I'll change the litterbox, honey

Researchers in Australia discovered that a kind of toxoplasmosis has mind altering properties which enhance a woman's sex drive, while, decreasing both the drive and the IQ for men. The CDC also has research that indicates this bacteria may also be a causitive factor in schizophrenia. Very very interesting what the mitchlorians can do!

Oh, I only wish I were clever enough to make this stuff up. I stole the link from Mahala's daughter - who found it first, clever girl.

Money in your pocket

At the beginning of November, I started a project to try to get our electric bills down - especially since during the height of summer-AC season, the bill was a whopping $350.

So I took the light bulb challenge - and changed out every bulb in the house ( except the ones in appliances) to the energy star reduced energyconsumption versions. It cost me about $40 to buy all new bulbs - and I changed out over 20 - in all the bathrooms, bedrooms, and light fixtures.

Then I unplugged the extra fridge in the garage and added a bit of weatherstripping around the back door.

End result, my electric bill is $80 less than last month, and $125 less than last year. That's about a week's worth of groceries for us - but I'll be happy to spend that money on something else.....okay, probably on a goat.

Ditto?

Today the US government decided that food from cloned animals is safe to eat. While I don't doubt that cloning can produce genetically identical offspring, it just makes me uncomfortable t0 think that there are so many chemicals already allowed in our food supply - and now both my vegetables and my beef can be genetically altered. Just seems like playing God a bit to often for me. So much of what I see at work is nutrition related. Don't get me wrong, the body is masterfully designed to have a number of back up mechanisms, so that if one thing is lacking, there is another to help us survive. But I see the effects of poor nutrition in all the inflammatory illnesses - fibromyalgia, diabetes, lupus, arthritis, hypertension, and the list goes on.

Most of what our immune system needs to fight disease and repair the body comes from the produce section - vitamins and minerals and antioxidants we don't even have names for yet. I believe in vitamins ( I hate salmon, so I take fish oil) But the quality of produce is declining - and repeatedly when I harvest my own, or buy locally grown fresh picked produce, the color and the flavor are just incomperable to what I find in the store - since the store stuff may have been in a truck for a week or so before it gets to the store. The same is true of those eggs from my hens - and the meat we've bought from local farms. There is just no comparison.

So for the New Year, I want to ramp up my efforts to make our place sustainable - so that I know where the food on my table comes from - and so that I don't have to worry about all the weirdness that comes from the grocery stores. Now if I could only get past this fixation that meat comes under cellophane, and not from the fields behind my house...

Caffeine

Why oh why do I love you so much - and more importantly - why does my brain feel all fuzzy until I have had you first thing in the morning! I feel almost adulterous in my love for you....

PS I'd be willing to bet that if the ridiculous rooster stopped crowing at 4am I wouldnt' feel so foggy.

Holy Shitake Mushrooms

Well, was Santa good to you all? He was good to me! I took the crew up to scenic northern Indiana to visit with my folks for Christmas - and in the process, got to talk to YoJ, my buddy Lora and actually had dinner with Alison. It was a long and emotional trip - but overall, it was a great Christmas - and we came home with Nameless Cake, that pistachio salad stuff, and a bit of ham. Not too shabby. My folks came through with an Indiana University shirt ( which I haven't had since I was a student many moons ago) and a Colts headband. We watched the defense choke once again on Sunday poor Peyton.

I had asked Santa (in the form of Justin) for a mushroom growing kit - he got me two. First, the Shitake mushrooms - I think because I use that phrase a lot - as in: shit...take mushrooms that hurt! It was only 30 this morning, so I have to wait to plant them outside, but I think I will work on getting them started inside. The other mushrooms are morels - which I loved picking wild in Indiana - and those puppies are headed out to a spot in my woods. The kit is enough for an 8 foot patch - I can hardly wait. Morels sauteed in a little butter - whew - heaven on a plate.

In other news, I got a great surprise which included soap that smelled like Texas Wildflowers - adn looked like cream and bluebells swirled together. There was also an oatmeal soap, that I didn't get to yet and bath salts as well as a ginger tea cream with corn starch - which I LOVED. There is nothing better than corn starch to keep the skin soft - and keep you feeling refreshed when it is hot out. If you haven't had a chance to try the soaps and lotions that Spit makes, click over to her link and check them out. All the stuff I love, none of the artificial junk that I hate.

We came home on Christmas Day, late, but happy to be back home. Yesterday we spent the morning hanging lights and moving cedar furniture out to the new back porch. ( and no, YoJ, I didn't christen it yet - it was only 30 degrees!) It was great, though, to just pop out the door and check the yard one last time - and again to see what Koda was barking at - all we had to do was walk out the door - SOOOOO much easier.

I hope this holiday found you surrounded by those you love. I'm back to the grindstone - but will post some pictures when I get a minute!

This December

First and formost - congratulations to Karla - and baby Nate, born 12-22-06. You can click over to see her story, but in this season when so much of my focus has been on letting someone go, it is wonderful to have a moment to welcome a new someone into the world.

The visit to see my folks has been tough this time. There have been harsh words, and I find myself ending my evenings with just enough vodka that it doesn't hurt. The tears are so close to the surface these days - and it isn't just my dad. It is hard to watch my folks, in what should be the autumn of their lives together, struggle to make sense of each new symptom, wondering if each new turn will mean the end. though they have handled it with outstanding grace adn poise, I have been around them long enough to notice those nuances that an outsider would miss. It is hard to watch two people who have found the love of their lives say goodbye.

There is Jake's struggle with medications and finding friends at school, Bear's struggle to love and allow herself to be loved while becoming an adult and starting to take on adult responsibilities, Josh's strugle with identity, and finding a balance between independence and disrespect, and the phase Justin and I are in. Things have always been a bit syncopated, where I am at one place and he is not exactly in the same place. But now, with all the balls I feel like I am balancing, there are more days that I feel alone, despite his very clear committment to stand with me. It is a difficult time.

I don't mean to be such a whiny butt at Christmas time, but there are times when despite all the sparkling lights and tinsel, that internally, things are not bright. Each new day brings hope - and brings all these things closer to resolution, but for tonight, I am off for another drink so that I can sleep a dreamless sleep, and make it through the night.

to my friend

The first Christmas after my divorce was final, was really difficult. Not that the divorce was the wrong thing, it absolutely was the right thing. But knowing I had loved and lost, well that was painful. Wondering where in the world I was going to get enough money to take care of Bear and I without borrowing - that was difficult. So I did what any good mom does - I did without. Who needs frills when you have peanut butter and milk to feast on?

We have families, we have friends, but I thought sending you something in that smiley package from Amazon might be just what you needed to brighten your days - as your words so often brighten mine.

Merry Christmas, my friend.

All I want for Christmas

Well of course I'd like peace on earth, restored health for my Dad and a job for my husband and daughter - but other than that, this is what I want ( the workers are framing the deck that will come off our bedroom through those French doors that right now open into nothing, and overlook the acre and a half of woods that makes up our little farm.

Thanks honey.

Its beginning to feel like Christmas

Friday night one of the girls I work with invited the group over for a Christmas party. It is no secret that I missed the Martha Stewart Gene - but my friend, she has it in spades. The appetizers were beautiful - and included marinated cold shrimp with thyme and bell peppers. We had apple martinis - with a little marachino cherry at the bottom so that it looked like a Christmas tree. Finally, after that, I was starting to feel the Christmas spirit.

Don't get me wrong, my presents are purchased and the lights are up - I just wasn't feeling it yet.

Saturday, I taught class during the day and then we went to my friend Mary's house. They have a dinner club at our church where couples get together and trade who cooks for dinner. Since it was the Christmas party - there were about 20 couples and the place was packed. As usual, we were the first ones there and nearly the last to leave. Nothing better than finally getting to know some of the folks in your church - especially after a few cocktails and without kids. It was a blast. One of the ladies there invited me to the ladies version of the Knights of Columbus - she is having the next meeting at her house and I am going to meet even more folks in January. I have a picture of Mary's Christmas tree - it is a fake one now, because the real ones were so tall that they kept falling down. This thing is easily 10 feet tall.

Sunday was spent finishing up all the things I didn't do on Saturday - like cleaning the toilets and trying to get the house picked up. I made some progress - but by midday - I was pooped, so some things didn't get done.

