First, my friend, Steph is pregnant and it is fantastic news and the answer to a lot of prayers. Apparently a call was made to her aunt Magnolia- of wedding story fame ( see the red note below) and she said she already knew about the pregnancy and that the baby had red hair. Okay then. I am going to be an aunt - and I can hardly wait. So congrats to a woman who will be a great mom, congrats to the husband who has been wonderful to her and thanks for bringing me the love of my life totally by accident!!
Magnolia is the woman who was outside with Justin and I cutting fruit in preparation for the wedding reception back in June. She picked up that there was somethig between us long before we did. Kept talking to me about sparks and love and destiny. She was the one who told me that I would be married to Justin and that we were meant to be together. Normally I would just think someone like this was nutty - but her sincerity and the thick South American accent made it believable - and now - here we are engaged and happy - she has connections.
Second, the first hardwood floor has been sanded and refinished - using Pecan - what else. It looks lovely and now I am starting to see the results of all the hard work - the house is really coming along - and I may be done sooner that I could have hoped. If I can figure out how to post pictures without freaking out my computer - I will try to let you see them.
My friend Lora got admitted into a teaching prep program. Lora has the uncanny ability to tell a joke perfectly - that was what I remember from the first night we were friends - and she will also be an amazing teacher. Kids love her and it will give her a chance to change the world one baby at a time. Funny that the closer we all get to forty, the better our lives are....hmmmm.
Yesterday my dad underwent the first round of chemo - His note just makes me laugh - so I am copying it here for your amusement as well. One little thing - in the end, he comments about Denny from the Methodist church. Oddly enough, I knew Denny for about a year when I went to the Christian singles group at that church, I am good friends with a man who was dating her daughter and we have some other friends in common as well. The Spirit works in strange ways and sent my dad one of my friends without him asking.
"Heading down that chemo treatment slippery slope pretty fast now, but not yet out of control, well-maybe just a little. Started out with a blood draw at 8am, and then saw doctor at @ 8:45. He said blood results looked good, except for creatinine level - has to do with kidney function - reading is abnormally high. This is expected after chemo starts because the cells killed by the chemo are flushed out of the body thru the kidneys and urine.. After chemo starts, the kidneys can sometimes get plugged up with all the cell refuse and needs to be kick-started. Not real good to have this happen before chemo starts. We will just have to watch. However he modified my chemo regimen to start me off with a liter of saline solution (water to help flush my kidneys) and a kidney pill. So we started chemo at 9:40.
Where they administer chemo is a bunch of small rooms, most private, but several holding 2-3 patients. You sit in a recliner connected to an IV pole holding the bags of "drip". They started to put us in a room with 3 recliners - looked kind of crowded. Pat started to look around for a place for her to sit - reminded me of a look I've seen in a cat's eyes that Scruffy had cornered. There's a guy in this room already receiving treatment - he seemed nice enough. Pat was looking around for a chair for her to sit on. Couldn't find one - one could have been drug in, but it would have been real tight. The nurse had to leave for a moment. Pat continues to survey the situation just like that cat that Scruffy has cornered (the truth be known, Scruffy doesn't have a chance against that cat). Pat spots some empty private rooms across the way. Michelle (the nurse -Scruffy) returns shortly. Pat (the cat) starts making a beeline for one of the empty rooms across the way with Michelle (Scruffy) in tow, explaining that since this is our first time, plus we're going to be here for 8 hours or so, plus there's no place for me to sit, I don't like this room, etc., etc.. I was kind of oblivious to what was playing out, but a master (the cat) was at work. I was still standing there beginning to make small talk with my prospective roommate "Hi - nice day isn't it (had snowed 4" overnite) how're ya' doin", etc.. I over-heard Michelle say, "Well, you're right, I'm going to take charge and move you to a private room" (the one Pat was already heading for). The cat had escaped again - way to go Scruffy.
Michelle began transferring all the paper work (they double and triple check everything) to another nurse, Judy, (who turned out to be great) assigned to that room. It's awesome to watch the Spirit in action. I hurriedly said good-by to my ex-roommate, and followed along to my private room, with my private TV, that I can endlessly surf on. Way to go, Pat (the cat).
The chemo treatment is going to last loner now because the doc added the saline drip. Plus the fact, one never knows how long the 1st treatment will last because they don't know how fast they can administer the drugs - it is based on the patient's reaction. They start slow and periodically kick it up a notch until your body says "whoa- that's fast enough". Then they drop it back. Judy brought out several bags of drip, hung them on the pole, and started the saline solution. I took one look at the bags, the slow rate of current drip, and started doing some quick calculating in my head. My math brain quickly figured I should have brought some jamies and an extra pair of shorts. We should finish this by the weekend.
At any rate the saline finishes dripping 1 1/2 - 2 hours later. Judy (God bless her) then starts the drip for the first treatment - another large bag holding Rituxan. This is the new treatment that we have heard so much about - a multiclonal antibody that attacks only the cancer cells. It's not a drug, but a protein. As I watch it, I think, "At last, we're about to go on the offensive against this disease. We have finally got our hands on the ball and can march toward the opponent's goal line". Oh no, the 1st play we run, we fumble. Judy explains that Rituxan doesn't have hardly any side effects, but one may be, I understood her to say, rickets. My mouth drops and I ask, "What's that - what symptoms does that have? Isn't that what sailors used to get when they were on the ocean for months on end - like in Christopher Columbus' day? My God, America has already been discovered - I can see that re-created on the History channel!" Judy laughed and replied, "NO, I said riggers (sp), - it's chills and the shakes. We just wrap you in blankets and slow the drip." That didn't sound like a lot of fun, but it sure sounded a lot better than rickets. Life is a bunch of tradeoffs, based on your perspective. So we got started, a very slow drip at first.
