Tuesday, June 29, 2004

A Registry for Predators

I have become accustomed over the past month, to listening to my friend, Justin, rant about various topics. This has encouraged me to find a topic of my own - unfortunately something near and dear to my heart: Why don't we have some sort of registry system for people who are verbally and physically abusive? There is a sex offender registry, but unless an abuser rapes someone, he will not be listed on the registry. I can think of four women just off the top of my head who were in relationships with men who either hit them, verbally abused them or scammed them, taking all their money. Why isn't there a website that tracks these predators so that other women will know who they are? Why don't the police have some sort of a list so that when the next victim calls she won't be told it is a civil matter and there is nothing the police can do? Why don't we track these people instead of allowing them to go through numerous victims and devour lives? Why is it that rape is a felony, but destroying someone's life and faith in humanity is just a tragedy? Why isn't there a better safety net?

In my own situation, there was a 10-day no contact order. On day 11, there was no notification that the contact order had ended - I though it was still in effect! Lots of people complain that women tolerate abuse - I underwent photographs and recounting my story repeatedly. I called the police, I filled out a report, my kids who witnessed the abuse went to counseling. And 30 days later, there are still no charges from the prosecutor and he is free to harass me at will. The most common taunt being that the prosecutor doesn't believe me either and that I made the whole thing up. Oh yea, I know lots of women who would smack themselves in the face just to get that red mark. I have to make another trip downtown, away from work, to ask for an additional restraining order. Of course, the fact that the last one was terminated would have been helpful information, BEFORE he started harassing me again. Now he has broken into my house and dismantled my computer, so once again, I have been to the police to file a report. I am tired of having to call the police, I would like something else to be done - some accountability instead of allowing him to continually harass me.

Wonder why women don't report abuse - authorities ignore her and act like it isn't serious! How many times do I have to call the police before there are charges filed and something is done about the abuse? Studies show there is an increased risk of abuse every time there is police involvement - be it revenge or just heightened emotions. There is a serious risk taken every time a woman goes to the police, seeking protection and justice. And yet, thirty days later, I did everything that was asked of me - even read my little victim's rights sheet - and still there are no charges and he walks about free to continue harassing me. I don't want to be the real-life version of the Burning Bed - but there comes a saturation point where you just cannot take any more abuse, and there is no more patience left. Dolores Claiborne had it right - an accident can be the best thing that ever happens to a beaten woman. But so far, no such luck, and I value my life more than I value revenge, so I don't take that path even though it is SOOOO appealing to my primal nature.

Before he decided to protect his assets by divorcing me, Dan already had a girlfriend. A woman he described as "stupid" and the "ugliest woman on the planet". Nice, especially since it wasn't long before he was kissing and telling. I know he has another girlfriend now - a woman who has kids and has no idea what she is up against - how cunning and deceitful he can be in the beginning.The girlfriend is already convinced BY HIM that I am lying about the abuse - and that perhaps I am the one who is hitting him. I know that there were four women before me who were discarded and verbally abused - I have seen the letters they wrote. I even talked to two of them, one at great length and she kept telling me how sorry she was for what I had become trapped in. She knows it wasn't her fault but the destruction has left her still single 12 years later.

I hold no misperception that it is only men who behave badly. I know there are plenty of women who manipulate and break a man's heart and spirit in much the same way. Women tend to go the emotional abuse route, but there are those viscous souls who insist on humiliating others - including their husbands by infidelity and physical violence. There are certainly a bevy of those "black widow" wives whose husbands mysteriously die leaving her with money she didn't earn.

What I really want is a legal way to warn other women, a way to bring justice to someone who was verbally and physically abusive to me and my kids. There is no justice when a woman is patient, goes to counseling with a man who is abusive, trying to live through his depression and poor blood sugar control, tries to be honest and loving, long after those feelings have faded still is subjected to abuse day after day. There should be a way to look up someone's history of domestic violence - and then enable a woman to make up her own mind or do her own research before getting involved. If a person can at least know the facts and know what to expect, then domestic violence could be reduced. Innumerable women have the conversation " Oh he hit you - yea, he hit me too". The fact that we as a society tolerate this is incomprehensible. It needs to stop, we need to take a stand and hold people accountable for their behaviors. I for my part, am raising two sons who understand how women are to be treated - and more importantly, have been taught that every life has value and is worth respect. And the mantra - people are not for hitting...

