Quiet

It is almost 11 and the room is dark.  We saw doctors and nurse practitioners and assorted EEG and EKG techs as well as a slieu of nurses to start this journey - and frankly, I am tired.

Jake was so intrigued by the sheer number of people in and out of our room that he started trying to call them all by name - something I am woefully inadequate at doing - and when he couldn't remember the names, he would just wave.  He had a blast and the staff is really taken with him.

We went down to breakfast at the Ronald McDonald house and amazingly, the one other family from Georgia happened to be down there.  I talked to the mom for a long time and when I get back over there I'll add her to FB and we can correspond.  We have had a lot of the same experiences with providers in the Atlanta area, and we are seeing the same docs here.  Her daughter has epilepsy as well and just had the sutgery to eliminate her seizures.   She told me to keep the room  - and since I don't believe in coincidences and I was looking for an answer to that question, I took the advice and kept the room.  It will give me solice for the next couple of days so that I can go and take a shower in peace.  The house is only 5 minutes away on foot - and I really loved the gardens.

Jake is wrapped up in his red blanket - the one I bought for him when we moved back to Lafayette 11 years ago - he said it was a necessity and 10 minutes after I covered him up, he was breathing that soft rhythmic sound of peaceful sleep.

Tonight I am focusing on the gift of good friends.  I have had so many notes, so many texts and phone calls with offers to help and to keep us in prayer.  This is such a blessing and I want to just be grateful for those people who stepped up.   What a gift they are to the soul.

What do you think about when you have 11 hours to think

1. I will never again make someone a priority in my life - not their feelings of guilt, not their discomforts, not their self-esteem, not them as a whole - when I am an option in their life.  I have two friends who were sent emails asking for specific feedback - and I got nothing back.  Not "screw you" or I'm in the middle of something - or gosh, that would be great.  Just a big fat nothing. 
Let's be honest with one another - it is my pride that is hurt.  The feeling that I am not valuable enough to someone for them to write me back hurts my feelings.  It isn't necessarily a reflection of who either of us is- but rather, a reflection of the mutual respect we have for one another.

2. I need to re-evaluate what I am doing to motivate my kids - and get them moving along their path.  I know I am doing some things already - but I need to think of some other ways to help - I'll have plenty of time this week.

3. I am going to stop apologizing for helping out nearly every person who comes to me whether I have the resources or not.  It is the right thing to do - and whether they are taking advantage or not is between them and God - and has little to do with me.

Gratitude from a Willful Girl

Somewhere,  Lord, between the silence and the sound
I felt Your Hand upon my head
The way my father used to pat my hair
With the strength of hand which knew work
And the conviction of a peaceful soul

I felt your warmth as the sun streaked through the window
Melting my doubts with the reality of being wrapped in you

I knew your presence as you reassured me in the readings
Of the mother whose only son was restored to her when you felt pity

Your holy sacrament refreshed me as cool water from a stream
and I smiled after communion when I noticed the wine had been chilled

I have felt your comfort as person after person has relayed
Stories of healing, of hope, of a life that was changed on this path.

When I was disappointed in the behavior of people and in myself
You reassured me that Your time was not the same as my time

Most importantly, thank you for reminding me that old habits are a dry well

That the Path of the Prince of Peace brings joy in the morning
In the knowledge that You are in fact the strong man I sought to hold me,
I hear you whisper that you have a plan and a future for us
Plans to prosper and not to harm us,
And in your mercy, you have granted me sleep and solitude.

One More Day

I only have to get through one more day until our adventure begins.  I am glad that the wait is over, but there is a nagging issue that hasn't been resolved.

I know, funny, isn't it, that everything is packed, all of our registration is done, records are gathered, vacation time has been entered and the gas tank is full, but the one nagging issue is about a person.

I have had lots of time over the last two weeks to talk with those men who needed a conversation - a way of clearing my mental faculties and clearing my dance card, so to speak.  I have spoken with nearly all of my close friends- and they have been wonderful. I've had a talk with the kids and with Nicole and David who are not kids - and I am sure that things will move along just fine while I am gone.

But there is still this outlier.  Thoughts of him are like a radio playing softly in the bedroom with music that I know by heart, breaking through my consciousness when things are quiet for a moment and forcing me to sing the words without even thinking.  I can't turn it off - already tried that. There has not been resolution, and today when I tried to set up a time to meet face to face, I was aware that this little song may just continue playing in the background for quite some time.  Frustrating, but a possible reality. I don't have a quick little answer to this, so if you have one, let me know....

