Last night I spent about an hour and a half in the emergency room with Joshua. He has a brawler's fracture which was acquired when his right fist met Jacob's right eye in a brawl over yet another nameless thing. What is it about boys that causes them to want to start with hitting first? How many dozens of times must I reiterate that this is not appropriate behavior - to hit someone? I sunk to my lowest level in trying to get the point across to the boys - we left the Ogre's den because he thought hitting was appropriate - deserved - necessary - as a means of getting his anger across. I told them that if they wanted to live that way, they could go back.
Most frustrating is that there is some "acceptance" of this behavior. I have been reassured repeatedly that boys will be boys - that is a load of crap. A person cannot always control the emotion - but you can control what you do about it. Why do we tolerate this and then act surprised about bar brawls and drive by shootings?
This will be a hard lesson for Josh - and I don't think we are there yet. The carpal is broken off and sitting at a diagonal angle according to what we saw on the x-ray. It is splinted now, but will have to be set at the orthopedic surgeon's office. And that is not going to be fun - high pain tolerance or not. The other part is that this ordeal is going to cost me about $150 in co-pays - possibly more. The boys will have to earn that money in labor for me over the next week and a half. Unfortunately for them, we have a lot that needs to be done - so I am going to get my money's worth from them.
At times I am just exasperated that I continue to deliver the same messages to the kids and they don't hear it. It was embarrassing to show up and explain that I am so inadequate as a parent that my kids think it is alright for them to hit one another. Someday they will be grown, and this phase will be over, but today, in the midst of it, it seems like it will never end.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Friday, January 07, 2005
Still Crazy After All These Years
This is first of twelve notes I received since about a week before Christmas. Apparently the Ogre has been unable to fill his bed and hopes that getting to me will cure his lonliness. I am posting to get it out of my system - and embrace the craziness contained in it.
Gentle Reader, if you love a woman, don't throw chili at her, or leave her stranded with three kids at Universal Studios, or go see a girlfriend on the weekends and lie about it, or threaten to divorce her every time you don't agree. Doing that will ensure that the universe will try to make it right by giving her the most wonderful man on the planet the minute she is away from you. Being married is so hard when the person you love is hateful at every opportunity. Does he genuinely miss us - well, probably. He is alone and he hates being alone almost as much as he loves money and things.
" of course things ar not going well for me.I truly miss my family........you and the children.I didn't want to get the divorce from about midway on to when you ask me to sign the final papers.I Signed because you wanted me to do so.I know you don't believe this ,but I love you and the children.I miss you guys every day. You should believe it because it is true.
You said if I would sign the papers, we would get together about a month later and talk. I surely looked forward to that day' but it has been three months since I last saw you.This is the first contact since you called me on 10/04/2004 and threatened me with arrest. I didn't get possession of the house till Nov.1st.Someone placed the keys on the kitchen table.I stayed away from the house just like you requested.Boy, that stuff outside was sure water soaked.
My short talk with your mom was pleasant. I'm not sure why she would paint it any other way.She said you didn't take a job out west.I find that hard to believe.You told me that you had a good opportunity at your old job out there. If indeed that is where you went, I sure wish I was there with you all.
I don't know where you are at, but it would really help my mental state if you would tell me. I really miss you guys in my life.I don't want to be divorced from you.
If you are still in Indiana, I will give you the house next door if it would help you to come back to me. I know that you are not at Arnett anymore.Like you wanted to do, you guys live in it and I would be next door. I wish we would have both tried that route as a last resort. I'm not sure we could have afforded it, but it would have been much better than what happened over the summer.
I am learning to look at the glass as being half full, instead of being half empty. I think that was one of my problems in dealing with stressful events. I am so sorry for the pain and trouble that I caused.
I am willing to do anything to have you back.I will even sell out everything and eventually move to where you are at. I know this is all foreign to you, but I have missed you all since May 1st and even more so since you left.
Please, let's start a dialog via this email address. you and the children are perhaps my last chance at happiness in raising a family.I now know what you were talking about when you said that the kids would be around for our old age.I want to regain their trust again.Christ promotes renewed beginnings.
I still type with two fingers, so you can guess how long it took to peck this out.Please take this serious. I don't want any trouble.......This is my first chance to tell you what is on my heart.
Some mail has come to the house. How can I get it to you. This is sad, but Blessed Sac. called and wanted our family to lit candles during the holiday season.That really tore up my heart.
