The Taskpad

My dad was notorious for his lists - taskpads that were posted all over to remind him - to keep him organized - to help him focus. He spent his life taking care of us - making sure things were done - and I have this feeling that he is still doing just that.

It was only moments after my dad breathed his last that things started changing.

I have believed for a long time that he had paid any semblance of a price with all the days of pain and the grace with which he accepted his lot in life - so that when I was time for him to go, I think he went straight there.

Over Father's Day weekend, we took my daughter's boyfriend with us. When we were leaving he told them goodbye and that it was probably the last time they would see him. The boyfriend acted as though this was an important trip for him to accompany us on - and frankly, I thought he was going to ask my dad's permission to marry her. That didn't happen - but Dad seemed to like this guy and we thought he had potential. It was within the first half hour after Dad died that she found out he had been sleeping with an old girlfriend. The coincicence had been lost until we were talking about it last night. I reminded her that my dad had assumed the responsibility to be her guardian from her first days - and that I can't imagine he would give up that role after death. Her face grew pale as she realized that her revelation into who this man really was came moments after Dad was able to see who he really was as well.

That same influence has come over Josh as well - a quiet reassurance - a realization that who he is at 16 is a foundation for the man he will be some day. He was named after his grandfather - and has that same quick wit and intelligence that Dad had. His eulogy was beautiful - and his realization that a man can live a great life without ever getting accolades for it - seems to be shifting his attitude back to the person I have always known.

After the first week we were back, things for Jake have improved dramatically at school. Several issues resolved themselves and he has some buddies to hang out with at lunch. This is a way bigger deal than it looks just typed out.

I find that Mass is more precious - though I don't think I am at a point where I honor my Dad's memory very well yet. I still have moments where I feel sad - where the tears come - where I don't have a good reason behind how I am feeling. I find that I am short tempered with my husband - and that at times I am more inclined to remind my family that they don't have the luxury of falling apart - and that they need to get their stuff together. But I call my mother, I try to keep my family intact and fed and clothed - and I am trying to help those patients I can reach. Guess that is all I can do - but it doesn't seem like much most days.


I was reading today about my friend Dale, and the lady who has entered his life after a long stretch of being alone - not sure if Dad had anything to do with that, but I'd like to think he went to bat for Dale and asked God to cut him some slack - we aren't designed to be alone, you know.

when someone shows you who they really are, you should believe them.

Hey Paul

So the last week or so I have been all about doing projects - trying to keep my hands busy so that my head and heart don't hurt. So last night, since there was no football practice, Jake and I took to the woods to clear out some of the damage from the fall storms.



One of these wind burst knocked a tree branch down and it shattered my windshield.

I wasn't in it - so perhaps my guardian angel has some help these days. True or not, it makes me feel better to think that my dad is watching out for us. Now if he could have gotten the windshield replaced for free - instead of couple of hundred dollars I had to spend to replace it - but that is another story.



Anyway - our house is bordered by about an acre and a half of old stand pine forest - which hasn't been cleaned out for years before we moved there. We have three major piles now of pine tree segments = you know 8 to 16 foot segments - piled up so that at some point we can make furniture - or a house - or a split rail fence - something other than mulch with all these trees. As I was walking around tossing more trees on the pile, I realized there were a lot of dead pine trees still standing. Roots no longer attached really - and in several spots, leaning against the tree next to them. Not a big deal unless you are talking about a 20-30 foot tree - and we are. Visions of kids running through the woods and being smushed by those trees as they tipped over at a most in opportune moment whirred through my head.



So I did what any Loner would do - I knocked them over. With my shoulders. Until my arms were scratched up and there were no dead pine trees standing.



I'm not sure if that makes me Paul bunyon.... or Babe the Blue Ox.

well, did you think I fell off the Earth - me too.

First I must publicly thank Jerry and Nora for coming to my dad's viewing. They figured it wasn't that far to drive up to Logansport - and on that not so great day it was good to see a familiar face. Funnier still when Nora's dad realized that he knew a bunch of my dad's family - funny how folks are in small towns. It was so kind of you two to come - thanks.

Thanks also to those of you who sent me a note - the first weeks have been spent in typical form - working until I pass out. You see I have discovered that if it really stings - and you need to clear your head - hard work keeps the adrenaline flowing - and keeps your mind to busy to feel sad.

There have been a couple of revelations, though so this begins the writing again. Hopefully I won't bore you to tears!

I realized about a week ago that my dad now knows what happened to the Pinto. Have I not told you that infamous story - well kiddos - here goes - but it need a little preface. For any of you who do not know me in person, I am not a bitty girl - I do everything big - I don't walk quietly - and I talk really loud - though not intentionally. So - here goes.

I learned to drive in a 1973 Ford Pinto with manual transmission. Going to high school at Cathedral, my dad wanted to make sure I could get up that hill okay in the manual - so we drove up and down that thing - stopping midway - just letting up on the clutch a little and killing the car about a million times - until I got that thing to work. Then and only then would my daddy let me drive it to school. I loved that car and drove the tar out of it.

One afternoon, though, I came home, parked the car and when I went to put the gearshift into neutral position - the whole gearshift fell off. Just tipped over. I was stunned.
So I did what any daddy's girl would do - I interrupted himin the office and told him that the gear shift fell off and that I didn't do anything to it.

This resulted in about 15 minutes worth of debate and my wounded pride refused to admit that I had done anything - though as an adult I can see that I must have just worn the poor thing out by shoving it into the gears - but I still contend that I didn't do anything.

Years later every time we would talk about Heaven I would tell him that someday when he got there he would know I really didn't do anything to that gearshift in the Pinto.

Two weekends ago, I was driving my brother in laws pickup - a stickshift - and the top of the gearshift popped off. And I started laughing - a good deep belly laugh - followed by the always near to the surface tears - and I thought just how funny it was that now he knows I didn't do anything to the Pinto when the gearshift fell off.

Heavy Hearts and Joyful Spirits

It is with a heavy heart that I tell you of the passing of my father, Dave Loner, on this past Sunday. As was his way, he waited until Mom and Davey had gone to run an errand, he bathed, dried his hair then laid down and died peacefully. No fuss. No drama just him - and Him in the final moments.
We are with my mom now, helping in the little ways that we can, to get ready for the funeral on Thursday. It feels good to be here - and yet -it is so terribly sad.
And there is no question that he was ready - that he was tired of the pain and the battle and that he knew without question Who waited for him on the other side of that pain. There is more to write, but since only two hours of sleep have blessed me since I got the news last night, and a 12 hour car ride with three kids has added to my fatigue, I'll wait and write that another day.
God Bless.

If you pray for Rain, bring an umbrella

If you have a minute, say a prayer for us - not for vindication, but for the temperence of justice and mercy. We have court this morning, and I can't do anything but hope for an opportunity to sort things out.


Psalm 130
Out of the depths of my despair, I cry to you O Lord
O Lord, hear my voice
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy
If you, O lord, kept a record os sins,
O Lord who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in His word, I place my hope

My soul waits for the lord
more than watchmen wait for morning

Put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with Him is full redemption.

This could be the end

This morning I had a bit of time before I had to go see patients, so I was trying to get things better under control at home. You see, I spent two weeks in LA in training, came home for a week and promptly spent 70 of those hours working - then went back out to Palm Springs for a National Sales Meeting. Cue home again - working a 60 hour week - then driving up to see my folks for Father's Day weekend.

