25 Things about me....

1. I lost the soprano range of my voice singing at dime beer night at the Blue Bird when John Mellencamp came to play the 3rd set. I couldn't talk for 6 weeks. ( this is mind blowing, I know)
2. My dad's obituary got messed up in the Indianapolis paper and lots of people he knew didn't even know he died, I regret that I let my mom talk me out of republishing it.
3. We spent one perfect day in Minnesota while we were at Mayo Clinic pretending that Dad wasn't sick and enjoying the outdoors - we went to Wabasha ( see #4)
4. I love the Grumpy Old Men movies
5. I met my best friend at Parents without Partners while we were both hitting on the same man - neither of us kept him.
6. My grandmother ended up married to the priest who married her - about 5 years after he left ordained life. She loved ladybugs and I see them everywhere.
7. The first boy I dated didn't know my age - and he was 6 years older than me - yikes! 8. I want to grow up to be Aunt Meg in Twister - minus the tornados.
9. I get along with most all of my exs - in some cases better than when we were together.
10. I rode the mechanical bull while listening to David Allen Coe at that bar in Dallas
11. I have been a mom since I was 20
12. I'd have 10 more kids if I could - not that it is advisable.
13. I stopped lying about my age when I turned 21 and could buy bourbon legally
14. I hate shoes and socks -and short of glass or ice, will go barefoot outside even when it is freezing
15. My parents were born in the same hospital 13 days apart and were together in school from the 1st grade.
16. I can still throw a wicked spiral right in the numbers - a result of being Dave Loner's daughter,.
17. I lettered in Football and Basketball as a trainer in highschool - but I still have the letters
18. Stephanie Rogers paid a boy that we knew to kiss me in 8th grade.
19. I would rather fall asleep outside in the sunshine than alone in bed at night.
20. I love being Catholic- won't try to convert you but will not hide what it has done for me either
21. Lora and I have stories we will take to our grave - they were that good
22. The kids and I almost slid to our death coming over the Lukachukai Mountains when the road from Farmington iced over. We stopped about 5 inches from the edge of a cliff.
23. I saw the Indy 500 from the infield - more times than I care to admit.
24. I worked as an ER nurse in a small hospital in Monticello and held several peoples hands as they crossed
25. I have almost no planning skills - if there is money in the bank, I like to just go

Nothing says America like shooting something inanimate

About 8 months ago I met this wonderful man who runs a guns store. His store and his house just exude masculinity with leather chairs, huge TVs and deer heads mounted on the wall.  I knew we'd be friends from the first time I talked to him on the phone - and we are.
At our first meeting, he asked about what I used to protect myself when I was going to a person's house.  I proceeded to give him a very stupid blank stare- I'm a nurse, I don't carry weapons for Pete's sake.  He was aghast and got up from the table to get a knife for me to carry.  I still have it in my van- but I just cannot see whipping that thing out like something out of West Side Story, but it is reassuring to have. So months went by and we had conversations about personal protection. Being a purveyor, he has some really cool stuff and the more comfortable I got with that equipment, the more I wanted one. And so it was that when my tax check came in I became a real American and exercised my Second Amendment rights and purchased a piece of Smith&Wesson's latest. I followed Mark's advice and bought what he suggested and have been very pleased. The truth is that guns scare me - I've seen what they can do to people in The ER and it isn't pretty. I took that baby to the range and ran through several hundred rounds until I could hold it without shaking. Then came the cost sale...and one of my friends got a shotgun for skeet shooting and home defense....I fell in love right then. I called my friend and told him I had the bug and he set me up with a beautiful Remington with a manageable weight- because, as he noted, I am still a girl even though I have muscular arms (thanks alot buddy). My favorite thing about this friend is his quick sense of humor- he is one of those guys whose one-liners have you in stitches begging for mercy and breath. He does his own radio commercials and the one for Memorial Day had the title in the tagline- priceless and funny. I've been blessed in a number of ways this year, but this friendship has been one of the best. He has shown me that I can love a man as my friend and be comfortable without being romantic. Proves that you just never know what will happen or who will come across your path. p

The Escapees of Tin Loong

I am in the North Georgia mountains today.  Such an eclectic mix of people- mountain foks who have lived here for generations, retirees from Atlanta with money, and old hippies - lots of old hippies.
I stopped at the local Chinese Buffet - if I am gonna get my vegetables and do something more about my waistline, I have to eat something other than fast food - and they have wonderful vegetables at this little buffet, so I nearly always eat there.