Temptation and the Boatboy

My friend Lora had a great church home in Dallas and she relayed to me some of the pearls in the sermon about on Satan and Temptation and how he messes with our heads.  He is much more intent when there is more at stake: say a preacher who could impact an entire parish if he sins, or a group trying to institute a ministry which is awash in miscommunication, or a marriage where each person starts focusing on their own needs and their pride until the whole covenant is a mess.

He does this in relationships- where things are misconstrued and there is chaos and hurt feelings, - damaging the bond if the people in question don't realize where the strife came from. He tempts us to withdraw and pull away - and the more important this relationship is, the more drama he tries to make.   He also does this when we pray for something specific by putting up something before us that is almost the answer or the outcome we prayed for - but something is missing.  The temptation being do we wait for what the Lord has promised, or do we settle for the bird in hand.

I have surrendered my search for a partner - resolving to be alone rather than settle again.  Instead, I have asked God to send to me a man with a good spirit and a love for Him.  Everything else will fall in line if these two aspects are the same for both of us.    Liking football is important, but not a deal breaker anymore. I asked Him for this specifically in July and it has been my prayer ever since.  Maybe this has happened already, maybe it is still happening - maybe it is ten years off - no matter.  I know that God will do this for me because it is the desire of my heart to share my life with the right someone.   And because it is so closely tied to my heart, I know that Satan will try to mess with it.

So all of a sudden, I have had men ask me out in totally unusual situations: at the store, at work, from eHarmony connections I made 6 months ago, at church - just weird. I am 40, overweight, and look tired most of the time from the burdens I bear- I am not aging as well as Jennifer Aniston is.   It is unfathomable that all of a sudden the "magic light" has turned on - but weird things keep happening- and many of them are clearly a temptation. Choose any of these, and my real blessing could be put further away. I think these are sent to muddy the waters so that when the person I have been sent shows up, I'll have a more difficult time picking him out of the crowd. ( as an aside,  if you are that person, and you are reading this, could you please raise your hand so I am sure to identify you? Just teasing, I'll know you, don't worry)

A man I have been waiting for to ask me out, finally did after church this week. We went to breakfast and talked about life and other sundry items.  But in listening to him, really paying attention to what he said, I realized that he is not the one. He's close and I could make it fit - the thought actually crossed my mind  - but it is not what is right for either of us - so coffee-drinking friends we will remain. 

Then today, I went to Hartwell to see patients.  There is a lovely park bordering the lake which is desolate and quiet and only the sound of the waves is heard when you close your eyes.  I brought my laptop and my sweet tea, set my suitjacket on the parkbench and sat on the ground.   I was praying with my eyes closed and letting the sun freckle my shoulders, when I heard a boat go by.  I didn't open my eyes, and as it passed, the boatboy sounded the horn.  Instinctively, I raised my hand and waved.   My eyes were shut again as the sound of the motor faded away. 

I didn't realize it was turning around until I heard the engine shift into a lower gear, and I opened my eyes again. He was standing behind the wheel of the boat, waving to me.  I waved back.  He asked if I would like to come for a ride with him.  The lake is beautiful and the air is cooler over the water.

A million thoughts went through my head: the first of which was: can he get me back in time for my appointment? then -where did this come from?  Who is this man and why would he think I would hop on a stranger's boat?  Am I missing an opportunity? Is this who I was praying for?  Am I really the kind of woman who would jump in without any assurance about who he is at all? What exactly does he have in mind for this boat ride?  And the winning question:  what kind of man asks a strange woman on a deserted beach to get on his boat without telling anyone where she is and thinks that she will go?  The answer: an axe murderer who is going to throw my body into the lake after he tortures me.  Horrible, I know, but if you read the news, you know these things happen to foolish women in deserted places - which was exactly the position I was in.  Super.

I thanked him and said that I was expected and really only had another 5 minutes or so before I had to go. 

I closed my eyes and offered a little more fervent prayer for protection. "I'd really like to take you out with me"  I shook my head no, then exhaled as I heard the boat pull away, but I didn't run.

The boat changed gears again and came back before me, even closer to the shoreline, this time  in reverse. He was now only about 15 feet from me, and I could see clearly that he was a little gray, lean, tan, and in a pair of swim trunks.

"Are you sure you don't want to go with me?  It will be fun." 

Temptation, not satisfied with letting me get away after one "no thank you" came back for one more pass and for extra measure, he flashed a smile that indicated he meant it.  Just in case I was lonely enough - or foolish enough - to take the offer on the table the third time.

I thanked him again, saying that I wasn't making it up, that I had patients to see at 3:30 and that I really had to go in just a minute.  I flashed him the biggest most charming smile I could muster, then he pulled away- this time speeding up to plane the boat, and I gathered my things and left the park. 