Don't get me wrong, I love the new job and my hope is that 6 months down the line, when the field has been plowed and all the seeds have been planted, I will have more time to do those things I want to do homebound. But right now, my house looks definitely unmothered and this morning I realized that the grocery situation had reached a level of desparation that had to be attended to -

So I went to Wally world and filled up my cart - after checking my work e-mail for fires of course. Josh had a couple of friends stay over, so I got the brilliant idea to make some cinnamon rolls - yes, the kind you just unroll and pop on a pan - it was a moment of weakness.

So I baked the cinnamony goodness one pan while I was putting away the groceries, and then I popped in the second pan. Just then I looked up and discovered that every goat we have - save Harry - was outside of our fence - including Mary and John, who are only a couple of weeks old.
So I went out, shored up the fence after telling those rascals to climb their little butts back under the fence. That task completed, I came back in - washed my hands like I was off to perform surgery and got back to breakfast.

I iced the first set of rolls, washed the grapes, set out plates, then went off to take a shower.

In the midst of the conditioner cycle, Angus started barking. I don't know if I've told you about Angus yet. You may remember Koda and Miley - my two beautful Pyreneese/Newfoundlan cross pups. Well, Koda got sick - and then sicker and while I was away at my first set of training, he died. Heartbroken doesn't even begin to describe it. When I came home, I found a gal with a pure pred Pyreneese - same temperment, different face - and his name is Angus. He is all about pleasing the family - and takes it quite personally if you have a cross word for him. He is 4 months old now.

Anyway - I had to rinse and get dressed. I entered the kitchen to find 3 dogs on my kitchen table, neatly polishing off those cinnamon rolls. "You get out of here! and a moment later then were back outside. Angus was waiting at the base of the table for them to get out, then he looked up at me, wagged his tail and went back to lay down.

On the way up the mountains, there was a logging truck which had lost a part of it's load - delaying me 40 minutes - but I was rewarded at the doctors office when she asked about a patient and I could tell her I had already talked to her - nice.

During pump training I parked my car in the shade and left the moon roof open - to keep the inside from boiling. When I returned, there was a cat inside, rifling around in my empty pistachio container- who looked just like Kitten Bob. It was not, though, and after a couple of seconds of trying to figure out how to get out of this car - he rushed past me.

Just a weird day...

Week Two of the New Job

Let me first say that working from home is fantastic. I love being able to work on home stuff - like folding laundry, while listening to a telecast. It has forced us to clean out the carport, remove the linoleum from the sunroom - and make it into an office, and fold a huge mountain of laundry and sort things in our room - so that we can use what we have. I love it.

I have been all over my territory these last two weeks - I was in the mountains yesterday and will be out by fancypants lake later today for training, after I join the nurses at BIG UNIVERSITY hospital for lunch. I feel like I am spending a lot of time in the car - and that my phone may in fact have grown attached to my ear!

I am putting in a LOT of 15 hour days right now - and I am actually looking forward to training in LA so that I can get a little break.

In other news, I will be seeing both of my cousins that weekend - and it should be great fun - makes the whole trip worthwhile!

I will get caught up on what's happening with the rest of the world, just as soon as I get these dishes done.

Happy Earth Day - a little early

Justin and I are going on a retreat this weekend - a Marriage Encounter to be exact - so I wanted to leave you with a little food for thought early on Earth Day.

Now what kind of a granola head would I be without saying something about Earth Day?

Yahoo! has a great site here with lots of links and information about what a person can do to get started.

You see, it isn't all about being a tree hugger - it is about personal responsibility and making sure we don't make such a big mess that our kids can't clean it up.
We buy as many things that are minimally processed as possible. We buy local produce if we can - and cage free eggs - organic creamer - we use Shaklee cleaners whenever possible - or orange oil - and Burt's Bees reigns in the bathroom.

As an aside, if you spend time outdoors, they have a carrott oil spray that feel FANTASTIC on your skin.

We use the more expensive energy saving light bulbs - which cost more up front, but have lowered our energy bills significantly. Even the flood lights are the compact kind.

When our water heater goes kaput - we are looking at buying one that is tankless - or at least uses some solar heating - we live the the South and have so many warm days that it seems silly to use energy to heat the water when the sun is already working hard to heat everything else!
Our dishwasher and washing machine use a gray water system - which means that teh water goes back into the yard so that the water isn't wasted - or sent to a wastewater treatment plant where energy and chemicals are used to clean the water.

We put up bubble wrap which came around things from Amazon - to help insulate the windows in the winter.

We throw anything organic that we can into the compost pile - and we reuse all the glass jars and try to buy things with minimal packaging.

When we looked at buying cars we paid attention to mileage and fule efficiency - not only for cost - but to assure that we didn't contribute any more than necessary to the fossil fuel problem. With my new job there will be travel - and there is a good possibility I may choose a hybrid as my next car - if I can afford it. But in the mean time, I get my oil changed and try to keep my tires filled to make sure the present cars are as efficient as possible.


The sustainable farm we have is as much therapy as it is environmentally friendly, but is serves both purposes well. The rabbits are warm and furry and take my mind off the dishes left to be washed - then their little pellett droppings fertilize my garden, enabling me to grow organic vegetables and feed my family. That garden is grown without pesticides - and with just enough left over that the birds and the squirrels will also be fed. That part of the lawn doesn't have to be mowed either - well that and the portion covered in trees. Reducing the emissions from our house. I don't use pesticide or Miracle Gro on the yard. Intentionally - it isn't good for the frogs or teh crawdads in our creek - and it kills birds.

There are plenty of opportunities for us to make changes in the way we do things - so that we take care of the land we are entrusted. This Earth Day take a minute and look around at all the beautiful things which surround you - and take a minute to take care of your Mother.

Logansport...

About ten years ago, one of my cousins and I started doing a little geneology research - and that is where I found out that I accidentally named my son Jacob after my great, great grandfather, Jacob.

My family has lived in Logansport since the early 1800's, and back in the 40s and 50s Loner Lumber built many of the houses in the neighborhoods bordering Logansport High School. I remember driving through those neighborhoods with my folks on Christmas Eve, talking about how the family had built many of those houses. My Great Uncle Herman still lives in one. When the business folded, my granfather and 6 of the 8 kids moved out to Kansas City, where much of the family still is, but my dad and his brother stayed in Indiana.

I lived on High Street for a couple of years, in a house that was just three doors down from where my father grew up, and about two blocks away from where my mom grew up - bordering Riverside Park. I had a lovely old home -it was huge, with pocket doors and a 26 foot kitchen - I think it is still blue - 1324 if you drive by...That is still my FAVORITE house of all time. The big mint green one, with the spire, where the mayor used to live - that was where my dad's family grew up -they played baseball at Riverside park. My folks used to meet on High Street and walk the last little bit to school together when they were dating - the school is now where Marsh sits, right there on Market and Broadway - the iron fence, where they walked through the gates.

My son, Josh, received his first Reconciliation and Communion in the same church as my parents, and it is still decorated by a big golden figure of Jesus, right as you come over the bridge from the river. I loved that church and it always feels like home. My mother's dad and step mom were buried from that church, aunts and uncles were married in that church - and some day, my own parents receive their final blessings there as well. Baptized, married and buried my dad says.