I was preoccupied, reading love notes, to be honest.  I am sure I had a silly grin on my face - love notes do that to a girl. 

A little white-haired lady came to my table with and asked to borrow a chair - I said sure and she immediately starts to move the chair while juggling her cane.
Holy cow - I get up to help her and find that she is moving the chair to the next table over.  She thanks me...then the little man with the walker thanks me and starts to sit at the chair adjacent to mine. I tell him, he must be having a pretty good day - having lunch out with a whole group of pretty women. His wife moves him to the other side of the table - he says" sorry, honey, my wife is insisting that I sit by her instead"

Ha!  Makes me giggle.

They thank me again for the chair ( which then gets me giggling because it isn't as though I built it for them or anything - I just moved it like a foot over)

Then the wives get up to get food from the buffet - leaving the two guys at the table.

Now I am back to reading my notes and there is a figure leaning over my table.  The other older gentleman leans over and asks if I am busy
I'm reading email, I tell him
Well...
he leans way over the table to whisper to me
"we escaped from the nursing home.  Don't listen to a thing we say, we don't get out much anymore"
The twinkle in his eye makes me wonder if this might just be true
And the giggles overtake me - those poor folks in the restaurant probably thought I was drunk.

There is nothing more charming than someone with a kind heart and an easy laugh - those cute little old men just made my day.
And wherever they are- I hope they enjoy their day of freedom!

Just Sayin'

My feelings are hurt and I just need to vent this. Nothing worse than having someone act like they have you pegged when they really don't know you at all.

I am 44 years old. I pay monthly on the student loans which paid for my two bachelor's degrees that I earned while I was a single parent and working full time. Both times.

I have been a mother since I was 20.

I have survived not one but TWO husbands who tried to kill me and a couple of others who bankrupted me and a number of them who have been unfaithful and then bailed out when the going got tough.

I sat through my 3 year-olds 6 hour brain surgery and then took him and my other two kids under the age of 12 home by myself to continue single parenting while he recovered. His dad and new wife went home.

I have moved these same children to a number of different addresses because they are my responsibility and in order to make more money, we had to move to a better job. My middle son attended 13 different schools.

I watched my son have over 40 seizures in the past 18 months, including one which lasted nearly half and hour and three that were induced in a hospital. I sat with him for 5 days at Cleveland Clinic- his father called once. Hope it wasn't an inconvenience.

I did not use an epidural for any of my three kids, I was too worried about it's effect on the delivery. I will NEVER EVER have the experience of a loving husband who is so happy about the lovely child we just made.

I have watched my daughter struggle with trusting men. I hope that with counseling she'll get through it, but honestly, the only men so far that have actually done what they said they were going to do were my Dad and Jesus - and both of them are in Heaven.

I have moved more furniture and boxes and toys more times than most Army wives.

I watched my middle son struggle with depression and identity and substance abuse and felt so incredibly helpless when I figured out that all I could do was pray about it.

I am ridiculous about having food in the pantry and a full fridge and worry about being able to feed my family even when I have plenty of money.

We spent over $13,000 in medical expenses last year treating Jake's epilepsy.

I do not believe anything I have is actually mine, but that I am entrusted as a steward of these belongings and I am to take care of them. Thus, sharing becomes easier if it wasn't yours in the first place.

I don't say any of this so that you will think I am so wonderful or so brave.

I say it because I am not brave, I am scared and often lonely and have nothing in the history which is my life to back up the belief that someone will love me back some day and stay with me except blind faith.

My family said I am intimidating, because I appear like I don't need anyone. Who the hell doesn't need ANYONE?? Of course I do.

