Back in August, I thought the moving home and starting over again was all going to be wonderful.
It has proven to be quite the challenge. We got some news in September, that what we thought would be a little problem, was going to change things dramatically.
You see, it's about Jake- my dear sweet son who wouldn't hurt a fly. Over the years, I have written about dozens of his adventures and his trials. But I didn't know that the worst one was yet to come.
About 2 years ago a police officer kept coming to the house asking to talk to him, but refusing to tell me what it was about. Then after 5 months of this, he finally told me that a neighbor kid had accused Jake of molesting her. No witnesses, no specific date, vague details. I was floored and hired an attorney. Because of the seizures, he isn't alone or without adult supervision, so the likelihood of this having happened is really slim.
The day I gave him the retainer and asked that he work something out with the officer to allay his fears, the lawyer was in a car accident. Unfortunately, the lady at his office thought we didn't need that information. Two weeks went by and I didn't hear anything from either the officer or the lawyer.
Then I got a call from the YDC nursing department saying that Jake had been arrested and that they needed his medications.
I think my heart stopped.
even writing it again it makes my heart stop.
He was charged as an adult, despite the fact that he was 15 when this allegedly happened and that his mental age is a couple years younger than that. Without a witness, a date, or any collaboration, one person saying he did something without any corroboration or physical evidence had put Jake in jail.
I called the lawyers office, only to find that he had been in a car accident and had not been back to work - something I was not made aware of - and had not called the officer. Great, so the officer moved forward thinking that we were just ignoring him. Not good.
I had to scramble to find another lawyer and work to get Jake released.
The guilt was overwhelming. While this is not normal stuff to deal with, I thought I should have been able to protect him from this. I didn't sleep, I forgot to eat and I felt like a zombie version of myself. It wasn't good for either of us. Jake looked awful and there was a darkness in his eyes that I had never seen before.
On his 17th birthday, still being held without a bail agreement, they sent him to the adult county lockup. He was strip searched and put into the showers with a dozen other grown men. I cannot begin to tell you how difficult it is to forgive the people who did this to him - but I have to.
Our lawyer was able to get a bond agreement, but it eliminated his ability to do anything social- no youth group, no going to school, nothing where he might be around anyone under 16.
Keep in mind, that the prosecution still only has one witness and then, in the police report, there are three other conflicting testimonies of hearing about the incident.
These people were supposed to be our friends - they are our backyard neighbors, their kids played at my house - and yet, they went to the police first and NEVER said anything to me about this.
So in this county, if someone is convicted of child molestation there is a mandatory 25 year sentence. No early parole, no negotiation, just the sentence in prison.
We talked at length to our lawyer - then to be sure, talked to four other lawyers who handled these types of cases - all said the same thing: that there was absolutely no way they take these to trial and the the accused has to agree to a plea deal. Jake would be going to jail despite the fact that he is innocent and did not have a fair trial.
Frankly, even if it wasn't my son we were talking about, I'd tell you that was bullshit.
I have friends, dear friends, who have suffered at the hands of a sexual molester - I know what it can do to someone. But to condone this witchhunt where people are forced to go to jail without evidence - just on one person's word - is perilous at best. It is a sad commentary on where we are as a society that this is just accepted by the legal system. I was told by a prominent lawyer that "there is no movement to change the way this works."
And on the the real question: On October 10th, Jake agreed to a plea deal that would allow him to serve his time in a youth detention center - a Juvenile center, not prison. He could be there for up to 2 years. And he didn't do this. He spent his 18th birthday in jail and without family.
His attitude is good - we had a long time to prepare for this possibility and he is looking at it like military school. He is back in classes which the bond agreement denied him - and despite the kids and the problems that brought them there - he has found some guys to buddy up with and for the most part, it has been a reasonable experience for him. After a year of being surrounded by just his immediate family, he was ready for some socialization that didn't include us. Oh, and the food is good. For a guy who is 6'4" 270# that is a good thing. We are able to go see him twice a week and he is able to call at least once a week. We are sending letters and I have had a number of friends send them as well.
To be honest, I know that God will make this situation work out for the good for Jake. His heart is in the right place and he expressed more worry about how I am doing than about himself. He is a strong kid, he does well with structure and he is still allowed to contact his family - and we know he is innocent.
What I don't know is if there is a way to protect other families from what happened to us. This happened over a month ago and I am just now able to write about it. What forced me to make this public, though, is that the parole officer I talked to, who only handles kids who have been accused of molestation, said that this happens all the time - that it only takes on person with a convincing story to put some kid in jail. That just is not right.
But the bottom line is: protecting our kids should not mean that we allow a miscarraige of justice - how do we teach our children that the law is to be respected and that the justice system works when people are railroaded through like this?
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Fairy Tales
You know what I just realized this weekend after watching yet another fairy tale- Snow White and the Huntsman? In fairy tales, the hero - or heroine - EXPECT to go through adversity and then when they get to the happily ever after part, they don't sign up to see a counselor or have "issues" because the big bad wolf swallowed their grandmother. They are sad, they mourn the loss of whatever it is they lost, and they move forward.
Those heroes get on with their lives and move past it - leaving history where it belongs - safely behind them and the future securely ahead of them.
The adversity makes them stronger - tests their resolve, steels theit will. But it doesn't break them, even when it seems hopeless.
I seem to be having a lot of conversations these days with people who are letting the demons and monsters of their past trials still impact who they are today - allowing fear to dominate their lives rather than hope. If you are going to continue to let those monsters rule your life, then why escape from them in the first place?
We have had our share of adversity - but I will not let it define my future.
Those heroes get on with their lives and move past it - leaving history where it belongs - safely behind them and the future securely ahead of them.
The adversity makes them stronger - tests their resolve, steels theit will. But it doesn't break them, even when it seems hopeless.
I seem to be having a lot of conversations these days with people who are letting the demons and monsters of their past trials still impact who they are today - allowing fear to dominate their lives rather than hope. If you are going to continue to let those monsters rule your life, then why escape from them in the first place?
We have had our share of adversity - but I will not let it define my future.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
A Leap of Faith
It has been said that to act on something without tangible proof and very little direction is foolish - even reckless. But I know better. I remember clearly praying that I would get some direction about staying or moving 8 years ago- and the direction was super clear.
I believe that there are signs and indications that things are headed a certain way - little coincidences that are difficult to ignore and when added up together give rise to the hope of something marvelous on the horizon.
It was those little coincidences - that little nudge - that started this path and allowed me to find the person I have been looking for - the one I will spend the rest of my days with.
So four months ago I made the declaration that I was going to move home, marry my love and live happily ever after. Faith has guided me through.
Step one happens this weekend - all my things are packed and awaiting the truck to take them home. I am moving my things into his home with nothing more than a verbal committment on his part - and the knowledge that moving home is where I have been destined for a long time. I should be nervous about this - but instead, there is a peace and calm like this was totally the Plan the whole time.
My things are packed, truck reservations made, vacation scheduled and now all that stands between me and a move home are the hours of the next few days.
When I come home I will put my house on the market and take another step toward home.
Gotta say that standing on the precipice is thrilling- I am so excited about what this future holds.
Stay tuned - I'm sure there will be an adventure in this move process!
