Good Enough

I heard a man say today that we are way more screwed up than we give ourselves credit for.

I think he is absolutely right.

We can never be "good enough". People can act as pious and as rightous as they want - but we all have a dark side- a sinful side- a guilty pleasure - it is the Nature of being Human. There are always parts of who we are or what we have done that we are not proud of. It happens to everyone - probably from the Pope and Billy Graham to the Dahli Lama to the Bible-belt housewife who lives next door. We all fall short - we all have flaws. I have said before that to love someone who does not acknowledge their flaws is a miserable business- and that both of you cannot be in love enough to make things work- speaking this from experience here) Understanding that each of us has weaknesses and that we need love because of our weakness - not in spite of it.

We hide in shadows - afraid that if someone sees who we really are - dark parts and all - that they won't like us - all the while the other person is in exactly the same position.

Until one of us decides to leap - to take the risk- to ignore the heart pounding furiously inside the chest and be vulnerable.

It is in that moment that we are the best version of ourselves. We dare to believe in possibilities- we open our heart to another person - we put our faith in the promise that God wants to show us He loves us -we are alight.

When we put ourselves in another person's place - when we strive to understand how another person thinks or feels - we are putting ourself second. We are becoming Christlike.

When Jesus was on the cross, He became the perfect example of what love should look like. Our culture talks a lot about give and take but it is just talk. Real love lived out looks like 1 Corinthians: patience, kindness, gentleness, forgiveness. Not much take in those words. No reference to whether the other person is also trying to do those things. No discussion about growing old or drinking Jello through a straw together when you can't find your dentures - not a word about wrinkles or sags. Just guiding principles that when followed lend themselves to a love and a life well lived out. And when we look to that example of Jesus on the Cross- there was no "take" about it - but there was a whole lot of give.

I am in the middle of a season of giving - it seems that all my time and energy and money are going to others these days - but during just a few moments today, I got to give the gift of healing and quite by accident, I received a peace and joy that just overflows my heart.

Coasting

The great experiment which involved telling all of the adults in this house that they had to have a job or be going to school as of October 1st has been a grand success.

Now I will digress for just a moment to say that the whole idea of having to put my children out without employment and taking the car and cell phones, thus eliminating their ability to get a job- was entirely a possibility - and the whole idea of it made me physically ill to think about. But good parenting means that you have to push sometimes - and the gentle pressure applied at the right location has worked.

Josh actually got 2 job offers today - and he was genuinely pleased about it. It was amazing to see the pride on his face when he realized he was awash in job offers. I am still pushing for him to be in school in January - but that is a battle for another day - today I am just happy for him.

Nicole got an offer last week for something that was okay, but seasonal- and today she got an offer from Home Depot - solid and with possibilities. A great blessing and a new beginning to start her life over again.

My brother has been working steadily doing odd jobs, but got a regular position a couple of weeks ago - and a raise just today.

And Jerra -will not be getting a job just now - she has about 60-days of work to finish her beautician's license and since that is where her talent is, I have asked her to go back full time so that she can graduate and make a lot of money doing what she is good at.

Mostly, I just wanted to post about how very pleased I am that God gave me the grace to push - that He helped me not back down when I wanted to - and that the jobs became available before my deadline - which is in less than 48 hours - allowing all of them to keep their dignity.

So thank you thank you thank you.

Tears

I will never forget Jim Davis hugging me in the morning.

Now before you get the wrong idea, Jim was happily married to a very beautiful woman.
When we first started working together, I knew Jim was a hugger. Nothing wrong with that- unless you are a person who has attempted to close off every bit of physical affection for anyone other than your kids - which I had done.

After Jake's dad left - making him one more in the great succession of men who left - I started to become jaded. I thought love was crap- a sham- a possibility for everyone but me because of some great cosmic bad joke. So I closed myself off. I was interested in men who either were totally not interested in me- or were totally bad for me. Nice. I found Jim and all his happiness and hugging annoying at first, and charming before I left - but it was the only physical contact I allowed myself to have with a man for many years after that.

I did cry - out of happiness and sadness for other people, but I no longer cried for myself. While I was there, though, I learned to love PEOPLE again. Not the singular, but people as a creation of God - people as a whole. And I cried for their pains.

Over the past ten years, the tears have come more and more freely and I haven't thought too much about it- older women get hormone shifts that make us more likely to cry- but I notice that not only are the tears more evident, but that I am genuinely sad about someone else's pain. I keep thinking about it long after I hear about it.

