Job is one of my favorite folks because he is the epitome of hope without reason. He was tested beyond his emotional limits by the loss of his family and his physical limits by the onslaught of sores. His spiritual limits were tested as he was forced to wrestle with the very God who had abundantly blessed his life before. He was surrounded by people who were sure they knew more about his soul than he himself did. Nice friends, they come to comfort him and when he asks why God has allowed this to happen, they come up with a listing of his faults. This is a warning to those of us who are called on to provide comfort - shut up and listen. The friends only bring more pain, not healing.
Seems to me that God does not create evil, but rather than being an entity, it is a state which describes the lack of God, like darkness describes the lack of light. Bad things do happen to people who do not deserve it - like Job. Though our humanity suggests we deserve something better - a harder look at what we truly deserve is warranted.
I wonder when people talk about what they deserve, if those people have ever seen poverty or AIDS babies or land mine victims. Who on earth deserves that? Do people in Arizona really deserve to live in a house of mud and discarded lumber without electricity or running water? Do they deserve to live on land that can still not support farming? Do their children deserve to die at a higher rate than the rest of Americans because they live on a Reservation? Can babies truly be blamed for the sins of their conception? Can toddlers be blamed for afflictions caused by their toddling about? And what about the rest of us? Is there really some measuring stick that determines that Donald Trump is more worthy of wealth than the nurse's aid who works nights holding old men's hands as they fade into death? It is written that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to get into heaven and that a man cannot serve two masters - he will love one and hate the other. Feeling that we deserve something is an outlet of pride. Perhaps what we already have is what we deserve.
In taking this more personally, I wonder if, by my very existence, I am entitled to a life without drama, a happy home, stable finances, or a life with a true love by my side. If I deserve that, someone needs to have a talk with God because it certainly has not happened yet.
But what do I truly deserve - if I am honest, I will admit that I fall short of deserving a life that has already been so blessed. I have bad days, I tell white lies, I do things I am not proud of, and sometimes in one week I cannot even keep track of the number of commandments I break. My feelings get hurt and I say things I shouldn't, I lose my patience, I wonder why other women get nice husbands and a picket fence and I work my butt off raising three kids alone. Does that make me "deserve" a better life? Hardly.
Instead, like Job realized, life comes to us in spurts. Sometimes things are painfully ripped from us, only to be restored a hundredfold later. I have spent way too many nights sleeplessly caring for children whose fathers have run away. But the best part of those men, the part I definitely did nothing to deserve, is the pure hearts of the kids they left behind. Do I deserve the handful of wildflowers that my son brings me - or the kiss on my forehead from my new teenager - or the fashion advice that my daughter gives me? No - those are all gifts - something I do not deserve, but accept willingly as the gift they are. Everyday they teach me about loving people, about acceptance and about grace.
I know there are people who believe that once they are saved, we are entitled as children of the Kingdom. But the saving came at a high price - paid for in blood - paid for by a Mother watching her Son be tortured to death - paid for by the Angels silence. Pretty high price, pretty big responsibility to live up to that. There was a line in a movie - something about with great power comes great responsibility. So, even though a price has been paid for me, my sinful nature seeps in. This is what interferes with what I deserve. How can I be deserving of anything if I repay someone's death with my sinfulness? I wrestle with God about that one - at the moment He is winning because He knows a lot more than I do.
So what is the answer? First is the recognition that as humans we are flawed. Our sinful nature is inescapable. Even when we keep the ten commandments, we still have moments where our lives could be lived more carefully, more purposefully. Second is accepting the burden placed - when someone dies to save you, you have a responsibility to make their sacrifice worth something - that doesn't mean driving yourself crazy, but does mean trying your best. Third it is being realistic about what we deserve. I hate when people tell me I deserve better - actually, I don't deserve squat, whatever good comes my way is grace and gift - not because I am some phenomenal person who deserves good things. Perhaps it is that each of us is given a gift - or maybe a slew of gifts and we are required to use those gifts wisely - to better ourselves, to better our world and to make a difference to those around us.
Monday, August 09, 2010
Sunday, August 08, 2010
Treasure...
Did you ever have something in your hand that you thought was not very valuable, only to discover that it was real and valuable?I have gotten kitchen gadgets and jewelery before thinking they were cute or ingenious, and later discovered that they were far more valuable than I had originally estimated. I find that with people sometimes. I'll meet someone and think they are interesting and down the line, I find their companionship and counsel invaluable. Sometimes the most mundane of circumstances produce the people who will make up your friends for the rest of your life- and it is a joyful surprise. You just never know. Have you had it in reverse: where you thought something or someone was incredibly valuable and that you couldn't live without it or them, only to find that you got along just fine after they were gone. I don't miss my dishwasher at all- and I thought I had to have one to survive. Turns out, you don't.
As a little girl I was always fascinated with the story of the man who had a huge harvest and was planning how to store it when God took his life from him that same night. This story quite frankly, scares me a little. As though the minute things were going well for the man - poof - he was gone.We seem to stay so very focused on monetary wealth, on what we have, what we want, what we would get if we had a million dollars...you get the picture. It always surprises me that we value each other much less than we value our things. A big screen TV does not hold you through a long night, an iPod doesn't bring you meals after you come home from the hospital, a new car doesn't stop to ask if you need help with the yardwork. I know these are obvious examples, but the most glaring thing about the story of the man is that he was planning ways to provide comfort to himself with all of his wealth. There was no mention of what he would give to widows or orphans or his good-for-nothing brother or anyone. It occurs to me that this may be the reason that his life was taken: his laser-focus on his owncomfort without thought to sharing the wealth with others. Maybe this is the difference between wealth which is shared with others and is a blessing versus wealth that overtakes a person's life because they are struggling to keep it to themselves.
