The Taskpad

My dad was notorious for his lists - taskpads that were posted all over to remind him - to keep him organized - to help him focus. He spent his life taking care of us - making sure things were done - and I have this feeling that he is still doing just that.

It was only moments after my dad breathed his last that things started changing.

I have believed for a long time that he had paid any semblance of a price with all the days of pain and the grace with which he accepted his lot in life - so that when I was time for him to go, I think he went straight there.

Over Father's Day weekend, we took my daughter's boyfriend with us. When we were leaving he told them goodbye and that it was probably the last time they would see him. The boyfriend acted as though this was an important trip for him to accompany us on - and frankly, I thought he was going to ask my dad's permission to marry her. That didn't happen - but Dad seemed to like this guy and we thought he had potential. It was within the first half hour after Dad died that she found out he had been sleeping with an old girlfriend. The coincicence had been lost until we were talking about it last night. I reminded her that my dad had assumed the responsibility to be her guardian from her first days - and that I can't imagine he would give up that role after death. Her face grew pale as she realized that her revelation into who this man really was came moments after Dad was able to see who he really was as well.

That same influence has come over Josh as well - a quiet reassurance - a realization that who he is at 16 is a foundation for the man he will be some day. He was named after his grandfather - and has that same quick wit and intelligence that Dad had. His eulogy was beautiful - and his realization that a man can live a great life without ever getting accolades for it - seems to be shifting his attitude back to the person I have always known.

After the first week we were back, things for Jake have improved dramatically at school. Several issues resolved themselves and he has some buddies to hang out with at lunch. This is a way bigger deal than it looks just typed out.

I find that Mass is more precious - though I don't think I am at a point where I honor my Dad's memory very well yet. I still have moments where I feel sad - where the tears come - where I don't have a good reason behind how I am feeling. I find that I am short tempered with my husband - and that at times I am more inclined to remind my family that they don't have the luxury of falling apart - and that they need to get their stuff together. But I call my mother, I try to keep my family intact and fed and clothed - and I am trying to help those patients I can reach. Guess that is all I can do - but it doesn't seem like much most days.


I was reading today about my friend Dale, and the lady who has entered his life after a long stretch of being alone - not sure if Dad had anything to do with that, but I'd like to think he went to bat for Dale and asked God to cut him some slack - we aren't designed to be alone, you know.

when someone shows you who they really are, you should believe them.

Hey Paul

So the last week or so I have been all about doing projects - trying to keep my hands busy so that my head and heart don't hurt. So last night, since there was no football practice, Jake and I took to the woods to clear out some of the damage from the fall storms.



One of these wind burst knocked a tree branch down and it shattered my windshield.

I wasn't in it - so perhaps my guardian angel has some help these days. True or not, it makes me feel better to think that my dad is watching out for us. Now if he could have gotten the windshield replaced for free - instead of couple of hundred dollars I had to spend to replace it - but that is another story.



Anyway - our house is bordered by about an acre and a half of old stand pine forest - which hasn't been cleaned out for years before we moved there. We have three major piles now of pine tree segments = you know 8 to 16 foot segments - piled up so that at some point we can make furniture - or a house - or a split rail fence - something other than mulch with all these trees. As I was walking around tossing more trees on the pile, I realized there were a lot of dead pine trees still standing. Roots no longer attached really - and in several spots, leaning against the tree next to them. Not a big deal unless you are talking about a 20-30 foot tree - and we are. Visions of kids running through the woods and being smushed by those trees as they tipped over at a most in opportune moment whirred through my head.



So I did what any Loner would do - I knocked them over. With my shoulders. Until my arms were scratched up and there were no dead pine trees standing.



I'm not sure if that makes me Paul bunyon.... or Babe the Blue Ox.

well, did you think I fell off the Earth - me too.

First I must publicly thank Jerry and Nora for coming to my dad's viewing. They figured it wasn't that far to drive up to Logansport - and on that not so great day it was good to see a familiar face. Funnier still when Nora's dad realized that he knew a bunch of my dad's family - funny how folks are in small towns. It was so kind of you two to come - thanks.

Thanks also to those of you who sent me a note - the first weeks have been spent in typical form - working until I pass out. You see I have discovered that if it really stings - and you need to clear your head - hard work keeps the adrenaline flowing - and keeps your mind to busy to feel sad.

There have been a couple of revelations, though so this begins the writing again. Hopefully I won't bore you to tears!

I realized about a week ago that my dad now knows what happened to the Pinto. Have I not told you that infamous story - well kiddos - here goes - but it need a little preface. For any of you who do not know me in person, I am not a bitty girl - I do everything big - I don't walk quietly - and I talk really loud - though not intentionally. So - here goes.

I learned to drive in a 1973 Ford Pinto with manual transmission. Going to high school at Cathedral, my dad wanted to make sure I could get up that hill okay in the manual - so we drove up and down that thing - stopping midway - just letting up on the clutch a little and killing the car about a million times - until I got that thing to work. Then and only then would my daddy let me drive it to school. I loved that car and drove the tar out of it.

