Hombre de Alma

It has been said that after a long and cold winter, when the hunting is poor and each day is a struggle for survival, the wolves will come down from the mountains.  Rather than feasting on the bounty of spring, they will feed, then in what seems like a random way, kill without eating their prey. They will kill two sheep and leave one, they will come into towns and farms that otherwise would be safe, they will kill because they must. Wolves always kill for food rather than for sport, so this phenomenon suggests some change in their natural order.

We are very much like those wolves, when we have gone through a period of starvation, of denial, of trying to behave in a way that is counter to who we really are, we are hungry.  Down to-our-very-soul hungry.  We live in a civilized world, so there are certain behaviors that are considered appropriate and others that are not.  As a result, we can get really fixated on one aspect of who we are, and miss the other three. We put the legitimate needs of one aspect on hold as it were- either out physical, intellectual, emotional or spiritual needs.  All of these needs are valid and are a part of being fully human, and yet, there are societal pressures and constraints which ask us to deny one or all of these aspects and needs in order to promote the growth of the others.

Hunger of the soul- denying who I am and trying to be good, be proper, be coy- rather than being the God-loving, earthy, dirt-under-my-nails, hippie-mother to many, who loves freely and loves deeply - starves my soul. 

Think about someone who is very focused on their career, who puts off dating and family until that aspect of their intellectual life has reached it's pinacle - often at the expense of their emotional and spritual growth.  There are others who are very focused on the physical, spending hour after hour at the gym, but never getting any further in their intellectual development than what is on the TV over the Cardio machines.  Others get overly focused on emotional development, losing days upon days of precious time trying to find themselves  - or becoming so wrapped up in what they have "been through" that they miss out on what life is offering right this minute.  Still others can become immersed in the spiritual aspect of the self, spending all their time trying to be more than the physical, emotional and intellectual beings that we are - and loathing the parts that make us human. 

When people in these scenarios are presented with the very thing they have denied themselves, the thing needed to fill that hunger, they realize that they are ravenous, that it has been way too long since....someone kissed them, or they spent time in worship, or they read something that enlightented them and made them feel more alive, or that their heart beat intoxicatingly fast.  We are presented with the very thing that we need to fill that hunger, and rather than just eating until we are filled, we gorge ourselves, taking in more and more.
Sometimes we are blessed, and we see the pattern early enough to stop it, push back from the table and wait until the next meal.  Other times, the hunger overtakes us- we cannot get enough physical contact, we cannot put the book down, we cannot stop writing or painting, we become immersed in the passion of our faith and think of nothing else, we become an emotional mess.  When we are hungry for too long, we are more likely to let the thing we have denied ourselves to take over our lives and to overrule our good judgement.

And so the real question: at what point is getting back into balance a sin, versus a part of the process to get us healthy again?  Intent would be my barometer - though there are things on the Big10 list that are non negotiables. Getting back that balance can be messy- sometimes we swing our behavior in the complete opposite direction of where we have been.  We dust ourselves off and get back up  to try again.

 We are called to live a life in balance, taking time to feed all the aspects of who we are.

We are called to be Wholly human beings - feeding our intellect through words and experiences, feeding our emotions through relationship with others, giving and receiving love,  and creating something; feeding our physical self through physical affection, healthy eating, activity, and feeding the spiritual self through daily interactions with our Creator.

The soul must be fed, because denying the soul, denying what it is to be human, also puts us at risk for behavior that is out of balance, that is hurtful, that is contrary to who we want to be.

So today, feed your soul: read a book, paint a blue-paint picture, plant something, kiss someone, take a walk, spend time talking to God, tell someone you love them.  Feed your soul

The New Church

It has become a more and more popular trend for people to repeat those lines from "stigmata" that the church is everywhere- outside, in the grocery store, under a rock, in the woods, with friends - you get it, everywhere.

While I do agree that the church extends into these areas, I don't think there is a reason to devalue the legitimacy of church as a building filled with people who are in need of the salvation offered within.  How can I learn about how others have struggled and triumphed with issues of faith without going into the building?  How can I physically see my neighbors and friends each week, and listen to the Word of God from the Old and New Testament without going into the church? How can those who are new to the faith- or returning to the faith be assured that they have access to information - and that that information is legitimate?  How do I get FED with the sweet essence that is the breath and word of God without going into the building?