When I think of Indiana, it is often that drive from Indy to Logan that comes to mind - the sycamore trees, the corn fields, the little green oasis as you pass through Deer Creek... I loved it there and my memories of the time I lived there are some of my best ever.

If you travel to Logan, make sure you stop off and get a Spanish Hot Dog - and a root beer in a mug, not to go - there is no comparison.

Thank you for asking about Logansport - it was a great trip down memory lane on a cold Monday morning...

The Short List

Well, all of my garden, which was in fact planted two weeks before it was supposed to be, survived the freezing temperatures this weekend. I was very thankful until I went to look over things this morning - and found Sheila DIGGING UP AND EATING ALL OF MY RADISHES.

She is on my short list. Oh no you don't - don't ooh and aw about how cute she is - little rascal...

We had two puppies that my daughter rescued, and we lost one to parvo, while I nursed the other one through it. Oddly enough, now she has mange. I wonder if she decided it was a pretty good deal to be inside and just rolled in something so she could stay inside. Um I just realized I have been outsmarted by the dog. Great.

In the love springs eternal category, is this story, sent to me by my husband who knows I love a good love story. Enjoy....

bad mamma, bad mamma....

I am so sorry for neglecting you these past weeks- but things have really been on the move around here!
Last Wednesday I had a bit of surgery - teh girl kind so I won't bore you with gory details. Suffice it to say it was really easy - and I feel better already. Wish I would have done this months ago.
Thursday and Friday I had off - so I planted a couple rows of spinach in my garden then put a Bartlett pear tree and another Peach tree in the yard. My cherry trees bloomed - and I am hopeful that I might actually get some cherries this year.

Saturday I took Josh to get his learners permit. In true understated fashion, he came back from the test and said: Mom, I don't know how someone could not pass that test - it wasn't hard at all.

Saturday night we went to my sister in law's house. There are 5 family birthdays all around the same time, so we celebrate them all together. Justin has an "adopted brother" who also celebrates with us. Every year we get him something - and he never gets anything for Justin. So, I waited until Justin was done and when this guy still didn't give him a present, I put his gift back in the bag to take home. Is that horrible???? I'm not sure - but it irks me to keep giving to someone who feels no need to reciprocate even though he has the ability. That is one of my pet peeves - people who just sponge off of the good-heartedness of others to fill their seemingly endless pit of needs.

On Monday night, Justin got a job offer from a company he had been temping with - finally after all these months our days of penny pinching are coming to an end. We celebrated by taking the family out to dinner at a Chinese restaurant - and though we spent a bit of cash, there will be leftovers for many meals to come!

After dinner, I dropped off Josh at a friend's house. I love how even as a teenager he still kisses me goodbye. He is headed to Panama City, which I found out later is where most of the kids from his high school will be. Great. I told him to have a good time - but come home a virgin and without a tattoo. Yes, I know that is blunt, but for heaven's sake, I remember the silly things kids did on Spring Break when their parents weren't around - and you know how it goes - if you don't say it specifically, then kids think they can get away with it.

Have I mentioned how much I adore the porch? When I come home I can change clothes then stand out there and watch the ducks in the creek and the goats climbing up those fallen tree trunks - there is no medication like a little time with nature. I tied out a hammock and now in the evening when I return phone calls I can lay out there and look up at the moon through the shagbark hickory tree - it is just lovely. Since those dogs destroyed all my herbs last summer, I have put the little pots up on my porch - even the strawberries are sprouting now - which makes me a happy girl!

I took Dale's advice and signed up for a blessing in my e-mail each morning. Today it was talking about how we plant the seeds of our future, how we must quickly pull up those weeds that threaten to choke that future and how we can live in abundance by being careful about what we have planted. And the little song from some movie: the love you take is equal to the love you make... keeps playing in the back of my mind.

Things on the work front are interesting these days. I can't elaborate at the moment, but promise to when there is some finality. I am unabashed in my desire to try to change the world, though it seems to be one person at a time rather than those big brushstrokes that famous people use. That's okay with me - I have too colorful a past to be famous - but it sure would be nice to be financially sound as well as altruistic.

Some days suck...

This is a picture of my folks from last year - Father's Day if I remember correctly - just outside of the Roof Garden at Indiana Beach.

I talked to my mom last night for a long time. Seems that the radiation bought some time, but isn't doing all they want it to do for the cancer - and the kidneys are being shut off - so my dad is having surgery today - getting a line installed for dialysis.

They have been dealing with this for two years now, and I think it is a testament to how well my dad took care of himself for all those years, that he has been able to withstand all the chemicals coursing through his veins. And a testament to their faith - that they just keep trying even when it doesn't look so promising.

I wish I could fix it - I wish there was something else to do - but in the end, as in all else, we do teh best we can and rely on God to make up the difference. Sufficient unto the day.

And if you have a minute - say a prayer for them - pray for peace in their hearts, pray for strength - and healing wouldn't be bad either.

*update* in true Loner fashion, my dad decided things were too big of a mess at the hospital this morning - that there were too many problems - so he just called me and was on his way home. Apparently surgery is delayed - and he may be waiting for Dr Ash himself to insert the Ash split. You just never know,.

Not falling for this!

If there was one thing I could change it would be my fear of heights - well, not heights exactly, but the fear of falling and falling and falling to my death - from something high up.

When I lived by the rim of Canyon de Chelly - it was bad - since I wanted to look down, but it scared the crap out of me. I forced myself to look anyway - but a small part of me was always morbidly waiting for one of my family - or me - to fall right off the side. Sick, I know.

I haven't seen the Grand Canyon because I am afraid of the drop - though I love looking at the pictures. And now this story about an amazing platform that will let you go over the cliff and get a bird's eye view.

But unless I overcome my fear, these pictures are the closest I will ever get - and that makes me sad.

Hello kiddies

I am applying for a job with a Fortune 500 company, and since three people from work now read my other site, along with the inlaws, I decided to scooch!

Thanks for coming by- and I promise to download the pictures of all the babies and my house goat Louise!

Whew!

Part One: Bourbon
Friday night we went to dinner club with my friend Irene. Seems one of the couples in her club had to stop coming - so we were added. Her husband kept encouraging me to have one more drink - three bourbons, two Irish Coffees and a cream liquor ( or three) later, I couldn't drive home. Bill is in his eighties - and true to the Irish Rogues I have known in the past he joked that he wasn't trying to ply me with liquor, unless of course it was working! I made some great fig cake - though the chocolate guiness puddings were a little rough. We had so much fun that when it got to midnight, we were surprised -but left anyway. They are so genuinely charming - just down to earth and practical - I have really enjoyed them.

Part Two: Summer Already
Saturday was fanatastic - I woke the kids with a bagpipe and drum cd - quietly at first- then full force. I made bacon and oatmeal and fried potatoes - mmm Irish breakfast.
We got downtown to the parade and what should we find but Summer! She was dressing out for the parade, but that other person who was supposed to be in costume with her bailed. So we brought her with us instead. It was cold, but we managed to get a sunburn in spite of that. Only 4 peices of candy, though. What the hell is that? I thought that was a big part of the parade- to throw candy at the kids??? Anyway - after the parade Summer's fiance' changed out of his costume and we went out to eat at the Greasy Spoon.

