need to vent

warning: I need to vent this - it is personal and is not directed at any one person, but the throng of people who seem to be using God for their own personal amusement - when you mess with a member of the bear's family, she has to swat you.

I take my faith very seriously. Don’t have any other choice since I depend on God and His providence to help me when I am overloaded. Let me tell you, when you are the only support – emotionally and financially – for three kids who depend on you, there are moments that the weight is unbelieveable. Yesterday was just such a day – the kitchen sink was broken, one child was sick and needed a doctor visit and antibiotics, another forgot his football pads and needed me to drive out to school to drop off the rest of his fees for football and advanced Jazz band, the dishes were as high as the Eiffel Tower because the sink and subsequently the dishwasher was out of commission, the rest of my belongings are boxes stacked precariously all over the house – awaiting a permanent resting place, the other house needs “thresh holds” and mums planted so I had to swing by and pick those up, the trash and the brush needed to be put out for collection today, there are about ten loads of laundry as a result of recieveing the remainder of our clothes from the Ogre, Jake had a stomach ache and a melt down before football when I wouldn't let him take canned diet pop in place of water, had to meet with the Ogre to exchange the cell phone and computer – he is still crazy and has decided that now he wants to be married to me – that is a whole other issue - the van still has a short and had to be taken over for repairs, and then there is work – this is my busy time and I have about two hundred charts at my desk waiting to be reviewed, I am trying to do the coordination for a big nutrition Wellness Promotion for my company, working on the Christmas party entertainment and then there is my actual work.

As I read the list, I think - HOLY CRAP - that is only one day – but by the end of the day, all but the actual meetings for my work groups was taken care of. That is not something I can do by myself – it is nothing short of divine intervention, keeping all of it straight and still managing to tuck my boys in and spend some time with my daughter talking about teenager stuff.

I don’t consider myself a prude – I have certainly tasted the sweetness of the apple tree – but it just irks me when people have this need to mock God – again because He is very real to me and He intervenes daily to keep my sane in this mess. There are just some things that should be sacred –even if you aren’t a believer, things like adultery and stealing don’t do good things for anyone’s life. It really isn’t funny that people go to Hell, isn’t funny that the gift of salvation is offered, but people refuse it – isn’t funny that people who have taken vows are tempted and fall into sins. Really miffs me that a person would feel like Hell is an option - It will piss me off if I get to Heaven and the people I love didn't have enough sense to be there, too.

This also hits a nerve for me because I have spent two years committed to someone who spent every day criticizing my faith -and I spent a lot of energy defending my faith. I spent the last two years VOLUNTARILY OBEYING the rules of the Church which said I couldn't receive communion if i was married outside the Church. I don’t go to church and call myself a believer because I have it together – I believe because I realize that it takes about half a second for me to choose the wrong path and that doing the wrong thing is ever so much easier. Church is not a hall for saints but a haven for sinners. I am tired of apologizing and explaining. We never know when the next breath will be our last - why gamble - why not live like this might be the last day you have - forgiving even though the person doesn't deserve it - saying I love you to the people who need to hear it and doing your best.

Bottom line is this: Once again God has blessed me - no other way to explain how I came across someone in Albuquerque, at just the right time in my life, when neither person was looking, and the deep need of everyone ( kids and grown-ups alike) involved was fulfilled – that doesn’t happen by accident or by Fate. What kind of fool bites the very hand that feeds us? Why piss off the benefactor of our good fortune and blessings? Just doesn’t make any sense to me.

Musings on Monday

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Sorry, Sweetheart, I just couldn't resist!!!


Another Day Apart

There comes a morning, a dawning realiziation, that all of a sudden every song on the radio is about the two of you. Songs about longing and being apart bring me close to tears; I can feel that pain because it is so close to my own. The times that I wake up wondering where he is have become less frequent - and though it was romantic - it was torturous to have that waking moment where I felt the pillows wondering why his ribs were so soft, only to come out of sleep and discover it was not him at all. There are times that I want the pain of separation to stop, but I am not willing to lose him, only willing to whine about it. I have moments where I want to talk to him about some little thing the kids have done or the puppies or whatever, and I am struck with the reality that he is not here. Impulsivity problem - thank God for unlimited nights and weekends! When Jake and I ran out for ice cream last week, Jake wanted to call and ask if we should swing by and pick him up. It took a second for the reality to sink in that it was not possible - hard to do that from here.

