Poor little thing...

Today has been crammed with that word - over and over again. Weird

First, Justin was sick Last night, so this morning I got up early for animal duty, and then went off to work. Before I went, I stopped in to talk to Jerra, where I mentioned that he had been up most of the night, poor little thing.

Then coming back from my fish-for lunch trip, I got in the left hand lane to turn into work, only to be clipped by a 17 year old girl driving her dad's BMW and making an illegal left hand turn. She looked like she might lose it any minute, and it just broke my heart. Poor little thing. She reminded me a lot of Bear, and I just felt so bad for her. Scared her to death.

The saddest part, when her dad showed up and apologized to me, he said she had "issues" Stunned, I replied that I had babies the same age - and that all kids these days have some issues. I told him I was fine and that it was an innocent mistake. Thinking to myself "this man just told a total stranger that his daughter had problems - odds are her issues are that her dad is focused on money and lets a 17 year old drive a BMW".

I arrived back at the office, tried to salvage some fish that wasn't soaked by ice water when the wreck happened and relaxed for a minute.

Then my patient showed up. A pretty lady who has had gestational diabetes twice now, and would have to start using insulin. The longer she talked, the more I could tell there was something else. It seems that in an effort to encourage her compliance, someone told her that the high sugars would kill her unborn child..... yea, I'll give that a minute to sink in.

Suffice it to say that what should have taken an hour took about 90 minutes and she was terrified - poor little thing. In the end it all worked out.

Now, I tend to be blunt - honest, but blunt when I talk to people about diabetes (got diabetes, send me a note and I'll tell you) but why in the world do people assume that just because someone speaks Spanish they are stupid? Why would you scare a woman like that - into not sleeping, not eating, feeling like she is keeping a terrible truth from her husband - it was just plain wrong and will warrant a conversation from me when I have cooled off a bit. Scare tactics are barbaric and they don't' do anything but carve years off a person life. No excuse to behave that way - not when there is good clinical evidence to back up recommendations instead.

Faithfulness

We - actually I can't speak for anyone else, I am struggling a bit - pressures at work, pressure at home, always another person in need of my time, Justin's struggle to find work, Bear at work, finding a college and trying to be a grown up, Josh trying to find his place in the world and Jake, blessed by just enough ADHD distraction that he doesn't notice the struggle. O blessed peace.

With the money we got from our wedding, we intended to get a bed. I had picked out a really great one with teh curtains that go around it. But each time I went to teh store to pick it up somethign was wrong. Until the last trip where I was informed they no longer were making that bed and I couldn't buy one. It would have run us about $400 - but it was a nice investment.

Well, months have passed, and other needs presented themselves - the money has been spent on a new gas stove - and the mattress and box springs remained on the floor.

Until yesterday. On the hospital bulletin board there was an ad for a mission style bedframe for $75. I called the gentleman, and he told me he had already arranged to sell it to someone else.

About 30 minutes later, while pushing my Home D*pot cart, he called me back and gave me directions. As an aside, he may be a great nurse, but he sucked at directions. I turned around at least four times on the long and deserted road to his house. Just thankful he wasn't an axe murder.

The frame is beautiful - solid pine which is lighter than the rest of our furniture - but it'll do in a pinch.

So last night at 9:45 we put our bed together. It was sturdy and clean and fit just perfectly in between our nightstands.

And I slept better than I have in months on a new bed...our new bed...and life is good.

Garden frustrations

Can I bend your ear for a moment and express my utter frustration with my inability to get outside and work to clear the land for my garden? I ahve it picked out. I have cut five bruch piles which are nearly 5 feet highWeeks and weeks have gone my and still there is brush covering the area I intended to use for my garden. Afternoons are in the 70s here, the sun in shining - I need to get my plants in. But the soil continues to rest and I am frustrated by this.

There are days that I miss being mom to one bitty kid and setting my own schedule. Now it seems there are too many things to do - adn no one else has time to help get the garden ready.

So for today I am whining - but by Easter the area will be cleared and planted - don't come through my kitchen though, I am giving up dishwashing in lieu of cutting more brush!

The human family

We are all brothers in Christ" How many times have I heard that in church. There are people of all faiths who like to be exclusive - thinking they are the only ones with "The Answer" but I was always taught that God loved us and made us brothers in Christ whether one is a believer or not. There is a lot of debate about immigration these days. These folks are dear to my heart because every day at work I see people from other countries who have given up a lot to be here. They value America, they want to become American, they want to live the dream.

