Today I married a man that I love and more importantly, a man who loves me back. Before him, you were the only one who ever saw me as I really am- quirky, distracted, up to my armpits in soil and unable to see that the dishes aren't done.
For a long time I have struggled with being able to see men as they really are - because I always saw you in them - even if it was only a trace of something that was like you. I gave them credit without having them earn it. You have left big shoes to fill, good men are few and far between in these days of self-absorption. I only wish that I could have seen more clearly that just because someone has a sense of humor like you do, didn't mean he would be a husband like you are.
You and mom have been a great example to me - self-sacrifice, putting the marriage first in your decisions, loving each other including your faults and asking for God's help in dealing with each crisis as it comes. You have carried the weight of fighting the cancer gracefully, and Mom has been right there finding strength I don't think she even realized that she had. Even through this you are a good example to us.
Then Justin came along, and things are different. I can see some similarities, but more importantly he has demonstrated that he means it when he says he loves us - all of us - warts and all. Just like you.
I gave his a gift this morning, a Lourdes water rosary, just like the one that you have as a little token that he really belongs to us. I cannot remember ever being happier - or ever getting married without some reservations. This seemed as natural as breathing - and that has never honestly been the case before. I don't know that we will be around long enough to celbrate our 45th wedding anniversary - Good Lord willing, maybe - but today I wanted to let you know I miss you adn Mom, wish you could have been here and let you know that we'll have a party to celebrate with you when we have our anniversary next year.
Love you, Daddy
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Friday, April 29, 2005
Message of Hope
Last evening I was in line at WalMart with $200 in groceries - the mixture of normal family groceries and the remaining salad, plates and lemonade for the party. The cart was OVERFLOWING and it was apparent that I was preparing for a crowd. Standing in line behind me was a woman, about my same age who commented about the cart. I told her I was getting married on Saturday and that this was the remainder of the preparation.
She asked where and I told her at our home, that I thought it was appropriate since this wasn't my first trip to the rodeo. I apologized for gushing about the upcoming wedding - but told her that I had never had a man treat me like this - that I had waited almost 39 years for him to come along and that I was just so thankful - that if I could find someone at this phase of my life that it should be hope for all those women in my same boat - overweight and kids in tow. We both laughed about that.
We spent about 10 minutes, totally unaware of anyone else who might have been listening. She, too, was married to an alcoholic - married to a man who called her lovely pet names that don't bear repeating but should have gotten his mouth washed out with soap. We talked about how those scars can run deep and show up at the worst moments - talked about how being heavy was a protection- that many of the creeps who lied and treated us like a piece of ass weren't interested when the ass was larger.
She asked about the wait - without thinking I didn't even count the time with the Ogre - I guess I have continued in my subconscious to count that as time on my own - because I certainly was. My son is 10 and his dad left while I was pregnant - that is a long time. She has been alone for 11 years. We laughed about how being alone was preferable to being married to the wrong man.
She asked about my dress - short or long, white or ivory. I laughed and said that I went with long because I could - but did ivory. No way was I brazen enough to pass off a white dress with my kids in tow!!
By this time the cashier had worked up a sweat, but all of my things were totaled and it was time to leave. I wanted to say something clever or profound, but I am not built like that so I told her what I have said to myself many times - there is hope, there is a future, whether that includes a man or not. Keep the faith that things will work out for good just like God promised.
She asked where and I told her at our home, that I thought it was appropriate since this wasn't my first trip to the rodeo. I apologized for gushing about the upcoming wedding - but told her that I had never had a man treat me like this - that I had waited almost 39 years for him to come along and that I was just so thankful - that if I could find someone at this phase of my life that it should be hope for all those women in my same boat - overweight and kids in tow. We both laughed about that.
We spent about 10 minutes, totally unaware of anyone else who might have been listening. She, too, was married to an alcoholic - married to a man who called her lovely pet names that don't bear repeating but should have gotten his mouth washed out with soap. We talked about how those scars can run deep and show up at the worst moments - talked about how being heavy was a protection- that many of the creeps who lied and treated us like a piece of ass weren't interested when the ass was larger.
She asked about the wait - without thinking I didn't even count the time with the Ogre - I guess I have continued in my subconscious to count that as time on my own - because I certainly was. My son is 10 and his dad left while I was pregnant - that is a long time. She has been alone for 11 years. We laughed about how being alone was preferable to being married to the wrong man.