Monday the construction guys were supposed to get started on our deck - no guys, no lumber, it didn't look good. But they say they can build a deck whether we are home or not - so if I can't be home, then I just can't be.

I decided to work on the fence during the remaining daylight hours - and we moved a big section. The neighbor kids came over and helped unfasten the old fence posts - Justin had put in posts along the top perimeter of what will be the yard - so we put the fence up the ridge and tied it off. I am so anxious for our critters to have the remaining acreage to graze on - and I am hopeful that we can have the porch built and the fence up by teh end of January. It'll be great to be able to walk through our woods and go somewhere quiet. Even better will be the advantage of the goats getting better nutrition from browsing the woods, as opposed to just getting feed each morning.

Wow

Well, I took pictures of the cake, or what remained of it after the party. There are only three small slices left after the kids had it for breakfast.

I got a call from a recruiter yesterday about a job that would allow me to work from home - and I am tempted, though I dont' know how it will pan out. More to come later about that one.

Then I was talking to a girlfriend last night and we decided to go have a drink- or three - at the local pub - on a school night - without husbands or kids. Talk about some liberation, it felt great. And when Justin joined me later, that was great as well.

This weekend is chock full of things to do - I have more to do than hours in the day, but the anemia is making me so freaking sleepy, that I am actually forced to slow down. Personally, I think it is divine intervention - but whatever doesn't get done, well, just won't get done. And the world won't stop spinning just because I missed something.

Grandma Loner's Nameless Cake

We are having an office party of sorts today and we are all supposed to bring something - so I made nameless cake - without the walnuts because I have a co-worker who is allergic.

My dad gets nameless cake every year for his birthday, and there were a lot of years where I got one too. They are heavy, laden with walnuts and spices. They are the stuff of stories, including how my Grandma entered a contest with this cake, which is the roundabout way it got it's name - and how one year Tippy, our dog, licked all the icing off one side, and my mom and I just spread what was left over the cake, because when you make icing from scratch, it isn't a quick repair.

Nameless cake has become a family tradition, though we have taken the easy way on occasion and doctored a box mix to come up with a close resemblance. It is a chocolate cake - but also has hints of buttermilk, cinnamon and allspice. The frosting...mmmmmmmm..... the frosting - has butter, cinnamon, cocoa and a wee bit of coffee just for zing. There are about a gazillion calories in this cake, but this is the one time of year that it is worth it. When we cut it this afternoon, I'll take a picture so you can see it. But in the meantime, I am going to try to stop thinking about cake and do my work.

Hope

Somewhere, in the book of cosmic balance, it is written that occasionally faint prospects come through, lost causes carry the day, and longshots pay off. That's the place where hope is born.

Quote taken from this story.

My coworkers asked me today, how I can carry all that is going on: teenagers, Jake struggling through 6th grade, my dad being sick, my husband looking for a job and my own health issues. The truth is - I have been given the strength I pray for each day. Don't be impressed, it isn't me at all. It is a divine gift called hope.

Wise Men Still Seek Him

We spent $30 last night to go see The Nativity Story. Of course we did, because we sure would have justified dropping that to go see the new Harry Potter movie. I wanted to make sure that Hollywood gets the message - more stories with a moral, less blood and senseless killing, please. I want to be able to take my kids to see a movie and not have to cover thier eyes as someone is brutally and senselessly murdered - or when there are boobies on the screen. We paid full price to see Happy Feet, too - worth every penny.
It was beautifully done, the scenery, the humanity, and the three wise men, who provided both comic relief, and a portal into how it would feel to see the culmination of a prophecy. Joseph was likeable. I was troubled that Mary didn't seem happier, but as I was thinking about it this morning, it was a pretty big burden for her. She knew the prophecies of the Suffering servant, and the role that the Messiah was to play, and knowing the enormous responsibility of raising him rested on her shoulders - well, that was probably enough to make her a little somber. The story didn't totally jive with what I have been taught about Mary's life, but it was pretty darn close.
This was a great Christmas movie, and the directors saw fit to have rifs from traditional Christmas carols woven throughout the theme music. We enjoyed it - even Jake - who didn't want to see another movie about Jesus - said he wanted to know what happened afterwards.

As an aside, we had a conversation about how I "know" that Jesus was really God. You see, now that the kids are older, and are surrounded by people who aren't lifelong Catholics, they have questions about why we believe what we believe. It is reasonable - and frankly, I'd rather they thought about things and decided for themselves, rather than to just follow everything I say. And it occurred to me that just in case we couldn't put it together ourselves, there were signs - seen by lots of people- the star in the sky, the multitude of angels, the willingness of Herod to slaughter hundreds of babies to prevent the life of the Messiah - and then later, the tearing of the temple curtain and the earthquake at His death and resurection. I don't know if any of those outward signs accompanied any other great teachers like Buddah or the Dahli Lama, but I know most of them can be accounted for in historical documents in addition to the account in the Scriptures. The truth is, I really don't "know" at all. I have not seen, but I choose to believe, and the facts that I can research co-incide with what I believe.

peep peep

Ideal Poultry had a Winter Special - assorted breed chicks for about a buck a piece. Yep, they came in this morning, peeping at the Post Office. Inside the box is an array of colors, red and white and black and speckles - it is exciting because I don't know what breed they are! Pictures to be posted later.

Teddy Roosevelt - On Being an American

I didn't know Teddy Roosevelt - and I certainly never got to hear him speak in person, but I have always liked the character of him. He was responsible for pushing more and more land into our National Park program - and he loved the Land, just like me. My mom forwarded this to me this morning - and since yesterday was Pearl Harbor Day - a day to remember those souls who lost their lives in a sneak attack - it seemed appropriate to me.

I stay away from politics, mostly. I have spent nearly my entire career caring for people who were marginalized - and poor - and I have seen what people go through just to get here. I am Catholic - and I support the decision of the Church to actively pursue an amicable solution to the current immigration crisis. However, I also know stories of how my great grandmother helped the older German ladies learn how to speak English and how she would read their letters - I know that my family of Irish immigrants learned English and worked hard until finally there was a generation when all 8 kids went to college. People were bilingual - and that was fine, but if you went to the bank, you needed to speak English. I don't mind if you speak Bosnian or Spanish or whatever at home, but the burden on health providers and business owners to speak a second or third language to do business is silly.


"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."
Theodore Roosevelt 1907

It's not Easy, Being Green

I was going to post something profound after seeing the Break up with Jennifer Aniston, but today, my heart is heavy and I just can't . You see, my son is really struggling. Jake was born with part of his brain tissue relocated in his sinuses. At the time we discovered this, he was three and barely spoke in more than two sentences at a time. His "wiring" was off, even after the surgery, but he has caught up at an impressive rate, going from being 3 years being to now just a couple of months behind the other kids. His official diagnosis is ADD, but that doesn't adequately describe the odd thought processes he has. His school is hell bent on mainstreaming him - and he is the weird kid. He comes home and tells me that no one wants to sit with him - that no one wants to be his science partner - and I feel the pain even though he says "oh well". I am seriously toying with the idea of putting him in the Special Ed class, even though he is higher functioning than most of the other kids - but at least they might be kind.

It just breaks my heart, because he is emotionally like so many Down's Syndrome kids - who just love everyone and can't understand when people choose to be cruel to them - it breaks his heart - and therefore weighs heavy upon mine. I am not sure how he does it - continuing to go face hostile fire so many days of the week - but I know that God has taught us a lot about miracles and endurance through him.

We are adjusting medicine - for what seems like the hundredth time. He doesn't mean to talk incessantly for twenty minutes - or to dance and sing and spill his drink as he walks through the house - but the cumulative effect of hour upon hour of his antics start to wear on my patience - and when I look at him - he apologizes - and I know it isn't something he does on purpose. He has virtually no impulse control, he says bizarre things totally unrelated to what others are talking about - and he is painfully unsure of himself. I watch him with his neighborhood friends - in the world of our farm, and he seems to do so well - but at school, not so much.

I wonder how to let it seep into his heart that middle school and high school are such a minimal part of who we eventually become -That grades in school do not determine the quality of the man he will become - that someone will see his tender heart and sweet disposition and fall madly in love with him - that he will be a great father and good provider because he has so much love for folks and always looks for the best in them. I just wish there was a pill I could give him so that the days did not seem so long - and that he knew he could hold on long enough to make it through this.

