Spe Salvi

Marriage is a very difficult thing for some of us. Be it a strong will or an overabundance of romantic ideation - the day to day acceptance of a life that has fallen short of my expectations is often hard to bear - feeling hopeless and pointless and a dozen other lesses.

When Dad passed away, I stopped going to church. I didn't blame God exactly, it is just that everything about the Mass reminded me of him. It took months before I could sit through Mass without tearing up.

I am going again - and God is hearing me a lot more often - but my heart still feels calloused - like I just can't take any more pain - like there is an aspect of staying married that I fear - well no kidding - I am afraid of getting hurt again. But fear is the absence of faith.

Last night I was doing some reading for CCD class and I came across a Papal Encyclical. I thought I'd post it here - as much for me as for anyone else - to remind me that in all things there is hope.


ENCYCLICAL LETTER SPE SALVI OF THE SUPREME PONTIFFBENEDICT XVI TO THE BISHOPS PRIESTS AND DEACONS MEN AND WOMEN RELIGIOUS AND ALL THE LAY FAITHFUL ON CHRISTIAN HOPE

Introduction
1. “SPE SALVI facti sumus”—in hope we were saved, says Saint Paul to the Romans, and likewise to us (Rom 8:24). According to the Christian faith, “redemption”—salvation—is not simply a given. Redemption is offered to us in the sense that we have been given hope, trustworthy hope, by virtue of which we can face our present: the present, even if it is arduous, can be lived and accepted if it leads towards a goal, if we can be sure of this goal, and if this goal is great enough to justify the effort of the journey. Now the question immediately arises: what sort of hope could ever justify the statement that, on the basis of that hope and simply because it exists, we are redeemed? And what sort of certainty is involved here?

Back to my roots

I had to get a new car - a Jeep to be more exact - and one of the perks is that I get a year of free satellite radio. This morning I heard the most interesting commentary on the Catholic channel. Don't let that steer you away - it was interesting.



The commentator said we are at war - and not just in the many places around the world. We are in teh midst of a spiritual war. The objective is clear - stay on your path, avoid sin, be pious, be holy, and get to heaven, bringing as many with you as you can. If we fail the ramifications are far worse than those prison camps we still hear about from Vietnam - there is loss and sorrow and despair and Hell isn't a short term prison - it is for eternity.

Can you mend a broken heart? I don't think our company makes those.

I remember several years ago during that long stretch that I was alone raising three kids, listening to Dr Dobson on the radio talking about how love works. I though it was very profound when he described it like a flowering plant. He said love needed water and light and nourishment to keep growing. Like any plant, it can take a bit of difficulty - cold spells, drought and even some tough storms. If those things come to close together and there isn't time to recover, the plant starts to die - even if it wants to stay living very very badly.

No one, least of all me, wants to see a litany of the substantial loss we incurred last year. And yet those who ignore their history are bound to repeat it. I'm tired of the same mistakes and am moving closer to accepting that my mom may in fact be correct - that I am too strong willed to be married to someone.

I have tried to keep positive, be supportive, be the strong one - but there is only so long you can go without water - only so long you can hold up those branches without support. Pretty soon you start doing more and more on your own, telling yourself that once again you stink at being a wife. If I were any good at it he would rise to the occasion - at least that is what people have said - be supportive, be kind, cover things until he is able. I inflict the pain on myself in addition to that which is left to me. The days drag on and the work piles up- dishes in need of washing - a carport still stacked with crap - clothes not put away from the wash three weeks ago - and the worse it gets the further away I pull.

There is the inability to do what I do by nature - encourage, forgive, laugh - like my hydrangeas during the drought who kept trying to bloom only to have those beautiful attempts at blue flowers come out pale and brown way too soon. It seems that whatever I do to try to get back to that relationship I thought I had - to get back to where love exist and trust and honesty prevail - well those attmepts seem to just make it worse. I am always apologizing and after so much loss, I cannot be left again. When things don't go well, it is easier to just pull up roots and run.

That is what I am good at - starting over.

So for this moment, I give up. Whatever force in the universe has deemed that I should never love someone who loves me back - who laughs at the cruel joke of breaking my heart once again - well you win. I am so so tired and apparently I am not ever going to be enough and whateveI have tried is futile. So laugh your ass off cruel fate, I will no longer be your victim.
I will be mother to three beautiful children, I will come home, play mother for 6 hours after working the last 10 and I will go to sleep alone - never again feeling the comfort of a man. I will be good to my patients, I will go feed the homeless on Saturday and give my time to the Church on Sunday and hope will not be taken from me.