Ill Winds

It is hard to say how it creeps in, seems like wind almost - one minute you are standing in the kitchen, warm, then a chill comes through a crack in the door frame - or through a light switch. Sometimes, without realizing it- I react to things that are said and to situations like the Ogre is still here. Funny how long the brainwashing can last. About a week ago, I was talking to Justin about phone messages, I told him I didn't listen to his phone messages, that they were private. When we lived with the Ogre, we stopped listening to messages because sometimes they got erased, or sometimes he didn't get them in a timely manner, so in the house I used as my permanent address, I didn't listen to the answering machine. He was astounded - I was still living under Ogre-rule and didn't catch myself.

There are times when I catch myself concerned that if he sees my faults and the faults of my kids, he will pull away from me in disgust. I have rushed through the house picking things up - or tidied a mess that someone else should have cleaned in an effort to defray an Ogre's rage that doesn't even exist in this life. I worry about being a burden, about wearing out my welcome, about "pulling my weight". Silly that a grown woman could let herself become so entrenched in trying to stay out of trouble, trying to avoid a confrontation, that the whole way of thinking changes. I obey rules that I would never expect anyone else to adhere to. I have conditioned myself from Ogre rule to work until I cannot move another muscle and to expect that it will not be enough. That I will not be enough.

And yet, he is here each day, and he reassures me that I am enough and that what I do is appreciated. I had the odd discussion tonight with my kids that Justin has been more of a father to them than any of their fathers have been - taking us as a part of his family even when we were at our worst, assuming a husband's burden though he is no obligated to do that at all. There is no greater love than to lay down your life for a friend - giving up all you hold dear: quiet and privacy and personal space - never mind the added financial burden of adding a family-size utility bill. Funny that he thinks I do so much for him and for his life, and yet I think I'm the lucky one. I have kissed enough frogs to know that men like this don't come along more than once in a lifetime.