need to vent

warning: I need to vent this - it is personal and is not directed at any one person, but the throng of people who seem to be using God for their own personal amusement - when you mess with a member of the bear's family, she has to swat you.

I take my faith very seriously. Don’t have any other choice since I depend on God and His providence to help me when I am overloaded. Let me tell you, when you are the only support – emotionally and financially – for three kids who depend on you, there are moments that the weight is unbelieveable. Yesterday was just such a day – the kitchen sink was broken, one child was sick and needed a doctor visit and antibiotics, another forgot his football pads and needed me to drive out to school to drop off the rest of his fees for football and advanced Jazz band, the dishes were as high as the Eiffel Tower because the sink and subsequently the dishwasher was out of commission, the rest of my belongings are boxes stacked precariously all over the house – awaiting a permanent resting place, the other house needs “thresh holds” and mums planted so I had to swing by and pick those up, the trash and the brush needed to be put out for collection today, there are about ten loads of laundry as a result of recieveing the remainder of our clothes from the Ogre, Jake had a stomach ache and a melt down before football when I wouldn't let him take canned diet pop in place of water, had to meet with the Ogre to exchange the cell phone and computer – he is still crazy and has decided that now he wants to be married to me – that is a whole other issue - the van still has a short and had to be taken over for repairs, and then there is work – this is my busy time and I have about two hundred charts at my desk waiting to be reviewed, I am trying to do the coordination for a big nutrition Wellness Promotion for my company, working on the Christmas party entertainment and then there is my actual work.

As I read the list, I think - HOLY CRAP - that is only one day – but by the end of the day, all but the actual meetings for my work groups was taken care of. That is not something I can do by myself – it is nothing short of divine intervention, keeping all of it straight and still managing to tuck my boys in and spend some time with my daughter talking about teenager stuff.

I don’t consider myself a prude – I have certainly tasted the sweetness of the apple tree – but it just irks me when people have this need to mock God – again because He is very real to me and He intervenes daily to keep my sane in this mess. There are just some things that should be sacred –even if you aren’t a believer, things like adultery and stealing don’t do good things for anyone’s life. It really isn’t funny that people go to Hell, isn’t funny that the gift of salvation is offered, but people refuse it – isn’t funny that people who have taken vows are tempted and fall into sins. Really miffs me that a person would feel like Hell is an option - It will piss me off if I get to Heaven and the people I love didn't have enough sense to be there, too.

This also hits a nerve for me because I have spent two years committed to someone who spent every day criticizing my faith -and I spent a lot of energy defending my faith. I spent the last two years VOLUNTARILY OBEYING the rules of the Church which said I couldn't receive communion if i was married outside the Church. I don’t go to church and call myself a believer because I have it together – I believe because I realize that it takes about half a second for me to choose the wrong path and that doing the wrong thing is ever so much easier. Church is not a hall for saints but a haven for sinners. I am tired of apologizing and explaining. We never know when the next breath will be our last - why gamble - why not live like this might be the last day you have - forgiving even though the person doesn't deserve it - saying I love you to the people who need to hear it and doing your best.

Bottom line is this: Once again God has blessed me - no other way to explain how I came across someone in Albuquerque, at just the right time in my life, when neither person was looking, and the deep need of everyone ( kids and grown-ups alike) involved was fulfilled – that doesn’t happen by accident or by Fate. What kind of fool bites the very hand that feeds us? Why piss off the benefactor of our good fortune and blessings? Just doesn’t make any sense to me.

Musings on Monday

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Sorry, Sweetheart, I just couldn't resist!!!


Another Day Apart

There comes a morning, a dawning realiziation, that all of a sudden every song on the radio is about the two of you. Songs about longing and being apart bring me close to tears; I can feel that pain because it is so close to my own. The times that I wake up wondering where he is have become less frequent - and though it was romantic - it was torturous to have that waking moment where I felt the pillows wondering why his ribs were so soft, only to come out of sleep and discover it was not him at all. There are times that I want the pain of separation to stop, but I am not willing to lose him, only willing to whine about it. I have moments where I want to talk to him about some little thing the kids have done or the puppies or whatever, and I am struck with the reality that he is not here. Impulsivity problem - thank God for unlimited nights and weekends! When Jake and I ran out for ice cream last week, Jake wanted to call and ask if we should swing by and pick him up. It took a second for the reality to sink in that it was not possible - hard to do that from here.

