Sometimes

Some people are called to do great things- me - I think my life is designed to be a warning to others.

Seriously.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what I have been called to do. I spend a lot of time explaining how I handled a certain thing- how it blew up- and how I avoided it the next time. Funny, kind of, unless it is you in the middle of the muck all the time!

So I am thinking of writing a book on single parenting...looking back on what I've learned after doing this for nearly 25 years.

What do you think? All they could say is no- and then I am no worse off than what I am now.

And tonight, I will start the first chapter- after I am done having a lovely dinner and good times with my friends.

AMAZING- BREAK THE RECORD DAY!!!

It is with a humble heart that I tell you that today is BREAK THE RECORD DAY!!!!

We went to Cleveland Clinic 6 weeks ago, and as of TODAY Jake has gone over 6 weeks without a seizure-breaking our previous record which was 1 day short of 6 weeks. His medication is working! We are well on our way to the 52 weeks that he needs to get his learner's permit - which in his view as a nearly 16-year old, is probably the most important thing ever.

Cannot begin to express how very thankful I am. Honestly, I can tell you that this is not my best literary work because I am just to darn elated to worry much about how it sounds. The happiness feels like it is pouring out of my fingers and the grin on my face like a Roman Candle on the Fourth of July!!! Lord help the souls I see today, I am giddy as a schoolgirl and will be intolerably happy ALL DAY.

I am eternally thankful that the Lord has kept His promise when He said He had plans for us,plans to prosper and not to harm us. I am thankful that He still loved us when I lost it there in the hospital room and said some choice words to Him. Forgiveness is a powerful entity. I am soooo thankful to those who have prayed for us- complete strangers who lifted Jake up to Our Father in prayer, asking for healing. Thankful for the man, whose name I don't even know, who told his Rosary Group that he was praying for a total healing for Jake-his prayers are being answered. Thankful for those people who thought of us, sent us notes, gave us hope and something to believe in when it didn't seem like there was much to be thankful for.

I am thankful that He has seen fit to allow us to start back to a normal life again- a life without the fear that totally without warning, Jake will plummet to the floor and start seizing. We have lived with almost 2 years of unpredictable seizures, having the confidence that he can make it more than half an hour without us checking on him has been so liberating for everyone in my household. I cannot express the joy and hope that come along with seeing him thrive and actively work on getting his life back to a NORMAL teenager's life.

In celebration, we are headed to the Golden Corrall for dinner- for those of you NOT hosting teenaged boys in your house, it is an all you can eat buffett with tons of good food - and lots of desserts that I just don't keep here in the house- so Jake will be in Heaven.

It was that nagging voice in the back of my head, which is the Holy Spirit at work, which prompted me to take him to Cleveland, spending money we didn't have to get there. And as usual, the Holy Spirit provided understanding of the situation and a clarity that I didn't posess.

I am so extraordinarily blessed to have Jake as my son. His gentle spirit and willingness to help just astounds me. Sure he has normal teenaged moments, but overall, he is just a joy.

He has decided that he would like to go back to High school now, a big shift in plans as we have been preparing him to take his GED in a couple of months. He wants to play football- The Replacements, The Blind Side and about a dozen other football movies have occupied his attention of late- and at 6'3" 260# it seems like a great outlet for him.

However this whole epilepsy situation plays out long-term, I for one am thankful that for today, we are seizure free for 6 weeks! Thank you, Lord from that place in my heart that You know is true.

Joys of a Very Plain Life

I have a couple of close friends who live nearby. Sometimes, my adventures with them are just so exciting that I forget that I live a very mundane life.


Last weekend, my friend's kids were just on her last nerve- as kids are wont to do. When I walked in her kitchen she looks me in the eye and says: I was really upset a couple minutes ago, but now I've had a Lexapro and I feel just fine". She swears it works that fast ( placebo effect is all that works that fast)


Then we were at the park cultivating our tans and walking around while the kids played basketball. There was a man who got his two HUGE dogs out of the car, after putting down a little pink matt for them to hop down on. He proceeded to walk them around in his tan non-descript outfit- not bothering anyone. As he goes to load them back in the car, my friend says: "See that guy? He is definitely a child molester, it is a good thing we're here!" And I had to laugh - we are at the park with 15-18 year old teenaged boys- not sure who would want to steal them - but I'd be willing to bet they could take care of them himself.



