Falling Slowly

warming up to the thought of you as you are trying to decide if what you really see is real
my words made you feel 10 feet tall which was only fair since your words made me feel.....

beautiful

in a way that is both unusual and familiar
like the strains of a song I have struggled to remember

I don't know you, but I want to

while burdened with the requirements of being mother and father and rescuer, being a woman is put on the back burner where it becomes dried and charred while waiting to be stirred up.

but you added water- and gently moved the pot to add life back in

my cup is filled to overflowing as I gulp down that which is poured before me
thirst overtaking logic at the end of a dry season

sleep seems to be a luxury item when I can exchange it for what i really need: more time

the sound of your voice, the honest commentary, the understanding that there is a place I may not be able or willing to go without patience and persistance.

i see who you are, maybe seeing more of me than you really want to share

and in that vulnerability i have allowed you to see me as well- and you actually do.

to be seen and loved is the greatest adventure

72 Degrees on the week of Thanksgiving

There are a lot of cultural things that strike me as odd about living in the South as a transplant- and because I am still here by choice, I will not use this space to fuss about them. I do, however, LOVE the weather here most of the time. In the summer, it is HOT everywhere, Atlanta being no exception. I wish there were a better way to shield me from those 90 degree days than just the plethora of trees surrounding the house, but no other viable options have presented themselves, so AC it is. The fall and winter, though, that is where things here get amazing. Three days until Thanksgiving - an occasion that typically is heralded by snow in Indiana, I laid out in the yard in the sun over the weekend and today, drove with the windows down and the sunroof open - being caressed by the sun.

I put in a crop of garlic and leeks last weekend to grow over the winter. The asparagus is lovely with its delicate ferns covering the patch in my garden, carefully guarded by St Francis.

The mums are still covered in miniature firework bursts and bright-faced pansies will winterover in the pots on my south-facing porch. I have pepper plants growing on the windowsill of my kitchen, just waiting to be put into outside pots this weekend. The same weekend we will decorate the house for Christmas. Can't get over the fact that I plant and put up Christmas decorations in the same week. Not a bad deal at all. Lots of crops do well over the winter including the root vegetables like onions and leeks and carrots. I still have tomotoes ripening on the vine and parsley vivid green along the walk. The fruit trees are just branches now and the blueberries have fiery red leaves disguising them as fire bushes for the remainder of the season.

Like nearly every person in the US right now, money is tight, but we have been blessed with a lovely piece of land, a little garden to sustain us and a ton of Ball jars filled with the bounty from this year. There is enough fallen wood to build a skyscraper and if I handle it right, I should be able to have firewood for the bonfire for months to come- now if I could only figure out a way to get a fireplace in my house - I really miss that - and it seems a waste not to have one with so much wood fallen about. But that is another story all together.

In this season of Thanksgiving, I am grateful for a full pantry, and enough money to pay my bills.

AMAZING- BREAK THE RECORD DAY!!!

It is with a humble heart that I tell you that today is BREAK THE RECORD DAY!!!!

We went to Cleveland Clinic 6 weeks ago, and as of TODAY Jake has gone over 6 weeks without a seizure-breaking our previous record which was 1 day short of 6 weeks. His medication is working! We are well on our way to the 52 weeks that he needs to get his learner's permit - which in his view as a nearly 16-year old, is probably the most important thing ever.

Cannot begin to express how very thankful I am. Honestly, I can tell you that this is not my best literary work because I am just to darn elated to worry much about how it sounds. The happiness feels like it is pouring out of my fingers and the grin on my face like a Roman Candle on the Fourth of July!!! Lord help the souls I see today, I am giddy as a schoolgirl and will be intolerably happy ALL DAY.

I am eternally thankful that the Lord has kept His promise when He said He had plans for us,plans to prosper and not to harm us. I am thankful that He still loved us when I lost it there in the hospital room and said some choice words to Him. Forgiveness is a powerful entity. I am soooo thankful to those who have prayed for us- complete strangers who lifted Jake up to Our Father in prayer, asking for healing. Thankful for the man, whose name I don't even know, who told his Rosary Group that he was praying for a total healing for Jake-his prayers are being answered. Thankful for those people who thought of us, sent us notes, gave us hope and something to believe in when it didn't seem like there was much to be thankful for.

I am thankful that He has seen fit to allow us to start back to a normal life again- a life without the fear that totally without warning, Jake will plummet to the floor and start seizing. We have lived with almost 2 years of unpredictable seizures, having the confidence that he can make it more than half an hour without us checking on him has been so liberating for everyone in my household. I cannot express the joy and hope that come along with seeing him thrive and actively work on getting his life back to a NORMAL teenager's life.

In celebration, we are headed to the Golden Corrall for dinner- for those of you NOT hosting teenaged boys in your house, it is an all you can eat buffett with tons of good food - and lots of desserts that I just don't keep here in the house- so Jake will be in Heaven.