The following is the proposal on the table for new immigration laws.

"The panels bill would allow the estimated 11 million illegal immigrants in this country to apply for a work visa after paying back taxes and a penalty. (Let us note that the prospect of paying back taxes and a penalty doesn't hold much appeal, accept for those people who want to be here legally or who want to do the right thing without the risk of being shipped back) The first three-year visa could be renewed for three more years. After four years, visa holders could apply for green cards and begin moving toward citizenship. ( This says apply, not that the cards will automatically be granted. These folks will at least be registered and in the incredibly flawed system already. This gives them a shot at becoming a citizen.) An additional 400,000 such visas would be offered each year to workers seeking to enter the country. (All I can say here is that it is about damned time. If we invade your country - or someone else commits genocide, you become a "refugee" enabling you to enter the states more easily - not with ease mind you, just more easily. It still might take us five years to get to you if you are still alive. In the mean time, we will send billions in supplies which some rebel faction will use for army rations. We take refuges from Kosvo, Bosnia, Afghanistan, Iraq, Vietnam, Cuba and a couple of other countries. However, if you just want a better life for you and your family, you'll have to wait it out with all those other people, regardless of your country situation.)

Senators also accepted a proposal by Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) that would offer 1.5 million illegal farmworkers a "blue card" visa that would legalize their status. (Again, if you do not offer a compromise, why would these folks identify themselves. There are plenty of false documents and places to hide - odds are they would never be found and actually deported. Look at all the folks we found with expired visas after 9-11. The committee also accepted a provision by Sen. Richard J. Durbin (D-Ill.) that would shield humanitarian organizations from prosecution for providing more than simple emergency aid to illegal immigrants, rejecting an amendment by Sen. John Cornyn (R-Tex.) to require humanitarian groups providing food, medical aid and advice to illegal immigrants to register with the Department of Homeland Security." as reported by the Washington Post ( red commentary mine)

I have seen first hand what migrant farm workers deal with, when they work their butts off for minimum wages - no health care, no way to make things right, sending money back to their families in Mexico until they can move them here. I refuse to believe that selling everything you have to try to get into America makes someone a criminal. The African American, Anglo American, Hispanic, and Oriental idiots who form gangs and terrorize people - they are criminals. I am not naive enough to think that everyone who crosses our borders does it with the American dream in hand. Look at the Italian Mafia, look at Chinatown, look at the ghettos and Columbian drug lords and former Russian Mafioso - you don't have to look far to see the dregs of humanity in search of a quick buck in America.

But to deport 11 million immigrants, roughly a small state, is throwing out the wheat with the chaff. We cannot begin to see how many people we have "undocumented" if there is no way for those people to come forward in amnesty. And good luck catching up with the undocumented workers. NPR had an interview with a set of Texas farmers who rely on immigrant labor. They have devised a system to hide workers as the border patrol comes from place to place in search of them. These guys are otherwise law abiding citizens - and they would like to see an amnesty program to eliminate the need to operate clandestinely.

The Catholic church has long been the church of immigrants in the States - Italians, Swedes, Irish, Papist Scots - all those folks who were sent here as punishment for their crimes in Europe - and now those from Central and South America. Catholics make up fully half of all the Christians in the world - so we take our responsibility to care for immigrants pretty seriously. The Bishops have put together a letter informing people of the current congressional discussion and urging action. The letter can be found here. Most importantly, we are reminded that these immigrants are people - with families and futures and hearts and souls. In my system of belief, they are to be treated with dignity - to be treated as I would want to be treated - to be offered hope and forgiveness should that be necessary.

It seems to me that in a country that pays zillions of dollars to research the effects of cheese and make up a better tasting beef stew for Army rations, we could divert cash to taking care of our own people - but we bitch about spending anything on people. A lot of folks believe that if a person needs something he or she should have to earn it, but don't even flinch when a public building goes up that costs millions of dollars. Personal opinion here - if you think there should never be a handout, you have been blessed enough to never need one. You should thank God and stop whining about people who need - lest you become one of them someday and have to spend a day in their shoes. It sucks.

I love my country, don't get me wrong. But I have worked at enough places providing indigent care which have shown me that we marginalize people - make assumptions about their mental health, or motivation, or laziness, without knowing what the real story is. Our government systems are flawed and people get lost - and lose hope. There are people who abuse the system, but this bill isn't about those folks. They aren't going to go for amnesty - they are going to keep behaving badly in the shadows. It is about the other people who really want to be here - who want to contribute to the society legitimately.

