Funny

I't funny, isn't it, how we present ourselves - our thoughts - our dreams - in this space. I read some of my posts, and I really seem like I have it together most days - but lately, not so much. I have three friends who are spiraling into something I think is dangerous - jadedness replacing the joy and light I used to see in their writing - what do you say to someone to warn them - to let them know that they are close to making a mistake you have made before - and it isn't good? I have been doing a lot of reading, but not a lot of commenting because frankly, I am not in a good place myself, and it isn't fair to offer advice when you don't have your own stuff together.

This has been cycling for some time, and while I will spare you the details, I cannot remember a time when I felt more isolated and alone than I do now. Weird, isn't it. Alone and surrounded by a crowd. I think it is something I have done to myself - because I don't want to become a cliche - the nagging wife, the friend who always has another drama, the fat girl with all those emotional issues. It is not that my friends have been unsupportive - it's just that there are so many crises, so many things going on - and my friends have lives of their own. I've never liked those relationships where one person sponges off the emotional energy of the other - and I have resolved never to let it get like that.

A person has to be careful when talking about problems within the family as well. People develop opinions based on what you say, and walls are built during the crisis that may never come down later on. Prepare for the worst, and hope for the best - isn't that what we do - Steel your heart, but hope you don't need to. They say that love rejoices in the truth - that the truth will set you free - but all that truth is doing right now is breaking my heart - and that - well - that sucks.

All the talk in the world about cherishing your family and teaching accountability and personal responsibility goes out the window when people are allowed to behave poorly - and I have allowed it - so I may in fact be reaping what I have sown. Wow, that's a bright thought.

I thought maybe it was depression, but it doesn't fit exactly. I thought maybe it was just because I am still anemic, or grieving my father's illness, or worrying about my kids, or just exhaustion from the weight of things right now. I thought maybe some counseling would help - or even some time away. But the funny thing about problems is that they follow you even when you try to escape.

If you are my friend in "real life" please understand that I am staying quiet on purpose - because I am too big of a chicken to risk any more rejection. I cannot handle another person canceling out on weekend plans or blowing off a lunch date or deciding to call five minutes prior to when I expect them to say they aren't coming. This isn't home for me yet, even though I am desperately trying to make it so. I am normally easy going, and understanding to a fault, but right now I am tired of not being important enough for people to give a shit. So instead I am hibernating - waiting for the snow to melt and the storms to clear so that I can see the sun and hope again.

And if that doesn't work, I'll just move back to Arizona, because I know the sun shines there.

PS This is my horoscope this morning - and I wonder the question of the Ages, is there anywhere I can't go that my Lord won't try to get my attention?

If you try to put everything in a positive light, you'll enjoy a very good day. But if you focus only on what you don't have or what isn't going as well as you'd like, then you'll have a discouraging day. It's as simple as that. You can't let what's going on around you affect your mood too much -- you have control over your outlook and your attitude, so why not wield it? If you keep a smile on your face and act happy with enough conviction, soon you will start to feel happy!

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