The Long Kiss Goodnight

I started writing this blog over 6 years ago because I was overwhelmed by the possibility that after 3 shitty husbands that there was actually a man who said that I deserved to be treated with care - that I deserved someone to love me. That was what re-ignited the flames for me - got me writing again, gave me hope again. I had a once in a lifetime love my senior year - and I pissed it away like a fool - and everyone after that was settling - until Justin.

He talked to me every night and it was his voice that I heard before I fell asleep. When I needed somewhere safe to take my kids, it was his house I came to. I trusted him - I believed in him - I wanted him to be the knight in shining armor that I had been waiting for. He got me- understood, mostly, that my intentions were good- that I was trying to do the right thing, that I get my feelings hurt so easily. He needed someone to love him through the things he was struggling with and to help him become the person he wanted to be. I thought at last my love had come along. It was us against the world and it felt amazing, we remarked how very lucky we were to have this happy life while laying around on a Sunday afternoon listening to the birds in the backyard.

Then real life set in, and one thing led to another thing which led to arguing and a lack of trust and failures on both our parts and the subsequent 6 years that we have tortured each other by trying to make a relationship work that is just hasn't worked. It has been better since we are living in different houses. This whole thing would be much easier if I didn't love him - really love him - still. Each time we talk or see each other I am reminded of why I fell in love with him in the first place- absence making the heart grow fonder.

I have been so amazed at the transformation he has gone through in the past 6 years, becoming the man I think he wants to be. But his friends are not my friends anymore - and he doesn't run in the same motherly circles that I run in-he doesn't have 7 people at home relying on him- he has only himself.

Last night, Jake and I went to his play, and it was wonderful. He was in his element and I was thoroughly enjoying it. Until I looked down and he was wearing the wedding ring I bought him.
I choked up
and I couldn't stop watching the flash of that diamond as his hand moved
and I kept thinking about the actress playing his wife, wondering if I was that big a jerk when I was his wife. God, I truly hope not.

He walked us around backstage and introduced us to the actors, several of whom commented that they felt like they knew us from Justin's stories. They were kind to me- so they must have been decent stories. I left feeling sad that things for us hadn't worked out - like I do most every time I see him.

He said that we should have just dated forever and not bothered with getting married- and I think because I have heard it so very many times, I was starting to believe that.

Until today.

They say the longest distance is from your head to your heart- this is soooo true. My head decided $5000.00 and two years ago that I just couldn't continue to stay married to Justin and that the relationship was hurting everyone. But apparently my heart didn't get the memo.

I logged in to see some of his production pictures, and there was the update that he is in a relationship.

Seriously, I am not a total idiot, I knew he was dating- and know that I had been dating- but seeing the concrete reality of it hit me in the chest like a 50 pound weight.

I hadn't expected to have any kind of reaction - I've even said that I hoped he was open to finding someone- but I was still ....what....a selfish jerk who isn't happy for him.....surprised.....hoping things would be different during round 17 of trying to date again....delusional.... yeeesh, I don't know. I hadn't given thought to the idea of him sitting across the table from me with someone else as the woman he loved- and now that I have, I don't like it very much, but I realize that this is the reality I face.

But I believe this may be the final part of getting myself healthy. I have been hanging on to the idea that maybe we would work it out after all the kids move away, hoping that he would just wait and that we would both continue growing into the people we are meant to be. He is the person I call when I don't know who else to call - one of my very best friends.

But now, he is in love with someone else and my time in his heart is over - it is not an abstract concept, it is a reality.
All attempts at controlling my love life by finding someone myself have been shut off: no more online dating, no more reaching back to talk to old loves, no more looking.

I am totally reliant upon God to provide a partner for me when the time is right. I have jumped off the edge and my safety net has a new girlfriend, so he isn't going to come after me.

I don't know that I am looking for sympathy - more than anything I hoped that by writing this all down it would make sense to me and that it would serve as a memo to my heart. There is hope. If Justin could break through those walls, maybe there is someone else who will as well.

It has been a long kiss goodbye, my love, but this is finally goodbye.

Season of Goodbye

This has been a week of goodbyes and it is never my favorite thing - even when it is necessary.

I said goodbye to the hope of a life without epilepsy for my son - and have embraced the reality of his future. I'm still a bit sad about this - in so far as I would like a brighter outlook for him.  But, he has a great attitude and a good heart and he should do well regardless of what is put before him.  There is the still, small hope that he might outgrow this when his growth spurt stops - and I am also considering taking him to Medjugorjia- but for now, where we are is where we are.

I said goodbye to our dog, Angus.  He hopped the fence last week when we left for Cleveland and by the time I got to the pound to pick him up ( the kids didn't have any cash to go get him) he had been adopted by another family.  Again, bittersweet because he has hopped this fence and gotten picked up about a dozen times in the past two years. It has become a real stressor for us- dropping whatever we are doing and going off to chase the dog - so ultimately it is probably a blessing - but I loved him and now he's gone.

Lastly, I said goodbye to being the Savior of this whole household.  I am in a bad spot with my older kids that is entirely of my own making, having allowed them to continually stay here without working or being enrolled in school.  I have found myself becoming my father this week.  Honestly, I wish I could be more like him- he didn't take any of my crap and as a result, I have been a hardworker - something that has absolutely saved my rear.  Every morning I am rousting people from their beds - reminding them that they need to get out and go look for work.  Yesterday I even had to confront my daughter about her school work - which is supposed to be self-study now- only she isn't doing it at all. My brother has already found and lost one job - and now has found another one in the 3 months he has been here - I just don't get why the kids are having such a hard time. They have been looking online - during a recession no less - and haven't found anything.  Really? I'm almost shocked.  They have to get moving and get on with their lives. 

There is a deadline - by the end of the month and going forward, they all have to pay me rent to stay here - well everyone over 18 does. I can't keep paying for everything except cigarettes any longer - Jake and I should be living like Kings on the income I make- but when you add in all the other people who need gas and groceries and car insurance and cell phones - the money gets stretched a lot tighter.  And that isn't fair to Jake.

My biggest fear in this season of goodbyes is that I will have to actually kick out my own kids.  But if I am truly Dave Loner's daughter - that is exactly what I will have to do so that they can learn the consequence of their actions - and it is not a nice consequence.

The nice thing about goodbyes is that they are a part of the neverending cycle of life.  This is one of my favorite things about God- something the Navajo understand so very well. Our lives and what we should expect play out in the natural world around us and give us a clear picture of how things work . We have summer where everything is lush and growing - then things start to cool and die off and we have to say goodbye.  Then the winter comes and we rest and rejuvenate and grow fat and happy, just in time for spring and saying hello all over again.