So in honor of my great great grandfather Jacob from Ireland, who came by way of Ellis Islandwithout preapproval of the American government and lost three children here, worked as a boilermaker and raised two children who in turn raised seven more - I will continue to support the right of immigrants - because five generations ago we were the Irish - who had to go to the "other" Catholic church.

What are we doing here?

This weekend was full of that question.

I went to an arena football game, a day early, and got caught up in Sweet Sixteen traffic downtown. Yep - that question arises.

Then I struggled with losing two more baby goats - what are we doing wrong - what am I missing.

We rushed back from the actual game to get to Mass, and there are times when I feel like I am dragging the other members of the family - but it is the right thing.

And it came to me - what we are doing here, that is. Love. That is our job, it is the first commandment and for good reason Love one another as I have loved you. I don't think that was an accident.

The new pope wrote an Encyclical, which is like a HUGE term paper, about the love of God. Father talked about it last night in his sermon. He also urged us to be the nation we profess to be on the Statue of Liberty - bring me your tired and weary and downtrodden.

We are here to comfort, like the lady in Oregon who sent me an email when I posted to the listserv for goats - offering the consolation that we had done everything right.

Like the chance I had to tell a friend that forgiveness is always out there, and no one has done "too" much. God's love for us is a reckless raging furious illogical love - so why should our love for each other be any less. Who has the right to say someone is no longer worth the trouble - luckily no one said that to me when I was in that dark place, so not me, and not today.

So today - take a minute and tell people how important they are to you - share your love.

Lora's Life

My friend has a blog which was snooped - so we have moved her to an undisclosed location.

If you follow Lora's Life - send me an e-mail and I'll tell you where she went!

On being a goat herder

Here are a few pictures of Luke and Leia. Luke, who is blonde, and Leia who is dark, are now a whole day old.

NOthing is more charming than watching them nibble at my pant leg, looking for more food - or wiggling that tail furiously while they eat.

And as a bonus to all of it, here is a picture of Josh, who is way too cool to like all the animal that we have at our house - snuggled up with Luke in the hallway last night.

Days go by

Who knew that yesterday would be such an earthshaker.

First, I got a call from my mom. Seems the oncologist informed them yesterday that the average lifespan for someone who has done the Rituxin and Zevulin is only about two years.

Which means my dad may only have two years left. Two years. It isn't enough time.

I am trying not to think about it - but a part of me just keeps repeating it over and over in my head and there is nothing I dislike more than a problem that I can't fix.

More about that later - though it definitely cements the need to spend more time seeing my folks.

In other news, our friend Amber called yesterday, she has a Nigerian Dwarf goat who had twins at 2pm, and no milk.

So at 6pm yesterday, in the Kroger parking lot, we became the proud parents of Luke and Leia. They are 2 and 1.5 pounds respectively and we fed them every two hours. Correction, Justin fed them every two hours like clockwork all night long. Hopefully today he can catch a nap - you know, sleep when the baby sleeps.

Pictures to be posted after work - or if he can't sleep - but nothing better than holding a new baby in your arms - nothing short of miraculous.

Update: He couldn't sleep so here are a couple of shots of Luke and Leia.

Realization

Much as I would like to still be the girl that could stay up all night long - last night I discovered that I need to eat dinner and be in bed way before midnight.

We went to see Tammy at a Moroccan restaurant last night. She had her public belly dancing debut - and she was great. Some day maybe I will be able to get back to classes - but that is another story.

There were several amateur groups who danced, women of all colors and shapes and ages, and they are all beautiful. Lots of shimmery costumes and coin wraps. I did see a pair of harem pants that I am going to duplicate so that if I ever do get backto class, I can wear them.
The main dancer, who gets paid to do this, was astounding - moving with such grace - even when doing the more complicated dances with fire and a sword. Very impressive. Tammy knew her and she spent considerable time shaking what the good Lord gave her just above Tammy's husband - but it was all in good fun. Seriously, if I had a nice flat belly again, I would SO wear that little outfit.

We waited until Tammy's group was done dancing - which meant we didn't order until after 9, and between being seated at 7 and dinnertime, we enjoyed a couple of drinks. tempting to have a third, but the idea of teaching class this morning hung over was distateful enough that it won out over the desire for another drink. I has something called a Marakesh - which had strawberry liquor and Grand Mariner. Justin found a drink with sambuca - and it tasted like a licorice jelly bean - very dangerous.