A note about Women over 40

I have to say, that since turning 40 this year, I have felt oddly liberated - I am old enough to be someone's mother - I don't worry as much about what other people think - and I have become much more selective in who I choose to call my friend, having discovered that it is an earned title. My girl Lora forwarded this today - crediting it to Andy Rooney. Not sure if he said it or not, but I thought I would share!

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage! Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!

Banner Day

1. I walked over to the hospital to have lunch with my friends, they called me as I was on my way back to say they couldn't make it - then the rain started. This gave me an excuse to go over to KFC and get chicken and green beans - not the healthiest meal, but pretty easy on the taste buds.
2. I am completely done Christmas shopping - everything has been either purchased or ordered and I am happy as a clam about that. Mom and Dad allowed me to buy gifts, within reason, for the family so that Mom wouldn't have to struggle with figuring out what they needed/wanted. I am thrilled with what I found. Oh - and today, I found a present that I had forgotten I bought for Justin - just one more lovely thing added to the mix.

3. I started taking Udo's oil capsules - because I am a wimp and couldn't stomach the oil itself. I have noticed that I sleep so deeply and my dreams are way more vivid - like last night when I was sorting things out on these shelves and I woke wondering where they had gone. Even people who eat healthy have items that could use supplementation, I love the oil, I think it helps me - and possibly Jake and his ADD stuff. Time will tell.

4. Germ-X - the hand sanitizer people make a Harvest Spice version that makes my hands smell like oranges and cloves - like some kind of portable mulling spice, only it is attached.

5. Three people sent me the article about how pop/soda/coke is bad for you - even though I drink diet most of the time. There are some studies, though, which suggest that pop consumption and the use of artificial sweeteners can impede weight loss - so as of yesterday, I am down to 2 cokes a day. That is a huge reduction. This is partially due to the Crystal Light Green Tea and Raspberry mix - which I know still has the artificial sweetener, but lacks the phosphates and sodium in cokes. One step at a time.

6. I found a new GYN who specialized in managing menopause - though this may or may not be what is going on - at least she was kind on the phone and made up for the poor behavior of the doc I saw last week.

7. My husband may still be looking for a job, but he is an ace at laundry. Which cracks me up because it is not my favorite chore at all - but I love coming home to clean laundry. We vented the dryer into the house, which cuts down on heating - but the current mid-60's makes it feel more like a sauna.

8. I have been reading the Gluten Free Girl, who has tons of recipes and charming anecdotes. Today she posted a recipe for cream puffs - one of my favorite items of all times. I am not sure how much of my bread problem is gluten, and how much of it is actually a problem with wheat - but these looked beautiful and I can't wait to try them!

The chicken coop is green

Over the weekend, as on any weekend, we had a project: To move the chickens to a home of their own - away from the goats who tend to squash the eggs that our chickens have so lovingly set upon. About two weeks ago, one of our girls hatched a baby chick - and when we came out to feed everyone, the chick had already gone on to a better place
The chicken coop ws left out in the woods, and from what we gathered from the kids who lived in the neighborhood, it hasn't seen chickens in at least 15 years. It was ready for a break - so we put in a couple of pine branches for a roost, put supports under the nesting boxes, cleaned about fifty pounds of top soil off the roof, and spread new leaves and straw on the floor.

Jake and I cut brush and pounded stakes - then Josh came out and chopped some wood - and Justin helped hang an old door from the basement after he swept off the aforementioned top soil. A little green paint - which was originally chosen to paint the kitchen in the old house - and ta da - the old rusted tin chicken coop is now the House of Chicks.

Two of our girls are already setting eggs, so hopefully, we will have baby chicks for Christmas!

I didn't realize, until I saw the picture, that the door looks really stupid in brown, so I will be doing a bit more painting it seems.

The only casualty in this process was me. You see, I am unbelievably allergic to Poison Ivy - and those spiky no-touch vines in our woods. I have been faithfully washing up with Burt's soap, which has jewelweed for the oils, but on Sunday, we had company - and we visited for about 4 hours before I got to wash up. So now my hands look like I was lashed with poison ivy vines - and it is less than attractive. But the chickens are happy - Mr Red Rooster is much quieter, waiting until nearly 6 to crow, and the woods are slowly becoming a part of the useable land. Totally worth the casualty of my paws.

Real Thanks Giving

I read something written by YoJ and by Magz this morning, and it touched a place in my heart. Typically, when I write about religion, there are no comments, but I felt compelled to write something just the same, because, as Mother Theresa would say,
"This about you and God, it was never about them anyway".


It was not so many years ago that I didn't feel like I deserved a good husband - or anything good for that matter. I have joked before that I go to Mass every weekend because I have a lot of years of making up to do - but a part of me really believed that. I thought because I had made bad choices, because I had knowingly sinned and chosen to do things that were fun - but wrong, because I had been a disgrace to my family, that I didn't deserve any better. That woman standing behind Jesus while he drew a line in the sand, asking whoever had not sinned to throw the first stone, was someone I really identifyed with. I believed that I had to spend my life helping others be happy, but that my own happiness was to be denied. I have been to the confessional, so I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say, the answer I got back was life altering.

Over and over again, I have come to God only to be met with a look of bewilderment. Why do I want to remember those hurtful things - I said I was sorry, I meant it, I have tried to make things right when I could - and God wonders why, if He could forgive me, that I am not willing to forgive myself. Do I really think I know more than God?

And that started my brain analyzing - do I really think I know more than God - do I really think I should continue to punish myself when He has forgiven something? It reminds me of Job, who questions God only to be reminded that he was not there when God flung the stars to the heavens or decided just how far the ocean would go. As I thought about these things, I realized that most of my bad behavior was a result of trying to be good enough, to be deserving, to be something I was not so that someone would like me. ( I understand this is very common in kids who are adopted or are un-mothered for one reason or another, who feel as though they are never good enough to repay their parents' kindness in adopting them and not leaving them orphaned - who knows if that is true, but it might be)

The first person I slept with, stealing vodka from my folks liquor cabinet, running around at all hours drunk and stupid, marrying men I wasn't in love with, staying even when he was mean - all things that if my daughter did them, I would pitch a fit - just like my folks did. But they all conglomerate - pointing at one thing. A hole in my soul so deep that I would do anything to fill it - or to deaden that feeling so that I didn't notice it. I remember writing a note back to someone I apologized to, saying that I felt like I had be come the very whore he had accused me of being. And that, my friends, is not a good feeling at all. People will do anything to fill up that gap - and we see it all the time - overeating, promiscuity, drugs, alcohol, shopping, or apathy. None of which are very adaptive coping mechanisms.

Once I realized what was wrong, I set about trying to fix it - and for me fixing it meant becoming real - moving from the image I was trying to portray of the well off suburban girl, always with nails and hair and make-up done, ironing my clothes trying to live above my means, always in need of a significant other ----to what was more honestly me - laid back, long haired, stubby fingernails with dirt that doesn't always come out, comfy clothes which allowed me to skip the much-hated ironing, and mascara, I still gotta have the mascara before I go out.

It has been a long process - started just before Jake was born, when I realized that I would probably be raising the kids by myself. But I recognize myself in the mirror - and I like myself a lot more often than I ever did back then.

I am no where near done - as every Act of Contrition reminds me of the dozens of personality aspects that still need work - especially patience.

But for this Thanksgiving, I am most thankful for a second chance. When I was at my lowest, He was there to answer my prayers and give me a hand up - helping me to see that He had been there the whole time, just waiting for me to ask for His help. I am thankful that I believe in a Savior who loves me more than I love myself. I was an ass and He loved me anyway - and filled my days with people who loved me for who I really was. I am thankful for the peace that comes in knowing that whether it is my Grandpa or my Dad or one of my friends, who passes first, there is a place for them to go with beauty that surpasses all understanding. I am thankful because He fills my life with "coincidences" and signs to numerous to mention which give me direction and lead to happiness. He forces me to pay attention to those around me, lest I miss something important. I am thankful that I didn't actually kill myself doing something stupid during those years that I did a lot of stupid things- and of course that the Ogre didn't manage to accomplish that either.

Joyful Woman has written several very moving posts about forgiveness, click over and check them out. I never cease to be amazed at how much we can learn from each other.