Earlier during the saline drip, I asked Judy "how does one go the bathroom, hooked up to this pole with all the bags hanging on it". Also it's plugged into a wall socket. Plus by that time I also had a automatic blood pressure monitor hooked up to my arm. I thought I may just have to pull a Scruffy, raise my leg and do it on the recliner. Judy quickly erased that thought and said they will just unplug the IV temporarily, unwrap the monitor from my arm, and I get to wheel my IV pole with the bags hanging on it down the hall to the restroom. Scruffy's idea sounded better. Judy explained the key was not to upset the pole (that would be a major fumble - a turnover for sure).
Anyway we recovered our rickets fumble and began to slowly move the ball upfield (a slow drip). As time went by, we picked up speed with no major penalties nor fumbles. Coach Judy periodically adjusted the drip speed and all seemed to be going according to the scouting report. However, about halfway thru the drip, I began to experience a sore throat and a pain below the right side of my chest. I yelled at Coach on the sidelines for instructions. Coach Judy came in, did a quick scan of the monitors, and then asks, "Where is your lymphoma located?" I responded, "Both sides of my neck and throughout my abdomen." Coach responds "Well, that's the Rituxan going to work on those tumors." Man, I think, we must be running the West Coast offense - that's quick."
We finish the Rituxan drip at max speed and move on to the drug part of the chemo (the so-called CHOP). It turns out the "P" part of CHOP is a pill, so that's quickly handled. The "O" part of CHOP has been excluded from my game plan by the doc. That's great, because that's the one that causes you to lose your hair. So I only have the "C" and the "H" to go. One of them (I forget which one - Pat has it in her notes - God bless her, she has been a real trooper thru all this) is a push. That means the nurse injects it into your IV line with a needle, so it is not a drip, but like a long pass, covering a lot of yardage in a hurry. The other one is a much smaller bag, so it goes pretty fast. Before I know it the chemo is over as Coach Judy and I are finishing our discussion regarding her book club meeting that night on a book entitled "CAN YOU DRINK THE CUP OF WHICH I AM GOING TO DRINK". It's a book about Christ's response to the two apostles who asked if they could sit one at His right and the other at His left when He enters His kingdom. Judy knew Fr. George, thought he was a neat guy. Her kids had him in class at Central Catholic. Sure made the time go by fast. (Also had a very interesting discussion with a Methodist minister chaplain - nice lady named Dennise - Denny for short - remind me to share it with you sometime)
We left at 6:30. Pat was neat. She kept track of what I was getting, start & stop times, closely watched for side effects, and overall was a great supporter (you know what I mean). I don't know if we have scored a touchdown yet, certainly don't know if we have won. The game is still in the 1st quarter. The doc wants two more blood tests Wednesday and Thursday (2 more trips to Lafayette) to monitor creatinine levels. Set up a follow-up doctor's appointment for 3/8, and then next chemo treatment on 3/22. Thanks again for your prayers, cards, calls, and just "being there". It means a lot."
Makes me think that there are so many times when God reaches his hand down to comfort us with people who have family, friends and memories in common with our own. Makes us feel like we are not alone - that others are walking the same path and that things will be okay.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Chemotherapy 101- Loner Style
Just got off the phone with my dad. He started the chemotherapy today along with Rituxan and was in mid-therapy when I called. They put in a port in his chest last week to facilitate the administration of the drugs, but still had to draw blood from a vein this morning.
When I called he told me he was living the "Life of Riley", sitting in a private room, watching TV and getting ready to play cards for awhile. I don't know what the Life of Riley is - but between patients, I am going to look up just what that entails - because he was having a really good time.
He had needed extra saline this morning because his kidney enzymes are off - so he has had to learn to maneuver to the bathroom with an IV pole. He said he had already turned the IV pole over twice on the way to the potty - and had saline running all over! The nurses are getting wise because when they added the blood pressure cuff on the other side, they told him they'd unhook it before he tried to get to the bathroom again - didn't want to see him try to wrestle with both poles down the hallway.
Says he is feeling fine - but that with all the chemicals it looks like some kind of meth lab. ( Do 65 -year old men know about meth labs - one can only wonder).
He asked about my house - and I told him I was done enough that if I needed to come up to help this weekend I could - and he informed me drolly that 90-year olds come in for this treatment alone, so he should be just fine.
The doctor was in and had a cold. He was wearing a mask - and we agreed that it wouldn't speak much to his abilities if he killed all of his immune-suppressed patients with the common cold he brought to the Oncology center himself. Okay, it isn't funny - but we laughed anyway.
They have asked dad to cut back on the Shaklee supplements he takes - and he responded that some Shaklee Vita-C would take care of the cold that doctor was sporting. He has sworn by the supplements ever since he cheated death the first time in the 70's - he had a plane crash and ruptured the aorta - which is now joined by a big piece of teflon.
I ordered two items from Amazon at the suggestion of one of my friends - they were both entitled Cancer as a Turning Point- they arrived today at his house - so he was able to bring them along - though I hope he waits to read them tomorrow. It is a loner thing - if you don't know how to fix something, buy a book and learn how from someone else.