Moroccan food is just wonderful - lots of sweet cinnamon dishes, several well spiced savory salads and dinner was cornish hen with almonds and honey and carmelized onions - and some spices I couldn't identify. Fresh Baklava finished the meal - nothing like the stuff I have been getting at the store - with phyllo and walnuts so fresh they were still crunchy. The remainder is on tap for lunch today.

By the time we finished dinner with our morrocan mint tea and fruit compote, it was nearly midnight. It was a long drive home - note to self: don't get in deep discussions on the way home after eating late and consuming two drinks.

This morning - I NEED A NAP really badly - but instead I am getting ready to teach class. Hope I can crank it up!

Made my day

This morning a rep who comes to see us about once a month, came into the office. It just so happens that he also calls on the place where I applied to be the program director about a month ago - you know - the one where I was all excited and then didn't get the job offer.

What I didn't know was that one of the people who interviewed me - works with him. And I thought she was really tough - the one person I didn't impress -and instead, I found out she really liked me and wanted them to hire me. How cool is that?

Now I have accepted that I may not, in fact, ever get that job, but it really felt good to know that my perception of how great those folks are - and what a good vibe I got from them was mutual.

You just never know.

Restless

I don't know if it is the season - or the job - or the trip to Indiana - or just my need for change, but I'm restless again.

I am struggling - with worry, with decisions about whether or not we are doing the right thing - whether or not this is the right place - whether I want to stay where I am - or if moving back to Indiana would be a blessing.

They are building the hospital that was cancelled months before I left - and there will be more opportunities there. I could find 5 or 10 acres and maybe even an old farm house in the school district where the kids were before.

We drove by the Ogre's place, and it seems that he has moved - hard to tell if that is permanent, but if he were gone, moving back home would be even more tempting.

Or I could bloom where I am planted and keep the kids stable where they are - which is probably what I will end up doing.

But after going home this time, I realize that I miss it and now I am restless. Man, I hate that.

"Holy Shit"

Yes, that is exactly what my mom said when she realized that not only was I on the phone with her, but that I was actually in Reihle Brothers, right in front of her. We left VERY early( read alarme going off at 4am) yesterday to surprise my mom and got to the pub just in time.

It was a long drive, the boys forgot the converter to the Playstation - so you can imagine the joy of driving 10 hours.

We did stop off for a phenomenal lunch at Arbys - since we had dispensation for St. Patrick's day and it is amazing that a good lunch can cover a multitude of trials during the day.

Then the pub - bigpipers, a boxing match in the back area of the bar, pool tables, darts and a wealth of relatives and thier kids. It was just spendid. I had corned beef, new potatoes and cabbage - and it was grand. Thank God that I married a man who tolerates my impulsivity - it seems to be working out.

My dad did a good job with the surprise, calling me once we got up to Buffalo to see if I was on my way, and pretending it was one of his tutoring students. Pretty funny.

Bear stayed behind this trip - to feed and water the animals and to work - but she was missed.

After a breakfast of blueberry pancakes and bacon, we are back home this afternoon. It was a flying trip - but totally worth the effort. Hope your St Pats was spelndid!

Saint Patrick - the Man behind the Myth

Saint Patrick of Ireland
Died 460-464
March 17
Also known as: Maewyn Succat; Apostle of Ireland; Patricius; Patrizio Profile Kidnapped from the British mainland around age 16, and shipped to Ireland as a slave. Sent to the mountains as a shepherd, he spent his time in prayer. After six years of this life, he had a dream in which he received a command to return to Britain; seeing it as a sign, he escaped. Studied in continental monasteries. Priest. Bishop. Sent by Pope Saint Celestine to evangelize England, then Ireland, during which his chariot driver was Saint Odran, and Saint Jarlath was one of his spiritual students. In 33 years he effectively converted Ireland. In the Middle Ages Ireland became known as the Land of Saints, and during the Dark Ages its monasteries were the great repositories of learning in Europe, all a consequence of Patrick's ministry.
Born: 387-390 at Scotland as Maewyn Succat
Died: 461-464 at Saul, County Down, Ireland
Canonized: Pre-Congregation
Name Meaning: warlike (Succat - pagan birth name); noble (Patricius - baptismal name) Patronage: against snakes, archdiocese of Boston Massachusetts, diocese of Burlington Vermont, engineers, excluded people, fear of snakes, diocese of Fort Worth, Texas, diocese of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, Ireland, archdiocese of New York, Nigeria, diocese of Norwich, Connecticut, diocese of Portland, Maine, diocese of Sacramento, California, snake bites

Representation: bishop driving snakes before him; bishop trampling on snakes; shamrock; snakes; cross; harp; demons; baptismal font

Saint Patrick used the shamrock to describe the trinity as three parts making up one whole.

