Green Chile Therapy

Sitting last night on the heated porch of a restaurant in Bernalillo
The mesquite fire heating the air with a scent so delicious
The room felt like heaven with a bonfire and twinkling lights

Tequilla enriched margrita bothe salty and sweet
And the moon peaking through the cottonwood trees
My friends beside me, basking in their love dreamy-eyed

Fresh guacamole arrives with chunks of avacado, the color of spring
Red Chile encrusted ribs and savory green chile queso
Follow suit on a plate decorated with red and blue chips

The smell is intoxicating, taking me back to the Reservation
To a time when I was myself nearly all the time
No pretense, no worrying about what people think, peaceful

I think it is the mesquite smoke - which wafted from the nearby trailers
when the weather was cold and snow hung threatening in the air
That reminds me of mornings drinking coffee with my friends

Marveling at the intricacies of our lives

I feel better - finally - and realize that I have fallen
Back into my own trap, of holding in what I feel
Of suffering silently - of not asking enough of my family

I slept 10 hours Friday night - and aybe I'll get another 10 tonight
But more importantly, I have peace in my soul and
A plan to get my life back on track, following my instincts

I am going to away...

This afternoon Justin will drive me to the airport - where I will fly back to my other home out west - back to Albuquerque and mesas and sage and rabbit brush.

But most importantly, I'll get to see my girl Steph, her sweet husband Mark and the new bambini, Garnet. I still have baby-fever, though just a touch, and I can hardly wait to see them.

Just knowing that I will have a few days in the company of people I love - without my normal household chores -has covered me in a feeling of peace that I have lacked over the past couple of months. I hope to get to see a couple of my girlfriends, though so far it doesn't look like they will be able to make the trip out from Tsaile.

I never really thought about how blessed I am - I delivered all three kids without much trouble. Jake was a big guy - 10 1/2 pounds, but after a bit of oxygen, he did just fine. I did gain about 80 pounds after Jake was born, but had easy deliveries.

Steph has really struggled - and like a good mama, she took good care of her baby, preventing macrosomia ( ginormous baby in laymans terms) by diligently taking insulin multiple times a day. Then there was an emergency c-section and meconium staining despite her efforts. Several days of NICU later, Garnet is home and healthy and safe.

And though I never had that beautiful moment where I handed my baby over to the proud daddy and he said something sweet - like honey that was the most beautiful thing - or thank you for our baby - I do have the blessing of three happy and healthy kids - and now a man at home who loves them. And a person can scarcely ask for more of a blessing than that.

Wouldn't you like to be a quacker, too?

Justin took this shot a couple of weeks ago - I thought it was really beautiful - these are our ducks, several varieties of Indian Runners. The black ones are jsut starting to get their green highlighted feathers, and you can see the lovely tawny color of the chocolate hen in the very front. They are in their nighttime enclosure which has poultry wire across the top to keep out racoons and possums while they are sleeping.

Then in the background on the left, you can see Fred (or is that George) getting a drink - his fanny is right under the crossbar and Matilda is keeping watch, tongue lolling out, there at the door a kind of dogshaped grey mass.

A Day to Remember

Once upon a time there was a sneak attack on the US - oh wait, it has happened more than once. Each time we think it will never happen again, and yet it does. Today we remember those lost in Pearl Harbor and the 900+ men who were never found on that awful day.

Sometimes life throws us a sneak attack - sends us things we weren't prepared for - didn't expect and then, well, here we are.

Today is also my brother, Davey's birthday. And the whole idea of a sneak attack seems to relate.

He lives with Bipolar Disorder, a chemical imbalance that causes him to question most of his thought processes, his decisions and continue to live a life that has been disjointed at best. The demons of this imbalance attack without warning. One can be feeling well - then that feeling zooms ahead into mania - and the feelings of invincibilty cloud judgment. On the way back down, the body fails to stop at normal and spirals headlong into depression which cripples the ability to see any hope for the future - any point in trying again. This constant up and down cycle is exhausting at best - and for some people - it drains the very life from them.

When I was in Nursing school I worked at Wishard in downtown Indianapolis. People came right from the bus station to our Psych ICU unit and I saw all manner of things that mental illness can to do people. We used to joke that it was a good job because our return patients all came back loopy, but not dying. There were the blessings of clouded memories for people as the medications started to work and their brains returned to normal function. But my favorite folks were always those who were bipolar. Brilliant minds, racing thoughts - they were fun to work with, but the depression was just heartbreaking. We went to NAMI meetings to show our support and be with families trying to cope with something intangible.

Each day these folks, like my brother, struggle through. Sometimes it requires several medications to find not that works. Often times it requires therapy to learn how to cope with the mood swings. More importantly, it requires us to recognize that folks dealing with mental illness get up every day and deal with demons far worse than just a need for a cup of coffee. It takes courage to get through another day - it takes persistence to even dream of a better life - and it takes the wisdom to see hope and joy in the little things that go well.

So on Pearl Harbor day - I salute those of you who live through sneak attacks, and pause to remember those who were not able to make it through.

What are you some kind of rescue for wayward goats?

Well, as a matter of fact, I guess we are.