Family is most important.I didn't handle mine well at all. I ask for God and you to forgive me....and give me another chance.Not another chance with someone else, but with you.
Please think about what I have said.We started out with many dreams and ideas. You helped me with the lose of my dad and job. Two of the most difficult things to deal with in life, besides losing a child.One of the dreams was going back to the reservation.I still want to do that with you now or in the future.Don't blow me off.I want to make things right before God, you and the kids.It is causing me much pain to not know what happened to you and where my family is at.
Please show mercy to me and write again.....I love you"
As an aferthought, I should include here that I sent a note back, telling him that I am not coming back and that absolution was between him and God now. I have forgiven, it is a requirement if I have the gall to call myself a Christian, but that doesn't mean I have to ever crawl back into that pit again.
Gentle Reader, if you love a woman, don't throw chili at her, or leave her stranded with three kids at Universal Studios, or go see a girlfriend on the weekends and lie about it, or threaten to divorce her every time you don't agree. Doing that will ensure that the universe will try to make it right by giving her the most wonderful man on the planet the minute she is away from you. Being married is so hard when the person you love is hateful at every opportunity. Does he genuinely miss us - well, probably. He is alone and he hates being alone almost as much as he loves money and things.
" of course things ar not going well for me.I truly miss my family........you and the children.I didn't want to get the divorce from about midway on to when you ask me to sign the final papers.I Signed because you wanted me to do so.I know you don't believe this ,but I love you and the children.I miss you guys every day. You should believe it because it is true.
You said if I would sign the papers, we would get together about a month later and talk. I surely looked forward to that day' but it has been three months since I last saw you.This is the first contact since you called me on 10/04/2004 and threatened me with arrest. I didn't get possession of the house till Nov.1st.Someone placed the keys on the kitchen table.I stayed away from the house just like you requested.Boy, that stuff outside was sure water soaked.
My short talk with your mom was pleasant. I'm not sure why she would paint it any other way.She said you didn't take a job out west.I find that hard to believe.You told me that you had a good opportunity at your old job out there. If indeed that is where you went, I sure wish I was there with you all.
I don't know where you are at, but it would really help my mental state if you would tell me. I really miss you guys in my life.I don't want to be divorced from you.
If you are still in Indiana, I will give you the house next door if it would help you to come back to me. I know that you are not at Arnett anymore.Like you wanted to do, you guys live in it and I would be next door. I wish we would have both tried that route as a last resort. I'm not sure we could have afforded it, but it would have been much better than what happened over the summer.
I am learning to look at the glass as being half full, instead of being half empty. I think that was one of my problems in dealing with stressful events. I am so sorry for the pain and trouble that I caused.
I am willing to do anything to have you back.I will even sell out everything and eventually move to where you are at. I know this is all foreign to you, but I have missed you all since May 1st and even more so since you left.
Please, let's start a dialog via this email address. you and the children are perhaps my last chance at happiness in raising a family.I now know what you were talking about when you said that the kids would be around for our old age.I want to regain their trust again.Christ promotes renewed beginnings.
I still type with two fingers, so you can guess how long it took to peck this out.Please take this serious. I don't want any trouble.......This is my first chance to tell you what is on my heart.
Some mail has come to the house. How can I get it to you. This is sad, but Blessed Sac. called and wanted our family to lit candles during the holiday season.That really tore up my heart.
Family is most important.I didn't handle mine well at all. I ask for God and you to forgive me....and give me another chance.Not another chance with someone else, but with you.
Please think about what I have said.We started out with many dreams and ideas. You helped me with the lose of my dad and job. Two of the most difficult things to deal with in life, besides losing a child.One of the dreams was going back to the reservation.I still want to do that with you now or in the future.Don't blow me off.I want to make things right before God, you and the kids.It is causing me much pain to not know what happened to you and where my family is at.
Please show mercy to me and write again.....I love you"
As an aferthought, I should include here that I sent a note back, telling him that I am not coming back and that absolution was between him and God now. I have forgiven, it is a requirement if I have the gall to call myself a Christian, but that doesn't mean I have to ever crawl back into that pit again.
Thursday, January 06, 2005
2004 Good Riddance
Last year brought domestic violence, sleeplessness, epilepsy, moving twice, ugly divorce, and cancer to my home. Nothing pleased me more than to be surrounded by people I loved watching the 2005 New Year begin. God only gives us what we can handle - and thankfully He has also given me the blessing of good friends and family to help me through what has been an unbelievable year. A couple of shining moments, though, made all the drama worthwhile...and more importantly, gave me hope that there could be a better life ahead.
