I liked living in Indiana - loved the winters when the ground was covered in snow, even when I had to shovel it, loved going to the zoo with my kids as babies and talking to the bears and the penguins, loved watching the Indians play and the decadence of beer and hot dogs as dinner, loved the buzz of Broad Ripple on a Friday night and the comfort of driving into Logansport crossing the Eel River and feeling like somehow the core of being home was just over that bridge.
I knew good people when I lived there - giving back to the community was a way of life - and I have been blessed by some friends here who have that same attitude. But I have always liked how we take care of each other back home. I have friends who have gone to the same parish since they were kids and don't think twice about getting out their checkbook or opening up their calendar to pitch in. I like that - because that is the way I am too.
I remember when we came here and then when Mom sold the lake house in Buffalo, that I thought there would never be a day that I would go back to Indiana. Shows what I know.
And now I find myself putting together the threads of my old life - old friends contacted through the magic of Facebook make it seem so much closer to my old life than it had ever been before. I realize that I cut those threads, though, all by myself. I have a bit of wanderlust, but that wasn't the whole thing. Once I had kids in my early 20s and all of my schoolmates did not, I felt like a third wheel and just stopped hanging out with the people I can't wait to see now. I cut those ties by not returning calls and not going to events that I know now I should have attended - those ties are important. What do we know when we are that young - not as much as we should!
I am so excited because I have cousins who are just a couple years older than my kids who are having babies themselves - our reunion over Labor Day will be chock full of babies - can hardly wait! I've missed out and I don't want to miss out any more.
Which leads me to the point of all this - the waiting.
There are a number of threads which have not just wound neatly to form the rope to pull me home. A couple of legal entanglements, a house to sell, a transfer to acquire- these seem like such big items. But I realized this weekend that fussing over these is a matter of Faith. If I really believe that God watches over me and that this is His Plan for my life, can I also believe that He would leave me hanging to just trudge through this alone? Um, no. I hate the waiting, but I know that sometimes navigating sticky situations requires a patience that I don't have inherently, so I have to squint my eyes and concentrate on being patient and trudging along. I am determined to keep packing, keep pushing forward, keep listening until it is truly time to go.
And that is where I find myself right now: with a distant view of a new life that will incorporate the most beautiful aspects of my old life. One that will require me to stay the course and keep getting my house ready to sell, my kids ready to be on their own and my heart ready to live with the love of my life. No small tasks - but since God will help me because I am helping myself, I know that it will be okay.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Storm Clouds
Today as I was driving along with Jake in the van, the sun was out and we were remarking that at 108 degrees, it was like a sauna even inside the van.
I have a friend who is saving moving boxes for me, so we stopped to organize the van, then to move the boxes and we were on our way.
About ten minutes toward home, we noticed that there were some low dark clouds coming over the passenger side. The radio was off because we were talking and as we continued we could see the line on the horizon where the rain was obviously pouring down- it looked like there was no where we could turn to avoid it, so we kept going forward and prepared for the storm. I need new tires, so I scooted over into the right lane and slowed down, trying to be cognizant of my limitations. Then we turned on the lights and the fog lights just in case.
First came the wind which seemed to be coming from every direction, and the swirling clouds overhead which were so distracting because I kept waiting for them to turn into a tornado any minute- they were so low it seemed I could touch them through the sunroof.
The temperature dropped 40 degrees and the rain started in fat drops on the windshield. Funny thing about being in a storm - you are so preoccupied with handling the storm and what is immediately in front of you that you can miss out on everything else surrounding you. A big twister could have come through a stand of trees and I would have missed it - because I was busy trying to stay on the road and manage the rain. Lightning was everywhere in blue blazes cutting across the gray sky - visible even through my mottled windshield.
We made it home in one piece - no more worse for wear adn with a great story to tell about how the wind whipped us around and the rain pounded the car.
But the point of this really isn't about the rain- it is about those low dark storm clouds which stirred up fear - to the point that I finally asked Jake to stop talking about them.
That fear and the concentratio on the clouds was distracting - and kept me from focusing my full attention on the road in front of me as I kept trying to steal a glimpse of what he was talking about and plan for a possibility that was improbable.
We had some other storm clouds this morning - of an entirely different nature - and they are threatening to bring twisters and wind which could throw us off coarse.