I believe that there are signs and indications that things are headed a certain way - little coincidences that are difficult to ignore and when added up together give rise to the hope of something marvelous on the horizon.
It was those little coincidences - that little nudge - that started this path and allowed me to find the person I have been looking for - the one I will spend the rest of my days with.
So four months ago I made the declaration that I was going to move home, marry my love and live happily ever after. Faith has guided me through.
Step one happens this weekend - all my things are packed and awaiting the truck to take them home. I am moving my things into his home with nothing more than a verbal committment on his part - and the knowledge that moving home is where I have been destined for a long time. I should be nervous about this - but instead, there is a peace and calm like this was totally the Plan the whole time.
My things are packed, truck reservations made, vacation scheduled and now all that stands between me and a move home are the hours of the next few days.
When I come home I will put my house on the market and take another step toward home.
Gotta say that standing on the precipice is thrilling- I am so excited about what this future holds.
Stay tuned - I'm sure there will be an adventure in this move process!
Five Years and Counting
It seems like just the other day that my Dad would call me and tell me things were going to be alright - or that I didn't have the luxury of falling apart so I had better figure something out. I'd be happy to hear either from him these days.
I miss him.
Five years ago we were getting ready for his funeral and I couldn't have predicted the way things would turn out. I remember when I got married that I had hoped that when the day came, my partner would be able to stand beside me and I could fall apart. Eh, that didn't exactly happen- instead it became the pivotal moment when the love I had for him stopped and I knew it was over. I still think Dad had a hand in that - I would have tortured myself for years trying to make something work out of all those pieces.
The funny thing is that we use Dad as a reference point - when things are going well or the kids do something particularly ingenious, I will tell them: well of course you can do that, You are Dave Loner's grandchild. It's in your nature. And they just beam because there is no greater compliment in this house.
We are headed back to Logansport on Monday for a family gathering, and for the first time in a couple years, I'll go back to where his gravesite is. He made the wooden crosses out of cedar, and we put a plaque on them - I think Mom has since gotten something a little bolder - but personally, I like the cedar crosses.
I was thinking today that I hope he is looking down and saying that he thinks we are doing a pretty good job considering the information we are working with and that he'd be proud of us.
I miss him.
Five years ago we were getting ready for his funeral and I couldn't have predicted the way things would turn out. I remember when I got married that I had hoped that when the day came, my partner would be able to stand beside me and I could fall apart. Eh, that didn't exactly happen- instead it became the pivotal moment when the love I had for him stopped and I knew it was over. I still think Dad had a hand in that - I would have tortured myself for years trying to make something work out of all those pieces.
The funny thing is that we use Dad as a reference point - when things are going well or the kids do something particularly ingenious, I will tell them: well of course you can do that, You are Dave Loner's grandchild. It's in your nature. And they just beam because there is no greater compliment in this house.
We are headed back to Logansport on Monday for a family gathering, and for the first time in a couple years, I'll go back to where his gravesite is. He made the wooden crosses out of cedar, and we put a plaque on them - I think Mom has since gotten something a little bolder - but personally, I like the cedar crosses.
I was thinking today that I hope he is looking down and saying that he thinks we are doing a pretty good job considering the information we are working with and that he'd be proud of us.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Threads of my Old Life
I liked living in Indiana - loved the winters when the ground was covered in snow, even when I had to shovel it, loved going to the zoo with my kids as babies and talking to the bears and the penguins, loved watching the Indians play and the decadence of beer and hot dogs as dinner, loved the buzz of Broad Ripple on a Friday night and the comfort of driving into Logansport crossing the Eel River and feeling like somehow the core of being home was just over that bridge.
I knew good people when I lived there - giving back to the community was a way of life - and I have been blessed by some friends here who have that same attitude. But I have always liked how we take care of each other back home. I have friends who have gone to the same parish since they were kids and don't think twice about getting out their checkbook or opening up their calendar to pitch in. I like that - because that is the way I am too.
I remember when we came here and then when Mom sold the lake house in Buffalo, that I thought there would never be a day that I would go back to Indiana. Shows what I know.
And now I find myself putting together the threads of my old life - old friends contacted through the magic of Facebook make it seem so much closer to my old life than it had ever been before. I realize that I cut those threads, though, all by myself. I have a bit of wanderlust, but that wasn't the whole thing. Once I had kids in my early 20s and all of my schoolmates did not, I felt like a third wheel and just stopped hanging out with the people I can't wait to see now. I cut those ties by not returning calls and not going to events that I know now I should have attended - those ties are important. What do we know when we are that young - not as much as we should!
I am so excited because I have cousins who are just a couple years older than my kids who are having babies themselves - our reunion over Labor Day will be chock full of babies - can hardly wait! I've missed out and I don't want to miss out any more.
Which leads me to the point of all this - the waiting.
There are a number of threads which have not just wound neatly to form the rope to pull me home. A couple of legal entanglements, a house to sell, a transfer to acquire- these seem like such big items. But I realized this weekend that fussing over these is a matter of Faith. If I really believe that God watches over me and that this is His Plan for my life, can I also believe that He would leave me hanging to just trudge through this alone? Um, no. I hate the waiting, but I know that sometimes navigating sticky situations requires a patience that I don't have inherently, so I have to squint my eyes and concentrate on being patient and trudging along. I am determined to keep packing, keep pushing forward, keep listening until it is truly time to go.
And that is where I find myself right now: with a distant view of a new life that will incorporate the most beautiful aspects of my old life. One that will require me to stay the course and keep getting my house ready to sell, my kids ready to be on their own and my heart ready to live with the love of my life. No small tasks - but since God will help me because I am helping myself, I know that it will be okay.
I knew good people when I lived there - giving back to the community was a way of life - and I have been blessed by some friends here who have that same attitude. But I have always liked how we take care of each other back home. I have friends who have gone to the same parish since they were kids and don't think twice about getting out their checkbook or opening up their calendar to pitch in. I like that - because that is the way I am too.
I remember when we came here and then when Mom sold the lake house in Buffalo, that I thought there would never be a day that I would go back to Indiana. Shows what I know.
And now I find myself putting together the threads of my old life - old friends contacted through the magic of Facebook make it seem so much closer to my old life than it had ever been before. I realize that I cut those threads, though, all by myself. I have a bit of wanderlust, but that wasn't the whole thing. Once I had kids in my early 20s and all of my schoolmates did not, I felt like a third wheel and just stopped hanging out with the people I can't wait to see now. I cut those ties by not returning calls and not going to events that I know now I should have attended - those ties are important. What do we know when we are that young - not as much as we should!
I am so excited because I have cousins who are just a couple years older than my kids who are having babies themselves - our reunion over Labor Day will be chock full of babies - can hardly wait! I've missed out and I don't want to miss out any more.
Which leads me to the point of all this - the waiting.
There are a number of threads which have not just wound neatly to form the rope to pull me home. A couple of legal entanglements, a house to sell, a transfer to acquire- these seem like such big items. But I realized this weekend that fussing over these is a matter of Faith. If I really believe that God watches over me and that this is His Plan for my life, can I also believe that He would leave me hanging to just trudge through this alone? Um, no. I hate the waiting, but I know that sometimes navigating sticky situations requires a patience that I don't have inherently, so I have to squint my eyes and concentrate on being patient and trudging along. I am determined to keep packing, keep pushing forward, keep listening until it is truly time to go.