But for this year, think for a moment about being thankful that there is a new day dawning, and that with each day, we have the chance to become the kind of person we have always wanted to be.
Just look up.

As the world turns

If you are looking for holiday ideas - Jerry has a great post about a chicken recipe.

Jake's birthday party, which included letting some of his friends in with our animals, went exceptionally well - the weather held out - and it was beautiful.

I have been a real slacker - sorry about that. I have been a bit under the weather - and my doctor rewarded my trip in to see her yesterday by some really terse remarks including that she would see me again in 2 weeks and at that time she would tell me I don't have cancer and I could just relax. So needless to say, I am in search of a new GYN doc. I am adopted, I have a colorful history and some risk factors that force me to take any GYN issues seriously - because I have no family history. I have always planned for the worst, and hoped for the best in that arena - and thus far, I have been less than happy with this doc. I wish people would consider that being in the health field should also require you to have a compassionate personality.

My friend invited my family over for Thanksgiving - I don't have to cook the dinner and I have both Thursday and Friday off - woopie! I am making some baked goods - from scratch - but no big dinner to prepare - makes me happy!

If I don'e get back between now and then - hope you all have a great Thanksgiving holiday.

Betty and Lucy - ready for breakfast

Those glowing eyes - must be the indicator light to tell me that their tanks are empty!

Mary, daughter of Sarah, Day One

Here are the shots from my camera ( which are downloading onto some weird file on the computer, but what do I know) The two pictures where she is standing on the leaves are out in the side yard, after we caught her mother and seperated them from teh rest of the herd - and the other one is in the goat pen, where all the other goats were - before we caught them.

We named her Mary ( rather than Calamity Jane whose name brings about the song by Big and Rich about being buried on Deadwood Mountain) Her namesake is the mother of one of my friends, who celebrates her birthday the same day.

Coming out of the Closet

I use this spot, predominantly to talk about family and home stuff, though lately, I have been feeling like I am not fulfilling all that I could do here. I teach about diabetes for a living, but more importantly, I have been studying extensively, how the components of a diet can effect the overall life of a person. I believe there is more than one way to get healthy and that sometimes Western medicine falls terribly short. I use herbs, I see a chiropractor and I believe that attitude and prayer can heal more, at times, than medication.

With the stressors of the last couple of months, I have completely fallen off the wagon - eating everything in sight, including things that I know are unhealthy. Stress eating - and I knowingly chose not to do anything about it. Until yesterday - when I realized that even though I am worrying about all these other things, I have to take care of myself.

So let me share a little bit with you about what I know.

1. There is a direct relationship between hypoglycemia and diabetes. Type 2 diabetes is caused by cellular death in the pancreas. When the pancreas struggles day after day to keep up with the load of carbohydrates in the body ( whether the burden is quantity or quality) those cells are taxed, like a car kept in overdrive all the time. In overdrive, the cells cease to function properly, making it so that sometimes a person eats a meal and feels fine - other times they are starving and shaky two hours later - or they just want to sleep - both signs that the pancreas isn't functioning properly. Those cells can only go on so long until they are dying at a faster rate than they are reproducing, decreasing insulin production - and then the blood sugars start to rise. This process also fouls up the back up sugar-system in the liver and kidneys, complicating the matter even further.

2. Dr Weil and Dr Atkins and Dr Schwarzbein have it right. When I follow the dietary suggestions they have, my energy soars. I find that I am healthier - and my patients who follow them, find the same things. There must be something to the whole idea of less processing being healthier for a person, because it works in studies - and bears out when you look at populations as well. They preach about loading up on lean meats, fresh fruits, vegetables, whole grains in moderation and most of all, avoiding all those chemicals and additives that tax the immune system.

3. If you could pick it from a tree, hunt it down, or grow it in your garden, it is probably good for you. Macaroni and cheese doesn't grow in a garden, so it should be eaten in moderation.

4. The immune system is like a three man clean up crew - there are a finite number of guys doing the clean up in your whole system. They react to everything we inhale, everything we eat, and all the germs that land on our skin. If we have them on heavy clean up duty - think of a three man crew at a stadium after a pro ball game - then some things get missed. If we have them on a lighter duty, like clean up after a gradeschool soccer game, they are more likely to have enough time to do the cleaning and do a thorough job.

5. If you don't bring it home from the grocery, you won't be as likely to eat it. It's an environmental control issue.

6. People who struggle with stress eating, have other deeper issues that also need to be dealt with - a gastric bypass doesn't repair your heart - it only shrinks your stomach. Thanks Dr Phil.

Maybe I'll share more in the future, but this morning, these things were bouncing around in my head so I wanted to jot them down.

Celebrating

To celebrate our first baby, we had steaks with baby portabella mushrooms and wild rice and new potatoes and white corn on the cob - and for dessert, strawberries with organic raw sugar and the totally not healthy CoolWhip. And about twenty minutes later, a pan of fresh-from -the -oven brownies. Then I settled in to watch part of the Giant's game from Sunday night - since the COLTS were not on our cable system - even though they are the only undefeated team in the league, and Peyton has that laser, rocket arm - but whatever. Over the weekend I finally painted my chest of drawers the same olive green as our room - up to this point it has been a decorative feature with its bright red, yellow, and blue from it's former life in the boy's room. Justin went out twice to check our new momma and baby, both did fine. I bought her a sweater ( it's chilly out!)- so I'll get some pictures of that this afternoon.

Big News!!!! It's a Girl!

I don't want to steal the thunder - but there was some big excitement at Loners Ridge this afternoon - and my husband was channelling Billy Crystal. Sarah, the doe I picked up just last week decided to bless us with a new baby. She is the first girl born at our house. The girl as yet to be named - in the picture with Justin - is about a hour old - looks pretty good doesn't she!

Not Encouraging when a Vulture stares into your Hospital room

Our hospital was built in what used to be an old pine and oak forest. Unfortunately, some creatures have not been able or willing to let go and move on to another area. This includes the local vultures. Normally, they congregate on the top floor balcony - which is the oncology floor. The hospital has tried a number of things to get rid of them, but they continue to perch there because it has an excellent view.

Today, though, I caught this guy peering into a patient's window on the med/surg floor.
I did go down to see if there was a patient in the room that he might have been flapping his wings at - but it turned out that he was only fussing at his own reflection and the room was empty.

Weekend Update

This is the tree right outside my outpatient office - brilliant isn't it.


1. It was actually Bear's friends who called about the hooch. One of girls fathers had a stroke and was coming to live at a house previouslly occupied by young couples and a single buy - a stash of liquor like no one's business. They called and asked it we would take it - and I offered a hundred dollars, since it was their estimation that there were about 20 bottles and I had no idea what kind. It turned out to be 38 bottles including some Bacardi 151 and a zillion bottles of various DeKuypers - some of whichI have never had before. I know, that is amazing sconsidering I went to Indiana University, a known party school in the 80s. but it's true. Justin posted a picture on his spot, check it out if you get a minute.

2. I didn't like the toffee liquour very well, but apparently not enough to put down my glass before typing this.

3. My friend didn't get to come see me this weekend, and that was sad, but it did force me to clean up the guest room - which really needed doing.

4. I bought a new camera some time ago, so I have been trying to post updated pictures of our critters on Loners Ridge Scene. I thought posting along with their stories would be helpful to keep a record of who has lived here.

That's enough - I need sleep - and more aspirin.

Happiness

We celebrated Jake's 12th birthday a couple of days early this year, since I wasn't sure if I would be back from stayin with my folks before his birthday came. Dinner was great, the company was great and it is moments such as these that make all those difficult days worthwhile.

All things Bright and Beautiful

1. Britney filed for divorce yesterday and was reported to look relaxed. I bet - girl, take the kids - keep your stuff and start over sister - you are only 24 - which is way to young to be living through that much drama. I liked the first guy she was married to - maybe she can get him back when the time is right. Oh yea, and don't kiss Madonna - I saw her book - you don't know where her mouth has been.

2. Mother Earth magazine has a campaign for the month of November, encouraging everyone to replace the regular light bulbs in their home with the more energy efficient - Energy Star - long lasting bulbs. They are readily identified by the big star on the package - and can save you about $60 a year on energy costs. Speaking of which, we turned off the extra fridge in our carport - seems it was costing us about $25 a month to run! We need solar panels. seriously, I may get some when our tax check comes in April. There is a guy locally who has them and he sells energy back to the energy company.