One afternoon, though, I came home, parked the car and when I went to put the gearshift into neutral position - the whole gearshift fell off. Just tipped over. I was stunned.
So I did what any daddy's girl would do - I interrupted himin the office and told him that the gear shift fell off and that I didn't do anything to it.

This resulted in about 15 minutes worth of debate and my wounded pride refused to admit that I had done anything - though as an adult I can see that I must have just worn the poor thing out by shoving it into the gears - but I still contend that I didn't do anything.

Years later every time we would talk about Heaven I would tell him that someday when he got there he would know I really didn't do anything to that gearshift in the Pinto.

Two weekends ago, I was driving my brother in laws pickup - a stickshift - and the top of the gearshift popped off. And I started laughing - a good deep belly laugh - followed by the always near to the surface tears - and I thought just how funny it was that now he knows I didn't do anything to the Pinto when the gearshift fell off.

Heavy Hearts and Joyful Spirits

It is with a heavy heart that I tell you of the passing of my father, Dave Loner, on this past Sunday. As was his way, he waited until Mom and Davey had gone to run an errand, he bathed, dried his hair then laid down and died peacefully. No fuss. No drama just him - and Him in the final moments.
We are with my mom now, helping in the little ways that we can, to get ready for the funeral on Thursday. It feels good to be here - and yet -it is so terribly sad.
And there is no question that he was ready - that he was tired of the pain and the battle and that he knew without question Who waited for him on the other side of that pain. There is more to write, but since only two hours of sleep have blessed me since I got the news last night, and a 12 hour car ride with three kids has added to my fatigue, I'll wait and write that another day.
God Bless.

If you pray for Rain, bring an umbrella

If you have a minute, say a prayer for us - not for vindication, but for the temperence of justice and mercy. We have court this morning, and I can't do anything but hope for an opportunity to sort things out.


Psalm 130
Out of the depths of my despair, I cry to you O Lord
O Lord, hear my voice
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy
If you, O lord, kept a record os sins,
O Lord who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in His word, I place my hope

My soul waits for the lord
more than watchmen wait for morning

Put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with Him is full redemption.

This could be the end

This morning I had a bit of time before I had to go see patients, so I was trying to get things better under control at home. You see, I spent two weeks in LA in training, came home for a week and promptly spent 70 of those hours working - then went back out to Palm Springs for a National Sales Meeting. Cue home again - working a 60 hour week - then driving up to see my folks for Father's Day weekend.

Don't get me wrong, I love the new job and my hope is that 6 months down the line, when the field has been plowed and all the seeds have been planted, I will have more time to do those things I want to do homebound. But right now, my house looks definitely unmothered and this morning I realized that the grocery situation had reached a level of desparation that had to be attended to -

So I went to Wally world and filled up my cart - after checking my work e-mail for fires of course. Josh had a couple of friends stay over, so I got the brilliant idea to make some cinnamon rolls - yes, the kind you just unroll and pop on a pan - it was a moment of weakness.

So I baked the cinnamony goodness one pan while I was putting away the groceries, and then I popped in the second pan. Just then I looked up and discovered that every goat we have - save Harry - was outside of our fence - including Mary and John, who are only a couple of weeks old.
So I went out, shored up the fence after telling those rascals to climb their little butts back under the fence. That task completed, I came back in - washed my hands like I was off to perform surgery and got back to breakfast.

I iced the first set of rolls, washed the grapes, set out plates, then went off to take a shower.

In the midst of the conditioner cycle, Angus started barking. I don't know if I've told you about Angus yet. You may remember Koda and Miley - my two beautful Pyreneese/Newfoundlan cross pups. Well, Koda got sick - and then sicker and while I was away at my first set of training, he died. Heartbroken doesn't even begin to describe it. When I came home, I found a gal with a pure pred Pyreneese - same temperment, different face - and his name is Angus. He is all about pleasing the family - and takes it quite personally if you have a cross word for him. He is 4 months old now.

Anyway - I had to rinse and get dressed. I entered the kitchen to find 3 dogs on my kitchen table, neatly polishing off those cinnamon rolls. "You get out of here! and a moment later then were back outside. Angus was waiting at the base of the table for them to get out, then he looked up at me, wagged his tail and went back to lay down.

On the way up the mountains, there was a logging truck which had lost a part of it's load - delaying me 40 minutes - but I was rewarded at the doctors office when she asked about a patient and I could tell her I had already talked to her - nice.

During pump training I parked my car in the shade and left the moon roof open - to keep the inside from boiling. When I returned, there was a cat inside, rifling around in my empty pistachio container- who looked just like Kitten Bob. It was not, though, and after a couple of seconds of trying to figure out how to get out of this car - he rushed past me.

Just a weird day...

Week Two of the New Job

Let me first say that working from home is fantastic. I love being able to work on home stuff - like folding laundry, while listening to a telecast. It has forced us to clean out the carport, remove the linoleum from the sunroom - and make it into an office, and fold a huge mountain of laundry and sort things in our room - so that we can use what we have. I love it.

