Just Sayin'

My feelings are hurt and I just need to vent this. Nothing worse than having someone act like they have you pegged when they really don't know you at all.

I am 44 years old. I pay monthly on the student loans which paid for my two bachelor's degrees that I earned while I was a single parent and working full time. Both times.

I have been a mother since I was 20.

I have survived not one but TWO husbands who tried to kill me and a couple of others who bankrupted me and a number of them who have been unfaithful and then bailed out when the going got tough.

I sat through my 3 year-olds 6 hour brain surgery and then took him and my other two kids under the age of 12 home by myself to continue single parenting while he recovered. His dad and new wife went home.

I have moved these same children to a number of different addresses because they are my responsibility and in order to make more money, we had to move to a better job. My middle son attended 13 different schools.

I watched my son have over 40 seizures in the past 18 months, including one which lasted nearly half and hour and three that were induced in a hospital. I sat with him for 5 days at Cleveland Clinic- his father called once. Hope it wasn't an inconvenience.

I did not use an epidural for any of my three kids, I was too worried about it's effect on the delivery. I will NEVER EVER have the experience of a loving husband who is so happy about the lovely child we just made.

I have watched my daughter struggle with trusting men. I hope that with counseling she'll get through it, but honestly, the only men so far that have actually done what they said they were going to do were my Dad and Jesus - and both of them are in Heaven.

I have moved more furniture and boxes and toys more times than most Army wives.

I watched my middle son struggle with depression and identity and substance abuse and felt so incredibly helpless when I figured out that all I could do was pray about it.

I am ridiculous about having food in the pantry and a full fridge and worry about being able to feed my family even when I have plenty of money.

We spent over $13,000 in medical expenses last year treating Jake's epilepsy.

I do not believe anything I have is actually mine, but that I am entrusted as a steward of these belongings and I am to take care of them. Thus, sharing becomes easier if it wasn't yours in the first place.

I don't say any of this so that you will think I am so wonderful or so brave.

I say it because I am not brave, I am scared and often lonely and have nothing in the history which is my life to back up the belief that someone will love me back some day and stay with me except blind faith.

My family said I am intimidating, because I appear like I don't need anyone. Who the hell doesn't need ANYONE?? Of course I do.

I say this not because I am strong, but because I was put in these impossible situations and didn't have anyone else step up, I had to. I don't know what that means exactly. My dad would say that it was because I didn't have the luxury of falling apart. Well, you know what, sometimes it would be nice to be the one who is allowed to fall apart and act like a girl.