She asked about my dress - short or long, white or ivory. I laughed and said that I went with long because I could - but did ivory. No way was I brazen enough to pass off a white dress with my kids in tow!!
By this time the cashier had worked up a sweat, but all of my things were totaled and it was time to leave. I wanted to say something clever or profound, but I am not built like that so I told her what I have said to myself many times - there is hope, there is a future, whether that includes a man or not. Keep the faith that things will work out for good just like God promised.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
The Kiss
Truth of the matter is that I am marrying Justin because he kissed me. I know that sounds trite - but I am inherently a romantic and that is the truth.
When we first met, Jacob was holding his hand and walking into an Albq Isotopes game. I knew he was Steph's friend, but had my stories confused with another of her friends who was a cad. I ended up sitting next to Justin after several seat changes, and we spent the rest of the game entrenched in conversation. There were some sparks, but I ignored them because I had my stories confused.
The next day was wedding prep, and we ended up at the same table cutting what seemed like hundreds of pineapples with a woman and her husband. The woman just kept talking on and on about how much she liked her husband's body - odd conversation. That same night we went to the local casino for a bit of gambling and some drinks. I was driving, so the drinks were few. During the course of the evening, Justin put his arm around my waist - no idea where that came from, but he did it and I didn't push him away.
Afterwards I dropped Erin off and then took Justin back to his hotel.
Little aside here - I have this old van, one window is duct taped, it is missing a light, the electic windows don't work, the tires are balding - but this is where the kiss happened - where this whole dream started, so I am keeping the van until it spontaneously combusts.
He was sitting in the back seat, having let Erin take the passenger seat up front. As he started to leave he said that I was funny and that he really didn't know what to make of me. Yea, I have heard that before. He started out the door and I said good night. Suddenly he was back in the van, leaning over the back of my chair and he kissed me.
I am 38 years old, I have been kissed before - but not like this. I lost track of time, my toes went all tingley, I think I forgot to breathe and my head was swimming. He tasted like licorice and tequilla and the salt of working all day long outside. His moustache tickled my lips. It was comfortable and disconcerting all at the same time. He caught me by surprise.
I have no idea how long we were there, in a parking lot - sliding door open and interior light on - like teenagers kissing for the first time - as though he were about to ship off to war. At some point he stopped and I was still dazed. He said something clever like: Honey do you have a map because I am lost in your eyes - something charming and clever like that. And I was hooked.
I asked my friend Lora if she had ever had someone kiss her like that - she said, "Yes, David kissed me like that - that is why I had to marry him"
My conclusion months later is that when you find your match, it is magical and wonderful and you know that suddenly your whole life will be different. I knew in that moment that I had found my other half and that there was no point in resisting.
This weekend I am taking my friend Lora's advice - and I marry the man who kissed me like THAT.
When we first met, Jacob was holding his hand and walking into an Albq Isotopes game. I knew he was Steph's friend, but had my stories confused with another of her friends who was a cad. I ended up sitting next to Justin after several seat changes, and we spent the rest of the game entrenched in conversation. There were some sparks, but I ignored them because I had my stories confused.
The next day was wedding prep, and we ended up at the same table cutting what seemed like hundreds of pineapples with a woman and her husband. The woman just kept talking on and on about how much she liked her husband's body - odd conversation. That same night we went to the local casino for a bit of gambling and some drinks. I was driving, so the drinks were few. During the course of the evening, Justin put his arm around my waist - no idea where that came from, but he did it and I didn't push him away.
Afterwards I dropped Erin off and then took Justin back to his hotel.
Little aside here - I have this old van, one window is duct taped, it is missing a light, the electic windows don't work, the tires are balding - but this is where the kiss happened - where this whole dream started, so I am keeping the van until it spontaneously combusts.
He was sitting in the back seat, having let Erin take the passenger seat up front. As he started to leave he said that I was funny and that he really didn't know what to make of me. Yea, I have heard that before. He started out the door and I said good night. Suddenly he was back in the van, leaning over the back of my chair and he kissed me.
I am 38 years old, I have been kissed before - but not like this. I lost track of time, my toes went all tingley, I think I forgot to breathe and my head was swimming. He tasted like licorice and tequilla and the salt of working all day long outside. His moustache tickled my lips. It was comfortable and disconcerting all at the same time. He caught me by surprise.