I will not apologize that I think in big terms. I do not spend my time and emotions on people and relationships for fun or entertainment. Single mothers worth their salt don't have that kind of luxury. If I didn’t think there was potential for the two of us, I wouldn’t insult either of us by pretending I did. There isn’t a point to having a long term relationship with a man you are in love with if you cannot ever see committing to him. I don't have any idea how that will play out, especially since there are jobs and houses and college and schools which all seem to be in the way at the moment. Not committing to anything would trivialize the miracle of finding someone you are compatible with who actually likes you back. The realization that suddenly all of your plans for the future include someone else can feel overwhelming. I don't even know where to start - back to the whole idea of where do we think we will live - where should Jerra look for colleges - do we stay here - do we go there - do we pick a new spot??? Lots of questions remain unanswered - and unasked. And yet, I would like nothing more than to make promises and gift to him a future of a family who loves him.

Hard to know when the time is right – don’t want to rush either of us – and getting used to having someone else standing beside you (and checking up on you when you are driving home late) takes time. I should by all accounts be scared out of my mind – even the thought of promising anything or opening myself up after last time seems incredible. But there is this quiet reassurance that this is different. That this is real and true …everything that is good in the world is contained in the moments that we are all together, here, at the lake, at the hotel, at the Yellow River Game Ranch. Doesn’t matter where. It is as though I have been at the frontline standing alone against enemy forces and all of a sudden I have reinforcements - leagues of reinforcement. I have been able to call on my girlfriends for moral support - but this is different. I feel stronger, braver and more assured than I have in ages. I feel like myself again –strengthened because there are two of us now. Tackling the daily dramas of raising three kids, five dogs, nineteen ducks, six fish, and two frogs doesn’t seem so difficult when I know that I have a secret stash – the love of someone who seems to understand; the blessing of someone who will say: hey, wait, listen to me, until my soul is calmed down and my head is cleared; the miracle of a kiss that soothes my doubts like a hot toddy on a winter day. I can only pray that I am a blessing to him in return - I would like nothing more than to know I make his life better by helping to carry his burdens.

So I will make it through another day apart, telling myself that we are preparing our lives, preparing our hearts, checking and cross-checking to assure that what we see is accurate, dreaming of a day when we can wake up together and no longer spend the days apart.

Restoration

Job 42:1
Then Job answered the LORD and said,
Job 42:2
"I know that You can do all things, And that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.
Job 42:3
'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?' "Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand, Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know."
Job 42:4
'Hear, now, and I will speak; I will ask You, and You instruct me.'
Job 42:5
"I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear; But now my eye sees You;

Job 42:10
The LORD restored the fortunes of Job when he prayed for his friends, and the LORD increased all that Job had twofold.

There are no words to express my deep graditude for this torment being over a week earlier that it was supposed to be. By Monday, the papers will be filed, signatures in place, and there is a new beginning. And after I sign that paper, I will never think of the Ogre again, but he will not be able to forget the family he has forsaken. I will live my life in a dance of thanksgiving to God who protected me, gave me a fair settlement, and will provide the best revenge - living well surrounded by people I love.

How to Know if your Ex is Demonically Possessed

During the final meeting to hash out all the details in the divorce, there was a discussion about extending the restraining order/no contact order for two years. Had to push for that since he has apparently lost his mind and feels that terrorizing a family is appropriate behavior. The conversation went something like this:

His lawyer, dictating: The No Contact order will be extended for two years as agreed by the parties and they shall have no contact with one another during this time.
Ogre interruption: Wait, no contact for two years? What if I need to talk to her? What if I need to call her or she needs something?
His lawyer: No contact. You can't call her, or talk to her.
My lawyer: That is kind of the whole point of getting divorced.
The Ogre: I think I still want to be married.

The room fell silent - both his lawyer and my lawyer were stunned into silence. In that moment, I suddenly saw the person I married - not the monster, but that person who was suddenly awakened into the realization that his marriage was ending. It was truly frightening to see.