Truth is, there are workarounds for many of these things - my relationship with Christ doesn't end when I walk out the doors, neither do my friendships.  But life is short and our list of work to do is long, so we don't make it around to see people like we used to, the church affords us this luxury.  My favorite argument for going to church- even when there are people there I don't like, even with the restrictions of my faith: the fact that I can give of myself entirely to Christ during that hour or so that I am within the pews.  No internet, no phone, no interruptions, no dogs barking or FedEx guy at the door- just me and My Redeemer.  It is liberation beyond measure.  The experience fills me with joy- I see my friends, I witness the miracle of the Mass, I bask in the glow of Communion and I am still and listen to what God says. It is the time that I breathe.

There are things about the Church that I don't agree with - and certainly some people within that I don't agree with.  Sometimes it trying out several parishes before you find one that "fits" the rhythm of who you are and how you NEED to worship.  That's okay too.  Churches are filled with humans and we, by our very definition, are a living, growing, complex system that doesn't always mesh with the next system.  And we make mistakes, and we fall down - the very reason we are at church in the first place.  We have recently started going to a new church and I love most everything about it from the tiles which remind me of some ancient cave to the baptismal font's lovely melody in the entryway. But it is still just a building until it is filled with believers and the power of our prayers. I really like the pastor- but pastors are like doctors: you have to find one who speaks to you in a language that your heart understands and responds to.

I've been a single mother for most of my life- and apparently not a very smart one.  I wasn't receiving support and chalking up all the extra money in my account.  Instead, I was working my tail off and trying to find a way to rob Peter to pay Paul and keep the lights on.  Not an easy task- and a a result of my need- my inability to meet my very basic needs like utilities and groceries - I turned to God for provision.  And in a gesture that I did not deserve, He provided. Time and time again.  Through joblessness, through sick kids, thorugh nursing school, through brain surgery and the zillion other little things we needed, He rescued us. So I take my faith very seriously- it isn't an abstract idea- it is an inherent part of who and what I am, as much as being my father's daughter is a part of who I am.

Here we go again

It has been some time since I posted - the last two years encompassed in work and teaching CCD at my neighborhood church. The house has been renovated as a result of a nasty storm, I have grown accustomed, once again, to being single and am refocused on being a mother to my kids, and I still love my job. Quite a bit of improvement in just a couple of years.

A lot has happened, and I'll integrate some Jake stories for my old friends, just haven't gotten to that yet.

Last August, when Jake started high school, things were going pretty well.  About a month into the school year he had a seizure in gym class and knocked himself in the head with a barbell.  ER visit followed and it was the beginning of what has been a lengthy process.  His seizures are not in good control- by a long shot.  They come unbidden and without regard to triggers- unless you consider air and water as triggers.

So 12 months later, we are discussing a partial frontal lobectomy: taking a part of the frontal lobe out which is causing the seizures.

On one level, this scares the peanuts out of me.  But on the other hand, it could be the answer.

Jake has prayed constantly for God to take this burden from him- to let him lead a normal life and get a driver's license and a high school diploma- and the removal might just do the trick.

We'll keep you posted, but for now, the diversion I needed was to be able to write again, it is such good therapy.  And to the one person who might actually read after it has been so long since I posted, I thank you.

Back in the Saddle Again

It has been a very long time since I posted anything - and oddly enough, I am still posting from Georgia. I thought for sure that something would open up with my company in New Mexico and that I was headed there before summer started - and as it turns out, the economy prevented that. The company is doing extraordinarily well - but being fiscally responsible, they didn't add a lot of new external postitions.
The housing market still hasn't recovered and there is no way I am losing money on this house if I can at all prevent it. So much has changed since last winter - the house is different now. I am single again and the saga of our struggle to convert a good friendship into a marriage has finally ended. It is bittersweet and yet full of the hope and promise of a new path.

