Navigating the River

A woman approached the preacher after her marriage, it was her husband's first, but not hers. She thanked the preacher for telling this story:
Our lives are like the course of a river, there are places where the water is deep, places where it pools, places where it is shallow and safe, and places where there are rapids. To navigate this course safely it will take a guide who has been down parts of this river before. Blessed is the person who finds a guide who knows where the rapids begin and can steer the boat back to safety.

Normally we get our guidance from friends and family who have navigated parts of the river, but in her case, as in mine, I know all too well what the rapids look like and how easily they can throw you out of the boat.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting of late about marriage and what it takes to make a marriage work. I have watched my parents over the years, and other couples who seem to have it down and what they all have in common is the release of their hedonistic/egocentric view of how things should be. Marriage is a unique symbiotic relationship, if it is done well. Both people give up a little of themselves to help the other thrive. There has to be a balance, each person contributing actively and most importantly, each person showing up - being present in the moments spent cultivating the relationship.

After living through several divorces, and spending time "watching the films afterwords", I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what went wrong and when. A couple of years ago I started the process of an Annulment in the Church so that I could get remarried. Lots of introspection involved in that particular process - about a hundred questions that really make you think. The re-occurring theme was each partners ability to choose the marriage over their own demons. In the end of each marriage, it was teh choosing of what was best for one person over what was best for the family that ended them - adultery, alcohol abuse, unemployment and worst - only worrying about ones' self.

I think a marriage becomes very much like an additional member of the family- like an adoring child who warms your heart, but still must be fed. There are times when we must sacrifice what we want as individuals to keep the marriage fed. Catholics believe that marriage is a sacrament, a vocation and not everyone is called. It changes the whole focus of your life, and if you have true union with your spouse and with God, it changes your whole being into something new and transcendent. Though things have not always gone well, and there were certainly issues in the past, I remember those moments, where God was welcomed and where His presence was felt - and I have grown and changed as a result of those moments.

"You can become a Christian for free but it is expensive to be a disciple,” says Dr. Tony Evans. “You can go to heaven for free but to get heaven to come down here and join you on earth costs something…What’s the difference between a victorious marriage and a defeated marriage? Discipleship.”
Discipleship in marriage means the death of our old selfish psyche, no longer going your own way, considering the needs of other first - do they need to be noisy and joyful, need to be heard, need to be taught, need to be held? Then my need for quiet or peace comes secondary to this. Not to say that discipleship means we let the family run wild, but it does mean that the whole family is considered when decisions are made. Selfishness is sure death to a marriage, as is keeping score - ie he is sitting watching TV and I am still up working and it isn't fair. Those things need to be discussed, but the negativity, and the harboring of ill thoughts has to be banished SO quickly.

Another tomorrow becomes today

The sounds of the world awakening
Bring the promise of a new day dawning
The sunbeams dancing through leaves
get their toes caught on the lace curtains

The sun warms my face, bringing comfort
Like God Himself has cradled my face in His Hands
Telling me about love, about forgiveness
Reminding me of His promise to restore my dreams

Restoration is a new life, it isn't replacement of the old
It requires letting go of what I think I need
And accepting what He knows I need
Peace, love, acceptance, and and even playing field

As I leave for work, the daffodils smile up at me
The rainclouds have opened up, washing clean the earth
The birds sing their hearts out, trilling familiar songs
And the trees with high branches, wave from their canopy

The earth is my brother, formed by the same Creator
Who patiently loves us and uses both tree and children alike
To teach, to comfort, to embody love, and to show
That life goes on, through thunderstorms that shake our roots.

Theme Song

This has become the theme song of late. Funny how I thought the road that brought me here was broken, and that I felt the need to apologize for my brokenness - but the truth is that we are all broken and have been hurt by life and extenuating circumstances. Thus is the plight of man in a sinful world. It is a miracle to find the dented lid to go with your own dented pot ( thanks for that line Steph). Here's to love, and forgiveness, and sunshine, and tears that help you see that joy comes in the morning.