I will not apologize that I think in big terms. I do not spend my time and emotions on people and relationships for fun or entertainment. Single mothers worth their salt don't have that kind of luxury. If I didn’t think there was potential for the two of us, I wouldn’t insult either of us by pretending I did. There isn’t a point to having a long term relationship with a man you are in love with if you cannot ever see committing to him. I don't have any idea how that will play out, especially since there are jobs and houses and college and schools which all seem to be in the way at the moment. Not committing to anything would trivialize the miracle of finding someone you are compatible with who actually likes you back. The realization that suddenly all of your plans for the future include someone else can feel overwhelming. I don't even know where to start - back to the whole idea of where do we think we will live - where should Jerra look for colleges - do we stay here - do we go there - do we pick a new spot??? Lots of questions remain unanswered - and unasked. And yet, I would like nothing more than to make promises and gift to him a future of a family who loves him.

Hard to know when the time is right – don’t want to rush either of us – and getting used to having someone else standing beside you (and checking up on you when you are driving home late) takes time. I should by all accounts be scared out of my mind – even the thought of promising anything or opening myself up after last time seems incredible. But there is this quiet reassurance that this is different. That this is real and true …everything that is good in the world is contained in the moments that we are all together, here, at the lake, at the hotel, at the Yellow River Game Ranch. Doesn’t matter where. It is as though I have been at the frontline standing alone against enemy forces and all of a sudden I have reinforcements - leagues of reinforcement. I have been able to call on my girlfriends for moral support - but this is different. I feel stronger, braver and more assured than I have in ages. I feel like myself again –strengthened because there are two of us now. Tackling the daily dramas of raising three kids, five dogs, nineteen ducks, six fish, and two frogs doesn’t seem so difficult when I know that I have a secret stash – the love of someone who seems to understand; the blessing of someone who will say: hey, wait, listen to me, until my soul is calmed down and my head is cleared; the miracle of a kiss that soothes my doubts like a hot toddy on a winter day. I can only pray that I am a blessing to him in return - I would like nothing more than to know I make his life better by helping to carry his burdens.

So I will make it through another day apart, telling myself that we are preparing our lives, preparing our hearts, checking and cross-checking to assure that what we see is accurate, dreaming of a day when we can wake up together and no longer spend the days apart.

Restoration

Job 42:1
Then Job answered the LORD and said,
Job 42:2
"I know that You can do all things, And that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.
Job 42:3
'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?' "Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand, Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know."
Job 42:4
'Hear, now, and I will speak; I will ask You, and You instruct me.'
Job 42:5
"I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear; But now my eye sees You;

Job 42:10
The LORD restored the fortunes of Job when he prayed for his friends, and the LORD increased all that Job had twofold.

There are no words to express my deep graditude for this torment being over a week earlier that it was supposed to be. By Monday, the papers will be filed, signatures in place, and there is a new beginning. And after I sign that paper, I will never think of the Ogre again, but he will not be able to forget the family he has forsaken. I will live my life in a dance of thanksgiving to God who protected me, gave me a fair settlement, and will provide the best revenge - living well surrounded by people I love.

How to Know if your Ex is Demonically Possessed

During the final meeting to hash out all the details in the divorce, there was a discussion about extending the restraining order/no contact order for two years. Had to push for that since he has apparently lost his mind and feels that terrorizing a family is appropriate behavior. The conversation went something like this:

His lawyer, dictating: The No Contact order will be extended for two years as agreed by the parties and they shall have no contact with one another during this time.
Ogre interruption: Wait, no contact for two years? What if I need to talk to her? What if I need to call her or she needs something?
His lawyer: No contact. You can't call her, or talk to her.
My lawyer: That is kind of the whole point of getting divorced.
The Ogre: I think I still want to be married.

