I don't know how to do this

This is not my "happy life" post for today, mostly cause not every day is happy - go figure - that one is next - skip this if you aren't in the mood for something less than happy.

My dad is back to seeing the oncologist - and he asked me to keep this quiet - but since none of his friends and only my family read this, I don't think I am divulging anything.

The cancer is back - and has come back with a vengence. His kidneys are stressed from all the chemo - and the other antibiotics he is taking for an opportunistic infection in his lungs.

The upshot is that he is sick. And I don't know how to react appropriately, I guess.
I cannot find a definitive guide about how to act around someone who is sick - other than what years of nursing experience have taught me - be available, be open to doing whatever a person needs, and don't treat people like they are invalids - treat them like you did before.

For the duration of this, I have tried to treat him as I would want to be treated. That made sense to me since we are similar in how we deal with things like being sick. The last thing I would want is people fussing over me, calling me every day to see how I was feeling. I would want conversation about good things - funny things- focusing on living.

I have not wanted to be a pain - and the last thing I want to do is stress him out because he is trying to help me feel better about this. You can't make something like cancer all better just by wishing it away - but you can give it power over your life by having it be the focus of every conversation. That is not healthy.

I would do the same things my folks have done, making sure my plot is paid for and my funeral arrangements are made so as not to leave that to the kids - that is a pragmatic Loner thing to do. They have done this, we have talked about it - I feel pretty comfortable about it - but I don't see the need to keep bringing it up to him - when he wants to talk about it he will bring it up.

So how do you cope with the unknown - do I act like he will die any day? I don't feel like we have a bunch of unfinished business to settle - like there are things left unsaid. I never have felt that way - we have talked openly for a very long time. So I guess that explains the lack of urgency - the reason I dont' feel like I need to call him every day to see how he is feeling - I know how he is feeling - he is tired, he is not sleeping, he is in pain - and I can't see where calling to remind him of this - and forcing him to recount this is any help.

I am sad, and I am afraid it will be difficult for him - but I am a Christian, and a Catholic and I know that Christ will take my dad to a place of peace and rest when his days are over. I'm in no hurry to give him up - but the truth is that if I really believe, I know that is the fate of a man like my dad on the other side.

So what am I to do? Quit my job and move back to Indiana? Go on medical leave so that I will be available to help run to appointments and decipher medical lingo? Call every day to check in? I just don't know what I am supposed to do to be the "good daughter" in this scenario. So for now I am just muddling through. Anyone with a how to guide is welcome to suggest one.

Maggie and the Gift of the Magi

Just like all good things, there was more to Maggie's story than we originally knew. Maggie came to us yesterday afternoon - and the sky was clear and the temperature was kind at 60+ degrees. She is not too sure about Matilda, but in time I think she'll be fine. As her family was getting ready to leave, Justin was sitting with Johnny on the porch - Maggie has decided Johnny was her master, and followed him right on the heels. Their story reminded me of teh Gift of the Magi, if you dont' remember it, here is a link.

Maggie was a gift to Johnny's son, Justin, from his fiance'. The fiance also had a poodle. When the gift was purchased it seemed like a great idea for them both to have a dog. But then life and reality took hold - they were just getting out of school, getting ready to be married and start their lives - and two pups and vet bills can be a real strain on finances when you are job hunting, so she decided she would rather have her fiance' than worry about vet bills, and put her beoved poodle up for adoption. He decided to do the same for Maggie. Johnny lives around other cattle farmers, so they had hoped to let Maggie come stay with his folks and then find somewhere close for her, but no luck. She adjusted quickly to farm life, sleeping outside with the other dogs, following Johnny around everywhere. Johnny thought about keeping her, but with the sacrifice Justin's fiance' made, that just didn't seem right.

So yesterday was the next chaper for them - letting Maggie go to a new house and freeing the college couple to begin their lives on more solid footing. It was tough on Johnny - who just sat on the porch saying his goodbyes while the women and I watched from the kitchen windows.

Maggie slept in with us last night, snuggled down in the comforter. As much as she was loved and valued - it was the least we could do to honor that.

Has it been two weeks?

Doesn't she just have the sweetest face? This is Maggie.

You may remember Matilda, who has revolutionized how we feel about dogs here. She is sweet tempered except for the occasional possum who finds himself on her bad side - she is very gentle with the other animals.

Just yesterday, while I was out working on the goat pen, readying it for the rain, Matilda snuck into the house, where I found her snuggled up with Kitten Bob and chewing Sheilas rawhide. Of course it was a picture moment, but I was without camera.

Anyway, Matilda needs a buddy - and ol' Sheila is not getting big fast enough, so Matlida has taken to roaming in the goat pen, trying to snuggle up with them, much to the goats' dismay. Enter Maggie - another Kelpie in need of a home, her owners are in school full time and cannot give her the attention she needs - so they contacted us. Still working out the details, but with her sweet face and experience of living on a farm already, she would be a welcome addition.

Winter wonderland

Our furnace went out the day before yesterday - the repairman is coming today.

The blessing of having an older house is that it was originally built with electric heaters in each room - which proved valuable in light of the freezing temperatures and lack of furnace.

I also hooked up the vent for the dryer - so that all that warm humid air would flow into the house and warm it up - it was tropical before bedtime.

Then the rain started, and the ice started accumulating.
About 5am I woke up, it was starting to get cold. I looked around to find pitch darkness - and thought we might have blown a fuse with all the electric heaters, then looking out my window I saw that everyone on the block had darkness. While I stood there at the window the lights came back on - like a magic wand had sprinkled white fireflies all over.

