I have become accustomed over the past month, to listening to my friend, Justin, rant about various topics. This has encouraged me to find a topic of my own - unfortunately something near and dear to my heart: Why don't we have some sort of registry system for people who are verbally and physically abusive? There is a sex offender registry, but unless an abuser rapes someone, he will not be listed on the registry. I can think of four women just off the top of my head who were in relationships with men who either hit them, verbally abused them or scammed them, taking all their money. Why isn't there a website that tracks these predators so that other women will know who they are? Why don't the police have some sort of a list so that when the next victim calls she won't be told it is a civil matter and there is nothing the police can do? Why don't we track these people instead of allowing them to go through numerous victims and devour lives? Why is it that rape is a felony, but destroying someone's life and faith in humanity is just a tragedy? Why isn't there a better safety net?
In my own situation, there was a 10-day no contact order. On day 11, there was no notification that the contact order had ended - I though it was still in effect! Lots of people complain that women tolerate abuse - I underwent photographs and recounting my story repeatedly. I called the police, I filled out a report, my kids who witnessed the abuse went to counseling. And 30 days later, there are still no charges from the prosecutor and he is free to harass me at will. The most common taunt being that the prosecutor doesn't believe me either and that I made the whole thing up. Oh yea, I know lots of women who would smack themselves in the face just to get that red mark. I have to make another trip downtown, away from work, to ask for an additional restraining order. Of course, the fact that the last one was terminated would have been helpful information, BEFORE he started harassing me again. Now he has broken into my house and dismantled my computer, so once again, I have been to the police to file a report. I am tired of having to call the police, I would like something else to be done - some accountability instead of allowing him to continually harass me.
Wonder why women don't report abuse - authorities ignore her and act like it isn't serious! How many times do I have to call the police before there are charges filed and something is done about the abuse? Studies show there is an increased risk of abuse every time there is police involvement - be it revenge or just heightened emotions. There is a serious risk taken every time a woman goes to the police, seeking protection and justice. And yet, thirty days later, I did everything that was asked of me - even read my little victim's rights sheet - and still there are no charges and he walks about free to continue harassing me. I don't want to be the real-life version of the Burning Bed - but there comes a saturation point where you just cannot take any more abuse, and there is no more patience left. Dolores Claiborne had it right - an accident can be the best thing that ever happens to a beaten woman. But so far, no such luck, and I value my life more than I value revenge, so I don't take that path even though it is SOOOO appealing to my primal nature.
Before he decided to protect his assets by divorcing me, Dan already had a girlfriend. A woman he described as "stupid" and the "ugliest woman on the planet". Nice, especially since it wasn't long before he was kissing and telling. I know he has another girlfriend now - a woman who has kids and has no idea what she is up against - how cunning and deceitful he can be in the beginning.The girlfriend is already convinced BY HIM that I am lying about the abuse - and that perhaps I am the one who is hitting him. I know that there were four women before me who were discarded and verbally abused - I have seen the letters they wrote. I even talked to two of them, one at great length and she kept telling me how sorry she was for what I had become trapped in. She knows it wasn't her fault but the destruction has left her still single 12 years later.
I hold no misperception that it is only men who behave badly. I know there are plenty of women who manipulate and break a man's heart and spirit in much the same way. Women tend to go the emotional abuse route, but there are those viscous souls who insist on humiliating others - including their husbands by infidelity and physical violence. There are certainly a bevy of those "black widow" wives whose husbands mysteriously die leaving her with money she didn't earn.
What I really want is a legal way to warn other women, a way to bring justice to someone who was verbally and physically abusive to me and my kids. There is no justice when a woman is patient, goes to counseling with a man who is abusive, trying to live through his depression and poor blood sugar control, tries to be honest and loving, long after those feelings have faded still is subjected to abuse day after day. There should be a way to look up someone's history of domestic violence - and then enable a woman to make up her own mind or do her own research before getting involved. If a person can at least know the facts and know what to expect, then domestic violence could be reduced. Innumerable women have the conversation " Oh he hit you - yea, he hit me too". The fact that we as a society tolerate this is incomprehensible. It needs to stop, we need to take a stand and hold people accountable for their behaviors. I for my part, am raising two sons who understand how women are to be treated - and more importantly, have been taught that every life has value and is worth respect. And the mantra - people are not for hitting...
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