I have not had to worry much about wealth as an entity. Probably a good thing. I think people are more valuable than things- though I do like having a car, using it to see my friends and patients is it's more important purpose. The most important thing we can do is to let others know just how important they are, how valued they are, flaws and all, and how much we appreciate them in our lives. So today, if there is someone you should thank -take the time and do it!
As a little girl I was always fascinated with the story of the man who had a huge harvest and was planning how to store it when God took his life from him that same night. This story quite frankly, scares me a little. As though the minute things were going well for the man - poof - he was gone.We seem to stay so very focused on monetary wealth, on what we have, what we want, what we would get if we had a million dollars...you get the picture. It always surprises me that we value each other much less than we value our things. A big screen TV does not hold you through a long night, an iPod doesn't bring you meals after you come home from the hospital, a new car doesn't stop to ask if you need help with the yardwork. I know these are obvious examples, but the most glaring thing about the story of the man is that he was planning ways to provide comfort to himself with all of his wealth. There was no mention of what he would give to widows or orphans or his good-for-nothing brother or anyone. It occurs to me that this may be the reason that his life was taken: his laser-focus on his owncomfort without thought to sharing the wealth with others. Maybe this is the difference between wealth which is shared with others and is a blessing versus wealth that overtakes a person's life because they are struggling to keep it to themselves.
I have not had to worry much about wealth as an entity. Probably a good thing. I think people are more valuable than things- though I do like having a car, using it to see my friends and patients is it's more important purpose. The most important thing we can do is to let others know just how important they are, how valued they are, flaws and all, and how much we appreciate them in our lives. So today, if there is someone you should thank -take the time and do it!
Fear in the Face of Uncertainty
Or " why you cannot move forward if you are looking back"
Twelve years ago, my son, Jake had brain surgery. It was nothing short of miraculous that he was diagnosed- and the surgery and recovery went off without a hitch. At the time, I was concerned, but my overwhelming need to see him live was much more pressing. I was told, very frankly by the surgeon, that if he didn't have surgery, he would be hit in the nose, leak cerebro-spinal fluid and perish. Okay, surgery it is then.
The present situation is a little more difficult for me, though one would think after going through this at 3, that going through it at 15 would be a cinch. I don't know what it is exactly: the fact that he has be struggling with unpredictable seizures this year, the fact that I have adjusted my life to be able to take care of him until I kick off, or the fact that this comes at the end of a year where all three kids have struggled. Who knows.
And if I am to be honest with myself, diagnosing where my fear came from is irrelevant- the problem is there is fear and it has to vamoose.
I consciously made the decision to be a mother, and subsequently decided that an unhealthy relationship was not the place to raise my kids. Okay, those were good decisions. What I didn't bargain for was all the fallout from trying to be both mother and father, the times I would miss the signs and miss opportunities to intervene, and more importantly, I underestimated my need to have a strong shoulder to lean on. Oddly, the need to have a man put his arms around me and tell me it will all be okay is overwhelming at times. My daddy used to do this- every time we were together- and it made me feel safe and protected, because surely if he said it was going to be okay, then it was. When he passed away, I looked to the man in my life, but, it just wasn't the same.
So I have struggled with this ghost pain. You can't just go up to someone else's husband and ask them to hold you....you can't pick out a date based on the broadness of his shoulders...and just forgoing this forever isn't a great option.
Then came Friday of this week. As will happen when you are too much in need of something, I just melted down for the want of it. Looking back, I was like a crack addict willing to forgo good judgement in order to get my fix. It wasn't pretty, but it was overwhelming. I needed to hear someone tell me it would be okay. Mom had said it to me just that morning, my friend Lora had told me two days before, but I just wanted to hear it from a man I trusted. Now as an aside, this is an old pattern of behavior and is in no way healthy, so please understand that I just figured it out.
So I called a man I trusted.
And I asked for him to call me back so I could talk to him.
And the call back didn't come.
Maybe it never will.
And in those moments, driving over the mountains in the rain with the glory of God all around me, there was a still small voice which said "Be prepared". I've heard it now a dozen times when I am worrying about things I cannot control. It was the right advice. All of a sudden there was peace - a peace which has managed to make it from Friday through Sunday without being shaken. This is the version of myself that I want to be, the one who faces adversity and does not panic, who knows that God has been watching over her, who trusts that when He says he will be there to take her burdens, that He isn't lying.
I don't get many "mountaintop" experiences with God, they are mostly small moment like sunshine through my window, where I feel His presence. I figured out, during that time over the mountain, that my fear was getting in the way of being prepared, of getting ready for what my life may hold after surgery, for getting Jake prepared for his new life after surgery. These are an unexplored territory just bursting with possibilities. I may be able to travel, back to the Navajo Reservation, or work as a missionary, or become a nun, or whatever my little heart desires if all three of my kids are able to move on with their lives as healthy adults. What a miracle that would be.( Dear Lord, just for the hope that this gives my heart, I would like to publicly say thank you) It has the promise that all things will work together for those who love the Lord.
As for the man: he is a good and patient man. I hope with all my heart that he will be able to see past my momentary lapse and forgive me. I will hold out hope, and the possibility that God will speak to his heart.
