Hudini's daughters

I sent an email yesterday that sums up the cost of love
Two puppies from the Humane Society - $180
Reward for the lady who rescued the girls - $50
Horse fence to prevent climbing - $120
Extra collars and tags $30
Electric fence to prevent digging - $140
Bail from the pound $70
Having the girls home AGAIN - priceless

On the 19th Justin and I came home to find that the girls had once again vanished from the back yard. Chase was given, but the girls were too fast. I put another ad in the paper, made up more flyers and went by the pound again, only to find they had already closed for their Christmas party.

Christmas came and went, and there was no sign of the girls. I was afraid maybe they were lost - or that someone decided they were so cute they had to keep the girls. Monday came and Justin called me - the girls were on the Pound website - ready for adoption! On the way home from work, I picked up electric fence line - a task that will take a couple days work to install.

So today, I went with Jerra and we rescued the girls from the Hoosegow where they spent Christmas and missed all the great leftovers. I was prepared to pay out the $90 fee for boarding.

The staff knew the girls, seems they broke out of their kennel at the Pound as well. Made me feel better because these folks keep pens for a living!! The lady at the counter was kind, and since we had a poster there, she didn't charge me for the boarding fee.

Now they are back at home - safe and sound - and tonight I'll have the fence finished and they can have the run of the yard once again.

adoption

What is it about belonging to someone that is so important? I have this early memory, whether real or imagined, of laying on my belly on my mother's lap. I was facing the middle of the bench seat in a car with turquoise carpet and seats. I remember looking at the carpet area and I remember vividly the exact shade of that carpet and the feeling that I was hot.

It was July when my parents took me home - I was born the beginning of June and went from the hospital to a foster home until the paperwork was completed. My folks had waited a long time to have kids, and endured the pain of several miscarriages. Then they took me in and we made up a family.

In September, we were ripped from our family. I have had to endure comments that perhaps we left too soon or overestimated the threat. I didn't. It was a terrible and difficult time and once again I found myself without a family.

Then one stepped in - and filled that void that is so necessary - someone to talk with, somewhere to go, something to do and someone who cares. It is a beautiful thing - how easily we have assimilated. Though at times we are still an oddity - rough around the edges, overall it has been a really good fit.

What a blessing it is, when I think of all the people this Christmas who are alone and want a family - it is a blessing to belong, a blessing to be adopted into another family in deed if not in name.

The joy of a big family

Last night the kids and I were invited, as guests of the extended family, to a gift exchange. The parents of this large family are charming and kind and made a point to come and welcome each of us as we came in. Similarly, Jake and MorMor did the same, introducing us, checking on how we were, making sure we got in line to eat.

But we are from a big family - we know to get in line early. Everything I have missed was there - the brothers gently teasing each other - playing with the nieces and nephews; the people who knew they were related but couldn't remember quite how; married brothers and their wives, each one more beautiful than the one before; and scores of kids - everywhere. There were points during the gift exchange that you could not move across the floor without stepping on a limb. The sisters bore the demeanor of my own aunts, laughing and tolerating the affection of thier brothers - even when it came in the form of teasing.

There were nearly forty people packed neatly into a beautiful family room complete with stone fireplace, bright candles, and high ceiling. Somehow we all seemed to fit -coziness that lent itself perfectly to talking to those around you in what seemed like an intimate setting for forty.

The noise level was another thing. Matriarchal rights allowed for the use of a cow bell to get the attention of all present - and made me think this was not the first time she had used THAT particular tactic to reign in six kids. Bitty thing, the mother. She certainly had the joy of a mother who is good at being the mother, but had recovered her figure so well you wouldn't guess there had been six kids. I noticed throughout the evening those who were not familiar with the joyful ear piercing noise that goes along with big families. They could be seen ducking outdoors into the 20degree night to reclaim some peace. I think I heard it described as "a lot of stimulation". For a big family junkie - it was heaven complete with honey baked ham and topped with spicy honey mustard.

So here is to the joys of big family - where there is room even for those who are related in spirit if not by blood or marriage. Thanks to God for providing comfort that comes with belonging.

Ill Winds

It is hard to say how it creeps in, seems like wind almost - one minute you are standing in the kitchen, warm, then a chill comes through a crack in the door frame - or through a light switch. Sometimes, without realizing it- I react to things that are said and to situations like the Ogre is still here. Funny how long the brainwashing can last. About a week ago, I was talking to Justin about phone messages, I told him I didn't listen to his phone messages, that they were private. When we lived with the Ogre, we stopped listening to messages because sometimes they got erased, or sometimes he didn't get them in a timely manner, so in the house I used as my permanent address, I didn't listen to the answering machine. He was astounded - I was still living under Ogre-rule and didn't catch myself.

There are times when I catch myself concerned that if he sees my faults and the faults of my kids, he will pull away from me in disgust. I have rushed through the house picking things up - or tidied a mess that someone else should have cleaned in an effort to defray an Ogre's rage that doesn't even exist in this life. I worry about being a burden, about wearing out my welcome, about "pulling my weight". Silly that a grown woman could let herself become so entrenched in trying to stay out of trouble, trying to avoid a confrontation, that the whole way of thinking changes. I obey rules that I would never expect anyone else to adhere to. I have conditioned myself from Ogre rule to work until I cannot move another muscle and to expect that it will not be enough. That I will not be enough.

And yet, he is here each day, and he reassures me that I am enough and that what I do is appreciated. I had the odd discussion tonight with my kids that Justin has been more of a father to them than any of their fathers have been - taking us as a part of his family even when we were at our worst, assuming a husband's burden though he is no obligated to do that at all. There is no greater love than to lay down your life for a friend - giving up all you hold dear: quiet and privacy and personal space - never mind the added financial burden of adding a family-size utility bill. Funny that he thinks I do so much for him and for his life, and yet I think I'm the lucky one. I have kissed enough frogs to know that men like this don't come along more than once in a lifetime.

Redeeming the Flesh

For most of my life my body has been the bad guy. It had craved Taco Bell and candy bars, it has craved male company, it has fallen short in both shape and athleticism. It bears teh outward scars of a life lived the hard way - definitely the bad guy.

My brain knew - even back in June that Justin is someone special. I didn't know that first night - though I understood this was different from anything I had ever experienced before. Something inexplicable made me want to stand close to him, to be able to smell the scent of soap and salt from the heat. I had withdrawl when I drove home and couldn't think of anything else but the twinkle in his eyes as he talked about nothing in particular.

There was that evening by the waterfall in the pool when I told him I knew what "this" was, as though I had some crystal ball which could fortell the importance of our meeting. But my body knew.

Nestled in the crook of his shoulder, I can breathe. No matter what the day is like, I can breathe there, I am safe there.

I hold him, putting my head on his shoulder and at once I am transported from the cares of the day and I feel like I can handle anything - that there are two of us.

Feeling the heat in his hands as the hold mine to warm me up reminds me that not only am I a mother, chaufer, nurse, housekeeper and cook - I am also a woman who loves a man who loves her back. Think of the miracle in that. Someone who loves you back.

My body understands that - recognizes that, and knows that he is the one. I believe that is why the touch of his hands or his kiss on my forehead centers me - brings me back to peace and reminds me of what is truly important.

The mind can play tricks, but the body has a recongnition that is keyed into the very cells and though my mind may have doubts, my body does not. So I live to drift off to dream in your arms....

I did what I did

Performed by U2 and B.B. King

I was a sailor, I was lost at sea
I was under the waves
Before love rescued me
I was a fighter, I could turn on a thread
Now I stand accused of the things I've said

Love comes to town I'm gonna jump that train
When love comes to town I'm gonna catch that flame
Maybe I was wrong to ever let you down
But I did what I did before love came to town

Heard this song on the radio today and coupled with a disturbing scene from Clerks I was thinking that there are a lot of things I would have passed on had I known there was a real person who would make my life this great. All I can do is let it go. I wonder how things might have been different, then realize that had there been a different path, I might not have ended up here. And here is starting to really feel like home.

I have told the kids over and over to be careful with the object of their affection because even if the girl or boy in question doesn't end up married them, the person very well may be someone's spouse. There are a lot of things that boyfriends/girlfriends say to one another before we know enough to be careful with teh fragile ego of another person. Causing as little mental trauma as possible is important - and I feel at times like I am living proof, struggling at nearly forty with ghosts of things that were said and expectations placed nearly 20 years ago. I look at my son who is 13 - the same age I was when I started dating - and I think "HOLY CRAP" I kad no business leaving the house - let alone dating!!!
I have been blessed with a patient man who has a big heart. What more could a woman want?

On Kerry's T shirt which said I spent 250 million to become president and all I got was this crappy t-shirt

She:I am sending you a copy of this picture titled T-shirt
He: The picture didn't come through on this one
She: I'll pull it up tonight when we get home - worth seeing
He: Your t-shirt? Sounds good to me

Multiple Choice

New Job
I started my job on Monday. Finally as I don't think I could take another week at home. The kitchen paint isn't done, but the need to be productive is so overwhelming that I was running out of things to fix. I decided that if I hadn't had that pressing need for income so that I could get things paid off - and make another run to Target, I could probably handle being home all day. I liked being here when the kids came home and being around to chat with Bear when she was home between classes.

