merry christmas to all - and to all a good night

We had a great Christmas - but owing to the long trip to Indiana and now almost a week's worth of sleepless nights - I will post something more substantial later in the week. I took the week off to get Justin's house ready to put on teh market - so we will be up to our ears in paint until the weekend. Thanks to those of you who left souch good wishes for our Christmas - and said prayers for my dad. Your thoughts and kind words have really meant a lot.


It's dark now, and I need to cook dinner and put the ducks back in their pen. May His Face Shine down upon you!

Intra operative Note

The rooster crows as I leave my office
and the worried voice of my mother
on the other end of the phone says
that the lymph node was elusive in surgery

so the doctor who doesn't operate on necks
will have to push his limit, and find a node there
I can taste the fear it in my mouth
and there is nothing to do but pray

Tears well up in my eyes as I drive
where else would I go when I hurt
so my car veers into His driveway, His house,
where a Christmas Star already hangs in anticipation

The church is quiet, and a policeman drives past
Smiling and catching my eye as he waves
There are no lights, but the scent of pine
Greets me like an old friend as I walk in

To the front seat, wood smooth and warm
The Nativity is there, with the empty manger
But He is right there - looking down from the cross above
And He is my Lord so I ask

I ask for a miracle, I ask for angels
I ask for a blessing and a gift that I do not deserve
And the sacristy light flickers with a breeze I don't feel
The church is silent

I wait, and I pray and I let the tears come
Even on my best day, I still fall short
make mistakes, act like an ass, it happens
And I am sorry, but I am a child in deep need

A chill comes over me, my tears have stopped
I look over at the Nativity, they knew fear
They certainly knew sorrow and loss
The sacristy light burns straight and strong, only for a moment

And I know that He has heard my prayers
And will answer them as the Good Father that He is.

Merry Christmas - especially for Ian

Last week, Ian posted some beautiful pictures of Australia at Christmastime. Since he is my internet crush (it's okay, Justin already knows) - and possibly the crush of a few other girls I know, I wanted to say Merry Christmas properly. I found this on another blog, and had to share it:

Christmas, Aussie Style: http://www.kenduncan.com/echristmas

Merry Christmas, my friend.

Whirlwind Christmas

As I type this it is about 1:45. My dad is in surgery, getting shunts put in his kidneys to help them drain. I talked to him at lunch and he sounded fine. His back pain is gone - and the oncologist says there isn't a good reason why it should be gone. God cut him some slack - and maybe just maybe, we will be blessed with another miracle - we've lived through a couple already.

My dad survived a plane crash and a heart attack and lymphoma already, my mom and dad are still married and in love, I have a huge extended family. Jacob has survived brain surgery, Bear survived two car wrecks in two years, and Josh has survived the Ogre. We escaped intact last year and have found ourselves a bit displaced, but happy. All my kids are healthy, my animals are healthy, I have a husband who loves me and enough money to have all the bills paid before Christmas. I paid cash and there won't be any nasty credit card bills lurking in the January mail. I have some magnificent girlfriends - and have met dozens more through blogging - where I have really learned a lot this year.


Even though we hadn't planned on driving up to Indiana, that is the plan now. We leave before dawn Christmas Day. The local part of our family ( Including you YoJ, right?) are all coming with less than two day's notice over Christmas Eve - I don't think the house is clean enough - but who cares when you have presents!!!

In this country where there are people who don't have running water, or electricity or enough to eat, we are blessed. There were never any garuntees that the road would be easy " In this world you will have trouble, but I will be your Peace that where I am, there you may also be." And regardless of how this Christmas turns out, it is well with my soul.

Say a Little Prayer...

Tony Dungy, the coach of my beloved Colts, received word that his 18 year old son was found dead in his apartment in Tampa this morning. They do not suspect foul play. Take a moment and say a little prayer for this family, and for the man who gives so much to the community. No one deserves to suffer through such a thing at Christmas.

And while you are at it, add one for my dad, his name is Dave, and he is having surgery tomorrow to put in stents in his kidneys so his body is prepared to try to fight off cancer one more time. I can't be there so my prayers will have to do.

Reindeer Ticks

You can consider this my Christmas gift to you.
Merry Christmas and please heed this warning.

Tick Scam: If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on reindeer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around to shake off the ticks so they can count them, do not do it! IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid. Merry Christmas anyway!

(PS Thanks Sunny for this gem!)

Baby Garnet and I

Okay - two cute baby pictures - here is Steph and Mark's baby Garnet, the star of my visit to Albuquerque. What a beautiful baby!

Finally feeling silent night

As I reflect on last Christmas, we were a family still in transition. All of our Christmas things were in storage in Indiana, and I frankly wasn't sure how much of it we had managed to take with us. We had suffered a lot of losses, and were reeling trying to feel the spirit.