There was also a very handsome young Hispanic man who was walking with his daughter. Broad muscular shoulders peeked out from his red t-shirt. I was about to remark that he was handsome- and then- I noticed his pants. Honestly, I think his wife knows he is handsome and quite possibly told him they looked great on him. I swear they were made out of that red and white tablecloth material. Nice. Checkerboard shorts as protection against wandering eyes at the park. Good call.


The final straw came when this little tiny Asian girl came walking past with a group of friends. My friend looks at me- I know the comment is coming - but there is nothing I can do to stop this. We are both chubby middle-aged Irish girls- curves are a part of our makeup. She looks at me and says: You know what we need to do? We need to figure out the gene that makes Asian people thin and bottle it. We could win the Nobel Prize."

When God moved from Abstract Idea to Reality

I have been listening to Mark Hart, the "Bible Geek" a lot lately, and in a series he did on knowing Christ he hit upon something that I have never been able to put into words, exactly.

I have lots of friends who believe- they know that God is real- they try to live a moral life- but the whole idea of a personal relationship with Christ is abstract at best. Not that they don't listen to the preaching or that they discount what they learn, only it is still in their heads and not in their hearts.

Mark said repeatedly that the longest distance for any Christian is the distance between their head and their heart. So very true.

I grew up Catholic- spent 12 years in Catholic school where there was daily religion class and Mass several times a week. My head "got" what I believed and at times, it reached my heart, but not always.

I love to read other perspectives on being Christian- I have a whole bookshelf in my house devoted to religious writing - from the New Agey stuff like Women who Run with the Wolves, to the lives of the saints, the writing of Pope John Paul II and Mother Teresa and Saint Augustine- he's one of my favorites. But I also read Max Lucado, Gary Smalley, James Dobson, TD Jakes and a dozen other preachers who send email newsletters which serve as inspiration. I read Black Elk and Sitting Bull and publications about the Red Road- which sound a lot like St Francis of Asissi.

None of these things are the reason Christianity is not an abstract concept to me - though they help keep the relationship healthy.

Mark hit it on the head ( I'm paraphrasing here)
It is not until you have faced suffering and death as a reality in your life - until you NEED a SAVIOR and not just a buddy or a listening ear that you truly know Jesus. When we are at that point of desperation and we feel the magic fortifying power of His Grace- in that moment where we surely could not have stood alone, that we know Him as reality, In that moment, He goes from public figure to intimate friend.

It is then that we stop questioning whether a group of first century fishermen were willing to create a religious movement, leave their families and their hometowns, and be brutally put to death for their beliefs. In that moment where we intensely feel the hand of Christ upon our lives, it all makes sense. It wasn't their belief in the movement- it was their belief in Jesus- in who He was to them - the breathing- talking- laughing-joking- charismatic- man's man who walked the roads with them. They didn't die to promote a religion or a church or a building or a theocracy, but they would certainly die to follow the teaching of their friend.

I have friends like that - ones that I would go to bat for no matter what - ones that I would die for - I imagine you do too. Funny thing is, no matter how much I try, I will fail these friends at least once- maybe a dozen times even though I love them. It is the same with with being Jesus' friend. We all fail - and each time we do, He is there and willing to forgive.

I have faced death way more times than I should have - with a baby who would stop breathing - then a teenager who would seize in the most inopportune locations which put his life at risk. I have had 2 people try to kill me - not just the Ogre, but my first husband as well. I have sat awake all night watching over my kids to make sure that no harm came to them, like some figure out of WWII sitting in a bunker waiting for the enemy to come storming in. I have held the hands of a dozen dying people when I worked at the hospital and faced Death when talking to my dad about his imminent passing. Maybe that isn't more than other folks- some peolple see more death than that before their 2nd birthday - but for me, it was in those times that I needed a savior- a deliverer- a hero to swoop in and save me.
And He did, just like any good friend would do.

I know the plans I have for you

It has been over a month now since I took Jake to Cleveland Clinic to evaluate his epilepsy. Surgery was denied, my heart was broken for him, and yet in the midst of that there is always hope.

Last Saturday, while watching Notre Dame play he looked over at me and said " I really miss playing football".

and my heart fluttered a little bit.

and I thought about what it would be like to re-enroll him in high school
and what a royal pain all that was for me
but how very much he loved it.

And the answer just came out of my mouth: well, if you want to go back and play, we could make that happen.