It wasn't some superhuman feat, I was definitely tempted and had I lost my focus on exactly who it is I am seeking, I could easily have asked him to beach the boat and come sit with me- or found a way to get his number or give him mine. He was handsome, and had a great smile- but I don't know anything about his heart and that is not who I am looking for.  I have a million numbers, I don't need more numbers, I need to wait - and so again tonight, I will drift off to dream of someone with a good spirit who has been led to me by God's will. Wherever you are tonight, I want you to know that I will wait for you, as long as it takes for you to be ready,  because your heart is worth it - and so is mine.

Love is overtaking my life. Super.

Back in May, I was sitting with the other clinicians from the Atlanta area at an outdoor venue in San Antionio. Sweltering in the heat, we were all joking that with the extent our jobs take over our lives, that staying single was a good plan. We bemoaned the difficulties of balancing work and romance. There were 4 of us - now I am the only hold out - having received 3 wedding invitations, over the past week.

My cousin is also getting married in a month - adding a 4th invitation.

My dear friend, Spencer, is getting married, to one of the clinicians mentioned above.

I have said adamantly no thank you to my marriage-minded dates - and have purposely only spent time with people who were too busy to push for marriage.  eHarmony was probably not my best choice since several of my matches had real potential, but I wasn't in a position to move things forward.  As I grow older, there are more and more people who are willing to settle for a warm body - I absolutely refuse to be one of those people.  I will not settle ever again,  but I will also not run away if some one who is the "real-deal" happens across my path.
Love has not been good to me - at least not the romantic kind. Eh, it happens. But it occurred to me that perhaps I had dismissed connections in my life which had potential to be great relationships in favor of attachments that were unhealthy because I was "needed". This is not a good choice, by the way. I may have not been nice to Love in the first place - and have quite possibly ignored it.  The idea of getting remarried, which had never been a part of my future plans because of the situation with my son, has actually crossed my mind as a possibility down the road provided the surgery does in fact rid him of epilepsy.  I always thought I would be one of those single older women who volunteered at the church and lived next door to her son because he needed the support.  You know the ones with a big garden, a couple of dogs in the backyard and some quirky art form like windmills or organic canning. I have learned to crochet and knit already in my singlehood, so I am well on my way.  I have envisioned having my grandkids roam in the creek and make a treehouse in the pines just outside my bedroom.  This may still be the case, but there are possibilities now.

I actually told someone recently that I had a crush on him as a result of reading some of his writings-crush being defined as a temporary infatuation, not a profession of undying love and adoration (that has to be earned, despite my level of great respect for him).  I have a crush on Jeff Saturday- center for the Colts - who is way too young, way to rich and way to married to ever be interested in me.  I have a crush on Trace Adkins - who has the same set of disqualifiers.  But these are men whose work I appreciate, whose words and actions have caught my attention,  and made me respect who they are as men.   I don't forsee myself showing up on either of their doorsteps professing my love - but when they are on TV or on the radio, I listen to what they say.

For any of my male readers, you know that getting a woman to actually pay attention to what you say is at times a challenge- so in this scenario, a crush is not such a bad thing. I think that what he has to say is valuable and I want to know what those ideas are.

So while love is taking over my calendar over the next couple of months, it will be interesting to see if it actually sneaks back into my life while I am busy doing other things. I promise, here and now, that should it show up on my front porch, or my inbox, that I will be a more hospitable hostess than I have been.

Moving Day

While I realize that it is not actually my responsibility to mother the entire planet- those people in need of mothering who are in my immediate viscinity, will be mothered.  I called two boys "sweetheart" at the gas station tonight - and between them they probably wondered if I had plum lost my mind with their tilted hats and saggy ghetto pants.

You see, I am back in my groove- and today - I decided that we needed to get the girl and her son moved out of that unsafe place.  The story was relayed yesterday that there are people sleeping in her apartment and drinking and throwing trash and smoking weed even though she isn't staying there - all after she received her eviction notice.  These same people refuse to help her pack or move ( and if one of you are reading this:shame on you - you need a mother very badly). So her parents aren't here - her baby daddy is busy - and all those people who were proportedly her friends cannot be bothered to help.  Well.....what am I supposed to do, just watch her lose everything and self-destruct?

But the real issue is: this isn't between me and her - or me and her parents - or me and that cute boy Charlie - it is between me and God.  When He presents me with a challenge, I am called to see Him in her face - in her soul- in who she is.  Would I have let someone come in and trash all of Jesus' stuff because it wasn't my problem?  Man, I hope not - thought I know sometimes I can be a jerk - I would hope that I would do the right thing.

