Beauty Before Me

This morning the air was crisp, but at 45degrees, it was hardly freezing. I drove my daughter and her friend around at the crack of dawn after a very refreshing early night last night.
Nothing says rednecks like a pair of Amazon women walking into WalMart at 8am - one in pink polkadot fleece pajamas and the other in army green pants and a flannel shirt. Classy pair, my daughter and I, especially uncaffienated.

Here is something that perplexes me: why would someone say that they "have other plans" and then call to see what you are doing at 1130PM, surprised that you don't answer. I'm not doing anything except that pile of home tasks that I have put aside because I have been spending LOTS of free time with you....and I took the whole " I have other plans" completely the wrong way- assuming that you had plans with someone else that you couldn't tell me about. Yeesh- the ongoing payment for former lovers' bad behavior. Sometimes I wonder why there isn't a way to go in and undo all that faulty wiring. That would be a way to make my millions, right? Figuring out a way to undo all the damage that former lovers do to the psyche.

I really care about this man- and though we have not clearly established what kind of friends we are going to be long-term, it is clear that we are going to be friends for a very long time. All this made me wonder this morning: who do I really want to be in a partnership?

Well, I dont' want to be the victim in need of rescue- always having someone prove their trustworthiness - always looking to see what was done for me lately to appraise the worthiness of my suitor. I've seen this in action- it isn't pretty- and being on the verge of walking away all the time is just exhausting.

I don't want to be blinded by love, unable to see my love clearly, unable to tell if there is a movement from what is healthy and good into what is pathological and hurtful to us both. I would like to be blind to physical imperfections - but otherwise, I need to be able to see.

I don't want to be jaded and believe that I cannot give my heart away because it will only get broken again. I want to be someone who still believes in love- that is for darn sure.

I've been working on being who it is I really want to be as a partner for about 6 months now- trying to be honest with myself in my own shortcomings and catching myself in those self-defeating behaviors which haven't done anything to help me thus far.

I do want to be loving and kind and trustworthy and fun and most importantly: alive.

There is pumpkin and sausage soup on the stove - from a pumpkin I bought back in October who has graced my counter for over two months. The soup is warm and smells of sage and nutmeg- lovely for a day where big fluffy snowflakes drift lazily from the sky- like bluehaired ladies floating down the Lazy River, watching life pass along beside them.

The house is clean - a result of having nothing to do last night- and the need to quiet my mind. Sure sign that I have a lot on my mind: The house is clean.

There is beauty in having food on the stove, clean clothes in the closet, clean floors and bathrooms, and being caught up on my work for the weekend. There is beauty in the simplicity of a wood fire on a snowy night. There is beauty in the laughter of my boys playing in the front room and my daughter wrapping presents to go under the tree with her boyfriend.

In the peace that is my house, there is beauty in the normal comings and goings of everyday people making a life for themselves.

And in appreciating this beauty I allow myself to be happy.