Readings: I came to the Irish people to preach the Gospel and endure the taunts of unbelievers, putting up with reproaches about my earthly pilgrimage, suffering many persecutions, even bondage, and losing my birthright of freedom for the benefit of others. If I am worthy, I am ready also to give up my life, without hesitation and most willingly, for Christ's name. I want to spend myself for that country, even in death, if the Lord should grant me this favor. It is among that people that I want to wait for the promise made by him, who assuredly never tells a lie. He makes this promise in the Gospel: "They shall come from the east and west and sit down with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob." This is our faith: believers are to come from the whole world.
from the Confession of Saint Patrick

Prayer of Saint Patrick from his Breastplate
Christ shield me this day:
Christ with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ in me,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every person who thinks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in the ear that hears me

I miss my friend

I have a friend of nearly 12 years who doesn't call me back anymore.

I am not sure exactly what happened, or why she doesn't call me, but a post I read yesterday about a friend who offered to help her friend who was in an abusive relationship - and then was cut off - reminded me about this situation.

She is a great person, who often times doesn'e see her worth. She got married several years ago to a man that I like, but their relationship has not been healthy for a long time and I think she settled.

The last time I talked to her was back in September. She had needed $500, and I sent it to her as she assured me it was a loan. You should never loan money to a friend, always give it with the expectation that it is gone. This is not the first time I have given her money, and frankly, I don't even know how much money is involved anymore. But that isn't really the point.

I think that she is upset because I asked her to call Dan-the-Ogre's house to make sure that he was in Indiana. We had a couple of goats who were shot, and I was afraid that he had found us. There was no way I was going to risk being found out, if he hadn't already found us, so I asked her to call from Indianapolis. She never did - and I left her a message and told her that it really hurt me.

So whether it is the debt - or the fact that I asked her to do something uncomfortable - or something I still don't understand - she won't return my calls.

Morning...

I had quite the night - after teaching insulin pump patients, we usually talk to them a couple of times throughout the night - checking in at midnight and 3am. So I stayed up until midnight - and woke again at 3:30 and for some unknown reason again at 5:30. Dang it.

Needless to say, I was not the most alert girl this morning - and I left my wallet on the couch.

Kind of hard to buy lunch when you leave your wallet on the couch!

So I called home and got a sleepy Bear - I love, by the way, that at 18 she still says I love you when she hangs up the phone. I am one lucky girl.

Then, my husband calls, God bless him. "Do you want me to bring you Bubba's" It takes my wee brain only a second to say a resounding yes. Thank you Lord, for Your gift of Chicken biscuits and Diet Coke.

By 8:30 I have had my biscuit( actually I ate teh chicken, skipped the biscuit - all that white flour and carbs), checked in on all my pump patients both of whom did beautifully, and decided that I will probably take Friday morning off since I don't have any patients - just to putter around the house a bit.

As a side note, we rented Just Friends, a movie I loved in the theater. I will say that it is not my normal fare - there is a language issue - so unfortunately I can't let Jake watch it. But the movie is based on the collective lives of three guys, all of whom were in love with a girl who wanted them to just be friends. If you have ever been in the friend zone - you will appreciate the humor. Get the DVD version and watch the special features - I laughed so hard that I was crying. What a funny show - since the story is so easy to identify with.

Come over and play

The quiz from my mom - Just what I needed today - I'll have to find some more fun things to do - I have done most all of these already! Leave me a comment if you playe along. Place an X by all the things you've done, or remove
the x from the ones you have not.
This is for your entire life:

(x )Smoked a cigarette....
(x) Drank so much you threw up
( ) Crashed a friend's car
( ) Stolen a car
(x) Been in lust
( X) Been dumped.
( X) danced alone
(x) Been laid off/fired
(x) Quit your job
( X) Been in a fist fight
( X ) Snuck out of your parent's house
(X ) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
(X ) Been arrested?
(X ) Gone on a blind date
(X ) Lied to a friend.
( X ) Skipped school
( X ) Seen someone die
(x ) Been to Canada
(x ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Been lost
(X ) Been on the opposite side of the country
() Gone to Washington, DC
(x) Swam in the ocean
(X ) Felt like dying
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x ) Played cops and robbers
(x) Recently colored with crayons
( X) Sang karaoke
(x ) Paid for a meal with only coins
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
(X ) Made prank phone calls...
( X ) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x ) Caught a snowflake on your tongue.
(x ) Danced in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x ) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(x) Watched the sunrise with someone you care about or love.
(x) Blown bubbles
(x ) Made a bonfire on the beach
(X ) Crashed a party
(x) Gone roller-skating
(x) Ice-skating
( ) Done a "dine-n-dash

