This isn't for sissies - or for people who want to do something easy to fix the mess their marriage has become. It is for people who want one more chance - who believe in love - who believe that there is no gain in life without pain preceding it. We are so quick to walk out and look for the bigger better deal. Perhaps it is as Reverand Graham says: God is trying to teach you something about your life and your character through your marriage.
Three weeks ago we finally got some insight into what was going on in our household and found that it was not anything that some medication wouldn't help. So the medication started. And there was hope again.
Then there was what looked like secrecy - thus the post below. Big walls I have built- and scaling them will not be easy. Remember the fortress around your heart song - Sting sang it back when I was still young and thin. Seems like that is where we are right now.
The day I wrote that I prayed for peace. Lord when will there be peace in my life...
And I heard one of the producers of the Fireproof movie talk about how it was working miracles in people's lives. I made the choice to get the Love Dare book. The first bookstore didn't have it. I had the choice to skip it and just go home. But I didn't, I stopped at a second store and they had dozens of copies. I got one for me and one for Justin. Forty days of lessons - forty days of opportunity to make it work. And for a moment I debated whether it was worth the $14 for the books. I bought them and prayed that I would be much stronger than I think I am - at least strong enough to see how much of my own crap (and don't we all have our own crap) was getting in the way of making peace in the house. Not a task for sissies. On the way out of the store there were two rainbows to the east, which seemed to follow me all the way home. I believe it was a confirmation that I was doing the right thing - maybe it was just a coincidence, but I don't believe in coincidence - I believe in a God who likes to let me know when I am headed the right way.
We started the book - and I was still hesitant. Anyone who has been reading has seen the great descent of the past three years. It has not been pretty. But we know that there are three things that last - faith, hope and love - and the greatest of these is love. See, to me faith has never been a cafeteria-style thing - either you believe in Him and what he says to be true - the miracle of forgiveness - the miracle of a loving God who knows who I really am and STILL loves me- the blessing of redemption - or you don't. If I believe all of those things are true for me- and my life has certainly borne them out - then they are true for all the people God loves - even if I am miffed at them.
So a week into the book, my heart is changing - I am feeling more hopeful. There is the outside possibility that I may even be able to let my guard down enough to be in love again - still working on that one. At the very least I will feel like I have given everything I have to salvage my marriage and keep the promise I made - and we could go in peace. At best we could have what the counselor suggested - a new marriage with the same two people - and best of all - PEACE.