So far, He hasn't let me down. Now, I will stop looking back and start moving forward.
Twelve years ago, my son, Jake had brain surgery. It was nothing short of miraculous that he was diagnosed- and the surgery and recovery went off without a hitch. At the time, I was concerned, but my overwhelming need to see him live was much more pressing. I was told, very frankly by the surgeon, that if he didn't have surgery, he would be hit in the nose, leak cerebro-spinal fluid and perish. Okay, surgery it is then.
The present situation is a little more difficult for me, though one would think after going through this at 3, that going through it at 15 would be a cinch. I don't know what it is exactly: the fact that he has be struggling with unpredictable seizures this year, the fact that I have adjusted my life to be able to take care of him until I kick off, or the fact that this comes at the end of a year where all three kids have struggled. Who knows.
And if I am to be honest with myself, diagnosing where my fear came from is irrelevant- the problem is there is fear and it has to vamoose.
I consciously made the decision to be a mother, and subsequently decided that an unhealthy relationship was not the place to raise my kids. Okay, those were good decisions. What I didn't bargain for was all the fallout from trying to be both mother and father, the times I would miss the signs and miss opportunities to intervene, and more importantly, I underestimated my need to have a strong shoulder to lean on. Oddly, the need to have a man put his arms around me and tell me it will all be okay is overwhelming at times. My daddy used to do this- every time we were together- and it made me feel safe and protected, because surely if he said it was going to be okay, then it was. When he passed away, I looked to the man in my life, but, it just wasn't the same.
So I have struggled with this ghost pain. You can't just go up to someone else's husband and ask them to hold you....you can't pick out a date based on the broadness of his shoulders...and just forgoing this forever isn't a great option.
Then came Friday of this week. As will happen when you are too much in need of something, I just melted down for the want of it. Looking back, I was like a crack addict willing to forgo good judgement in order to get my fix. It wasn't pretty, but it was overwhelming. I needed to hear someone tell me it would be okay. Mom had said it to me just that morning, my friend Lora had told me two days before, but I just wanted to hear it from a man I trusted. Now as an aside, this is an old pattern of behavior and is in no way healthy, so please understand that I just figured it out.
So I called a man I trusted.
And I asked for him to call me back so I could talk to him.
And the call back didn't come.
Maybe it never will.
And in those moments, driving over the mountains in the rain with the glory of God all around me, there was a still small voice which said "Be prepared". I've heard it now a dozen times when I am worrying about things I cannot control. It was the right advice. All of a sudden there was peace - a peace which has managed to make it from Friday through Sunday without being shaken. This is the version of myself that I want to be, the one who faces adversity and does not panic, who knows that God has been watching over her, who trusts that when He says he will be there to take her burdens, that He isn't lying.
I don't get many "mountaintop" experiences with God, they are mostly small moment like sunshine through my window, where I feel His presence. I figured out, during that time over the mountain, that my fear was getting in the way of being prepared, of getting ready for what my life may hold after surgery, for getting Jake prepared for his new life after surgery. These are an unexplored territory just bursting with possibilities. I may be able to travel, back to the Navajo Reservation, or work as a missionary, or become a nun, or whatever my little heart desires if all three of my kids are able to move on with their lives as healthy adults. What a miracle that would be.( Dear Lord, just for the hope that this gives my heart, I would like to publicly say thank you) It has the promise that all things will work together for those who love the Lord.
As for the man: he is a good and patient man. I hope with all my heart that he will be able to see past my momentary lapse and forgive me. I will hold out hope, and the possibility that God will speak to his heart.
So far, He hasn't let me down. Now, I will stop looking back and start moving forward.
Friday, August 06, 2010
Hombre de Alma
It has been said that after a long and cold winter, when the hunting is poor and each day is a struggle for survival, the wolves will come down from the mountains. Rather than feasting on the bounty of spring, they will feed, then in what seems like a random way, kill without eating their prey. They will kill two sheep and leave one, they will come into towns and farms that otherwise would be safe, they will kill because they must. Wolves always kill for food rather than for sport, so this phenomenon suggests some change in their natural order.
We are very much like those wolves, when we have gone through a period of starvation, of denial, of trying to behave in a way that is counter to who we really are, we are hungry. Down to-our-very-soul hungry. We live in a civilized world, so there are certain behaviors that are considered appropriate and others that are not. As a result, we can get really fixated on one aspect of who we are, and miss the other three. We put the legitimate needs of one aspect on hold as it were- either out physical, intellectual, emotional or spiritual needs. All of these needs are valid and are a part of being fully human, and yet, there are societal pressures and constraints which ask us to deny one or all of these aspects and needs in order to promote the growth of the others.
Hunger of the soul- denying who I am and trying to be good, be proper, be coy- rather than being the God-loving, earthy, dirt-under-my-nails, hippie-mother to many, who loves freely and loves deeply - starves my soul.
Think about someone who is very focused on their career, who puts off dating and family until that aspect of their intellectual life has reached it's pinacle - often at the expense of their emotional and spritual growth. There are others who are very focused on the physical, spending hour after hour at the gym, but never getting any further in their intellectual development than what is on the TV over the Cardio machines. Others get overly focused on emotional development, losing days upon days of precious time trying to find themselves - or becoming so wrapped up in what they have "been through" that they miss out on what life is offering right this minute. Still others can become immersed in the spiritual aspect of the self, spending all their time trying to be more than the physical, emotional and intellectual beings that we are - and loathing the parts that make us human.
