Wednesday is Full of Anticipation

First the good anticipation: Tonight Justin and I will get to tell his neice and nephew that we are getting married. They have politely asked about getting cousins - and now we get to tell them the good news when we go look at the house tonight. Can hardly wait to see thier sweet faces when they find out they are getting cousins who have two acres of woods to play on!!

Today is the "Oncologist Appointment" - where my dad will get the reports back - and when we will finally have the ability to make some sort of fact-based plans on what to do. The appointment is at 4 - and afterwards my aunts and uncles will join him for dinner to talk about what happens next. Over the past two weeks he has had a PET scan, a CAT scan, a bone marrow biopsy, and an excisional biopsy - all of these things should tell us where the cancer started, where it has moved to, if anywhere, and roughly what we should expect as far as treatment and prognosis.

I have Loner coping, as I have mentioned before - not sure if it is my great grandmother's German influence - or the Scot Stuart of my grandmother or the Irish of the Loner clan, but somehow we have this family coping that doesn't panic first - we wait, we gather information, we plan, we make the best of things. I cannot see any reason to fall apart at the seams when I don't know all the facts yet - tomorrow, I may need to fall apart.

I have been keeping busy - getting engaged, doing a final house inspection tonight, closing on the house Friday and then a Saturday full of basketball games for the boys. All these things to do have enabled me to "work off" some of the adrenaline I have pent up from moments of worrying about Dad's prognosis. Truth is, when I am stressed, I work. I am not a good housekeeper - I repeatedly have said that I missed the Martha Stewart gene that my mother possesses. When I am stressed, things get done - and usually the house is cleaner than ever. ( always reminds me of that line from Jeff Foxworthy "Come on in, excuse the mess, but this is the cleanest our house has been in years!")This week, I have been cleaning - have more planned for tonight!

Thanks to you, dear readers, who have kept my family in your prayers. After we get word tonight, I will post tomorrow and fill you in.

At Last, My Love has Come Along

Typically people get married, buy a house and then have children. We have done this totally backwards. I invaded Justin's house, complete with three kids and five dogs, then we decided to buy a house, and now we are deciding about getting married. Yep - backwards, but when I look at how odd our lives are - it fits perfectly!

The Spa
I have never had a massage before - and we decided to use my Christmas present to get a couple's massage, then go out to dinner downtown. The poor woman giving directions was somewhat directionally impaired, so we were lost and had to call again for directions - then we were late. Our hour massage was cut to half an hour...The spa however is known for it's excellent customer service and they not only comped the half hour massages we received, but also gave us a new gift certificate for two hour long massages for another time. WONDERFUL is all I can say about the massage. I remember a scene from At First Sight with Val Kilmer where he is doing a massage and the recipient cries - I thought it was odd, until I almost started that myself. Amazing how you can physically carry things around without even knowing it. The body is so complex.

The Dinner
We opted for dinner at The Cheesecake Factory - phenomenal spot - the lighting made the place a warm amber color. We waited in the bar and I had a lovely pink lemonade with Citron Vodka and Chambord - very refreshing, very potent. We were seated about twenty minutes later not far from the bar. Our waitress, Topaz, was friendly and efficient. She kept our water full the whole time - I think I drank about a gallon - apparently massage makes you thirsty. After we ordered, we decided to open presents during dinner - and I gave Justin the first part of his, a card and a cute book on 365 ways to kiss - which included a schnapps kiss reminiscent of the first time he kissed me.

I couldn't decide what to get - so I went for breakfast - THE BEST EGGS I have ever had - Italian sausage, spinach, mushrooms, onions and garlic -it was so good that I didn't even bother touching the hashbrowns ( which were also good) until I was completely done. I have to figure out how to duplicate that particular dish because it was healthy and excellent! Justin got a Chinese chicken salad that was about a foot high - incredible as well - we brought some leftovers of that dish home!
After dinner we ordered cheesecake - of course we did it is a Cheesecake factory! Again I was vexed by indecision - so we used the best method possible - Justin closed his eyes and pointed to the menu. So we ordered Dulche de Leche - which came with praline pecans and whipped topping. I gave Justin the rest of his gift, a watch that keeps time with the Atomic Clock -some little chocolates and a new lighter. The cheesecake came and a couple of bites into it Justin asked if I was ready for my present - in true classic form I had to ask to finish what was in my mouth first!
Next thing I knew he was down beside me on one knee, ring in his hand, looking right at me with those piercing blue eyes - saying "will you marry me". I kissed him before I answered him - then I said yes. Of course I said yes. Then the grin took over - this inexplicable grin that nearly shattered my face and made my insides feel like they were about 200 degrees - a moment of complete joy.