And that is where I find myself right now: with a distant view of a new life that will incorporate the most beautiful aspects of my old life. One that will require me to stay the course and keep getting my house ready to sell, my kids ready to be on their own and my heart ready to live with the love of my life. No small tasks - but since God will help me because I am helping myself, I know that it will be okay.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Storm Clouds
Today as I was driving along with Jake in the van, the sun was out and we were remarking that at 108 degrees, it was like a sauna even inside the van.
I have a friend who is saving moving boxes for me, so we stopped to organize the van, then to move the boxes and we were on our way.
About ten minutes toward home, we noticed that there were some low dark clouds coming over the passenger side. The radio was off because we were talking and as we continued we could see the line on the horizon where the rain was obviously pouring down- it looked like there was no where we could turn to avoid it, so we kept going forward and prepared for the storm. I need new tires, so I scooted over into the right lane and slowed down, trying to be cognizant of my limitations. Then we turned on the lights and the fog lights just in case.
First came the wind which seemed to be coming from every direction, and the swirling clouds overhead which were so distracting because I kept waiting for them to turn into a tornado any minute- they were so low it seemed I could touch them through the sunroof.
The temperature dropped 40 degrees and the rain started in fat drops on the windshield. Funny thing about being in a storm - you are so preoccupied with handling the storm and what is immediately in front of you that you can miss out on everything else surrounding you. A big twister could have come through a stand of trees and I would have missed it - because I was busy trying to stay on the road and manage the rain. Lightning was everywhere in blue blazes cutting across the gray sky - visible even through my mottled windshield.
We made it home in one piece - no more worse for wear adn with a great story to tell about how the wind whipped us around and the rain pounded the car.
But the point of this really isn't about the rain- it is about those low dark storm clouds which stirred up fear - to the point that I finally asked Jake to stop talking about them.
That fear and the concentratio on the clouds was distracting - and kept me from focusing my full attention on the road in front of me as I kept trying to steal a glimpse of what he was talking about and plan for a possibility that was improbable.
We had some other storm clouds this morning - of an entirely different nature - and they are threatening to bring twisters and wind which could throw us off coarse.
I learned something today: keep focused on what is most important, keep moving forward, and stop trying to glimpse at something that is a possibility rather than the absolute that is right in front of me. If I keep looking over my shoulder, I will end up missing the hazards in front of me - and I have to pay attention. Just because it is noisy and full of threats, doesn't mean it is really any danger.
I needed that lesson today - Thanks for that.
I have a friend who is saving moving boxes for me, so we stopped to organize the van, then to move the boxes and we were on our way.
About ten minutes toward home, we noticed that there were some low dark clouds coming over the passenger side. The radio was off because we were talking and as we continued we could see the line on the horizon where the rain was obviously pouring down- it looked like there was no where we could turn to avoid it, so we kept going forward and prepared for the storm. I need new tires, so I scooted over into the right lane and slowed down, trying to be cognizant of my limitations. Then we turned on the lights and the fog lights just in case.
First came the wind which seemed to be coming from every direction, and the swirling clouds overhead which were so distracting because I kept waiting for them to turn into a tornado any minute- they were so low it seemed I could touch them through the sunroof.
The temperature dropped 40 degrees and the rain started in fat drops on the windshield. Funny thing about being in a storm - you are so preoccupied with handling the storm and what is immediately in front of you that you can miss out on everything else surrounding you. A big twister could have come through a stand of trees and I would have missed it - because I was busy trying to stay on the road and manage the rain. Lightning was everywhere in blue blazes cutting across the gray sky - visible even through my mottled windshield.
We made it home in one piece - no more worse for wear adn with a great story to tell about how the wind whipped us around and the rain pounded the car.
But the point of this really isn't about the rain- it is about those low dark storm clouds which stirred up fear - to the point that I finally asked Jake to stop talking about them.
That fear and the concentratio on the clouds was distracting - and kept me from focusing my full attention on the road in front of me as I kept trying to steal a glimpse of what he was talking about and plan for a possibility that was improbable.
We had some other storm clouds this morning - of an entirely different nature - and they are threatening to bring twisters and wind which could throw us off coarse.
I learned something today: keep focused on what is most important, keep moving forward, and stop trying to glimpse at something that is a possibility rather than the absolute that is right in front of me. If I keep looking over my shoulder, I will end up missing the hazards in front of me - and I have to pay attention. Just because it is noisy and full of threats, doesn't mean it is really any danger.
I needed that lesson today - Thanks for that.
Monday, July 16, 2012
So lets get on with the Blessings part, shall we?
Nicole, of Nicole and Charlie fame, was here yesterday - she looks great, she sounds great, she has found her purpose and her life by ministering to the very people who are in a spot like the one she found herself in. Forget business school, she is becoming a social worker when she starts classes in the fall. And how cool is it that she is a teacher's assistant in a school system in Albquerque which can really use her compassion. Charlie is thriving - and all in all her story has a happy ending. How incredibly cool is it when God puts us in the right place at the right time and says: hey step up and this will be good? It is way past good -and I feel blessed that we were able to be a part of that story.
Jake had a medication increase - and we are now at 3 weeks of seizure-free-ness. Hoping for a lot more- but thankful for what we have so far. The timing for a move couldn't be better because he is due to see an adult neuro- so we'll find one in Indy. Also in the blessing column, the ability for him to spend time with his other brother and sister who are now old enough to help drive him about. This will be a great opportunity for him to start over - and honestly, that is what a good mother does: give your kid the best shot at a happy life he can have.
My daughter and son are showing what they are really made of - looking at apartment and housing options, working extra hours, helping watch Jake so I can work. It is no surprise, they are of course, Dave Loner's grandkids so what else would we expect, but it is wonderful to see it come to fruition. They are gonna do great and when the apron-strings are cut- look out 'cause they are gonna fly!
Things are really coming together in the house and I should be ready to list it in just a couple more weeks - just in time!
and I humbled to tell you the last blessing- something I had only hoped for in the secret places of my heart - I am in love with a man that I trust to be true to me. And for the first time in forever, I have someone that is willing to dedicate himself to me and to our life - you know what, every evening he takes the time to talk to me and go over a devotional we are using for couples to strengthen their relationships. He is in effect doing the counseling before there is ever a problem, forming a strong foundation and if I knew nothing else about him, I would love him for being dedicated enough to me to share his thoughts and his faith with me. What a blessing it is to have a Godly man. I am truly humbled and still blush when I tell people about him.
Jake had a medication increase - and we are now at 3 weeks of seizure-free-ness. Hoping for a lot more- but thankful for what we have so far. The timing for a move couldn't be better because he is due to see an adult neuro- so we'll find one in Indy. Also in the blessing column, the ability for him to spend time with his other brother and sister who are now old enough to help drive him about. This will be a great opportunity for him to start over - and honestly, that is what a good mother does: give your kid the best shot at a happy life he can have.