When people in these scenarios are presented with the very thing they have denied themselves, the thing needed to fill that hunger, they realize that they are ravenous, that it has been way too long since....someone kissed them, or they spent time in worship, or they read something that enlightented them and made them feel more alive, or that their heart beat intoxicatingly fast. We are presented with the very thing that we need to fill that hunger, and rather than just eating until we are filled, we gorge ourselves, taking in more and more.
Sometimes we are blessed, and we see the pattern early enough to stop it, push back from the table and wait until the next meal. Other times, the hunger overtakes us- we cannot get enough physical contact, we cannot put the book down, we cannot stop writing or painting, we become immersed in the passion of our faith and think of nothing else, we become an emotional mess. When we are hungry for too long, we are more likely to let the thing we have denied ourselves to take over our lives and to overrule our good judgement.
And so the real question: at what point is getting back into balance a sin, versus a part of the process to get us healthy again? Intent would be my barometer - though there are things on the Big10 list that are non negotiables. Getting back that balance can be messy- sometimes we swing our behavior in the complete opposite direction of where we have been. We dust ourselves off and get back up to try again.
We are called to live a life in balance, taking time to feed all the aspects of who we are.
We are called to be Wholly human beings - feeding our intellect through words and experiences, feeding our emotions through relationship with others, giving and receiving love, and creating something; feeding our physical self through physical affection, healthy eating, activity, and feeding the spiritual self through daily interactions with our Creator.
The soul must be fed, because denying the soul, denying what it is to be human, also puts us at risk for behavior that is out of balance, that is hurtful, that is contrary to who we want to be.
So today, feed your soul: read a book, paint a blue-paint picture, plant something, kiss someone, take a walk, spend time talking to God, tell someone you love them. Feed your soul
We are very much like those wolves, when we have gone through a period of starvation, of denial, of trying to behave in a way that is counter to who we really are, we are hungry. Down to-our-very-soul hungry. We live in a civilized world, so there are certain behaviors that are considered appropriate and others that are not. As a result, we can get really fixated on one aspect of who we are, and miss the other three. We put the legitimate needs of one aspect on hold as it were- either out physical, intellectual, emotional or spiritual needs. All of these needs are valid and are a part of being fully human, and yet, there are societal pressures and constraints which ask us to deny one or all of these aspects and needs in order to promote the growth of the others.
Hunger of the soul- denying who I am and trying to be good, be proper, be coy- rather than being the God-loving, earthy, dirt-under-my-nails, hippie-mother to many, who loves freely and loves deeply - starves my soul.
Think about someone who is very focused on their career, who puts off dating and family until that aspect of their intellectual life has reached it's pinacle - often at the expense of their emotional and spritual growth. There are others who are very focused on the physical, spending hour after hour at the gym, but never getting any further in their intellectual development than what is on the TV over the Cardio machines. Others get overly focused on emotional development, losing days upon days of precious time trying to find themselves - or becoming so wrapped up in what they have "been through" that they miss out on what life is offering right this minute. Still others can become immersed in the spiritual aspect of the self, spending all their time trying to be more than the physical, emotional and intellectual beings that we are - and loathing the parts that make us human.
When people in these scenarios are presented with the very thing they have denied themselves, the thing needed to fill that hunger, they realize that they are ravenous, that it has been way too long since....someone kissed them, or they spent time in worship, or they read something that enlightented them and made them feel more alive, or that their heart beat intoxicatingly fast. We are presented with the very thing that we need to fill that hunger, and rather than just eating until we are filled, we gorge ourselves, taking in more and more.
Sometimes we are blessed, and we see the pattern early enough to stop it, push back from the table and wait until the next meal. Other times, the hunger overtakes us- we cannot get enough physical contact, we cannot put the book down, we cannot stop writing or painting, we become immersed in the passion of our faith and think of nothing else, we become an emotional mess. When we are hungry for too long, we are more likely to let the thing we have denied ourselves to take over our lives and to overrule our good judgement.
And so the real question: at what point is getting back into balance a sin, versus a part of the process to get us healthy again? Intent would be my barometer - though there are things on the Big10 list that are non negotiables. Getting back that balance can be messy- sometimes we swing our behavior in the complete opposite direction of where we have been. We dust ourselves off and get back up to try again.
We are called to live a life in balance, taking time to feed all the aspects of who we are.
We are called to be Wholly human beings - feeding our intellect through words and experiences, feeding our emotions through relationship with others, giving and receiving love, and creating something; feeding our physical self through physical affection, healthy eating, activity, and feeding the spiritual self through daily interactions with our Creator.
The soul must be fed, because denying the soul, denying what it is to be human, also puts us at risk for behavior that is out of balance, that is hurtful, that is contrary to who we want to be.
So today, feed your soul: read a book, paint a blue-paint picture, plant something, kiss someone, take a walk, spend time talking to God, tell someone you love them. Feed your soul
Thursday, August 05, 2010
The New Church
It has become a more and more popular trend for people to repeat those lines from "stigmata" that the church is everywhere- outside, in the grocery store, under a rock, in the woods, with friends - you get it, everywhere.
While I do agree that the church extends into these areas, I don't think there is a reason to devalue the legitimacy of church as a building filled with people who are in need of the salvation offered within. How can I learn about how others have struggled and triumphed with issues of faith without going into the building? How can I physically see my neighbors and friends each week, and listen to the Word of God from the Old and New Testament without going into the church? How can those who are new to the faith- or returning to the faith be assured that they have access to information - and that that information is legitimate? How do I get FED with the sweet essence that is the breath and word of God without going into the building?