My lawyer piped in: You will have to find someone else for that now.

Winds of War

The hair stands on the back of my neck
My instincts say there is evil on the wind
A force to be reckoned with
Scratching at the air, circling me like prey

I dare not speak of this out loud
But the entity has made it’s intention known
My prayers continue to rise
A plea that things will not end this way

I touch the souls I have for support
But how do you give words to this?
What can I ask of them
To give up their lives and offer protection?

I know it has prowled around my house
In and out of the sacred space where
I hold my children
Watching them as they peacefully dream of tomorrow

There will come a time of truth
When the evil will have to be confronted
And I gather my strength
Steeling my will for the fight that is coming

I circle back home, checking the locks
In the dark I check outside, assuring we are alone
Turning on sensors and lights
Knowing they are not really protection from evil

The day grows nearer, the tension palpable
He has miscalculated the power of my Deliverer
But I must survive the test of patience
That is asked of me; enduring the lies and assaults

On that day, I will do what is required
I will stand for the truth, stand for my children
If a violent end is required,
That too I will embrace as evil has chosen it’s course

Appearances

Sometimes it looks like in spite of my prayers, the Enemy is winning. He already tried to steal my dreams by destroying a marriage and trying to cause my family to live in fear of a man who is merely the shell of a human. When I watched Fallen last week, I could so clearly see the similarities in what has happened to Dan the Ogre. Creepy.

Over the weekend, I spent a lot of time talking to God and thanking him for a new start, from bringing Justin into our lives, for the personal growth that has occurred as a result of the disaster that was my life with the Ogre. I have felt pissed, confused, abandoned and now, exceptionally blessed.

Last night I returned from the lake only to find that two of my lawn chairs had been stolen from my front lawn - in plain site - and that several of my things had been taken out of the attic of the house next door - and were left on the porch without cover. Nothing like coming home late only to find you will have to carry furniture inside after you tuck your kids into bed. Again, we clamor for revenge, and again I reassure myself and the angry kids that God will take care of this for us and that in the end, the Ogre will pay.

Jerra was home sick today, and something told me that while I was out of the office, she should have a way to get me by phone. I called and let her know where I was. At 2:10 she called me crying to tell me that Dan had tried to get in the front door and when he found that locked, he went around to the back door and tried to get in. I bought special locks - the kind they have at hotels which latch on the inside. When I bought and installed them, Jerra said it "creeped her out" and she didn't like them. Today, they worked well. She said Dan ran from the yard as she came to the back door to see who was there, leaving the woman staring after him as he got in his car and drove off.

He had come with an appraiser, a woman who was told that Dan lived there. Of course, he does not. Jerra was friendly, asked for a moment and called the police to report the attempted break in. They sent an officer who interviewed the appraiser and then Jerra let the woman in to do her job - not sure how long she stayed or even if she was done, but God bless her, Jerra was polite.

I listen to radio preachers on the Moody Bible station - helps keep me focused on what is really important. The message at 11:30 today was this: I will not fear what men may do to me. My Lord can raise the dead, He heals the lame, He comforts the sorrowing, He promises that the lowly of this world will inherit His Kingdom. He is Truth and Life. He already saved me from strangulation, drove me home when I had no business behind the wheel, got me through colic and then brain surgery with Jacob, brought me and three kids a thousand miles away from anyone we knew, and He has blessed me in ways I cannot even put into words with the people who love me and surround me. I will not live in fear of the Ogre - demon that he is. The Enemy will not beat us - or make me afraid - or make me doubt. I only have eleven days left until this whole thing is decided and I can embark on my new life. I expect that it will be the toughest part.
It reminds me of the opening scene from The Passion, Satan lurks while Jesus considers his prospects and gathers strength. Then there is the look of Absolute Resolve, as He stands and decides to do what is right and what is asked of Him. In that moment, the power and determination shows through - would have scared me if I had been on the other end of that look. It is that same Deliverer who guards my house and protects my children and me. I will not fear what men may do to me.