The room fell silent - both his lawyer and my lawyer were stunned into silence. In that moment, I suddenly saw the person I married - not the monster, but that person who was suddenly awakened into the realization that his marriage was ending. It was truly frightening to see.

My lawyer piped in: You will have to find someone else for that now.

Winds of War

The hair stands on the back of my neck
My instincts say there is evil on the wind
A force to be reckoned with
Scratching at the air, circling me like prey

I dare not speak of this out loud
But the entity has made it’s intention known
My prayers continue to rise
A plea that things will not end this way

I touch the souls I have for support
But how do you give words to this?
What can I ask of them
To give up their lives and offer protection?

I know it has prowled around my house
In and out of the sacred space where
I hold my children
Watching them as they peacefully dream of tomorrow

There will come a time of truth
When the evil will have to be confronted
And I gather my strength
Steeling my will for the fight that is coming

I circle back home, checking the locks
In the dark I check outside, assuring we are alone
Turning on sensors and lights
Knowing they are not really protection from evil

The day grows nearer, the tension palpable
He has miscalculated the power of my Deliverer
But I must survive the test of patience
That is asked of me; enduring the lies and assaults

On that day, I will do what is required
I will stand for the truth, stand for my children
If a violent end is required,
That too I will embrace as evil has chosen it’s course

Appearances

Sometimes it looks like in spite of my prayers, the Enemy is winning. He already tried to steal my dreams by destroying a marriage and trying to cause my family to live in fear of a man who is merely the shell of a human. When I watched Fallen last week, I could so clearly see the similarities in what has happened to Dan the Ogre. Creepy.

Over the weekend, I spent a lot of time talking to God and thanking him for a new start, from bringing Justin into our lives, for the personal growth that has occurred as a result of the disaster that was my life with the Ogre. I have felt pissed, confused, abandoned and now, exceptionally blessed.

Last night I returned from the lake only to find that two of my lawn chairs had been stolen from my front lawn - in plain site - and that several of my things had been taken out of the attic of the house next door - and were left on the porch without cover. Nothing like coming home late only to find you will have to carry furniture inside after you tuck your kids into bed. Again, we clamor for revenge, and again I reassure myself and the angry kids that God will take care of this for us and that in the end, the Ogre will pay.

Jerra was home sick today, and something told me that while I was out of the office, she should have a way to get me by phone. I called and let her know where I was. At 2:10 she called me crying to tell me that Dan had tried to get in the front door and when he found that locked, he went around to the back door and tried to get in. I bought special locks - the kind they have at hotels which latch on the inside. When I bought and installed them, Jerra said it "creeped her out" and she didn't like them. Today, they worked well. She said Dan ran from the yard as she came to the back door to see who was there, leaving the woman staring after him as he got in his car and drove off.

He had come with an appraiser, a woman who was told that Dan lived there. Of course, he does not. Jerra was friendly, asked for a moment and called the police to report the attempted break in. They sent an officer who interviewed the appraiser and then Jerra let the woman in to do her job - not sure how long she stayed or even if she was done, but God bless her, Jerra was polite.

I listen to radio preachers on the Moody Bible station - helps keep me focused on what is really important. The message at 11:30 today was this: I will not fear what men may do to me. My Lord can raise the dead, He heals the lame, He comforts the sorrowing, He promises that the lowly of this world will inherit His Kingdom. He is Truth and Life. He already saved me from strangulation, drove me home when I had no business behind the wheel, got me through colic and then brain surgery with Jacob, brought me and three kids a thousand miles away from anyone we knew, and He has blessed me in ways I cannot even put into words with the people who love me and surround me. I will not live in fear of the Ogre - demon that he is. The Enemy will not beat us - or make me afraid - or make me doubt. I only have eleven days left until this whole thing is decided and I can embark on my new life. I expect that it will be the toughest part.
It reminds me of the opening scene from The Passion, Satan lurks while Jesus considers his prospects and gathers strength. Then there is the look of Absolute Resolve, as He stands and decides to do what is right and what is asked of Him. In that moment, the power and determination shows through - would have scared me if I had been on the other end of that look. It is that same Deliverer who guards my house and protects my children and me. I will not fear what men may do to me.

