Jonathan Micah Kelly

Just typing his name makes me miss him. Of course he is not a little boy anymore, but I still picture his sweet cherubic face, dancing with the Tigger song in my kitchen in Bloomington.

I wanted to be a mom from forever - and when I got married at twenty, and Joe had a two year old son, I was delighted. Jonathan had young parents, and from the time I married into his family, I wanted to be his mom. I remember that even though I knew it was time to leave, there was a long time I just couldn't, because I didn't want to leave him. I really struggled with that and put up with a lot of nonsense from his dad because I loved that child so.

Last night I talked to his grandma, Adeline, Bear's other grandma, and she tells me he has grown into a handsome young man. He will be nearly 21 by now - and certainly not a child. She also tells me that she isn't sure he knows he has a sister - that the family was discouraged from ever talking about her(yea, that's a discussion for a later post).

Anyway, I wanted to say something - say I'm sorry I didn't hijack him and move away to Canada to live happily in hiding - sorry I couldn't be there for him - sorry I couldn't legally do more. I never wanted to keep Bear from him, never wanted to see him struggle, and yet because of the stories I heard, I am pretty sure he did struggle.

If by some miracle Jonathan would read this, please know that you are always welcome in my home, because you have always held a place in my heart - and an e-mail from you would be a gift beyond measure.

Maybe that is why I have to keep adopting strays - trying to mother all the time, because when you have lost one baby, it is nearly impossible to fill that crevice, but I just keep trying.

Addendum - Adeline, Jerra's paternal grandmother, sent along this picture taken last year, so I wanted to add it to my post.

Sorry Peyton

I was tired, Justin's muscles were sore, it was a long Monday and it was cold and rainy - so at 11 when I saw your game was still on, I barely even eyed the screen. And I missed watching the Colts go 11-0 by beating the Steelers. Way to go Mr. Manning.

One last Thanksgiving photo

I have put a bar over the face to help protect the identity of this random Thanksgiving participant.


Unfortunately the photo also reveals that I have a very yellow kitchen with an unbeleivable number of things strewn about...


Uh and his commentary as he caught me posting this , laughing like a hyena - "Mom you are so queer!"

Thanksgiving in Color

First, a picture of the fig bread, made with the bourbon figs I canned over the summer, and the pumpkin chocolate chip bread, made with a real roasted pumpkin - none of that canned stuff...mmmmm
















The pre-dinner appetizer tray ( Breads on the top , then ginger cookies, brownies, no bake oatmeal cookies, summer sausage, red grapes, cheddar cheese, Ritz crackers, carrots, deviled eggs and dry roasted peanuts) and the WONDERFUL roaster where the turkey was cookin up. Uh, yes mom, that is still my morning coffee there to the left - and as usual, it is unfinished...














Kitten Bob and Sheila - the clean up crew getting the last bits out of the roaster...

A year and a half of living dangerously

"To truly heal we must say our truth, and not only our regret and pain, but also what harm was caused, what anger, what disgust, and also what desire for self-punishment or vengeance was evoked in us."

From Women Who Run with the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Someone asked me why things were different with Justin - why after years of failed and sadly unhealthy relationships, this one worked. Two words - no bullshit. I wasn't trying to impress him when we met - he wasn't trying either. From the beginning of our conversations, we just talked about stuff - and other than a couple of things we didn't share until later on - we were pretty upfront about our baggage. When I knew that this was something unusual - knew that I was in love with him - I just said so, even though he didn't say it for A LONG TIME LATER (okay still a bit irritated about that, hee hee) I didn't need him to be a father to my kids, I didn't need a lover, I didn't need a financial backer, I just wanted a friend - and left myself open to the possibility that it might work out.

The thing that is the most different is that I tell him what I am thinking - and before I open my mouth, I try to see where I have gotten things tangled in my head - or what part I am playing in this particular drama. Step two is trying to figure out where the he is coming from. Most things people do are not motivated by other people, so usually something that ticks me off is merely oversight - rather than intentionally trying to incur my wrath! There is little finger-pointing and a lot of personal responsibility - because it takes two people to make a marriage fail. We are both good at seeing, retrospectively of course, when we have been an ass.

You can only change yourself - and people will treat you as you allow them to treat you. Boundaries shift within a family and from time to time, I have to re-establish that I am not the maid and chief cook and bottle washer - but instead half of the governing body in the house. Though more with the kids than with the husband.