On the way out of the restaurant, a woman with her two daughters stopped us -"Did you just propose to her?" Seems they had never seen that happen before - we grinned like Cheshire cats and said yes. They congratulated us and we explained that we met at our best friend's wedding - funny. We left the restaurant and the wind was cold. I tried to wrap my self and walk at the same time - and unfortunately missed the curb. Picking me back up off the ground, skinned knee and all - Justin was very kind and didn't laugh. I told him that it was a good thing he had asked me to marry him before he saw that graceful trick!

So now I have been promoted from girlfriend to fiance' - feels pretty good. And I am looking forward to my next promotion - wife of the finest man I have ever known.

Holly's Blessings sent to the Wind

Last year at Christmas I had the honor of meeting my step-daughters fiance', Tony. He was a really great guy and I was genuinely excited for Holly. Such a sweet girl who had been through so much with her folks - and since I was at the time married to her dad, I could imagine with clarity what kind of a father he had been. But Holly had risen aboove all of that, had a good job, nice apartment and most of all the sense to choose a wonderful man to marry.

I write this because my relationships with Holly and Scotty were severed unceremoniously when the Ogre filed for divorce. I was not allowed to go to her wedding - and that crushed me. I really had grown to love those kids like they were my own - no surprise there - and I am sad at times that there isn't a way to salvage that relationship when a marriage ends for the better.

My thoughts are on Holly because I got another e-mail from the Ogre - Holly and Tony became parents last Wednesday, to a beautiful baby girl - and I picture in my mind a baby with the same chock of red hair that she has. I wish that I could call, or send a gift, or tell her that I think she is going to be a really great mother, but I cannot. Too many lies have been told, and she believed her father, so that is out of the question.

So I send my blessings to the wind in the hope that maybe one morning she will feel the sun on her shoulders when she is worn out from mothering, and that will be my blessing lighting upon her. Congratulations, Holly, and welcome to the hardest job you will ever love.

Well, I asked for it

When I was reflecting about how well I have been doing what God has called me to do - I decided I needed to work on it - that I wasn't always giving 100% at work, that there were ways I could go over and about what was needed to do a truly remarkable thing. I have people with needs at my disposal all day - I should be really connecting and doing better.

I decided this week to start working on that. I think I am doing better. I came back last night after a meeting across town because there was one more patient to be seen. I could have passed that on to the ICU nurse, but opted to take care of it myself. I was glad I did, because there were some items I had in my office stash that the nurse didn't have - and the patient was in need.

More importantly, it enabled me to get some great positive feedback. I had a patient who was discharged on Monday after having a sore go from bad to gangrene to amputation in about a weeks time. He was charming, and I spent a lot of time talking to him about diet issues and medications and doctors. Last night when I came back to the hospital, he was in the hallway. He grabbed me in this big bear hug and said he was glad to see me - I usually don't get THIS kind of a reaction. Anyway, he was concerned, he is still getting IV antibiotics, but he has another sore - I could see the thoughtline continuing - and this one was further up on the foot and he didn't want to lose the whole foot. I assured him that he was doing the right thing, getting it looked at early on. And that this time was different - he was already on antibiotics. He was visibly relieved.

When things like this happen, it helps me see that sometimes there is a whole other plan in operation than what I can see in my little circle - people who come into our lives to heal and offer comfort like Christ would if He were standing in front of you. The Body of Christ is like that - sometimes we are the hands, and the voice - for me it is usually totally by accident.