My daughter and son are showing what they are really made of - looking at apartment and housing options, working extra hours, helping watch Jake so I can work. It is no surprise, they are of course, Dave Loner's grandkids so what else would we expect, but it is wonderful to see it come to fruition. They are gonna do great and when the apron-strings are cut- look out 'cause they are gonna fly!
Things are really coming together in the house and I should be ready to list it in just a couple more weeks - just in time!
and I humbled to tell you the last blessing- something I had only hoped for in the secret places of my heart - I am in love with a man that I trust to be true to me. And for the first time in forever, I have someone that is willing to dedicate himself to me and to our life - you know what, every evening he takes the time to talk to me and go over a devotional we are using for couples to strengthen their relationships. He is in effect doing the counseling before there is ever a problem, forming a strong foundation and if I knew nothing else about him, I would love him for being dedicated enough to me to share his thoughts and his faith with me. What a blessing it is to have a Godly man. I am truly humbled and still blush when I tell people about him.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
This is what happy looks like
I look like myself
I feel like myself
And finally I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Both of my older kids are moving to their own places when I sell the house. For the first time in 21 years I will be down to just one child in the house and he is pretty self-sufficient.
I love being a mother- it is a huge part of my identity, but I am ready for some freedom and more ready to stop cleaning up after other people.
Don't get me wrong, they are great about helping out, but the baseline household responsibility is mine- if I don't ask, it doesn't get done and ghosts fill up the sink and use the last bit of cheese.
LOOK OUT LIFE- I'm coming at you with guns blazing and it is gonna be fun!!
The Size of yourWorry reflects the Size of your Faith
Funny thing is that I don't hesitate for a minute in believing that miracles happen to people all the time - a lady just this week, was hit by lightening moments after telling her grandsons to run inside. Not only did she survive, but her injuries were minimal and she has told the story repeatedly to spread the news of her miracle.
We have experienced miracle after miracle as Jake has had seizures in places that should have resulted in serious bodily injury ( hot stoves, glass counters, sharp knives, firepits) and each time, he has minor injuries and a great story.
It was nothing short of a miracle that we escaped unscathed from an abuser who wanted to bury us in the backyard 8 years ago.
On Sunday, I was overwhelmed with the notion that if I am genuinely worried about finding a job when I get to Indy, I need only ask for a miracle. I don't ask - actually I don't think I have ever asked for something for myself except for a miracle to heal Jake's epilepsy.
So I did.
I asked to stay with my current employer and asked that if that wasn't His will for me, that He be very clear in telling me where He wants me.
What followed was remarkable.
I feel at peace, I know things will work out - and not in that superficial bullshit way that we "know things" so that we won't drive ourselves crazy- but that deep knowing that wherever I am intended to be, I will be.
Now I am ready for Nicole to come this weekend and move her things and the staging has begun so that I'll have an apartment-worth of furniture for both my older kids to start their new lives. This is SO EXCITING!!!!
We have experienced miracle after miracle as Jake has had seizures in places that should have resulted in serious bodily injury ( hot stoves, glass counters, sharp knives, firepits) and each time, he has minor injuries and a great story.
It was nothing short of a miracle that we escaped unscathed from an abuser who wanted to bury us in the backyard 8 years ago.
On Sunday, I was overwhelmed with the notion that if I am genuinely worried about finding a job when I get to Indy, I need only ask for a miracle. I don't ask - actually I don't think I have ever asked for something for myself except for a miracle to heal Jake's epilepsy.
So I did.
I asked to stay with my current employer and asked that if that wasn't His will for me, that He be very clear in telling me where He wants me.
What followed was remarkable.
I feel at peace, I know things will work out - and not in that superficial bullshit way that we "know things" so that we won't drive ourselves crazy- but that deep knowing that wherever I am intended to be, I will be.
Now I am ready for Nicole to come this weekend and move her things and the staging has begun so that I'll have an apartment-worth of furniture for both my older kids to start their new lives. This is SO EXCITING!!!!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Something to Talk About
Well, it is official, I am moving back to Indianapolis. There, I said it outloud.
Now comes the fun part. Packing and sorting and most difficult is being patient while everything falls into place.
Much like our move here, I have placed my life in the Hands of God which thusfar, has always worked out so much better than anything I could have planned out myself.
It took a while, but once I finally submitted and just became thankful for that which He has given me, a sense of utter calm has pervaded over the past few days, thus necessitating a post and public acknowledgement.
Already, people I've known since I moved here almost 8 years ago have a lot to say about this particular move back. My two older kids are probably staying in Atlanta - they are grown and can certainly take care of themselves, so that works for me. You cannot abandon adults who were invited to go with you and declined. My youngest is still under 18 and will go with me - so my actual child is not being abandoned.
But it is the other part that will make tongues wag.
They will say that we moved too quickly
That we couldn't possibly know this soon
That we were rash
They will say that we had a whirlwind romance
That we seem to be in our own little world
That we were made for each other
That we feed off each other's energy
That we are happy as clams
Then they will say that we worked hard and loved each other in a way worthy of a love story - that we wrote our own love story, co-authored by God.
They will say that this is what love looks like.
I adore love stories
and before this I thought those stories of love where people just knew were utter hogwash.
I have seen glimpses of it - my friend Spencer, when he found his wife - there was this magic. And my friend Jeanna- when I saw her with her husband there was this energy that defied explaination - definitely the real thing. But those are glimpses, they don't show up all the time, so it hardly seemed real.
But I did just know....and more important than that, he just knew too.
For the first time ever - I didn't have to convince someone that I was worthy of loving only to lose them later on when I had moments that I was unloveable. It was like that moment when Mr Darcy comes back to say that he loved her, when Jamie carved his initial and Claire's in their palms, when Frankenstein fell in love with his bride. He knew me and loved me long before I ever kissed him- and now, having my last first kiss, I understand all the things I went through over these long days was to get me ready to be a good partner to a man who loves me back.
and my only regret is that I didn't find you sooner.
Now comes the fun part. Packing and sorting and most difficult is being patient while everything falls into place.
Much like our move here, I have placed my life in the Hands of God which thusfar, has always worked out so much better than anything I could have planned out myself.
It took a while, but once I finally submitted and just became thankful for that which He has given me, a sense of utter calm has pervaded over the past few days, thus necessitating a post and public acknowledgement.
Already, people I've known since I moved here almost 8 years ago have a lot to say about this particular move back. My two older kids are probably staying in Atlanta - they are grown and can certainly take care of themselves, so that works for me. You cannot abandon adults who were invited to go with you and declined. My youngest is still under 18 and will go with me - so my actual child is not being abandoned.
But it is the other part that will make tongues wag.
They will say that we moved too quickly
That we couldn't possibly know this soon
That we were rash
They will say that we had a whirlwind romance
That we seem to be in our own little world
That we were made for each other
That we feed off each other's energy
That we are happy as clams
Then they will say that we worked hard and loved each other in a way worthy of a love story - that we wrote our own love story, co-authored by God.
They will say that this is what love looks like.
I adore love stories
and before this I thought those stories of love where people just knew were utter hogwash.
I have seen glimpses of it - my friend Spencer, when he found his wife - there was this magic. And my friend Jeanna- when I saw her with her husband there was this energy that defied explaination - definitely the real thing. But those are glimpses, they don't show up all the time, so it hardly seemed real.