Which leads me to my story.
Two weeks ago we went on retreat with the teenagers. I have very mixed feelings about this - but I said I was all in, and I am, so I went. Dave Loner's daughter does not do things Half-Assed.

It was during one of the talks that it hit me - I profound need to pray to the Holy Spirit to give the speaker strength -to help her keep it together during a particularly emotional part. I got goosebumps and then: the tears started. I wasn't particularly sad, I was moved with sympathy, but not upset. But they just kept flowing.

Then during Adoration where we sat in the very presence of God ( akin to sitting next to the Ark of the Covenant) I was thinking about all the teenagers there - and I started to pray for them and for their families. And the stream started slowly - and moved into almost 45 minutes solid of praying and crying. Not like sobbing or even a loud cry, but those silent tears that bear witness to the depth of the emotion that overcomes you. I was a little embarrassed and tried a couple of times to dry them up - but they just kept coming.

Saturday we were at training for LifeTeen and we took an opportunity, again inviting the Holy Spirit, to pray specifically for our program and for each other. The tears started all over again.
Pam said that it was a gift of the Holy Spirit, like speaking in tongues. I guess I had never heard of that, or thought that something like that could happen to me. Apparently, it has nothing to do with your worthiness or your holiness - which then makes perfect sense!

As I read up on this, however, I see that it is a precursor to a period of great transition. Well, that could be good....or it could be not so good. Either way, I am looking forward to seeing what happens and I'll be sure to bring you along for the ride!

As the deer thirsts

Ever since I learned about the Native American Way of thinking about things, I have tried to pay attention to things that I would otherwise ignore - like little coincidences and that little voice in the back of my head.

But paying attention- which seems to be the command I hear the most lately - is paying off.

Monday of last week I drove out to a lady's home near Hartwell ( you know, the location of the Boatboy). On my way there, I heard the little voice to slow down. There are a lot of little farms and stands of trees that I had already zoomed past- but I slowed down just the same.

A fawn came darting across the road, just hopping happily. I came to a full stop and waited...... just a few seconds later, another fawn followed the same path. I looked into the stand of the woods and there was a doe, watching. Out of the corner of my eye came the two fawns again, loping across the highway and back into the thicket with their mother. I was transfixed on them- the joy of their hopping, the beautiful carmel color of their coats and the little white speckles on their fannies.

I slowly pulled forward, and they bounded out into the adjoining yard frolicking as though they had no need to fear anything in the world. It was wonderous. The mother never came out of the woods, but I knew she was there watching. I pulled away very slowly and was in awe of what I had seen.

Thursday evening, I getting into my car and all of a sudden there was a great crashing through the woods by our house, along the creek bed. A flash of white tail confirmed that it was a deer - in our yard! We haven't seen any deer since they cut down the 17 acres behind our house. The deer bounded into the brush and laid low until evening came. we walked back and forth by where he was laying, but never saw him - we have some pretty dense brush. He was gone by morning.

I saw another deer bounding across the road - but because sometimes I don't pay attention, I cannot tell you all the details - I only remember that when I saw the twins, they were my second sighting in a week and I thought it was interesting.

I have looked up a dozen references on what it means to see a deer- and several of them say it is a message to focus on gentleness and cautious awareness of my surroundings, like the doe. I don't know, though, I sound a lot more like that buck - dashing through the woods, making enough noise to wake the dead, knocking things over. Maybe he was my message: don't worry, you aren't the loudest member of Creation ever! I'll keep paying attention.

The moon is made of shiny paper...

Did you see the moon tonight?

I mean, I am not wholly sure that the moon you saw overhead was the same blue-white with a dark navy sky behind it and a little puff of white clouds at it's feet, just reflecting the irridescent white, but that was the moon we had tonight.

When I look up, I realize just how small I really am in the scheme of things. I will never be a great orator - or a great influencer of societal trends - or a movie star - but I hope, that to my little group of friends, I have led a life that brings value to theirs.

The moon casts its light on all of us, whether we are free or enslaved, rich or poor, in cool temperatures or in sweltering heat, in sickness or in health. It doesn't pick favorites- it is an equal opportunity blessing.

A few months ago, I had a falling out with one of my very best friends. We have been friends and struggled through single parenting together since Jake was a baby- so for over 15 years.

Our paths have diverged and during a visit to Indy last June, we fought over something stupid which escalated into something very serious and we haven't spoken to one another since. I have called to apologize and have tried to reopen the lines of communication - but to no avail. Sometimes there is just too much damage to repair, and I may just have to accept that we are at that point in our relationship. It is sad, though.