So we moved as much as we could - and honestly, I wish I had a picture of those kitchen chairs that were tied with strips of bedsheets to the top of my Jeep - or the subsequent trip with the tabletop duct-taped to the roof.  Oh it was classy!

( the picture isn't actually us, but it is pretty close!)Now the whole area next to the driveway is covered in her furniture and the assorted things we could salvage.  That second phase of moving the items into the basement will be done by younger hands than mine. 

The only casualties were the aforementioned sheet and two broken nails.   Not bad, considering. 

It isn't permanent
It doesn't repair the damage done by others
It does give muscle and bone to what I say I believe
and it was the right thing to do.

Now I am going to PASS OUT because working all day and moving furniture all night is a bit much for a 44-year old!

For the Record

it is entirely possible that all 6-year-olds are correct and people of the opposite sex ( especially boys) do in fact, have cooties.

Peace Descends Again

Sometime while I wasn't paying attention, peace has settled back in. I missed it. We used to be such friends, but over the past month, we haven't been talking much because worrying and anxiety were taking up all my time. But I have asked God to escort them out the door - and now peace has descended again.

I worked on the Confirmation Retreat and even got the situation at my former parish resolved- or rather I resolved that being upset with the way people behaved wasn't helping anyone, so I went back to being involved in the Confirmation Ministry. I dreamed about it and realized that I was saying "no" out of pride. So told the Youth minister that I am all in - and it felt really GOOD.

After Mass, Father had offered to give Jake the annointing of the sick - where the holy oil is used to bless the hands and head and heart - and special prayers are said asking God to grant healing as well as asking Him to forgive sins and give Jake a clean soul. I know, that is a LOT of work for a little bit of annointing oil! After Father was finished, Jake rubbed it over his scar and into his hair, using the green oil on his palms to coat those places that need the healing the most.

The amazing thing about the oils is the way it smells - like heaven- like purity - like love - I don't know how to describe it. It is like the scent of something holy and lovely and it catches me by surprise even these hours after the annointing. I am still open to the "poof" miracle - anytime now Lord that you want to do that would be fine.  But I am confident in our future - and confident that He is watching over us- and everything will be just fine.

The very few things I know for sure about love- for a girl I love.

Someone I adore is hurting today, and I wanted to repost this, because I still believe it is true.  Love does not discriminate based on age or weight or convenience of schedule.  When it comes, you should be ready.  Don't let love pass you by because you are too frightented- hold on with both hands and thank God for the opportunity. 

Love is as real as the sunshine and the air we breathe.  It is alive and it wants to come live with you.

I believe in love - and that we can love someone all of our lives and never do anything about it.

I believe that love has been the most powerful motivator in my entire life- and if people were not so afraid of what it could do,  love could renovate a lot of lives.  Even Christ told us that God is Love ( and not the King who likes us a lot, maybe an 80 on a scale of 1-100)


I believe that you cannot choose who you love, but you can choose what you do about it.

There are people who have stayed in my heart for years - long after any flame had been extinguished -a profound musician said that you never stop loving somebody, you just start loving someone else. I have found this often to be true.

Love can be frightening as its wake washes over you like a tidal wave, leaving you feeling naked and exposed. It is often worn on the sleeve and difficult to conceal  - perhaps because of its sheer brute force, Love implodes into a life and things are never the same.

Love honestly and as completely as you can.  There is absolutely nothing more tragic than a true love lost - except for a true love that never was because someone was too afraid to try. 

Fireworks are not necessary for you to love someone - but they are VERY rare.  If you do have fireworks, definitely pay attention and see where things go.  The intensity of a connection like that is a harbinger of things to come.  ( I am experientially short here, so I am not sure what things exactly, but there has to be something amazing after that kind of a start to a story, right?)

Sacrifical love - a love of service freely given - is what we are called to give. But there is a big difference between sacrifice and enabling. Loving does not mean allowing the other person to behave in a way that is harmful to them and to you. Love does not diminish accountability.  Truly loving someone can also mean standing up to them and being honest when no one else will.

Two people who love should come to that partnership equally strong - different areas of different strengths, but equally strong. My dad always said that both people had to give 110% to make it work - he managed to be married to one woman for over 40 years - but that is a whole other note. Just because you love someone does not mean that you are healthy for each other - and continuing down the same path of destruction is no help to anyone.

There is no shame in deciding that an unhealthy path can no longer be the one you follow. It is much more difficult to be honest - to be respectful - to let go. Those are the things that love asks of us. The ability to care about someone so much that you are able to let go if the time comes.   Sometimes closure is something you have to give yourself- and in so doing you honor the love that you shared with someone else. You cannot choose who you love, but you can choose what you do about it.