My daughter and I had an in-depth conversation last night about how someone can know whether what they are embroiled in is really love, or whether it is infatuation. After having seen her mom in several relationships, I can certainly understand why she would question this. It is difficult to explain to a teenager that a woman's heart has an enormous capacity for loving others, it is how most of us are wired. It is also hard to explain that a woman may be blessed with one person she is in love with, but not have the sense to keep him. This forces her to choose - either live the rest of her life alone or settle on something that is close-enough to real love and have someone beside her.
Once, I was in love and I know this because it has not faded and not a day goes by that I don't think about him. When I finally figured out what I had, it was too late and I vowed never to let something like that slip away without a fight again. I don't have regret anymore, I let that go a long time ago - but more a memory of what it felt like to have someone who loved me enough to let me be myself. It is the quiet understanding that we connected, that are lives were intertwined, but our paths have led elsewhere and they don't lead back to one another. I can't really translate this to a young girl who does not have this life experience - but what does translate is that knowing someone's heart and investing time together should help you feel closer and more in awe - instead of giving you a longer list of things you want to change. There are few things more cruel than being with someone and forcing them to change who they are to suit you. It is tortuous when your love only gives affection when you behave they way they want you to. That isn't really love - it is something off-kilter that looks like love.
If my daughter is wise, she will work to keep the person who really loves her back. Keeping her boundaries and assuring that he knows she loves him back. I pray that will be the path before her. So what is to be said about other relationships? I analyzed that a person might get one shot at real love, maybe two if God was smiling on her - but the likelihood was that I would have to make my life with a man that I would grow to love because I had blown my shot. Back to that enormous capacity thing. A woman can make a life with someone she grows to love - not exactly friendship that catches fire, but comfortable companionship, not sleeping alone, a mutually beneficial partnership of sorts. I love you's are said, and meant, but there are so many facets to love. I would be lying if I said I never loved any of the other people I was involved with. I did. But it is not the same thing as true love - it was close enough, as close as I was going to get - but not the real thing. I think in relationships there can be some elements of infatuation mixed in with love, at least in the beginning. Much of this fades and is replaced by a clearer, honest understanding of who your love really is. If things don't progress to the point that you are willing to see each others weaknesses, it isn't really love. Settling has not worked out for me at all - having tasted the real thing, "almost" is a poor substitution and doesn't satisfy for very long. My daughter has witnessed this, but in doing so, has been able to better discern in her own life what feelings are infatuation and which are love.
The most important lesson I hope I conveyed to her is not to settle - not to give your heart away to someone who doesn't earn that right by loving you back. Don't waste your life trying to behave more properly, or lose more weight or become someone you are not. Settling doesn't have anything to do with appearance or what her vision of perfection is - it has to do with settling on a soul - a person who on the inside doesn't love her well - or love her enough to really know who she is. And the only way to tell for sure is time - this is my Dad's wisdom - and he is right. I think that is the reason patience is listed at the beginning of Corinthians: Love is patient. Perhaps the writer knew how hard it is to be patient and let things develop when you can see the rest of your life before you.
When I was in high school, we were given a reprint of this from Ann Landers column. I have found it a good tool for sorting out where things are in a relationship.
Love or Infatuation-
Infatuation is instant desire - one set of glands calling to another
Love is friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at a time
Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager, but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too closely. It might spoil the dream.
Love is quiet understanding and the mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you, to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by his/her presence even when he/she is away. Miles do not separate you. You want him/her nearer, but near or far, you know he/she is yours and you can wait.
Infatuation says, "We must get married right away! I can't risk losing you!"
Love says, "Be patient. Do not panic. Plan your future with confidence."
Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. If you are honest, you can admit it is difficult to be in one another's company unless you are sure it will end in intimacy.
Love is the maturation of friendship. You must be friends before you can be lovers.
Infatuation lacks confidence. When he/she is away you wonder if he/she is cheating. Sometimes you check.
Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. Your beloved feels that also and that makes them even more trustworthy.
Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret later, but love never will.
Love is an upper. It makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person.
Is it true love?
Hunt (1975) suggests asking these revealing questions:
(1) Do I treat the other person as a person or a thing? If you go out with him/her because he/she is good looking (a "prize" to be with) or a way out (a ticket to the movies), that isn't love.
(2) Would you chose to spend the evening alone with him/her if there were no kissing, no touching, and no sex? If not, it isn't love.
(3) Are the two of you at ease and as happy alone as you are with friends? If you need other friends around to have a good time, it isn't love.
(4) Do you get along? If you fight and make up a lot, get hurt and jealous, tease and criticize one another, better be careful, it may not be love.
(5) Are you still interested in dating or secretly "messing around" with others? If so, you aren't in love.
(6) Can you be totally honest and open? If either or both of you are selfish, insincere, feel confined, or unable to express feelings, be cautious.
(7) Are you realistic? You should be able to admit possible future problems. If others (besides a parent) offend you by saying they are surprised you are still together, that you two seem so different, that they have doubts about your choice, better take a good look at this relationship.
(8) Are either of you much more of a taker than a giver? If so, no matter how well you like that situation now, it may not last.
(9) Do you think of the partner as being a part of your whole life? If so, and these dreams seem good, that is an indication of love.
An even better way to evaluate your love is to read The Love Test by Harold Bessell (1984). It is threatening to honestly assess our love for someone but this book is helpful, informative, and interesting. It is sometimes hard to tell the difference among sex, love, and infatuation.
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