So far this year has been pretty tame, the unnamed lump my dad has, found a name, and now we know what to do about it. That is a good start. This weekend we are headed to Florida to see the sun and walk along the ocean - seems like a good beginning to me.
Adapted from the "Social Readjustment Rating Scale" by Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe. This scale was first published in the "Journal of Psychosomatic Research", Copyright 1967, vol.II p. 214. It is used by permission of Pergamon Press Ltd.)
STRESS EVENT VALUE
DIVORCE - 60
SEPARATION FROM LIVING PARTNER - 60
SERIOUS PERSONAL INJURY OR ILLNESS - 45
MARITAL OR RELATIONSHIP RECONCILIATION - 40
CHANGE IN HEALTH OF IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBER - 40
CHANGE IN HEALTH OF IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBER - 40
WORK MORE THAN 40 HOURS PER WEEK - 35
GAIN OF NEW FAMILY MEMBER - 35
BUSINESS OR WORK ROLE CHANGE - 35
CHANGE IN FINANCIAL STATE - 35
CHANGE IN NUMBER OF ARGUMENTS WITH SPOUSE OR LIFE PARTNER - 30
SLEEP LESS THAN 8 HOURS PER NIGHT - 25
CHANGE IN RESPONSIBILITIES AT WORK - 25
TROUBLE WITH IN-LAWS, OR WITH CHILDREN - 25
CHANGE IN LIVING CONDITIONS (visitors in the home, change in roommates, remodeling house) - 20
CHANGE IN PERSONAL HABITS (diet, exercise, smoking, etc.) - 20
CHANGE IN WORK HOURS OR CONDITIONS- 15
MOVING TO NEW RESIDENCE - 15
CHANGE IN SCHOOLS - 15
CHANGE IN RELIGIOUS ACTIVITIES - 15
CHANGE IN SOCIAL ACTIVITIES (more or less than before) - 15
MINOR FINANCIAL LOAN - 10
CHANGE IN FREQUENCY OF FAMILY GET-TOGETHERS - 10
VACATION - 10
PRESENTLY IN WINTER HOLIDAY SEASON - 10
MINOR VIOLATION OF THE LAW - 5
TOTAL SCORE ____690_______________________
This should be enough to kill me - but instead, it seems to have forged a bond between the kids and I that is stronger than I had ever imagined.
So far this year has been pretty tame, the unnamed lump my dad has, found a name, and now we know what to do about it. That is a good start. This weekend we are headed to Florida to see the sun and walk along the ocean - seems like a good beginning to me.
Adapted from the "Social Readjustment Rating Scale" by Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe. This scale was first published in the "Journal of Psychosomatic Research", Copyright 1967, vol.II p. 214. It is used by permission of Pergamon Press Ltd.)
STRESS EVENT VALUE
DIVORCE - 60
SEPARATION FROM LIVING PARTNER - 60
SERIOUS PERSONAL INJURY OR ILLNESS - 45
MARITAL OR RELATIONSHIP RECONCILIATION - 40
CHANGE IN HEALTH OF IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBER - 40
CHANGE IN HEALTH OF IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBER - 40
WORK MORE THAN 40 HOURS PER WEEK - 35
GAIN OF NEW FAMILY MEMBER - 35
BUSINESS OR WORK ROLE CHANGE - 35
CHANGE IN FINANCIAL STATE - 35
CHANGE IN NUMBER OF ARGUMENTS WITH SPOUSE OR LIFE PARTNER - 30
SLEEP LESS THAN 8 HOURS PER NIGHT - 25
CHANGE IN RESPONSIBILITIES AT WORK - 25
TROUBLE WITH IN-LAWS, OR WITH CHILDREN - 25
CHANGE IN LIVING CONDITIONS (visitors in the home, change in roommates, remodeling house) - 20
CHANGE IN PERSONAL HABITS (diet, exercise, smoking, etc.) - 20
CHANGE IN WORK HOURS OR CONDITIONS- 15
MOVING TO NEW RESIDENCE - 15
CHANGE IN SCHOOLS - 15
CHANGE IN RELIGIOUS ACTIVITIES - 15
CHANGE IN SOCIAL ACTIVITIES (more or less than before) - 15
MINOR FINANCIAL LOAN - 10
CHANGE IN FREQUENCY OF FAMILY GET-TOGETHERS - 10
VACATION - 10
PRESENTLY IN WINTER HOLIDAY SEASON - 10
MINOR VIOLATION OF THE LAW - 5
TOTAL SCORE ____690_______________________
This should be enough to kill me - but instead, it seems to have forged a bond between the kids and I that is stronger than I had ever imagined.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Whining
Do you ever catch yourself whining about something in your life that isn't going how it should? It is so easy to get wrapped up in your own stuff that you lose perspective. Other than being constantly broke as a result of caring for three children, my life is going really well. My biggest problem is that I am in love with a fantastic man who balances out my impulsive nature by wanting to wait and feel sure before we commit to being with each other forever. Cannot believe I allowed myself to actually get upset about that!! Just eight months ago, I was fearing for my life and a psychotic man was stalking me and wanted to hurt my kids. A little perspective is required here.