It has been a long year, full of trials and blessings alike. That is the way of things, living and dying, endings and beginnings. I have been having trouble getting into the Christmas spirit, even though I have been shopping for presents for three months now and listening to the Christmas CDs in my car. We finally boought a tree, unceremoniously last week. The tree was covered only in white lights, in a corner in the basement, awaiting children to adorn its branches, but days later they still lay bare.

Last night it was time to get the presents wrapped. I am pleased with the things I bought, and we had a bit of money this year, so we bought some great presents. Justin did the tape and the gift tags, while I wrestled with the paper. Each person gets one color paper so we can find things under the tree - hey there are five of us plus extended family, so the alternative is wading through a zillion things to find your presents.

Then the most amazing thing happened, as we were wrapping, I felt like the Grinch on Mount Crumpet, my heart filled with anticipation and joy at how thrilled the kids would be, about how cool the presents were for Justin and my folks, and the more I wrapped, the better I felt.

We were done at 12:30, I stacked the gifts and started taking them to the basement and the tree. The little white lights looked lonely, with the Fontanini manger as her only company. So I grabbed the basket of ornaments, things we gathered from Tsaile, Riodoso, Phoenix, Oklahoma City, Atlanta, Logansport,Indianapolis, Lukachukai mountains, Steph's Nutcracker, the kids handmade snowmen and gingerbread ornaments, Justin's wooden duck and the turtle dove my mom gave me. With each ornament, the tree looked more and more like it belonged in our house, like Christmas was finally on it's way, pressing forward, pushing its joyful message even though we weren't ready.

It is good to have our things, good to have our dorky Christmas ornaments and funny bent wreaths to hang about. And it is good when the house and the heart finally feel like Christmas is on the way.

Scene's from Loner's Ridge

I feel like I get bogged down with pictures, but I want to post them of the critters - so here is the address for pictures galore. Okay, I have only posted a couple so far, but here is where they will go: Scenes from Loner's Ridge


You can see the new goats, Nellie, Sophie and Jenny and the new puppy, Maggie.

In other news, we got our first EGGS from the ducks this morning - picture posted there as well!

I don't know how to do this

This is not my "happy life" post for today, mostly cause not every day is happy - go figure - that one is next - skip this if you aren't in the mood for something less than happy.

My dad is back to seeing the oncologist - and he asked me to keep this quiet - but since none of his friends and only my family read this, I don't think I am divulging anything.

The cancer is back - and has come back with a vengence. His kidneys are stressed from all the chemo - and the other antibiotics he is taking for an opportunistic infection in his lungs.

The upshot is that he is sick. And I don't know how to react appropriately, I guess.
I cannot find a definitive guide about how to act around someone who is sick - other than what years of nursing experience have taught me - be available, be open to doing whatever a person needs, and don't treat people like they are invalids - treat them like you did before.

For the duration of this, I have tried to treat him as I would want to be treated. That made sense to me since we are similar in how we deal with things like being sick. The last thing I would want is people fussing over me, calling me every day to see how I was feeling. I would want conversation about good things - funny things- focusing on living.

I have not wanted to be a pain - and the last thing I want to do is stress him out because he is trying to help me feel better about this. You can't make something like cancer all better just by wishing it away - but you can give it power over your life by having it be the focus of every conversation. That is not healthy.

I would do the same things my folks have done, making sure my plot is paid for and my funeral arrangements are made so as not to leave that to the kids - that is a pragmatic Loner thing to do. They have done this, we have talked about it - I feel pretty comfortable about it - but I don't see the need to keep bringing it up to him - when he wants to talk about it he will bring it up.

So how do you cope with the unknown - do I act like he will die any day? I don't feel like we have a bunch of unfinished business to settle - like there are things left unsaid. I never have felt that way - we have talked openly for a very long time. So I guess that explains the lack of urgency - the reason I dont' feel like I need to call him every day to see how he is feeling - I know how he is feeling - he is tired, he is not sleeping, he is in pain - and I can't see where calling to remind him of this - and forcing him to recount this is any help.

I am sad, and I am afraid it will be difficult for him - but I am a Christian, and a Catholic and I know that Christ will take my dad to a place of peace and rest when his days are over. I'm in no hurry to give him up - but the truth is that if I really believe, I know that is the fate of a man like my dad on the other side.

So what am I to do? Quit my job and move back to Indiana? Go on medical leave so that I will be available to help run to appointments and decipher medical lingo? Call every day to check in? I just don't know what I am supposed to do to be the "good daughter" in this scenario. So for now I am just muddling through. Anyone with a how to guide is welcome to suggest one.