2. Any nicknames? Tack
3. Mother's name? Pat
4. What is your favorite drink? Kahlua& milk&vanilla vodka - mom you are missing out!
5.Tattoos? None
6. Body piercing? ears
8. How much do you love your job? love it

9. Birthplace: Southfield Michigan
10. Favorite vacation spot? Arizona/New Mexico
11. Ever been to Africa? No
12. Ever steal any traffic signs? No
13. Ever been in a car accident? Yes
14. A, B, C, D, DD cup size? D
15. 2 Door or 4 Door? 4 door
16. Salad dressing? Honey French
17. Favorite pie? Lemon meringue and Key Lime
18. Favorite number? 6
19. Favorite movie? French Kiss
20. Favorite holiday? Christmas
22. Favorite food? chocolate and Coke Zero - tied
23. Favorite day of the week? Sunday
24. Favorite brand of body soap? Burts Bees Citrus Spice
25. Favorite TV show? NFL Football - haven't watched TV since the superbowl!
26. Toothpaste? Crest vanilla mint
27. Favorite smell? Justin in the morning, cut grass
28. What do you do to relax? Dig in the dirt
29. Message to your friends reading this? Don't be sorry, behave.
30. How do you see yourself in 10 years? well, through a looking glass of course
31. What do you do when you are bored? What is bored?

Questions, Mr Wayne,.... too Many Questions

My hackles would rise, if I had them, to the idea that there is a way a woman is "supposed" to be
It infuriates me that day after day I am dissatisfied
My hips are too broad, my brows too thin,
My house is messy, my kids are loud,
I forgot to shave my legs and I wore a skirt

And yet when I am still, in church, standing before God
I know that He loves me - and I don't deserve it

What is it in our society, in our rearing that tell us that what we are is not enough?
And who decided what "enough" is - some Hollywood airbrushed model ( who is also miserable by the way, only she can afford better drugs)
Would a smaller waistline make me a better nurse?

Why is it that a human life has less value than a wrist watch?
We pay hundreds of dollars to buy a dog, but don't even flinch when hear about people dying on the news.

Why do we always want what we can't have and dream of better things?
I have more stuff - but it still needs to be put away.

Why do we feel it is appropriate to sit in judgement over someone else's life?
Why do I feel like I still have to apologize for something stupid I did in my twenties - that is ridiculous - and I can't go back and fix it.
Would behaving properly have made me a better mother? Would it have been honest?
Why do we feel alone when surrounded by others?
and who decided that working moms should have to work two full time jobs?

And why do people get so caught up in who is getting the short end that they are willing to throw away a committment to love each other forever?

Why do some people get genes that make them able to match their clothes and decorate their homes and organize things like in a magazine - but others of us able to create, but unable to recognize a mess if we walked through it.

I just have a lot of questions today - and maybe it is only the full moon, but I just feel unsettled.

Hombre del Alma

When a woman is starved for what nourishes her soul, she will feed on anything that provides a fullness in her belly. I learned that from Clarissa Pinkola Estes, author of Women who Run with the Wolves. When we starve, we go to excesses.

I have been doing a lot of introspection lately, and it isn't always good to do that.

I gained 10 pounds over the last few months - and yes, stress does increase your cortisol - and your addiction to chocolate for the seratonin boost alone. I am bone tired.

I have been thinking a lot about college, since my own daughter is headed there. Thinking about people I encountered - people I loved - and how my life was changed there. It was a difficult time for me - though there were some good times, there were a lot of things I am not proud of.

I keep dreaming about things that happened nearly 20 years ago - and I wonder why I have the audacity to keep punishing myself for things I did FOREVER ago. It is just exasperating.

This is my son, in whom I am well pleased

We spent all morning at court - just finally got in. Our 8 am hearing didn't get heard until 10:45.
The boys were arrested on Wednesday afternoon - and were not released back to thier parents until this afternoon.

What they did was stupid - and dangerous - and humiliating.
What Josh did instead, was merciful. He could have copped an attitude, asked for revenge, or even embelished his story to make himself out to be a victim. But he isn't a victim.