I think I am going to like the new job, though today I was in the actual office for the first time, in the room next to where my new boss was. I overheard her talking to the nurse at the office where I'll be about some personnel problems and her comment was that I am blunt ( well, I am by my own admission) and that it will be good to infuse me into that office. That's a little scary, but a pretty great compliment.

License

Just wanted to vent and say that there is no excuse for it to take 5 weeks to confirm that a person has a professional license. It is online for Pete's sake! I can call in about 2 minutes with the correct information and bam - there is the verification. I am sure these people, like may other government workers are busy, but it cost me a month's insurance and four weeks pay.

Money
Well, I am experiencing proof that what you sow, you will also reap. I have been broke most of my adult life as a result of raising three kids on one income. Plus, I really don't fuss much about having cash - when the money is gone we wait until we make more - it is just money and there are so many people in this life which are more important. This would probably cause my father to scream - but he has seen it in practice, so at least it wouldn't be a surprise. Anyway, I was thinking on my drive home today that there have been a couple of windfalls when I had money to pay off bills and give to my friends who were in a spot - a thousand towards a wedding, a couple hundred for bills, and nearly another thousand on Christmas for kids who had lost their parents and money spent on traveling and taking care of family. Maybe there were other things - can't remember, don't really care about where the money went - only that I am truly thankful I was on the giving end at one time. I have spent a long time feeling like to ask for any help was problematic - to ask for money was the ultimate sin. I hardly knew how to respond, other than to be deeply thankful, when I was told not to worry about bearing all the financial burdens of my family - that financial help was being offered and I was expected to accept it gracefully. It is really odd to be on the receiving end, but for yet another act of kindness, another thing I can never repay, I wanted to express my thanks.

My hair is red and it is my own damn fault

I bought a box of hair color because I liked the results of the temporary color we did at Halloween. I thought I might like being a brunette, so I got the box. I have used this brand before, with no drama, only color I liked. Well, I took it upon myself to put the color on thinking that later in the evening Bear could apply the highlights. OOPS - it came out flaming burgundy - or mahogany - or whatever. It is a color I can definitely not pull off. SO last night Bear skipped the highlights - which by the way woudl have been pink - and added some brown so that my poor patients do not think they are getting dietary advice from a pudgy rock star.

Finally

I have been struggling for the past six weeks waiting for some state verification for my new job - and finally everything has come through. I hope to start my new job tomorrow and then start the hunt for a permanent home.I am looking forward to planting my garden again and getting a new batch of ducks in a box.

God has been gracious - and even though I waited longer than I thought I should, it is better that I feel ready to start than starting when I am still feeling overwhelmed by all the other aspects of my life. So, another thing to celebrate, another step taken, another milestone reached in the effort to bloom where planted.


LOVE AND BASKETBALL
Two years ago, I signed my middle son up for basketball at the encouragement of one of the football coaches. It was the league from hell which overshadowed every evening with practice and every weekend for months with games that were hours away. This drama was complicated by a coach who butted heads with me time and time again becuase his cuastic comments were out of line and DEFINITELY not conducive to forging a love of the game.

So here we are in a new place, the kids have not found an abundance of friends, so I took them over to sign up for basketball. As happened in teh past, I was talked out of the first sign up with a lot of theatrics. However, the second one, we stayed for. Luckily, the director was at the sign up. A lovely white-haired man who looked me squarely in teh eye and held my hands as I was describing my concerns about signing the boys up again. He was charming, as so many people here are, and I think this will be a good opportunity to get the boys out of the house. Interstingly enough, right after sign up, Josh came home to tell me that a boy in his class is also signed up and he thinks now that it will be fun. It certianly does not make up for missing the end of football season - Bubba really got cheated because he has waited to play for two years - and his season was ripped away. But I am finding that God has a design and a plan and that so far, everything has worked out way better than I could have planned on my own. So the Saga of Basketball begins with tryouts in a couple weeks - and we'll see how it ends!

Beauty School

It is probably my fault that my daughter has such an affinity for beauty school. As the daughter of a Barbazon model who by virtue of size and an ugly scar on my neck, never lived up to her modeling potential, I was fascinated by makeup and what a person could do to their appearance through the use of color. My hair has not stayed the same for more than about six months at a time.My most recent foray in color caused a skipped heart beat when he awoke to find a brunette.

In my younger days, before there were children to get ready every morning, it was not unusual for me to spend an hour in the bathroom with a makeup kit like a Hefty Bag. The current regimine can be accomplished in about 15 minutes, with makeup being applied as I drive to work. Definitely a more minimalistic approach.

A took a big step this week and not only let her color my hair much darker - which I like by the way, but I let her trim it. I am fussy about getting my hair cut because it grows back so slowly. It seems like the norm that my hair gets to a length I like and then I trim it only to find it too short again. She broke the pattern and did an excellent job of reshaping my hair (something that was desperately needed since I am starting a job) and leaving the length alone. I knew she was good, but this comfirmed it - the tuition will be worth it if I can finally get a good hair cut!!

Letter to the Bane of my Existance

As of October 31st, you no longer have any valid reason to contact me. I no longer live in your house or under your sick, twisted tyranny. For the next two years, and hopefully longer, you may not contact me - it is a court order and every time you contact me, I will report it to the police. You may no longer call and leave messages that you love me. How dare you even utter the words - you don't dismiss a woman that you love by going on dates and signing up for internet dating services, you do not show love by telling her to have sex with you and then threatening divorce, you do not file for divorce and date other women saying it is a way to work on your marriage. Love never includes hitting your wife or her 11-year old son. You do not love me, nor have you ever. You may have loved the idea of posessing me, perhaps even loved having someone to take care of you, but it was never me that you loved. There were so many parts of me that you never even bothered to ask about or learn about. I take comfort in the fact that I never showed you the deeper aspects of myself, and those stayed protected from your assault. I have peace with the notion that the man you pretended to be - the man I fell in love with - was never real. Kind of like falling in love with a character in a movie and finding that it was just a shadow of the actor.

My children and I have a right to pursue freedom and happiness and we have chosen to take that path, even though it has come at great personal cost - my job that I love, my family, their schools. You have taken all of that from us with your threats of hurting us. But you cannot hurt us anymore. I am stronger now - months of being out from under your control have enabled me to see how twisted your thinking is - how we could never have been perfect enough for you. Frankly, I prefer honest and broken to your false vision of perfection.

Your deciet and your lies - but mostly your vicious tongue have left scars and nightmares in their wake. I don't know if I can ever forgive you for what you have done to my children. It may require more fortitude than my heart posesses. You have twisted the very words of Christ that you used to lure us in. You have used His words to damage a family who wanted nothing more than for you to be the father and husband you promised to be. You will have to answer to God for that, just as I will have to answer for my transgressions. Woe be unto him who leads one of these little ones to sin.

Mostly I want to say, be wary. I have tolerated what I must in the pursuit of peace. It is not the way of the world, but it is what my Savior requires, that even when it makes no sense to me, I am to treat you as one of His children and to honor the vow I made even when you didn't. That season is over, and a new one has begun. I will not seek revenge, I leave that to Him. I will say, though, that should you be fool enough to seek us out, and I have occasion to face you, you will not wake to see the morning. I will no longer be tormented and hunted and if it takes my last breath to defend my family, I will do it gladly.

Be gone from me, Satan.

I forgot

Once, a long time ago, I knew what it was to be a girl
I knew to let the doors be opened, the bill be paid
A woman's worth is not measured in her income,
And the pleasure of her company is often the only repayment needed

Then things began to change and a cold wind swept in
Words were said and over time I started to believe them
Carry your load, this is your problem and your responsibilitiy
This burden is on you and will be carried with dignity

I was told that my shoulders were to bear my transgressions
Alone
And to ask for help meant accepting humiliation
and a recounting of my shortcomings - a list I know by heart

So I stopped asking for help - until I got so snowed under
I no longer had a choice but to ask and accept the consequences
And many days I just went without whatever I needed
Understanding that to dignity entailed self-sacrifice.

Now I am in a different place, and I feel like a starved child now being fed
I know there is another meal, yet deep down I am terrified
Afraid to go back to the emaciated life I had before,
Still trying to protect myself from a danger that is now a ghost

I feel uuncomfortable relaxing and filling up my soul
Yet, I need the air and the light that are in this new place
And I find myself gulping it down, savoring the goodness
I defy my own logic,sneaking nourishment and stashing it in fear

My soul has forgotten the comfort of depending upon another person
I had forgotten that the burden is often shouldered by two
I forget still that it is safe to ask
When help is needed - instead of waiting too long.

It is so hard for me to depend upon someone else
I sometimes feel like a burden - like I am not carrying my weight
But there is an abundance of blessed reassurance
And no review of my faults, only patience and kindness

And finally, I don't feel alone.

At Least I Didn't use a Shovel

Found this story and couldn't help but belly-laugh at the similarities!!

MSNBC.com

Vacation leads to home makeover by squatter
Stranger greets Georgia woman returning from trip
The Associated Press
Updated: 1:34 p.m. ET Oct. 22, 2004

DOUGLASVILLE, Ga. - A woman came home from vacation to find a stranger living there, wearing her clothes, changing utilities into her name and even ripping out carpet and repainting a room she didn’t like, authorities said.