Truth is, there are workarounds for many of these things - my relationship with Christ doesn't end when I walk out the doors, neither do my friendships. But life is short and our list of work to do is long, so we don't make it around to see people like we used to, the church affords us this luxury. My favorite argument for going to church- even when there are people there I don't like, even with the restrictions of my faith: the fact that I can give of myself entirely to Christ during that hour or so that I am within the pews. No internet, no phone, no interruptions, no dogs barking or FedEx guy at the door- just me and My Redeemer. It is liberation beyond measure. The experience fills me with joy- I see my friends, I witness the miracle of the Mass, I bask in the glow of Communion and I am still and listen to what God says. It is the time that I breathe.
There are things about the Church that I don't agree with - and certainly some people within that I don't agree with. Sometimes it trying out several parishes before you find one that "fits" the rhythm of who you are and how you NEED to worship. That's okay too. Churches are filled with humans and we, by our very definition, are a living, growing, complex system that doesn't always mesh with the next system. And we make mistakes, and we fall down - the very reason we are at church in the first place. We have recently started going to a new church and I love most everything about it from the tiles which remind me of some ancient cave to the baptismal font's lovely melody in the entryway. But it is still just a building until it is filled with believers and the power of our prayers. I really like the pastor- but pastors are like doctors: you have to find one who speaks to you in a language that your heart understands and responds to.
I've been a single mother for most of my life- and apparently not a very smart one. I wasn't receiving support and chalking up all the extra money in my account. Instead, I was working my tail off and trying to find a way to rob Peter to pay Paul and keep the lights on. Not an easy task- and a a result of my need- my inability to meet my very basic needs like utilities and groceries - I turned to God for provision. And in a gesture that I did not deserve, He provided. Time and time again. Through joblessness, through sick kids, thorugh nursing school, through brain surgery and the zillion other little things we needed, He rescued us. So I take my faith very seriously- it isn't an abstract idea- it is an inherent part of who and what I am, as much as being my father's daughter is a part of who I am.
While I do agree that the church extends into these areas, I don't think there is a reason to devalue the legitimacy of church as a building filled with people who are in need of the salvation offered within. How can I learn about how others have struggled and triumphed with issues of faith without going into the building? How can I physically see my neighbors and friends each week, and listen to the Word of God from the Old and New Testament without going into the church? How can those who are new to the faith- or returning to the faith be assured that they have access to information - and that that information is legitimate? How do I get FED with the sweet essence that is the breath and word of God without going into the building?
Truth is, there are workarounds for many of these things - my relationship with Christ doesn't end when I walk out the doors, neither do my friendships. But life is short and our list of work to do is long, so we don't make it around to see people like we used to, the church affords us this luxury. My favorite argument for going to church- even when there are people there I don't like, even with the restrictions of my faith: the fact that I can give of myself entirely to Christ during that hour or so that I am within the pews. No internet, no phone, no interruptions, no dogs barking or FedEx guy at the door- just me and My Redeemer. It is liberation beyond measure. The experience fills me with joy- I see my friends, I witness the miracle of the Mass, I bask in the glow of Communion and I am still and listen to what God says. It is the time that I breathe.
There are things about the Church that I don't agree with - and certainly some people within that I don't agree with. Sometimes it trying out several parishes before you find one that "fits" the rhythm of who you are and how you NEED to worship. That's okay too. Churches are filled with humans and we, by our very definition, are a living, growing, complex system that doesn't always mesh with the next system. And we make mistakes, and we fall down - the very reason we are at church in the first place. We have recently started going to a new church and I love most everything about it from the tiles which remind me of some ancient cave to the baptismal font's lovely melody in the entryway. But it is still just a building until it is filled with believers and the power of our prayers. I really like the pastor- but pastors are like doctors: you have to find one who speaks to you in a language that your heart understands and responds to.
I've been a single mother for most of my life- and apparently not a very smart one. I wasn't receiving support and chalking up all the extra money in my account. Instead, I was working my tail off and trying to find a way to rob Peter to pay Paul and keep the lights on. Not an easy task- and a a result of my need- my inability to meet my very basic needs like utilities and groceries - I turned to God for provision. And in a gesture that I did not deserve, He provided. Time and time again. Through joblessness, through sick kids, thorugh nursing school, through brain surgery and the zillion other little things we needed, He rescued us. So I take my faith very seriously- it isn't an abstract idea- it is an inherent part of who and what I am, as much as being my father's daughter is a part of who I am.
Here we go again
It has been some time since I posted - the last two years encompassed in work and teaching CCD at my neighborhood church. The house has been renovated as a result of a nasty storm, I have grown accustomed, once again, to being single and am refocused on being a mother to my kids, and I still love my job. Quite a bit of improvement in just a couple of years.
A lot has happened, and I'll integrate some Jake stories for my old friends, just haven't gotten to that yet.
Last August, when Jake started high school, things were going pretty well. About a month into the school year he had a seizure in gym class and knocked himself in the head with a barbell. ER visit followed and it was the beginning of what has been a lengthy process. His seizures are not in good control- by a long shot. They come unbidden and without regard to triggers- unless you consider air and water as triggers.
So 12 months later, we are discussing a partial frontal lobectomy: taking a part of the frontal lobe out which is causing the seizures.
On one level, this scares the peanuts out of me. But on the other hand, it could be the answer.