He sat reading 1984 and Lord of the Flies in his white shirt and tie. He gave up time with his other friend to take care of this - his day off spent helping someone who hurt him.

We talked to the prosecutor before the hearing and told her we had wanted the boys to be accountable to the school, and we knew they had to do something about what happened. The judge asked if he wanted to drop the charges. Josh stood up, saying that he thought things had gotten blown out of proportion. That he was upset when it happened, but that he thought 2 days in jail was sufficient. She asked if they were friends, and he looked right at Lavonne and
said yes. If they hadn't been before, this would certainly cement their friendship.

The judge was great - she gave the boys something to think about, including that acting like "bozos" had taken up the valuable time of lots of adults. They will go in front of a disciplinary panel at school. Their debt to Josh is not over, but Lavonne asked to speak and publicly apologized.

What could have been a turning point, pitting families against one another, instead became a chance for us to heal some of this - Josh demonstrated very visably that is takes a bigger man to forgive someone than it does to exact revenge.

Oh Shit

I went to the school this morning. Much to my surprise, the Vice Principal was just as outraged as I was.

I offered to temper justice with mercy, asking that the kids be put before the disciplinary board and suspended. Then I offered to talk to their parents and arrange for the kids to do something in reparation.

We left on amicable terms with the agreement to call when things were settled.

I recieved a call an hour later. The Security/Police officer for their school system took control and charged both boys with simple assault. They were arrested in front of the school and taken to the juvenile detention center.

And the truth is - my heart just breaks. What an incredibly sad situation that three lives are changed by such a stupid action. They planned it - they did it on purposeAnd their poor moms - who are actually good people - I know them, I sat with one of the mothers all through football season - and I hate that this has happened to her.

But I firmly believe that God can take what is evil and use it for good. Maybe this is the wakeup call these kids needed - maybe it will save thier kids or their wives from something bad.

For today, though, I ask you to say a little prayer for Enrique and Lavonne - two boys who made a poor choice - and another for my son Josh, who will have to testify on Friday morning at Juvenile Court.

Never, never, never mess with the cubs

Today on the way home from school, some boys from the football team held down my son and cut his hair, Not by choice, by force. They have been harassing him saying that if he wasn't going to play football next year, that he should not waste the coach's time - that he shoudl quit goign to lift weights( somethign I demanded he do)

He was afraid of them - and even when he called out, the noise on the bus muffled it. Eventually the bus driver found out what was happening and stopped the bus. But not before several chunks of his hair were thrown out the window.

They think they got away with it because no one would tell on them - bullys are like that. I remember that the Ogre would bully me - and each time I called the police, they took his side, so I stopped calling it in.

When I took Josh to the Emergency Room after Dan the Ogre hit him with a garden hose and left marks, the police filed a report - but never any charges. It was frustrating - it was wrong and the police allowed it. Dan was never arrested - never charged - and he got away with it. This whole thing brings up a rash of feelings and fury. Once again someone has hurt him and thinks they can get away with it.

They think they can hurt my son and walk away because they are tough guys

Pardon my language here - but do not fuck with my children after all they have been through and think that I will just let that sit because you are some kind of grade-school super star.

Not only am I taking off work to go visit his principal and demand some suspensions

I will also be visiting their mothers - and unfortunately for those boys, I know who they are.

The Lord demands that vengence be his - but I don't think it is out of line to expect good behavior, reparation and an apology.

Males Included for Warmth

Head over to the Scene - we have baby ducks - and baby roosters ( we think)

How Rich Mullins and my Mom changed my life

After Jake's Dad left and I was a single mom, working in the Psych ICU at Wishard Hospital in Indianapolis, I felt a little lost. My girl, Lora, had moved on and had her new love, Alison and I spent a bit of time together trying to find someone new but I just was...lost. My job didn't fit anymore and my life didn't fit well anymore. I went to the job fair at the college, and talked to traveling nurses and people from Indian Health Services - far off places and exciting settings for a nurse.

We moved to Logansport, and I took a new job at a little rural hospital, but still I just wasn't *there* yet.

My mom sent me a copy of the video, A Liturgy and a Legacy, about Rich Mullins. He quoted Brennan Manning, the author of the Ragamuffin Gospel and CS Lewis who wrote Mere Christianity. He believed in walking the walk: feed the poor, clothe the naked, visit those in jail, do unto others. At the end of that video, I wanted what he had. There are a lot of faults in a church - it is a hospital for those who are broken, and that is what I have always believed. I go to church because I need the support of every other broken person in there. I go because I have an aptitude for trouble - and without that anchor, my life drifts in the wrong direction. He said he went for all the same reasons.