Douglas County authorities say they can’t explain why Beverly Valentine, 54, broke into an empty home and started acting like it was her own.

During the 2½ weeks the owner, Beverly Mitchell, was on vacation in Greece, Valentine allegedly redecorated the ranch home, ripping up carpet and taking down the owner’s pictures and replacing them with her own.

Mitchell was a complete unknown to Valentine, said Chief Sheriff’s Deputy Stan Copeland. He said he had no idea how Valentine knew Mitchell was gone.

“In 28 years, I’ve never seen something this strange,” Copeland said.

Valentine was being held in Douglas County Jail on a $25,000 bond, Copeland said. If convicted, she could face one to 20 years in prison. Copeland said Friday that he believed Valentine did not have a lawyer.

The case came to light when Mitchell, who lived alone, returned home Oct. 4 to find the lights on and a strange car parked in the driveway. Mitchell called police, who went in and found Valentine, who at first pretended she was renting the home.

Later, Copeland said, she admitted she broke into the house with a shovel and was squatting there. She was charged with burglary.

Authorities found a gun and $23,000 worth of Mitchell’s jewelry in Valentine’s car.

Valentine had the electricity switched over to her name and moved in a washer and dryer and her dog.

Copeland said she was even wearing some of Mitchell’s clothes.

“There’s a lot of people saying, ’What?”’ Copeland said.

Valentine was asked what to do with the washer and dryer she moved in, and Valentine said she didn’t care, so police will leave it up to Mitchell what to do with them, Copeland said.

Sing a New Song

This morning my kids were singing. This doesn't really seem on the outside like a newsworthy event - except that it has been ages since I heard my daughter sing recklessly in the shower - or my son singing while he got dressed. When you have lived with someone who constantly complains about the noise level, not only do the extraneous sounds cease, but the joyful noises of happiness bubbling over stops too. I have moments where I still question if I did the right thing, but this morning, seeing the kids back to their "old" noisy selves confirms that the choice was right!

Killing me Softly

What is it about our personalities that requires a bad habit to feel alive? Is this yet another therapy issue - or is it just the way people are made? I was thinking about it this morning, and it is really odd. I spend extra money to buy produce that is organic -don't buy much processed food at all because of all the artificial junk in it and the damage that does to the immune sustem. I can and grow my own garden when I am able just to know there is nothing in that food but food. But every morning, I line up at the fountain for a Diet Coke or Diet Dr Pepper. That is really messed up. Spend all day trying to avoid additives and junk - then load up with 2 litres worth of chemicals that will eventually cause my gut to leak or my heart to palpitate from the caffeine. It would be worse for my body if I ate junk food all day long on top of the pop, but it is not good.
Choosing to eat healthy seems to most people like a chore - rather than a reward for making enough money to be able to afford healthy food - as opposed to subsisting on Ramen noodles and Macaroni and cheese. It somehow seems like punishment to use the low-carb or low fat versions, rather than a reward. The wiring is definitely off. Eating healthy does all kinds of great things to help me live longer and keep all of my parts working and attached as long as possible - it helps to assure that I will be around to see my grandkids. And yet - there is much less joy in Chicken and broccoli than there is in a big bacon cheeseburger.
When I worked as a smoking cessation counselor, a lot of people said that they smoked because it was the one decadent thing they had in their lives, it made them feel vibrant and alive. Nicotine is just as ugly on the immune system - and the nervous system as caffeine is - and smoked tobacco is laden with tons of other chemicals. People don't continue to smoke because they don't know cigarettes are dangerous. But there is a pressing need to do something decadent. A Juice smoothie or carrot sticks just don't do it.
So I guess the conclusion drawn from this little exercise, is that I have to find something that feels decadent, but won't really hurt me. For a while there I went out to breakfast almost every morning - that felt great, but wasn't really dangerous. Maybe I need to try more low carb ice cream - or spending the extra money to get exotic fruit - or hair color or a massage. There have to be some ways to feel indulgent without sacrificing my body to do it - it defies logic to reward my life by killing myself slowly.

A new garden starts

I have started my garden again - just pots now, but in teh spring, my herb garden will have a foundation. I brought my nasturniums with me from Indiana. I lovely friend gave me potted basil - some of which will go into lasagna tonight. I found terra cotta colored pastic pots with rosemary, chives and parsley at the grocery store. So the garden begins from scratch with rescued nasturniums, a little basil and terra cotta pots.

Life, Death and Brick Walls

I had a most interesting and necessary conversation yesterday. I was due. I started down that path of old and very bad coping - and thank God, I was called out on it. Being in love - hell, being alive - requires both life and death to complete the cycle and keep things in balance. It is the same cycle in my garden - a time for everything. There is life and fire that comes from finding someone you are compatible with - an inexplicable joy when kindness that you don't deserve and didn't expect is displayed over and over again. There is a new life - almost like a new entity - in the boundaries of the relationship - it is a creature that changes your course, effects what you think about and colors your dreams.

But there is also death - doors that close and I had forgotten that part. I know better, but I had forgotten. The door has closed on my old life - the place is gone, the things left at the house are gone, my lovely job, going to football games all weekend and watching the Boilermakers, the garden and the ducks are gone. It is not sad anymore - it just is.
There is also the death to the parts of the psyche that deceive me into believing I am better off alone, that I am safe when I am alone. There is a death to the idea that I am able to live without the help of others. It is a death to my pride - which should have been buried weeks ago. Without accepting the death of those ideas, I trivialize the great gifts of generosity and kindness bestowed upon me - and I am sorry for that. Having a little difficulty moving through the stages of mourning, but at least now I figured out what the problem is.
It is a cycle, old things pass away and new things are born. I know sometimes it takes a brick wall for me to get it - I hate being bullheaded. The lesson continued today as I was reminded that Job lost everything - including his wife and kids and he never lost faith that restoration was coming. I only lost dreams and ducks - so I need to stop the whining and feeling sorry for myself. I have been given the gift of friendship in a time when I didn't have enough sense to accept it freely. I doubted, for a couple of days now, that restoration was forthcoming. But I know better - my heart is restored every morning when I awaken to find there a man who loves me, my children nestled sleeping safely in their beds and a new day dawning with possibilities.

Stranger in a strange land

(Warning: Personal vent - if you are going to get your feelings hurt, stop reading now)

I haven't found a job I can live with yet. Oddly enough, this is really stressing me out. I am back to being a loner - having taken time last Friday to change my name and my status back to officially single - though single with three dependents would be more appropriate. I am finding that I am tired and I want to withdraw back to that place where I only have to answer to myself about what is going on in my life - but I am not in a position where I can do that right now - depending upon the kindness of others in a way I have never had to do. I don't like being dependent - never have been before -and it feels dangerous. Even worse is this overwhelming need of late for reassurance - feeling needy - and for a loner, neediness is a death sentence.

Perhaps it is the old habit of being responsible - solely responsible for the kids that has me in such a funk. I have taken very little personal time - time to do what I wanted to - over the past seventeen years. I do not regret for one second the choice to become a mom - but I have been a mother now since I was twenty. There are a lot of things I have passed by and on occasion - especially now when I am trying to clear my head - I feel that lack of personal time. Actually, I am feeling the self-induced guilt for relying on others, taking any personal time during the day - not getting enough done. This "enough" thing keeps popping into my head, and indicating to me that maybe I have to start clearing it out of my head. The need to do enough or be good enough is not healthy, but it is an old habit I am falling back into in teh current situation. Add in the mantra I am hearing about "It hasn't been long enough" and I would like to strike the word from Webster. Who draws the line at "enough"? Where is it? I am drawing my own damn line and from here on out, I will decide when it has been long enough, or when I have done enough or if I am enough. Y'all want to agree, that's fine - want to disagree, that's fine too, but I am really tired of people protecting me and making decisions about how my life will go without talking to me first.

The worst part is that I feel the Loner coping coming on. I used to joke that it was not a name, but a lifestyle choice. Having proven that I can be by myself (though who I proved this to is questionable) I want to pull away and be safe. At least when I am by myself I cannot get hurt. I am lonely as hell, but safe. Not a great coping skill set because I find that I am willing to forgo what I need because to ask makes me even more vulnerable. The adrenaline of running has drained and now I am just tired. I just can't ask - I don't know if I can heal it myself, there seem to be so many gaping wounds in my chest already. I have been so busy worrying about the kids, that I haven't bothered to stitch up my own wounds. Seems like it is time now, but there has been a lot of blood lost and I am feeling it.

Things I need to say

I am heading back to take care of a few details. Back into the lair. I am not particularly fearful, but I can feel myself being preoccupied with the things I have to remember.

What I need to say is this: I am happy - I have lived, of late, the life I have always dreamed of - with someone who loves me and someone who loves my kids. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would have a day like this - let alone day after day. I have felt comfort and concern and most importantly, I have felt safe. I have joked that if I died tomorrow, I could die happy... the world is an uncertian place. My family has peace at last and if I died tomorrow - or the next day, it would be with the knowledge that the life I wanted since I was little arrived just in time.

