Season of Goodbye

This has been a week of goodbyes and it is never my favorite thing - even when it is necessary.

I said goodbye to the hope of a life without epilepsy for my son - and have embraced the reality of his future. I'm still a bit sad about this - in so far as I would like a brighter outlook for him.  But, he has a great attitude and a good heart and he should do well regardless of what is put before him.  There is the still, small hope that he might outgrow this when his growth spurt stops - and I am also considering taking him to Medjugorjia- but for now, where we are is where we are.

I said goodbye to our dog, Angus.  He hopped the fence last week when we left for Cleveland and by the time I got to the pound to pick him up ( the kids didn't have any cash to go get him) he had been adopted by another family.  Again, bittersweet because he has hopped this fence and gotten picked up about a dozen times in the past two years. It has become a real stressor for us- dropping whatever we are doing and going off to chase the dog - so ultimately it is probably a blessing - but I loved him and now he's gone.

Lastly, I said goodbye to being the Savior of this whole household.  I am in a bad spot with my older kids that is entirely of my own making, having allowed them to continually stay here without working or being enrolled in school.  I have found myself becoming my father this week.  Honestly, I wish I could be more like him- he didn't take any of my crap and as a result, I have been a hardworker - something that has absolutely saved my rear.  Every morning I am rousting people from their beds - reminding them that they need to get out and go look for work.  Yesterday I even had to confront my daughter about her school work - which is supposed to be self-study now- only she isn't doing it at all. My brother has already found and lost one job - and now has found another one in the 3 months he has been here - I just don't get why the kids are having such a hard time. They have been looking online - during a recession no less - and haven't found anything.  Really? I'm almost shocked.  They have to get moving and get on with their lives. 

There is a deadline - by the end of the month and going forward, they all have to pay me rent to stay here - well everyone over 18 does. I can't keep paying for everything except cigarettes any longer - Jake and I should be living like Kings on the income I make- but when you add in all the other people who need gas and groceries and car insurance and cell phones - the money gets stretched a lot tighter.  And that isn't fair to Jake.

My biggest fear in this season of goodbyes is that I will have to actually kick out my own kids.  But if I am truly Dave Loner's daughter - that is exactly what I will have to do so that they can learn the consequence of their actions - and it is not a nice consequence.

The nice thing about goodbyes is that they are a part of the neverending cycle of life.  This is one of my favorite things about God- something the Navajo understand so very well. Our lives and what we should expect play out in the natural world around us and give us a clear picture of how things work . We have summer where everything is lush and growing - then things start to cool and die off and we have to say goodbye.  Then the winter comes and we rest and rejuvenate and grow fat and happy, just in time for spring and saying hello all over again.