I learned something today: keep focused on what is most important, keep moving forward, and stop trying to glimpse at something that is a possibility rather than the absolute that is right in front of me. If I keep looking over my shoulder, I will end up missing the hazards in front of me - and I have to pay attention. Just because it is noisy and full of threats, doesn't mean it is really any danger.
I needed that lesson today - Thanks for that.
I have a friend who is saving moving boxes for me, so we stopped to organize the van, then to move the boxes and we were on our way.
About ten minutes toward home, we noticed that there were some low dark clouds coming over the passenger side. The radio was off because we were talking and as we continued we could see the line on the horizon where the rain was obviously pouring down- it looked like there was no where we could turn to avoid it, so we kept going forward and prepared for the storm. I need new tires, so I scooted over into the right lane and slowed down, trying to be cognizant of my limitations. Then we turned on the lights and the fog lights just in case.
First came the wind which seemed to be coming from every direction, and the swirling clouds overhead which were so distracting because I kept waiting for them to turn into a tornado any minute- they were so low it seemed I could touch them through the sunroof.
The temperature dropped 40 degrees and the rain started in fat drops on the windshield. Funny thing about being in a storm - you are so preoccupied with handling the storm and what is immediately in front of you that you can miss out on everything else surrounding you. A big twister could have come through a stand of trees and I would have missed it - because I was busy trying to stay on the road and manage the rain. Lightning was everywhere in blue blazes cutting across the gray sky - visible even through my mottled windshield.
We made it home in one piece - no more worse for wear adn with a great story to tell about how the wind whipped us around and the rain pounded the car.
But the point of this really isn't about the rain- it is about those low dark storm clouds which stirred up fear - to the point that I finally asked Jake to stop talking about them.
That fear and the concentratio on the clouds was distracting - and kept me from focusing my full attention on the road in front of me as I kept trying to steal a glimpse of what he was talking about and plan for a possibility that was improbable.
We had some other storm clouds this morning - of an entirely different nature - and they are threatening to bring twisters and wind which could throw us off coarse.
I learned something today: keep focused on what is most important, keep moving forward, and stop trying to glimpse at something that is a possibility rather than the absolute that is right in front of me. If I keep looking over my shoulder, I will end up missing the hazards in front of me - and I have to pay attention. Just because it is noisy and full of threats, doesn't mean it is really any danger.
I needed that lesson today - Thanks for that.
Monday, July 16, 2012
So lets get on with the Blessings part, shall we?
Nicole, of Nicole and Charlie fame, was here yesterday - she looks great, she sounds great, she has found her purpose and her life by ministering to the very people who are in a spot like the one she found herself in. Forget business school, she is becoming a social worker when she starts classes in the fall. And how cool is it that she is a teacher's assistant in a school system in Albquerque which can really use her compassion. Charlie is thriving - and all in all her story has a happy ending. How incredibly cool is it when God puts us in the right place at the right time and says: hey step up and this will be good? It is way past good -and I feel blessed that we were able to be a part of that story.
Jake had a medication increase - and we are now at 3 weeks of seizure-free-ness. Hoping for a lot more- but thankful for what we have so far. The timing for a move couldn't be better because he is due to see an adult neuro- so we'll find one in Indy. Also in the blessing column, the ability for him to spend time with his other brother and sister who are now old enough to help drive him about. This will be a great opportunity for him to start over - and honestly, that is what a good mother does: give your kid the best shot at a happy life he can have.
My daughter and son are showing what they are really made of - looking at apartment and housing options, working extra hours, helping watch Jake so I can work. It is no surprise, they are of course, Dave Loner's grandkids so what else would we expect, but it is wonderful to see it come to fruition. They are gonna do great and when the apron-strings are cut- look out 'cause they are gonna fly!
Things are really coming together in the house and I should be ready to list it in just a couple more weeks - just in time!
and I humbled to tell you the last blessing- something I had only hoped for in the secret places of my heart - I am in love with a man that I trust to be true to me. And for the first time in forever, I have someone that is willing to dedicate himself to me and to our life - you know what, every evening he takes the time to talk to me and go over a devotional we are using for couples to strengthen their relationships. He is in effect doing the counseling before there is ever a problem, forming a strong foundation and if I knew nothing else about him, I would love him for being dedicated enough to me to share his thoughts and his faith with me. What a blessing it is to have a Godly man. I am truly humbled and still blush when I tell people about him.