Jake has prayed constantly for God to take this burden from him- to let him lead a normal life and get a driver's license and a high school diploma- and the removal might just do the trick.
We'll keep you posted, but for now, the diversion I needed was to be able to write again, it is such good therapy. And to the one person who might actually read after it has been so long since I posted, I thank you.
A lot has happened, and I'll integrate some Jake stories for my old friends, just haven't gotten to that yet.
Last August, when Jake started high school, things were going pretty well. About a month into the school year he had a seizure in gym class and knocked himself in the head with a barbell. ER visit followed and it was the beginning of what has been a lengthy process. His seizures are not in good control- by a long shot. They come unbidden and without regard to triggers- unless you consider air and water as triggers.
So 12 months later, we are discussing a partial frontal lobectomy: taking a part of the frontal lobe out which is causing the seizures.
On one level, this scares the peanuts out of me. But on the other hand, it could be the answer.
Jake has prayed constantly for God to take this burden from him- to let him lead a normal life and get a driver's license and a high school diploma- and the removal might just do the trick.
We'll keep you posted, but for now, the diversion I needed was to be able to write again, it is such good therapy. And to the one person who might actually read after it has been so long since I posted, I thank you.
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Back in the Saddle Again
It has been a very long time since I posted anything - and oddly enough, I am still posting from Georgia. I thought for sure that something would open up with my company in New Mexico and that I was headed there before summer started - and as it turns out, the economy prevented that. The company is doing extraordinarily well - but being fiscally responsible, they didn't add a lot of new external postitions.
The housing market still hasn't recovered and there is no way I am losing money on this house if I can at all prevent it. So much has changed since last winter - the house is different now. I am single again and the saga of our struggle to convert a good friendship into a marriage has finally ended. It is bittersweet and yet full of the hope and promise of a new path.
My sons have grown physically into me - towering over me at 6 foot something. I still can't get used to the idea that the bitty kids I carried on my hips are now so very tall. My daughter has grown into a woman- with a life and dreams and loves of her own.
I read The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch- if you haven't read it, you should take the time. Totally worthwhile. It asks you to reflect on what you wanted to be when you were little. I wanted to be a Maryknoll missionary. One of those nuns who lived out in the bush and cared for people without health care. I wonder now if that will ever be a part of my story- the nun part is doubtful. As my kids get older and I am nearing that second half of my life, the idea is tantalizing. Maybe all of my character flaws: you know the inability to match, not being high maintenance, love of dirt, and herbs and all growing things - well maybe those are weird in this scenario but would be perfect for living in the bush. Ha! We'll see what happens.
In the meantime, my soul has genuinely missed you all.
Ahhhh, now what to write about....
The housing market still hasn't recovered and there is no way I am losing money on this house if I can at all prevent it. So much has changed since last winter - the house is different now. I am single again and the saga of our struggle to convert a good friendship into a marriage has finally ended. It is bittersweet and yet full of the hope and promise of a new path.
My sons have grown physically into me - towering over me at 6 foot something. I still can't get used to the idea that the bitty kids I carried on my hips are now so very tall. My daughter has grown into a woman- with a life and dreams and loves of her own.
I read The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch- if you haven't read it, you should take the time. Totally worthwhile. It asks you to reflect on what you wanted to be when you were little. I wanted to be a Maryknoll missionary. One of those nuns who lived out in the bush and cared for people without health care. I wonder now if that will ever be a part of my story- the nun part is doubtful. As my kids get older and I am nearing that second half of my life, the idea is tantalizing. Maybe all of my character flaws: you know the inability to match, not being high maintenance, love of dirt, and herbs and all growing things - well maybe those are weird in this scenario but would be perfect for living in the bush. Ha! We'll see what happens.
In the meantime, my soul has genuinely missed you all.
Ahhhh, now what to write about....
Monday, November 03, 2008
Home...
The agreement was that we would stay in Georgia until my middle son graduated from high school. I was okay with that - after all, any mother would do what was best for her kids and I have certainly given mine quite the adventure with this gypsy soul I possess. Wanderlust my grandmother called it - a trait evident in my grandfather - well both of them actually - and in my father.
So the parameters of the deal have changed. At the beginning of October, Josh quit school. Deciding without parental counsel to take his GED and start college early.
The whole future I had planned in my head has now shifted forward by about 2 years - and I just couldn't be happier about it. A new start for Justin and a happier place for Jake. Don't get me wrong, I have met some really fantastic people here in Georgia, but it is not home for me. 4 years later I still feel like a stranger even in my own parish.
So I have asked for signs - a postcard would be nice - and a clear path career wise to where I should go.
But to borrow the language of my dear friend: when you need to think and clear your head you go out west, when you are feeling troubled you come out to New Mexico and you can breathe. Why do you think that home is anywhere but here?
So another adventure is about to begin. There is a lot of work to be done to make our home look ready to sell - but overall, it is a good problem to have. So as you read this, say a little prayer - for guidance - for a beacon - for illumination to find home.
So the parameters of the deal have changed. At the beginning of October, Josh quit school. Deciding without parental counsel to take his GED and start college early.
The whole future I had planned in my head has now shifted forward by about 2 years - and I just couldn't be happier about it. A new start for Justin and a happier place for Jake. Don't get me wrong, I have met some really fantastic people here in Georgia, but it is not home for me. 4 years later I still feel like a stranger even in my own parish.
So I have asked for signs - a postcard would be nice - and a clear path career wise to where I should go.
