The Future of the Herd

Last night after work we drove back out to Rusty's farm to look at baby goats. We will be getting three more to complete the herd and we wanted to look around to pick out some guys.

He was polite - but I could sense an air of caution, especially since we had lost three babies over the course of the last month and a half. He asked me a lot of questions - and I asked him a lot of things too. It was a chance for both of us to see that the other was okay - and that no harm was done intentionally - that things with our boys just happened badly.

He has dozens of babies, many of whom are spoken for since they are pedigreed and show quality animals. We picked out a golden one who looked like Norbert, then a pair of twins who have roan backsides and dark chocolate brown head and shoulders, like Paul. Odds are they will be called John and George.

They were born the end of September - so they are not quite a month old yet - and they are not weaned. I was so surprised at how large they were - and it drove home to me how very small the boys were - too small to be away from their mom, I think. To avoid anymore trauma - we will be taking them when they are two months old right before Thanksgiving. It was a good visit - and included a moment where I got to see the boy's mother, and tell her I was so sad about her kids.

This weekend I am starting to built a bigger shelter and increasing the grazing area and the dream seems back on track.

Oh yea, and Ringo slept inside, yet again, wrapped in a fleece blanket. He is doing great and drank the milk greedily both last night and this morning - also quite a change from before.

Cannot think of anything appropriate to call this...

This is Ringo - and Justin curled up this morning when I left for work.

Paul and Ringo

Last year, when we were packing furiously trying to escape Indiana, we had the Beatles playing in the background.

Last evening when we dropped off the boys at football, we headed to Loganville - oddly enough my parents are from Logansport - and Loganville has the same "flavor" small town, homestead farms, quaint little place.

We pulled into Kevin's house and were greeted by a cloud of white fur - when he and his wife adopted the first Pyrenese, they fell in love - and now several litters of puppies later, they have a whole pack - there were at least 8 dogs - maybe more - and they were so soft and so friendly.

We walked across the yard, passing the pond full of Muscovy ducks and geese and over to his herd of goats. There were about a dozen kids the same age as Bubba and Little Bit, then there were also some older whethers ( neutered males). He introduced us to the Kennedy Brothers, and a slew of other goats. Each baby we picked up was spoken for, then a little one came through the herd, being moved aside by the larger kids. He looked like one of those Chinese Crested Dogs - mostly wrinkled black skin and a little bit of curly hair on his head and back. He had a white star on his forehead. " I don't know what we are going to do about that one - he is the runt and isn't getting to the feed, the others push him out of the way. We had to hold the mother down and separated her to get him fed - so he needs to go somewhere that he can be bottle fed. " Yep, he came home with us - we took pictures.

Paul he said was very friendly, but he had been born with a curly coat much to the dismay of the breeder. A curly coat is a "fault" in show goats and indicated some questionable parentage. So of course we decided right away on Paul. After about five minutes of thinking what to name the bitty one - we decided on Ringo Star - he has ringlets and a star on his forehead - and his brother is Paul - so maybe we can name the forthcoming twins John and George.

Paul liked the pen, he warmed up to Sheba and he is very affectionate. Justin introduced them by telling Sheba that we brought her a nice gay man to snuggle up to. They liked each other just fine, and I found them curled up together in the pen this morning.

Ringo on the other hand, was not going to sleep alone - he wanted no part of the kennel or the heat lamp and made sure we heard his protest ( yea, so did people in China) So wrapped in a towel, he slept on my lap until midnight - then I traded duty with Bear. This morning Ringo was wrapped in a fleece blanket, sleeping in with Bear and when I left, he was handed off to Justin, still in the fleece blanket. Not sure how I feel about having a goat sleeping in my bed while I am gone....
But they have been just the therapy I needed - something to keep my busy until enough time passes and I don't' have to feel sad about the boys anymore.

I did talk to the vet, he was horrified that the dosage was too high and he wanted to make it right. He will be buying us another pair of twins from the same herd Little Bit and Bubba came from as well as covering vet services for us for awhile in compensation. He must have apologized a dozen times. The world is right again.

Pampered Chef - off label uses

Came home yesterday to find these two guys in a plastic "critter keeper". Jake found babies - couldn't have been more than four inches long - and put them in the keeper. Jake used his head, not knowing what whether they were poisonous or not, he used my wooden tongs from Pampered Chef - you know the ones you can use in the toaster to get your bagel out if it is stuck - and picked them up with the tongs.

After consulting the Reader's Digest Animals of North America - and my venomous Animals and Plants guide, we determined, they were harmless and needed to be released.We let them go in the front yard so that Matilda wouldn't eat them.

Lost Enough to Let Myself Be Led

Thanks to all of you who commented and sent encouragement. It has been a really tough couple of weeks - car wreck, Justin losing his job, and now the loss of the goats. Taza is right, though, if I had been asked to take them, knowing it would only be for a five weeks, I would have agreed. But my God, how do people who lose their kids survive? I thought I was pretty strong, but I seriously want to just sit alone and cry - I keep looking outside thinking I hear them, it is awful, like a nightmare I cannot come out of.

Today I just feel .... lost.

So I am doing the only thing I know - drinking from the well. I have long been a fan of Rich Mullins - he did a lot of work with the Navajo at Saint Michaels near Gallup - and it was his testimony about that place that led me to move there. ( Ironically, just the thought of going for my annual visit makes me feel better) There is a Rich Mullins song - heard it yesterday and I thought I would share the lyrics with you.