When Love Walks Through the Door

First I want to vent a little bit. If a man goes to war and he is engaged in both peacetime work and ugly battles, he is considered a seasoned veteran. If he has been in a battle and lost, does he bear the entire responsibility – or are there other factors that play in over which he has no control? No sane person would blame the loss of a battle on one man, it takes a series of events for a battle or a war to be lost. Relationships are a similar circumstance, it seems to me. There are choices to be made, tasks to be delegated, people with important responsibilities, new territory to navigate, enemies, land mines, ambassadors, politics and plenty of people with opinions. This begs the question – is a person who has never been married better able to discern what a healthy relationship looks like – what about if they were married once, twice or three times? How many times a person has tried and failed is not nearly as important as whether there were lessons learned and skills sharpened. There are choices to be made – do you pick yourself up and learn from it – or do you stay in the same patterns? I have failed at three marriages – and each time I should never have been there in the first place, and I sold myself short – settling in some way for the bird in hand. I have friends and family who have encouraged me to trivialize what I have found by dating around. Newsflash - I have been dating since I was thirteen - it hasn't been working for me so far!!!

Here are the things I know:
1. Getting married because you are pregnant is not a good idea
2. Getting married because people expect you to is also bad
3. Staying away from relationships all together for 8 years is not a good idea
4. Thinking the opposite sex is the enemy, a source of entertainment, or a retirement program is wrong – never thought this, but I have girlfriends who do
5. Choosing a relationship because your kids need a dad – also wrong
6. Finding and losing someone you really love is incredibly painful and time won't make those feelings go away.
7. Time will tell a lot about a person’s character – so will a soggy camping trip
8. Settling leads to heartbreak and / or divorce
9. I cannot be in love enough for two people
10. I am secure about who and what I am, and I don’t have to agree with my friends
11. My friends and family love me and will always be overprotective because they do
12. I have to make up my own mind based on what I have learned and lived through

Geez – I knew a lot more than I thought I did.

I didn’t want to fall in love ever again. Had no intention – wasn’t looking. Actually, I had said I would not even entertain the idea. I didn’t pick him, Jacob did, grabbing him by the hand and walking into the stadium. When I sat by Justin that night, I thought he was someone else (had my stories confused with another of Steph’s friends). I didn’t mean to like him – then I couldn’t stop liking him. Even after I started talking to him on the phone, I kept trying to figure out where to put him, how to ignore the chemistry and keep him as a friend – what to do about the growing feeling like we were connected and drawn to each other – in spite of ourselves. I have said all along that it is probably funny to watch from the outside – two people who love each other but are fairly pissed about becoming so vulnerable so fast.

He spent the weekend at my house. It was the first time ever my home felt complete – first time I felt joy at having a man there, as opposed to the gnawing feeling in my gut like things will not be good enough. He said he loved me – and not like "I love cherry chocolate chip ice cream", like I love you for real. This is a big step for us both. I never have had so much trouble saying the words, but then again, I cannot remember when I meant it as completely as I do now.

I Wanna be a Bear

I wanna be a bear
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for
six months.
I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat
anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat
them too.
I could deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He
EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup..... I wanna be a bear. - Anonymous Author

Today's news included a story of a bear in Washington who drank 36 cans of Rainier pale ale and passed out in the park...and the bear MADE THE NEWS!!! Anyone else for being a bear???
http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/West/08/18/bear.beer.reut/index.html

Prochoska’s Stages of Change

There are times in our lives where things get shaken up – and the path takes a turn. Sometimes they are sudden, sometimes you can see it coming a mile away. I spend my days helping people make positive changes in thier lives - believing in them when they cannot believe in themselves.

Oddly enough, I had an in-service this morning on helping people make changes in their lives, and like all other health-related in-services, much of this applies to my own life. The important thing to evaluate where we are in the process of making changes and then use the appropriate resources/methods to make those changes. The stages are as follows:

1. Precontemplative – in this phase we believe we do not have an opportunity, or that something cannot happen to us, so we do not actively do anything in our lives to address the potential opportunity. In this phase, collecting information and assessing our potential is very important. The time frame for changing here is never, unless we get enough information that it motivates us to go to the next phase
2. Contemplative – in this phase we may see that an opportunity to better our lives does exist. Here is where we start to change our identity-view, deciding that there could be a different version of our lives. We are aware that an opportunity exists. More information is gathered as well as thinking about how others around us will be effected by the changes. Information about potential interventions (jobs, diets, medications, relationships, locations, etc) is gathered and evaluated. Change can come within the next six months from this phase
3. Preparation – In this phase, there are specific plans, based on the information gathered. Small changes are made on a trial basis before jumping into the full active plan. In this phase the best thing we can do for ourselves is to understand that change will feel uncomfortable and that we may try a small adjustment only to find we don’t like it. Trying something else is fine. Often times, this phase needs a time limit or a start date to keep the momentum focused.
4. Action – this phase includes active pursuit of the opportunity, making lifestyle changes that will accommodate the new identity and behaviors. There is a commitment to continue this behavior and see how things can turn out. Lapses are common and expected. To make a change permanent, it will take us about 6 months. Failure in this phase is often due to fear or wavering commitment to the opportunity. Keeping track of how this has improved your life or how much money is saved or earned can help. Having a support system to encourage you can also make a big difference on the days that it seems difficult.
5. Maintenance – after a change has been in place for 6 months, it becomes habit. The healthful behaviors have led to the ability to cope with lapses, negative emotions, and tempting environments. In this phase, support is important and continuing to commit and work at the change is imperative (to stave off false confidence)
6. Termination – in this phase the change has become fully integrated and there is no longer the temptation to wonder if you have made the right choice. This is not a goal everyone reaches, but it is possible if you have the belief in yourself and your abilities.

Girlfriends and 20/20 Hindsight

I have been blessed with some terrific girlfriends. I can count six who I know would come bail me out of jail if I needed them to - two of whom recently did! Though this is a blessing in most aspects, the close nature and long term of these relationships leaves me open to criticism that can really sting.

Last week when I was talking to one of my friends, she said that the new relationship I am in is foolish and that I am not good at relationships. Actually, she said that I suck at love and dating. Not sure if the end of that argument was that I should just be alone forever, or that I should just give up hope. This is the same friend who chided me two and a half years ago about being alone for 8 years and not taking a risk and dating again. Seems I just can’t get this right.

Anyway, this gave me food for thought as I looked for the grain of truth in what she said. She is someone I love and trust and her opinion really matters to me. So I introduced her to the amazing man I have found. I couldn’t answer the question as to why with all the women in the world he would choose me – or why he is willing to risk it with someone who has been to the rodeo before – and been unsuccessful there. I can't explain why this is different, except that I am happy, I am myself, I can't stop feeling great about my new life, I want to write again and I feel like I have found a piece of my family that was missing. I called twice now seeking her observations and her opinion – especially since she also says she knew the last marriage was doomed the day I got married (would have been useful before I walked the aisle).

I love my friends, but it irritates me to no end that I brought a man who was talking about marrying me to them, asked for their opinion and they DIDN”T TELL ME THE TRUTH!!! Why else would I bring him? If I come asking for your opinion – I want the truth not what you think I want to hear. And thank you for telling me ten times that you knew I shouldn’t have gotten married last time – if I had believed any of my friends shouldn’t have gotten married to their husbands, I sure as HELL would have said so – instead of letting them live through the nightmare that has been my life for almost two years.

I have a hundred reasons to run like mad. But I have one reason to stay. God doesn’t break His promises. He promised that He has plans to prosper me, not to harm me. He promised to be a father to the fatherless and a husband to the widow. He promised to listen to our prayers and answer them in His Time, even if the answer was no. He promised that if I have faith and hope and love that everything will work together for good – even things that are horrible. Bottom line is that He likes restoration – He likes to reward faith with blessing to make a point to all those people who are not sure God still takes an active part in people’s lives anymore.

So still I wait to hear from her, hoping for insight before hindsight.