Monday, June 28, 2004

Thit mé i ngrá leat ( I won't say it in English)

The force of the words takes me by surprise
Words I vowed never to speak again -
The power in the sentiment and the possibilities
Overwhelms my senses and frightens my reason
Don’t know what will happen tomorrow, and
My future suddenly seems both secure and unclear simultaneously

The real trial is in being patient,
A virtue analyzers like us sorely lack
While the details, which now seem complicated,
Work out into a new order before us
And in time we may look back and wonder
Why we were worried in the beginning.

It seems as natural as my heart beating
To hear your voice before I sleep, lulling me into dreams
Gathering my thoughts and wrapping them
In the dark felt of evening and the knowledge
That for now, I need not worry, there are two of us.

No promises are made, but even if
The day comes and we find we cannot make our lives merge
Making pancakes after making love in the morning,
You will be in my heart forever, a reminder
That another spirit walks this path, barefoot
Feeling the earth warm and breathing below

Kindred Spirits

On Friday I attended my 20th high school reunion. I have good memories from high school, but also a lot of not-so great memories. In my twenties, I discovered that I was much happier being my wild self than I was trying to be good and fit the image my folks projected. Don't get me wrong, they were and continue to be great parents. But the need to have a good daughter with a happy home and a white picket fence has put enormous pressure on me. Did so in high school, too. I remember feeling like lots of people were more beautiful, more popular, more together - and generally just more.

At the reunion, I started talking to Suzanne. Probably didn't talk to her 20 minutes the whole time I was in high school. We ran with different crowds most of the time. Both of us dated Juniors during our freshman year. These two guys hung out together and must have been drinking the same water because it turns out that they were both really possessive and both pushed physical limits well before the girlfriends were ready. Perhaps that is the advantage of having a 14-year old girlfriend. Suzanne has had trouble just like I have - we compared notes about how we couldn't pick husbands very well, but we had been with a couple of great boyfriends - not including the psycho high school boyfriends. I actually had someone tell me that the guys thought I was way out of the "psycho-boyfriend's" league and that they loved me and didn't understand why I would not date anyone from my own high school. I wanted to say Duh - that after the first one I learned that I liked my privacy when it came to romance.

The most odd thing was that we saw something of each other in the story. Putting up with too much, getting tired of being alone - looking in the mirror and wondering why other people found happiness and we found divorce court once again. The cycle of being enticed, captured, and disposed of has taken it's toll. We had SO much fun- talking about folks in our group who still didn't' get it - who still thought that money and a trophy wife meant happiness - or the women, only a couple, who still think that money and big diamonds make you better than everyone else.

Interestingly we have coped with it differently. The last time I got hurt, I hid - mostly behind late night jobs and Taco Bell. I found that when I was heavy, fewer of those predatory men were willing to seek me out - and they stopped treating me like a piece of ass. Suzanne on the other hand looked fantastic - Better even than in high school, but she has her shield up. She is at time noisy and brash, but she didn't bother with the 80 pound thing. Probably a healthier choice! What a riot she is.

The most remarkable thing about the reunion, was that in some ways, it was like being 18 again - and in others it was like meeting your classmates all over again, in their new and improved incarnations. We remembered good things about one another - perhaps the best part of each other - and that was a beautiful thing. So thankful that I went, glad I drank too much Merlot, and glad I made new friends out of old acquintances.