3. I have had three days with a nearly non-existant patient load, enabling me to study up on a new insulin pump system and catch up on my other reading - it has been really great.

4. Crystal Light makes a Green Tea with Raspberry. I stink at making tea - though I don't know why I have so much trouble with it. I have tried buying Green Tea drinks, but they have a weird aftertaste. Even though this has some artificial flavor, there are still the tell-tale antioxidants - and it actually tastes good - even though it is the color of pee. I am trying to reduce my dependence on Coke Zero - and the plethora of other diet drinks I have been consuming. It isn't healthy for me - and I need to work on it - so I am switching - slowly but surely. I want to be Dr Weil when I grow up.

5. I got a new doe from my friend Amber last night. She is a fence jumper and was in by herself. She is a yearling and has been in with a dark carmel buck for about two weeks. Her name was Spring before, but since all of ours have people names (except Nosey, though I have heard people called that before) I am changing her name to Sarah. Just fits her lively personality much better. Koda was sitting just outside the pen this morning, watching her, and barking if she put her hooves on the fence.

6. Josh has patched things up with the girl - whom I like very much. She came to the house last week, and I like how they are together. Of course, I only see bits and peices of it - but I am pleased with what I see. I am so proud of the kind of man he is turning out to be, even though I have to keep on him about little things.

In not good news, I have to go home and fix the pig pen - then try to catch Yoshi - she broke the 2X2 on her pen and is running loose with the goats. They don't like that at all because, well, she is a pig and goes from spot to spot eating everyone's food and knocking over the water troughs like she needs more mud to roll in. And the pens are really mushy and soaked from the full day of rain yesterday. Chasing a wet pig in the rain. This should be great.

A Season for Everything

About a year ago, I started following the blog of a lady, Karla, who was having a baby. I found her site on Raindrops - where about half my links came from in the first place! Being up to my ears in baby-itis myself, it was good to be able to see how things were going for her. Then toward the end of her pregnancy, she lost the baby. Baby Ava was beautiful and perfect in everyway, except that her little soul didn't stay here for very long. Several folks posted about her loss. She started a new blog, Untangling the Knots, I've been lurking there - checking in from time to time.

Karla is pregnant again, due in about 6 weeks. Her courage is amazing. Rather than deciding she would never tempt Fate again by carrying another pregnancy - and risking being hurt again - she has chosen to hope - and live - and follow the path her heart has led her to.

If you get a minute, stop by and read her story - she has a link to her memorial for Baby Ava over on the left. She could teach us all a bit about hope.

FELLOWSHIP OF THE UNASHAMED

I have been helping teach CCD class for kids in the 9th and 10th grades - because I think it is important to be the miracle you pray for in your Church. For those of you who are not Catholic, this is the age in which they are given instruction about Confirmation - where the teenager makes the choice to to be Catholic for himself - renewing the promises made by his parents. But this is an informed choice, and is not to be taken lightly. Some people choose to make the vow, and some do not. But just like any other choice in life, once you choose a path, it is not always easy to stay on that path.

It occurred to me that I have gotten off the path a bit, over the last weekend. I got my feelings hurt over a comment that was made back to me - after I made a comment in jest - and I was allowing that injury to my pride to continue to bother me. More importantly, I have let my faith waver - months of seeing my dad sick and my husband struggle looking for work have caused me to question what in the heck God was thinking - and where He was when I called out to Him.

A few years ago, I came upon a poster with the following creed on it. I have it up in my bathroom, where I see it everyday, though I have gotten out of the habit of reading it. I thought I would share it with you - because regardless of what else I am - I am first and foremost a Catholic who believes in God as sure as I believe in love.


I am part of the "Fellowship of the Unashamed". The die is cast. The decision is made. I have stepped over the line. I will not look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still.

My past is redeemed, my present defined and my future secured. I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colourless dreams, tamed visions, cheap giving and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, postion, promotion, plaudits or popularity. I do not have to be right, be recognised, be regarded or be rewarded. I now live by faith, love with patience and labour with power.

My gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my guide is reliable, and my mission is clear. I cannot be detoured, deluded or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at devil's table, ponder at the pool of popularity or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I will not give up, shut up, let up or slow down until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up and spoken for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till He comes, give till I drop, preach till all know and work till He stops me. And when He comes for his own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My banner is clear:

I AM A MEMBER OF THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE UNASHAMED

The End is Near

This morning, I heard that Billy Idol, of "White Wedding" fame, has released a Christmas album, Featuring "White Christmas". The link will take you to his My Space where you can hear him sing it.

Football season is over for Jake's team - they made it through two rounds of the playoffs and were decisively beaten by a team that trounced them in the regular season as well. It was a great time - and I will miss being able to have adult time goofing off while waiting ofr the games to start. It was a great bunch of folks. The team mom made poster-sized pictures of all the kids as one of their gifts, Jake's is a great action shot of him at the line of scrimmage, looking at the guy next to him while blocking the opponent.

I'm tired this week - seems like there is a neverending cavalcade of drama, and I want to get off the carousel for a while.

Overcoming the Past

Since my dad has been sick, I have spent a lot of time thinking about the past. I think we are apt to do that when we look at how our relationship has been with someone we might be losing soon. As those thoughts arise, there are some things that I am not particularly proud of - even though somehow, God has used those very things to soften my heart - and make it so that I have trouble throwing stones, since I live in a glass house. That doesn't mean I am not an ass at times - 'cause I'll be the first to admit, it is not always easy to love me.

Yesterday, I heard a message by Max Lucado - who is just exceptionally gifted at telling storied to help you see the way things really are. He mentioned how things like guilt and feelings of worthlessness are tools of The Enemy - whose entire purpose is to make us feel like there is no point in behaving because we have screwed up so much already. He's pretty good at that. Then he said that God uses the memories of the past to help us see how very much we have been blessed - how our heart has softened -how our lives have progressed - how our thoughts have shifted - how very good life is even on a bad day.

I thought I would share this with you today because there was a time where the last thing I needed was to hear another sermon - and rather than hearing about how punitive God was, I needed to hear about how He really worked - how He loved me enough to put up with the days that I am an ass - and Max Lucado teaches that. His books have moved me - and I buy them nearly as fast as he can write them - his messages are available online -Upwords - or you can click the link above and check them out.

Maybe It's Me

I opened my email this morning, ever anxious to read your witty comments - since most folks read in the evenings instead of at work between patients, like I do. Instead, here are the subjects of my inbox ( possibly indicating a need for some therapy):
Treating Ulcerative Colitis
7 Benefits of Exercise
How Hormones Can Cause Anxiety
Save a Life: Know the Symptoms of Stroke
Dr Weil's Salmon Fritatta
Farmers market Chili Time
Medline Daily Research Update
Free shipping, Plus Beauty on a Budget from Avon
Keeping the Weight Off: Setting a Warning Zone
Tomato and Basil Chevre spread from Diabetic Living
and You have matched a Job in our Recruitment Database

I look at the list and wonder - holy Moses - who gets mail like this?

A Josh Story on Jake's Birthday - (or empathy for YoJ)

Josh has always been a bit precocious. I was astounded at God's sense of humor, giving me a son to raise alone - and I was especially troubled when trying to figure out how to potty train him. We settled on throwing Cheerios into the potty and hopping he would want to hit them with the stream. He liked that game - and it worked pretty quickly, along with teh promise of Ninja Turtle underwear when he could potty like a big boy. Of course, if he had to go and was at one end of the house - he would run into my bathroom, where the Cheerios were, and use the toilet there. I was a single parent, so I never had any privacy anyway. ( And even now, I still have precious little!)

My folks had taken Josh, Bear and I out to a nice lunch at the Olive Garden, I think for either a March or a June birthday. It was one of the older ones with the tile floor which had been dropped to form a little patio in the middle. Our table was lovely with linen and a little umbrella in the middle, a little fountain - it was perfect. Josh was about 2 and right before lunch came, he said he had to potty.

I offered to have my Dad take him. He refused and said I had to take him.

I said: "Honey, I am a girl and have to use the girl's room, you are a boy and have to go to the boy's room. Grandpa is a boy and he can take you."