Time (waiting stinks)

There are days that I speak of patience
And the words sound logical and true
I hear myself say that it doesn’t matter
All I really want is to be with you
No matter what we call this season we are in

I don’t want to be patient anymore
On the days I am not as strong
I don’t want to wake up in an empty bed
No more sleeping alone all night long
I don’t want to wait, don’t want to be practical

I feel like I have waited my whole life
For my life to begin, for time to come
For someone to know me and love me
For someone who would be strong enough
To keep promises made in the dark

But I know that only more time
Will vanquish the demons that cause
Questions and doubts, getting in the way
Of expressing the things I so desperately
Need to say to you, to myself, to the demons within

Only time will prove whether each of us
Is the person we seem to be
Only time will be able to judge whether
The right choices were made, the right path
Was taken, or whether we went off course

So again I trudge through the day
Knowing that it is too soon to tell
Too soon to promise, too soon to doubt
I stand again, letting your affection mold me
Praying I don’t talk myself out of the love of my life

Roots

Had several interesting conversations last night in my quest to talk to people I trust about what to do. When I pray for guidance, God has this uncanny way of being really obvious with me - I mentioned in passing to a friend that I was not sure what to do and that I was considering taking a job somewhere else that would pay better and give us a new start. She looked stricken - and she said - you'd better really think about that - your kids have roots here, they like it here and it would be a shame to move them again. Well, it was not really a solicited comment, but I think she summed it up for me. The consensus was that we stay where we have been planted.

It was no accident that we ended up here - I just happened to be home the week they were interviewing for the job I have. I had to come home for the funeral of a friend, and the day before I left, they called asking if they could fly me in for an interview. Then my folks found a house with less than 48 hours before we were going to head back to Indiana. No accidents there. We are friends again with a family I went to high school with - we are only an hour away from 4 of my aunts and uncles and less than that to get to my folks and one of my best friends. There have been a lot of great memories here over the last three years.

Most importantly, I have promises to keep -I promised Jerra she would finish out her schooling here, Joshua has become so well liked and well adjusted at the school, it would be a shame to move him, and Jacob has regular visitation with his dad and teachers who really like him. I also promised my dad - not an out loud promise, but the unspoken kind - that I would keep the kids accessible and let him be a good grandpa. They get to go to the lake house, they get to see my folks and most importantly, they have established ties here and it feels like home.

When I moved out to Arizona, it started as a nagging sense that something was missing. It took me six months from the inception of the idea to actually move. It was the best thing I have ever done for our family - and we have some very dear friends because of that decision. I have prayed over this all weekend because I want to be sure that if the opportunity is pushing me to move and start a new life that I don't miss it. Even the person I thought would be a proponent of that idea, didn't encourage me to do it, so here I stay. I miss him and it is difficult knowing that during the school year trips to see one another will be few and far between.

I want to build something, establishing a foundation for what can be. I will have to do some of the planning for my new garden on my own, though I would prefer to do it in tandem. So now comes the hard part - tilling up the soil to see what is underneath and what I can plant there. Then finding the perfect spot to plant my roots and move my garden in.

Building Blocks

Over the last six months, I have watched my life change dramatically. The dream I had has vaporized, my big plans for an organic farm, working from home and playing with the kids all summer, taking the eggs and vegetables to the farmer's market - all vanished as though they never existed. It was like someone came through and knocked my Lego castle all over the floor - and now I can't find the directions so I have to start over from scratch.
Yesterday I was listening to a preacher from Atlanta, of all places. He was talking about how God blesses people who are willing to believe that He is the purveyor of miracles. He restores dreams and when He restores, He doesn't play around. For people who have lost opportunity, God will provide another, better opportunity if we have faith. For those who have missed out on riches, another chance to earn the money and be proud of earning it may come along. He described how his wife couldn't bear children and said that if she had been closed off and didn't have faith that God would restore her dream, they might have missed out on adopting their kids. Then he talked about people who hang on - even though a marriage is over - to the hope of restoration. When the moment comes that it is time to release it to God, we open ourselves to a new dream.
That really hit home. Things are in a state of flux - with big decisions about how to divide up the land and houses and what to do about my folks place - rent or sell. How much money do I ask for, do I buy another place or just find somewhere to rent? And then there is the question of work. I don't want to plan another move but all of a sudden I have gotten a couple of leads on jobs that could mean a $20,000 raise. That extra money couldn't hurt with a daughter in college. One of these would bring me closer to a person I want to spend more time with - the other further. Either way, it would mean a move to new surroundings for the kids and I don't think they are ready. And what if the decision is made that staying here is better for the kids - right now I think so - but it seems that they are so much happier when he is around. And there is the question of what we are building now. The statement has been made that there has not been enough time, but I am not sure I want to trivialize things by ignoring the signs I so plainly see. I want to rebuild my life, alone or in concert, with the kids and my farm, so I have some tough choices to make.
The whole thing begs some very difficult and cagey questions - what am I building, what do I want my life to look like - is it anything like what he wants his to look like - am I building it alone ( I don't think so) and if not should we have conversations about the direction we are taking - risking exposure - or do we continue making choices separately without really talking to one another -risking misunderstanding, or worse, going in opposing directions. Building requires a commitment to build - nothing more - but a willingness to step up to the plate and be honest and allow for input. Constrictive criticism and a clear vision of what you are building is important. This is touchy territory for me and I am struggling - but building requires some sweat equity and I am willing. I am not sure what kind of commitment I will be able to give, my wounds are still pretty fresh - but I know I can commit to the desire to be together as long as he is willing - to be together in the same zip code as often as we can manage it. To be open to hope. I want to lay the foundation for something wonderful, to believe that God will restore my dreams in a way so beautiful, I wouldn't have dared dream it could be true. Time will tell how it all turns out, but in the meantime, I want to come up with a blueprint and start rebuilding my nest. Decisions need to be made by morning, and the prayers for guidance start now.