But I did just know....and more important than that, he just knew too.
For the first time ever - I didn't have to convince someone that I was worthy of loving only to lose them later on when I had moments that I was unloveable. It was like that moment when Mr Darcy comes back to say that he loved her, when Jamie carved his initial and Claire's in their palms, when Frankenstein fell in love with his bride. He knew me and loved me long before I ever kissed him- and now, having my last first kiss, I understand all the things I went through over these long days was to get me ready to be a good partner to a man who loves me back.
and my only regret is that I didn't find you sooner.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Stuff
It has occurred to me, now that we are moving again, that I have a lot of stuff.
Don't get me wrong, some of that is a necessity, trying to make sure that when Jerra and Josh move into their own places, they will have enough to set up house. I think we've got enough- and then some: three couches, three TVs, three sets of cast iron pans, dozens of towels and sheets and plates and...you get the idea.
When I was talking to my Love yesterday, he mentioned that he'd like to build furniture for our house.
I love that idea- having a personal touch- the time and energy spent sanding and finishing and the ability to say we made it ourselves.
The best part is that other than the few necessities, I could move home with just a UHaul- and I simply LOVE that idea.
I spent the weekend going through my closet- it took very little effort to identify three bags of clothes 8 don't wear and don't need.
I mention this because we have been talking a lot about stewardship, sharing what we have with people who don't have it. This move has already blessed me with a hope I hesitated to believe in, and now it will give me the opportunity to give away and bless others in their need.
The ways that God works things out for us when we just let him are amazing- and I am humbled when I think of what He has blessed us with.
Monday, May 28, 2012
25 Things about me....
1. I lost the soprano range of my voice singing at dime beer night at the Blue Bird when John Mellencamp came to play the 3rd set. I couldn't talk for 6 weeks. ( this is mind blowing, I know)
2. My dad's obituary got messed up in the Indianapolis paper and lots of people he knew didn't even know he died, I regret that I let my mom talk me out of republishing it.
3. We spent one perfect day in Minnesota while we were at Mayo Clinic pretending that Dad wasn't sick and enjoying the outdoors - we went to Wabasha ( see #4)
4. I love the Grumpy Old Men movies
5. I met my best friend at Parents without Partners while we were both hitting on the same man - neither of us kept him.
6. My grandmother ended up married to the priest who married her - about 5 years after he left ordained life. She loved ladybugs and I see them everywhere.
7. The first boy I dated didn't know my age - and he was 6 years older than me - yikes! 8. I want to grow up to be Aunt Meg in Twister - minus the tornados.
9. I get along with most all of my exs - in some cases better than when we were together.
10. I rode the mechanical bull while listening to David Allen Coe at that bar in Dallas
11. I have been a mom since I was 20
12. I'd have 10 more kids if I could - not that it is advisable.
13. I stopped lying about my age when I turned 21 and could buy bourbon legally
14. I hate shoes and socks -and short of glass or ice, will go barefoot outside even when it is freezing
15. My parents were born in the same hospital 13 days apart and were together in school from the 1st grade.
16. I can still throw a wicked spiral right in the numbers - a result of being Dave Loner's daughter,.
17. I lettered in Football and Basketball as a trainer in highschool - but I still have the letters
18. Stephanie Rogers paid a boy that we knew to kiss me in 8th grade.
19. I would rather fall asleep outside in the sunshine than alone in bed at night.
20. I love being Catholic- won't try to convert you but will not hide what it has done for me either
21. Lora and I have stories we will take to our grave - they were that good
22. The kids and I almost slid to our death coming over the Lukachukai Mountains when the road from Farmington iced over. We stopped about 5 inches from the edge of a cliff.
23. I saw the Indy 500 from the infield - more times than I care to admit.
24. I worked as an ER nurse in a small hospital in Monticello and held several peoples hands as they crossed
25. I have almost no planning skills - if there is money in the bank, I like to just go
2. My dad's obituary got messed up in the Indianapolis paper and lots of people he knew didn't even know he died, I regret that I let my mom talk me out of republishing it.
3. We spent one perfect day in Minnesota while we were at Mayo Clinic pretending that Dad wasn't sick and enjoying the outdoors - we went to Wabasha ( see #4)
4. I love the Grumpy Old Men movies
5. I met my best friend at Parents without Partners while we were both hitting on the same man - neither of us kept him.
6. My grandmother ended up married to the priest who married her - about 5 years after he left ordained life. She loved ladybugs and I see them everywhere.
7. The first boy I dated didn't know my age - and he was 6 years older than me - yikes! 8. I want to grow up to be Aunt Meg in Twister - minus the tornados.
9. I get along with most all of my exs - in some cases better than when we were together.
10. I rode the mechanical bull while listening to David Allen Coe at that bar in Dallas
11. I have been a mom since I was 20
12. I'd have 10 more kids if I could - not that it is advisable.
13. I stopped lying about my age when I turned 21 and could buy bourbon legally
14. I hate shoes and socks -and short of glass or ice, will go barefoot outside even when it is freezing
15. My parents were born in the same hospital 13 days apart and were together in school from the 1st grade.
16. I can still throw a wicked spiral right in the numbers - a result of being Dave Loner's daughter,.
17. I lettered in Football and Basketball as a trainer in highschool - but I still have the letters
18. Stephanie Rogers paid a boy that we knew to kiss me in 8th grade.
19. I would rather fall asleep outside in the sunshine than alone in bed at night.
20. I love being Catholic- won't try to convert you but will not hide what it has done for me either
21. Lora and I have stories we will take to our grave - they were that good
22. The kids and I almost slid to our death coming over the Lukachukai Mountains when the road from Farmington iced over. We stopped about 5 inches from the edge of a cliff.
23. I saw the Indy 500 from the infield - more times than I care to admit.
24. I worked as an ER nurse in a small hospital in Monticello and held several peoples hands as they crossed
25. I have almost no planning skills - if there is money in the bank, I like to just go
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Nothing says America like shooting something inanimate
About 8 months ago I met this wonderful man who runs a guns store. His store and his house just exude masculinity with leather chairs, huge TVs and deer heads mounted on the wall. I knew we'd be friends from the first time I talked to him on the phone - and we are.
At our first meeting, he asked about what I used to protect myself when I was going to a person's house. I proceeded to give him a very stupid blank stare- I'm a nurse, I don't carry weapons for Pete's sake. He was aghast and got up from the table to get a knife for me to carry. I still have it in my van- but I just cannot see whipping that thing out like something out of West Side Story, but it is reassuring to have.
So months went by and we had conversations about personal protection. Being a purveyor, he has some really cool stuff and the more comfortable I got with that equipment, the more I wanted one.
And so it was that when my tax check came in I became a real American and exercised my Second Amendment rights and purchased a piece of Smith&Wesson's latest. I followed Mark's advice and bought what he suggested and have been very pleased.
The truth is that guns scare me - I've seen what they can do to people in The ER and it isn't pretty. I took that baby to the range and ran through several hundred rounds until I could hold it without shaking. Then came the cost sale...and one of my friends got a shotgun for skeet shooting and home defense....I fell in love right then.