Jake is in the midst of his growth spurt- at his last visit with the neurologist two weeks ago he was 6'3" and 260#. He is a massive human being - perfect size, though, for a lineman or any other Paul Bunyan sized job you might need done.

Back in June, he was in the pool and had a seizure as he was coming out of the pool. Our friends, Nick and Jim Auby happened to be at pool right as it happened. Jake, being a substantial person who was now dead weight, needed to be pushed and pulled out of the water. Thank God that Jim and Nick were there to help Brady and I get him out of the water.

The beauty of this possibility is that if Jake were to go back to school and play ball, he would be an offensive lineman responsible for protecting Nick Auby, who will be the quarterback in the same age-group. Seems only fair, doesn't it.

So then there is the question of letting someone with epilepsy play football- I googled it- there are about a dozen pro players who have well controlled epilepsy- and tons more who play high school and college ball successfully.

We have had a month without a seizure- and he feels good - and he is sleeping well- and for right now, he has the potential to get a normal ( thought well medicated) life back. Makes sense that he would want one.

There is a passage in Jeremiah that I have thought of often during these days of uncertainty: I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a bountiful life and a future. Those words give me comfort - and in the -past couple of days as I am thinking about sending him back to school, I wonder if this was perhaps the plan all along. We shall see.

Loner's Leap

I used to call the little farm we had on our acreage Loner's Ridge, fashioned loosely after the Ridge in Diana Gabaldon's Outlander Series of books. That whole time seems like eons ago- no more husband, no more rushing to get to high school in the morning, no more little kids- they all tower over me now with Jake pushing 6'3". There is a season of peace- more time to sit around a bon fire and less time spent worrying about silly stuff. See the lounge chair in this picture? It came from the lake house in Buffalo, Indiana when my mom sold the house. My father made those chairs and they are more precious than gold to me.
I like living here unfettered, though the lonliness creeps in and I miss having a special someone, it is nice to have things the way I want them most of the time. There is a freedom in having a couple of acres to walk through in the morning.

Today was a perfect example- I got up with the dawn, made coffee, fed the dogs and then went out to the yard with my pruning shears. My privet bushes are over 6'tall now, so they needed a little trim. My cherry and nectarine trees are spreading out over the paths, so they needed a little trim as well. The fruit trees have been a pleasant surprise since moving to Georgia, they really grow well. I even took some peach pits from my canning adventure last year and planted those, to see what would happen. Not all of them took, but four of them did, and I have 4 lovely peach sapplings to show for it. So now we have: 1 Nectarine, 10 peach, 2 cherry, 4 pear, 3 apple, 2 plum, 3 fig, 2 pecan, and 2 persimmon trees. Thank God we have 3 acres. As I typed this I just realized that I am really making my dream of having a little orchard a reality. Huh, funny how those little things all add up. There are muscadine vines, elderberry bushes, blueberry bushes and blackberry canes all waiting for next year's harvest. The whole yard seems to be settling in for the winter, ready for rest, ready for the peace that is winter here, and awaiting the possibilities of spring. Seems like the garden has the right idea. We have renamed the house to Loner's Leap- as each day is a leap of faith- trusting in the Lord's provision. And He never disappoints us.

Just a moment of complete honesty and then back to our regular program.

My friend, YoJ did a post where you are able to say the absolute truth to someone without identifying who they are. I thought about it all afternoon, and my absolute truth is for three people- and it is nearly the exact same truth:

Do not waste your chances at having someone who loves you. You will never be thin enough or healthy enough or strong enough to be ready for love. It is a gift given to those who accept it when it alights in your life. There are those who miss it, and regret it later when they realize the treasure they had right in their hands.

I have done that once and have paid the price- it is invaluable to have someone who thinks you are the world- and it is exceptionally rare. Do not turn away a soul which is not in the package you anticipated. Be open to the miracle of love.

You are throwing away chances that do NOT come along every couple of days, and in so doing, mocking the love you so desperately desire. Stop playing games, ignoring calls and messages, stop bouncing between the idea that maybe you are better alone and that you are really lonely. Stop worrying about what other people say or if you can do better. Everybody needs somebody- that need doesn't make you weak, it makes you human.

I can guarantee that there will be hard times - and times when one or both people wonder what in the heck they have gotten themselves into and then think about leaving. There will be heartaches and pain and overwhelming joy and peace all in the same day sometimes. But most important, there is the deep knowledge that if the opportunity passes, we will be missing out on an amazing blessing that isn't doled out every day- and the only people to blame will be ourselves.