My sons have grown physically into me - towering over me at 6 foot something. I still can't get used to the idea that the bitty kids I carried on my hips are now so very tall. My daughter has grown into a woman- with a life and dreams and loves of her own.

I read The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch- if you haven't read it, you should take the time.  Totally worthwhile.  It asks you to reflect on what you wanted to be when you were little.  I wanted to be a Maryknoll missionary.  One of those nuns who lived out in the bush and cared for people without health care.  I wonder now if that will ever be a part of my story- the nun part is doubtful.  As my kids get older and I am nearing that second half of my life, the idea is tantalizing. Maybe all of my character flaws: you know the inability to match, not being high maintenance, love of dirt, and herbs and all growing things - well maybe those are weird in this scenario but would be perfect for living in the bush.  Ha!  We'll see what happens.

In the meantime, my soul has genuinely missed you all.

Ahhhh, now what to write about....

Home...

The agreement was that we would stay in Georgia until my middle son graduated from high school. I was okay with that - after all, any mother would do what was best for her kids and I have certainly given mine quite the adventure with this gypsy soul I possess. Wanderlust my grandmother called it - a trait evident in my grandfather - well both of them actually - and in my father.

So the parameters of the deal have changed. At the beginning of October, Josh quit school. Deciding without parental counsel to take his GED and start college early.

The whole future I had planned in my head has now shifted forward by about 2 years - and I just couldn't be happier about it. A new start for Justin and a happier place for Jake. Don't get me wrong, I have met some really fantastic people here in Georgia, but it is not home for me. 4 years later I still feel like a stranger even in my own parish.

So I have asked for signs - a postcard would be nice - and a clear path career wise to where I should go.

But to borrow the language of my dear friend: when you need to think and clear your head you go out west, when you are feeling troubled you come out to New Mexico and you can breathe. Why do you think that home is anywhere but here?

So another adventure is about to begin. There is a lot of work to be done to make our home look ready to sell - but overall, it is a good problem to have. So as you read this, say a little prayer - for guidance - for a beacon - for illumination to find home.

USA TODAY Artificial Pancreas Story - HOPE

The following article appears on the USA TODAY website at the following link - click it if you'd like to see how an artificial pancreas will work - at least the Medtronic vision of one. This should clarify why I want to stay with the company. Can you imagine being the person who helps bring this to people who have been waiting for it for so long! I can hardly wait.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-11-02-artificial-pancreas_N.htm


By Mary Brophy Marcus, USA TODAY
Ed Damiano wakes up three times a night to check on his son David. He just wants to make sure his 9-year-old's blood sugar levels are OK. David has type 1 diabetes and, like a lot of children with the condition, his blood sugar can dip dangerously low some nights and spike on others.
Damiano quietly checks David's blood sugar using a glucose monitor as he sleeps. With help from the school nurse, he and his wife do the same by day, when David's blood sugar can spike after eating.

But it may not always have to be like this, says Damiano, associate professor of biomedical engineering at Boston University. He and more than a dozen other scientists nationwide are developing artificial-pancreas technology that will reduce or do away with nighttime and daytime checks for parents and help adults and children with type 1 diabetes better control the disease. But it may be years before it's available.
In type 1 diabetes, the body produces little or no insulin, a hormone needed to convert sugar (glucose), starches and other food into energy. Patients must take insulin when they eat to fend off a glucose overload. They also experience abnormal swings between high blood sugar (hyperglycemia) and low blood sugar (hypoglycemia), says Bruce Buckingham, professor of pediatric endocrinology at Stanford University. Children's fluctuating hormones and activity levels also can influence blood sugar. Eating well and getting the right amount of insulin to keep blood sugar close to normal is a fine art, he says.