But to borrow the language of my dear friend: when you need to think and clear your head you go out west, when you are feeling troubled you come out to New Mexico and you can breathe. Why do you think that home is anywhere but here?
So another adventure is about to begin. There is a lot of work to be done to make our home look ready to sell - but overall, it is a good problem to have. So as you read this, say a little prayer - for guidance - for a beacon - for illumination to find home.
USA TODAY Artificial Pancreas Story - HOPE
The following article appears on the USA TODAY website at the following link - click it if you'd like to see how an artificial pancreas will work - at least the Medtronic vision of one. This should clarify why I want to stay with the company. Can you imagine being the person who helps bring this to people who have been waiting for it for so long! I can hardly wait.
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-11-02-artificial-pancreas_N.htm
By Mary Brophy Marcus, USA TODAY
Ed Damiano wakes up three times a night to check on his son David. He just wants to make sure his 9-year-old's blood sugar levels are OK. David has type 1 diabetes and, like a lot of children with the condition, his blood sugar can dip dangerously low some nights and spike on others.
Damiano quietly checks David's blood sugar using a glucose monitor as he sleeps. With help from the school nurse, he and his wife do the same by day, when David's blood sugar can spike after eating.
But it may not always have to be like this, says Damiano, associate professor of biomedical engineering at Boston University. He and more than a dozen other scientists nationwide are developing artificial-pancreas technology that will reduce or do away with nighttime and daytime checks for parents and help adults and children with type 1 diabetes better control the disease. But it may be years before it's available.
In type 1 diabetes, the body produces little or no insulin, a hormone needed to convert sugar (glucose), starches and other food into energy. Patients must take insulin when they eat to fend off a glucose overload. They also experience abnormal swings between high blood sugar (hyperglycemia) and low blood sugar (hypoglycemia), says Bruce Buckingham, professor of pediatric endocrinology at Stanford University. Children's fluctuating hormones and activity levels also can influence blood sugar. Eating well and getting the right amount of insulin to keep blood sugar close to normal is a fine art, he says.
The artificial pancreas, which would be worn externally and supplied with insulin, would reduce those highs and lows, Damiano says. "We call it a closed-loop system. It's comprised of three parts: a continuous glucose monitor, an insulin pump and a computer chip that allows the two devices to 'talk' to each other and calculate how much insulin a patient needs at any given time."
The first two elements — the hardware — already are being used by people with diabetes, says Steve Sabicer of Medtronic Diabetes, a California-based company that makes continuous glucose monitors and insulin pumps. What is new is the software, or a computer chip, that would allow the two devices to work together automatically. Versions of Medtronic's hardware and similar ones by other companies, including Abbott Laboratories and Johnson & Johnson, also are being tested, researchers say.
Damiano's lab is among those working on prototypes of the unifying computer software.
"With all three components, a user would not have to worry about dialing in the correct amount of insulin. The technology would do it," he says.
One out of every 300 children have type 1 diabetes. It accounts for up to 10% of U.S. diabetes cases, says the American Diabetes Association.
Experts say the technology will revolutionize treatment of type 1 diabetes and may help people with advanced type 2.
"Not to be too grandiose about it, but the artificial pancreas will dramatically transform diabetes care for people with type 1 who really depend on a very burdensome regimen to stay in good control," says Stuart Weinzimer of Yale University School of Medicine.
But closed-loop technology is five to 10 years off, estimates Buckingham. "The (software) needs to be perfected and it will need to be tested outside the lab in real-world settings for efficacy and safety."
Damiano says it can't come soon enough for David, who has had diabetes since he was 11 months old: "I hope it will be ready by the time my son goes off to college."
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-11-02-artificial-pancreas_N.htm
By Mary Brophy Marcus, USA TODAY
Ed Damiano wakes up three times a night to check on his son David. He just wants to make sure his 9-year-old's blood sugar levels are OK. David has type 1 diabetes and, like a lot of children with the condition, his blood sugar can dip dangerously low some nights and spike on others.
Damiano quietly checks David's blood sugar using a glucose monitor as he sleeps. With help from the school nurse, he and his wife do the same by day, when David's blood sugar can spike after eating.
But it may not always have to be like this, says Damiano, associate professor of biomedical engineering at Boston University. He and more than a dozen other scientists nationwide are developing artificial-pancreas technology that will reduce or do away with nighttime and daytime checks for parents and help adults and children with type 1 diabetes better control the disease. But it may be years before it's available.
In type 1 diabetes, the body produces little or no insulin, a hormone needed to convert sugar (glucose), starches and other food into energy. Patients must take insulin when they eat to fend off a glucose overload. They also experience abnormal swings between high blood sugar (hyperglycemia) and low blood sugar (hypoglycemia), says Bruce Buckingham, professor of pediatric endocrinology at Stanford University. Children's fluctuating hormones and activity levels also can influence blood sugar. Eating well and getting the right amount of insulin to keep blood sugar close to normal is a fine art, he says.
The artificial pancreas, which would be worn externally and supplied with insulin, would reduce those highs and lows, Damiano says. "We call it a closed-loop system. It's comprised of three parts: a continuous glucose monitor, an insulin pump and a computer chip that allows the two devices to 'talk' to each other and calculate how much insulin a patient needs at any given time."
The first two elements — the hardware — already are being used by people with diabetes, says Steve Sabicer of Medtronic Diabetes, a California-based company that makes continuous glucose monitors and insulin pumps. What is new is the software, or a computer chip, that would allow the two devices to work together automatically. Versions of Medtronic's hardware and similar ones by other companies, including Abbott Laboratories and Johnson & Johnson, also are being tested, researchers say.