I have no idea how long we were there, in a parking lot - sliding door open and interior light on - like teenagers kissing for the first time - as though he were about to ship off to war. At some point he stopped and I was still dazed. He said something clever like: Honey do you have a map because I am lost in your eyes - something charming and clever like that. And I was hooked.
I asked my friend Lora if she had ever had someone kiss her like that - she said, "Yes, David kissed me like that - that is why I had to marry him"
My conclusion months later is that when you find your match, it is magical and wonderful and you know that suddenly your whole life will be different. I knew in that moment that I had found my other half and that there was no point in resisting.
This weekend I am taking my friend Lora's advice - and I marry the man who kissed me like THAT.
Monday, April 25, 2005
Catching Up
Realized that I haven't posted since things went awry last week. Feeling better now that the weekend has past and the house is as clean as it is going to get. I think with the issues I am having myself - getting too old to be a new mother again, while always wanting to be a new mother again - that the sorrow over the loss for Karla and Mark's baby Ava troubled me more than I thought. Over the weekend I concluded that all I could really do was offer a prayer for them everytime I thought about them and trust God to do what He has always done - hold me when I cannot stand up anymore.
Wedding preparations are done - well done until I get more cashflow to buy the last remaining things. The food is mostly ready, the yard is mostly done, I have no plan for where of how to set up the chairs, but I am sure something will come to me before Saturday morning. The groom is ready, the preacher is ready and I am ready - everything else is just gravy.
Justin and I went to get our marriage license this morning and it is sinking in that I am going to get to spend the rest of our lives together. I know it is a cliche', but I just couldn't be happier.
I remember last year when Steph got married I asked her if she had pre-wedding jitters or cold feet. She didn't and I genuinely couldn't understand her lack of fear about committing to Mark. Now, I understand. I am not afraid, only anxiously awaiting the time that the party will be over and our new lives together can really begin. I hate to keep saying that I never had this happen before - but I never have- there have always been concerns and reservations, even though I firmly believed - and still do - that those marriages were a part of God's plan for me. It has been a bumpy road which has thankfully produced three wonderful children and acquired four ducks, four dogs, two frogs, a rapidly increasing tank of fish and a couple of parakeets.
Saturday a new chapter begins - Stace the contented wife - mother of three beautiful, charming, strong-willed, and noisy children, keeper of the yard and the zillions of creatures therein.
Wedding preparations are done - well done until I get more cashflow to buy the last remaining things. The food is mostly ready, the yard is mostly done, I have no plan for where of how to set up the chairs, but I am sure something will come to me before Saturday morning. The groom is ready, the preacher is ready and I am ready - everything else is just gravy.
Justin and I went to get our marriage license this morning and it is sinking in that I am going to get to spend the rest of our lives together. I know it is a cliche', but I just couldn't be happier.
I remember last year when Steph got married I asked her if she had pre-wedding jitters or cold feet. She didn't and I genuinely couldn't understand her lack of fear about committing to Mark. Now, I understand. I am not afraid, only anxiously awaiting the time that the party will be over and our new lives together can really begin. I hate to keep saying that I never had this happen before - but I never have- there have always been concerns and reservations, even though I firmly believed - and still do - that those marriages were a part of God's plan for me. It has been a bumpy road which has thankfully produced three wonderful children and acquired four ducks, four dogs, two frogs, a rapidly increasing tank of fish and a couple of parakeets.
Saturday a new chapter begins - Stace the contented wife - mother of three beautiful, charming, strong-willed, and noisy children, keeper of the yard and the zillions of creatures therein.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Pope Benedict XVI
Withe the humbel words of acceptance, Cardinal Ratzinger accepted a very public adn yet very person role as the leader of teh Catholic Church. The decision to elect him was made by cardinals, who for the most part, were made cardinals by Pope John Paul II. Pope John Paul knew these men adn thought highly enough of htem to give them "rank" and authority as cardinals. And yet, once again the press and those Cafeteria Catholics want to condemn the choice before Pope Benedict is even in office a week.
First, this is supposed to be a choice made with the guidance of the Holy Spirit - those of us praying for the selection of the Pople prayed that the Cardinals would follow teh Will of GOd, make the best choice, follow His design for His Church. Frankly it is upsetting that people who don't belong to the Church feel so free to criticize something they don't fully understand.
Second, I have read criticizms from American Catholics that Pope Benedict has a history of being an incredible theologian, but does not focus as much attention on caring for the sick and feeding the poor. This misses the point. People who are "fed" in a Church, who understand the magnitude of the Mysteries of the Cross, people who have Christ as their Savior, will take care of the poor - will care for the sick. Christianity requires that we care for those in need. What is being missed is that when there is conflict, when people don't feel like they are fed, when doctrines are muddled and people feel distant, they are not beign fed.