And now for the second part, to this person, you know who you are, I need to say these things: just be true. If you want to see me, then please let me know that. I don't want to wait to spend time with you when you are stronger. It is not your former persona that I want to be with - I didn't know that guy at all - it is who you are right now- flaws and all that has my attention. One human to another. Pick up the phone and let me hear your voice.

A little Duality

Many years ago, when I worked on the psych unit at Wishard Hospital in Indianapolis, Dawn, one of the nurses, was reading a book about Jungian Archetypes. I thought it was mostly baloney, but was interested because she was interesting. Women who run with the Wolves has really helped me understand who I am in relation to the rest of my world. It explained that things go in cycles: life death life, spring summer fall winter, full moon new moon half moon....you get the gist of this. This has helped me to cope a zillion times as I look at beginnings and endings- and even those flat places in the middle of something that used to feel passionate - as a normal part of the cycle. These places used to panic me - when something ended I would try SOOOO hard to make it stay, even though the wiser part of me knew it was over and as new things were coming along, I would resist them despite the inevitability of their path.

It also helps me to understand beginnings - especially when those are fiery and spark-laden and not at all what I expect. Those signs are not to be ignored or dismissed as just a carnal reaction. Sometimes our neuroses are calling out to another person's neuroses, surely, but sometimes that initial indication is a sign from the universe to pay attention. We are so inundated with things designed to catch our attention that I think we lose that art of paying attention and being where we actually are.

I think the most important aspect of being human is just that: being human. We are not just spiritual beings. Much as I would love to always be a being of light- just loaded down with kindness and love - and deny the other aspects of my person, it is just not the case. We are at the very least dual creatures: spirit and flesh. You cannot feed one and deny the other - they are like twins trapped in the same body and both must be cared for.

My spirit needs food- needs the nourishment of time with friends and good company, needs inspiration and a foundational understanding of a moral code - of how the world should work. My spirit needs meaningful work and time spent volunteering. For me, time spent reading about how Christians have integrated Christ's teaching into their lives is also great food- it helps me more clearly see the path before me.

But this cannot be done without caring for the body as well. Not just the basics like water and healthy food and safe housing, but those physical aspects which are equally important. So often people are embarrassed about how they physically respond to other people. I heard a wise man say that he was married, not dead, when he turned to look at a pretty girl walking by. It is a totally normal part of who we are as humans that we crave someone to love- someone to hold and someone to be with. We notice each other - it is just the way we are.

I was in the kitchen tonight when my son came up behind me and kissed my cheek- and I leaned over to kiss him back( he was standing behind me). It was not until after he spoke and I realized that it was in fact NOT my son, that I felt a little funny about it. Then there was the comment about how when I was younger I was "hot". I love that this was in the past tense. Thanks buddy. And in the next second, all I could do was reel because this comment was coming from a 20-year old kid - who may not view himself as a kid exactly anymore- and who, by chance, was the kid I had just kissed in my kitchen. Oh, yes, these things happen to me all the time. I am in mamma-mode trying to help someone and be kind and all of a sudden there is a subtle shift and things have changed. I'm not too quick on the uptake sometimes. This whole situation was innocent - and nothing more came of it - but it made me think about how a person who was starved for attention - I mean STARVED - could take this too far and put this young man in a very precarious situation. Lets be clear- I am not that hungry- and should I get that desperate, I will find a healthy outlet thank you very much.

What is so very ironic about this incident is that I am in fact becoming Aunt Meg- you remember Aunt Meg and her cows from the movie Twister- I've always wanted to be her - and maybe I really am becoming that which I seek. That would be SO COOL!

Now civility requires that we behave in a way that is appropriate- but being human does not mean that we totally deny the needs of the body for closeness and comfort. I heard Gary Smalley say once that he greatly appreciated the blessing of a healthy love life with his wife and felt that their ability to be together was a reflection of God's love for both of them. He speaks nationally about sleeping with his wife- I'd be willing to bet you that THEY had some sparks when they first met that made them a little nervous as well.