Damiano's lab is among those working on prototypes of the unifying computer software.
"With all three components, a user would not have to worry about dialing in the correct amount of insulin. The technology would do it," he says.
One out of every 300 children have type 1 diabetes. It accounts for up to 10% of U.S. diabetes cases, says the American Diabetes Association.
Experts say the technology will revolutionize treatment of type 1 diabetes and may help people with advanced type 2.
"Not to be too grandiose about it, but the artificial pancreas will dramatically transform diabetes care for people with type 1 who really depend on a very burdensome regimen to stay in good control," says Stuart Weinzimer of Yale University School of Medicine.
But closed-loop technology is five to 10 years off, estimates Buckingham. "The (software) needs to be perfected and it will need to be tested outside the lab in real-world settings for efficacy and safety."
Damiano says it can't come soon enough for David, who has had diabetes since he was 11 months old: "I hope it will be ready by the time my son goes off to college."
Saturday, October 18, 2008
The Love Dare
This isn't for sissies - or for people who want to do something easy to fix the mess their marriage has become. It is for people who want one more chance - who believe in love - who believe that there is no gain in life without pain preceding it. We are so quick to walk out and look for the bigger better deal. Perhaps it is as Reverand Graham says: God is trying to teach you something about your life and your character through your marriage.
Three weeks ago we finally got some insight into what was going on in our household and found that it was not anything that some medication wouldn't help. So the medication started. And there was hope again.
Then there was what looked like secrecy - thus the post below. Big walls I have built- and scaling them will not be easy. Remember the fortress around your heart song - Sting sang it back when I was still young and thin. Seems like that is where we are right now.
The day I wrote that I prayed for peace. Lord when will there be peace in my life...
And I heard one of the producers of the Fireproof movie talk about how it was working miracles in people's lives. I made the choice to get the Love Dare book. The first bookstore didn't have it. I had the choice to skip it and just go home. But I didn't, I stopped at a second store and they had dozens of copies. I got one for me and one for Justin. Forty days of lessons - forty days of opportunity to make it work. And for a moment I debated whether it was worth the $14 for the books. I bought them and prayed that I would be much stronger than I think I am - at least strong enough to see how much of my own crap (and don't we all have our own crap) was getting in the way of making peace in the house. Not a task for sissies. On the way out of the store there were two rainbows to the east, which seemed to follow me all the way home. I believe it was a confirmation that I was doing the right thing - maybe it was just a coincidence, but I don't believe in coincidence - I believe in a God who likes to let me know when I am headed the right way.
We started the book - and I was still hesitant. Anyone who has been reading has seen the great descent of the past three years. It has not been pretty. But we know that there are three things that last - faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love. See, to me faith has never been a cafeteria-style thing - either you believe in Him and what he says to be true - the miracle of forgiveness - the miracle of a loving God who knows who I really am and STILL loves me- the blessing of redemption - or you don't. If I believe all of those things are true for me- and my life has certainly borne them out - then they are true for all the people God loves - even if I am miffed at them.
So a week into the book, my heart is changing - I am feeling more hopeful. There is the outside possibility that I may even be able to let my guard down enough to be in love again - still working on that one. At the very least I will feel like I have given everything I have to salvage my marriage and keep the promise I made - and we could go in peace. At best we could have what the counselor suggested - a new marriage with the same two people - and best of all - PEACE.
Three weeks ago we finally got some insight into what was going on in our household and found that it was not anything that some medication wouldn't help. So the medication started. And there was hope again.
Then there was what looked like secrecy - thus the post below. Big walls I have built- and scaling them will not be easy. Remember the fortress around your heart song - Sting sang it back when I was still young and thin. Seems like that is where we are right now.
The day I wrote that I prayed for peace. Lord when will there be peace in my life...
And I heard one of the producers of the Fireproof movie talk about how it was working miracles in people's lives. I made the choice to get the Love Dare book. The first bookstore didn't have it. I had the choice to skip it and just go home. But I didn't, I stopped at a second store and they had dozens of copies. I got one for me and one for Justin. Forty days of lessons - forty days of opportunity to make it work. And for a moment I debated whether it was worth the $14 for the books. I bought them and prayed that I would be much stronger than I think I am - at least strong enough to see how much of my own crap (and don't we all have our own crap) was getting in the way of making peace in the house. Not a task for sissies. On the way out of the store there were two rainbows to the east, which seemed to follow me all the way home. I believe it was a confirmation that I was doing the right thing - maybe it was just a coincidence, but I don't believe in coincidence - I believe in a God who likes to let me know when I am headed the right way.
We started the book - and I was still hesitant. Anyone who has been reading has seen the great descent of the past three years. It has not been pretty. But we know that there are three things that last - faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love. See, to me faith has never been a cafeteria-style thing - either you believe in Him and what he says to be true - the miracle of forgiveness - the miracle of a loving God who knows who I really am and STILL loves me- the blessing of redemption - or you don't. If I believe all of those things are true for me- and my life has certainly borne them out - then they are true for all the people God loves - even if I am miffed at them.
So a week into the book, my heart is changing - I am feeling more hopeful. There is the outside possibility that I may even be able to let my guard down enough to be in love again - still working on that one. At the very least I will feel like I have given everything I have to salvage my marriage and keep the promise I made - and we could go in peace. At best we could have what the counselor suggested - a new marriage with the same two people - and best of all - PEACE.
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