Justin found this
First, this is supposed to be a choice made with the guidance of the Holy Spirit - those of us praying for the selection of the Pople prayed that the Cardinals would follow teh Will of GOd, make the best choice, follow His design for His Church. Frankly it is upsetting that people who don't belong to the Church feel so free to criticize something they don't fully understand.
Second, I have read criticizms from American Catholics that Pope Benedict has a history of being an incredible theologian, but does not focus as much attention on caring for the sick and feeding the poor. This misses the point. People who are "fed" in a Church, who understand the magnitude of the Mysteries of the Cross, people who have Christ as their Savior, will take care of the poor - will care for the sick. Christianity requires that we care for those in need. What is being missed is that when there is conflict, when people don't feel like they are fed, when doctrines are muddled and people feel distant, they are not beign fed.
Justin found this
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
On Becoming a Wife
It is astounding to me the many contrasts in my upcoming wedding. One would think that after being, well, attacked, the last time I was married, that I would be having pre-wedding jitters. I found this story today about a man who was attacked by a shark and got right back in the water.Perhaps we have the same spirit - or the same foundational belief that if you are thrown from a horse you get right back on.
The most dramatic contrast is that my fiance' is actually excited about being married to me. How odd when I look back and realize that even though I have committed to " for better or for worse" - there has never been the exuberant joy that Justin seems to have emanating from his every pore. He gets this dreamy look and then says "you are going to be my wife" - and he is happy about that. I guess it is only fair to note that I have a high level of prenuptial joy of my own, and this odd internal sense of peace that I have never had before.
Friday night I brought home his ring - in trying to see if I liked it, I wore for a couple of hours myself - and managed to nick the finish on the car door. Justin tried it on and kept it on - wore it for hours and was excited about wearing the ring. How fantastic is that - he wants to wear the ring - he wants to be mine - not out of chivalry or obligation or necessity, but just because he wants to. I get to promise the rest of my days to someone who already wants to be there for the rest of my days - and he is going to promise his future to me as well. Absolutely amazing.
I have always believed it was nothing short of a miracle when two people who are designed for one another find each other and have the sense to hang on. I have watched my parents through forty plus years of marriage and always thought there was some secret to their success - and at last I have found it - my other half who is happy just to be here. If you are blessed enough to have your other half - make sure to tell him/her how very lucky you are to have them - if you are still waiting, take the advice of a thrice divorced woman - WAIT PATIENTLY, and don't settle - it is worth every second when the right one finally arrives.
The most dramatic contrast is that my fiance' is actually excited about being married to me. How odd when I look back and realize that even though I have committed to " for better or for worse" - there has never been the exuberant joy that Justin seems to have emanating from his every pore. He gets this dreamy look and then says "you are going to be my wife" - and he is happy about that. I guess it is only fair to note that I have a high level of prenuptial joy of my own, and this odd internal sense of peace that I have never had before.
Friday night I brought home his ring - in trying to see if I liked it, I wore for a couple of hours myself - and managed to nick the finish on the car door. Justin tried it on and kept it on - wore it for hours and was excited about wearing the ring. How fantastic is that - he wants to wear the ring - he wants to be mine - not out of chivalry or obligation or necessity, but just because he wants to. I get to promise the rest of my days to someone who already wants to be there for the rest of my days - and he is going to promise his future to me as well. Absolutely amazing.
I have always believed it was nothing short of a miracle when two people who are designed for one another find each other and have the sense to hang on. I have watched my parents through forty plus years of marriage and always thought there was some secret to their success - and at last I have found it - my other half who is happy just to be here. If you are blessed enough to have your other half - make sure to tell him/her how very lucky you are to have them - if you are still waiting, take the advice of a thrice divorced woman - WAIT PATIENTLY, and don't settle - it is worth every second when the right one finally arrives.
Monday, April 18, 2005
When all else fails, garden
By Friday of last week, I was at my wit's end - even reading my post again this morning I can feel the adrenaline pulsing out of the words. Friday night continued to be a bit tense, but I got a lot of things put away. Box amnesty is over and on Saturday afternoon, we were able to clear out most of the boxes. The house is really coming along well.