"Momma, you're a boy so you can take me"
"No, honey, boys have a penis, and momma doesn't have a penis, so she can't go in the boy's room"

"Oh, Momma, yes you do. It is in the cabinet next to the potty in your room."

I'll let that sink in for a second.

I was dumbstruck -actually speechless - mostly because I could only think of tampons and towels in my bathroom -and still to this day do not posess the particular item that comes to mind when a small child comments about such a thing.

My folks on the other hand, they were hysterically laughing - and it was funnier as my face turned darker and darker crimson. I am not sure what they believe little Josh saw or thought he saw in my bathroom, but should the occasion ever arise that I need to purchase such a thing, I will make sure it is hidden from Josh!

Wabasha, Minnesota

On Sunday, we went to Red River, then on to Wabasha Minnesota. Wabasha is famous for at least two things: being the setting for Grumpy Old Men, and Grumpier Old Men with Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau. Two of my favorite movies of all time.

It is also famous for the National Eagle Center, where they take in injured birds and provide education about eagles. It was a tiny place, but a lot of fun.

Garnet is 1 and Jake is 12 today!!!! Happy Birthday Kiddos!

One More Day

I got home late last night, greeted by both boys and my husband after a very long trip. I am just going to post some pictures from Sunday for your enjoyment. If you have one more day to be healthy and spend together, this is the way to do it.

Dad and "his Harley" in Wabasha Minnesota

National Eagle Rescue Center

tonight

I get to hug some of my babies, though the other one just cost me a mere $3,000 again at college - so I obviously love her as well.

On the phone this week I was told:

Mom, you have to come home because I have had two bloody noses and like five new screatches. I know what you are doing is important, but we really need you back here.

Mom, when I said he didn't feed us, I mean like, everyone was relaxed and no one asked for food, so he didn't cook.

And my favorite: Mom, I don't like the house without you, I just don't think this is going to work out for me with you gone.

So off I go in about two hours, back toward home. What will happen to my dad is still up in the air -as he meets with the oncologist again tomorrow afternoon.

Hang on to hope.

A Calling

Some people seem to be destined for greatness. They seem to be called to do great things - doors open for them and they zoom to positions of great influence. I was astounded when we toured the Mayo museum at the innumerable military awards that the Mayo brothers had accumulated, along with their father. The clinic started off in Dr Mayo's house, then moved to bigger and bigger buildings as the practice got larger. Did you know that they received the Nobel Prize for discovering the cortisone shots would help releive the inflammation of arthritis. I saw the display - and the Nobel Prize. Nothing short of awe inspiring.

Now Mayo Clinic is synonymous with innovation, and their motto: The patient's needs are first, is very evident in everything they do. I had always hoped that I would be able to do something great - I think everyone hopes that at one time or another. During our trip, I have realized that my life is more like the guy on the seashore throwing in starfish back in the ocean - there are hundreds in need, but I can at least make a difference to the one in front of me.

I always thought being a field nurse with the Navajo was my calling - it sounds romantic and exciting enough to read pretty well on a tomb stone, especially for a girl from suburban Indianapolis. My heart is most assuradly still there. Even in the Twin cities airport in a gift shop laden with all sorts of Native American jewelry, the stuff I kept picking up was Navajo. The flute of Carlos Nakai in the canyon playing in the gift shop carried me back to those trips we took to White House Ruins.

I still dream about the mountains and the creek in Lukachukai -and the memories of my family and my dear friends in that place are some of my best ones ever. But that is not where I'm planted now. I am in the suburbs ( except fo my little two acres of country at home). I teach diabetes education, and I am trying to learn even more so that I can be of more help to folks. My job, at least on the inpatient side, has morphed to include more and more consulting. When your job is to help, it sometimes feels like there are so many people in need, and so few hours n the day. Actually, it feels like that a lot. It makes me wonder if my dreams of going back out to Arizona will ever come true.

When I headed out for my big adventure, my dad told me to look for confirmation of my impulses and dreams from the Holy Spirit. Confirmation means that you have three coincidences, or three people bringing something up about your "issue" that would otherwise be unrelated. When I went to Arizona we had three things: My mom ran into a lady in Kokomo Indiana whose family was right outside the area I was looking for - there are about 10 Navajo in Indiana, and she managed to run into one of them; three weeks in a row the homily was about caring for the needy and God's need to send someone to them; and the third was the grandma I helped back to her house once I got there, who asked me if I was a nurse there: when I said no, she said I should be. Things just fell into place, and while I went to help, it was me who really recieved the help.

I don't know if the world will be a better place after I go, but I can't help thinking that I have to at least try to leave things better than I found them.

I can't get away with anything...still

Yesterday, we went to Harmony, Minnesota and spent the afternoon looking around in Amish country. When we got home, we were tired. Dad went up to read and Mom fell asleep in the room. I thought I'd be helpful, so I went to the kitchen and started to fix dinner. We had leftover rice and chicken, so I was converting that into a soup. Earlier I had suggested we stop of at the store so I could get a pot roast, but we had decided against it.

While I was shredding the chicken, a woman, who was cleaning out her stuff preparing to go home, started talking with me. I was telling her about the roast, and she said, here, take this one. She took it from the shelf of community foods. I was so excited and cooked it up with potatoes and carrots and a bit of onion. It was delicious.

Later that evening, we went back to the kitchen, for a late night snack. When I went into our section of the fridge to get cream for my coffee, there was a note : This shelf is not house food, it belongs to room 5.

I was horrified. The roast had come from the very shelf with the note. Yes, I accicentally stole a pot roast from a cancer patient.

I was just mortified. So first thing this morning, I headed off to Mega Mart to get a replacement. I was hoping to replace it before it became a big deal - or before my folks found out.

As I came in, my folks were just finishing breakfast. I thought I was home free, and I left the groceries in the van. Then my mom came around the corner, talking to her friend, who was saying that someone had taken the food from her. God love her, she wasn't worried about the food, but the note had been removed, and that worried her.

There was that moment, you know the one, where you know that all your efforts to NOT look like a complete idiot, were in vain. It was humbling to say the least. So I stepped up and explained what had happened. She assured me that she didn't care about getting the roast replaced, but I was thankful that when I actually had to admit my error, I had the replacement in the van. So all day long, my need to steal food has been the ongoing joke. Oddly enough, there was a robery at the WalMart I went to this morning - but that really wasn't me.

Yep, we went to see the goats

This computer is blocking teh spell checker - so sorry if I missed anything!
On Friday, we had the afternoon free - and since there was no football, we decided on a little road trip. We started south to Harmony, the home of the biggest Amish population in Minnesota. Now I was expecting Napanee, Indiana - tons of shops and restaurants and stuff. Instead, we were greeted by a sleepy little town, a few really packed gift shops and very friendly people. We started with lunch at a the diner, it was beyond good. For $5 I feasted on Walleye, real mashed potatoes with real brown gravy, breen beans, and cole slaw. It was more than I could finish. My poor parents were stuck hearing me rave about it for about an hour afterwards. We saw a couple of buggies, but otherwise, very little sign of the Amish we had expected to see.

When we had perused all the shops, including a great shop with Scandanavian stuff which was unfortunately out of my price range - we headed east to Austins Angoras. The shop is run by Ada and her husband Jim who raise about 200 Angora goats. She was happy for the company and told us about how she had created her own market by convincing the tours to stop at her place and increase her business. She is a character, but was happy to tell me all about how much easier the Angoras are to raise than Pygmies. Hope she's right because now I want one - or two.

She also had chischilly sheep ( Navajo Churros) which have four horns. When she lost one, though, she would save the pelt and have it available for sale as a rug. I remember several women who had pelt rugs out in Arizona, though, not me. The only weirdness was that she had her favorite buck stuffed, in a glass display case right there in the store. I just couldn't wrap my mind around stuffing your favorite animal, and yet, there he was as a constant reminder of a good memory. I bought some socks, and when they say that the wool keeps yoru feet cooler - they are right. I don't like socks, but I like these.

As the World Turns

I am way too old to stay up until midnight and try to catch a 6:30 am flight. By 5pm Minnesota time, I was ready to pass out - so I crashed back in the room.

Wal-Mart is the same everywhere - kind of like Catholic Mass - no matter where you go, you can find what you need. They didn't have the organic creamer - but everything else was right were it should be.

