When I was in the 8th grade, my mom helped with the choreography for South Pacific. I fell in love for the very first time. The sets, the music, the romance, the comedy- and I wanted to be Nellie Forbush. I have seen this movie dozens of times and the play about 10 more- I have the actual vinyl record with all the songs and know most all of the words to every song - love love love this show. Sometimes I actually am that Cockeyed Optimist, immature and incurably green.... But that is not really our topic for tonight- it is refocusing.
A wise person made a comment that perhaps I should consider letting my situation with a particular man just work itself out - that letting it alone might be the best thing. I wasn't really open to that and then the most wonderful thing happened. Three nights ago, I was reading a blog post on the LifeTeen website written by a single girl. She mentioned that when we are single, we can get so tied up in wondering when our love will come along and we can live our "happily ever after" that we miss the real point of that time alone: to spend it seeking the will of God - to determine our impact on the world, to do His work. No one can have two masters- and a woman who is married has her husband as the primary focus of her heart, conversely, a woman who is not married can have God as her primary focus. She can keep trying to fill that void by finding someone, or she can go about what He has asked her to do and when it is time for her to have a partner, he'll show up.
I had a huge revelation about my previous romantic involvements about a week ago, and it wasn't pretty. Figuring out the role you play in a trainwreck never is- but it was enlightening and I have chosen to learn from it and not repeat it. (it is about flipping time that I figured this out as it has vexed me for a very long time) I always tell my kids that you shouldn't be an ass just because you can- and I think I am finally heeding my own advice.
Other than keeping the man in question as my friend on FB, I have cut all other ties to trying to find someone and I have resolved not to initiate any communication with him at all. I dropped off eHarmony - deleted my profile, deleted any status that indicated I was single or looking, and have removed myself from all internet- dating related sites.
I'm gonna wash that man right outa my hair....thats What Nellie Would Do.
Listen, either I believe that God loves me and that He is able to create the heavens and certainly is the only One who knows where my partner might be- or I don't. If I ask for rain and don't bring an umbrella, what kind of faith is that? Well, it isn't- it is just words that don't mean a hill of beans.
So here I go - out on a ledge- looking over the precipice and deciding to let Someone else guide my steps ( for someone who is used to being independent, this is a BIG precipice). He has something that I need to do- so many opportunities keep presenting themselves and we keep getting asked weekend after weekend to give our time to someone- too many occurences to be a coincidence- has to be more than that.
I have gone back to reading Valtorte- right now I am reading the 5th book which is the Passion and Death. I am laser focused on my work and my kids and my life, trying to figure out exactly where God wants me to be next - and I feel FREE!!!!!!!
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