I put together a wall-unit that my parents bought in Germany the year before I was born. I have put this thing together so many times that a house doesn't feel like home until it is up and covered in books. It is a lovely piece of German engineering with drawers and shelves and cases - and even though this last trip required a bit of wood glue to put her together, the bedroom now feels like it is really mine with the wall unit up.
Saturday morning came early and I went outside for about an hour before anyone else woke up. Such magnificent therapy. I moved some planters to the back mini-pond, planted a border of blue pansies and then popped all the bulbs I had in the ground. My co-workers threw a bridal shower-party for me and gave me a bag of purple gladiolas - popped those in the ground too along with some irises and two very dark blue delphiniums - my favorites. I re-potted my gardenias and then to my surprise, found a lovely fuschia columbine blooming at the end of the driveway. I plucked her up and planted her by some newly-blooming azaleas just bursting with pink speckled blooms the size of Easter lilies.
Later that morning, we went to meet the preacher. He is an old family friend of Justin's and it turns out he is an organic gardener AND has a box for the local wood ducks to nest. We hit it off right away, and he gave us a chance to talk about how we met - always my favorite story. Then we were off to taste wedding cake. Oddly enough I have never done this before - how much fun is tasting wedding cake?? Wondrous - they have a yellow pudding cake that nearly drips with fat - but what a wonderful thing. We absolutely had to order that cake. Can hardly wait to partake!
After getting home, I went back out to the garden - only for an hour - and lined up the bricks to outline the pecan-tree garden. I found a low-growing gardenia close to blooming - and hopefully it will bloom on time for the wedding. I also bought a shrub - cannot remember the name - but the blossoms smell so incredibly sweet - I'll find it and post it.
Saturday night, Justin brought home a movie and I sat sore but relaxed - and watched finally feeling peaceful.
Sunday we got the grass cut, picked up about two truckloads of sticks and then I started pruning away some of the dead wood and those pesky little trees that have taken over the yard. I have two trees with blossoms just waiting to burst over the next two weeks - not sure what they are either, but I will have to look since they seem to be due to bloom in time for the wedding. Also found some pansies at Wal-Mart, the tag said the color was "sorbet" but the colors looked like raspberry and orange sherbet swirled together. Had to buy them - going back for more tonight. I planted these next to the pecan tree- which is patiently waiting for the wedding so that it can unfold the remainder of it's tiny leaves.
They say that physical activity relieves stress - so when all else fails, dig into the garden. A weekend spent pruning, planting, mowing and lifting has healed whatever was off kilter last week - thank God!
I put together a wall-unit that my parents bought in Germany the year before I was born. I have put this thing together so many times that a house doesn't feel like home until it is up and covered in books. It is a lovely piece of German engineering with drawers and shelves and cases - and even though this last trip required a bit of wood glue to put her together, the bedroom now feels like it is really mine with the wall unit up.
Saturday morning came early and I went outside for about an hour before anyone else woke up. Such magnificent therapy. I moved some planters to the back mini-pond, planted a border of blue pansies and then popped all the bulbs I had in the ground. My co-workers threw a bridal shower-party for me and gave me a bag of purple gladiolas - popped those in the ground too along with some irises and two very dark blue delphiniums - my favorites. I re-potted my gardenias and then to my surprise, found a lovely fuschia columbine blooming at the end of the driveway. I plucked her up and planted her by some newly-blooming azaleas just bursting with pink speckled blooms the size of Easter lilies.
Later that morning, we went to meet the preacher. He is an old family friend of Justin's and it turns out he is an organic gardener AND has a box for the local wood ducks to nest. We hit it off right away, and he gave us a chance to talk about how we met - always my favorite story. Then we were off to taste wedding cake. Oddly enough I have never done this before - how much fun is tasting wedding cake?? Wondrous - they have a yellow pudding cake that nearly drips with fat - but what a wonderful thing. We absolutely had to order that cake. Can hardly wait to partake!
After getting home, I went back out to the garden - only for an hour - and lined up the bricks to outline the pecan-tree garden. I found a low-growing gardenia close to blooming - and hopefully it will bloom on time for the wedding. I also bought a shrub - cannot remember the name - but the blossoms smell so incredibly sweet - I'll find it and post it.
Saturday night, Justin brought home a movie and I sat sore but relaxed - and watched finally feeling peaceful.