This was all just pressing on my heart today as I met this lovely couple today who met in their mid-forties and have now been married 27 years. I remarked how charming they were and they mentioned how they had both been married before and how blessed they were to find each other. It gave me hope that my season of waiting and being single won't last forever. Seriously, forever is a long time and with winter coming, I could use to be a little less single. It gets cold in Atlanta at night! This is just one of those flat places, where there are lessons to be learned in the interim- it is not the beginning anymore, that was over a year ago, and it is not the end, that hasn't come yet. I'll just keep breathing in and out and eating healthy and taking time to be with God and sleeping soundly on my very warm waterbed and taking care of my kids - and any other stray folks that happen to be around and when this time comes to an end and the next phase begins, I will already be a happy girl.

A leak by any other name...

I have a slow leak in my back tire which has necessitated twice a week trips to the air pump at the gas station.

Now this is not ground breaking news- but I will say that you can nurse a tire for a LONG time until you actually have to replace it. Good to know.

While we were at QT the other night there was a dad with his daughter and her new bike filling up the tires.

Jake and I decided to go in - as we always do- for a drink.

Now for those of you who do not have a QT, let me say that it is a beautiful array of drinks: frozen coffee, four varieties of regular coffee, milkshakes, slushes, smoothies, fountain drinks- and my favorite: fresh brewed iced tea. Best sweet tea I have ever had - and I will gladly give my last dollar for a refill on a 90 degree day. To be honest, I split it, half sweet and half unsweetened because I am still a transplant and I full sweet tea is a little sweeter than I can handle. The place is always clean - bathrooms, parking lot, floors - just a refreshing change from normal gas stations. I put nearly 4,000 miles a MONTH on my car, so I spend a lot of time at gas stations- and finding one that is clean is a big deal.
Anyway, Jake and I get our drinks and we come back out to find that the dad is still filling up the tires. Seriously?

He fills, then checks, then fills some more, then checks, then fills, and POP!!! He pops the tire.
Everyone watching feels deflated- as does the tire obviously. It was so very sad.....all I could do was say I was so sorry.

So moral to the story- a little less gas may be better than too much gas.

Feeling very much more like Pack Mule than Princess these days

Some days, it is easier than others to be giving.

Today, I have worked my tail off - only to find that someone was unethical in their dealings and that I may have to disappoint a number of people and give bad news that has nothing to do with anything I have done- but will probably require I endure some fussing. Super excited about that prospect.

Sometimes work requires tasks that I absolutely wouldn't do unless someone paid me - and this is one of those tasks. But I love my job and I love impacting people's ability to care for themselves well and get their lives back - so I will be ethical in my dealings and try to make it right.

My daughter is struggling. Unfortunately she has followed down some of the negative paths I have and as a result she is hurting. I had hoped that my struggles would be enough to help her choose more wisely, and instead, it seems they have been an excuse for her to make many of the same mistakes. Why is it that we hurt the ones we love the most - and why can't we learn from other people's mistakes? This is so frustrating! There is hope on the horizon for her, and I know that in the long run she will be fine, but it is so hard to watch her struggle unnecessarily.

It seems like things just go from one crisis to another - thing after thing- day after day - and that there are a lot of days strung together where I am putting out fires. I wonder if my life is indeed a lesson to others. Maybe I will write a book about it - for posterity- for apology- for some reason as yet undefined. I listen to other people talk about things in their lives - and seriously, I don't hear about folks having 5 crises at once!!!

I feel tired right now - like the bone tired that makes me want to climb into the covers of my waterbed and just crash out for days at a time. I hate sleeping alone- and in all honesty, if I didn't have this ongoing long-distance love affair with God going on, I would feel incredibly lonely. I find such great comfort in attributing the little things that go well - like a free cappuccino when I am out of money - or finding milk on sale - or the sunshine on my head as I drive through the mountains - to God. I like the idea that someone actually likes me the way that I am.

My burden feels heavier today - maybe because I need rest - or maybe because I am acutely aware of my age and continued single-status.

I've met several folks on eHarmony because I am just not into the bar scene, I've met several men at church- but each time there is something missing. That something seems to be a spark or an interest more intense than noticing gum on your shoe as you are walking. I have turned this over - but I am impatient- even though love requires it of me. I am anxious and wonder if I have vested my attention in vain - even though love requires me to think well of others.

I don't know much, but I do know this:
If you have been blessed enough to find someone who is imperfect and who loves you back, you have found a great treasure and you should treat it as such. It is a gift and should not be taken for granted.

So to answer the question before it is asked: there is not a specific someone- but there is the spectre of someone who will be here eventually and I would love that to be sooner rather than later. I could seriously use one evening to just be a girl and lay my head on his shoulder and let the world spin without my assistance.