Artist: Rascal Flatts
Title: God Bless the Broken Road
CD: Feels like today

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago, Hoping I would find true love, along the broken road,
But I got lost a time or two, wiped my brow and kept pushing through, I couldn't see how every sign, pointed straight to you,

Every long lost dream, led me to where you are,
Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars, Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms,
This much I know is true,
That God blessed the broken road that lead me straight to you,

I think about the years I spent, just passin through, I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you,
But you just smile and take my hand, You've been there you understand, It's all part of a grander plan, that is coming true,

Every long lost dream, led me to where you are,
Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars, Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms,
This much I know is true,
That God bless the broken road that lead me straight to you,

Now I'm just rollin home, into my lovers arms,
This much I know is true...
That God bless the broken road that lead me straight to you, That God bless the broken road, that lead me straight, to you,

Dented Armor and Forgiveness

Blessed are those whose transgressions are forgiven. I removed the previous post because forgiveness and acceptance should be the themes of a marriage - not revenge, not chastisement, not bitterness. I am going to consciously refuse to keep an account of a wrong - as much because I love Justin as because I have had to ask for forgiveness a multitude of times and it was granted. So once again I am faced with a decision and my mom gave the best advice: Be careful and decide if one bad yesterday is worth giving up a whole future of tomorrows.

I am going home now to lick my wounds and unpack my boxes.

Chemo 102

This is the second installment of my dad's day in chemo... I am forever greatful to those of you who have added him to your prayer list.

UNABRIDGED VERSION

We're in the middle of our second game (chemo treatment) of the season. Chemo on Tuesday went ok (chemo can never rate a grade higher than ok in my book). Little tired - friend said I looked pale - probably right - but feel ok, maybe a little tired. I'm not sure how you get tired from sitting in a chair all day. Actual drip connection was 6.5 hours. Probably going to be the standard fare. Relaxing in a way. Chance for Pat and me to share some quiet reflecting moments.

Talked to the Coach before the game - he was his usual cool, but assured self. I told him I thought tumors in the neck had come back a little bit since they initially went down after first chemo treatment. He looked at me in disbelief. Like I had told him that last play he had sent in from the bench was a dumb call and he should have known it wouldn't work. He gave me a very careful exam, and said he didn't think so but it was hard to tell because my lymph glands were behind the large neck muscle. Like a blitzing linebacker hiding behind an oversize tackle. Couldn't see him coming. I said I didn't understand this since I was supposed to have a low-grade lymphoma. He replied, "But it's aggressive." I said, "What's that mean?" He reminded me that "it's throughout your body". "Oh". Coaches must get tired sometimes repeating themselves to players. We must be continually reminded - what a blessing to have a good and patient coach. He reiterated the risks associated with our new higher powered offense (new chemo regimen) - chance of temporary baldness (wonder how I will look bald - Stacey's finance( personal interruption, finance is daddy's word, I think he has been promoted to fiance', but at times it probably feels like there is little difference!) looks good bald - seems to be the in thing except for my grandson Josh - he has a head of hair that won't quit - looks like I did in the 5th grade), chance of heart trouble and leukemia down the road but relatively small risk. Coach says we've got to deal with the opponent at hand, not lose today's game because we tried to save ourselves for a possible future opponent. Makes sense to me. However, did get a jolt (reality check) a little later when reading sheet on potential side effects of new drug. It kept referring to special side effects for the elderly. I was glad when I saw that because I was sure that didn't refer to me. Then I read how they defined elderly - over 60. Whoops! May have to give retirement some consideration at the end of this season.

First quarter of game proceeded well - no surprises. Each game brings more confidence and knowledge of what to expect. Finished chemo about 5pm and was about to leave when assistant coach in pressbox (nurse) stopped us and wanted to check a low blood count with coach. Coach said not to worry about it yet - these minor injuries are normal playing in this league. So Pat and I proceeded home for a quiet dinner. Hang in there Pat. I couldn't make it without my star player. She leads the interference.

The game usually doesn't get too rough until the 2nd and 3rd quarters - 5-7 days after chemo. At least that was about when all the serious side effects seemed to kick in last time. Right now, feel really good. Hit some golf balls today and cleaned up the yard. I think I will be better able to recognize beginning of side effects and nip them in bud this time. At least hope so - I think we have a much better scouting report for this game.

Pat gave me a tremendous gift. It's a CD done by Fr Jim Farrell, a Catholic priest from Indianapolis. He gives retreats at Fatima Retreat Center in Indy and is excellent. It is a mediation tape where Fr Jim leads you out the door, down the sidewalk to a path leading through the woods. He leads you down a hillside to a creek, across the creek, up the other side to an open field. We then continue across the field to a house with a wrap-around porch with a swing. We walk up the steps towards the swing on which a gentleman is swinging. The gentleman gets up and comes to meet us. He asks how He may help us. It is then that you recognize that the gentleman is Jesus. We sit down on the swing and Jesus says tell Him everything. He is very slow, loving. and patient with me. He continues to assure me that He loves me and will help me, just ask Him and trust Him. I do. We then finish, get up and walk with Jesus off the porch. Jesus vanishes and I walk back through the field, over the creek, and through the woods back home with Fr Jim. We talk together about our encounter with Christ. It is a moving experience and very healing. The music is also soothing. Gives one a lot of time to reflect and talk with one's Creator. Thanks again, Pat. What a wonderful gift from a great caregiver. This CD has gotten me through some very rough times, especially during the early stages as we were just learning about the opponent we would be dealing with. So we just proceed along one day at a time, enjoying each day together. Thank you, Lord, for your blessings, especially life and friends.