I remember when we lived in Arizona that the moon and the stars were so astounding that it seemed you could keep driving up the mountain and touch them. They were more numerous and clear there than anywhere I have ever been before or since. No valuables according to material wealth, but the beauty of the land and the sky are unsurpassed.

I loved to watch the moon and spent many hours staring up looking for answers when we moved to Georgia. I told the Ogre story today and was surprised by just how emotional I still am in the telling of it. Maybe I should write a book. As I was talking about my dad sitting outside on the porch at the lake house cleaning his rifle, I remember the sheen of the moonlight in the curls of his hair. I remember feeling so comforted by his watch over us that I was finally able to collapse and release the fear I had that day- and there was a LOT of fear.

Each day we are given the ability to start over - to make new choices - to have new dreams.

I once had a dream of a conventional life with a conventional man who loved me and three college-bound kids in tow. That didn't work out so well - so I have let go of that dream and sent it back to the moon for some other woman to fulfill. I dreamed then of an unconventional man as well, but that doesn't seem to be working out very well either. Tonight as I finish up my day, I will pray for a dream to direct me in this next chapter of my life - to help me see where I should be going and to help me be the best duck in my little pond that I can be.

Goodnight, Moon.

A rolling Stone gathers no Moss

This morning, as I am getting ready, I have the sense that this is the foundation work required to have a new beginning. Me and Ol' Saint Peter - we are all about the rocks and foundation. I like what is being built.

I have been nudging - and now am pushing - to get the people in my household to where I know they need to be. And as a result, we have had some real progress in the past couple of days. My middle son actually came to me about a problem - ten days before the crisis point - and worked out a compromise. He is growing into a young man I am really proud of.

I have found great peace in asking God to handle my love life- and in a big confirmation, when I posted something on Facebook about feeling loved, everyone thought it had to do with a man. Nope. And I am pleased about it. I made the decision to take care of myself the same way I take care of the kids. I know, it is about time, isn't it. It all started with collecting heart-shaped rocks, which are much more prolific than you'd think. These are the stones we did on our retreat this weekend- I love mine and have it in the kitchen currently.

What? Doesn't everyone keep stones in their kitchen?

I have miles to go before I sleep, but I sure feel better about the journey these days.

Backhoe and Lime 6 years later

September 17th is Loner Exodus Day.

I still have nightmares at times about the severity of the situation. They aren't as vivid anymore, and I feel somehow detached - but the faces and the emotions are still very much there. I cannot understand how someone I loved, completely lost his mind, hit Josh, hit me and then started sleeping openly with one of my friends, couldn't wait to divorce me, and then planned to shoot us one by one and bury us with a new water treatment system that he was going to install so that no one else could have us. (I still don't know if that was because he thought there was another man in my life or not, I haven't called to ask him)

The water pipes and bags of lime were there, stacked in a big pile by the treeline - and the backhoe had been rented. And the gun- well I know that his father's rifle was just inside the attic door and was easily accessible. I'd seen it before.

We have survived 6 years after the threat. Babies born that summer are in first grade now- that is a LOT of time.

Can you even believe it? Every day, women in the United States die as a result of domestic violence- killed by someone they think they love. Amazing, tragic, and insane.

And for some unknown reason, we were spared.

I can scarcely verbalize my deep thanks that in the moment where my human intuition failed me, I looked to the Heavens and He heard me. Not only did I have the inkling, but I had 2 phone calls which told me to go. Right judgement and wisdom compliments of the Holy Spirit because the Stacey spirit sure as heck didn't know what to do.

I was able to protect my children- first by having them brought to the Principal's office and then having them picked up by my parents - and later transported to Georgia with me. All of this completely by divine providence, because when I read my posts from the days before, I am still wavering about whether he was dangerous. I am still unable to believe that this horror is actually a reality. And sometimes when I look back, it is as though it was someone else who lived through this, and I am just retelling the story.

We had the support of amazing friends, the Indianos, and my parents who showed up to help pack our whole house in less than 48 hours - then showed up again as we moved our things from storage to the house we have now. I remember that it was like Christmas when we saw our things again after 6 months.

Georgia has indeed been an adventure. I still recall that it took 6 months before we stopped having regular nightmares about him trying to kill us- and in part, I think that ongoing trauma and fear in my mind was part of the demise of my relationship with Justin, but that is another posts all together. Despite a LOT of counseling, it is so hard for me to trust someone after that trust is broken. It is something I am working on, but I am not there yet.