It was that nagging voice in the back of my head, which is the Holy Spirit at work, which prompted me to take him to Cleveland, spending money we didn't have to get there. And as usual, the Holy Spirit provided understanding of the situation and a clarity that I didn't posess.

I am so extraordinarily blessed to have Jake as my son. His gentle spirit and willingness to help just astounds me. Sure he has normal teenaged moments, but overall, he is just a joy.

He has decided that he would like to go back to High school now, a big shift in plans as we have been preparing him to take his GED in a couple of months. He wants to play football- The Replacements, The Blind Side and about a dozen other football movies have occupied his attention of late- and at 6'3" 260# it seems like a great outlet for him.

However this whole epilepsy situation plays out long-term, I for one am thankful that for today, we are seizure free for 6 weeks! Thank you, Lord from that place in my heart that You know is true.

When God moved from Abstract Idea to Reality

I have been listening to Mark Hart, the "Bible Geek" a lot lately, and in a series he did on knowing Christ he hit upon something that I have never been able to put into words, exactly.

I have lots of friends who believe- they know that God is real- they try to live a moral life- but the whole idea of a personal relationship with Christ is abstract at best. Not that they don't listen to the preaching or that they discount what they learn, only it is still in their heads and not in their hearts.

Mark said repeatedly that the longest distance for any Christian is the distance between their head and their heart. So very true.

I grew up Catholic- spent 12 years in Catholic school where there was daily religion class and Mass several times a week. My head "got" what I believed and at times, it reached my heart, but not always.

I love to read other perspectives on being Christian- I have a whole bookshelf in my house devoted to religious writing - from the New Agey stuff like Women who Run with the Wolves, to the lives of the saints, the writing of Pope John Paul II and Mother Teresa and Saint Augustine- he's one of my favorites. But I also read Max Lucado, Gary Smalley, James Dobson, TD Jakes and a dozen other preachers who send email newsletters which serve as inspiration. I read Black Elk and Sitting Bull and publications about the Red Road- which sound a lot like St Francis of Asissi.

None of these things are the reason Christianity is not an abstract concept to me - though they help keep the relationship healthy.

Mark hit it on the head ( I'm paraphrasing here)
It is not until you have faced suffering and death as a reality in your life - until you NEED a SAVIOR and not just a buddy or a listening ear that you truly know Jesus. When we are at that point of desperation and we feel the magic fortifying power of His Grace- in that moment where we surely could not have stood alone, that we know Him as reality, In that moment, He goes from public figure to intimate friend.

It is then that we stop questioning whether a group of first century fishermen were willing to create a religious movement, leave their families and their hometowns, and be brutally put to death for their beliefs. In that moment where we intensely feel the hand of Christ upon our lives, it all makes sense. It wasn't their belief in the movement- it was their belief in Jesus- in who He was to them - the breathing- talking- laughing-joking- charismatic- man's man who walked the roads with them. They didn't die to promote a religion or a church or a building or a theocracy, but they would certainly die to follow the teaching of their friend.

I have friends like that - ones that I would go to bat for no matter what - ones that I would die for - I imagine you do too. Funny thing is, no matter how much I try, I will fail these friends at least once- maybe a dozen times even though I love them. It is the same with with being Jesus' friend. We all fail - and each time we do, He is there and willing to forgive.

I have faced death way more times than I should have - with a baby who would stop breathing - then a teenager who would seize in the most inopportune locations which put his life at risk. I have had 2 people try to kill me - not just the Ogre, but my first husband as well. I have sat awake all night watching over my kids to make sure that no harm came to them, like some figure out of WWII sitting in a bunker waiting for the enemy to come storming in. I have held the hands of a dozen dying people when I worked at the hospital and faced Death when talking to my dad about his imminent passing. Maybe that isn't more than other folks- some peolple see more death than that before their 2nd birthday - but for me, it was in those times that I needed a savior- a deliverer- a hero to swoop in and save me.
And He did, just like any good friend would do.

Loner's Leap

I used to call the little farm we had on our acreage Loner's Ridge, fashioned loosely after the Ridge in Diana Gabaldon's Outlander Series of books. That whole time seems like eons ago- no more husband, no more rushing to get to high school in the morning, no more little kids- they all tower over me now with Jake pushing 6'3". There is a season of peace- more time to sit around a bon fire and less time spent worrying about silly stuff. See the lounge chair in this picture? It came from the lake house in Buffalo, Indiana when my mom sold the house. My father made those chairs and they are more precious than gold to me.
I like living here unfettered, though the lonliness creeps in and I miss having a special someone, it is nice to have things the way I want them most of the time. There is a freedom in having a couple of acres to walk through in the morning.