This hit me today, when I went to see a patient who is 37, uses street drugs, has no insurance, and was just diagnosed with breast cancer which has metasticized to her spine and who knows where else. Beautiful woman, yourng woman, and I see that my life could have turned out much differently. In the face of the day she is having - anything I am upset about is just whining.
This hit me today, when I went to see a patient who is 37, uses street drugs, has no insurance, and was just diagnosed with breast cancer which has metasticized to her spine and who knows where else. Beautiful woman, yourng woman, and I see that my life could have turned out much differently. In the face of the day she is having - anything I am upset about is just whining.
Monday, January 03, 2005
Sure
Well, what in the world does that mean? How can you be sure of the choices that any person complete with free will is going to make? How can you guarantee that he or she won't have a nervous breakdown, or a car accident or a stroke and change the person you loved forever? What if depression sinks and and the person you loved never comes back to the life-filled person you now know? Life is full of curves and hairpin turns without warning signs. We have to keep our eyes open and grasp onto goodness when we find it.
It is only fair that I answer the "are you sure" question, since I seem to be the one so focused on it these days. The answer is yes, I am sure. Which then begs the question how do I know. Scripture says you may know about the character of something or someone by the fruit it bears. One look at my home and the transformation that has taken place in all of our lives gives the confirmation I need. The branches are heavy with ripe fruits of joy and love and hope. My kids are laughing, playing and singing, freely, in the knowledge that they are loved. They accept discipline from a man who is not their father, because they were loved first. There is music and laughter and light in a place that was darkness, there is hope of a new beginning, where despair used to live. There is peace in a family that feared death and was afraid to sleep in their own home.
How many times have we heard how good we are for each other - that each of us was rescued from ourselves as a result of the other? How many days have we had with just overwhelming gladness - not just that lonliness is gone, but that the words "I love you" are totally insufficient to describe the intensity of emotion wrapped up in that moment. When I have been unable to trust in anything else, on the day I had to pull my kids out of school, pack up my house and leave, in fear for our lives, I trusted in us. That is how I know.
It is only fair that I answer the "are you sure" question, since I seem to be the one so focused on it these days. The answer is yes, I am sure. Which then begs the question how do I know. Scripture says you may know about the character of something or someone by the fruit it bears. One look at my home and the transformation that has taken place in all of our lives gives the confirmation I need. The branches are heavy with ripe fruits of joy and love and hope. My kids are laughing, playing and singing, freely, in the knowledge that they are loved. They accept discipline from a man who is not their father, because they were loved first. There is music and laughter and light in a place that was darkness, there is hope of a new beginning, where despair used to live. There is peace in a family that feared death and was afraid to sleep in their own home.
How many times have we heard how good we are for each other - that each of us was rescued from ourselves as a result of the other? How many days have we had with just overwhelming gladness - not just that lonliness is gone, but that the words "I love you" are totally insufficient to describe the intensity of emotion wrapped up in that moment. When I have been unable to trust in anything else, on the day I had to pull my kids out of school, pack up my house and leave, in fear for our lives, I trusted in us. That is how I know.
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Hudini's daughters
I sent an email yesterday that sums up the cost of love
Two puppies from the Humane Society - $180
Reward for the lady who rescued the girls - $50
Horse fence to prevent climbing - $120
Extra collars and tags $30
Electric fence to prevent digging - $140
Bail from the pound $70
Having the girls home AGAIN - priceless
On the 19th Justin and I came home to find that the girls had once again vanished from the back yard. Chase was given, but the girls were too fast. I put another ad in the paper, made up more flyers and went by the pound again, only to find they had already closed for their Christmas party.