Meet the Parents

Went to lunch today with the man who is all things male (how was that honey??)'s mother and sister. I espected that since we have casually had conversation, there would be the obligatory round of questions that I would ask if aforementioned man was one of my sons. Luckily, I have been practicing the punchline: I know that things have not worked out for me in the past - or for him. As a single mother I don't have the luxury of living with someone, so I ended up married, early in a relationship, for the wrong reasons. More importantly, I settled. I will not do that again, ever. Neither will he.

It was a great lunch because we talked about my favorite topic - the man who is all things male. They were incredibly gracious - and I chose, as usual to be as straightforward as I could. Tough to explain away three marriages and three kids. Any mother would feel concerned. And yet, they were both kind and I think they could see how very much I love this man. We both have our own demons and we have some scars from years of trying to figure out which way was up! He has been good to us - beyond what I could have ever hoped for - and I told his mother that - actually I had one of those surreal moments where I was so busy basking in the thought of him that I forgot I was talking to his family. I also had a chance to relay that he has been honest with me about several parts of his life that weren't pretty - me too, and that we didn't really intend on dating - we just started talking on the phone and it progressed into this bonfire. Though I think I withheld the bonfire description. Gave me a minute to think - did I need some time alone - well, actually, I don't need to have a man in my life, I have proven that time and time again - but do I envision a life without him - absolutely not. It is such a lovely feeling to tell someone else about the blessings that have been bestowed on me and my family - wonderful to concentrate on what is going well and how safe I feel here.

So the first girl's lunch is out of the way - and now we can get on to the fun girl stuff.

Loving all the Parts

For a long time - nearly as long as I can remember - I have protected myself by only letting the man in my life see what I wanted him to see. It isn't something I am proud of - but rather, helped me feel like the inner most parts were safe and that I could walk away if I needed to. The kids know all about these parts - the basic things that men who only love the idea of you cannot see. The need to plant and watch things grow, the need to be productive and to take care of things. In my younger days I tried to deny these things and be the kind of person those around me expected. I remember vividly at my reunion that the people there said I had changed so much - yea, now I am openly a granola head.

It occurred to me that I have three dear girlfriends - all of whom know the real deal - all of whom have seen me at my not very great moments - and choose to love me anyway. It astounded me when, this week, in the midst of all the confusion, I realized that he knows me almost as well as they do.

As a Catholic, I have always liked reconciliation - you can tell someone your worst sins, and he tells you to make amends and that you are forgiven. The most important part is that as you are talking about what you have done - he doesn't run from the room screaming or chide you about poor behavior - it is absolute acceptance, no judgment - what is just is. Being in love for real is very much the same. We have to see the ugly parts of each other - when I don't shave my legs, when the kids are fussing and I am a push over - when he has that chew in his lip and cleans the house like a bachelor. We all have parts that we would rather hide - but in allowing those parts of ourselves to be loved, we are freed - knowing that there are no skeletons in the closet waiting to ruin things - knowing that we are loved for who we really are, instead of just a dream of someone else.

Thanks for seven more days

I posted yesterday, but the computer ate my lovely writing. I will attempt to re-create it, as the people involved deserve some credit

The Ogre wants to kill us - he even devised a plan. Because someone had the courage to speak up, we have had seven more days and hopefully many more. Lots of thank yous need to be said - for my folks who moved me again even though they said never again, for the Indianos who showed up to help and stayed until the bitter end, for Joshua's friends who carried lots of boxes, to the lady who kept my dogs with little notice, to Beth's dad who took in my ducks and not loves them too, to Steph and Lora and Alison for listening to me and challenging me when I was too buried to see things clearly. Special thanks to Steph and Mark for listening to me try to work things through in my head while they were on the other end of the phone - thanks for helping me look for jobs and houses, too. Thanks to Beth and Deb and Karen who absorbed my workload so that I could get to safety. Thanks goes to the family who welcomed us so warmly here - even though we came as refugees. Most of all, thanks goes to Justin, and those people who continue to allow him to vent, so that he can be there for me. Chris and Mel and Rich, you all have been his lifeline - and he has been mine - so thanks for helping bear the load. Over and over again I turn to him - a very new and uncomfortable thing for me - and he never disappoints me. How crazy is that - not an exaggeration - HE NEVER DISAPPOINTS ME. I have never depended on anyone in my life - or at least since Jerra came along 18 years ago. I don't think of myself as a control freak, however, when you have a lot of responsibilities, I guess there are some things you need to control. It has been wonderful to turn that control over to someone else - and have him effortlessly carry the burden. What a new and amazing thing. He has been kind and gracious and a better friend than I could have ever hoped for.
This week has been difficult for all of us - giving up everything you know and love can be a bit disconcerting - never mind that someone with a gun wants you dead. The kids have managed incredibly well, a little extra drama - but that's it. Jerra has spent a lot of time watching the boys while I try to restart our lives - and even the boys have been better behaved than I expected. I have been so greatly blessed and because I have been given seven more days than I might otherwise have had, I needed to say thank you.

California Dreaming

The sun is bright and it is nice and warm today. There is a little breeze that makes the temperature bearable. I went to Mass this morning again, trying to clear my head. I still feel so tired out by all of this. The reading talked again about how God is our protector through the ages.

A zillion things bouncing around in my head. Things I left behind, people I left behind, my ducks, my dogs, where the kids will go to school, how Jake will visit his dad from here - how we will visit our friends from here - what will happen - will we find a job, will we find a house - what will become of us - yea, that is a lot of bouncing.

Had two weird confirmations, though, in the last 48 hours. When I went to get groceries yesterday, the lady at the checkout asked if I was on my way to work, I replied that I was actually job hunting. She said " Well, baby, sometimes the Lord takes away something that we love so that He can give us something more wonderful" Just said it out of the blue - I nearly started crying right there at the register.

Then my Dad called. Seems my mom went to dinner with a woman named Millie Bianco. Her granddaughter was killed by her ex-husband after multiple attempts at arresting him for invasion of privacy - on a morning that he was released from jail and she wasn't notified so she could get out - this happened in South Bend in the late 80s. I haven't taken the time to look up the story, but suffice it to say, I think it was a sign - don't believe in coincidence. Millie told my mom that the description of Dan sounded a lot like Allen Matheny, the man who killed her granddaughter.

I miss my friends, I miss my dogs - my ducks, - football practice - my family - my life and my job. It just doesn't seem fair. I feel like my life has been ripped away and I am just supposed to take it. There are perks to being here - not the least of which is getting some sleep - but it still hurts. I don't want to be a burden - but it seems I don't have much of a choice in the matter. Another week to rest - another week to sort things out - and dream of a new life.

For the Record

Had a rather disturbing phone call today from my friend. Seems the big drama about my moving away is not that it is traumatic - that I am packing alone - that I am walking away from a job I love and a town full of people I adore - the concern is that there is another man. That really ticks me off!!!! I am a good mother - even if I have a dozen other faults, that is something I do well. I would never move my family just so I didn't have to sleep alone.

Well, for the record, I got taken last time, it happens. Now I have found someone who is amazing adn intriguing and kind to me and I love this man with all my heart, but rushing is not what this is about. I am SO tired of defending myself on top of all the other drama. I got taken, but that doesn;t mean I am stupid or blind. I wasn't the only person surprised when things went sour - the girlfriend who showed up at the shelter yesterday was pretty shocked too. These accusations that I would move my whole life for a man who isn't committed to me - they are just hurtful and troublesome and give me yet another thing to worry about. I love him, but lets be honest - someone wants to kill me, I am not really spending all my time wondering if the man I love is thinking about me - don't have the luxury at the moment. This man doesn't make promises - this is new territory for both of us - even I have had some emotions I never thought I would feel. But no promises are made. I have to stop myself from saying how I feel lest the agreement to help is mistaken as a promise he hasn't made.

I am not upset about it, really. I understand the need to analyze the living tar out of something. I also understand that for me, when I really value someone, I want to go out of my way to make sure they know it. He does the same thing - different dialect, but the same thing.

So I guess my big conclusion is that I will take this chance, but it is knowing that there are "inherent" promises - and more importantly, that this is about being safe more so that being in love. I love him, but the move is not about him - it is about being able to sleep again - being able to drive through McDonald's without seeing the person who wants you dead, being able to rest in my own space. It is about being finally free.

What a difference a day makes

It was only this morning that I thought I was finally free. Less than ten minutes after I signed the paperwork, there was an urgent call from my lawyer's office. The women's shelter had called them. Unfortunately, the Ogre's girlfriend was there at the shelter and was concerned for my safety. Not only had he roughed her up, but he had confessed to having a plan to kill the kids and I after the divorce was final. My lawyer told me to leave for safety immediately, not going by the house and not picking up my kids - just take off and have someone else do that. The whole conversation was surreal. My voicemail light was on, so I checked it - and sure enough, it was the lady from the women's shelter ( who ironically, I had just met with yesterday to talk over how dangerous the Ogre might really be.) I called back, the girlfriend was still there and is also concerned for her own safety. I questioned whether this might be a ploy she said the girlfriend was visibly shaken and that she had bruises. Also said that the girlfriend was making a statement to the police. She agreed to call me back and talk about my plan.