When I called he told me he was living the "Life of Riley", sitting in a private room, watching TV and getting ready to play cards for awhile. I don't know what the Life of Riley is - but between patients, I am going to look up just what that entails - because he was having a really good time.
He had needed extra saline this morning because his kidney enzymes are off - so he has had to learn to maneuver to the bathroom with an IV pole. He said he had already turned the IV pole over twice on the way to the potty - and had saline running all over! The nurses are getting wise because when they added the blood pressure cuff on the other side, they told him they'd unhook it before he tried to get to the bathroom again - didn't want to see him try to wrestle with both poles down the hallway.
Says he is feeling fine - but that with all the chemicals it looks like some kind of meth lab. ( Do 65 -year old men know about meth labs - one can only wonder).
He asked about my house - and I told him I was done enough that if I needed to come up to help this weekend I could - and he informed me drolly that 90-year olds come in for this treatment alone, so he should be just fine.
The doctor was in and had a cold. He was wearing a mask - and we agreed that it wouldn't speak much to his abilities if he killed all of his immune-suppressed patients with the common cold he brought to the Oncology center himself. Okay, it isn't funny - but we laughed anyway.
They have asked dad to cut back on the Shaklee supplements he takes - and he responded that some Shaklee Vita-C would take care of the cold that doctor was sporting. He has sworn by the supplements ever since he cheated death the first time in the 70's - he had a plane crash and ruptured the aorta - which is now joined by a big piece of teflon.
I ordered two items from Amazon at the suggestion of one of my friends - they were both entitled Cancer as a Turning Point- they arrived today at his house - so he was able to bring them along - though I hope he waits to read them tomorrow. It is a loner thing - if you don't know how to fix something, buy a book and learn how from someone else.
Credit where credit is due
Had a good conversation last night with Jacob's dad - and he made a point about the blogs - and he was mostly right - so I am going to try to correct something.
I can honestly say that when Jake was born - and we were married, he and I didn't have any idea about how to make a marriage work. Since then, he has found a woman who has been a good wife to him - and we have both grown up a bit. I have endured years of comments from a particular friend that apparently I was not a good wife because his current wife and he are very happy and he is doing well. Probably a grain of truth in that - but more likely that we didn't have any business being married in the first place. It was not a good situation, things were said and done that neither of us would do again.
When Jacob had to have brain surgery, it was a wake-up call that we both took seriously, and Larry has tried to be a good father ever since. There are times that I think he should call more often - and he of course feels like I should have Jake visit more often - it is a two way street and we are both right on this one. He is doing the best he can - and whether it meets my random standards, or not, he has been a good father to Jake. He has always paid support, sometimes even more than he had to. He wants to see his son- and that is more than I can say for a lot of people who just decide it is too much trouble to deal with an ex-wife and coordinating two families.
More importantly, he did something I think deserves credit. He apologized. For a man to take responsibility for his shortcomings and admit to his faults, without fussing at me about mine -took a lot of heart - and for that he deserves respect.
We haven't always agreed on how to do things - and I am not a particularly easy ex-wife to deal with because my life seems to be so unconventional(this is pretty much the understatement of the century). We are both mere humans and sometimes our mouths run off in directions we shouldn't go. But mostly, we both love Jacob, and there is the mutual understanding that without either of us, the miracle that is Jake would have never happened.
Having a man who is in Jacob's life daily will make a real difference - just as being with his dad for vistiation makes a big difference. Justin has voluntarily taken on a huge responsibility - and handled it well. It is difficult to raise someone else's children- just ask my ex husbands. Both boys have been able to see, for the first time in their lives, what it looks like to love each other, to live without arguing and to genuinely be happy. Jacob has seen this during weekends with his dad - and I look forward to the day that thier lives are surrounded by a loving home on a daily basis.
Hope this leaves you with a better feeling - Jacob is one of my best contributions to this world, and for that I am very grateful.
I can honestly say that when Jake was born - and we were married, he and I didn't have any idea about how to make a marriage work. Since then, he has found a woman who has been a good wife to him - and we have both grown up a bit. I have endured years of comments from a particular friend that apparently I was not a good wife because his current wife and he are very happy and he is doing well. Probably a grain of truth in that - but more likely that we didn't have any business being married in the first place. It was not a good situation, things were said and done that neither of us would do again.
When Jacob had to have brain surgery, it was a wake-up call that we both took seriously, and Larry has tried to be a good father ever since. There are times that I think he should call more often - and he of course feels like I should have Jake visit more often - it is a two way street and we are both right on this one. He is doing the best he can - and whether it meets my random standards, or not, he has been a good father to Jake. He has always paid support, sometimes even more than he had to. He wants to see his son- and that is more than I can say for a lot of people who just decide it is too much trouble to deal with an ex-wife and coordinating two families.
More importantly, he did something I think deserves credit. He apologized. For a man to take responsibility for his shortcomings and admit to his faults, without fussing at me about mine -took a lot of heart - and for that he deserves respect.
We haven't always agreed on how to do things - and I am not a particularly easy ex-wife to deal with because my life seems to be so unconventional(this is pretty much the understatement of the century). We are both mere humans and sometimes our mouths run off in directions we shouldn't go. But mostly, we both love Jacob, and there is the mutual understanding that without either of us, the miracle that is Jake would have never happened.