This city landmark is known for no nonsense burgers and onion rings - great chili fries and chili dogs. If you don't know what you want when you get to the counter, they'll send you to the back of the line. The counter person yells: whatll ya have? whatll ya have?" Then yells back your order. We bulked up on grease and cholesterol - and loved every second of it. While Ivan was quiet in the beginning, the inner geek of the gentlemen at our table kicked in and they spent most of lunch talking about movie stuff.
I should be able to post some pictures tonight - but the USB cable was messed up and I couldn't get them to download.
After we went home, we settled in to dinner of Corned Beef and Cabbage - and new potatoes, and carrots and honey oatmeal bread ( that did in fact have flaxseeds, but you wouldn't have minded, it was like oatmeal cookies in bread form - I'm having it again today for lunch!)

Part Three: Running
Sunday we were on cleanup duty after coffee and donuts. while this means we are assured a donut for breakfast - it also means we are stuck at church until 11:20. We wiped tables, vacuumed and swept the floor and got to spend a while with my friend Mary from church.
My friend Irene, who provided the hooch on Friday night, asked me to go with her for a luncheon to join the K of C Columbiettes. Little did we know that we were stuck there from noon until 4pm. Holy moses. But the ceremony was painless and the sausage and peppers at the end was good - so no complaints here!
I got home only to find that Josh and his three buddies needed a ride about half an hour away to a birthday party - so back in the car I went. I got home about 15 minutes before CCD where we practiced for Confirmation on Wednesday.
Confirmation practice went well, I am astounded, though, by the number of people who feel it is appropriate to yell in the sacristy - it makes me tired when people act like their opinion is more important than what is best for the group... but that is a whole other issue.
On the way out of church, I called Justin - offered to stop and pick up something for dinner since it was only the two of us - and Jake. Justin was out putting all the animals away, and I was looking forward to sitting down for a bit.

I walked in with my Taco Bell tacos - pleased with myself for managing to get dinner by 9 after the day I had - when I heard one of Josh's friends in the front room. Seems they upset the mother who was picking them up and she came at 8 instead of 11. 10 tacos was not going to feed 6 people - especially since four of them eat like teenagers. Thank God for a well stocked pantry - I whipped up chipotle brown rice - a can of Organic Black beans -with green chiles added in - then I sauteed up some shrimp and grilled a couple pork chops.
Miraculously, 30 minutes later there was dinner - and I even had a little rice and beans left over. Crisis averted.
By bedtime, I was whipped - but a little Kahlua knocked the stress right out of me - oh yea, have you ever seen Conan the Destroyer? It is on our free movies right now - and it was better than I thought it would be - or that might have been the Kahlua.

Happy Birthday Early

My mothers birthday is on Saturday, Saint Patrick's Day.
All my life this day has held significance, rivaled only by Christmas. We have corned beef and cabbage, we drink irish Coffee and Green beer - we go listen to the bagpipers. Oh teh bagpipers. I don't know, since I am adopted, exactly where my family came from - but there must be some Celtic blood in there somewhere in my 5'10" frame because the sound of those bagpipes moves me to tears - and seems to evoke such a visceral response that can only be from some ancient knowing deep within my bones. They sound like home to me.
When the kids were little, I took Jerra to the parade in downtown Indianapolis - and as the family grew, the number of green bagels and bags of candy grew as well. We would stand awestruck while watching the Gordon Pipers - the same guys we'd watch later that night at Sullivans - and in May at the 500.
I have some great memories of St Pats - including the year that we took Jerra's very Italian looking father to the pub where he laughed and laughed at people's reaction when they told them he was a Kelly. We had a great time that night - back when everyone was young and healthy.
Last year, we decided to sneak attack and drive up to see my mom on St Pats. It took a lot of coordination to get everyone out of school and make the trip. I was talking to her on the cell as we pulled into Reihle Brothers - and she told me later that she kept looking at that girl and thinking she looked like me. It was a great surprise. This year, I went up to see my dad for his birthday instead - so I'll miss the Indiana version of Green beer.
Since it is just the two of them, my folks are going to a retreat for the weekend - something they need since dad's struggle with cancer doesn't seem to be letting up.
If you get a minute, and want to leave her a happy birthday note, here is my momma's blogger: http://www.thoughtsfromserenity.blogspot.com/

Hope

It astounds me when you get teenagers talking about ways to change the world. They are filled with so much hope, so much promise - and they are SURE that things can change.
I spent the weekend with a group of 27 kids and we talked about forgiveness, honor, truth, and of course being Catholic in the modern world. A lot of deep topics for 48 hours - but teh comments the kids had, the hope they had, was infectious.

There is the possibility that my friend and I will be in charge of the confirmicants next year, and I think we will probably choose a different camp - since the director was happy to take our money, but didn't respond to calls about setting up a campfire on Saturday or providing us with a vacuum.

I had to eat junk food, though, for most of our meals - and my belly was so upset by Sunday afternoon that I could hardly believe it. I crashed out for 4 hours, then tried to get back in the swing by cooking dinner.

Oh and note to self - if you are going to schedule a retreat weekend with teenagers, do it on a weekend where the time doesn't spring forward.

another bachelor weekend

Last weekend, I went to see my folks. This weekend, I am headed off to the Confirmation retreat with the teenagers from our parish. I am really excited about this, though it has brought me to a lot of thinking lately. I have spent a lot of Sunday evenings trying to share what I know about God and the world and how things work and how faith and hope always truimph over evil.

But in my daily life, it is tough. I have friends who don't believe. I have friends who are not only athiests, they are actively discrediting what I believe - making jokes about Jesus and about Christians in general. That is a tough thing. How do you live a life with the credo to love one another when someone attacks the heart of your belief system? I wonder how those same people could miss the stories about the christians who have helped rebuild Mississippi on their mission trips - about the millions of people helped by Catholic Charities - the people fed and clothed by Christians seeking to do the right thing, James Dobson, Billie Graham, Max Lucado, Rich Mullens, or Mother Theresa for pete's sake. Well, I guess I just don't know exactly how to handle that kind confrontation so I just don't say anything.
Making statements about all Christians is like me deciding that all men were bad and abusive just because one or two in my lifetime have behaved that way. I certainly can attest that a man pushed far enough will hit his wife - and a ten year old stepson. A drunken man will strangle his wife and then forget he ever did such a thing. That a man will date rape a woman he cannot have otherwise just to prove a point. That a husband will sleep with someone else just to show you he can do whatever he wants. That a boyfriend will choose cocaine over a promise to your kids. But there are other men who mean it when they make a promise and stand by their wives and children - who struggle with two jobs to keep their families fed and clothed and never say an ill word. So speaking badly about one portion of the male population isn't fair to the millions of people who have behaved well.
If there was anything I learned by working in a psych hospital it was that people have so many more facets than what we see on the surface - and they are capable of amazing good - and astounding evil. Just because you label someone as bipolar doesn't mean he won't turn out to be Einstein or Abe Lincoln.

And whether it is in spite of that, or because of that, I choose to dedicate a part of my life to teaching these kids about God. The world is such a busy and tempting place. It seems so important to have some sort of compass to guide where you want to go. Not so that they become robots and never think about what they believe - but so that they have a starting place to wrestle with God and the world - so that they can ask questions and come up with answers which can make a difference. Is that naive? well, maybe. But when we start believing that we have limits - that we can't do anything, then we can't. There is a real difference between a dream that is difficult versus a dream that is insurmountable. That is what I want the kids to understand - that if they want to make a difference - leave the world a better place, they need only have enough faith in themselves, hope in the future and love for one another to make that difference.
Here is hoping that for the hour I have to speak to them, there will be truth and hope in my words.