Today was a perfect example- I got up with the dawn, made coffee, fed the dogs and then went out to the yard with my pruning shears. My privet bushes are over 6'tall now, so they needed a little trim. My cherry and nectarine trees are spreading out over the paths, so they needed a little trim as well. The fruit trees have been a pleasant surprise since moving to Georgia, they really grow well. I even took some peach pits from my canning adventure last year and planted those, to see what would happen. Not all of them took, but four of them did, and I have 4 lovely peach sapplings to show for it. So now we have: 1 Nectarine, 10 peach, 2 cherry, 4 pear, 3 apple, 2 plum, 3 fig, 2 pecan, and 2 persimmon trees. Thank God we have 3 acres. As I typed this I just realized that I am really making my dream of having a little orchard a reality. Huh, funny how those little things all add up. There are muscadine vines, elderberry bushes, blueberry bushes and blackberry canes all waiting for next year's harvest. The whole yard seems to be settling in for the winter, ready for rest, ready for the peace that is winter here, and awaiting the possibilities of spring. Seems like the garden has the right idea. We have renamed the house to Loner's Leap- as each day is a leap of faith- trusting in the Lord's provision. And He never disappoints us.

Putting your money where your mouth is.

When we lived in Arizona, a Che' told me that if a person had wealth and a home and his famliy was not taken care of, that the person was living out of harmony.  A life in harmony distributes wealth and makes sure that everyone eats, everyone has what he needs, and no one person can flaunt their wealth over others.   He was a very wise man, and his way of describing stewardship makes a lot of sense to me - and it has worked for him for a VERY long time.

First I must preface this with the statement that this is in no way a glorification of some great thing I did.  That isn't my  purpose, though those comments continue to roll in, they make me feel uncomfortable.  What has transpired is merely the outward appearance of my inward belief that nothing which is technically "mine" really belongs to me.  When I am buried, someone else will take my home and my jewelry and whatever other earthly posessions I have.  The Lord will direct the location of my soul - so really, there is nothing that belongs to me.  Money is important only when we run out, so in the interim, I believe it is my responsibility as a good steward to be Christ to those around me. 

Several months ago, my brother, who has been incredibly brave in the face of his issues, ran out of money and ran out of hope.  I drove up to Indiana to pick him up, and at 3 in the morning, we loaded all of his earthly posessions into the back of my Jeep and made for Georgia.  He is in a better place now, both spritually and financially, though he just isn't completely "there" yet.  He needs a place, I have room, he lives with me until he is ready to go.  Seems pretty cut and dried - and it surprises me the number of people who think this is an extraordinary thing to do.  He's my brother, for Pete's sake and he was homeless, what was I to do, let him live in his car or under a bridge?  Sorry, not really an option.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, I found out that a single mom who is a friend of ours was being evicted.  She is also not in a good place mentally or financially.  And her son, who is 4, needs to be somewhere safe and clean.  So I talked with Jake about her situation.  Jake, who is already facing surgery , who is a teenager trapped at home as a result of the epilepsy, and who has plenty of reason to feel like life has shorted him.  In moments like this, I wonder if he is some secret angel sent by God to remind me that there is a purity of heart and a simple goodness in each of us - he just seems to have it in spades. You get the picture.  Jake offered to move into my room and to let this friend and her son have his room.  I was impressed.  Then, he took everything of his out of the room - without being asked - moved a mattress in and added clean sheets to make sure they were accomodated.  He and Josh moved all the furniture and assorted items to make way for these folks - with zero complaining.

I was talking to the boys about this, and was told that they felt that this was the right thing to do: that plenty of people put money in the cup for homeless people, but not enough open their homes.  Josh said it wasn't that difficult to accomodate someone and that it was the right thing to do.  I have to agree.  I am so impressed by his maturity and by his focus on things that are "enlightented" to use his word.

I love having the little guy around.  It is just joyful and exciting and loud and all those things the house used to be when my boys were little.  To be honest, I really was hoping to have another child back in '05, but that was not meant to be. I have missed the patter of litle feet - especially because now all 3 of my kids tower over me.  I'll like being a grandma, though, when that time comes - not rushing it, but I can hardly wait.

My dad was a CFO, and was markedly better at finances than I am.  He had always said that I should marry a man who could balance my checkbook and take that one very hated task off my plate.  Hasn't happened yet, and the checkbook still isn't balanced.    Instead, we have the current method, give until you are broke, then go make more money.    What, doesn't that appear really fiscally sound to you?

But an odd thing happens: the more I give away, the more I receive.  The less I focus on storing up my money, the more money there is to store.  It is a little wierd, by earthly standards, but it is exactly what God says He will do.  I take one step, He takes the next three.  I invited these folks to stay with me, and I got a call 3 days later that I was getting a $7,000 raise this next year. Maybe you could argue that it was a coincidence, but I don't believe in coincidences. So, since the current system does not seem broken, I will not fix it.

More updates to come, as having 6 people in the house makes for some interesting stories.