Dinner with Forrest Gump

Last night, after attempting to fast during the day - I was sideswiped by nausea at about 6:30 - right in the middle of Mass. As a result, we left early, right after the ashes, and went in search of dinner. I am not a good cook when I am nauseated - so I took the boys out to eat. There is a little Chinese buffet near work that has excellent shrimp, and since this is a day without meat, we opted for eating there.

We sat down and the boys promptly left me there while they went up to the buffet, leaving me questioning their manners. When it was my turn, I went up and in the background I heard them talking to someone. Upon my return I realized they were in conversation with a man in his forties, handsome face, dimpled chin and a pile of dark hair, streaked white with age. He was friendly and teasing them about saying prayers before they ate. The man continued the conversation , talking about boyhood and fathers and how good the shrimp was. I had the vague feeling of being uncomfortable with his attention to me and the boys, concerned that maybe he was flirting - stranger things have happened.

Jacob went up for plate number 2 - or maybe number 3 - hard to tell with Jake - and returned with a pile of crab legs. He wasn't exactly doing penance by eating seafood! The man commented that they looked good - "But I love the shrimp" Josh looked at me and giggled. The man got up to get another plate - I saw the orthopaedic shoes and the tremble in his gait. The waitress returned carrying his plates. He put the body-end of the crab leg in his mouth - it was not a nice surprise, then he struggled to work open the crab leg. The waitress said something curtly. Maybe it was the two years I spent thinking Jacob would be mentally retarded - before teh surgery and the siezures stopped - maybe it was the purity of the man's heart, reflected in the big doe eyes that looked like a lost puppy out in the rain.

I asked Jake if he would show him how to eat the crab legs, jake was in mid-bite, so Josh got up and went to the man's table. He stood there, later joined by Jacob, walking him through the enjoyment of Alaskan King Crab legs - when to use the butter, where to put the salt - how to get all the meat out without losing any. The waitress backed up to my table - saying "too much beer" indicating the man had been drinking. I told her I didn't think so, that maybe he was mildly retarded - though outwardly he looked fine.

The boys stood there for a long time, talking, laughing with him at the sloppiness of the crab and agreeing that the shrimp were much easier - and when Jake determined it had been long enough, he went back up to the bar. Returning with a plate of fruit, I mentioned that it was good for him. The man interjected that the fruit would give him a good BM - actually he said it rather loudly for an interjection - but we laughed with him anyway.

Two things really struck me about last night 1. When it comes right down to it, the boys have a good heart and chose to do the honorable thing, showing kindness when they really could have ignored this man like other people in the restaurant did. 2. We were there as Christians - something I didn't even realize until later - but we sat there with ashes on our foreheads - hardly discreet - so it was a good thing we acted in a way that reflected that. And you just never know when there will be the opportunity to be kind to a soul who really needs it - funny thing is, I think I may have needed it more than Forrest did last night. When he said "Have a good night ya'all", I knew that we would.

borrowed wisdom and menopause cake

I was reading a really interseting woman's blog and she asked about menopause cake. This caught my interest and lo and behold I found a recipe on a site with several alternative medicine articles. Here is the link for your viewing and cooking pleasure: Menopause Cake!

Welcome to Lent

Today is Ash Wednesday - and the start of Lent. We started it of right last night by watching thee Passion of the Christ. I saw it last year three times in the theater - so last night was the fourth time. I never get past the unbelievable amount of pain - all the blood - and the number of times Jesus looks like he is ready to give up- then he makes eye contact with his mother, with Peter, with Simon - and he stands up and takes some more. Last night, though, I felt differently watching the movie - I seemed to be really focusing on how painful this all was for Mary - to watch, knowing the whole backstory about Jesus, as people taunted him and hit him mercilessly. If some kid mouths off to my sons on the bus I am ready to rush to their defense - cannot even fathom being the mother in her place.

Food for thought here - one thing that Mel Gibson said in his interviews last year was that he has gotten his life and priorities straightened out by meditating on the "Dolorous Passion of the Christ" - a visionaries account of the final hours of Jesus. This account is very similar to Valtorte, whom I mentioned in an earlier post. If you are a seeker - or if you are not sure what to believe - these are deep, moving, and present Jesus in a way that even the Bible cannot match. After spending two hours thinking about how difficult this was for His Mother, I have gained a new respect for her.