Jake had a medication increase - and we are now at 3 weeks of seizure-free-ness. Hoping for a lot more- but thankful for what we have so far. The timing for a move couldn't be better because he is due to see an adult neuro- so we'll find one in Indy. Also in the blessing column, the ability for him to spend time with his other brother and sister who are now old enough to help drive him about. This will be a great opportunity for him to start over - and honestly, that is what a good mother does: give your kid the best shot at a happy life he can have.
My daughter and son are showing what they are really made of - looking at apartment and housing options, working extra hours, helping watch Jake so I can work. It is no surprise, they are of course, Dave Loner's grandkids so what else would we expect, but it is wonderful to see it come to fruition. They are gonna do great and when the apron-strings are cut- look out 'cause they are gonna fly!
Things are really coming together in the house and I should be ready to list it in just a couple more weeks - just in time!
and I humbled to tell you the last blessing- something I had only hoped for in the secret places of my heart - I am in love with a man that I trust to be true to me. And for the first time in forever, I have someone that is willing to dedicate himself to me and to our life - you know what, every evening he takes the time to talk to me and go over a devotional we are using for couples to strengthen their relationships. He is in effect doing the counseling before there is ever a problem, forming a strong foundation and if I knew nothing else about him, I would love him for being dedicated enough to me to share his thoughts and his faith with me. What a blessing it is to have a Godly man. I am truly humbled and still blush when I tell people about him.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
This is what happy looks like
I look like myself
I feel like myself
And finally I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Both of my older kids are moving to their own places when I sell the house. For the first time in 21 years I will be down to just one child in the house and he is pretty self-sufficient.
I love being a mother- it is a huge part of my identity, but I am ready for some freedom and more ready to stop cleaning up after other people.
Don't get me wrong, they are great about helping out, but the baseline household responsibility is mine- if I don't ask, it doesn't get done and ghosts fill up the sink and use the last bit of cheese.
LOOK OUT LIFE- I'm coming at you with guns blazing and it is gonna be fun!!
The Size of yourWorry reflects the Size of your Faith
Funny thing is that I don't hesitate for a minute in believing that miracles happen to people all the time - a lady just this week, was hit by lightening moments after telling her grandsons to run inside. Not only did she survive, but her injuries were minimal and she has told the story repeatedly to spread the news of her miracle.
We have experienced miracle after miracle as Jake has had seizures in places that should have resulted in serious bodily injury ( hot stoves, glass counters, sharp knives, firepits) and each time, he has minor injuries and a great story.
It was nothing short of a miracle that we escaped unscathed from an abuser who wanted to bury us in the backyard 8 years ago.
On Sunday, I was overwhelmed with the notion that if I am genuinely worried about finding a job when I get to Indy, I need only ask for a miracle. I don't ask - actually I don't think I have ever asked for something for myself except for a miracle to heal Jake's epilepsy.
So I did.
I asked to stay with my current employer and asked that if that wasn't His will for me, that He be very clear in telling me where He wants me.
What followed was remarkable.
I feel at peace, I know things will work out - and not in that superficial bullshit way that we "know things" so that we won't drive ourselves crazy- but that deep knowing that wherever I am intended to be, I will be.
Now I am ready for Nicole to come this weekend and move her things and the staging has begun so that I'll have an apartment-worth of furniture for both my older kids to start their new lives. This is SO EXCITING!!!!
We have experienced miracle after miracle as Jake has had seizures in places that should have resulted in serious bodily injury ( hot stoves, glass counters, sharp knives, firepits) and each time, he has minor injuries and a great story.
It was nothing short of a miracle that we escaped unscathed from an abuser who wanted to bury us in the backyard 8 years ago.
On Sunday, I was overwhelmed with the notion that if I am genuinely worried about finding a job when I get to Indy, I need only ask for a miracle. I don't ask - actually I don't think I have ever asked for something for myself except for a miracle to heal Jake's epilepsy.
So I did.
I asked to stay with my current employer and asked that if that wasn't His will for me, that He be very clear in telling me where He wants me.
What followed was remarkable.