In the story of our exodus, Justin is the hero. He unselfishly took us in- three kids and 2 dogs and 30 days of wages to my name. He just said "yes" when the time came and for that I will forever hold a special place in my heart for him.

I think that he is also the reason why my heart is still open to loving someone - why there isn't a fear of another person - because during this time where bitterness tried to plant seeds in my heart, he helped me be open to love - even if it didn't turn out like we planned. He kept reassuring me that I was in fact entitled to have someone love me back. I think we belong to the mutual admiration society - because there are aspects of each of us which have changed forever as a result of our time together. And leaving an indelible mark is admirable.

In six years, there has been a lot of loss- I really miss living in Indiana with all of my family.

Since the day we moved we have lost my Dad, the lake house, another marriage, and a couple of dogs. There are times where I have felt everything was restored to us - and others where I feel like our life was stolen from us. Either way, we are still here and not "eating worms" as Josh says- so it is a pretty good day!

But I have to believe there is a reason why I survived this - why the kids had to live through domestic abuse when all they really wanted was a family complete with a Godly father - why we survived in spite of the odds that we should not.

So I stand, today, on the precipice- going into a retreat weekend which is focused on the Holy Spirit's influence on our lives - and I hope that as a result of this weekend, I'll be able to determine where exactly the Good Lord wants me to spend my energy - and how this experience can help others hope and trust in Him.

He is the reason I am still here - that Josh is writing music, that Jerra is learning about love, that Jake's attitude is an inspiration to others. And it is for His Glory that I will remember this day, every year as long as I live as a testimony to His Love.

The Obedience Project

o·be·di·ence   /oʊˈbidiəns/

–noun
1. the state or quality of being obedient.
2. the act or practice of obeying; dutiful or submissive compliance: Military service demands obedience from its members.
3. a sphere of authority or jurisdiction, esp. ecclesiastical.
4. Chiefly Ecclesiastical .
   a. conformity to a monastic rule or the authority of a religious superior, esp. on the part of one who has vowed such conformance.
  b. the rule or authority that exacts such conformance.

Origin: 1150–1200; ME < OF < L oboedientia.
 
Let's be honest here, this particular noun is not a natural part of my persona.  If my friends were to describe me, the state of being obedient would not be in the list. In fact I find myself sometimes secretly pushing the limits to prove that I can do what I want as opposed to what I have been told to do - just to see how much I can get away with.  This is not always a conscious decision, in fact I think it is some subprogram that my subconscious runs in the background, but when I look back on situations, I see that it was running.  Maybe this is an attempt at proving I am special in some way.  Maybe almost everyone does this.  Hah- you know the line: you are special just like everyone else!
 
This morning at Mass, though, when this was mentioned in the readings it was like a punch to my chest.  I had the realization that a Loving Father would only give rules and ask me to obey them if those rules were in my best interest and designed to protect me. In essence, I realized that by not obeying the rules- by not being obedient - I have put myself in danger, or at least invited trouble unnecessarily.
 
Don't misunderstand me, I am not saying that all rules imposed by a Church or a Government are good rules, but there is a difference between just disobeying because you can and disobeying a rule on moral principle.  I am talking about those things I disobey just because I can.
 
When I was a young girl, and the emphasis on having a man in my life hadn't been linked so closely with my worth, I wanted to be a missionary.  I read endless volumes of the Maryknoll books that were piled in my grandparent's bathroom and when they came to speak at Mass, they spoke of a world that just entranced me.   They take vows, those missionaries.  Vows of Poverty, Chastity and Obedience. 
 
Well, we have been blessed with exactly what we need.  No more, no less - and that is not exactly poverty, but there are times that it feels pretty darn close. I think more than focus on a bank account, though, poverty means denying opulence and overdoing it in favor of sharing what you have.  It is a focus on people instead of stuff.  Okay, I am doing that one okay already.
 
Chastity has been a product of my current situation, not a choice I have made consciously.  This may be the next thing I work on- but for now, the obedience is the target.
 
So, I am going to work on being obedient: meeting my deadlines, paying bills on time, getting where I need to be early, doing what I know I "should" be doing.    It will be an experiment that I'll try until the end of October.  Let's see how it works out, if things change by trying to be obedient.

What is it that only God can do?

The email devotion this morning caught my attention because I can answer this one pretty easily. I have prayed for healing for Jake- and while I am not thrilled about the outcome, I know that now is not the time yet for this to be over for us.