The artificial pancreas, which would be worn externally and supplied with insulin, would reduce those highs and lows, Damiano says. "We call it a closed-loop system. It's comprised of three parts: a continuous glucose monitor, an insulin pump and a computer chip that allows the two devices to 'talk' to each other and calculate how much insulin a patient needs at any given time."
The first two elements — the hardware — already are being used by people with diabetes, says Steve Sabicer of Medtronic Diabetes, a California-based company that makes continuous glucose monitors and insulin pumps. What is new is the software, or a computer chip, that would allow the two devices to work together automatically. Versions of Medtronic's hardware and similar ones by other companies, including Abbott Laboratories and Johnson & Johnson, also are being tested, researchers say.
Damiano's lab is among those working on prototypes of the unifying computer software.
"With all three components, a user would not have to worry about dialing in the correct amount of insulin. The technology would do it," he says.
One out of every 300 children have type 1 diabetes. It accounts for up to 10% of U.S. diabetes cases, says the American Diabetes Association.
Experts say the technology will revolutionize treatment of type 1 diabetes and may help people with advanced type 2.
"Not to be too grandiose about it, but the artificial pancreas will dramatically transform diabetes care for people with type 1 who really depend on a very burdensome regimen to stay in good control," says Stuart Weinzimer of Yale University School of Medicine.
But closed-loop technology is five to 10 years off, estimates Buckingham. "The (software) needs to be perfected and it will need to be tested outside the lab in real-world settings for efficacy and safety."
Damiano says it can't come soon enough for David, who has had diabetes since he was 11 months old: "I hope it will be ready by the time my son goes off to college."

The Love Dare

This isn't for sissies - or for people who want to do something easy to fix the mess their marriage has become. It is for people who want one more chance - who believe in love - who believe that there is no gain in life without pain preceding it. We are so quick to walk out and look for the bigger better deal. Perhaps it is as Reverand Graham says: God is trying to teach you something about your life and your character through your marriage.

Three weeks ago we finally got some insight into what was going on in our household and found that it was not anything that some medication wouldn't help. So the medication started. And there was hope again.

Then there was what looked like secrecy - thus the post below. Big walls I have built- and scaling them will not be easy. Remember the fortress around your heart song - Sting sang it back when I was still young and thin. Seems like that is where we are right now.

The day I wrote that I prayed for peace. Lord when will there be peace in my life...
And I heard one of the producers of the Fireproof movie talk about how it was working miracles in people's lives. I made the choice to get the Love Dare book. The first bookstore didn't have it. I had the choice to skip it and just go home. But I didn't, I stopped at a second store and they had dozens of copies. I got one for me and one for Justin. Forty days of lessons - forty days of opportunity to make it work. And for a moment I debated whether it was worth the $14 for the books. I bought them and prayed that I would be much stronger than I think I am - at least strong enough to see how much of my own crap (and don't we all have our own crap) was getting in the way of making peace in the house. Not a task for sissies. On the way out of the store there were two rainbows to the east, which seemed to follow me all the way home. I believe it was a confirmation that I was doing the right thing - maybe it was just a coincidence, but I don't believe in coincidence - I believe in a God who likes to let me know when I am headed the right way.

We started the book - and I was still hesitant. Anyone who has been reading has seen the great descent of the past three years. It has not been pretty. But we know that there are three things that last - faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love. See, to me faith has never been a cafeteria-style thing - either you believe in Him and what he says to be true - the miracle of forgiveness - the miracle of a loving God who knows who I really am and STILL loves me- the blessing of redemption - or you don't. If I believe all of those things are true for me- and my life has certainly borne them out - then they are true for all the people God loves - even if I am miffed at them.

So a week into the book, my heart is changing - I am feeling more hopeful. There is the outside possibility that I may even be able to let my guard down enough to be in love again - still working on that one. At the very least I will feel like I have given everything I have to salvage my marriage and keep the promise I made - and we could go in peace. At best we could have what the counselor suggested - a new marriage with the same two people - and best of all - PEACE.

Spe Salvi

Marriage is a very difficult thing for some of us. Be it a strong will or an overabundance of romantic ideation - the day to day acceptance of a life that has fallen short of my expectations is often hard to bear - feeling hopeless and pointless and a dozen other lesses.

When Dad passed away, I stopped going to church. I didn't blame God exactly, it is just that everything about the Mass reminded me of him. It took months before I could sit through Mass without tearing up.