So off we go into another season of Lent - of self-reflection, of trying to be more Christlike - of self-sacrifice in the hope that we will grow in spiritual depth.

Nice Guy Syndrome

Justin is one of those men that women like to befriend - he is funny, he is kind and he definitely has nice guy syndrome. Since we have been here, I have met a lot of his female friends and co-workers who have all said what a great guy he is. Luckily for me, none of them stayed romantically interested - and he has been a blessing to me and the kids every day since we met. Amazingly enough, I knew from the first night we were together that this was different - and that he was the kind of man a woman like me could count on. This time, I think my instinct was right - or more likely, God took pity on both of us and shoved us in the pool together - hoping we'd figure it out. He posted this yesterday and I felt compelled to add it here because it is a portrait of the genuine beauty of his heart.

2005-02-07
Responsibility
Despite feeling as poorly as I do, I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning talking with Bear. This week has been a rough one for her, and also for her mother. There have been arguments and harsh words, and a lot of folks have spent some time walking around feeling hurt. The talk did us good. It was due. It also underlined for me the awesome responsibilities that I've taken upon my shoulders.The responsibility has (thankfully) revealed itself to me in steps. Step one was that of being responsible for the safety of a family that felt unsafe. In all honesty, I've never had to fear for my life. When I took these four people into my home, I appointed myself as protector for them against something I couldn't actually fathom. I rank this as the first responsibility because safety is the reason that they all moved here to begin with. It took time, but the hard edges softened. Both boys no longer scream in fear while they sleep. Bear is able to socialize and get around, and can sleep at home without obsessively making sure everything lockable was locked.Another step was that of being a good role model. I only had a vague idea of what this would entail when this whole roller coaster ride began. First is my responsibility to Loner. She's a woman who has been hurt and mauled at almost every turn in her life. With nobody else to depend on, she has always been a fiercely independent woman who always found a way to do things on her own. For her to be willing to allow someone else to shoulder some of the burden took a lot. There's also the constant threat hanging over her, as well as the family: Is he going to leave? How do we know, I mean really know, that he's not going to cut and run? When he gets mad, is he going to hurt us? For Loner, and for all of them, I have to be the kind of man that they need. I have to show that I'm willing to take the bad times with the good and not run away.For Bear, I need to be a genuinely good man. I don't know how many of those she has known. Her Grandpa, certainly, but I don't know how many others. It's not easy, and I make mistakes. Still, I don't want her to spend her whole life thinking that Men (in the generally specific sense) treat women badly, leave when the going is rough, and don't care what kids have to say. I want her to see a man who continues to carry the burden that he has chosen, if for no other reason than that he said he would. I also want to be a friend to her. Her life has been really messed up - this is something we agreed on. I don't want to be simply The Guy Who's Seeing Her Mother. I want to be for her what my father was for me: a friend, an occasional confidant, someone to whom she can go when the other options stink, someone who has to discipline without liking it, someone who wants to help her become the person she wants to be.Then there are the boys. They're both so young and full of life and anxiety and energy and yearning. How can I be a good role model to these guys, who have never had a good man in their lives for any extended length of time? I try to show them how a man should treat the woman in their lives. For that matter, I try to show them what it means to have the characteristics of a good, Southern gentleman. I've never been perfect at being that, but it's something worth teaching. I want to show them that I care about what they have to say. I care about what's going on in their lives. I care if they can't sleep. I care when they're sad, or mad, or happy. When they're upset with me, I want to know why so that I can make sure I'm setting the kind of example that I want to set.For all four of them, there's one thing that I try to convey at every chance that I can. I love them. Even when I have to scold, and especially when I praise, I love them. I love them when I have to hound them to pick up their things. I love them when we all run out back to play with the dogs. I love them when they're being pains in my backside. I love them when they can't sleep and need someone to lay next to them. I love them when I'm at mass on Sunday, kneeling and thanking God for what I have.Yes, it's a huge responsibility that I've chosen to take. When I look around the house, though, I feel like I'm doing pretty well. The signs of healing are everywhere: Loner relaxing at day's end, Bear happily flopping down on the sofa to tell me about her day, Jacob liking me even though I make him clean his room, and Josh when he lets down his facade to geek out and talk with me about movies. It's tough, and it's scary as hell, and it takes a toll on me. When I look around me, though, and I see the family that is still taking a chance on me, the responsibility is still there but the load seems somehow lighter.