Christmas came and went, and there was no sign of the girls. I was afraid maybe they were lost - or that someone decided they were so cute they had to keep the girls. Monday came and Justin called me - the girls were on the Pound website - ready for adoption! On the way home from work, I picked up electric fence line - a task that will take a couple days work to install.
So today, I went with Jerra and we rescued the girls from the Hoosegow where they spent Christmas and missed all the great leftovers. I was prepared to pay out the $90 fee for boarding.
The staff knew the girls, seems they broke out of their kennel at the Pound as well. Made me feel better because these folks keep pens for a living!! The lady at the counter was kind, and since we had a poster there, she didn't charge me for the boarding fee.
Now they are back at home - safe and sound - and tonight I'll have the fence finished and they can have the run of the yard once again.
Two puppies from the Humane Society - $180
Reward for the lady who rescued the girls - $50
Horse fence to prevent climbing - $120
Extra collars and tags $30
Electric fence to prevent digging - $140
Bail from the pound $70
Having the girls home AGAIN - priceless
On the 19th Justin and I came home to find that the girls had once again vanished from the back yard. Chase was given, but the girls were too fast. I put another ad in the paper, made up more flyers and went by the pound again, only to find they had already closed for their Christmas party.
Christmas came and went, and there was no sign of the girls. I was afraid maybe they were lost - or that someone decided they were so cute they had to keep the girls. Monday came and Justin called me - the girls were on the Pound website - ready for adoption! On the way home from work, I picked up electric fence line - a task that will take a couple days work to install.
So today, I went with Jerra and we rescued the girls from the Hoosegow where they spent Christmas and missed all the great leftovers. I was prepared to pay out the $90 fee for boarding.
The staff knew the girls, seems they broke out of their kennel at the Pound as well. Made me feel better because these folks keep pens for a living!! The lady at the counter was kind, and since we had a poster there, she didn't charge me for the boarding fee.
Now they are back at home - safe and sound - and tonight I'll have the fence finished and they can have the run of the yard once again.
Sunday, December 26, 2004
adoption
What is it about belonging to someone that is so important? I have this early memory, whether real or imagined, of laying on my belly on my mother's lap. I was facing the middle of the bench seat in a car with turquoise carpet and seats. I remember looking at the carpet area and I remember vividly the exact shade of that carpet and the feeling that I was hot.
It was July when my parents took me home - I was born the beginning of June and went from the hospital to a foster home until the paperwork was completed. My folks had waited a long time to have kids, and endured the pain of several miscarriages. Then they took me in and we made up a family.
In September, we were ripped from our family. I have had to endure comments that perhaps we left too soon or overestimated the threat. I didn't. It was a terrible and difficult time and once again I found myself without a family.
Then one stepped in - and filled that void that is so necessary - someone to talk with, somewhere to go, something to do and someone who cares. It is a beautiful thing - how easily we have assimilated. Though at times we are still an oddity - rough around the edges, overall it has been a really good fit.
What a blessing it is, when I think of all the people this Christmas who are alone and want a family - it is a blessing to belong, a blessing to be adopted into another family in deed if not in name.
It was July when my parents took me home - I was born the beginning of June and went from the hospital to a foster home until the paperwork was completed. My folks had waited a long time to have kids, and endured the pain of several miscarriages. Then they took me in and we made up a family.
In September, we were ripped from our family. I have had to endure comments that perhaps we left too soon or overestimated the threat. I didn't. It was a terrible and difficult time and once again I found myself without a family.
Then one stepped in - and filled that void that is so necessary - someone to talk with, somewhere to go, something to do and someone who cares. It is a beautiful thing - how easily we have assimilated. Though at times we are still an oddity - rough around the edges, overall it has been a really good fit.
What a blessing it is, when I think of all the people this Christmas who are alone and want a family - it is a blessing to belong, a blessing to be adopted into another family in deed if not in name.
Friday, December 24, 2004
The joy of a big family
Last night the kids and I were invited, as guests of the extended family, to a gift exchange. The parents of this large family are charming and kind and made a point to come and welcome each of us as we came in. Similarly, Jake and MorMor did the same, introducing us, checking on how we were, making sure we got in line to eat.