Again, that feeling that the room was spinning and my adrenaline was cranking. I made a couple of calls to assure that the kids were safe and would be safe until I could get there. Then I started trying to get in contact with my safe-places. yeah, I have a happy place, and it will be safe and I can finally get some sleep.

I had spent the night last night praying for a sign so that I could discern what to do, here's your sign. When the women's shelter and you lawyer CALL you and says to run now - guess it is time.
So I have a 30 day leave from work, all my ducks in a row, so to speak, and I am off on a new and incredibly frightening adventure. I have about ten thousand emotions all flying around at once, but mostly, I am so thankful that I found out early - and that I have people I can count on to protect me. Thank you.

It's Official!!!!!

Last night the Ogre called me three times - then again this morning to talk about a trade. Seems he can't get his cable hooked up until Tuesday - and would like to pirate mine over the weekend - ummm, no.

He continues to obsess, saying he doesn't want to lose the family. Said that he thinks there is something wrong with him because he just can't let it go. That something would be the ideal that you can hit someone, hit her child, say anything that comes to mind, even if it is cruel, and sleep with someone else as entitlement during a marriage. Of course he doesn't want to lose us - I was patient even when he was a mess. I believe in forgiveness, possibly to a fault - cooked all the meals, did all the housework and still worked a full time job, making more than he did. Yea, he had it pretty good, no wonder he doesn't want to let us go!! He also said that if he doesn't sign the divorce papers, I would be forced to stay with him. Also ummm, no.

So I convinced him ( now I need to go to confession) that the only way for him to keep us was to sign and enable us to get a house - which we can't with the papers unsigned. He agreed with the condition that we get together tomorrow to sign the car titles - yea, I'll get together with him, and bring the sheriff along for the ride.

So at 11 am today, I signed the divorce papers after he signed the papers and by the end of the day, I will be legally free of the Ogre. Physically free is yet another matter, to be determined at the end of the day today. Keep your fingers crossed.

Thinking deep thoughts today

I finally got to review the divorce decree and should get to sign it tonight or tomorrow.
The property I really was excited about - the one with the deer picture - didn't come through because of a glitch so that dream is out the window.
I met today with the lady from the shelter just to bounce some things around. I am having a lot of conflicting feelings about moving - where to go, how far to go - the only thing I know for sure is that I have to go somewhere by the end of October. She says that the Ogre's move to work in just a block away from where Josh goes to school is just the next phase in the plan to try to keep tabs on us even after we vacate the house. We went through the risk checklist - and we are at risk, still at that stage before things start to escalate in the cycle. She agrees that he is stalking us and that we need to get out. I asked about whether he would be likely to just drop it - she says the weird conversations the Ogre had about still wanting to keep me and win me back prove that he is not being rational, and that we are really at risk if we stay because he may decide that if he can't have us, no one can. This is the same man who freaked out about not being employed, then got a job and went in after the first day at 3am to remove all of his stuff and turn in a resignation to an empty city hall. The fact that he had a recent fall out with his girlfriend makes matters worse because now he is a bit cranked up - even if I am not the cause.

I also talked to her about Mom and Alison's argument that the other exs are still alive and kicking - but the difference in this scenario is that I have not placated him, while they have. She says that this puts me a greater risk since I challenged his skewed perception of his masculine supremacy. I have tried using jail as a deterrent - but since he has now been arrested three times, twice for violating the no contact order, she thinks he will continue to push the limit. We batted around the ideas I sent to you all, starting with just changing houses and staying here. She also said she didn't think it would be far enough. The more we atlked about it, the more clear it bacame that since he is unpredictable, it woudl be best to get away and be safe. It makes me so sad.

I think I could take him - hand to hand I may be a chuggy girl, but I am stronger than he is - feel pretty firm about being able to protect my family - but I am not always home. We have hotel deadbolt locks on the doors, the kids don't want to go out after dark alone and worst of all, Jerra has been sleeping with a big butcher's knife under her bed - I have had the pellet gun under my pillow. This is a stupid way to live. It has been almost two weeks since I got an entire night's sleep - and that was because Justin was here and I felt safe. Every night I get up and check to make sure everyone is safe. When the dogs start barking, I have to get up again. Seems like I am lucky to get even 3 hours in a row - and my mind is just running non-stop with all the things I need to do to start my life over.

Worst case scenario, we move away and start looking at a move back when Josh gets to high school age. From two of the locations we could get home over a long weekend. I just don't see any way for us to stay without looking over our shoulder for Dan all the time. That is just no kind of life. I have been a single mom in a strange land before, even if something would happen and my friends/family at either spot would not be able to help, I think I could do alright. It is a lot to ask of a friend - hey I have to relocate because a nut job is stalking me - we all are having some baggage from not sleeping and being assaulted -could we crash at your house until we can sort something out? Geez - it sounds worse on paper!!

Preparations

There is a lot to do when you are changing the direction of your dreams. I spent the last two years collecting things that someone with a little organic farm would need - herbs, pots, markers, ducks and tons of books on how to make it all work. That dream and the five acres that bear my raspberry canes and cherry trees, are soon to be gone.

Last night the Ogre moved back into his house - alerting me by unceremoniously calling my HOME phone number at 11:30 to see if I had an air mattress he could use. A little aside here - the only reason I had an air mattress is that I bought one so I could sleep on the floor of the boys room - I used that mattress nearly every night from November of last year until I moved out at the end of April. The audacity of asking for the symbol of something that ugly - I bought it after I received the ultimatum that either I would "put out" or sleep on the floor - I chose the floor apparently.

Today, I had to start seriously paring down. I found a home for my ducks - this being yet another affront I am holding bound - I love those little ducks and watching them has brought me so much joy - now I have to give that up. I gave up ownership of my house by letting my folks buy me out. I opened a new bank account and will close my others out as soon as the papers are signed, have to move all of those things that already come out automatically. I am preparing myself for this evening - when, after helping Jacob construct a brain for school tomorrow - I am going to go through my closet mercilessly, giving way more to Goodwill than I want to - and box up things I won't see again until we get where we are going. Planning on living out of a suitcase of carefully chosen things so that we can be ready to go quickly if needed. The boxes are next - I have this sentimentality problem, but a quick move doesn't afford me that luxury, so the paring down begins.

I keep thinking I should be afraid - there are so many factors that are unknown - feels eerily similar to when we moved to Arizona - who knows, it may be the next best thing that ever happened to us. I keep praying, but all the anxiety I feel is about the Ogre - not about moving.

Looking for the Signs

I have more decisions to make - actually, I just want to take a nap and feel safe again - but that only happens when I know I have someone there who is on watch instead of me. I want to just curl up next to a hairy Swede and find some rest...

I am tired - probably getting close to sleep deprivation because even when I sleep - I wake up - walking around the house making sure everyone is still safe and that the Ogre isn't sneaking around. I am working frantically trying to pack things up and get ready to bolt if I need to. I am looking for a clear sign that I need to take action immediately, but I am too tired I think to see things very objectively.

I had four separate friends - in different zip codes - who do not talk to each other - tell me over the weekend that they are sensing a change and that I am in danger. The Ogre has taken a new job so that he will be working for the town about 2 minutes from my house and the kids' school. He even offered to pick the kids up from football -which I took as a thinly veiled threat that he COULD do such a thing. He has been driving by my house, sometimes several times a night - at about 5 miles an hour and last Friday he came to my office on business, but also checked the lot for my car. His creepiness factor is increasing. During the same conversation about the new job, he again reiterated that he loved me ( never mind that he has been banging another woman since March and didn't even have the decency to file for divorce before jumping on her) and that he is very sad the I have found someone else. Says he may not sign the divorce papers that were drawn up three weeks ago. I am still in Limbo.

Here is the real catch - if he dismisses the petition, my restraining order also is dismissed - little loophole in our county. I am back to those those first days in May when the police were called and I was told that everything was joint property until the divorce was final and that they couldn't do anything about him breaking in my house. Cannot put my family through that again. And since he is certifiable - I may have to move anyway. Moving brings safety, but also a wealth of other complications including relocating a 13-year old who is Joe Popularity at his current haunt.

So here are the options:
1. Stay here and put up with it, hoping he signs eventually - or filing myself if he drops it and waiting it out. Possible - I am finding I am a lot stronger than I thought - but Dan's risk of being killed because he threatens one of us is also much greater. Miffs me that this is not feeling like a better option because the kids have built a comfy life here - except for the Ogre-aspect.
2. Stay every night with my folks so that we can feel safe. Honestly, I am really tired and I love my folks but my mom is just stressing me out more right now, so this is not an option. Plus - if I need to move out of the current house anyway, I need to work after work every night at reboxing and sorting things.
3. Move away - if he doesn't sign and I have to refile, I could move away. If he continues to be a threat after the signing - I could still move. Would have to be where I know someone, I am tired and I don't want to go it alone right now. Could go to Indy, I have friends there and know my way around a bit. Job wouldn't be difficult. Could go to Steph or could go to Justin. Either place would be good - and I think I would feel safe there - he won't be taking the initiative to drive by that far away.

I am making a decision by Friday - hopefully God's timetable will intersect with my own and I will be able to decide then.