I am going again - and God is hearing me a lot more often - but my heart still feels calloused - like I just can't take any more pain - like there is an aspect of staying married that I fear - well no kidding - I am afraid of getting hurt again. But fear is the absence of faith.

Last night I was doing some reading for CCD class and I came across a Papal Encyclical. I thought I'd post it here - as much for me as for anyone else - to remind me that in all things there is hope.


ENCYCLICAL LETTER SPE SALVI OF THE SUPREME PONTIFFBENEDICT XVI TO THE BISHOPS PRIESTS AND DEACONS MEN AND WOMEN RELIGIOUS AND ALL THE LAY FAITHFUL ON CHRISTIAN HOPE

Introduction
1. “SPE SALVI facti sumus”—in hope we were saved, says Saint Paul to the Romans, and likewise to us (Rom 8:24). According to the Christian faith, “redemption”—salvation—is not simply a given. Redemption is offered to us in the sense that we have been given hope, trustworthy hope, by virtue of which we can face our present: the present, even if it is arduous, can be lived and accepted if it leads towards a goal, if we can be sure of this goal, and if this goal is great enough to justify the effort of the journey. Now the question immediately arises: what sort of hope could ever justify the statement that, on the basis of that hope and simply because it exists, we are redeemed? And what sort of certainty is involved here?

Back to my roots

I had to get a new car - a Jeep to be more exact - and one of the perks is that I get a year of free satellite radio. This morning I heard the most interesting commentary on the Catholic channel. Don't let that steer you away - it was interesting.



The commentator said we are at war - and not just in the many places around the world. We are in teh midst of a spiritual war. The objective is clear - stay on your path, avoid sin, be pious, be holy, and get to heaven, bringing as many with you as you can. If we fail the ramifications are far worse than those prison camps we still hear about from Vietnam - there is loss and sorrow and despair and Hell isn't a short term prison - it is for eternity.

Can you mend a broken heart? I don't think our company makes those.

I remember several years ago during that long stretch that I was alone raising three kids, listening to Dr Dobson on the radio talking about how love works. I though it was very profound when he described it like a flowering plant. He said love needed water and light and nourishment to keep growing. Like any plant, it can take a bit of difficulty - cold spells, drought and even some tough storms. If those things come to close together and there isn't time to recover, the plant starts to die - even if it wants to stay living very very badly.

No one, least of all me, wants to see a litany of the substantial loss we incurred last year. And yet those who ignore their history are bound to repeat it. I'm tired of the same mistakes and am moving closer to accepting that my mom may in fact be correct - that I am too strong willed to be married to someone.

I have tried to keep positive, be supportive, be the strong one - but there is only so long you can go without water - only so long you can hold up those branches without support. Pretty soon you start doing more and more on your own, telling yourself that once again you stink at being a wife. If I were any good at it he would rise to the occasion - at least that is what people have said - be supportive, be kind, cover things until he is able. I inflict the pain on myself in addition to that which is left to me. The days drag on and the work piles up- dishes in need of washing - a carport still stacked with crap - clothes not put away from the wash three weeks ago - and the worse it gets the further away I pull.

There is the inability to do what I do by nature - encourage, forgive, laugh - like my hydrangeas during the drought who kept trying to bloom only to have those beautiful attempts at blue flowers come out pale and brown way too soon. It seems that whatever I do to try to get back to that relationship I thought I had - to get back to where love exist and trust and honesty prevail - well those attmepts seem to just make it worse. I am always apologizing and after so much loss, I cannot be left again. When things don't go well, it is easier to just pull up roots and run.

That is what I am good at - starting over.

So for this moment, I give up. Whatever force in the universe has deemed that I should never love someone who loves me back - who laughs at the cruel joke of breaking my heart once again - well you win. I am so so tired and apparently I am not ever going to be enough and whateveI have tried is futile. So laugh your ass off cruel fate, I will no longer be your victim.
I will be mother to three beautiful children, I will come home, play mother for 6 hours after working the last 10 and I will go to sleep alone - never again feeling the comfort of a man. I will be good to my patients, I will go feed the homeless on Saturday and give my time to the Church on Sunday and hope will not be taken from me.