When Love Walks Through the Door

First I want to vent a little bit. If a man goes to war and he is engaged in both peacetime work and ugly battles, he is considered a seasoned veteran. If he has been in a battle and lost, does he bear the entire responsibility – or are there other factors that play in over which he has no control? No sane person would blame the loss of a battle on one man, it takes a series of events for a battle or a war to be lost. Relationships are a similar circumstance, it seems to me. There are choices to be made, tasks to be delegated, people with important responsibilities, new territory to navigate, enemies, land mines, ambassadors, politics and plenty of people with opinions. This begs the question – is a person who has never been married better able to discern what a healthy relationship looks like – what about if they were married once, twice or three times? How many times a person has tried and failed is not nearly as important as whether there were lessons learned and skills sharpened. There are choices to be made – do you pick yourself up and learn from it – or do you stay in the same patterns? I have failed at three marriages – and each time I should never have been there in the first place, and I sold myself short – settling in some way for the bird in hand. I have friends and family who have encouraged me to trivialize what I have found by dating around. Newsflash - I have been dating since I was thirteen - it hasn't been working for me so far!!!

Here are the things I know:
1. Getting married because you are pregnant is not a good idea
2. Getting married because people expect you to is also bad
3. Staying away from relationships all together for 8 years is not a good idea
4. Thinking the opposite sex is the enemy, a source of entertainment, or a retirement program is wrong – never thought this, but I have girlfriends who do
5. Choosing a relationship because your kids need a dad – also wrong
6. Finding and losing someone you really love is incredibly painful and time won't make those feelings go away.
7. Time will tell a lot about a person’s character – so will a soggy camping trip
8. Settling leads to heartbreak and / or divorce
9. I cannot be in love enough for two people
10. I am secure about who and what I am, and I don’t have to agree with my friends
11. My friends and family love me and will always be overprotective because they do
12. I have to make up my own mind based on what I have learned and lived through

Geez – I knew a lot more than I thought I did.

I didn’t want to fall in love ever again. Had no intention – wasn’t looking. Actually, I had said I would not even entertain the idea. I didn’t pick him, Jacob did, grabbing him by the hand and walking into the stadium. When I sat by Justin that night, I thought he was someone else (had my stories confused with another of Steph’s friends). I didn’t mean to like him – then I couldn’t stop liking him. Even after I started talking to him on the phone, I kept trying to figure out where to put him, how to ignore the chemistry and keep him as a friend – what to do about the growing feeling like we were connected and drawn to each other – in spite of ourselves. I have said all along that it is probably funny to watch from the outside – two people who love each other but are fairly pissed about becoming so vulnerable so fast.

He spent the weekend at my house. It was the first time ever my home felt complete – first time I felt joy at having a man there, as opposed to the gnawing feeling in my gut like things will not be good enough. He said he loved me – and not like "I love cherry chocolate chip ice cream", like I love you for real. This is a big step for us both. I never have had so much trouble saying the words, but then again, I cannot remember when I meant it as completely as I do now.

I Wanna be a Bear

I wanna be a bear
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for
six months.
I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat
anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat
them too.
I could deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He
EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup..... I wanna be a bear. - Anonymous Author

Today's news included a story of a bear in Washington who drank 36 cans of Rainier pale ale and passed out in the park...and the bear MADE THE NEWS!!! Anyone else for being a bear???
http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/West/08/18/bear.beer.reut/index.html

Prochoska’s Stages of Change

There are times in our lives where things get shaken up – and the path takes a turn. Sometimes they are sudden, sometimes you can see it coming a mile away. I spend my days helping people make positive changes in thier lives - believing in them when they cannot believe in themselves.