Just in case you think He isn't paying attention

This has been a tough weekend - Jerra and I are both sick. Between the fever and the Ogre's multiple drive-bys this weekend, neither of us has slept. Then there is this sudden shift among my friends - from viewing the Ogre as a nuisance to viewing him as a real threat. These conversations were very enlightening - especially because I have so much on my agenda already.

Well, yesterday after Jacob's football debut ( he started on Defense and also played Special Teams) my folks wanted to have a conversation about all of this at the park close by. Won't go into the details of that now - suffice it to say that tempers flared and tears were shed. During the course of this meeting, my purse was left on the ground. I retrieved it before we left and went home about 6:30.

This morning as I followed my normal routine of zipping through McD's for my eggs and sausage, I discovered that my wallet was no where to be found. I asked the nice lady taking orders if I could get breakfast on my good looks this morning - she just smiled and shook her head ( told you I was sick!!)

Then it came to me - a picture of my wallet beneath the bench at the park. At 9:30 this morning I went to the park, and there was the wallet - just as I had pictured it. Safe and intact with every piece of ID I possess.

Just in case you think God isn't busy watching us - remember that He watched over that wallet and kept it safe from all the kids that were in the park last night and the dog-walkers who were there this morning until I could get back to retrieve it. Things like that don't happen in a world where He isn't paying attention. Wonder why I live by Faith - why I am an optomist - because every single time I need Him, He shows up and takes care of things I didn't even realize I needed help with. Just needed to testify a bit here -especially because this could have gone MUCH worse.

Unfortunate Circumstance

What brings you here?

"I am here because of an unfortunate circumstance at the wedding of a friend. I fell head over heels for this girl who lives six hundred miles away. So here I am."

Hearing it described this way, as we were walking hand in hand through the yard of a house I am thinking of buying, it occurs to me that this makes a pretty good story - two people who have never met, but know each other's stories through their mutual friend, meet at her wedding where they are both bridesmaids, get entrenched in chemistry and tequila, then spend months and money driving/flying the 600 miles required to get them in the same zip code. Isn't there a movie like this - (Justin, I know you can find one!!)

I don't know how the story will end - though at the moment, it seems to be a series of new beginnings. The more time we spend together, the less I am able to tolerate being apart, though I know it is a necessity at present. I am looking forward to see how it plays out - as he takes a fantastic new job and she moves to a new home with deer in the yard and ducks in the pen.

AT LAST

The greatest difficulty in dating someone 600 miles away is wishing you could spend more time together. Although he is exceptionally conscious about calling me when he thinks I am having a tough day, most of the time that contact just makes me acutely aware that I cannot reach out and touch him. I miss you seems to be the mantra - but not today.

Most every day, I have to tell him I miss him - but not today, and not tomorrow or the next day. He is back with me at last. When we get to see each other it is as though the rest of our lives were some kind of weird dream - and the real life only occurs during the time we are together. We sat chatting at Joshua's football game with my folks last night - as naturally as if we had been doing that for a dozen years. He has become a natural extension of my family - whether I wanted that or not.

When our friend Steph called to see if he had made it in one piece at last - he started singing the song - At Last - same one I have been humming for weeks - much to the dismay of the kids. He didn't know that before - but the rolling eyes from his audience probably gave it away.

Josh had trouble sleeping and while I was brushing my teeth, he crawled onto the bed and chatted with him until I came back in. There was no conversation about why he was in my room - no awkwardness when he and the kids are together. And the most amazing thing - I came home like a whirling dervish - usually a term I use, but he used it yesterday - and still he was happy to be there and help me wind down at the end of a very long day. If you have never worked yourself to the bone day after day, it is probably difficult to identify with how incredible it feels to have someone tell you to sit and stop working - that you deserved to rest. I need to hear that because I forget sometimes.

When I went to sleep last night, I waited, with much difficulty, until I knew that he was asleep before I allowed myself to doze off. An aside here - I can sleep through about anything and about anywhere - so keeping myself awake was quite the task. I didn't want to lose one minute of our time together - there is never enough time - and I always leave wanting more time to just listen to him breathe.

Today I woke up with the most wonderful sensation of not being alone. This is not the first morning I have awakened with a man in my room, but it always surprises me that the emotional impact of having him there is so much different than anything I have ever experienced. Watching him curled up in my comforter brings feelings I don't have words to name - a comfort, a longing, a desire to keep all of me in one place. It is one of those emotions that only tears of joy can express. I feel overwhelmed by the blessing of this man and what he does for my family.

We are going to see a movie tonight - and we are also calling Magnolia, the woman at the wedding who told him " Listen to me, I am serious. You two, I see something there. You have to see this girl again. " Okay, I am now willing to admit she was right!!

Why my daughter cannot be a bartender

My daughter is a creative art project in motion. She loves to create things in the kitchen - candy, hot sauce, cookies, new variations on every dish I have ever made. Like me, she is addicted to the Food Network and loves nothing more than watching Emeril or the Iron Chef's create something beautiful out of nothing.

She has the same passion about makeup - this is the child who had 21 lip balms of assorted flavors, colors and glitter contents in her purse at the Coca-Cola museum. She loves the color and texture of the whole thing - and has loved makeup and hair color ever since I can remember. Being a real blonde, she can get away with a lot.

She has taken art at school for the past two years. One of her projects, a tie die piece that has a fancier name than I can remember - hangs at my desk - the azure, pinks and purples dancing a waltz at the center of the piece. Even her room bears the distinct marks of an artist in process.

For the past two years - and actually the two years we were in Arizona, there was little to no alcohol in the house. Being a good Irish Catholic, I immediately bought bourbon and wine when I moved into my own place. Over the last four months, I have added other items to the liquor cabinet. She likes to experiment - so I have had mango margaritas - wouldn't recommend those - some seriously beautiful regular Cuervo Margaritas, a couple of drinks that resemble a White Russian - but have the added Buttershots, and a lot of cold beers.

Her most recent concoction is the reason she cannot become a bartender. I bought a bottle of Sambuca - she decided it would make an interesting martini - so off she went. The Sambuca and vodka was just a bit harsh for me - so she mixed it. Little did I know that the cream was also mixed with more Butter shots - the licorice in the Sambuca covered the flavor. It was not a big glass, but the cream and the ice made it more like dessert than a drink. So 5 shots of alcohol later - I was surprised at how easily the drink went down. Yea, that's dangerous. In the morning I concluded that my child may never become a bartender because I haven't been plagued by a hangover since my 20's - and the one after the Sambuca concoction really hurt. Creativity is lovely - adding more sugar or a little more vanilla is great in baking, but adding 3 more shots of alcohol is the difference between relaxed and drunk with a hangover on the way!

need to vent

warning: I need to vent this - it is personal and is not directed at any one person, but the throng of people who seem to be using God for their own personal amusement - when you mess with a member of the bear's family, she has to swat you.

I take my faith very seriously. Don’t have any other choice since I depend on God and His providence to help me when I am overloaded. Let me tell you, when you are the only support – emotionally and financially – for three kids who depend on you, there are moments that the weight is unbelieveable. Yesterday was just such a day – the kitchen sink was broken, one child was sick and needed a doctor visit and antibiotics, another forgot his football pads and needed me to drive out to school to drop off the rest of his fees for football and advanced Jazz band, the dishes were as high as the Eiffel Tower because the sink and subsequently the dishwasher was out of commission, the rest of my belongings are boxes stacked precariously all over the house – awaiting a permanent resting place, the other house needs “thresh holds” and mums planted so I had to swing by and pick those up, the trash and the brush needed to be put out for collection today, there are about ten loads of laundry as a result of recieveing the remainder of our clothes from the Ogre, Jake had a stomach ache and a melt down before football when I wouldn't let him take canned diet pop in place of water, had to meet with the Ogre to exchange the cell phone and computer – he is still crazy and has decided that now he wants to be married to me – that is a whole other issue - the van still has a short and had to be taken over for repairs, and then there is work – this is my busy time and I have about two hundred charts at my desk waiting to be reviewed, I am trying to do the coordination for a big nutrition Wellness Promotion for my company, working on the Christmas party entertainment and then there is my actual work.

As I read the list, I think - HOLY CRAP - that is only one day – but by the end of the day, all but the actual meetings for my work groups was taken care of. That is not something I can do by myself – it is nothing short of divine intervention, keeping all of it straight and still managing to tuck my boys in and spend some time with my daughter talking about teenager stuff.

I don’t consider myself a prude – I have certainly tasted the sweetness of the apple tree – but it just irks me when people have this need to mock God – again because He is very real to me and He intervenes daily to keep my sane in this mess. There are just some things that should be sacred –even if you aren’t a believer, things like adultery and stealing don’t do good things for anyone’s life. It really isn’t funny that people go to Hell, isn’t funny that the gift of salvation is offered, but people refuse it – isn’t funny that people who have taken vows are tempted and fall into sins. Really miffs me that a person would feel like Hell is an option - It will piss me off if I get to Heaven and the people I love didn't have enough sense to be there, too.