But we are from a big family - we know to get in line early. Everything I have missed was there - the brothers gently teasing each other - playing with the nieces and nephews; the people who knew they were related but couldn't remember quite how; married brothers and their wives, each one more beautiful than the one before; and scores of kids - everywhere. There were points during the gift exchange that you could not move across the floor without stepping on a limb. The sisters bore the demeanor of my own aunts, laughing and tolerating the affection of thier brothers - even when it came in the form of teasing.
There were nearly forty people packed neatly into a beautiful family room complete with stone fireplace, bright candles, and high ceiling. Somehow we all seemed to fit -coziness that lent itself perfectly to talking to those around you in what seemed like an intimate setting for forty.
The noise level was another thing. Matriarchal rights allowed for the use of a cow bell to get the attention of all present - and made me think this was not the first time she had used THAT particular tactic to reign in six kids. Bitty thing, the mother. She certainly had the joy of a mother who is good at being the mother, but had recovered her figure so well you wouldn't guess there had been six kids. I noticed throughout the evening those who were not familiar with the joyful ear piercing noise that goes along with big families. They could be seen ducking outdoors into the 20degree night to reclaim some peace. I think I heard it described as "a lot of stimulation". For a big family junkie - it was heaven complete with honey baked ham and topped with spicy honey mustard.
So here is to the joys of big family - where there is room even for those who are related in spirit if not by blood or marriage. Thanks to God for providing comfort that comes with belonging.
But we are from a big family - we know to get in line early. Everything I have missed was there - the brothers gently teasing each other - playing with the nieces and nephews; the people who knew they were related but couldn't remember quite how; married brothers and their wives, each one more beautiful than the one before; and scores of kids - everywhere. There were points during the gift exchange that you could not move across the floor without stepping on a limb. The sisters bore the demeanor of my own aunts, laughing and tolerating the affection of thier brothers - even when it came in the form of teasing.
There were nearly forty people packed neatly into a beautiful family room complete with stone fireplace, bright candles, and high ceiling. Somehow we all seemed to fit -coziness that lent itself perfectly to talking to those around you in what seemed like an intimate setting for forty.
The noise level was another thing. Matriarchal rights allowed for the use of a cow bell to get the attention of all present - and made me think this was not the first time she had used THAT particular tactic to reign in six kids. Bitty thing, the mother. She certainly had the joy of a mother who is good at being the mother, but had recovered her figure so well you wouldn't guess there had been six kids. I noticed throughout the evening those who were not familiar with the joyful ear piercing noise that goes along with big families. They could be seen ducking outdoors into the 20degree night to reclaim some peace. I think I heard it described as "a lot of stimulation". For a big family junkie - it was heaven complete with honey baked ham and topped with spicy honey mustard.
So here is to the joys of big family - where there is room even for those who are related in spirit if not by blood or marriage. Thanks to God for providing comfort that comes with belonging.
Sunday, December 05, 2004
Ill Winds
It is hard to say how it creeps in, seems like wind almost - one minute you are standing in the kitchen, warm, then a chill comes through a crack in the door frame - or through a light switch. Sometimes, without realizing it- I react to things that are said and to situations like the Ogre is still here. Funny how long the brainwashing can last. About a week ago, I was talking to Justin about phone messages, I told him I didn't listen to his phone messages, that they were private. When we lived with the Ogre, we stopped listening to messages because sometimes they got erased, or sometimes he didn't get them in a timely manner, so in the house I used as my permanent address, I didn't listen to the answering machine. He was astounded - I was still living under Ogre-rule and didn't catch myself.
There are times when I catch myself concerned that if he sees my faults and the faults of my kids, he will pull away from me in disgust. I have rushed through the house picking things up - or tidied a mess that someone else should have cleaned in an effort to defray an Ogre's rage that doesn't even exist in this life. I worry about being a burden, about wearing out my welcome, about "pulling my weight". Silly that a grown woman could let herself become so entrenched in trying to stay out of trouble, trying to avoid a confrontation, that the whole way of thinking changes. I obey rules that I would never expect anyone else to adhere to. I have conditioned myself from Ogre rule to work until I cannot move another muscle and to expect that it will not be enough. That I will not be enough.