I feel at peace, I know things will work out - and not in that superficial bullshit way that we "know things" so that we won't drive ourselves crazy- but that deep knowing that wherever I am intended to be, I will be.
Now I am ready for Nicole to come this weekend and move her things and the staging has begun so that I'll have an apartment-worth of furniture for both my older kids to start their new lives. This is SO EXCITING!!!!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Something to Talk About
Well, it is official, I am moving back to Indianapolis. There, I said it outloud.
Now comes the fun part. Packing and sorting and most difficult is being patient while everything falls into place.
Much like our move here, I have placed my life in the Hands of God which thusfar, has always worked out so much better than anything I could have planned out myself.
It took a while, but once I finally submitted and just became thankful for that which He has given me, a sense of utter calm has pervaded over the past few days, thus necessitating a post and public acknowledgement.
Already, people I've known since I moved here almost 8 years ago have a lot to say about this particular move back. My two older kids are probably staying in Atlanta - they are grown and can certainly take care of themselves, so that works for me. You cannot abandon adults who were invited to go with you and declined. My youngest is still under 18 and will go with me - so my actual child is not being abandoned.
But it is the other part that will make tongues wag.
They will say that we moved too quickly
That we couldn't possibly know this soon
That we were rash
They will say that we had a whirlwind romance
That we seem to be in our own little world
That we were made for each other
That we feed off each other's energy
That we are happy as clams
Then they will say that we worked hard and loved each other in a way worthy of a love story - that we wrote our own love story, co-authored by God.
They will say that this is what love looks like.
I adore love stories
and before this I thought those stories of love where people just knew were utter hogwash.
I have seen glimpses of it - my friend Spencer, when he found his wife - there was this magic. And my friend Jeanna- when I saw her with her husband there was this energy that defied explaination - definitely the real thing. But those are glimpses, they don't show up all the time, so it hardly seemed real.
But I did just know....and more important than that, he just knew too.
For the first time ever - I didn't have to convince someone that I was worthy of loving only to lose them later on when I had moments that I was unloveable. It was like that moment when Mr Darcy comes back to say that he loved her, when Jamie carved his initial and Claire's in their palms, when Frankenstein fell in love with his bride. He knew me and loved me long before I ever kissed him- and now, having my last first kiss, I understand all the things I went through over these long days was to get me ready to be a good partner to a man who loves me back.
and my only regret is that I didn't find you sooner.
Now comes the fun part. Packing and sorting and most difficult is being patient while everything falls into place.
Much like our move here, I have placed my life in the Hands of God which thusfar, has always worked out so much better than anything I could have planned out myself.
It took a while, but once I finally submitted and just became thankful for that which He has given me, a sense of utter calm has pervaded over the past few days, thus necessitating a post and public acknowledgement.
Already, people I've known since I moved here almost 8 years ago have a lot to say about this particular move back. My two older kids are probably staying in Atlanta - they are grown and can certainly take care of themselves, so that works for me. You cannot abandon adults who were invited to go with you and declined. My youngest is still under 18 and will go with me - so my actual child is not being abandoned.
But it is the other part that will make tongues wag.
They will say that we moved too quickly
That we couldn't possibly know this soon
That we were rash
They will say that we had a whirlwind romance
That we seem to be in our own little world
That we were made for each other
That we feed off each other's energy
That we are happy as clams
Then they will say that we worked hard and loved each other in a way worthy of a love story - that we wrote our own love story, co-authored by God.
They will say that this is what love looks like.
I adore love stories
and before this I thought those stories of love where people just knew were utter hogwash.
I have seen glimpses of it - my friend Spencer, when he found his wife - there was this magic. And my friend Jeanna- when I saw her with her husband there was this energy that defied explaination - definitely the real thing. But those are glimpses, they don't show up all the time, so it hardly seemed real.
But I did just know....and more important than that, he just knew too.
For the first time ever - I didn't have to convince someone that I was worthy of loving only to lose them later on when I had moments that I was unloveable. It was like that moment when Mr Darcy comes back to say that he loved her, when Jamie carved his initial and Claire's in their palms, when Frankenstein fell in love with his bride. He knew me and loved me long before I ever kissed him- and now, having my last first kiss, I understand all the things I went through over these long days was to get me ready to be a good partner to a man who loves me back.
and my only regret is that I didn't find you sooner.
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