Swirls on the ceiling

When I am stressed, I work - manically I think, but I work. If things are not going well, my house is clean, my garden is recently weeded, and little projects are all done. For the last couple of months, I have been working myself most of the time like a borrowed dog.

Last night, in addition to working my full time job, adopting puppies and knocking out a sink full of dishes, I had to re-spackle the ceiling in the bathroom. The ceiling was showing signs of the inattention one sees in a house that has been rented and not loved for some time. The house we are staying in will probably not be ours after all the legal stuff is final. Josh asked why I would even want to do anything to that house - why paint and fix pipes and caulk the tub. Seemed futile to him.

Making a house into a home for your family is really important. So what if we stay there two weeks or two years, I want the house to look good for them - to feel like a place they can come to rest and be themselves. There is often a load or two of laundry to be folded or dishes in the sink - but overall, the house is put together. Pictures are hung and comfort things are placed where we can see them. New paint gives the place a clean feel - the caulk prevented more water damage and made the tub look cleaner, the KILZ on the bathroom ceiling and walls took care of a mildew problem someone should have addressed years ago, and the pipe in the basement has been draining water from the tub and the washing machine into the basement for Lord only knows how long. Needs to be fixed, so I fix it.

I don't really care who benefits from it later - I want the kids to be able to benefit from it now. Don't think I have to worry about Better Homes and Gardens stopping by to take pictures. For now, we are blooming where we are planted - even if it is borrowed soil.

Addicted to Mothering

I have an addiction. I am addicted to watching things grow - babies, flowers, ducklings, froglets, and most of all puppies. I have to grow things - it is a healthier outlet than mothering cruel men. It is in growing things and vesting time in the lives of others that I have received more than I have given - a change of heart, a way-to-soft-crying-at-commercials kind of heart that I wouldn't trade even when it hurts.

At one time in Arizona we had 16 dog/puppies. Most of them were rescues, little souls we found while driving in Gallup or Chinle. Others found their way into my yard and just stayed. We got pretty good at worming and giving shots, so the vet bills were at a minimum unless there was a serious problem. And we lost a couple rescue pups to distemper and parvo - when the disease took them before they got to our house. Most of the puppies stayed until they got fat and glossy - then they found a new home, a couple went to Durango to a no-kill facility, but mostly, they found homes.

The past couple of months have really been about restoration for the kids and I. Getting back into a normal rhythm, feeling safe, relaxing into a state where we can be loving and not defensive. I think Jerra is struggling the most, particularly because she protests so much about being fine. She approached me yesterday with $50 of her own money and asked if she could get a puppy from the Humane Society. She has been going every day after school to the Humane Society - something we have done forever, just to look at the animals and snuggle up to the puppies. But we haven't done it over the last two years because of the Ogre.