Friday, June 25, 2004

Love and Saint Paul

Love is patient
Waiting for a comfortable time
Allowing the heart to
Open slowly like a butterfly
Struggling from the cocoon

Love is kind
Apologizing when needed
Gently reproving, understanding
Guarding each others dignity
Holding each other up

Love is not jealous
Of time devoted to other
Areas of lives already formed
Of love for others
That comes from being wanted

Love does not brag
About the gifts given by the lover
Love is not arrogant
And feels blessed and humbled
By acceptance scars and all

Love does not act unbecomingly
Even when hurt, and bleeding
Real love knows that just because someone
Else behaves badly, it is not permission
To behave badly in return

Love does not seek it’s own
But in putting the needs and desires
Of loved one first, paradoxically
Has it’s own needs met
Until the cup is overflowing

Love is not provoked and does not take
Into account wrong suffered.
It knows that people make mistakes
And that the same forgiveness we ask of others
We must also be willing to grant

Love lets go the tethers of wrongs and debts
Understanding that frailties beset all of us
And that truly loving means accepting those shortcomings
And loving someone because of their humanity.

Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth
Even when the truth is hard to bear
Even when vengence seems the sweeter path
Love knows that our commission
Asks us to be responsible to one another

Love bears all things
Distance that seems to far, fear that threatens to overtake the heart,
Anger for wrongs done years ago,
Even tales about scars and lovers that hurt
Each time they are recounted

Love believes all things
It believes in the possibility
That someone who has been cast off
Can become the cornerstone
Of another life, another love


Love endures all things
Frail aging bodies, deaths, losses
Disappointments, joys and ecstasies
It endures through time even
Through the veil of the grave, to eternity

Too Easily

Falling in love too easily
Can there be such a thing?

Where coupling is preferred
Over committing to a ring?

In a world where outward beauty
Obscures the inner soul,

And love often means bondage
A means to have control

To love truly, deeply, passionately well
Seems a fools venture at best.

But cowering fearful in the shadows
Cannot give the heart its rest.

To be open to the chance
That love may seek you out

To be willing to know another life
Is what living is all about.

And what else is there in this life
When our time to breathe is through?

But the heart full of loving memories
And the people who treasured you.


The Ogre

Stomping around your fort
Locking doors, booming threats
Holding onto my precious things
Trampling the gardens I worked
To provide food for your table
Your words cut me over and over
And I marvel that you cannot see
The blood pouring through my chest

Why do your rejoice in hurting me
Rubbing salt in open wounds
Why do you think that disposing
Of someone who only tried to love you
Should be a clean cut, quick disposal
Dumping her back where she was
And you no worse for wear.

And why do I try to make sense of
The insanity that pervades your life
Cannot wrap my mind around
What I have done wrong
What I have done to displease you
What I have done to deserve
Your disdain, your lies, your betrayal

And yet, today, a new day dawns
Another heart reaches out to me
His words are calming, like honey
Soothing balm to my troubles
Over and over again, his hands
Heal slowly and methodically
The wounds you have carved in me

And I realize that I will escape
In a freedom I had long forgotten
and my heart will heal
able to love again, only better
And my wounds will close
With scar tissue stronger than
The flesh that was there before

Thursday, June 24, 2004

I Think I am in Love with You

To this man, You know who you are
I think I am in love with you
The words have not spilled from your lips
Nor have they escaped from mine
Though not from lack of trying
They linger on the tip of my tongue
When Sleep beckons me
And I want to tell you
I love you – good night
Sleep well and I will dream of you

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

The Four Agreements

So often it seems that people torture themselves trying to figure out the people around them. We forget that the only person we have any control of, at least in part, is ourselves. Even though we don't have total control - can't control who you fall in love with, but can control what you do about it - a person can lead a happy life even in the face of adversity by keeping the Four Agreements in mind.

1. Be Impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity and only say what you mean. Avoid using words to speak against yourself or against others. Use the power of your words to increase truth and love in the world.

2. Don't take anything personally - Nothing that others do is really because of you. What others do and say is a projection of their own reality. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you will not be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama.

4. Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment. It will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Just because someone else is behaving badly, it does not give you an excuse to behave badly too.

