Sleep Deprivation for a Good Cause

I was reminded this morning that sometimes I get so busy looking at the trees that I miss the actual forest. This isn't new to me- since I deal with insulin all day long, it is not uncommon for me to get really focused on one issue or one adjustment and then bring that out to examine the bigger picture.

I have a new friend, well, he is quite possibly an old friend and if you believe in past lives, he was probably my friend before as well. Easy conversation which makes the time pass deceptively fast echoes the conversations I have with my closest girlfriends - women I have known for almost half my life. That is a rarity. I have had male friends before who were a lot of fun to engage in conversation- honestly, it is a prerequisite to romance for me now - but this conversation has a level of honestly and transparency that I haven't seen before. It is intriguing - and given the phase I am in right now, it is also moving me forward.

I hadn't realized the amount of time we have spent together, since most of that time is followed by wanting to spend more time and ask more questions, but as it worked out, I have seen him 10 days in a row.
huh?
how is that even possible? I have tons of work- full time job and full time gig with the kids-and I just don't have time.
But apparently I do - and that may be the reason for my sleep deprivation.

I also learned that I do not protect my heart from being broken just because I don't admit to loving someone. It's true: I am selfish about the "I LOVE YOU" words. Don't get me wrong, I certainly have people that I love and I fall quickly and stay there eternally. After where I have been, I have been busy protecting my heart with a piece of waxed paper rather than a shield. Somehow I thought that if I didn't say the words, it would somehow keep my heart from feeling them. Okay - I know this sounds daft- but I actually believed it on some level. I had decided that I would not say those words again for a very long time. But I was called on this particular brand of BS and upon examination, I saw that he was correct: it was BS. I love people- I just do - I love talking with them and seeing them interact and people watching- I am just fascinated by them- and because I am able to see my oneness with them, I love.

I've been thinking a lot about the barriers I have set before myself over the years. Feelings of guilt over failed relationships, things I should have done better as a mother, everyday shortcomings - all became barriers between me and my ability to see myself accurately. It occurred to me that if God is able to see everything that I do and love me both because and in spite of my failings, that I might consider doing this in His image as well: "You are forgiven everything because I love you completely" ( not sure where I read this but it has made all the difference.)
I was willing to forgive people who fell short, who physically hurt me, who were the other party in my failed relationships - those were easy. Forgiving myself was more difficult.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes has a section in Women Who Run With the Wolves where she describes making a map of those key moments in your life which changed its course or caused you to change the way you looked at yourself. Then marking those places with a little cross- like the ones you see beside the road in the Southwest and in Central America. This honors and acknowledges the place on the path where your life changed. Acknowledging that even those mistakes were made with the information you had available then - with the version of yourself that you had then- and they seemed like a good idea at the time. Might not be the same thing we would do now- but we are not in the same place as we were then- so who knows. But they deserve honor because they have shifted who we are to get us to here and now - to our current version. ( I know I like this version of me much better than the 24-year-old version, though her decisions had a big impact on who I am now).

Forgiveness came when I realized that the only way to stop being tethered to that version of me was to stop agonizing over what I had been and move forward. Can't move forward while looking back. And interestingly enough, in looking forward, I am able to change things so that I don't repeat those same mistakes.

And that is where I am this morning - little sleepy- lots to do- but pleased at my choice. I am spending time with someone who is challenging me a better version of myself just by being with him.

While You Were Sleeping

While you were sleeping, I read the notes you wrote, marveled the pictures you had taken and saw what was important to you- the outline of your heart clearly visible.

Your friends, the fractionated pieces of your life, in picture form with glimmers of sunlight and smiling faces look out at me like stills from an old family album.

While you were sleeping - that relaxed and renewing sleep after the sweetness of life has graced your hours - the curls in your hair filled my daydreams

Through endless miles, I thought of the things you have said to me in friendship, in concern, in service to my family and was filled with thankfulness for you. Passion infuses your words when humor does not, allowing a stream of endorphins and adrenaline to fill the space between us.

It takes a lot more courage to be honest when what you say isn't what the other person wants to hear. That kind of courage is lacking today - impressed is an understatement. When the person in question is formidable, well, then courage is an understatement as well.

The sparks from the split logs in your fireplace emanate warmth and light, like prayer bundles, carrying my burdens skyward. There is comfort in a desolate season where warmth eludes me.

While you were sleeping, I thought about the times that I was not able to be myself and then not able to be the someone else I had become. Decent honorable people are few in this world. Those who take the time to look under the facade are even more rare. I am blessed to count you as my friend and I realized that while you were sleeping.