The drive into work was uneventful -and beautiful as the rising sun danced over the ice covered limbs. The roads were wet, but passable.

So we may not get a white christmas, but the iceglazed limbs were just phenomenal.

Do you believe?

I was reading Dear Abby this morning, and this little tidbit caught my eye. 'Tis the season - and in a couple of weeks we will be waiting patiently for Santa to come to the house and drop off our presents while we drive around and around the neighborhoods to see all the Christmas lights.

DEAR ABBY: I am 8 years old, and I have a question that has bothered me for months. Is Santa Claus a real person, and if not, why does everyone say he is? And if Santa Claus ISN'T real, where do all the letters go? -- CONFUSED IN KINGSTON, N.Y.

DEAR CONFUSED: Santa Claus is more than a human being. Santa Claus is the living symbol of selfless giving, handed down from one generation to the next. In 1897, a girl named Virginia asked the same question in a newspaper. A very wise newspaper editor, Frank Church, wrote in reply:
"Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. ... The most real things in the world are those which neither children nor men can see. ... Thank God, he (Santa Claus) lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now -- nay, 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood."
Letters to Santa Claus go where every other letter goes -- directly to the U.S. Postal Service, which makes sure the letters reach their destination regardless of "rain, hail, sleet or snow."

Read on for a testimony from a true believer:
DEAR ABBY: Yesterday afternoon, as I was opening my mail, I came across an envelope with my name and address printed on it, but no return address. I assumed it was junk mail that had been made to look like a Christmas card, but curiosity got the better of me, so I opened it.
Inside was a Christmas card. It was signed "Santa," and inside were five $100 bills!
I checked the postmark. It read, "Grand Rapids, Mich., Dec. 9." Abby, I don't know anyone in Grand Rapids.
I'm divorced. My ex-husband hasn't been helping me to support our children. Times have been hard. Obviously, the card was sent by someone who cares about us very much -- someone who went to great trouble to remain anonymous. The money was a blessing. An equally great blessing is the fact that my children had a chance to witness such an act of generosity and kindness.
I hope that Santa is reading your column today, because I want to say thank you very much from the bottom of my heart. I am grateful. -- STILL BELIEVES IN SANTA, HOUSTON

DEAR STILL BELIEVES: I'm printing your letter with the conviction that some kind of elf will ensure that it is delivered as far north as a reindeer can fly. A perceptive person once said that true generosity is doing something nice for someone without taking credit for it. However, your case is exceptional -- and how fitting of your benefactor, "Santa," to take a bow. I know readers of all ages will be as gratified as I was to read about his act of kindness in this, the season of giving.

In 1998 I was a single mom with three kids. Jacob's seizures and the medical workup related to them had forced me to give up working a lucrative night job in the ER to about half the salary as a public health nurse. Child support was sketchy at best and we were way past broke.

Christmas came, and Santa brought each of the kids a new coat, new socks and shoes, toys and a huge basket of food - nearly a week's worth. He also brought an envelope to help with medical bills - $500 from the people who worked for the county.

Do I believe - absolutely. There has never been any question that wherever there are people who are willing to give of themselves - help others in need - there is a Santa. The most real things in this world are those our eyes can never see...love, joy, peace

Uh - sorry 'bout that

I set up "comment moderation" - but forgot to key in my e-mail address - so I have no idea where the comments have gone for the past three days! URGH!

In other news, Monday night I let Bear trim my hair - and it looks good. I always hate getting my hair cut - always feels like too much has been taken off - but the color looks good and the cut is fine.

Pictures to follow...

Tidbits on another fabulous day

I came in right on time today - even after dropping off my daughter and acquiring a traditional chicken biscuit ( minus the biscuit) for breakfast.

I got the room set up for class - then -my insulin pump patient cancelled with the flu...

So I HAVE NO WORK TO DO!!!! I am all caught up - something that has not happened in about 8 months and now, be still my heart, I am headed home at noon to go hang Christmas lights.

I got a call from the Bone Marrow donation people - I had sent them an e-mail a few months ago to see if I could update my information - and they called me back to update my information. Side note here - if you have not registered with them, it is a simple blood test to determine you compatibility, I did mine at a time when I was donating my O negative blood anyway - and bone marrow can save someone's life, consider registering to be a donor.

Some mornings just rock

(See, all that baby and green chile and mesquite fire and good friends therapy worked!)

You know it is going to be a good day when :
1. you have new jewelry to wear
2. it is just barely cold enough for a jacket, so the white coat will suffice
3. your husband still finds you attractive even though no makeup has been applied
4. you accidentally remembered your pager
5. upon arriving home you realize you only have two more Christmas gifts to purchase
6. you check the bank and find that YOU HAVE PAID ALL YOUR BILLS AND STILL HAVE MONEY LEFT OVER!

What I've Learned

I've learned . . . that being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned . . . that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned . . . that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow you may have to eat them.
I've learned . . . that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do.

Courtesy of Andy Rooney

My friend pointed out to me that I am quick to forgive - that a person may hurt me over and over again and I forgive them. Sometimes this is a good thing, as harboring old debts eats up your soul. But sometimes, I forgive so quickly that the person is apt to hurt me again - and the repeated damage from getting hurt over and over again isn't too great for the soul either.

I have always been keenly aware of most of my faults - and after a rather rambunctious period in my twenties, I feel like I can understand a lot of "stupid" things people do - especially since I have made many of those mistakes myself.

I still struggle with finding that fine line between being forgiving and being a doormat.

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