Only God can fix the disaster area that is my love life.

I still talk to about a dozen men I used to date, mostly on Facebook, and we have stayed friend after a romance.I think that speaks to the friendship that was a part of the romance, but it has left me perplexed.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and totally stink at hiding what I am feeling.
I am going out for drinks and dinner with someone who has potential, but no spark, because he has potential and I wonder if that makes me a total jerk- I've been counseled that I need to give it some time to see if my feelings change.
I hurt the person I actually like back and he will probably NEVER ask me out. Super.

I seem to be attracting, at least historically, people with negative energy. I've gone back to meditative prayer to adjust that energy - hopeful that this will help! 

So this prayer, I will send to the Heavens:

Dear Lord,

I want to offer a prayer for the partner I haven't found yet.  Please be a balm to his heart because if his lonliness is like mine, it hurts him.  Please reassure him that I am coming and preparing myself to be a good partner when You deem the time to be right. I don't care about his looks, I don't care about his age, I only care that he has a heart for You and loves You above all else.  I would like him to be human, and have frailties, please, a saint might be a little overwhelming to a sinner like me. I do care that he has room in his heart, I do care that he is able to love me without major renovations, I do care that he can take care of himself.  Lord, I'll trust you to take the pain of this longing from me until such time as it is appropriate for me to look again. I love You - and I know You love me back. I felt that so intensely in Adoration last night.

Now if you could manifest that in physical form, that'd be great.
Thanks.

ePiC FaiLUrE

When my dad was dealing with Lymphoma, he started doing a lot of reading about possible medical, holistic, and dietary influences on the progression of cancers. We have always been proponents of good nutrition and supplementation. About that same time, I had read about Suzanne Somers and her remarkable ordeal with breast cancer - where she allowed the surgery to remove the tumor, but refused to have the subsequent chemotherapy. She used appropriate nutrition, supplementation and bioidentical hormone replacement therapy to make her body healthy.

I have always love her work, so when I found out that she had several books with deal with hormone replacement and aging, I bought them and read through them hungrily . While I am not a proud woman, and I am not afraid to grow older, I need to stay healthy because there are people who depend on me.


So over the years I have seen a couple of good holistic practitioners who have started me on a variety of meds based on my vitamin deficiencies: Tumeric, Vitamin D, Omega 3, CoQ10, Selenium and a multivitamin for good measure. I also added progesterone after my hysterectomy to assure that my hormones were in line- because before that they were not. I think they are working out well because I am rarely sick and I feel really good most all of the time - even if I don't get enough sleep.

I switched compounding pharmacies and in the confusion of calling my prescriptions in, the hormones got switched. About 5 weeks ago, when I met a man who I actually liked AND respected - I started taking estrogen twice a day. So by the third day on this regimen, I have roughly the hormones of a woman in her 7th month of pregnancy. Super. Emotional, crying for no reason, taking everything personally, having trouble sleeping and concentrating. I can totally see it now - of course, hindsight is 20/20.

I was talking with my friend, Mary, on Friday, and she pointed out that I was more emotional than usual- I called the pharmacy and asked about the Rx as it is the only thing I take by prescription. I had missed my Friday night and Saturday doses already- so when I got the message on Sunday morning that it had been just estrogen - I was....well I was upset.

It is very possible that I was at my worst-possible emotional state for the past month- the exact time when I needed to be strong for my family and take care of Jake and when I had the potential to get to know someone who had all the qualities I was looking for.

I read back through my notes to him -and I sounded like an ass - like a 12-year old who was mad about not getting her way and not getting enough attention. Not my best-self at all.

So I sent him a note and apologized - said I had been an ass - and hoped that he would forgive me. I don't know if he will - or if I will ever hear from him again.

That is something I will regret - or maybe think of wistfully as it certainly wasn't an error I made on purpose or with the intention of destructing things.

But I did learn an important lesson - that if something feels off, I should trust my instincts and not just blame the circumstances. I thought all the emotional blathering was a result of worrying about my son - but even though I am not thrilled about the outcome, I knew the entire time that God would watch over us - and He did. That was a poor explanation for my weird emotional state. I need to look deeper and more objectively if I doubt myself again. The lesson I learned is that I need to trust where I have been - and I need to trust myself.

This morning's readings were the story of the Prodigal Son - a do over, so to speak. I resolved in my heart that I am going to stop worrying about being alone - while still praying for my future partner and his well-being - because He is watching over me and He can make things work out in this next do-over even if I can't.