I gotta new love

Organic Fuji Apples - holy moly.
I have been substituting these when I need a little something between the morning grits and bacon ( especially if I don't have time for eggs).
I cannot get over the sweetness.
When followed by some pecans or pistachios - well it is nearly heaven.
Totally worth the extra dollar for the organic ones.
PS by cutting down on the Coke Zero to one measly bottle a day - and adding in these apples I have now dropped 12 pounds. Only 70 more to go.

One of these days - POW - straight to the moon!

Do you have someone in your life like this? Eh, we all do. My mom sent me this - hopefully not in reference to me today, but on some days....

huh

We have a great group of kids preparing for Confirmation this year. They have their moments of "kidness" but mostly, they are a likeable group. Another member of the parish came in to do their interview last night - to make sure they are sure about being confirmed and that they understand their faith. During her initial discourse, she mentioned three times that her second graders knew all this - and that these kids were not as together as her second graders.

Is there any reason to think that insulting someone will motivate them to want to be a part of your faith? I cannot imagine why she thought this was appropriate behavior.

Why is it that people feel they have some right to be nasty to others just because they can?

Good News, Not so good news

1. I found out yesterday that the infection I had was in fact kicking my butt - it turned out to be MRSA - a particularly nasty strain of Staph. Takes about a week and a half to kick it even on the right antibiotics - so I am not dying of cancer - or starting to be depressed - or losing my immune system ( which I so carefully feed with all that green tea and flax seed)- I was just sick. Hm, not too bad. Though I could live without the doxycycline - which makes you sensitive to the sun - since I have already gotten sunburn twice since I have been taking it - hey it is 70 here - a girl can get a little sun when it is that warm.

2. Jacob has been put back on the Adderall that we took him off of last year. I don't like what it does to his appetite - but finally he is back on track at school. Medication change #7 apparently did the trick. Sheesh.

3. My dad is getting radiation now, the tumors around his kidneys are so big that the kidney function is impaired - so they have to shrink the tumors before they can give him chemo - you know to shrink the tumors. Such a very messy thing, this cancer. But every time I talk to him he is in such great spirits - I can hardly believe he is this sick.

4. All the new goatbabies had apparently gotten the memo abotu being February kids - and I only have two does who could potentially still be pregnant. One of which is Harry - the Toggenberg -who has not succumed to George the Buck's charms - at least that I know of. We'll see. As the babies are getting bigger, I am hoping to get more milk and try my hand at making some cheese this weekend. I know, brave right. But when you are pinching pennies - it makes sense to use what you have at hand - speaking of which - we have about a gallon of duck eggs just begging to be dessert for the dogs.

5. Amazing Grace opens this weekend. While it is a Christian film, I guess, it is being sponsored by a group that seeks to abolish slavery. Oddly enough, there was a slavery ring broken up LAST WEEK just 50 miles from my house. Isn't that bizarre? I had always thought it was something that happened other places, in small isolated cases, but not so much - these folks say there are MILLIONS - doesn't that boggle the mind - millions. I'm going to see the film this weekend with the kids - since distribution is usually based on opening weekend ticket sales. I expect to be sad - and outraged - but you never know where your path will lead - maybe there is something more we can do - we'll see.

Math

In these days of filling out and filing tax returns, I am reminded that my father, whose degree in mathematics put food on the table, was never able to make me into much of a checkbook balancer - let alone a financier. Karla has a cute post with some pictures from math homework that looks much like the work of my own dear children. Take a look:

On Being a Woman

I was reading last night, and a very interesting article about changing a relationship without saying a word caught my eye. See, I am a talker, I like to hash things out, come up with some solutions and then have the problem over. A little overly pragmatic at times, but hey, when you are the only parent for years at a time, adaptive coping is SO much more practical. Anyway - I am going to finish the article and sum it up - maybe even post it over the weekend because I have been so impressed with it so far.

My girl Lora wrote an interesting post about how some women treat their significant others - and having had a similar discussion with my own daughter about boundaries and how much is too much, I thought I'd pass this along. Enjoy.

must we????

I spend my days teaching people to live healthy - and I need to take my own advice. Note to self: if you run yourself ragged, you will eventually deplete your immune system and GET SICK! Having most of the joints in your body ache is also not a good sign - do something about it.
So once again, today, I am taking a half day at work because I have a stupid temperature and the antibiotics haven't kicked whatever it is out of my body yet. BLECH.

congratulations

People say a lot about freedom of speech - and there are times that even though we have the right to say something, we should have the sense to shut our mouths. Last night the Dixie Chicks walked away with 5 Grammys - for an album that is just ecclectic and heartfelt. You can hear maturity and motherhood seeping into their songs, and maybe that is what I like about them. There is only one song I skip - and it is the one they got awards for - if you have a chance, listen to the lullaby song - these girls can sing. And I like the real hair color too!

Weight loss and Type 2 Diabetes

One of the first things that doctor advises a patient to do when they are diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes is lose weight. I always wondered if the docs didn't think the person standing before them already knew they were overweight. It has always annoyed me. If we knew how to lose weight and keep it off, we would. It is important to understand what has transpired prior to the diagnosis and what is happening now in order to lose weight. Start with one area - medication or exercise or diet adjustment. Do that for a month, then add another area. Otherwise, you set yourself up for failure.

Insulin Resistance: nearly anyone who has that little spare tire or poochy belly has some insulin resistance. Insulin has one primary job: to move the glucose out of your blood stream and into the cells which need it. Any left over glucose is then moved into storage - wrapped in fat and stored as a triglyceride and then deposited on the belly. Insulin resistance is the condition of having extra fat ( which has extra estrogen) that increases the need for insulin. Instead of it taking one unit of insulin to do the job of clearing the glucose, now it takes two, then three and so on. The more fat a person has, the more insulin resistant they are said to be. Metformin, Actos and Avandia work to reduce insulin resistance.

Insulin: Good blood sugar control is imperitive in getting weight off. Insulin's primary job is to keep the blood glucose in check, but it is single-minded. As long as there are insulin molecules in the blood stream, they will keep grapbbing glucose until they all "have one" This phenomenon is why sometimes blood sugars come down too fast, or get to low causing hypoglycemic symptoms. Everytime the blood glucose is above normal range, insulin is secreted in response - and if the cells are full, that extra glucose gets stored as fat. For example, if your blood sugar is 160 after breakfast and then before lunch it is down to 120, that extra 40 points of blood sugar have most likely gone to storage. For many people, getting dietary control will help lower their need for insulin injections. The studies show that overall blood sugars can be reduced by about 30 - 60 points overall by changing the diet. Coming off insulin is only a possibility for people with Type 2 diabetes.

Activity: I mentioned full cells earlier. This is important because we have some control over emptying out the cells to make room for more glucose from the blood stream. The muscle cells burn their sugar when we are active. When the glucose has been burned from those cells, the insulin can easily move the glucose out of your blood stream and into these cells - no resistance, no fat storage. This is why people typically decrease their diabetes medicines while they build muscle and lose weight with activity. Even light activity is better than none at all. The ADA recommends 60 minutes of exercise 7 days a week. That is a pretty lofty goal for most of us. But the rationale is that good glycemic control - having blood sugars in a normal range - is what staves off complications. If you don't routinely exercise, start walking. If that is prohibitive, find something else you can do and get moving.