Mayo is amazing - not like it is a shock - but wow - it surpassed my expectations. They have movies on demand - and we were able to watch Walking Tall to pass the last couple hours of treatment effortlessly.

The transplant house is full of amazing stories - and I have learned so much from the people I have talked to already. As a side note, if you haven't filled out that donor blank on your license, take a minute and do so - there are so many people who pass away waiting for organ donation - and what the heck are you going to do with your liver after you're dead anyway? I signed mine - so did my daughter and my husband.

The oncologist has changed the game plan two more times since Sunday. When my folks got in this morning, there was yet another change in the chemo schedule. They are treating it very aggressively with Rituxin to decrease the size of the tumors. Originally, they were going to be done over the weekend, now it looks like they may be here for a couple more weeks receiving this chemo regimine.

Dad had kidney stents replaced - and he is a braver person than I am - they didn't go in though the belly - or the back - they used the plumbing.

Yep - ouch is the appropriate reaction.

We have two days without procedures scheduled, so I am hoping to do a bit of sightseeing before I go home on Monday.

I looked at Native American jewelry in the Minneapolis airport - and could I have been drawn to the cool Lakota stuff - or the Ojibway - nope, strictly Navajo girl here. Every piece I asked about was Navajo. I'll ponder that more deeply later.

For now, I want to say thanks again for all your prayers, and I am lurking even if I dont comment these days. Somedays I just want to make the rounds and see how everyone else is doing - so if I haven't commented, please don't think it is because I haven't dropped by.

Okay, okay, It IS Mayo Clinic, and I should have expected more

Friday night, my mom calls me. I am still a bit off because of the not so great news from Thursday -hearing that the cancer is not curable since he did not respond to the RICE chemo was pretty devastating. They are still at Mayo clinic and the doctor called them Friday to arrange another chemo regimen. This is a surprise because the last conversation was that they would be headed home - and starting chemo there. Now, they are staying through the week to have kidney surgery ( okay, that sounds like they are both like " hey sign me up! Kidney surgery! What a blast!")

After the surgery to replace the kidney stents, Dad will start Rituxin again - along with some steroids to help shrink the tumors and prep him for even more chemo once they head home. The doctor didn't want to give up- so he is trying something outside of the normal treatment.

So.... Instead of going up next week, I am headed up to Mayo tomorrow. I cooked like a madwoman yesterday - chicken with wild rice, Beef vegetable soup, pot roast, enchiladas, and I will finish up some chili this afternoon- so that the boys won't have to worry about dinner.

I am leaving three boys in my house for a week.

Just let that soak in for a minute.

Yep - that right there is a leap of faith!

You know this is the way it goes for me - Justin gets work at the temp agency - has work every day this week - and this is the week I will be gone.

Did you notice I changed my little icon to a tornado? That is the way things feel - and I thank God over and over that I am not a person who is neat and tidy and needs routine - cause that just ain't happening these days.

The Neverending story

This is a picture of my folks taken last month at a garden in Indiana. I liked it so much that I stole the image from their Care Pages. My Grandpa Loner used to wear a hat like the one my dad has on. I have my grandpa's hat in my bedroom where I can see it each day - and it is funny to see my dad with the same hat.

It is late, and I am sleepy, but wanted to share a bit about the latest news. The oncologist at May has regained my trust because even though they couldn't do the transplant, they didn't just send him home, they came up with alternatives. That impressed me. More than I can say. On Monday, dad is having surgery to replace his kidney stents. Then Tuesday, he will have Rituxan, a chemo he has had successfully in the past to help shrink the tumors that are putting pressure on his kidneys. I am going to try to move my ticket so that I can be up there this week with them instead of next week. We'll see how it works out. My husband assures me that he is exceptional at changing tickets!

Thank you so much for the outpouring of support and prayers. I should feel devastated, and yet, there is mostly peace - and concern for my folks, who also seem to be at peace. That sensation only comes through prayer - so thank you for holding us up during a time that it is hard to stand alone.

Get up, dust yourself off, start over

Yesterday was not a great day -and while the initial shock of the news from Mayo, was overwhelming, I had time to be quiet and think last night. The truth is, we all have to go - as do all those people we love.

I worked in a little ER for a couple of years. I loved the work, though my boss was Satan in heels. I had the priveledge of holding people's hands , way more than once, as they drew their last breath. For most of them, there was a moment of absolute clarity, then a peaceful sigh as their last breath left the chest. There is an energy, as well. Theoretically, energy cannot be created or destroyed, only changed in form. I have always thought that energy release was the soul, headed to wherever that particular soul was headed to. It always seemed that in that final moment, there was proof that people were "headed" somewhere - the smile, the peace that came over them - you just don't get a look like that when you are headed into eternal darkness.

What came to me last night was the difference in the families. Sometimes, there were accidents - and the families never got to say good bye, the person didn't get to finish up whatever he or she would have wanted to finish up - things were just left hanging. The families had this sense of devastation and chaos, and there were questions left unanswered. Then there were folks who had been sick, especially those with cancer and heart ailments. They had an idea of how much time was left, and though death was not always painless, there was a certain peace in knowing they had done what they could in finishing things. There families were ready - well, as ready as you can be - and they were sad, but also at peace, knowing it was the person's time to go.

Mom and I debated this last weekend. I always thought my preference would be like hers, a stroke - nice and quick and tidy. But my opinion has shifted. I think having time to finish things might be better. While I am not thrilled about the prospect of losing either of my folks, I know it happens. And there is a blessing in having time together to say things that need to be said, and to make sure that things will be taken care of after they are gone. Funny, my folks have always been big on not doing things "half-assed" so to speak - meaning completing the work you are doing. In classic fashion, my dad is doing exactly that - finishing up before he goes. I wouldn't expect anything less.

There is a line from Stay, one of Josh's favorite movies, "There's too much Beauty to Quit". So this morning, I brushed myself off and started again - because quitting isn't in our vocabulary.

Buying Time

What the hell is that supposed to mean. I just got word from my folks that the bone marrow transplant is no longer going to happen - that the tumors are growing too fast, and are now too big for a transplant - so they are headed back home. They are going to try yet another chemo - Fludaribine - which hurts the bone marrow - and will eliminate the possibility of cure - or transplant - for good. They are just buying time, the doc said.

And what I want to know is how much that time costs, because I'll be happy to pitch in on the purchase price.

Southern Living

I come from the Midwest, and I think that probably taints a lot of what I perceive in the South. Last night I went to a Southern Living home decor party - something I would never do, except the woman who hosted is one of my favorite people on the planet - so I had to go.

The candlier is what I bought - because it was just amazingly beautiful and I thought it would be great out on our new deck - which is still theory, not reality.

It astounds me when I look at the size of people's homes. I know we had some folks in Lafayette who had some pretty snazzy houses - but this is row after row of half million dollar houses. I cannot imagine what people must be paying on their mortgages. I was completely freaked out by the higher mortgage on our place - and even with our acreage, it was no where near that half million mark. I just don't get it. What I do get, though, is that I am sadly missing out on something, I just can't place what that something is.

I was in this fantastic house - high ceilings, loft upstairs, huge kitchen - you know, an expensive house - and the other women at the table were talking about how they didn't need any more serving trays because they already had a stack of them - again, I can't even imagine. I wonder if the couple of big glass trays pushing in with my pizza stone count- 'cause I sure don't have a stack of them. Was that a requirement?

My friend, who does a lot of activism for animal rights as well as some rescue, was funny when I commented about how classy and expensive her house was. She laughed and said it was a trade off - that she'd rather have an older house to fix up if there were more land and trees. And she's right, it is a trade off.

As I pulled in the driveway last night, still talking to one of my other favorite girls, I turned off the van, rolled down the windows, saw the lights from the house reflecting on the pine trees, and heard crickets and frogs humming along in the background. My place isn't fancy. You don't pull up in the driveway and think - "wow, these folks have some cash" ( which is good, cause we don't) but it is homey - and comfortable - and like a sanctuary in the middle of town. And most importantly, it is where we have been planted.

All Things Work for Good...

Mostly, I am an optimist. I don't apologize for that exactly, but I know that it taints how I see even the worst things. It is a self-preservation measure - and since it seems to be working, I guess I'll just keep doing it. Maybe believing that this might be the day that problems resolve themselves- or that hope pays off - is what keeps a person waking up in the morning - 'cause you just never know.