Having a man who is in Jacob's life daily will make a real difference - just as being with his dad for vistiation makes a big difference. Justin has voluntarily taken on a huge responsibility - and handled it well. It is difficult to raise someone else's children- just ask my ex husbands. Both boys have been able to see, for the first time in their lives, what it looks like to love each other, to live without arguing and to genuinely be happy. Jacob has seen this during weekends with his dad - and I look forward to the day that thier lives are surrounded by a loving home on a daily basis.
Hope this leaves you with a better feeling - Jacob is one of my best contributions to this world, and for that I am very grateful.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Well - poop
I love my new job - the variety is great. However, I have this one person I work with who continually talks to me as though I am the stupidest person on the planet. This is both disconcerting - and insulting. I have struggled to try to understand her perspective - we nurses tend to take our patients pretty seriously - as though each one was our own family - so maybe she was afraid to turn over that duty.
This morning, topped it for me. I came in on inpatient duty - and there she sat - looking at me. She asked if I had checked the schedule - well obviously I didn't because there I stood in the wrong office. Unfortunately good breeding prevented me from saying that if we do indeed change offices at the beginning of the week - as opposed to the beginning of the month which is what we did in January, it was HER responsibility as my preceptor to tell me - so she really needed to wipe the smirk off her face.
Why do we treat each other this way - what is gained from talking down to someone else - or acting pious or self-righteous or anything else but kind??? I truly do not understand it. Would have been very easy to offer me a bit of comfort and say - oh no problem, you don't have a patient until 10 - do you want to give me report - instead it was nasty. Well poop.
This morning, topped it for me. I came in on inpatient duty - and there she sat - looking at me. She asked if I had checked the schedule - well obviously I didn't because there I stood in the wrong office. Unfortunately good breeding prevented me from saying that if we do indeed change offices at the beginning of the week - as opposed to the beginning of the month which is what we did in January, it was HER responsibility as my preceptor to tell me - so she really needed to wipe the smirk off her face.
Why do we treat each other this way - what is gained from talking down to someone else - or acting pious or self-righteous or anything else but kind??? I truly do not understand it. Would have been very easy to offer me a bit of comfort and say - oh no problem, you don't have a patient until 10 - do you want to give me report - instead it was nasty. Well poop.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Want versus need and the new house
At the closing, we had to part with about a thousand dollars more than I had planned to part with - making our allowance to spend on the house and the move only about $4000. The moving trucks will cost us about $2000 - so the remainder is for things that need to be fixed.
I started with paint and light fixtures and a sander - $350 down pretty quickly. Rooms needed to be painted - more to make the house really ours than because the paint was bad. Now there are bright colors - a royal blue in the boys room, fuschia in my daughter's room, khaki green in the master bedroom, and butter yellow to go in the kitchen which faces south and gets monumental amounts of sunlight everyday. The floors will shine with a new coat of polyurethane, further accenting the light in this house.
I know I will need another hundred to finish all the floors and re-stain the doors, and that I need to buy carpet for the master bedroom - unless I decide to love particle board flooring. Need to estimate how much the carpet will run - and more importantly, if I can find someone to install it for me without breaking the bank.
I agreed to stick with essentials until we get a tax check back - but what is essential to fix before we move furniture and what can wait is preventing quite a dilemma for me. I am trying to estimate what it will run us to install a gas stove - the next essential on my list. Then on to the kitchen addition, which I think will be more costly because it entails tile counters and a new section of cabinets to house the dishwasher. I think that is going to eat up a lot of money - is a dishwasher a need or a want for a woman with three kids, a new husband and a full-time job? Guess it depends on how much this is going to run. Usually I am pretty good at doing my own renovations, but the cabinets and the dishwasher will probably require professional installation - this is out of my league. Are slate tiles a want or a need? Part of the floor has simulated wood tiles, part has slate - I want them to match, but I guess the house would still remain standing if they didn't. I made the executive decision that a zipline was an essential - mostly because I promised the boys we would put one up - and I ordered it today on Amazon.
Any hints out there - any good sites to help estimate costs or plan a renovation? I don't feel right about asking for a professional estimate for work that I will do myself - but I sure don't want to get in over my head repairing things and then run out of money either!
My list is this:
Paint
Stain and polyurethane for hardwood floors
new light fixtures for bathroom
Carpet for master bedroom ( plus labor)
Gas line and gas stove ( mostly labor)
Cabinet and dishwasher ( plus labor)
Tile countertops and backsplash
Slate tiles for basement
Mirrors to replace the ones in bathrooms
I started with paint and light fixtures and a sander - $350 down pretty quickly. Rooms needed to be painted - more to make the house really ours than because the paint was bad. Now there are bright colors - a royal blue in the boys room, fuschia in my daughter's room, khaki green in the master bedroom, and butter yellow to go in the kitchen which faces south and gets monumental amounts of sunlight everyday. The floors will shine with a new coat of polyurethane, further accenting the light in this house.
I know I will need another hundred to finish all the floors and re-stain the doors, and that I need to buy carpet for the master bedroom - unless I decide to love particle board flooring. Need to estimate how much the carpet will run - and more importantly, if I can find someone to install it for me without breaking the bank.