This also hits a nerve for me because I have spent two years committed to someone who spent every day criticizing my faith -and I spent a lot of energy defending my faith. I spent the last two years VOLUNTARILY OBEYING the rules of the Church which said I couldn't receive communion if i was married outside the Church. I don’t go to church and call myself a believer because I have it together – I believe because I realize that it takes about half a second for me to choose the wrong path and that doing the wrong thing is ever so much easier. Church is not a hall for saints but a haven for sinners. I am tired of apologizing and explaining. We never know when the next breath will be our last - why gamble - why not live like this might be the last day you have - forgiving even though the person doesn't deserve it - saying I love you to the people who need to hear it and doing your best.

Bottom line is this: Once again God has blessed me - no other way to explain how I came across someone in Albuquerque, at just the right time in my life, when neither person was looking, and the deep need of everyone ( kids and grown-ups alike) involved was fulfilled – that doesn’t happen by accident or by Fate. What kind of fool bites the very hand that feeds us? Why piss off the benefactor of our good fortune and blessings? Just doesn’t make any sense to me.

Musings on Monday

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Sorry, Sweetheart, I just couldn't resist!!!


Another Day Apart

There comes a morning, a dawning realiziation, that all of a sudden every song on the radio is about the two of you. Songs about longing and being apart bring me close to tears; I can feel that pain because it is so close to my own. The times that I wake up wondering where he is have become less frequent - and though it was romantic - it was torturous to have that waking moment where I felt the pillows wondering why his ribs were so soft, only to come out of sleep and discover it was not him at all. There are times that I want the pain of separation to stop, but I am not willing to lose him, only willing to whine about it. I have moments where I want to talk to him about some little thing the kids have done or the puppies or whatever, and I am struck with the reality that he is not here. Impulsivity problem - thank God for unlimited nights and weekends! When Jake and I ran out for ice cream last week, Jake wanted to call and ask if we should swing by and pick him up. It took a second for the reality to sink in that it was not possible - hard to do that from here.

I will not apologize that I think in big terms. I do not spend my time and emotions on people and relationships for fun or entertainment. Single mothers worth their salt don't have that kind of luxury. If I didn’t think there was potential for the two of us, I wouldn’t insult either of us by pretending I did. There isn’t a point to having a long term relationship with a man you are in love with if you cannot ever see committing to him. I don't have any idea how that will play out, especially since there are jobs and houses and college and schools which all seem to be in the way at the moment. Not committing to anything would trivialize the miracle of finding someone you are compatible with who actually likes you back. The realization that suddenly all of your plans for the future include someone else can feel overwhelming. I don't even know where to start - back to the whole idea of where do we think we will live - where should Jerra look for colleges - do we stay here - do we go there - do we pick a new spot??? Lots of questions remain unanswered - and unasked. And yet, I would like nothing more than to make promises and gift to him a future of a family who loves him.

Hard to know when the time is right – don’t want to rush either of us – and getting used to having someone else standing beside you (and checking up on you when you are driving home late) takes time. I should by all accounts be scared out of my mind – even the thought of promising anything or opening myself up after last time seems incredible. But there is this quiet reassurance that this is different. That this is real and true …everything that is good in the world is contained in the moments that we are all together, here, at the lake, at the hotel, at the Yellow River Game Ranch. Doesn’t matter where. It is as though I have been at the frontline standing alone against enemy forces and all of a sudden I have reinforcements - leagues of reinforcement. I have been able to call on my girlfriends for moral support - but this is different. I feel stronger, braver and more assured than I have in ages. I feel like myself again –strengthened because there are two of us now. Tackling the daily dramas of raising three kids, five dogs, nineteen ducks, six fish, and two frogs doesn’t seem so difficult when I know that I have a secret stash – the love of someone who seems to understand; the blessing of someone who will say: hey, wait, listen to me, until my soul is calmed down and my head is cleared; the miracle of a kiss that soothes my doubts like a hot toddy on a winter day. I can only pray that I am a blessing to him in return - I would like nothing more than to know I make his life better by helping to carry his burdens.

So I will make it through another day apart, telling myself that we are preparing our lives, preparing our hearts, checking and cross-checking to assure that what we see is accurate, dreaming of a day when we can wake up together and no longer spend the days apart.

Restoration

Job 42:1
Then Job answered the LORD and said,
Job 42:2
"I know that You can do all things, And that no purpose of Yours can be thwarted.
Job 42:3
'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?' "Therefore I have declared that which I did not understand, Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know."
Job 42:4
'Hear, now, and I will speak; I will ask You, and You instruct me.'
Job 42:5
"I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear; But now my eye sees You;

Job 42:10
The LORD restored the fortunes of Job when he prayed for his friends, and the LORD increased all that Job had twofold.

There are no words to express my deep graditude for this torment being over a week earlier that it was supposed to be. By Monday, the papers will be filed, signatures in place, and there is a new beginning. And after I sign that paper, I will never think of the Ogre again, but he will not be able to forget the family he has forsaken. I will live my life in a dance of thanksgiving to God who protected me, gave me a fair settlement, and will provide the best revenge - living well surrounded by people I love.

How to Know if your Ex is Demonically Possessed

During the final meeting to hash out all the details in the divorce, there was a discussion about extending the restraining order/no contact order for two years. Had to push for that since he has apparently lost his mind and feels that terrorizing a family is appropriate behavior. The conversation went something like this:

His lawyer, dictating: The No Contact order will be extended for two years as agreed by the parties and they shall have no contact with one another during this time.
Ogre interruption: Wait, no contact for two years? What if I need to talk to her? What if I need to call her or she needs something?
His lawyer: No contact. You can't call her, or talk to her.
My lawyer: That is kind of the whole point of getting divorced.
The Ogre: I think I still want to be married.

The room fell silent - both his lawyer and my lawyer were stunned into silence. In that moment, I suddenly saw the person I married - not the monster, but that person who was suddenly awakened into the realization that his marriage was ending. It was truly frightening to see.

My lawyer piped in: You will have to find someone else for that now.

Winds of War

The hair stands on the back of my neck
My instincts say there is evil on the wind
A force to be reckoned with
Scratching at the air, circling me like prey

I dare not speak of this out loud
But the entity has made it’s intention known
My prayers continue to rise
A plea that things will not end this way

I touch the souls I have for support
But how do you give words to this?
What can I ask of them
To give up their lives and offer protection?

I know it has prowled around my house
In and out of the sacred space where
I hold my children
Watching them as they peacefully dream of tomorrow

There will come a time of truth
When the evil will have to be confronted
And I gather my strength
Steeling my will for the fight that is coming

I circle back home, checking the locks
In the dark I check outside, assuring we are alone
Turning on sensors and lights
Knowing they are not really protection from evil

The day grows nearer, the tension palpable
He has miscalculated the power of my Deliverer
But I must survive the test of patience
That is asked of me; enduring the lies and assaults

On that day, I will do what is required
I will stand for the truth, stand for my children
If a violent end is required,
That too I will embrace as evil has chosen it’s course

Appearances

Sometimes it looks like in spite of my prayers, the Enemy is winning. He already tried to steal my dreams by destroying a marriage and trying to cause my family to live in fear of a man who is merely the shell of a human. When I watched Fallen last week, I could so clearly see the similarities in what has happened to Dan the Ogre. Creepy.

Over the weekend, I spent a lot of time talking to God and thanking him for a new start, from bringing Justin into our lives, for the personal growth that has occurred as a result of the disaster that was my life with the Ogre. I have felt pissed, confused, abandoned and now, exceptionally blessed.

Last night I returned from the lake only to find that two of my lawn chairs had been stolen from my front lawn - in plain site - and that several of my things had been taken out of the attic of the house next door - and were left on the porch without cover. Nothing like coming home late only to find you will have to carry furniture inside after you tuck your kids into bed. Again, we clamor for revenge, and again I reassure myself and the angry kids that God will take care of this for us and that in the end, the Ogre will pay.

Jerra was home sick today, and something told me that while I was out of the office, she should have a way to get me by phone. I called and let her know where I was. At 2:10 she called me crying to tell me that Dan had tried to get in the front door and when he found that locked, he went around to the back door and tried to get in. I bought special locks - the kind they have at hotels which latch on the inside. When I bought and installed them, Jerra said it "creeped her out" and she didn't like them. Today, they worked well. She said Dan ran from the yard as she came to the back door to see who was there, leaving the woman staring after him as he got in his car and drove off.

He had come with an appraiser, a woman who was told that Dan lived there. Of course, he does not. Jerra was friendly, asked for a moment and called the police to report the attempted break in. They sent an officer who interviewed the appraiser and then Jerra let the woman in to do her job - not sure how long she stayed or even if she was done, but God bless her, Jerra was polite.

I listen to radio preachers on the Moody Bible station - helps keep me focused on what is really important. The message at 11:30 today was this: I will not fear what men may do to me. My Lord can raise the dead, He heals the lame, He comforts the sorrowing, He promises that the lowly of this world will inherit His Kingdom. He is Truth and Life. He already saved me from strangulation, drove me home when I had no business behind the wheel, got me through colic and then brain surgery with Jacob, brought me and three kids a thousand miles away from anyone we knew, and He has blessed me in ways I cannot even put into words with the people who love me and surround me. I will not live in fear of the Ogre - demon that he is. The Enemy will not beat us - or make me afraid - or make me doubt. I only have eleven days left until this whole thing is decided and I can embark on my new life. I expect that it will be the toughest part.
It reminds me of the opening scene from The Passion, Satan lurks while Jesus considers his prospects and gathers strength. Then there is the look of Absolute Resolve, as He stands and decides to do what is right and what is asked of Him. In that moment, the power and determination shows through - would have scared me if I had been on the other end of that look. It is that same Deliverer who guards my house and protects my children and me. I will not fear what men may do to me.