I called my friend and told him I had the bug and he set me up with a beautiful Remington with a manageable weight- because, as he noted, I am still a girl even though I have muscular arms (thanks alot buddy).
My favorite thing about this friend is his quick sense of humor- he is one of those guys whose one-liners have you in stitches begging for mercy and breath. He does his own radio commercials and the one for Memorial Day had the title in the tagline- priceless and funny.
I've been blessed in a number of ways this year, but this friendship has been one of the best. He has shown me that I can love a man as my friend and be comfortable without being romantic. Proves that you just never know what will happen or who will come across your path. p
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
The Escapees of Tin Loong
I am in the North Georgia mountains today. Such an eclectic mix of people- mountain foks who have lived here for generations, retirees from Atlanta with money, and old hippies - lots of old hippies.
I stopped at the local Chinese Buffet - if I am gonna get my vegetables and do something more about my waistline, I have to eat something other than fast food - and they have wonderful vegetables at this little buffet, so I nearly always eat there.
I was preoccupied, reading love notes, to be honest. I am sure I had a silly grin on my face - love notes do that to a girl.
A little white-haired lady came to my table with and asked to borrow a chair - I said sure and she immediately starts to move the chair while juggling her cane.
Holy cow - I get up to help her and find that she is moving the chair to the next table over. She thanks me...then the little man with the walker thanks me and starts to sit at the chair adjacent to mine. I tell him, he must be having a pretty good day - having lunch out with a whole group of pretty women. His wife moves him to the other side of the table - he says" sorry, honey, my wife is insisting that I sit by her instead"
Ha! Makes me giggle.
They thank me again for the chair ( which then gets me giggling because it isn't as though I built it for them or anything - I just moved it like a foot over)
Then the wives get up to get food from the buffet - leaving the two guys at the table.
Now I am back to reading my notes and there is a figure leaning over my table. The other older gentleman leans over and asks if I am busy
I'm reading email, I tell him
Well...
he leans way over the table to whisper to me
"we escaped from the nursing home. Don't listen to a thing we say, we don't get out much anymore"
The twinkle in his eye makes me wonder if this might just be true
And the giggles overtake me - those poor folks in the restaurant probably thought I was drunk.
There is nothing more charming than someone with a kind heart and an easy laugh - those cute little old men just made my day.
And wherever they are- I hope they enjoy their day of freedom!
I stopped at the local Chinese Buffet - if I am gonna get my vegetables and do something more about my waistline, I have to eat something other than fast food - and they have wonderful vegetables at this little buffet, so I nearly always eat there.
I was preoccupied, reading love notes, to be honest. I am sure I had a silly grin on my face - love notes do that to a girl.
A little white-haired lady came to my table with and asked to borrow a chair - I said sure and she immediately starts to move the chair while juggling her cane.
Holy cow - I get up to help her and find that she is moving the chair to the next table over. She thanks me...then the little man with the walker thanks me and starts to sit at the chair adjacent to mine. I tell him, he must be having a pretty good day - having lunch out with a whole group of pretty women. His wife moves him to the other side of the table - he says" sorry, honey, my wife is insisting that I sit by her instead"
Ha! Makes me giggle.
They thank me again for the chair ( which then gets me giggling because it isn't as though I built it for them or anything - I just moved it like a foot over)
Then the wives get up to get food from the buffet - leaving the two guys at the table.
Now I am back to reading my notes and there is a figure leaning over my table. The other older gentleman leans over and asks if I am busy
I'm reading email, I tell him
Well...
he leans way over the table to whisper to me
"we escaped from the nursing home. Don't listen to a thing we say, we don't get out much anymore"
The twinkle in his eye makes me wonder if this might just be true
And the giggles overtake me - those poor folks in the restaurant probably thought I was drunk.
There is nothing more charming than someone with a kind heart and an easy laugh - those cute little old men just made my day.
And wherever they are- I hope they enjoy their day of freedom!
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Just Sayin'
My feelings are hurt and I just need to vent this. Nothing worse than having someone act like they have you pegged when they really don't know you at all.
I am 44 years old. I pay monthly on the student loans which paid for my two bachelor's degrees that I earned while I was a single parent and working full time. Both times.
I have been a mother since I was 20.
I have survived not one but TWO husbands who tried to kill me and a couple of others who bankrupted me and a number of them who have been unfaithful and then bailed out when the going got tough.
I sat through my 3 year-olds 6 hour brain surgery and then took him and my other two kids under the age of 12 home by myself to continue single parenting while he recovered. His dad and new wife went home.
I have moved these same children to a number of different addresses because they are my responsibility and in order to make more money, we had to move to a better job. My middle son attended 13 different schools.
I watched my son have over 40 seizures in the past 18 months, including one which lasted nearly half and hour and three that were induced in a hospital. I sat with him for 5 days at Cleveland Clinic- his father called once. Hope it wasn't an inconvenience.
I did not use an epidural for any of my three kids, I was too worried about it's effect on the delivery. I will NEVER EVER have the experience of a loving husband who is so happy about the lovely child we just made.
I have watched my daughter struggle with trusting men. I hope that with counseling she'll get through it, but honestly, the only men so far that have actually done what they said they were going to do were my Dad and Jesus - and both of them are in Heaven.
I have moved more furniture and boxes and toys more times than most Army wives.
I watched my middle son struggle with depression and identity and substance abuse and felt so incredibly helpless when I figured out that all I could do was pray about it.
I am ridiculous about having food in the pantry and a full fridge and worry about being able to feed my family even when I have plenty of money.
We spent over $13,000 in medical expenses last year treating Jake's epilepsy.
I do not believe anything I have is actually mine, but that I am entrusted as a steward of these belongings and I am to take care of them. Thus, sharing becomes easier if it wasn't yours in the first place.
I don't say any of this so that you will think I am so wonderful or so brave.
I say it because I am not brave, I am scared and often lonely and have nothing in the history which is my life to back up the belief that someone will love me back some day and stay with me except blind faith.
My family said I am intimidating, because I appear like I don't need anyone. Who the hell doesn't need ANYONE?? Of course I do.
I say this not because I am strong, but because I was put in these impossible situations and didn't have anyone else step up, I had to. I don't know what that means exactly. My dad would say that it was because I didn't have the luxury of falling apart. Well, you know what, sometimes it would be nice to be the one who is allowed to fall apart and act like a girl.
I am 44 years old. I pay monthly on the student loans which paid for my two bachelor's degrees that I earned while I was a single parent and working full time. Both times.
I have been a mother since I was 20.
I have survived not one but TWO husbands who tried to kill me and a couple of others who bankrupted me and a number of them who have been unfaithful and then bailed out when the going got tough.
I sat through my 3 year-olds 6 hour brain surgery and then took him and my other two kids under the age of 12 home by myself to continue single parenting while he recovered. His dad and new wife went home.
I have moved these same children to a number of different addresses because they are my responsibility and in order to make more money, we had to move to a better job. My middle son attended 13 different schools.
I watched my son have over 40 seizures in the past 18 months, including one which lasted nearly half and hour and three that were induced in a hospital. I sat with him for 5 days at Cleveland Clinic- his father called once. Hope it wasn't an inconvenience.