Rich lived in Saint Michaels, just outside of Fort Defiance New Mexico. He attended the church there, and taught Navajo kids how to love their neighbor - and how music can set them free. He helped elders build hogans for their families. He loved the people around him.

I wanted that - honestly, I still do - the knowledge that what I am doing each day makes a difference.

After Jake had brain surgery - and my child was restored to me - I decided to go. I sent out applications to Indian health Services- from the information I had gathered years before, and I ended up in New mexico. Rich had passed away about two years before that - but his spirit is in his music - and his heart is still in St. Michaels - you can feel the intensity of the Spirit still in that little church.

I read the Ragamuffin Gospel, we played his "Songs" CD over and over - and even now, my kids know the words by heart. Rich loved God, and more than anything else, he wanted people to see that God is an entity, not a church, not an abstract idea - but Someone who very personally has an interest in each one of us.

This isn't the post about what I believe, but what I learned - that is so incredibly valuable - from both my Mom and from Rich Mullins is this ( pardon the poor take on the song)

I believe what I believe is what makes me who I am
I did not make it - no, it is making me.

What I believe, what I have learned about the nature of God and life and living shape who I am. My choices are based on that belief system - which is true for all of us.

Yesterday I was really miffed about my lack of control over my work - and when I came home, my book had arrived. An arrow Pointing Toward Heaven, the devotional biography of Rich Mullins ( a little aside here, I also ordered the Longing for Darkness book and Things my Girlfriend and I argue about) . 50 pages later, I was reminded that it was just what I needed -
that in this world, my greatest joy is to serve others - and through that I become the person I have always wanted to be.

There is nothing more soothing than a kindred spirit - especially when that kinship revolves around faith - and how you see the world. I am sad that he was taken so soon - but so thankful that my mom gave me the video so many years ago.

Panic Attack!!

I got to my desk, finished my work related stuff, then thought I would check on my friends. To my horror, I couldn't get one blog to appear.

Luckily - it was just a server glitch - and now you are all back!!!!

Happy Monday -
it is 60 degrees and we cleared almost 1/4 acre of brush yesterday, making way for the swing I am hanging this week - Good Lord willing, and the creek don't rise.

How phenomenal is it to have rosy sun-burned ( just a little) cheeks in March!

HMMMMM.....

Last night I went to Kroger and bought meat and ice cream related stuff. When I got to the checkout - the Ben & jerry's rang up just fine, but my sugar-free popsicles and sugar-free fudge pops ( you know, the healthier versions of dessert I bought myself) sent up a red flag. The cashier said they had a "limited Quantity" alert. What in the world???? Ben & jerrys, works just fine, maam, but you can't have those diet popsicles, there is a limit.

I am still not sure whether this is a compliment - like dont worry about the diet, you are just fine the way you are ---- or the ultimate insult - you are already fat, just chuck down that Ben and Jerrys and be happy.

Turns out the alert was just a recall, they had passed their expiration - which is also weird because they are FROZEN POPSICLES. Whatever, I had a wee bit of the Dublin mudslide after dinner and apparently that will have to suffice.

Thank Heavens for little Belles

Yesterday I found a goat blog - I know it is way past an addiction now - but the blog is by Silver Belle who is a goat in the Pacific Northwest - who knew she could type with hooves - but who am I to argue. See, I knew there was a secret language and that they all have very distinct personalities - and this blog proves I am only mostly nuts.

If you are not totally appalled by my addiction - check it out: http://goatcentral.blogspot.com

Standing Up

In a day where fathers often back away from the obligations of being a daddy - there are some men who stand up and take responsibility - who wait with bated breath to shower their child with love - to hear that child call him Daddy.

Yesterday, Farmer Chris got the good news that he is back to being an official father - of course he was a daddy all along. Stop by and offer your congratulations.

Happy Ash Wednesday

My friend Tammy sent this by e-mail, so in honor of Ash Wednesday, a little chiding between friends -

Subject: Who was Jesus?
Opinions vary ...Here are several options.

My friend from Baton Rouge, LA says that Jesus was a Cajun:
1. He liked to serve fish to his friends
2. He could make his own wine
3. And he wasn't afraid of water.

My black friend had 3 arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

My Jewish friend had 3 arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

My Italian friend gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

My California friends had 3 arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

My Irish friend then gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

BUT my LADY friend had most compelling evidence that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.