I agreed to stick with essentials until we get a tax check back - but what is essential to fix before we move furniture and what can wait is preventing quite a dilemma for me. I am trying to estimate what it will run us to install a gas stove - the next essential on my list. Then on to the kitchen addition, which I think will be more costly because it entails tile counters and a new section of cabinets to house the dishwasher. I think that is going to eat up a lot of money - is a dishwasher a need or a want for a woman with three kids, a new husband and a full-time job? Guess it depends on how much this is going to run. Usually I am pretty good at doing my own renovations, but the cabinets and the dishwasher will probably require professional installation - this is out of my league. Are slate tiles a want or a need? Part of the floor has simulated wood tiles, part has slate - I want them to match, but I guess the house would still remain standing if they didn't. I made the executive decision that a zipline was an essential - mostly because I promised the boys we would put one up - and I ordered it today on Amazon.
Any hints out there - any good sites to help estimate costs or plan a renovation? I don't feel right about asking for a professional estimate for work that I will do myself - but I sure don't want to get in over my head repairing things and then run out of money either!
My list is this:
Paint
Stain and polyurethane for hardwood floors
new light fixtures for bathroom
Carpet for master bedroom ( plus labor)
Gas line and gas stove ( mostly labor)
Cabinet and dishwasher ( plus labor)
Tile countertops and backsplash
Slate tiles for basement
Mirrors to replace the ones in bathrooms
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Pope John Paul II
I have had several lengthy conversations with co-workers about the leadership of the Catholic church - the Pope. It was suggested by my friends, who are not Catholic, that perhaps the Pope should resign and let someone stronger lead the Church. If you want to pass on my drivel - at least check out the link for the story I found.
I am letting my Catholic roots show here for a moment, because I want to take a little digression before I explain why he has not resigned. I like having one person who is ultimately responsible for the Church - a place where the buck stops. When I look to my Protestant friends, there is not a "single" person who heads most churches. Could you say that Billy Graham has more authority than James Dobson 0r than Max Lucado or Martin Luther or that any of these men has the power within the protestant church to declare the final decision? You can't really - and that is the benefit of a Pope - he is like the father of the family, lots of members of the family may express their opinions and disagree, but the bottom-line, final decision is his to make. There are many people who have insight into Christianity and it is easy for lines to become blurred and Christian doctrine can easily become intermingled with secular humanism and mysticism and all manner of New Age thinking. Though I am not a fan of hierarchy because it tends to bring out the worst in people - in this case I think it is a necessary evil. Someone has to be ultimately responsible until we come up with a direct phone line to ask God questions - without relying on merely passages from scripture - and their human interpretations.
Yesterday I happened upon an article in Newsweek of all places which talks about the Pope and his suffering. The article points out beautifully what I have been trying to explain - this is an elected position within the Church, and there are diplomatic duties, to be sure, but the Papacy is ultimately a calling, like being an oncology nurse or missionary or a soldier in Bosnia. There is a deeply resonating duty and responsibility to do what you are called to do- even though it doesn't make sense to the outside world (blessed are you when people laugh at you and mock you because of Me). Truth is, a calling isn't supposed to make sense to others - but it makes sense to God. The calling is fulfilled when God's purpose is met - and more importantly, you can tell you are doing what you are called to do by the fruits of your labor. Are lives changed? Are you making a difference one person - or millions of people - at a time? Then you are doing it right.
The Pope leaves a remarkable legacy -lots of saints, dealing with the exposure and healing of the Church during the molestation scandals, traveling to see more countries than any Pope before, publicly visiting and forgiving the man who shot him, standing against the culture of death- even though it is not popular at all in America, and in spite of the fact that this very stand may prolong his own suffering. He isn't just talk, he has walked the walk he calls us to - and because he has time and time again shown himself to be a man of integrity - I trust that he will also know when and if it is time to step down. The Pope is a man who has devoted most of his life to God - and to the Church. I am infinitely comfortable believing that he knows some things that I don't about the will of God and the plans of God. I don't support his decision to stay Pope blindly, I support it because I trust him to continue to do what he thinks is right and because I have enough sense to know that in this particular arena - he has the doctorate - and I am still working on my diploma.
I am letting my Catholic roots show here for a moment, because I want to take a little digression before I explain why he has not resigned. I like having one person who is ultimately responsible for the Church - a place where the buck stops. When I look to my Protestant friends, there is not a "single" person who heads most churches. Could you say that Billy Graham has more authority than James Dobson 0r than Max Lucado or Martin Luther or that any of these men has the power within the protestant church to declare the final decision? You can't really - and that is the benefit of a Pope - he is like the father of the family, lots of members of the family may express their opinions and disagree, but the bottom-line, final decision is his to make. There are many people who have insight into Christianity and it is easy for lines to become blurred and Christian doctrine can easily become intermingled with secular humanism and mysticism and all manner of New Age thinking. Though I am not a fan of hierarchy because it tends to bring out the worst in people - in this case I think it is a necessary evil. Someone has to be ultimately responsible until we come up with a direct phone line to ask God questions - without relying on merely passages from scripture - and their human interpretations.
Yesterday I happened upon an article in Newsweek of all places which talks about the Pope and his suffering. The article points out beautifully what I have been trying to explain - this is an elected position within the Church, and there are diplomatic duties, to be sure, but the Papacy is ultimately a calling, like being an oncology nurse or missionary or a soldier in Bosnia. There is a deeply resonating duty and responsibility to do what you are called to do- even though it doesn't make sense to the outside world (blessed are you when people laugh at you and mock you because of Me). Truth is, a calling isn't supposed to make sense to others - but it makes sense to God. The calling is fulfilled when God's purpose is met - and more importantly, you can tell you are doing what you are called to do by the fruits of your labor. Are lives changed? Are you making a difference one person - or millions of people - at a time? Then you are doing it right.