I did not use an epidural for any of my three kids, I was too worried about it's effect on the delivery. I will NEVER EVER have the experience of a loving husband who is so happy about the lovely child we just made.
I have watched my daughter struggle with trusting men. I hope that with counseling she'll get through it, but honestly, the only men so far that have actually done what they said they were going to do were my Dad and Jesus - and both of them are in Heaven.
I have moved more furniture and boxes and toys more times than most Army wives.
I watched my middle son struggle with depression and identity and substance abuse and felt so incredibly helpless when I figured out that all I could do was pray about it.
I am ridiculous about having food in the pantry and a full fridge and worry about being able to feed my family even when I have plenty of money.
We spent over $13,000 in medical expenses last year treating Jake's epilepsy.
I do not believe anything I have is actually mine, but that I am entrusted as a steward of these belongings and I am to take care of them. Thus, sharing becomes easier if it wasn't yours in the first place.
I don't say any of this so that you will think I am so wonderful or so brave.
I say it because I am not brave, I am scared and often lonely and have nothing in the history which is my life to back up the belief that someone will love me back some day and stay with me except blind faith.
My family said I am intimidating, because I appear like I don't need anyone. Who the hell doesn't need ANYONE?? Of course I do.
I say this not because I am strong, but because I was put in these impossible situations and didn't have anyone else step up, I had to. I don't know what that means exactly. My dad would say that it was because I didn't have the luxury of falling apart. Well, you know what, sometimes it would be nice to be the one who is allowed to fall apart and act like a girl.
BUCKLE UP
My mom lives in Florida now, a result of having sold the lake house and moved to where there is a lot more to do. She relocated to The Villages, a retirement community for people who really want to maintain their active lifestyle - and she is never wanting for things to do or people to do them with. While it took me a long time to get over losing the lakehouse, I can clearly see that the move has brought her back to life and that she is happy - so it's well worth it. Lately, she has a friend who takes her for rides on his Harley. My mom does this. She may have been more of an adventurous soul than I thought! I love the idea of her experiencing the freedom of riding the open road - and at 73, what is the worst that could happen? Her life has an element of speed, something that normally I don't associate with her - but her daughter is intoxictated with speed...I like fast. ALOT.
I am a closet fan of TOP GEAR- and I love to watch those guys go fast and run amok. Growing up in Indy, I come by that addiction honestly- there is nothing like Indy in May - the roar of the engines at the speedway and everyone in town driving like they want to be Mario Andretti. Just writing about it brings to mind those cookouts at the neighbor's house where they would have a backup Indy car in the driveway - burgers grilling, beer flowing and the conversation of contented people.
In April, I celebrated my two friends' birthdays. I have had kind of a disjointed circle of friends since the divorce- mostly due to my own awkwardness - and I hate feeling like I might run into Justin at any moment - so I just declined invitations. Not my smartest move. At any rate, I went to the party and my friend Eileen had a bowl of fortune cookies as dessert (I don't eat cake, and I don't eat the cookie part either, usually). I opened the first one "buckle up" is what it said. We laughed and I declared that I'd be more careful with my seatbelt.
Then the conversation turned to my kids and I was pleased to report that Jerra and Josh both are working to try to get places of their own- I am soooo proud of their hard work and their willingness to do real labor to get what they want. Then Eileens boyfriend came back with the bowl of cookies- they insisted that I got shorted on my wily fortune - so I picked another one. Buckle up. Again. So now this is an admonition - I remark that I am a little afraid to drive home because it sounds like I am in for a bumpy ride.
So the cake comes around, we eat dinner, have a couple more Cokes and the last time the bowl with the cookies comes around. I cannot even make up how freaked out I was when I got the same fortune a third time. Truth is sooo much stranger than fiction.
We joked about this for days- and when I made it through without an accident or an issue - I figured I had avoided whatever the mishap was because I was buckled up.
But God has a sense of humor- recall that this is the creator of the platypus, and puppies who trip over their own feet - so it seems that it was a warning about the impending speed of my life.
The kids were planning to move out - but now their timeline is greatly increased as I am moving out of this house and into a new life. I wanted a change of scenery and more importantly, I was thinking of moving home because several of my close girlfriends are back home now - I'd like to grow old surrounded by these friends and also have my extended family. I was hoping that Jerra and Josh might go with me - the time hasn't come yet to make a final decision - but it is likely that my time of mothering three kids alone is almost over - just like that and nearly as quickly as it started. My time of being alone - almost over - starting a new life in a new home with my Love- so very near to reality that I can scarcely believe it. Hang on to something - we are going to go fast. I might want to buckle up- though it isn't particularly bumpy, it certainly is FAST.
I am a closet fan of TOP GEAR- and I love to watch those guys go fast and run amok. Growing up in Indy, I come by that addiction honestly- there is nothing like Indy in May - the roar of the engines at the speedway and everyone in town driving like they want to be Mario Andretti. Just writing about it brings to mind those cookouts at the neighbor's house where they would have a backup Indy car in the driveway - burgers grilling, beer flowing and the conversation of contented people.
In April, I celebrated my two friends' birthdays. I have had kind of a disjointed circle of friends since the divorce- mostly due to my own awkwardness - and I hate feeling like I might run into Justin at any moment - so I just declined invitations. Not my smartest move. At any rate, I went to the party and my friend Eileen had a bowl of fortune cookies as dessert (I don't eat cake, and I don't eat the cookie part either, usually). I opened the first one "buckle up" is what it said. We laughed and I declared that I'd be more careful with my seatbelt.
Then the conversation turned to my kids and I was pleased to report that Jerra and Josh both are working to try to get places of their own- I am soooo proud of their hard work and their willingness to do real labor to get what they want. Then Eileens boyfriend came back with the bowl of cookies- they insisted that I got shorted on my wily fortune - so I picked another one. Buckle up. Again. So now this is an admonition - I remark that I am a little afraid to drive home because it sounds like I am in for a bumpy ride.
So the cake comes around, we eat dinner, have a couple more Cokes and the last time the bowl with the cookies comes around. I cannot even make up how freaked out I was when I got the same fortune a third time. Truth is sooo much stranger than fiction.
We joked about this for days- and when I made it through without an accident or an issue - I figured I had avoided whatever the mishap was because I was buckled up.
But God has a sense of humor- recall that this is the creator of the platypus, and puppies who trip over their own feet - so it seems that it was a warning about the impending speed of my life.
The kids were planning to move out - but now their timeline is greatly increased as I am moving out of this house and into a new life. I wanted a change of scenery and more importantly, I was thinking of moving home because several of my close girlfriends are back home now - I'd like to grow old surrounded by these friends and also have my extended family. I was hoping that Jerra and Josh might go with me - the time hasn't come yet to make a final decision - but it is likely that my time of mothering three kids alone is almost over - just like that and nearly as quickly as it started. My time of being alone - almost over - starting a new life in a new home with my Love- so very near to reality that I can scarcely believe it. Hang on to something - we are going to go fast. I might want to buckle up- though it isn't particularly bumpy, it certainly is FAST.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Near Miss
When I drove by your house last year, I didn't even know it was you I was looking for. I only felt the joy and acceptance which had been a part of our childhood when I looked at that side door. Never imagined your parents were still there- wish now I had stopped by. I drove through the apartments where I had delivered the weekly newspaper. I saw the house at the end of my street - remember the one where they gave out hot chocolate and hot dogs for Halloween- one year we went there twice. I got out of my car and looked into that drainage culvert- remember when the rain would be heavy and that water was churning and deep? I could envision us climbing down the cement walls and crawling around the grate. I like the other part of the creek better- where we would catch crawdads and you could smell fresh cut grass wafting through the air.