Hard to Get
Rich Mullins Psalm 77:7-13, Isaiah 53:4, Isaiah 55:8-9 Matthew 5:4, Matthew 6:11, Luke 22:41-45 Romans 7:18-19, Romans 7:24-25

You who live in heaven Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love And who get hardened by the hurt
Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said

Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get

You who live in radiance Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was Still we do love now and then
Did You ever know loneliness Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat

Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know you bore our sorrows And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less Even if it could be explained
And I know that I am only lashing out At the One who loves me most
And after I figured this, somehow All I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead And we can not get free of what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All the words of shame and doubt, blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

May the road rise up to meet you, May His face shine down upon you and keep you safe.

The difference in a decimal point

I apologize in advance - this is sad, and I am hoping that writing about it will help my heal... but it doesn't feel like it yet.

I have spent the past two weeks worrying and checking and giving injections and making vet trips for our two baby goats, Bubba and Little Bit. By Thursday of last week they were looking much better - and short of a little congestion in the upper part of the lungs, they were nearly back to normal. Justin posted pictures of them that were taken that day - and they looked great.

I followed the directions I had been given by the vet to wait until they were feeling better and then worm them. If they have worms, it can tax the immune system, making it harder for the pneumonia to clear up. Thursday night I gave them both the wormer - Friday morning they were barely breathing and by Saturday evening both goats were gone.

When we got them to the vet on Friday - we discovered that the first vet who sent home the wormer used the wrong type - and worse, that he gave us 1.5 ml instead of 0.15 ml - my babies got 10 times the normal dose and it poisoned them to death.

I had no way of knowing - and unfortunately, I thought the wormer was benign - I have looked up all the other medicines they are taking on the Purdue Vet school site - but not the wormer. I think I typed that hoping it would help me feel absolved - but I don't yet.

I was really angry with God for taking them - for letting me love them so much and then taking them away so soon, But we came to an understanding during Mass, at least if they were only to be on this earth a short time, they were with people who loved them and cared for them. Little consolation - but being angry with God is like being angry with my husband - he loves me and takes care of me over and over again - I need him and Him way to much to stay angry.

Last night I buried them in the yard, with a peach tree to mark the spot. I cannot begin to describe how heartbreaking this is...

Ready for a Do-Over

First thing this morning, after noting that the goats looked better last night I found Little Bit lethargic and as soon as I picked him up he was crying. This is what he looked like yesterday - hard to believe. I left him in Justin's capable hands- but no mother wants to hand her kids off to someone else when they are sick - no matter how capable.

Then I went to clean out the Prizm and turn it over to the insurance company - and I ripped the seam in my pants
This shift in Karma happened yesterday - I dropped the bridge I was building yesterday while trying to get it across the creek - and I have a bruise the size of Montana on my shoulders.

Then after working on some things outside, I went in to start working - there is always so much to do. I got two rooms done, cooked dinner, put away the dishes, washed the rugs - then was ready to settle in, fold laundry and watch a bit of TV. Comcast came by yesterday and turned off my cable - even though I sent them an electronic payment - and called them two days in a row - stupid. Spent 45 mninutes on the phone with Comcast trying to get things straightened out.

Sleep did not come quickly

I feel like I was hit by a Mack Truck - and I have to finish getting the house cleaned up. Ibuprofen has made it tolerable - but I really need a nap.

I am leaving work at noon - stopping for chocolate - then heading home to get ready for the weekend. TGIF.

Genetics don't mean squat

See the guy right in the middle by the "v" for vistor? That's my dad.

Now take a look at Josh - yep, the family resmeblence still amazes me since I am adopted and don't share any genetics at all with my family.

Oh yea, the rascal on his shoulder is Kitten Bob.

Requiem for the Prizm

After 9/11 there were a number of car companies that offered zero percent financing - I had a Jeep Cherokee and a big car payment - so Dad and Mom helped me get the financing for a new car with zero percent.

Ever the granola-head - it was important that the car get good gas mileage - so we picked a Chevy Prizm. The car has had some minor porblems along the way - but overall it has been a good car.

At nearly forty miles to the gallon,the Prizm has been to Dallas, Albuquerque, Tsaile Arizona, Kansas City MO, Chicago, and a hundred backroads in Indiana.

In April- the engine was replaced under warranty
In May - the tire blew out while Bear was driving and the car was totalled
In July I got the car back after investing a bit of my own money
In September Justin got T-boned
In October, the insurance company has again totalled the car

Two totallings later, I think it is a hint - so
Yesterday we went to see a minivan that my sister in law told us about - and we will pick it up on Friday. I hate to see the Prizm go - maybe I'll even consider buying another one down the line...but for now, dear Prizm who has served the family well - thanks and I hope some nice kid with a knack for body work picks you up.

Crossing my fingers

First and foremost - I think my folks are REALLY coming to see us this weekend. We have been here 13 months and with the chemo they couldn't come down to visit - or for the wedding - or for anything - so FINALLY they are coming on Saturday. I am SO excited to show them around. We have a brunch planned for Sunday afternoon for my family - and Justin's family to finally meet. OF course this was great planning because if they don't all like each other, it is too late now because I am keeping him - he's the good husband. I have Friday afternoon off so I'll have some time to get things taken care of at the house just in time for company . I am sure that Scruffy - pictured with my folks - will just love Kitten Bob - who is currently terrorizing the parakeets.




Second - we moved boxes out of the room where my folks are going to sleep - thought they's prefer a bed to the pile of boxes for sleeping- and I am keenly aware of my age. We got it done fast, but now I need more Ibuprofen

Third -things for Jerra have been much better - her post yesterday confirmed her resilience. Do you ever look at your kids and think - wow I must have done something right because this is a great kid. Yep, I think that all the time.

Fourth - the condition of the goats is guarded - but after five days of antibiotics and all the alternative medicine I know to provide, they are eating heartily and have been more active - though the lungs still sound yucky ( yep that's a medical term) Hopefully they will continue to heal and get back to being healthy.