The Pope leaves a remarkable legacy -lots of saints, dealing with the exposure and healing of the Church during the molestation scandals, traveling to see more countries than any Pope before, publicly visiting and forgiving the man who shot him, standing against the culture of death- even though it is not popular at all in America, and in spite of the fact that this very stand may prolong his own suffering. He isn't just talk, he has walked the walk he calls us to - and because he has time and time again shown himself to be a man of integrity - I trust that he will also know when and if it is time to step down. The Pope is a man who has devoted most of his life to God - and to the Church. I am infinitely comfortable believing that he knows some things that I don't about the will of God and the plans of God. I don't support his decision to stay Pope blindly, I support it because I trust him to continue to do what he thinks is right and because I have enough sense to know that in this particular arena - he has the doctorate - and I am still working on my diploma.
Monday, February 21, 2005
Good Housekeeping
The closing went off without a hitch -except that I really hit it off with the lady who had the house before. She gave us a list of all the flowers and trees planted in the yard. Much to my delight - the big tree that I couldn't identify - right behind the pecan is a FIG TREE!!!! Never had a fresh fig, though I suppose I had better learn to like them pretty quickly - it is a twenty foot tree. There are also blackberry and blueberry bushes. I had these same things planted in Indiana - now they are in my new yard - like God put them there so that I have really not lost a thing in the move. The seller said we were the right people for the house - that we were a different breed since we liked so many things the in common. That was probably true. In my one faux pas, I was so busy enjoying myself that I didn't notice Justin signing mountains of papers - and missed that his hands were sore afterwards. Usually I am pretty good about gauging that, but in my fervor for the house, I missed it.
Afterwards we met the kids at the house - it was the first time they had been allowed to roam around and they had a blast out in the woods looking for leftovers long buried. Then came the trip to Lowes and Home Depot for paint and light fixtures.
Saturday morning I couldn't sleep one minute longer - so Bear and I went over to the house and started working. By the end of the weekend, we have most of the carpet up - and the sanding started on the hardwood floors, two rooms nearly done with paint and taping begun on the master bedroom.
It feels like something out of a movie - like finally the dreams I have of a happy life and a little garden are coming true. And to top it off, there is a man who is excited about being my husband - not that he feels obligated, not that we are pregnant and he has to marry me for honor - he just wants to be with me. How incredible is that!?! It is a good house and the beginning of a good life.
Afterwards we met the kids at the house - it was the first time they had been allowed to roam around and they had a blast out in the woods looking for leftovers long buried. Then came the trip to Lowes and Home Depot for paint and light fixtures.
Saturday morning I couldn't sleep one minute longer - so Bear and I went over to the house and started working. By the end of the weekend, we have most of the carpet up - and the sanding started on the hardwood floors, two rooms nearly done with paint and taping begun on the master bedroom.
It feels like something out of a movie - like finally the dreams I have of a happy life and a little garden are coming true. And to top it off, there is a man who is excited about being my husband - not that he feels obligated, not that we are pregnant and he has to marry me for honor - he just wants to be with me. How incredible is that!?! It is a good house and the beginning of a good life.
Friday, February 18, 2005
Tidbits for Friday
House closing is at 3 today - I am investing a chunk of money, but I am so glad that I had it to invest. Right afterwards we are going over to bless the house and put in some spring bulbs. Can hardly wait.
Did I mention that my engagement ring is fabulous - the color of the diamond keeps catching the light while I am driving or typing and it is just a glorious thing.
My folks looked at the links I found yesterday in my quest for fixing this cancer dilemma - and they want to talk about some of the things they found. Maybe all that time in nursing school will pay off after all - at least my folks think I know enough to help - and for now, that helps me feel less like I have abandoned them in their time of need. ( My brain knows I didn't do anything wrong, but my heart hasn't figured this out yet, and wants to keep apologizing)
Had a great breakfast meeting this morning. Now that I have been here three months, my employer actually wanted to know if there was anything I needed or anything they could do differently - the longer I am here, the more I like it. Thank God for the blessing of a good job.
Justin has been calling me Wonder Woman - unfortunately not because of my figure (chuckle) this week he brought me a little surprise - a Wonder Woman keyring. I put my car and office keys on it - so I have been carrying it around all the time. It makes a lovely noise like windchimes while I am driving.
I learned a valuable lesson last night - Apparently boiled peanuts and tequila do not mix. I made a margarita - without using mix - last night and it went down very smoothly. Then Justin had the peanuts and the salty taste was wonderful - until about half an hour later when my stomach realized it had been invaded - not a nice surprise. This morning I am still feeling hung over - which is not convenient because I have a lot of work to cram into a three hour work day.
Did I mention that my engagement ring is fabulous - the color of the diamond keeps catching the light while I am driving or typing and it is just a glorious thing.
My folks looked at the links I found yesterday in my quest for fixing this cancer dilemma - and they want to talk about some of the things they found. Maybe all that time in nursing school will pay off after all - at least my folks think I know enough to help - and for now, that helps me feel less like I have abandoned them in their time of need. ( My brain knows I didn't do anything wrong, but my heart hasn't figured this out yet, and wants to keep apologizing)
Had a great breakfast meeting this morning. Now that I have been here three months, my employer actually wanted to know if there was anything I needed or anything they could do differently - the longer I am here, the more I like it. Thank God for the blessing of a good job.