I say this not because I am strong, but because I was put in these impossible situations and didn't have anyone else step up, I had to. I don't know what that means exactly. My dad would say that it was because I didn't have the luxury of falling apart. Well, you know what, sometimes it would be nice to be the one who is allowed to fall apart and act like a girl.

BUCKLE UP

My mom lives in Florida now, a result of having sold the lake house and moved to where there is a lot more to do. She relocated to The Villages, a retirement community for people who really want to maintain their active lifestyle - and she is never wanting for things to do or people to do them with.  While it took me a long time to get over losing the lakehouse, I can clearly see that the move has brought her back to life and that she is happy - so it's well worth it.  Lately, she has a friend who takes her for rides on his Harley.  My mom does this.  She may have been more of an adventurous soul than I thought!  I love the idea of her experiencing the freedom of riding the open road - and at 73, what is the worst that could happen?  Her life has an element of speed, something that normally I don't associate with her - but her daughter is intoxictated with speed...I like fast.  ALOT.

I am a closet fan of TOP GEAR- and I love to watch those guys go fast and run amok.  Growing up in Indy, I come by that addiction honestly- there is nothing like Indy in May - the roar of the engines at the speedway and everyone in town driving like they want to be Mario Andretti.  Just writing about it brings to mind those cookouts at the neighbor's house where they would have a backup Indy car in the driveway - burgers grilling, beer flowing and the conversation of contented people.

In April, I celebrated my two friends' birthdays.  I have had kind of a disjointed circle of friends since the divorce- mostly due to my own awkwardness - and I hate feeling like I might run into Justin at any moment - so I just declined invitations.  Not my smartest move.   At any rate, I went to the party and my friend Eileen had a bowl of fortune cookies as dessert (I don't eat cake, and I don't eat the cookie part either, usually).  I opened the first one "buckle up" is what it said.  We laughed and I declared that I'd be more careful with my seatbelt.

Then the conversation turned to my kids and I was pleased to report that Jerra and Josh both are working to try to get places of their own- I am soooo proud of their hard work and their willingness to do real labor to get what they want.  Then Eileens boyfriend came back with the bowl of cookies- they insisted that I got shorted on my wily fortune - so I picked another one.  Buckle up.  Again.  So now this is an admonition - I remark that I am a little afraid to drive home because it sounds like I am in for a bumpy ride.
So the cake comes around, we eat dinner, have a couple more Cokes and the last time the bowl with the cookies comes around.  I cannot even make up how freaked out I was when I got the same fortune a third time.  Truth is sooo much stranger than fiction.

We joked about this for days- and when I made it through without an accident or an issue - I figured I had avoided whatever the mishap was because I was buckled up.

But God has a sense of humor- recall that this is the creator of the platypus, and puppies who trip over their own feet - so it seems that it was a warning about the impending speed of my life. 

The kids were planning to move out - but now their timeline is greatly increased as I am moving out of this house and into a new life.  I wanted a change of scenery and more importantly, I was thinking of moving home because several of my close girlfriends are back home now - I'd like to grow old surrounded by these friends and also have my extended family.  I was hoping that Jerra and Josh might go with me - the time hasn't come yet to make a final decision - but it is likely that my time of mothering three kids alone is almost over - just like that and nearly as quickly as it started.  My time of being alone - almost over - starting a new life in a new home with my Love- so very near to reality that I can scarcely believe it.  Hang on to something - we are going to go fast.  I might want to buckle up- though it isn't particularly bumpy, it certainly is FAST.

Near Miss

When I drove by your house last year, I didn't even know  it was you I was looking for.  I only felt the joy and acceptance which had been a part of our childhood when I looked at that side door.  Never imagined your parents were still there- wish now I had stopped by.  I drove through the apartments where I had delivered the weekly newspaper. I saw the house at the end of my street - remember the one where they gave out hot chocolate and hot dogs for Halloween- one year we went there twice.  I got out of my car and looked into that drainage culvert- remember when the rain would be heavy and that water was churning and deep?  I could envision us climbing down the cement walls and crawling around the grate.  I like the other part of the creek better- where we would catch crawdads and you could smell fresh cut grass wafting through the air.