Diet: Most of us need improvements in three areas: consistancy, quality and quantity. However, it is important to understand why we need to eat. The body is loaded with back up mechanisms. One of these is stored sugar which is kept in the liver and kidneys. If a person skips a meal, or does not take in enough to sustain the body, this emergency sugar is released. It is calle hepato-neoglucogenesis. Since it is an emergency mechanism, like your emergency brake, it is great in a pinch - like if we are stuck snowbound in a car for three days - but not so great on a daily basis. This release of sugar can be seen in people who see a rise in their sugars between when they go to sleep and when they wake up, since this sugar is often released at night as well as at meal times. This can be controlled through diet, but eating consistantly, and also by using Metformin.
Consistancy: in Type 2 diabetes, the pancreas is ticked off, not broken. It tends to work in fits and starts, so part of what we want to do is take some of the workload off by eating consistantly.A person should not go for more than 4 hours without eating something, except of course, overnight. If possible, it is best to break daily intake into 5 or 6 small meals, consisting of 20-40 grams of Carbohydrates at each meal. (it is easier to start on the low side and add, rather than the reverse) This gives the body steady fuel throughout the day and allows the pancreas to react gradually. Do not go without carbohydrates, or with a lower amount without first checking with your doctor. If you cannot do 5-6 meals, then at your three meals, aim for 45 grams each. If you have to have a snack due to increase activity or a late meal, try to keep it around 15 grams.
Blood glucose testing can also give you feedback on how you are doing. If you are having the right amount of carbs at your meals, you should see a difference of less than 30 points between your fasting glucose in the morning and your glucose 2 hours after any meal. If it is more than 30 points, try less carbs at a meal, and moving those carbs to a snack 2-3 hours after the meal.

Quality: If you could hunt it down, grow it on a farm or pick it off a tree it is probably good for you, if not it should not be the crux of your diet ( there is no Macaroni and Cheese tree!) Fresh fruit, fresh vegetables, lean meats and dairy and whole grains. Lay off the processed food and let the quality of the vitamins and nutrients in these foods feed your immune system and heal your body. The fiber is good for your heart, good for your sugars and helps fight cancer - what a deal.
Quantity: People with diabetes are hungry more often because the stomach tends to empty faster - usually in 2 hours. Some people have found that using Byetta or Januvia along with their metformin will significantly decrease these hunger pangs and slow the emptying of the stomach. If you are a quantity eater, fill your plate half full of vegetables - 1 1/2 cups cooked vegetables is about one serving - and that's a lot of broccoli. Have salads, have a glass of water before you eat and for heaven's sake, don't cut out the protien in your diet - it keeps you feeling full longer.

Eternal Embrace

Archeologists on a dig in Italy discovered these two skeletons which appear to be young people locked in an embrace - apparently at the time of their death. You can see the story here. It struck me this morning and provided the reminder that love is in fact a real entity - that it exists regardless of space or time or appearances or your willingness to be a part of it. It was around 6000 years ago -and it will be around long after my own bones are dust.

Customer Care

Do not call your service department Customer Care and then tell me that you have reversed your billing correction and turned my phone off AGAIN without any forewarning. You suck and I knew we should have never ever come back to you. Comcast - you suck.

I met a man on the street last night, said his name was Jesus....( apologies to Big and Rich)

There was a man today, who had just come from having a heart catheterization - which is NOT a comfortable procedure, despite the anesthetics. He was tired and uncomfortable, in spite of the pain medication. He was lying flat on his back, waiting for his body to get back to some semblance of normal, when I walked in to talk to him about his diabetes. Unfortunately, he said come in when I knocked, and I spent about 30 seconds introducing myself before he interrupted to let me know he was using the urinal. We need an "occupied" sign on the doors....

Anyway, when I went back in, he introduced himself and said "what a smile!" He has that look in his eyes like a man who has charmed his way out of a lot.

Then we talked about his health, his heart, his lifestyle. He has a wild streak, but he was blessed with a wonderful wife who will give him a scoop of ice cream if he has done well with his diet all day. She came along when he was suffering as a result of losing so many brothers in Vietnam. His eyes welled up as he recounted the men he had gone to high school with - how he lost them - and then himself for many years. He said that their paths never should have crossed, he a gun-toting gambler and her a Southern christian lady. But they did. The joy as he extolled the virtues of having someone who loves you at home was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen - his face was illuminated and his eyes glistened as he spoke of her. He said " I never lie to her. I do stupid things, but I never lie to her."

And he told me that I was lucky. That there are so many women who never find a good man - or spend their lives struggling with a man who doesn't really love them. I am supposed to go home and tell my husband how lucky I am . Hopefully, he already does, but just in case, I'll do what he says.

You never know when an angel will pose as a cute little old man, just so you'll shut up and listen for a minute.

Doing it the right way

Last night Tony Dungy and the Colts proved what I learned back in gradeschool: Believe in your players and treat each other with respect and good things will happen. Congratulations, guys, it was a joy to watch.

Funny

I't funny, isn't it, how we present ourselves - our thoughts - our dreams - in this space. I read some of my posts, and I really seem like I have it together most days - but lately, not so much. I have three friends who are spiraling into something I think is dangerous - jadedness replacing the joy and light I used to see in their writing - what do you say to someone to warn them - to let them know that they are close to making a mistake you have made before - and it isn't good? I have been doing a lot of reading, but not a lot of commenting because frankly, I am not in a good place myself, and it isn't fair to offer advice when you don't have your own stuff together.

This has been cycling for some time, and while I will spare you the details, I cannot remember a time when I felt more isolated and alone than I do now. Weird, isn't it. Alone and surrounded by a crowd. I think it is something I have done to myself - because I don't want to become a cliche - the nagging wife, the friend who always has another drama, the fat girl with all those emotional issues. It is not that my friends have been unsupportive - it's just that there are so many crises, so many things going on - and my friends have lives of their own. I've never liked those relationships where one person sponges off the emotional energy of the other - and I have resolved never to let it get like that.

A person has to be careful when talking about problems within the family as well. People develop opinions based on what you say, and walls are built during the crisis that may never come down later on. Prepare for the worst, and hope for the best - isn't that what we do - Steel your heart, but hope you don't need to. They say that love rejoices in the truth - that the truth will set you free - but all that truth is doing right now is breaking my heart - and that - well - that sucks.

All the talk in the world about cherishing your family and teaching accountability and personal responsibility goes out the window when people are allowed to behave poorly - and I have allowed it - so I may in fact be reaping what I have sown. Wow, that's a bright thought.

I thought maybe it was depression, but it doesn't fit exactly. I thought maybe it was just because I am still anemic, or grieving my father's illness, or worrying about my kids, or just exhaustion from the weight of things right now. I thought maybe some counseling would help - or even some time away. But the funny thing about problems is that they follow you even when you try to escape.

If you are my friend in "real life" please understand that I am staying quiet on purpose - because I am too big of a chicken to risk any more rejection. I cannot handle another person canceling out on weekend plans or blowing off a lunch date or deciding to call five minutes prior to when I expect them to say they aren't coming. This isn't home for me yet, even though I am desperately trying to make it so. I am normally easy going, and understanding to a fault, but right now I am tired of not being important enough for people to give a shit. So instead I am hibernating - waiting for the snow to melt and the storms to clear so that I can see the sun and hope again.