We just got a puppy in May, she is wonderful but she is much more interested in tormenting our other dogs than loving on the kids. I agreed to go with her and look. Jerra has learned that the right look will melt me pretty quickly, but I walked in and the puppy she originally picked out didn't steal my heart. I thought I was home free. Unfortunately, there was a momma with two puppies left - she is a dalmation cross with lots of freckles who ended up at the Humane Society because she ate the neighbor's goats. The pups are beautiful - two little girls with soft white fur, one with black dots and dapples, the other with chocolate spots and dapples, making her look like a Springer spaniel. Jerra and I were holding them - never a good idea - and the fateful moment came. The Director came out and said it would be a shame to separate them, and that we could take them both. So we did.

This morning I awoke to a wee beesom chewing on my toes - then promptly peeing in my bed.

Was it worth it? Am I a push over? Yes. When it comes to little creatures and giving the kids something to love safely, I am all over it. The three kids curled up on the couch last night, babies in arms. Josh was on all fours having the pups chase him around and Jacob even climbed in bed with me this morning just to curl up with the puppies. Dogs have unconditional love - if you are having a bad day, if you lose your job, if you need a shower - they love you anyway. Jerra sounded more like herself last night - let the destruction of all my shoes begin!

What Just Happened?

Took the kids to Atlanta this weekend. It was one thing that I was in love with him - quite another that all three kids had such a great time that they didn't want to leave. From the moment we pulled into the parking lot - following him to the hotel, the kids were entranced. Each of the kids sees a part of themselves in him. He held the doors, carried my bags, brought cokes for the kids, called to check our progress on the road, led me around town with at least one kid in the Jeep, held my hand when no one was looking, tolerated splashing boys in the pool, let me spend time with Chris, Mel and Matthew again, and played with the kids, and even left to go home at 2 in the morning, so that the kids wouldn't be freaked out by him being there when they woke up. Over and over again he was kind to me - and kind to them, melting all of those barriers we have built up over the years.

A part of me is concerned that I may have made a mistake - what if he changes his mind - or decides there is no way to bridge the distance between where our lives are - what if the implied promises are not clear or we are not making the same ones - what if he never falls in love with me and this intense "thing" is all the more there ever is? That part of me is concerned, I don't want to do anything to hurt the kids ever again - and they really loved being with him - talked about it for about six hours in the car, laughing at things that were said, talking about how great it was being with him, and talking about the places we went. The most odd part of the discussion on the way home is how it seems so comfortable being with him - even though there are dozens of reasons why we shouldn't be ready, why we shouldn't be comfortable. It is too soon -he is too young - he is too far away - we all got hurt so badly last time - he isn't Catholic - he isn't even sure if he is in love with me - or if he will ever be. And none of that matters.

From that list, the conversation switched to how many things the kids want to do with him when he comes to see us. They had enough places to show him that it would take a year. There are assumptions being made about where this could go - of course there are- they want him to be around all the time. The two of us haven't even talked about any of that - seems like it is too soon - but who decides what is too soon and what is waiting too long? I had two votes to move - in spite of the humidity and the heat in Atlanta. I cannot remember a weekend that was more fun - though the wedding weekend in Albq was pretty great. There were no complaints about the drive - which was nine and a half hours - something that usually garners at least a little whining.

While I am happy from the wonderful weekend we had together, my heart is heavy with the realization that we are not going to get too many weekends all together - especially with the 600-mile distance. It was like having my family all together for the first time ever and having to leave someone behind -- it was just wrong. This morning there is the pervasive feeling that something is just not right - that someone is missing.

My mind just keeps repeating - what just happened? How did I get here - well I already know about the divine intervention part - God has been really busy healing up the wounds my kids have suffered. But is it possible that I finally found the person I have been waiting for - and what in the world was he doing in Atlanta - I didn't look there - geez, I wasn't looking at all. And what am I supposed to do about the fact that he is 600 miles away? I can't be in the same room without being able to touch him - being several states away is killing me. Never needed anyone like this. And today I am sad, and happy, and anxious and a little sleepy from the long drive. Reminds me of something he said - I wish I could just wake up like the character in Family Man, with my life already in progress and him there beside me.