When Love Walks Through the Door

First I want to vent a little bit. If a man goes to war and he is engaged in both peacetime work and ugly battles, he is considered a seasoned veteran. If he has been in a battle and lost, does he bear the entire responsibility – or are there other factors that play in over which he has no control? No sane person would blame the loss of a battle on one man, it takes a series of events for a battle or a war to be lost. Relationships are a similar circumstance, it seems to me. There are choices to be made, tasks to be delegated, people with important responsibilities, new territory to navigate, enemies, land mines, ambassadors, politics and plenty of people with opinions. This begs the question – is a person who has never been married better able to discern what a healthy relationship looks like – what about if they were married once, twice or three times? How many times a person has tried and failed is not nearly as important as whether there were lessons learned and skills sharpened. There are choices to be made – do you pick yourself up and learn from it – or do you stay in the same patterns? I have failed at three marriages – and each time I should never have been there in the first place, and I sold myself short – settling in some way for the bird in hand. I have friends and family who have encouraged me to trivialize what I have found by dating around. Newsflash - I have been dating since I was thirteen - it hasn't been working for me so far!!!

Here are the things I know:
1. Getting married because you are pregnant is not a good idea
2. Getting married because people expect you to is also bad
3. Staying away from relationships all together for 8 years is not a good idea
4. Thinking the opposite sex is the enemy, a source of entertainment, or a retirement program is wrong – never thought this, but I have girlfriends who do
5. Choosing a relationship because your kids need a dad – also wrong
6. Finding and losing someone you really love is incredibly painful and time won't make those feelings go away.
7. Time will tell a lot about a person’s character – so will a soggy camping trip
8. Settling leads to heartbreak and / or divorce
9. I cannot be in love enough for two people
10. I am secure about who and what I am, and I don’t have to agree with my friends
11. My friends and family love me and will always be overprotective because they do
12. I have to make up my own mind based on what I have learned and lived through

Geez – I knew a lot more than I thought I did.

I didn’t want to fall in love ever again. Had no intention – wasn’t looking. Actually, I had said I would not even entertain the idea. I didn’t pick him, Jacob did, grabbing him by the hand and walking into the stadium. When I sat by Justin that night, I thought he was someone else (had my stories confused with another of Steph’s friends). I didn’t mean to like him – then I couldn’t stop liking him. Even after I started talking to him on the phone, I kept trying to figure out where to put him, how to ignore the chemistry and keep him as a friend – what to do about the growing feeling like we were connected and drawn to each other – in spite of ourselves. I have said all along that it is probably funny to watch from the outside – two people who love each other but are fairly pissed about becoming so vulnerable so fast.

He spent the weekend at my house. It was the first time ever my home felt complete – first time I felt joy at having a man there, as opposed to the gnawing feeling in my gut like things will not be good enough. He said he loved me – and not like "I love cherry chocolate chip ice cream", like I love you for real. This is a big step for us both. I never have had so much trouble saying the words, but then again, I cannot remember when I meant it as completely as I do now.

I Wanna be a Bear

I wanna be a bear
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for
six months.
I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat
anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat
them too.
I could deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He
EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup..... I wanna be a bear. - Anonymous Author

Today's news included a story of a bear in Washington who drank 36 cans of Rainier pale ale and passed out in the park...and the bear MADE THE NEWS!!! Anyone else for being a bear???
http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/West/08/18/bear.beer.reut/index.html

Prochoska’s Stages of Change

There are times in our lives where things get shaken up – and the path takes a turn. Sometimes they are sudden, sometimes you can see it coming a mile away. I spend my days helping people make positive changes in thier lives - believing in them when they cannot believe in themselves.

Oddly enough, I had an in-service this morning on helping people make changes in their lives, and like all other health-related in-services, much of this applies to my own life. The important thing to evaluate where we are in the process of making changes and then use the appropriate resources/methods to make those changes. The stages are as follows:

1. Precontemplative – in this phase we believe we do not have an opportunity, or that something cannot happen to us, so we do not actively do anything in our lives to address the potential opportunity. In this phase, collecting information and assessing our potential is very important. The time frame for changing here is never, unless we get enough information that it motivates us to go to the next phase
2. Contemplative – in this phase we may see that an opportunity to better our lives does exist. Here is where we start to change our identity-view, deciding that there could be a different version of our lives. We are aware that an opportunity exists. More information is gathered as well as thinking about how others around us will be effected by the changes. Information about potential interventions (jobs, diets, medications, relationships, locations, etc) is gathered and evaluated. Change can come within the next six months from this phase
3. Preparation – In this phase, there are specific plans, based on the information gathered. Small changes are made on a trial basis before jumping into the full active plan. In this phase the best thing we can do for ourselves is to understand that change will feel uncomfortable and that we may try a small adjustment only to find we don’t like it. Trying something else is fine. Often times, this phase needs a time limit or a start date to keep the momentum focused.
4. Action – this phase includes active pursuit of the opportunity, making lifestyle changes that will accommodate the new identity and behaviors. There is a commitment to continue this behavior and see how things can turn out. Lapses are common and expected. To make a change permanent, it will take us about 6 months. Failure in this phase is often due to fear or wavering commitment to the opportunity. Keeping track of how this has improved your life or how much money is saved or earned can help. Having a support system to encourage you can also make a big difference on the days that it seems difficult.
5. Maintenance – after a change has been in place for 6 months, it becomes habit. The healthful behaviors have led to the ability to cope with lapses, negative emotions, and tempting environments. In this phase, support is important and continuing to commit and work at the change is imperative (to stave off false confidence)
6. Termination – in this phase the change has become fully integrated and there is no longer the temptation to wonder if you have made the right choice. This is not a goal everyone reaches, but it is possible if you have the belief in yourself and your abilities.

Girlfriends and 20/20 Hindsight

I have been blessed with some terrific girlfriends. I can count six who I know would come bail me out of jail if I needed them to - two of whom recently did! Though this is a blessing in most aspects, the close nature and long term of these relationships leaves me open to criticism that can really sting.

Last week when I was talking to one of my friends, she said that the new relationship I am in is foolish and that I am not good at relationships. Actually, she said that I suck at love and dating. Not sure if the end of that argument was that I should just be alone forever, or that I should just give up hope. This is the same friend who chided me two and a half years ago about being alone for 8 years and not taking a risk and dating again. Seems I just can’t get this right.

Anyway, this gave me food for thought as I looked for the grain of truth in what she said. She is someone I love and trust and her opinion really matters to me. So I introduced her to the amazing man I have found. I couldn’t answer the question as to why with all the women in the world he would choose me – or why he is willing to risk it with someone who has been to the rodeo before – and been unsuccessful there. I can't explain why this is different, except that I am happy, I am myself, I can't stop feeling great about my new life, I want to write again and I feel like I have found a piece of my family that was missing. I called twice now seeking her observations and her opinion – especially since she also says she knew the last marriage was doomed the day I got married (would have been useful before I walked the aisle).

I love my friends, but it irritates me to no end that I brought a man who was talking about marrying me to them, asked for their opinion and they DIDN”T TELL ME THE TRUTH!!! Why else would I bring him? If I come asking for your opinion – I want the truth not what you think I want to hear. And thank you for telling me ten times that you knew I shouldn’t have gotten married last time – if I had believed any of my friends shouldn’t have gotten married to their husbands, I sure as HELL would have said so – instead of letting them live through the nightmare that has been my life for almost two years.

I have a hundred reasons to run like mad. But I have one reason to stay. God doesn’t break His promises. He promised that He has plans to prosper me, not to harm me. He promised to be a father to the fatherless and a husband to the widow. He promised to listen to our prayers and answer them in His Time, even if the answer was no. He promised that if I have faith and hope and love that everything will work together for good – even things that are horrible. Bottom line is that He likes restoration – He likes to reward faith with blessing to make a point to all those people who are not sure God still takes an active part in people’s lives anymore.

So still I wait to hear from her, hoping for insight before hindsight.

Time (waiting stinks)

There are days that I speak of patience
And the words sound logical and true
I hear myself say that it doesn’t matter
All I really want is to be with you
No matter what we call this season we are in

I don’t want to be patient anymore
On the days I am not as strong
I don’t want to wake up in an empty bed
No more sleeping alone all night long
I don’t want to wait, don’t want to be practical

I feel like I have waited my whole life
For my life to begin, for time to come
For someone to know me and love me
For someone who would be strong enough
To keep promises made in the dark

But I know that only more time
Will vanquish the demons that cause
Questions and doubts, getting in the way
Of expressing the things I so desperately
Need to say to you, to myself, to the demons within

Only time will prove whether each of us
Is the person we seem to be
Only time will be able to judge whether
The right choices were made, the right path
Was taken, or whether we went off course

So again I trudge through the day
Knowing that it is too soon to tell
Too soon to promise, too soon to doubt
I stand again, letting your affection mold me
Praying I don’t talk myself out of the love of my life