And if that doesn't work, I'll just move back to Arizona, because I know the sun shines there.

PS This is my horoscope this morning - and I wonder the question of the Ages, is there anywhere I can't go that my Lord won't try to get my attention?

If you try to put everything in a positive light, you'll enjoy a very good day. But if you focus only on what you don't have or what isn't going as well as you'd like, then you'll have a discouraging day. It's as simple as that. You can't let what's going on around you affect your mood too much -- you have control over your outlook and your attitude, so why not wield it? If you keep a smile on your face and act happy with enough conviction, soon you will start to feel happy!

.

Feels like Rain

The last several months have been a series of setbacks for my dad. First the chemo didn't do anthing, then they tried another chemo, but the tumors which surround his kidneys kept blocking them off further and further, delaying more chemo to shrink the tumors blocking the kidneys.

He is having surgery this morning, to place kidney stents, but may end up on dialysis anyway this evening if things don't improve quickly.

It just seems like an endless cycle, and there isn't anything I can to to help.

I've been praying - as much for my own strength as for my folks, I think.

So if you get a minute today, say a little prayer for us.

Things that make me wonder about my sanity

1. We got baby chickens in December - and while the weather has been pretty mild, said chickens are still in cages in my front room - four cages to be exact.

2. We are going to have a Superbowl party - in the room where said chickens currently reside on Sunday after:

3. I have promised to go to my friends daughters' birthday party - which is two hours away and will probably take up most of the day on Saturday.

4. We have move Religious Ed to Sunday morning - which means I won't be home from church activities until 11.

5. All of this points to the fact that I will have to clean the house on Friday for a party on Sunday - which is not likely to work since said house is occupied by three males, four cats, about a zillion finches and, you know, the chickens.

So if you come over to the house for the party, and there is a random chicken feather under your chair, please ignore it for me. And the wings I'm cooking didn't belong to anyone I know.

Ivy's Baby boy

This weekend, when the sun was warm and the sky was clear, Ivy gave birth to Baby Ferdinand. he is a beautiful and healthy buckling. More pictures than you ever wanted over at Scenes from Loner's Ridge.

The Butterfly Princess

She followed her mother on the elevator. A pale and fine boned woman whose two children showed no trace on her figure. She wore a bracelet with those tiny white cube baby bead letters and a thin brown leather strap. The sister had come in first, a carbon copy of her pale and beautiful mother. The little girl looked up, auburn curls framing her cherubic face. Her long dark lashes framing her seeking eyes. It is January, but she is dressed in a ballerina costume of purple tulle, pink satin, and sheer plum purple butterfly wings that are nearly at broad as she is tall. Her little satin slippers, decorated with jewels, shuffle into the elevator, barely touching hardwood floor between bounces. She reminds me about the wonderful thing about Tiggers.

I smiled at her - thinking of my own beatiful little girl bouncing and smiling at strangers.

I said: You are about to make someone very happy, I bet.
She beamed up at me and between the bouncing told me: My daddy's in pain, but I'm going to go fix it!

O little one, that it were so easy.

Stolen Jewel: ( from Hoosierboy)

Tom Brady , after living a full life, died.
When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window
"Tom," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.
On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a blue and white sidewalk, a 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Colts logo flag, and in every window, an Indianapolis Colts towel.
Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB who won the Super Bowl, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."
God said "So what's your point Tom?"
"Well, why does Peyton Manning get a better house than me?"
God chuckled, and said: Tom, that's not Peyton's house, it's mine."
Go Blue!!

I love you honey - but...

This morning while recovering from last night's game, I made Peyton Manning my friend on My Space. What's a girl to do when he has that lazer rocket arm???

Holy Shit! We're going to the SUPERBOWL!!!

Be still my heart. As if it weren't enough that Da Bears return to the Superbowl - and I am hopeful that they will do an updated version of the Superbowl Shuffle from 1985 - Peyton and the Indianapolis Colts came back - with an array of receivers, Two Defensive players who scored touchdowns and even better - an interception when there was less than a minute to play Oh yea, and we got it all on tape.

Superbowl party at our house, so if you're in teh neighborhood on the 4th, stop by.

Don't worry, when the next problem comes along, it will be so much worse, that you'll forget all about this.

Life certainly is a struggle, isn't it. A series of mountains - and when you finally climb one, there seems to be another to climb. Justin's struggle to find a job, Jerra's struggle to find a better job and get through another semester when her life seems to be here, Josh's struggle to become the young man he is destined to be, and Jake - the hardest fighter of all of us. He struggles each day to try to be normal, when he certainly doesn't feel normal. He struggles to fit in, to pay attention, to get his schoolwork done - and compared to his struggle, my little daily trials don't seem like much. I think that God gave him to me to help teach me thankfulness - and patience. Both of which I need reminders about frequently. I have been trying to stop reacting and being more proactive about things - trying to head them off before they become a problem - trusting my instincts.

Isn't it funny how the person you are at 40 isn't at all who you thought you'd be? I was looking over the weekend at my spa$e and found some folks I went to high school with. Funny how the guys seem to still look the same, even some 20 years later. I wonder what the 17 year old version of me would think of the present version. I don't know. What I do know is that each day, it seems I learn more about how things work, how to handle people who are purposely cruel, and most importantly how to apologize quickly when I am an ass. Eh, it happens more often than I would like to admit. darnit.

I still have this undeniable feeling, though, like there is something else I should be doing, but I don't know what that is. It seems like there are so many people who are out there hurting and I wish there was a way to help in a more tangible way - though I guess saying a prayer for them is better than nothing. I got online last night and did some catching up on blogs. People are really struggling - with their jobs, with their kids, with sobriety, with abstainance, with who they are and who they want to be. I wish there was a magic answer, and that there was something aI could say other than: I lived through it, I know how much it cuts, and what kind of scar it will leave - but you will live. I wish there was a balm to sooth it and bring peace - but there is only the strength in scar tissue, the salt of the tears I cry for people I don't even know, and the hope that all things work for good for those who love the Lord - and for those who are learning to.

Bumps

Last night, Justin was working late for the temp company so I was on duty to feed and water everyone before bedtime. Since we are anticipating the birth of a couple of new kids, I waited in the goat pen to make sure the pregnant does got their share of the feed. We have two does, one of ours and one of our friends' in with Sarah and baby Mary, so that the buck won't bother them while they are trying to give birth. You girls know what I am talking about - there is that point in the delivery where you want to strangle the man that did this to you - and, well, these girls have horns, so they might be able to do some damage!

As I stood there watching Tope, I put my hand on the right side of her belly.It was taught beneath her winter coat. Her udders are swollen with milk, so she must be close. Then I felt the raucous kicking of her little one - or ones, we don't know. The father is either George, the beautiful red and black Nigerian buck or possibly Carmel colored Luke, who was about 5 months old when he was suddenly gone. I am hoping for a Luke-baby.