I have an ad in the agricultural newspaper that circulates throughout the state. I decided after losing the baby goats that I needed to do something a bit more altruistic with our land, and offered our number to anyone who had an animal in need of rescue. So far we have added two bunnies whose owner never came back for them, and received a call about three Nubian does who may be coming this weekend and a sick bunny - that we are still contemplating. On Saturday I got a call from a gal who adopted a baby goat - who now thinks he is a dog - and her husband is tired of the goat. She is afraid that he might end up going to a home where they would use him for food and since he is leash trained and very tame, she thought that would be a shame.

So last night it was freezing out - and had rained all day - but we made the 45 minute trip up to see her.

First thing, Chewie decided to stand on his rear legs and greet us, nipping at Justin's jeans looking for food. We knew he would be a good match. Lisa's daughter was heartbroken about giving the little guy away - so we told her to come visit anytime. She went inside before we left.

An hour and a half - and a pizza and hotwings later, this was the scene in my kitchen:



Chewie slept inside in a kennel - something he was not thrilled about. As I type this, Justin is introducing him to the other wethers in the yard. He was good therapy and I hope that he will help teach the other goats to be a bit more tame.

To compliment my fowl mood

Courtesy of Magz

GGGGRRRRRRR

For two nights in a row I have been awake at 4am
My house looks like an atom bomb went off
I had to deal with two grumpy sleep-deprived males this weekend
I spent my entire day Saturday and Sunday working and my body is sore
I need a nap and a vacation - instead I am booked up with patients all day.
I have a friend who isn't playing fair and keeps making little comments about other people's shortcomings while being totally incapable of seeing their own.
One phrase - work first, play later - why the hell don't people understand the importance of this?
I don't like feeling like this - sleep deprivation has taken over and I am hibernating for the day.

Winterizing

We have spent the past couple of weekends trying to get the house ready for winter - and just in time. The temps are steadily in the 30s now overnight - and it is a bit chilly in the air ( though this morning we were awakened to a thunderstorm - and it was only about 40 degrees out - weird.)

Anyway - there have been about 14 of the last 18 years where I was a single mom - just me and kids - and when that happens and you are a loner, you learn to fix stuff on your own.

So we have built a rabbit hutch, installed weather stripping, installed a new light,new ceiling fan in the kitchen, installed a heating duct into our floor - though the rest of the flooring still needs to be replaced from old water damage, installed a flapper in the toilet, and the coolest thing - pardon the pun - is the automatic thermostat. A new ceiling fan wiht a light awaits me - actually it is still out in teh van waiting for someone to carry it in.

I read Mother Earth News - unabashedly - and we went down the list of things we could do to save money over the winter - turn down the water heater, install weather stripping, put plastic over windows, open the shades on the windows that get sun during the day and get an automatic thermostat to save on heating during the day when the house is mostly empty - or at least all the inhabitants have either fur or feathers. The programming was a bit lengthy - but is seems like it is working well.

I have been cold nearly every day when i come home - and hate to crank hte heat up to 70 just to warm up. I hope this will help - the house was very obviously not built by people who have lived through week after week of freezing weather - only one door had weather stripping and there was no insulation over our bedroom at all. I was hoping to put another roll in the attic, but that will have to wait.

In other news, I am going to get to see Steph and baby Garnet next weekend - flying out on Thursday and staying through Sunday afternoon - and I am looking forward to a much needed break.

No one has called about the stray puppy - but we have two people interested in taking him home - he is a cute guy - but a whirling dirvish in the house.

Now I am off to fold laundry...

a Blast from the Past

Sometimes we make an indelible mark on another person's heart. A very long time ago I actually had a good boyfriend. He had a beautiful voice and a kind heart and was genuinely good to me. He took me to my junior prom- and we had a blast. I used to go to his family place by the lake to collect my thoughts in college - though retrospectively, I probably should have gone more often because I didn't do so hot in college. Somehow things got muddled and it didn't work out, though a couple of times over the years I talked to his folks to see how he was doing. He has always held a special place in my heart because even when things were not great between us, he remained a gentleman. I haven't talked to him since I got pregnant with Bear.

He called my dad a couple of days ago and got my e-mail address just because I was on his mind - how sweet is that?. I got pictures of him and pictures of his kids. Time has been much kinder to him than me, but living happily has it's perks. Same lineman build, same piercing blue eyes - that looking at the picture reminds me that Jake's are almost the same color. It is so wonderful to get to catch up - and even nicer to be able to say that I am happily married and things are finally going so well.

Isn't it just lovely when you get to see old friends...

Opinion Poll

Here are the facts:
Bears father was court ordered to pay me $32 a week in child support, back in 1988.
I have never requested an increase in this amount, even though every year the prosecutor's office allows me to do that.
He has only paid towards this debt when the courts seized his tax check
He has not provided one minute of child care, never come to visit, never sent a birthday or Christmas card.

He owes me close to 30,000 in back support - 17 years times $32 per week.
The prosecutor sent me a letter asking if I woudl accept a lump payment of $15,000 to pay off the debt.

More opinionated facts: I don't think he can get a loan for 15 grand to start with, and I know he is gainfuly employed because they are sending me his tax refund.

So here is the poll - what would you do? Take the settlement - demand more money - take him back to court - something else? Leave me a comment, please.