Justin has been calling me Wonder Woman - unfortunately not because of my figure (chuckle) this week he brought me a little surprise - a Wonder Woman keyring. I put my car and office keys on it - so I have been carrying it around all the time. It makes a lovely noise like windchimes while I am driving.
I learned a valuable lesson last night - Apparently boiled peanuts and tequila do not mix. I made a margarita - without using mix - last night and it went down very smoothly. Then Justin had the peanuts and the salty taste was wonderful - until about half an hour later when my stomach realized it had been invaded - not a nice surprise. This morning I am still feeling hung over - which is not convenient because I have a lot of work to cram into a three hour work day.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
bottoming out
I have been online what seems like all morning - trying to get more information about lymphoma and treatments and what all of the results mean. I wonder as I look through, if being screened as a bone marrow donor might end up helping my dad in the long run, I read through all the information I can find about the previous clinical trials and how well they worked.
Mostly, I have been looking for something to reassure me that it will be okay - that he won't hurt, that there is something I can help with. Honestly, it isn't there. I can be support, but I can't fix this. The realization is a bit overwhelming, since fixing things seems to always fall to me - but I can't do anything.
So now I can think about is some palliative coping on my part, some distraction, something else to focus on - and there is not one ounce of my body that wants to be at the hospital today trying to meet the needs of others - I really want a day away. I am thinking about making a trip to look at appliances - or check out paint colors - or pick up some tools for the house - and probably I will make that stop on the way home - to burn up some steam before I have to go back to taking care of the boys. Luckily - tomorrow will be a busy and distracting day with the closing - then planning our move. I am ready for a nap and my brain is tired.
Mostly, I have been looking for something to reassure me that it will be okay - that he won't hurt, that there is something I can help with. Honestly, it isn't there. I can be support, but I can't fix this. The realization is a bit overwhelming, since fixing things seems to always fall to me - but I can't do anything.
So now I can think about is some palliative coping on my part, some distraction, something else to focus on - and there is not one ounce of my body that wants to be at the hospital today trying to meet the needs of others - I really want a day away. I am thinking about making a trip to look at appliances - or check out paint colors - or pick up some tools for the house - and probably I will make that stop on the way home - to burn up some steam before I have to go back to taking care of the boys. Luckily - tomorrow will be a busy and distracting day with the closing - then planning our move. I am ready for a nap and my brain is tired.
Cancer
Last night I got the call from my dad about the cancer, it is in fact Stage 4 Lymphoma, which means it has been around for a while. The good news is that the prognosis is good - he can get treatment and the cancer can go into remission for about 10 years. He sounded optimistic - which makes a big difference. My folks have used Shaklee supplements and tried to eat healthy and exercise for as long as I can remember - actually I have very vivid memories of my Dad wakign up the family in the morning doing his Royal Canadian exercises. Anyway - here is his note to the family about the visit:
Had a late afternoon (4pm) visit with the oncology dr yesterday to get the results of the tests. Wouldn't you know it, after calling the doc's office twice before driving to Lafayette to make sure they had received all results back, one test result had not come back yet. It was the biopsy of enlarged nodes in the neck. It had been sent to the Mayo Clinic and was not back yet. It is an important one as far as the doctor is concerned.
My sister and her husband had driven in from Kansas City and my brother and his wife had driven up from Indy and met me at the doctor's office. Their moral support was very much appreciated. Anyway the doc gave me the results of the other 4 tests, but said final treatment recommendations would have to wait until he received the biopsy results.
The bad news is the CAT Scan (the one Scruffy likes because it scorches those cats) showed that the lymphoma has spread throughout the body. There are swollen nodes (tumors) under left armpit, next to esophagus, and in the abdomen. The organs (liver, spleen, etc.) however are clear. The PET scan (the one Scruffy doesn't like) showed the tumors to be malignant. The bone marrow biopsy indicated it has also spread to bone marrow. However, the doc said this was no surprise and expected. This classifies it as Stage 4 (on a scale of 1 to 4, with 4 being worst). It is however slow growing which indicates it has been growing some time before I noticed the lump on my neck.
The good news is that if you're going to have a cancer, this is not too bad of a one to have. It can be treated and the tumors reduced, but it is not curable. Therefore one needs to keep coming back for checkups to see if it has come back (which it will do - it may be in remission for several months to several years) and then go through treatment again. The fact that makes it incurable is the fact that is slow growing. It seems (keep in mind that this is my understanding) that the medicine (chemo or new treatments) attack cells based on their activity, namely how fast they are dividing. Fast growing cancer cells are rapidly dividing and are easily identified and attacked by the medicine. Slow growing cells are not so rapidly dividing and as a result can conceal themselves from the medicine and not all of them will be recognized and attacked. As a result some of them avoid detection and may remain in one's system after treatment is completed, to rear their ugly head at a later time. Thus it is not completely curable. The main danger from lymphoma is the tumors becoming so enlarged that they may exert pressure on other structures, or spread to organs, or replacing bone marrow fluid with lymphatic cells, thus reducing the body's capabilities to produce a good blood supply. My blood test looked very good, so that was a relief. More good news is that life expectancy for lymphoma with current treatments is good : 7-10+ years
Treatment options are as follows: 1) do nothing at the present time - wait and watch for symptoms to occur - I feel great right now, 2) a combined treatment regimen of Rituxan ( new treatment) and chemo, or 3) get accepted for a clinical trial using Rituxan only. Rituxan is a new treatment and is not a drug like chemo. Thus there are not the usual side effects of chemo. Rituxan is a protein antibody which has been programmed to recognize and destroy cancer cells only and it is very effective. Each cancer cell carries a marker identifying it as foreign body cancer cell (CD-20 marker- as Chip says - like a neon sign saying here I am) and the Rituxan attacks it only, not good cells. The Lafayette Cancer Care Clinic is currently conducting a Rituxan clinical trial (Phase 3 - meaning that the drug has previously proved successful and each patient is treated - no placebos are used) and the doctor will see if I qualify. There are certain restrictions in that the tumors cannot be too bulky (exceed 7cm - I have a couple around 6cm). I think it would be a blessing to get in on the trial because Rituxan seems so successful, no side effects as with chemo, plus you are monitored very carefully in the trial.