Oddly enough, I had an in-service this morning on helping people make changes in their lives, and like all other health-related in-services, much of this applies to my own life. The important thing to evaluate where we are in the process of making changes and then use the appropriate resources/methods to make those changes. The stages are as follows:

1. Precontemplative – in this phase we believe we do not have an opportunity, or that something cannot happen to us, so we do not actively do anything in our lives to address the potential opportunity. In this phase, collecting information and assessing our potential is very important. The time frame for changing here is never, unless we get enough information that it motivates us to go to the next phase
2. Contemplative – in this phase we may see that an opportunity to better our lives does exist. Here is where we start to change our identity-view, deciding that there could be a different version of our lives. We are aware that an opportunity exists. More information is gathered as well as thinking about how others around us will be effected by the changes. Information about potential interventions (jobs, diets, medications, relationships, locations, etc) is gathered and evaluated. Change can come within the next six months from this phase
3. Preparation – In this phase, there are specific plans, based on the information gathered. Small changes are made on a trial basis before jumping into the full active plan. In this phase the best thing we can do for ourselves is to understand that change will feel uncomfortable and that we may try a small adjustment only to find we don’t like it. Trying something else is fine. Often times, this phase needs a time limit or a start date to keep the momentum focused.
4. Action – this phase includes active pursuit of the opportunity, making lifestyle changes that will accommodate the new identity and behaviors. There is a commitment to continue this behavior and see how things can turn out. Lapses are common and expected. To make a change permanent, it will take us about 6 months. Failure in this phase is often due to fear or wavering commitment to the opportunity. Keeping track of how this has improved your life or how much money is saved or earned can help. Having a support system to encourage you can also make a big difference on the days that it seems difficult.
5. Maintenance – after a change has been in place for 6 months, it becomes habit. The healthful behaviors have led to the ability to cope with lapses, negative emotions, and tempting environments. In this phase, support is important and continuing to commit and work at the change is imperative (to stave off false confidence)
6. Termination – in this phase the change has become fully integrated and there is no longer the temptation to wonder if you have made the right choice. This is not a goal everyone reaches, but it is possible if you have the belief in yourself and your abilities.

Girlfriends and 20/20 Hindsight

I have been blessed with some terrific girlfriends. I can count six who I know would come bail me out of jail if I needed them to - two of whom recently did! Though this is a blessing in most aspects, the close nature and long term of these relationships leaves me open to criticism that can really sting.

Last week when I was talking to one of my friends, she said that the new relationship I am in is foolish and that I am not good at relationships. Actually, she said that I suck at love and dating. Not sure if the end of that argument was that I should just be alone forever, or that I should just give up hope. This is the same friend who chided me two and a half years ago about being alone for 8 years and not taking a risk and dating again. Seems I just can’t get this right.

Anyway, this gave me food for thought as I looked for the grain of truth in what she said. She is someone I love and trust and her opinion really matters to me. So I introduced her to the amazing man I have found. I couldn’t answer the question as to why with all the women in the world he would choose me – or why he is willing to risk it with someone who has been to the rodeo before – and been unsuccessful there. I can't explain why this is different, except that I am happy, I am myself, I can't stop feeling great about my new life, I want to write again and I feel like I have found a piece of my family that was missing. I called twice now seeking her observations and her opinion – especially since she also says she knew the last marriage was doomed the day I got married (would have been useful before I walked the aisle).

I love my friends, but it irritates me to no end that I brought a man who was talking about marrying me to them, asked for their opinion and they DIDN”T TELL ME THE TRUTH!!! Why else would I bring him? If I come asking for your opinion – I want the truth not what you think I want to hear. And thank you for telling me ten times that you knew I shouldn’t have gotten married last time – if I had believed any of my friends shouldn’t have gotten married to their husbands, I sure as HELL would have said so – instead of letting them live through the nightmare that has been my life for almost two years.

I have a hundred reasons to run like mad. But I have one reason to stay. God doesn’t break His promises. He promised that He has plans to prosper me, not to harm me. He promised to be a father to the fatherless and a husband to the widow. He promised to listen to our prayers and answer them in His Time, even if the answer was no. He promised that if I have faith and hope and love that everything will work together for good – even things that are horrible. Bottom line is that He likes restoration – He likes to reward faith with blessing to make a point to all those people who are not sure God still takes an active part in people’s lives anymore.

So still I wait to hear from her, hoping for insight before hindsight.