Edited version of this post - thanks to my anonymous friend. If you can't get honesty from your family - who can you count on.
I am thinking of putting myself in time out again. I feel stressed - and I have forgotten that I am not the Manager of the Universe - sometimes I forget that and it sneaks back into my thinking as though it is not a grandiose belief. When you are the manager of the Universe, you create a living hell- and it isn't fun. IN an effort to control everything - ironically control is lost.
I am tired of feeling like every time I talk to people in my family I am bitching about something. Truthfully, I feel like that because it is a fact. In my state of stress, I have reverted to a person I dislike very much- who without warning - might just tell you everything on her mind. It isn't pretty. And it isn't the person I truly want to be.
I dislike conflict - and avoid it at all cost. So in my effort to avoid conflict, I have created a virtual time bomb within myself. I used to choose my battles - now I am fighting about everything.
I ignore things, but keep an internal tally of what went wrong. What an incredibly shitty thing to do. In my wallowing in self pity about finances ( I know, I can scarcely believe I am upset about money - its money, we'll make more) and the lack of focus on my personal needs, has come the inability to focus on what is important - the fact that I have parents who are fun to be with, a brother who is struggling - but there for me, good friends, three great kids and a husband who loves me - even when that is difficult.
2 comments:
Hmm...well, you can't really fix everyone else...or manage their lives now can you. I mean, what a silly thing to try to do...no wonder you are driving yourself crazy. Yes, there are things you HAVE to manage as the mom...school, home, bills, and driving people where they need to go. However, it is not your responsibility to manage their lives. They all love you , and you know that. Maybe the best thing to do would be to talk to them individually...explain to them that you feel hurt, don't be accusatory, simply let them know how hard this is on you. Chances are that many of teh stressors that you are feeling they are feeling too. You may be in a living hell right now, but maybe you've created it for yourself...maybe you just need to relax and let the small stuff slide...remember that things will get better, and that in general you have a lot to be thankful for. You have three kids that love you. A daughter off to college in the fall. A son who is quickly growing into a man, and a respectable one at that, and a Jacob who is tender and sweet and reminds us to just slow down and smell the roses...(or chop them down with this really sweet sword you just happened to find in the basement)...Slow down...breathe...and remember that these are the people who have been, and will be there for you until the day you die...do you really want to hurt them??
I've come back after reading the earlier version and not knowing what to say. I wish I was smarter sometimes (okay, often), but I often stare at blogs stupidly and decide to move along because I can't think of what to say. Anyway, all I can think to contribute (the previous comment by anon was quite wonderful and is hard to add to) is to wonder if you have become overly busy? I know that I am often breathless just reading about all that you do what with your menagerie and all. It may all be stressful, and I have read that your body can't determine the diference between good and bad stress. Forgetting everybody else's lack of thoughtfulness (which, I'm sure is real and requires addressing), is it possible that you simply have to cut back on your schedule somewhat?
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