Start of Lent

This is the first week of Lent - starting on Wednesday. Some of the traditions seem to be difficult for my non-Catholic friends to understand. There is a dichotomy of thought - which actually I have never seen as either side being mutually exclusive. One side believes in salvation by profession and the other supposedly salvation by works. Before I talk about this I am reminded of the parable of the fig tree - being a farmer myself. A tree is known by the fruit it bears. If a person has God as their King, their Savior, their Lord, the life and fruits of their life should reflect that. To suggest otherwise would mean it is reasonable to expect to see apples beneath my pecan tree next fall.

When I claim to be a Christian, a Catholic Christian, my claim is to being broken and sinful and in dire need of some direction. I believe that I have been saved as my protestant compatriots define it. I saw the Passion, I saw the price that was paid. And in conjunction with my mouth saying I am a Christian, so should my works say that. Do I give to the poor, do I serve others, do I comfort the hurting, do I try to love even people who have hurt me? yep - though not always as well as I would like - part of that being broken and human thing.

Last year I went on opening day to see Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ in the theater. All I could say afterwards was wow. It is a powerful reminder that it was not accidental - that Christ didn't get "caught off guard" - that he looked Satan in the face and said - you dare me to pay this price? - just watch me. The scene in the garden of Gethsemene makes even the "Governator" look weak.

This week I will go once again on Ash Wednesday to remind myself that I am dust - filled with the breath of God - and someday I will again be dust - better not waste any time. I will choose something in my life to work on - this year it will be my finances, making sure I am paying things down and becoming debt free. This week I will again watch The Passion of the Christ - to remind me of the cost of my freedom. This week I will abstain from meat on Friday - as several generations of us have done - out of respect and because it is a very minimal thing to do, minimal inconvenience to show respect for the price that was paid.

First Visit to the Oncologist

Loners make light when the situation is bleak. Cannot tell you the number of times I have heard little tiffs between loners and their spouses when there was a bad joke made out of something that really isn't funny. True to form, when my father came back with bad news from the oncologist, he continued to make light and try to find the humor in this situation. I am posting his note:

"We just returned from Lafayette to see the oncologist. Great guy - very thorough. Not the greatest news however. Got a chance to read the pathologist report (2nd one using flow cytometry) and didn't leave much doubt - malignant stamped all over it - malignant lymphoma - like saying I have a boy son. Stage II actually - found enlarged nodes on both sides of neck. But prognosis does not seem to be so bad - average is 10 years. Here's the funny part - Stage I & II are incurable, Stage III & IV, which are much more aggressive and worse, are curable. I told the doc the answer seems easy to me "Let's just do nothing and wait for the disease to progress to III & IV, and then cure it." He smiled, but said it doesn't work that way. Wouldn't you know it - I thought I found the cure.

This doc really seems to know his stuff. We now start down the slippery slope of multiple tests to establish a base line for the disease so he can establish where it has spread to, also can tell when it is in remission. Also the tests provide additional info needed to develop a treatment plan. Chemo will probably be necessary. The tests consist of a full body CT scan (identify any additional tumor locations), PET Scan (I asked if that was for Scruffy), - it identifies any other cancer cells ("hot spots" he called them) that may be in the body, excisional biopsy of the neck, full blood workup, and bone marrow biopsy. I think I got it all. Just may move to Lafayette. However, they are one of the top cancer care clinics in the state. In fact, he said they are currently conducting a clinical trial (top research study) that he may want to put me in. Will talk about that after test results are in. Not sure I want to be a guinea pig. It's an adventure. But really, the prognosis is good. He was very optimistic, friendly, and thorough. I can think of a lot of worse things to have.

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. They count for a lot. The tests start tomorrow and we just live one day at a time. He could not guarantee the treatment would improve my golf game, so BIG DOG (brother Paul) & six-pack Carl can relax."