Monday, June 21, 2004

Inside the Ring

O the amorous kisses fell
Between our lips, begin and tell
A thousand and a hundred score
A hundred and a thousand more


Diana Gabaldon, Dragonfly in Amber

Tactile Memory

The taste of you lingers in my memory
The sweetness of your kiss, bathed in licorice and tequila

My face remembers you, and the soft bristles around your mouth
My cheeks flush with the thought of your heat

I think of you and I tremble, as under your hands
My skin remembering the feel of your touch, the curve of your fingers

My ears remember the sound of you breathing
The slow rhythmic breath of a contented child sleeping

My legs remember the feel of your legs
Strength, firm muscles and warm flesh

The line along my belly remembers where your arm rested
As I tried to leave, savoring the sweet sorrow of parting

My hands remember the feel of your chest
The soft hair curling and the baby skin beneath

I feel younger than I have in years, alive, invigorated
In hope, the outside flesh remembers, the inside flesh savors

I still feel your breath on my neck, like warm oil flowing over me
Inducing chills while I am driving home thinking of you

My heart remembers you
Thoughts and words spilling over like a flood

Unable to write quickly enough to stop
The pounding that follows my thoughts of you

What If...

God has a sense of humor
His time is not the same as mine
His Hand is on the butterfly, the sunset
And the platypus – humor incarnate

What if the time is now?
Would we be wise enough
To jump in, run free, trust our hearts
Be a part of something more

Or would we hide in the shadows
Of our hurts, our betrayals, our scars
Cowering at the risk of being hurt again
And hope that real love would pass us by

What if the other half I am looking for
Is standing right before me
With steel blue eyes and a quick wit
And honeysweet words on his lips

What if real love is the deep and
True feeling that cannot be denied
What if it makes us see the reality
Of our ugly and scarred places

What if those places were loved
For the person they created
Kissed for the soul they have built
For the rebuilding of something beautiful

What if love is knocking at my door?
Will I choose to open and receive?
Knowing there is risk, knowing there
Is always a chance it may be gone

Love without risk is not love.


Just In Time

Just in time – how appropriate the title
Not looking for romance or to fill a void
Running from the bridal bouquet
Yet some force continued pressing
Pushing, drawing, moving us
Closer, almost in the way of each other
Until there was no longer a path of resistance

My heart has kept hope burning
Despite betrayal, despite the pain
The beliefs of a little girl
That love exists without boundaries
That two people can be happy together
That I have another half who is also
Angry that it is taking so long to find each other

The disembodied voice continued calling
Though its existence remained silent on my lips
Even when I could not see you, I could feel you
Your hands on my trembling skin
This I will keep only to myself
The precious treasure of another soul
One like me, with scars stronger than flesh

Delicious moments of seeing beneath the pelt
Into the soft pink flesh beneath the surface
Into the heart and the tender shrouded soul
Looking deep into your eyes,
Hearing the fear in your voice too
Frightening to see the commonality
With my own soul, my own life, my own scars.



Untangling the Bones

Fear has overtaken reason
As I glimpse what has become
Tangled and tied to the net
I didn’t even remember putting out

The face is not what I had imagined
But something is intriguing
A familiarity, like I have known before
The electricity I suddenly feel

There are bones scattered in the net
But there is a purity
An honest beauty in them
Which longs to be wisely touched

The bones cry out to be loved in spite
Of the outward appearance
Bones cast off by others
Who couldn’t see their worth

The value in quick wit and honesty
In raw emotion shared
Willingly, without pretense
The value of vulnerability, bareness of bone

But the hidden treasure lies
In the secret of touching tenderly
The bones, not asking
For anything in return

In ordering what was thrown away
Caressing what seems unlovable
Kissing the crevices
Of darkness, transforming beauty

And when the tear escapes
It flows and feeds the hungry bones
With the nourishment of compassion
With the milk of a heart given freely

And the miracle that occurs
Is the life returning
The rose-kissed glow of skin
Flesh, alight with fire, tingling

Breath, where once there was silence
Air filling lungs that
Scarcely dared breath before
Inhale sanctified belonging

Passion, love, alliance
Ensue as an unexpected gift
From what seemed like only bones
To the eyes of the unbeliever