I drove by my house, as though seeing those brick pillars would give me a moment of connection to my dad.  I've been trying to find that version of myself- the bold and unafraid one- for quite some time and I hoped that seeing the place where I saw her last would help.

I went to the Reyburn's house and talked with one of the boys- the pool where we played sharks and minnows and Marco Polo a zillion times still looked the same. 

I have such beautiful memories of that time and that place in our lives. My gosh, no wonder I thought the world wouldn't hurt me- we lived a wonderous life.

Tonight, though, I wonder if my friend is right: if I would have slowed down, would I have seen things differently.  I don't like to torture myself with "what-ifs" but they do make me thankful that I said yes to dinner and discovered the miracle of falling in love with my friend.

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You're Amazing

Any of you have been following for a period of time will know that my love life is the stuff of Greek Tragedies: naked preachers, drunks, Peter Pan.  It has not gone well - and I finally figured it out.

Knee-deep in my latest attempt to prove to someone that I was worth their time and energy and love the most remarkable thing happened.  I found out what TRUE LOVE actually was. 

I've had a crush on one of my friends for months now - and each encounter I would tell myself that things were getting better, moving forward, making progress.  This fits the way it always goes, I work hard, and by virtue of receiving all that affection the object of my affection believes they are in love.  Well, this one wasn't budging.  He is a good man, and deserves someone great so I did something I've never done before: I turned it over to God.

For Lent, I went to daily Mass and each day I prayed for this man's heart and I prayed that God would watch over my soulmate because he must be as lonely as I am - trying to figure out why no one else fits.

10 days passed - nothing
20 days passed  - nothing
30 days....well you get the picture.

Then on the Tuesday before Easter, I just couldn't take it anymore.  I thought I had seen progress and then, nothing.  I was really hurt and so I turned to the only Man I knew could help.  I told Him that He knew my pain - that He knew I had tried to make it work before and it just didn't. I asked Him to show me what else I needed to change.  And in perfect form- I cried until I fell asleep.

Then a miracle happened - but being a little dense, I didn't know it.
I got an email from one of my childhood friends - he was in Atlanta and wanted to know if there was anything fun to do here.  We met for dinner - and what followed was easy conversation and lots of catching up.  We closed down the restaurant.
Since it was so much fun, we tried it again the next night - again closing things down.
I didn't feel alone anymore - I had found a friend who had experienced a lot of the same things I had- and he was easy to talk to.  It was awesome.
So weeks pass and the emails get more and more frequent.
Then I asked him if he had thought about kissing me - and it turns out he was still thinking about it.

This is odd to me because love is supposed to include making all these adjustments and melding lives and working to sync up to the object of your affection.  I don't know what THIS is.   I mean, I have heard it before, how people just click or just know - and I honestly thought it was bullshit - the stuff of romance novels.

Last weekend I went to see him - for two reasons.
One, I didn't have a definition for what this was- and I didn't want to mess up a great friendship with all this talk of kissing.  A part of me thought that he'd kiss me and that would be it - it would be like kissing his brother or something and then we would shake our heads and agree that a friendship was best.  This was honestly what I thought would happen - and since I was still in contact with the object of my infatuation and he had agreed to go to dinner and a movie - I wanted to be able to enjoy that without thinking about my friend from Indy.
Two, There was a spark at dinner and I found myself waiting anxiously for his emails and wanting to talk to him again. I can tell him anything and I have not had to be anything but honest.  I love the things that he says and I knew there was the possibility that it might be magic.
Okay - so maybe that is the same reason - I had to know what was happening- and being an innately curious girl - I went to Indy.

And when I kissed him, all doubt was removed.  It is like being home- there is laughter, teasing, joy and for the first time not only do I not have to hide who I am- he has disarmed my defences and I couldn't hide if I wanted to. I haven't changed anything and he loves me.  What a miracle that is.