And yet, he is here each day, and he reassures me that I am enough and that what I do is appreciated. I had the odd discussion tonight with my kids that Justin has been more of a father to them than any of their fathers have been - taking us as a part of his family even when we were at our worst, assuming a husband's burden though he is no obligated to do that at all. There is no greater love than to lay down your life for a friend - giving up all you hold dear: quiet and privacy and personal space - never mind the added financial burden of adding a family-size utility bill. Funny that he thinks I do so much for him and for his life, and yet I think I'm the lucky one. I have kissed enough frogs to know that men like this don't come along more than once in a lifetime.
There are times when I catch myself concerned that if he sees my faults and the faults of my kids, he will pull away from me in disgust. I have rushed through the house picking things up - or tidied a mess that someone else should have cleaned in an effort to defray an Ogre's rage that doesn't even exist in this life. I worry about being a burden, about wearing out my welcome, about "pulling my weight". Silly that a grown woman could let herself become so entrenched in trying to stay out of trouble, trying to avoid a confrontation, that the whole way of thinking changes. I obey rules that I would never expect anyone else to adhere to. I have conditioned myself from Ogre rule to work until I cannot move another muscle and to expect that it will not be enough. That I will not be enough.
And yet, he is here each day, and he reassures me that I am enough and that what I do is appreciated. I had the odd discussion tonight with my kids that Justin has been more of a father to them than any of their fathers have been - taking us as a part of his family even when we were at our worst, assuming a husband's burden though he is no obligated to do that at all. There is no greater love than to lay down your life for a friend - giving up all you hold dear: quiet and privacy and personal space - never mind the added financial burden of adding a family-size utility bill. Funny that he thinks I do so much for him and for his life, and yet I think I'm the lucky one. I have kissed enough frogs to know that men like this don't come along more than once in a lifetime.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
Redeeming the Flesh
For most of my life my body has been the bad guy. It had craved Taco Bell and candy bars, it has craved male company, it has fallen short in both shape and athleticism. It bears teh outward scars of a life lived the hard way - definitely the bad guy.
My brain knew - even back in June that Justin is someone special. I didn't know that first night - though I understood this was different from anything I had ever experienced before. Something inexplicable made me want to stand close to him, to be able to smell the scent of soap and salt from the heat. I had withdrawl when I drove home and couldn't think of anything else but the twinkle in his eyes as he talked about nothing in particular.
There was that evening by the waterfall in the pool when I told him I knew what "this" was, as though I had some crystal ball which could fortell the importance of our meeting. But my body knew.
Nestled in the crook of his shoulder, I can breathe. No matter what the day is like, I can breathe there, I am safe there.
I hold him, putting my head on his shoulder and at once I am transported from the cares of the day and I feel like I can handle anything - that there are two of us.
Feeling the heat in his hands as the hold mine to warm me up reminds me that not only am I a mother, chaufer, nurse, housekeeper and cook - I am also a woman who loves a man who loves her back. Think of the miracle in that. Someone who loves you back.
My body understands that - recognizes that, and knows that he is the one. I believe that is why the touch of his hands or his kiss on my forehead centers me - brings me back to peace and reminds me of what is truly important.
The mind can play tricks, but the body has a recongnition that is keyed into the very cells and though my mind may have doubts, my body does not. So I live to drift off to dream in your arms....
My brain knew - even back in June that Justin is someone special. I didn't know that first night - though I understood this was different from anything I had ever experienced before. Something inexplicable made me want to stand close to him, to be able to smell the scent of soap and salt from the heat. I had withdrawl when I drove home and couldn't think of anything else but the twinkle in his eyes as he talked about nothing in particular.
There was that evening by the waterfall in the pool when I told him I knew what "this" was, as though I had some crystal ball which could fortell the importance of our meeting. But my body knew.
Nestled in the crook of his shoulder, I can breathe. No matter what the day is like, I can breathe there, I am safe there.
I hold him, putting my head on his shoulder and at once I am transported from the cares of the day and I feel like I can handle anything - that there are two of us.
Feeling the heat in his hands as the hold mine to warm me up reminds me that not only am I a mother, chaufer, nurse, housekeeper and cook - I am also a woman who loves a man who loves her back. Think of the miracle in that. Someone who loves you back.
My body understands that - recognizes that, and knows that he is the one. I believe that is why the touch of his hands or his kiss on my forehead centers me - brings me back to peace and reminds me of what is truly important.
The mind can play tricks, but the body has a recongnition that is keyed into the very cells and though my mind may have doubts, my body does not. So I live to drift off to dream in your arms....
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