Sunday we got the grass cut, picked up about two truckloads of sticks and then I started pruning away some of the dead wood and those pesky little trees that have taken over the yard. I have two trees with blossoms just waiting to burst over the next two weeks - not sure what they are either, but I will have to look since they seem to be due to bloom in time for the wedding. Also found some pansies at Wal-Mart, the tag said the color was "sorbet" but the colors looked like raspberry and orange sherbet swirled together. Had to buy them - going back for more tonight. I planted these next to the pecan tree- which is patiently waiting for the wedding so that it can unfold the remainder of it's tiny leaves.
They say that physical activity relieves stress - so when all else fails, dig into the garden. A weekend spent pruning, planting, mowing and lifting has healed whatever was off kilter last week - thank God!
Extreme Ushering
This weekend we discussed what roles the kids would like to play during the wedding and reception. My 13 year-old decided that he would like to help people to their seats. Here is a description of his version of extreme ushering:
Josh: Welcome to our house, let me show you to the buffet
Guest: Well, thank you young man.
Josh: No problem. (walking toward the back with the guest's arm in his.)
Then as they approach the table, Josh releases the arm and patting the unsuspecting guest firmly on the rear, says : Go get 'em, tiger!
Perhaps it is the rapid induction of testosterone over the last few weeks - I know it is running because the child has suddenly developed a level of hunger I have never seen before and has grown about 4 inches. Josh repeated this scenario, with a few alternative endings until I was doubled over and tears ran down my face in the kitchen.
So glad I let them come down off the roof!! And oh, yea, we gave Josh a different job - apparently can't trust him with ushering!!!
Josh: Welcome to our house, let me show you to the buffet
Guest: Well, thank you young man.
Josh: No problem. (walking toward the back with the guest's arm in his.)
Then as they approach the table, Josh releases the arm and patting the unsuspecting guest firmly on the rear, says : Go get 'em, tiger!
Perhaps it is the rapid induction of testosterone over the last few weeks - I know it is running because the child has suddenly developed a level of hunger I have never seen before and has grown about 4 inches. Josh repeated this scenario, with a few alternative endings until I was doubled over and tears ran down my face in the kitchen.
So glad I let them come down off the roof!! And oh, yea, we gave Josh a different job - apparently can't trust him with ushering!!!
Friday, April 15, 2005
Pain in the Butt
Do you ever have a time where you can tell you are just feeling like being a pain in the butt? I am having one of htose weeks again. Pressure is building at work and I am stretching myself way beyond what I am able to do, then atop that is managing the invitations and RSVPs from friends who want to come to the housewarming party. I am trying to unpack and unload and I am flailing because the kids have a hundred needs on top of the house.
Sometimes I feel like I carry the load alone - and that asking for help means listening to people explain to my why then need to sleep until noon, why they needed to stay up until 1 in the morning, and why they shouldn't have to help because no one else does. What would happen if I just said - to hell with it all - and made the rest of the group pitch in. I am seriously thinking of trying that.
I keep hoping someone will pick up that I am in over my head, but instead, my free time seems to be filling up with tasks for other people. Some of this is residual from single parenting - in choosing my fights I have often decided that it was easier to just do it myself. But now, I am feeling the crunch, I am not getting enough sleep, I am working until I about pass out and the one thing that refills that, downtime with Justin, has fallen by the wayside because he has other priorities this week.
Maybe it is early menopause or hormones or stressing about not being there for my folks or worrying about getting married or some combination of all these things. Maybe I need to add a bit of Prozac
I so desperately want the wedding and the reception to go well - no drunken spouse, no embarrassment about a pregnancy and no arguing about whether we should just go ahead and sleep the first night of hte honeymoon. I want a peaceful wedding with family and friends, a moment ( seven minutes actually) to be alone with my husband, a relaxing party with friends in our backyard and then a honeymoon where sex is included. Don't think this is asking too much - but there seem to be threats to this at every turn. I feel like I am being selfish - but seriously, I never intend to marry again and I want this last opportunity to be the one time things go well.
Yea - definitely need that bit of Prozac - or a bourbon lunch.
Sometimes I feel like I carry the load alone - and that asking for help means listening to people explain to my why then need to sleep until noon, why they needed to stay up until 1 in the morning, and why they shouldn't have to help because no one else does. What would happen if I just said - to hell with it all - and made the rest of the group pitch in. I am seriously thinking of trying that.