Not scheduled to meet with coach again until next game on Tuesday, April 12th. I have a blood test scheduled for next Tuesday, 3/29, just to check our progress. Coach said will probably do another CAT Scan ( the kind Scruffy likes) after third game to measure overall progress. Beginning to enter mid season routine.

God bless you and keep your thoughts and prayers coming. Prayer does change things.

Cinderella Fantasies

I bought Wild at Heart for Justin- and for me since I am raising two boys, I need to read everything I can to help them navigate. The book talks about men in the world of Christianity - and how being "good" is boring. It starts with the idea that men were born in the wilderness, not in the Garden - and that there are aspects to the nature of men that need to be fed. If you are a man struggling with the role of men in Christian churches - or you feel like you just don't fit, you might really enjoy this book - I found it very similar to the Women who Run the the Wolves book by Clarissa Pinkola Estes - good read.
The first chapter I turned to discussed Cinderella fantasies, what women are taught men should be like, what they expect, what they dream about and how women think - and it hit me between the eyes. I have been feeling very uncomfortable about the level of addiction/love/passion/ entanglement I feel for Justin - and suddenly it made sense. Every fairy tale I have ever read includes the woman being rescued - and being a part of a grand adventure. It is the scenario I have longed for - though not the circumstance - for my entire life. I love sappy romance movies - where the man just can't help but be gallant and come to the woman's rescue - Never Been Kissed, 50 First Dates, French Kiss, Notting Hill, Hope Floats -I have a ton of movies that make me cry at the end when the man realizes he just can't live without her. For an educated woman this seems silly- I have been told that plenty of times - but the truth is, it happened to me.
I was rescued in every way that a person can be rescued ( to borrow the line from Titanic)- saved from fear, saved from actual physical danger, saved from certain financial ruin when I found myself jobless and homeless, saved from a future without the promise of love. How can you help but adore a man who actually comes to your rescue - proves that he will in fact do the things most men agree to only in theory - and then decides to keep you even though you have been a lot of trouble?
Today I am resolving to keep my boundaries, but to stop worrying that I love too deeply or feel too entwined. Worrying about these things is a tie in to old memories - and old needs to protect myself for when the man leaves. This is a new story and a new path. I tell my patients that when you are doing something new and it is uncomfortable, then you are doing it right. Perhaps I should take my own counsel on this one.

Seeking Enlightented Commentary

Rarely do I post to actually get some feedback - but I have two pressing issues and I could use some counsel.

I was asked about a gift registry for the wedding - Justin's first- not my first. Is this appropriate? Factors here include that the wedding will be small - immediate family and a couple close friends. We will have a house warming/reception a couple of weeks later for friends and co-workers - but I don't want people to feel obligated to bring something. I am thinking of attaching a registry like Target or Amazon to a website on the Knot - and directing people there for questions. Don't want to be uncooperative - more importantly, don't want to be greedy - we have a lot of stuff!

Also there was the issue of changing my last name. You know how women write thier first name and their fiance's last name down to see how it looks? I have not even written it down for fear of jinxing the whole thing. I am really struggling with what to do. There is the possiblity that children 1 and 2 may be adopted, but no conclusion about changing their names to his. Odds are that the kids will keep my maiden name, at least for the time being. I could hyphenate (not my first choice) or I could change it personally, and leave my maiden name professionally, or I could change it both places and have a different last name than my children - any thoughts???

Blessings Abound

The weekend spent gathering my things from storage and moving them south went exceptionally well. Other than Justin's gun in the glove compartment, and my need to cover my face as we drove near the Ogre's house, there were only wisps of him and the weekend was mostly peaceful.

First, I got to visit with my folks who looked pale and tired, but are holding up well. My dad had an opportunity to talk to Justin for awhile - something both men needed - and explained that he has given me away already - so his lack of attendance at our wedding should not be misconstrued as lack of approval. Justin also told my dad that he would take care of us - something he is proven he certainly intends to do.