I drove by my house, as though seeing those brick pillars would give me a moment of connection to my dad. I've been trying to find that version of myself- the bold and unafraid one- for quite some time and I hoped that seeing the place where I saw her last would help.
I went to the Reyburn's house and talked with one of the boys- the pool where we played sharks and minnows and Marco Polo a zillion times still looked the same.
I have such beautiful memories of that time and that place in our lives. My gosh, no wonder I thought the world wouldn't hurt me- we lived a wonderous life.
Tonight, though, I wonder if my friend is right: if I would have slowed down, would I have seen things differently. I don't like to torture myself with "what-ifs" but they do make me thankful that I said yes to dinner and discovered the miracle of falling in love with my friend.
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Friday, May 18, 2012
You're Amazing
Any of you have been following for a period of time will know that my love life is the stuff of Greek Tragedies: naked preachers, drunks, Peter Pan. It has not gone well - and I finally figured it out.
Knee-deep in my latest attempt to prove to someone that I was worth their time and energy and love the most remarkable thing happened. I found out what TRUE LOVE actually was.
I've had a crush on one of my friends for months now - and each encounter I would tell myself that things were getting better, moving forward, making progress. This fits the way it always goes, I work hard, and by virtue of receiving all that affection the object of my affection believes they are in love. Well, this one wasn't budging. He is a good man, and deserves someone great so I did something I've never done before: I turned it over to God.
For Lent, I went to daily Mass and each day I prayed for this man's heart and I prayed that God would watch over my soulmate because he must be as lonely as I am - trying to figure out why no one else fits.
10 days passed - nothing
20 days passed - nothing
30 days....well you get the picture.
Then on the Tuesday before Easter, I just couldn't take it anymore. I thought I had seen progress and then, nothing. I was really hurt and so I turned to the only Man I knew could help. I told Him that He knew my pain - that He knew I had tried to make it work before and it just didn't. I asked Him to show me what else I needed to change. And in perfect form- I cried until I fell asleep.
Then a miracle happened - but being a little dense, I didn't know it.
I got an email from one of my childhood friends - he was in Atlanta and wanted to know if there was anything fun to do here. We met for dinner - and what followed was easy conversation and lots of catching up. We closed down the restaurant.
Since it was so much fun, we tried it again the next night - again closing things down.
I didn't feel alone anymore - I had found a friend who had experienced a lot of the same things I had- and he was easy to talk to. It was awesome.
So weeks pass and the emails get more and more frequent.
Then I asked him if he had thought about kissing me - and it turns out he was still thinking about it.
This is odd to me because love is supposed to include making all these adjustments and melding lives and working to sync up to the object of your affection. I don't know what THIS is. I mean, I have heard it before, how people just click or just know - and I honestly thought it was bullshit - the stuff of romance novels.
Last weekend I went to see him - for two reasons.
One, I didn't have a definition for what this was- and I didn't want to mess up a great friendship with all this talk of kissing. A part of me thought that he'd kiss me and that would be it - it would be like kissing his brother or something and then we would shake our heads and agree that a friendship was best. This was honestly what I thought would happen - and since I was still in contact with the object of my infatuation and he had agreed to go to dinner and a movie - I wanted to be able to enjoy that without thinking about my friend from Indy.
Two, There was a spark at dinner and I found myself waiting anxiously for his emails and wanting to talk to him again. I can tell him anything and I have not had to be anything but honest. I love the things that he says and I knew there was the possibility that it might be magic.
Okay - so maybe that is the same reason - I had to know what was happening- and being an innately curious girl - I went to Indy.
And when I kissed him, all doubt was removed. It is like being home- there is laughter, teasing, joy and for the first time not only do I not have to hide who I am- he has disarmed my defences and I couldn't hide if I wanted to. I haven't changed anything and he loves me. What a miracle that is.
Knee-deep in my latest attempt to prove to someone that I was worth their time and energy and love the most remarkable thing happened. I found out what TRUE LOVE actually was.
I've had a crush on one of my friends for months now - and each encounter I would tell myself that things were getting better, moving forward, making progress. This fits the way it always goes, I work hard, and by virtue of receiving all that affection the object of my affection believes they are in love. Well, this one wasn't budging. He is a good man, and deserves someone great so I did something I've never done before: I turned it over to God.
For Lent, I went to daily Mass and each day I prayed for this man's heart and I prayed that God would watch over my soulmate because he must be as lonely as I am - trying to figure out why no one else fits.
10 days passed - nothing
20 days passed - nothing
30 days....well you get the picture.
Then on the Tuesday before Easter, I just couldn't take it anymore. I thought I had seen progress and then, nothing. I was really hurt and so I turned to the only Man I knew could help. I told Him that He knew my pain - that He knew I had tried to make it work before and it just didn't. I asked Him to show me what else I needed to change. And in perfect form- I cried until I fell asleep.
Then a miracle happened - but being a little dense, I didn't know it.
I got an email from one of my childhood friends - he was in Atlanta and wanted to know if there was anything fun to do here. We met for dinner - and what followed was easy conversation and lots of catching up. We closed down the restaurant.
Since it was so much fun, we tried it again the next night - again closing things down.
I didn't feel alone anymore - I had found a friend who had experienced a lot of the same things I had- and he was easy to talk to. It was awesome.
So weeks pass and the emails get more and more frequent.
Then I asked him if he had thought about kissing me - and it turns out he was still thinking about it.
This is odd to me because love is supposed to include making all these adjustments and melding lives and working to sync up to the object of your affection. I don't know what THIS is. I mean, I have heard it before, how people just click or just know - and I honestly thought it was bullshit - the stuff of romance novels.
Last weekend I went to see him - for two reasons.
One, I didn't have a definition for what this was- and I didn't want to mess up a great friendship with all this talk of kissing. A part of me thought that he'd kiss me and that would be it - it would be like kissing his brother or something and then we would shake our heads and agree that a friendship was best. This was honestly what I thought would happen - and since I was still in contact with the object of my infatuation and he had agreed to go to dinner and a movie - I wanted to be able to enjoy that without thinking about my friend from Indy.
Two, There was a spark at dinner and I found myself waiting anxiously for his emails and wanting to talk to him again. I can tell him anything and I have not had to be anything but honest. I love the things that he says and I knew there was the possibility that it might be magic.
Okay - so maybe that is the same reason - I had to know what was happening- and being an innately curious girl - I went to Indy.
And when I kissed him, all doubt was removed. It is like being home- there is laughter, teasing, joy and for the first time not only do I not have to hide who I am- he has disarmed my defences and I couldn't hide if I wanted to. I haven't changed anything and he loves me. What a miracle that is.
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