I have an appointment with the doctor on Tues 2/22, to review biopsy results and finalize treatment plans. Of course after all this, I can get a second opinion, but at the present time I feel pretty confident with Dr K. I have in effect already had 2nd opinions in that 3 different Pathology groups (including Mayo) have reviewed results and offered opinions re type of lymphoma. We'll see. Keep those prayers and thoughts coming and ask the Spirit to guide Pat and me. Also it's kind of hard on Pat, so keep her in your prayers also. Thanks family and friends.
Had a late afternoon (4pm) visit with the oncology dr yesterday to get the results of the tests. Wouldn't you know it, after calling the doc's office twice before driving to Lafayette to make sure they had received all results back, one test result had not come back yet. It was the biopsy of enlarged nodes in the neck. It had been sent to the Mayo Clinic and was not back yet. It is an important one as far as the doctor is concerned.
My sister and her husband had driven in from Kansas City and my brother and his wife had driven up from Indy and met me at the doctor's office. Their moral support was very much appreciated. Anyway the doc gave me the results of the other 4 tests, but said final treatment recommendations would have to wait until he received the biopsy results.
The bad news is the CAT Scan (the one Scruffy likes because it scorches those cats) showed that the lymphoma has spread throughout the body. There are swollen nodes (tumors) under left armpit, next to esophagus, and in the abdomen. The organs (liver, spleen, etc.) however are clear. The PET scan (the one Scruffy doesn't like) showed the tumors to be malignant. The bone marrow biopsy indicated it has also spread to bone marrow. However, the doc said this was no surprise and expected. This classifies it as Stage 4 (on a scale of 1 to 4, with 4 being worst). It is however slow growing which indicates it has been growing some time before I noticed the lump on my neck.
The good news is that if you're going to have a cancer, this is not too bad of a one to have. It can be treated and the tumors reduced, but it is not curable. Therefore one needs to keep coming back for checkups to see if it has come back (which it will do - it may be in remission for several months to several years) and then go through treatment again. The fact that makes it incurable is the fact that is slow growing. It seems (keep in mind that this is my understanding) that the medicine (chemo or new treatments) attack cells based on their activity, namely how fast they are dividing. Fast growing cancer cells are rapidly dividing and are easily identified and attacked by the medicine. Slow growing cells are not so rapidly dividing and as a result can conceal themselves from the medicine and not all of them will be recognized and attacked. As a result some of them avoid detection and may remain in one's system after treatment is completed, to rear their ugly head at a later time. Thus it is not completely curable. The main danger from lymphoma is the tumors becoming so enlarged that they may exert pressure on other structures, or spread to organs, or replacing bone marrow fluid with lymphatic cells, thus reducing the body's capabilities to produce a good blood supply. My blood test looked very good, so that was a relief. More good news is that life expectancy for lymphoma with current treatments is good : 7-10+ years
Treatment options are as follows: 1) do nothing at the present time - wait and watch for symptoms to occur - I feel great right now, 2) a combined treatment regimen of Rituxan ( new treatment) and chemo, or 3) get accepted for a clinical trial using Rituxan only. Rituxan is a new treatment and is not a drug like chemo. Thus there are not the usual side effects of chemo. Rituxan is a protein antibody which has been programmed to recognize and destroy cancer cells only and it is very effective. Each cancer cell carries a marker identifying it as foreign body cancer cell (CD-20 marker- as Chip says - like a neon sign saying here I am) and the Rituxan attacks it only, not good cells. The Lafayette Cancer Care Clinic is currently conducting a Rituxan clinical trial (Phase 3 - meaning that the drug has previously proved successful and each patient is treated - no placebos are used) and the doctor will see if I qualify. There are certain restrictions in that the tumors cannot be too bulky (exceed 7cm - I have a couple around 6cm). I think it would be a blessing to get in on the trial because Rituxan seems so successful, no side effects as with chemo, plus you are monitored very carefully in the trial.
I have an appointment with the doctor on Tues 2/22, to review biopsy results and finalize treatment plans. Of course after all this, I can get a second opinion, but at the present time I feel pretty confident with Dr K. I have in effect already had 2nd opinions in that 3 different Pathology groups (including Mayo) have reviewed results and offered opinions re type of lymphoma. We'll see. Keep those prayers and thoughts coming and ask the Spirit to guide Pat and me. Also it's kind of hard on Pat, so keep her in your prayers also. Thanks family and friends.
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