Second - it was just like Christmas - opening boxes and trash bags to discover things we forgot we had. Some of these things have been packed for almost a year - so it was great. My boxes were pretty easily identifiable - the scent of vanilla and lavender wafting from them. I have a lot of clothes - and for that I am thankful (though ironically, today I am once again wearing the same gray skirt that I have worn twice a week for the last six months!!)

We got everything to fit in the U-Haul trucks, made a quick run to Goodwill to drop off a couple of items and got to eat lunch at Culvers- not health food, but man it was good. Packing took from about 8 until 2:30, the kids got to see their friends, Jake got to see his dad and I slept like a rock. Unloading was fairly uneventful -though I developed a deep respect for semi drivers - I had to back the U-haul with trailer in-tow down the road to the house - it wasn't pretty.

Third blessing was the realization that God had planted my new yard - there is a tulip tree, hundreds of daffodils in a range of colors, tulips are peeking up, Irises and Daylillies are about eight inches high, little violets are blooming in the yard and there is a Bradford pear awash in white clouds already. I was so sad about leaving all my bulbs and flowers in Indiana - it is like God knew what I was going to lose, so He planted them at the new house.

Fourth blessing - we set a wedding date, which gives me about 6 weeks to get the new house unpacked and ready for visitors! I am happy and tired and my muscles feel like I over did it a bit, but it is a good kind of tired. More boxes to unpack and some bed frames to set up today - and we should be ready to sleep at the new house by the weekend. Can hardly wait!

Fear is the Enemy

We are going back to seem my dad and get my things this weekend. Saddly enough, I am scared. Scared that there will be a confrontation with the Ogre, scared that somehow he will find us and hurt someone, scared to drive back into the area and possibly run into him. I know that Justin is able to protect us, but truth is that I am still scared. I haven't slept now in two nights, weird dreams and scenarios palying out in my head. I decided last night to augment sleep with a little White Russian, but it didn't help. First awakening was at 1 and they continued throughout the night. This morning at 3:25 I was sure I heard the alarm sound that someone was in the house, so I padded out with the BB gun and checked on everyone - haven't done that since September and it upsets me that I had to do it again.

Fear is the absence of faith and I know better than to be afraid - but I think we are so mu more susceptible when we are sleepy. Hope to sleep tonight so that I can be prepared for the trip!

We need to watch what we say

I am blessed to live in a land of free speech. However, just because we can say something does not mean we should. I have been listening of late to a lot of political rhetoric about the war in Iraq and the soldiers stationed in Afghanistan - and whether I agree with the politics or not, there are men and women who have given their lives and that deserves our respect. There are ways ot disagree with the cause without dimishing the people involved - just like talking to your kids about not liking what they have done, but still loving the child.

I grew up with a Vietnamese boy across the street whose family was killed in Vietnam. I remember being in awe when he and his friends from home would start to talk and when they would cook for us and burn our tongues with the peppers. I was just a child during Vietnam, but what I do remember is that there were a lot of soldiers who came home to a country which did not outwardly appreciate the sacrifice. We handled it badly and our hospitals are filled with Vietnam Vets who have all sorts of mental ailments from the drugs they took to forget. I know there is a lot more to it, like personal responsibility, but the bottom line is - people made a sacrifice for their country - at the bare minimum, they interrupted their lives - some of them even gave their lives. Whether we agreed with the politics or not, there should be respect and appreciation. Argue politics with politicians, give they guy who stood in front of the gun your respect.

This is in my brain because I heard a guy on a call-in radio show talk about how disgraceful the soldiers - actually the whole cause - is in Iraq and it just steams me. On the drive to West Virginia over the weekend we drove through lots of little towns with sheets painted " Welcome Home Private so and so from Iraq". Lots of families have made a sacrifice of their children to do what they think is right by joining the armed forces. These folks are giving up their lives - there are over a thousand children in the US who have lost a parent in Iraq, let alone the thousands of mothers who had to see their sons and daughters come home in a flag-draped box.

We should watch how we use words like disgrace and shame and war-for- oil. What child wants to hear someone say her daddy died in a war for oil??? And what schmuck has the right to say such a thing? With great freedom comes great responsibility - and though it isn't a law, we who posses free speech should remember that the tongue is mightier than the sword - and the careless word can scar a child - or a generation - in deep ways we cannot see. Truth is we should watch what we say - use our words to heal, bring positive change, find creative ways to help one another so guns won't be necessary.

I remember when Josh was little, I would tell him if he couldn't find something constructive to do that he should think up a cure for cancer - maybe this guy on the radio could use some of that energy to come up with another solution, a better solution - those kids who lost their parents in Iraq would surely welcome a solution that didn't involve guns.