I keep hoping someone will pick up that I am in over my head, but instead, my free time seems to be filling up with tasks for other people. Some of this is residual from single parenting - in choosing my fights I have often decided that it was easier to just do it myself. But now, I am feeling the crunch, I am not getting enough sleep, I am working until I about pass out and the one thing that refills that, downtime with Justin, has fallen by the wayside because he has other priorities this week.
Maybe it is early menopause or hormones or stressing about not being there for my folks or worrying about getting married or some combination of all these things. Maybe I need to add a bit of Prozac
I so desperately want the wedding and the reception to go well - no drunken spouse, no embarrassment about a pregnancy and no arguing about whether we should just go ahead and sleep the first night of hte honeymoon. I want a peaceful wedding with family and friends, a moment ( seven minutes actually) to be alone with my husband, a relaxing party with friends in our backyard and then a honeymoon where sex is included. Don't think this is asking too much - but there seem to be threats to this at every turn. I feel like I am being selfish - but seriously, I never intend to marry again and I want this last opportunity to be the one time things go well.
Yea - definitely need that bit of Prozac - or a bourbon lunch.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Chemo 103
I have to admit that I had the dates mixed up - thought my dad wasn't getting another treatment until next week - and I was NOT the good daughter, calling right after he was done - because I missed it. Sorry, Daddy.
Here is his report about the chemo yesterday:
Today we met our third opponent (chemo treatment). This opponent intends to be as tough as the first two. However, Coach gave me a new weapon to use - in addition to regular plays, he gave me an injection of ARANESP to help combat debilitating fatigue. Have to get a booster every two weeks - so we'll see if this new play can help score a few more points and keep the opponent out of our endzone. Also in two weeks Coach wants to do a CAT Scan (the one Scruffy wants to observe) and a PET Scan (Scruffy doesn't like) to check progress in "wiping out" opponent. If they look good, may be able to reduce number of treatments. That would be a blessing. Can't tell yet, but tumors in neck have certainly reduced. Coach says he can still feel them, but he is kind of fussy - demands maximum preparation - coaches like that are good and help you win, but they can be kill-joys, if you know what I mean.
A Cubs baseball hat has become a permanent fixture on my head - hair was coming out in globs, so just had it buzzed off. Thanks Bubba (a teammate) for the use of the clippers - made the job a lot less painful. Now just need a little suntan on the old cranium. Go Cubs!
We should be able to move the ball pretty well against this opponent the first quarter (rest of this week). However, based on past games, 2nd quarter (beginning Sunday) the going may get a little rough. But, one never knows - different offenses, different defenses, can bring surprises. For once, I would like it not to be such a close game - a blowout would be nice - just be able to take it easy the whole time until next game 3 weeks from now.
God bless everyone - thanks for your prayers, thoughts, notes, and cards. They are very much appreciated. I need as many prayer teammates as possible. Let's see if we can't go undefeated - it would be a tall order but with a team like you all, anything is possible.
Here is his report about the chemo yesterday:
Today we met our third opponent (chemo treatment). This opponent intends to be as tough as the first two. However, Coach gave me a new weapon to use - in addition to regular plays, he gave me an injection of ARANESP to help combat debilitating fatigue. Have to get a booster every two weeks - so we'll see if this new play can help score a few more points and keep the opponent out of our endzone. Also in two weeks Coach wants to do a CAT Scan (the one Scruffy wants to observe) and a PET Scan (Scruffy doesn't like) to check progress in "wiping out" opponent. If they look good, may be able to reduce number of treatments. That would be a blessing. Can't tell yet, but tumors in neck have certainly reduced. Coach says he can still feel them, but he is kind of fussy - demands maximum preparation - coaches like that are good and help you win, but they can be kill-joys, if you know what I mean.
A Cubs baseball hat has become a permanent fixture on my head - hair was coming out in globs, so just had it buzzed off. Thanks Bubba (a teammate) for the use of the clippers - made the job a lot less painful. Now just need a little suntan on the old cranium. Go Cubs!
We should be able to move the ball pretty well against this opponent the first quarter (rest of this week). However, based on past games, 2nd quarter (beginning Sunday) the going may get a little rough. But, one never knows - different offenses, different defenses, can bring surprises. For once, I would like it not to be such a close game - a blowout would be nice - just be able to take it easy the whole time until next game 3 weeks from now.
God bless everyone - thanks for your prayers, thoughts, notes, and cards. They are very much appreciated. I need as many prayer teammates as possible. Let's see if we can't go undefeated - it would be a tall order but with a team like you all, anything is possible.
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