I have kind of a tactile memory - which is funny because I beat the tar out of my hands with all the dirt-farming I do of late. That baby rolling past my fingertips immediately took me back to the days of being pregnant with my own kids. I remembered being pregnant with Bear, my belly full of possibilty and responsibility all at the same time. I was 20 - who the hell knows how to be a good mom at 20? I loved laying on the bed, with the fan hung over the bed with uncurled coat hangers, and watching that lump of baby roll from one side to another. She was an easy baby and spent most of her rolling time midbelly (as opposed to Jake who was either in my ribs or grinding into my hipbones THE WHOLE TIME). I was so proud of that lump that I was one of those moms who wore dresses showing the bump, instead of the tent kind. I liked getting that pregnancy cleavage, too. I remember wondering if "they" would ever grow, then I got pregnant and whammo - there they were. The new curves were great- and I even wore a two piece suit when I'd go cool off at Lake Monroe after working that double shift at Pizza Hut ( cause the baby was gonna have to eat). I'd go on my break and make garlic bread with fresh mushrooms and tons of mozzerella cheese...mmmmmm sorry you lost me there for a minute.

I broke down and wore a couple of those tent dresses late in the pregnancy, when the July heat was just more than I could bear, but mostly I wore old shirts where I could see her move and feel her little foot against the inside of my belly. She liked John Cougar Mellencamp's Scarecrow album - well of course she did, we were living in Southern Indiana at the time - and she'd really roll about for that.

I felt great when I was pregnant. It seems to be the only time that all my hormones are in alignment. My weight goes down, my skin clears up, and I have tons of energy. That season is past now. In a couple of weeks I'll have a procedure that will probably make me infertile - and while a part of me is sad, I certainly don't have any plans for more babies anytime soon. It's just another twist - so in lieu of more babies of my own, I'll let go of that dream of having 10 kids, and keep working on the reality of mama goats and baby goats and fresh milk and cheese.

Hope

This has been a week where "the world" has cut me some slack by being full of those stories that show how wonderful life can be. A man jumped onto the subway to rescue a stranger, The person with the tape of Steve Irwin's death returned it to his widow, behaving in an honorable way in a world that would have paid big dollars for him to do otherwise, firemen delivered a baby in New York, a couple of guys caught a 4 year old who was falling out of a window, a puppy who has been gone for a long time, showed up at the other end of the country, and has now been returned to her owners, my long lost friend is back to being my friend again - so much so that she told me to stop whining which was something I needed to hear, I might get a job offer to make more money and if I do, I already like the girl I'll be working with, and whatever was trying to get in to eat my chickens didn't make it in.

Yep all that in one week - you'd think the Earth was spinning backwards or something.

Then I went to the Gluten Free Girl. Her name is Shauna, and like many of us, she searched and hoped for love for a long time, she'll be forty next year. She is up for a blog award because of her wonderful story, Yes, warning: I was streaming tears at my desk, but you already know what a sap I am for a love story. Read it when you have a minute and want to be submerged in a bit of hope, it did it for me.

PS I don't care if I sound sappy, I am so ready to be back to my happier self and thankful that the world is getting back into alignment.

The Goat Lady

For Christmas I received a great book called The Goat Lady. It is the true story of a woman who was French Canadian and had owned a farm. Then, her husband died, and part of the farms sold off, and she was surrounded by suburbs. The woman who did hte illustrations is a school art teacher who knew this wonderful lady and decided a book was in order. It is a lovely book - and even though I have always wanted to be Aunt Meg from Twister when I grew up, I have changed my mind, and decided this image is more true to where I am headed!

How to live rich when you have no money

This morning as I was looking at my Yahoo home page, one of the leading articles was about finding happiness in 2007. Having an insatiable need to learn - I clicked over and found this article which very adeptly describes how to find what makes you happy and build on it. It isn't really a new idea, more like one of those things you "know" but is left floating just outside of the consciousness.

It made me think about a sermon I once heard, that changed how I viewed things. It was back when I was a single mom, and as one, I was nearly always broke. I remember thinking that if I just had more money, I would be happier. PFFT.

The priest started by saying that we are all stewards of what we are given. That we are given according to our need, not our wants, our needs. Sometimes our needs are greater than our wallet, and those situations are designed to let others act charitably. Other times, we have more than we need, and it is our responsibility to be charitable as well. My kids would ask why we sould give money to drunks at the grocery store who we were pretty sure would just spend the money on booze ( actually, I went to getting gift cards at the fast food place, so they would get food and not booze) I explained that my responsibility is to give to those in need - if I have two coats I have to give one away. The person who recieves, is then responsible to make sure that what I have given is used for the right purpose. That burden isn't on me, it is on the recipient. Of course, it is good to help assure that things are on the up and up. I don't send money to TV preachers - or to people that I deem less than reputable, but I do help others when I can.

After a problem with one of my friends, I never lend money that I expect to receive back - that is for banks, and it isn't worth the cost of a friendship. I have always thought part of stewardship was making sure money was used for good, whenever possible - so I have often used my money to go see friends - to be at a wedding or a birthday - or come for a visit, even when I couldn't afford it per se, the money was spend doing exactly what Christ did: showing people that they matter, that their lives are important to someone else, that it's just money. There is the promise that needs will be met, and that the Lord will be sufficient unto the day, and I have yet to see otherwise.

Need is a funny word. We need food and a place to live and clothes. But Cable isn't a need, neither is home internet service, neither is lawn service. Those are wants and people get them a little muddled. They cry out to God to meet their needs, when what they really want is for God to meet their wants. I wonder how we will view Justin's job hunt 10 years from now - since I think he "needs" a job, but 15 months later, one has not been provided. Maybe it is a want and not a need. We make enough to pay our bills - to meet our needs - and we have to watch the wants a little more closely, but so far, so good.

People are funny about money. Oddly enough, it isn't really ours. That is the whole idea of stewardship: being responsible and wise in the care of something that doesn't beling to you. Certainly we can't take it with us- and if you look at folks who are making millions per movie, their lives can testify that money doesn't buy happiness either. But look further, at the folks who give lots of it away - they are much happier because they know the truth.

I work for a hospital, so when my paycheck comes, that money is temporarily mine, though some is already promised to my mortgage, my utilities and my car payment. But the hospital got that money from patients and their insurance companies, who got it from their employers, who got it from their customers, who got it from their employers and so on. Thus the common phrase at our house: It's just money, we'll make more.

My dad worked for an accounting firm when we lived in Indy, he traveled a lot, did a lot of trouble shooting and in the end, worked his butt off for that glorious high paying salary. He told me, not long after that, to never take a job you hate just for the money. It is better to do something you love and just meet your debts than to make lots of money at a job that eats you alive. When I stopped worrying about getting the highest paying job, and focused on what is really important: the ability to balance time at a job I like with time spent with my family whom I like, I learned to live within the amount in my paycheck.

And I learned that happiness for me is a little farm and baby chicks and enough money to put food on the table, even if we will never live in a $500,000 home like some of my kids friends, what we have is sufficient, and bears all the signs of a rich life.

Night Owls

I won't swear that this is what woke me up at 2 this morning - and kept me up until about 4 - but I have the strong suspicion that no cat in their right mind would venture into woods guarded by a dozen dogs, and we haven't seen a raccoon or possum since the construction annihilated the 17 acres of woods behind our house. The noise was something between a peep - like the baby chickens make - and a screech - like something in pain. It sounded very similar, though, to the sound the baby finches make - annoying and urgent.

For much of the night, the ducks were uneasy, like something was wrong - but we couldn't find any problems even after a couple of trips out to the pen. Then about two, there was a noise that came from a stand of pine trees where we have seen the two barn owls roost in the past. I am hopeful that they will get their parenting rhythm under control, or I am going to be one sleep deprived girl until these guys learn to hunt for themselves.