Today I am not brave

Wondering today if I have let myself
Go to far, feel too much
Believe in a possibility
That may only exist in my head

Nothing particularly happened,
But still things are not said
It is what is withheld that frightens me
Into thinking maybe I have misunderstood

I want so badly to believe the story
My heart is telling me to be true
I want to hear that soothing voice
Over and over again in my ears, reassuring

And yet there is a nagging sense
That something is not right
And perhaps I have something to fear
But I have made my choice and I will not

Maybe it is too little sleep, exhaustion,
Or too much drama, or my
Normal lack of patience unable
To wait for a good thing

This is new territory
Intensity of emotion
Feeling both freedom and fear
Simultaneously, disconcertingly near

Maybe it is being alone too long
Even in the presence of others
And now feeling like myself again
I want more of a man who helps me feel alive

I am developing a need for him
I can see it in my day, scheduling
Time to get my fill, but it is a poor substitution
What I really want, I cannot have

A part of me wants to run
Far and fast to escape what I feel
A part of me wants something else
To think about and somewhere else to be

And I question myself: What would I want?
Families involved? Moving? Money spent?
Rushing things which will leave lingering
Questions instead of something proven over time?

Just like him I wish to see in the crystal ball
And know that everything will turn out
Just as I have dared to imagine in dreams
And how that could be is a mystery

On a day like today, I cannot even use
My own words as a touchstone
Do you like spending time with me?
Do you like talking to me?
Everything else we are worrying about is irrelevant

Today I am not brave, I just am