I have been all over my territory these last two weeks - I was in the mountains yesterday and will be out by fancypants lake later today for training, after I join the nurses at BIG UNIVERSITY hospital for lunch. I feel like I am spending a lot of time in the car - and that my phone may in fact have grown attached to my ear!

I am putting in a LOT of 15 hour days right now - and I am actually looking forward to training in LA so that I can get a little break.

In other news, I will be seeing both of my cousins that weekend - and it should be great fun - makes the whole trip worthwhile!

I will get caught up on what's happening with the rest of the world, just as soon as I get these dishes done.

Happy Earth Day - a little early

Justin and I are going on a retreat this weekend - a Marriage Encounter to be exact - so I wanted to leave you with a little food for thought early on Earth Day.

Now what kind of a granola head would I be without saying something about Earth Day?

Yahoo! has a great site here with lots of links and information about what a person can do to get started.

You see, it isn't all about being a tree hugger - it is about personal responsibility and making sure we don't make such a big mess that our kids can't clean it up.
We buy as many things that are minimally processed as possible. We buy local produce if we can - and cage free eggs - organic creamer - we use Shaklee cleaners whenever possible - or orange oil - and Burt's Bees reigns in the bathroom.

As an aside, if you spend time outdoors, they have a carrott oil spray that feel FANTASTIC on your skin.

We use the more expensive energy saving light bulbs - which cost more up front, but have lowered our energy bills significantly. Even the flood lights are the compact kind.

When our water heater goes kaput - we are looking at buying one that is tankless - or at least uses some solar heating - we live the the South and have so many warm days that it seems silly to use energy to heat the water when the sun is already working hard to heat everything else!
Our dishwasher and washing machine use a gray water system - which means that teh water goes back into the yard so that the water isn't wasted - or sent to a wastewater treatment plant where energy and chemicals are used to clean the water.

We put up bubble wrap which came around things from Amazon - to help insulate the windows in the winter.

We throw anything organic that we can into the compost pile - and we reuse all the glass jars and try to buy things with minimal packaging.

When we looked at buying cars we paid attention to mileage and fule efficiency - not only for cost - but to assure that we didn't contribute any more than necessary to the fossil fuel problem. With my new job there will be travel - and there is a good possibility I may choose a hybrid as my next car - if I can afford it. But in the mean time, I get my oil changed and try to keep my tires filled to make sure the present cars are as efficient as possible.


The sustainable farm we have is as much therapy as it is environmentally friendly, but is serves both purposes well. The rabbits are warm and furry and take my mind off the dishes left to be washed - then their little pellett droppings fertilize my garden, enabling me to grow organic vegetables and feed my family. That garden is grown without pesticides - and with just enough left over that the birds and the squirrels will also be fed. That part of the lawn doesn't have to be mowed either - well that and the portion covered in trees. Reducing the emissions from our house. I don't use pesticide or Miracle Gro on the yard. Intentionally - it isn't good for the frogs or teh crawdads in our creek - and it kills birds.

There are plenty of opportunities for us to make changes in the way we do things - so that we take care of the land we are entrusted. This Earth Day take a minute and look around at all the beautiful things which surround you - and take a minute to take care of your Mother.

Logansport...

About ten years ago, one of my cousins and I started doing a little geneology research - and that is where I found out that I accidentally named my son Jacob after my great, great grandfather, Jacob.

My family has lived in Logansport since the early 1800's, and back in the 40s and 50s Loner Lumber built many of the houses in the neighborhoods bordering Logansport High School. I remember driving through those neighborhoods with my folks on Christmas Eve, talking about how the family had built many of those houses. My Great Uncle Herman still lives in one. When the business folded, my granfather and 6 of the 8 kids moved out to Kansas City, where much of the family still is, but my dad and his brother stayed in Indiana.

I lived on High Street for a couple of years, in a house that was just three doors down from where my father grew up, and about two blocks away from where my mom grew up - bordering Riverside Park. I had a lovely old home -it was huge, with pocket doors and a 26 foot kitchen - I think it is still blue - 1324 if you drive by...That is still my FAVORITE house of all time. The big mint green one, with the spire, where the mayor used to live - that was where my dad's family grew up -they played baseball at Riverside park. My folks used to meet on High Street and walk the last little bit to school together when they were dating - the school is now where Marsh sits, right there on Market and Broadway - the iron fence, where they walked through the gates.

My son, Josh, received his first Reconciliation and Communion in the same church as my parents, and it is still decorated by a big golden figure of Jesus, right as you come over the bridge from the river. I loved that church and it always feels like home. My mother's dad and step mom were buried from that church, aunts and uncles were married in that church - and some day, my own parents receive their final blessings there as well. Baptized, married and buried my dad says.

When I think of Indiana, it is often that drive from Indy to Logan that comes to mind - the sycamore trees, the corn fields, the little green oasis as you pass through Deer Creek... I loved it there and my memories of the time I lived there are some of my best ever.

If you travel to Logan, make sure you stop off and get a Spanish Hot Dog - and a root beer in a mug, not to go - there is no comparison.

Thank you for asking about Logansport - it was a great trip down memory lane on a cold Monday morning...