My father in law offered to buy me a ticket - I decided to turn it over and let someone help me. He didn't help me - and so this morning, I had to look at plane tickets. Well, I was able to set my own schedule, and with a little fiddling, I got a flight nearly $150 cheaper than the original quotes, that flies right into Rochester, so I don't need a rental car - and I will still get plenty of time with my folks.

I don't know where to start

I went home for the weekend - and it always bring ssuch a load of emotions. NO exception this time when we drove through Lafayette - I just wanted to stay.

My folks are up at Mayo again, Dad is busy this week being poked and prodded to see if he is ready for the transplant. The doctor should let us know by Thursday if we are doing a transplant or not.

I've taken off 10 days at the end of the month so that Mom won't have to be alone while Dad is in isolation after the transplant. My inlaws offered to buy the ticket, called Justin to confirm that I was going - then didn't buy the ticket. They fucking exhaust me. My biggest pet peeve is people who offer to help - then don't . And unfortunately, that is exactly what they keep on doign.

Justin has to take up the slack when I am gone - and I know the past four days were tough on him - adn on the boys. Being a single parent is not easy even if you are accustomed to being a single parent.

Bear got to visit with one of her friends on the way home - we stopped at Panera for breakfast adn visited with Laurel and Chaz - they are so incredibly cute together.

Then we made a quick pit stop to see a friend of mine from high school. He mentioned coming by to see me about 15 years ago- when Bear was a baby. I can hardly believe that he came by and I had forgotten all about it. That was back in the trailer days - so maybe I have blocked it from my mind... anyway, it was weird.

The rest of the trip home was just interminable - seemed like every possible excuse for stop adn go traffic happened - and it took us three hours longer than it should have.

So today I am back at work - but Ireally needed another day off - and I'm sleepy - and now I am headed to get some coffee to wake my brain up!

More than corn in Indiana

well, there is more - soon to be two more girls as Bear and I head up North to see my folks and try to be of some help before they head up to Minnesota. I got a note from my dad last evening - and I thought I'd share it. Any prayers you can spare would be much appreciated:

Well, the league office (Mayo Clinic)has advised us to return to the North country to complete our schedule. We are to return to Mayo in MN this Monday (will leave on Sunday) to go thru drills (tests) prior to the Bone Marrow Transplant (BMT).

The extra chemo treatment here in Indiana was not successful in shrinking further the tumors, but the Commissioner (Mayo Doc) said we might as well and proceed with BMT. When I reminded him of what he said on our last visit, namely the tumors were too large for the BMT to be successful, he responded, "What choice do you have? Not much. This is the best option going, even though the prognosis for success is low." Coach agrees.

So we head back North. As I have subsequently learned, success means all the cancer cells have been eradicated. We'll take a partial success ("low" chance of complete success as Commissioner puts it). I have also met people who have gone through this procedure 2-3 times and have survived for 10 years. Maybe if you do it enough, you wear the disease down. So its back to Mayo for 2 months (that is, if we pass the preliminary tests). It's going to be a wintry season as it turns out. Oh well, if one has to be laid up, it might as well be snowing outside. Should be pretty holidays.

Stacey & Jerra are coming up for visit Fri & Sat before we go. Nice to see them. This season is getting a little long - been fighting this for 2 years now and prospects don't seem to be getting any better. Feeling pretty good right now (played golf yesterday- beautiful day), but the Commissioner will take care of that. That's the way these cancer docs work, you start to feel better and then they take care of that with another treatment. I noticed several obits lately where they say the person succumed after a 2 year (or 3 year, or 5 year) battle with cancer. I hate those obits because I know what they mean. But we haven't given up - still got some games left in our season. God bless each of you.

Durn it

I have been saving up to buy a digital camera, since my camera is somewhat lacking and I can never remember to pick up my pictures from MegaMart. My camera caem last Saturday, I took pictures, uploaded them - and I cannot find the silly file to put them here for you to see! ARGH!

We had a meeting with the inlaws over the weekend. There are some things we still dont' agree about, but at least the lines of communication are open. I learned a long time ago, not to go to a dry well looking for water - and that applies here.


Bear and I are taking a road trip this weekend - in preparation for my folks road trip, again, to Mayo Clinic. I posted their Care Pages site a couple months back - if you want the address, just send me a note and I'll forward the address.

In the mean time, any prayers you can send would be helpful.

Love Everybody

I am a Big and Rich fan - and I know they are officially a country band - but their music has a little bit of everything. I was astounded this weekend when I discovered that the concert we went to raised half a million dollars for a memorial for the 173rd Airborne.

The 8th of November and the Van Zants

This weekend is packed. Just chocked full beyond words. I offered to help a friend move tonight and then drop Josh off at another friend's house. Saturday we have concession stand duty, followed by a game followed by a concert. Sunday there is coffee and donut duty, followed by CCD then laundry then teen CCD - then back to work.

Oh, the concert. We are going to a fundraising concert for a monument for the soldiers of the 173rd Airborne who gave their lives and were involved in a myriad of conflicts including the 8th of November, immortalized in the Big & Rich song. The picture is of their friend, a man from the Brigade who told them the story of the 8th of November, 1965. He lives in the Dakotas now - and the song is about him. Playing are Lynard Skynard, Big & Rich, John Anderson, Cowboy Troy, and the Lost Trailers. I can hardly wait. It is a good cause, it will be a great concert.

Funny how a musical group can lure you in. I started as a Big & Rich fan when I heard Wild West show - and they won me with Holy Water over during that really dark time before I left Indiana.

Somewhere there's a stolen halo...
Someone ran away with her innocence
A memory she can't get out of her head
I can only imagine what she's feeling
When she praying, kneeling at the edge of her bed
When she prays take me away, protect me Father
Surround me now and hold, hold ,hold me
Like Holy Water

Tidbits

Things you probably didn't know:
1. I sang with John Cougar Mellencamp during dime beer night at the Bluebird in Bloomington Indiana
2. I played darts once with Henry Lee Summer (the guy who sung " I wish I had a girl who walked like that") at a pub right across the street.
3. I always wanted to sing like Whitney Houston, and used to sing at weddings for cash during college - until #1 happened and I blew out my vocal cords.
4. I always wanted to have a huge family - like 10 kids. I sometimes still get babyitis.
5. I am aspiring to be Aunt Meg - from Twister - remember her? I loved her character and I want to be her when I grow up.
6. I took the MCAT to go to medical school - and I did pretty well.
7. I've been someone's mom since I was 20. I can't remember a time when I didn't have someone I was responsible for.
8. I have a not-so-secret crush on Peyton Manning. The Sprint commercials - well, that did it.
9. I dont watch TV much -but I save Monk, Psych, and My Name is Earl as well as the Indy 500 and Colts games when we can get them.
10. I went to Tijuana with my folks when Bear was a baby and bought a pair of silver earrings for $10 - and I still have them. I had no idea until years later that it was a seedy place.

It's a beautiful day

Did you know that Claude Monet was an athiest for most of his life? He converted late in his life to Christianity, but it surprised me when I read this because the man spent nearly his entire life focused on bringing the Earth's colors and light to canvas. Odd how a person can appreciate the Creation and miss the Creator.


Yesterday was a day of small blessings. At breakfast, I talked to a friend who assured me that letting Justin handle this thing with his folks was the right course of action. I don't want to turn the other cheek, I don't want to work toward peace - but it is the right thing to do. The day just got better from there. I can get my car repaired - by someone I trust - for less than I was quoted at other repair shops. My daddy sent me a note - and a check - money he probably can't afford to send me - because he is a good dad. The chiropractor worked Jake in and popped him back into shape before practice.

Then about 10 my dad called. Even though the last round of chemo didn't do much, it did at least keep the tumors from growing, so they are goign to schedule him for a bone marrow transplant at Mayo beginning in November. That is great news. Unexpected news. And again there is a glimmer of hope where it had started to fade.


This hilljack picture is of Miley, Koda and Betty - out by the entrance to the goat pen. Betty is full grown, now. Koda ( the mostly white one) and Miley ( the mostly grey one) are only 5 months old. As a point of reference - that is a 5-gallon bucket behind Koda. Once the rest of our land is fenced off, they will be in with the goats to help guard them while we are away at work. Ol' cute puppies!