A lot of the time, there are things that I really am afraid to share - as though bringing up these demons will make them real instead of just figments of my imagination. I worry a lot about being a pain, being fat and being left again. I force myself to talk about these - also a BIG shift. I always thought before that if I talked about them, he would see what a putz I am and think he made a mistake ( see it is only an irrational fear if it never happened before). But instead, what has happened is that he can see who I really am - he can see my frailties and what I am afraid of - and that helps him avoid placing landmines in my path.

I used to hold everything in and just take it on the chin until I felt like I would pop (not wanting to be a pain) - then I would blow up and the poor object of my displeasure recieved a lot of bad karma all at once. He called me on that and it was about time that someone did. Not a nice way to behave. Now, maybe it is age or experience, I am finding it is much easier to talk about things when they are little problems instead of waiting for an atom bomb to go off. Nothing is outside the bounds of human forgiveness. Nothing.

Anyway, I am rambling, and I don't want this to sound like I have all the answers. I struggle - I read everything I can get my hands on about how to be a better person. I read other people who I think have it together, try to learn from them, and sometimes actually do. Each day I make a conscious decision to try to be a good wife, a good daughter, a good mom - and some days I am lucky enough to succeed - other days, not so much.

So now it has been nearly 18 months since I met Justin - since my life changed and his did too. It has been well worth the risk.

Clarity while washing dishes

I have struggled over the past couple of weeks to figure out exactly what my problem was - I had all the physical symptoms from being overstressed - and even 12 years of nursing expereince was not enough to save me from myself so to speak.

No I want to preface this by saying that Justin didn't do anything wrong - and that things are okay in paradise this morning - but yesterday - well, that was another matter.

I figured out that little things he was doing were causing a disproportionate reaction - and they were really getting under my skin.

Washing the dishes while he slept and the boys were busy with video games, I realized what had happened.

I have been left before.

And not just once unfortunately - and the fear of being left again is a demon that haunts me.

The little things, like still having the other house and seperate bank accounts, and a dozen little things were all adding up in my mind that once again someone had found that loveing me was just too much trouble. And it smacked me like a load of bricks standing at the sink. All of those feelings like something was wrong, all centered around this one thing. It took me about five hours of crying and trying to sleep and then trying to talk myself out of it before I could say anything to Justin. As though not talking about it kept it unreal - but my emotions were very real, and the best way to vanquish demons is to put them into the light.

Suffice it to say, this came out of left field to him - he had never entertained the idea, but after some discussion, could see where I was getting things tangled. I was picking up cues, but rather than being an escape plan, the things that were bothering me were just kinks in blending a man who has lived alone for 11 years as adult - and a woman who hasn't lived alone since I was 20 - actually, hasn't ever lived alone- I went from my folks to a dorm, to roommates to a husband - then there were always kids. My perspective is colored and sometimes I forget that - and I should know better but perfection eludes me, and I still get this messed up in my head, making me quite the unpleasant person to live with.

I tell my kids to be careful with the hearts of people they Date - because even if that girl isn't going to be your wife, she will be someones and you don't want her heart to carry scars from you into her marriage. And you hope that someone else, who is dating your future wife right now, is taking the same care with her.

Things I am Thankful for

A husband who actually loves me back
My folks
My dad in remission from cancer
My mom being brave enough to consider adoption in the first place
Memories of thanksgiving in Kansas City
Bear - each and every day she astounds me and I cannot express how amazed I am at how fantastic she is
Josh- his quick wit, his soft heart, his ability to surprise even himself, he brings me great joy especially when he says : mom, you gotta come look at this on the screen
Jake - his huge tender heart and that he comes to hug me almost knocking me over every day when I get home
Lora - my girl who always comes through when I need her - we have been friends since before Josh was born and she is one of the best things that ever happened to me.
My inlaws, who are mostly fun to be with and who like me - thank goodness
Steph - my buddy - and now sleepy new momma. A friend who always has time for me - ( and also that I get to come see her in two weeks!!!! woohoo!)
Alison - though I don't know where things are with us anymore, she was my friend through a lot of rough times and I miss her
Tammy - who has made me get out of the house to do something for myself at least once a week Shirsten - my sister in law - who amazingly is also a girl I would have picked as a friend anyway
My daily reads, through the writings of John, Maggie, Chris, Taza, Dora, Marc, Dale, Jeanna, Ian, Jerra and Justin, I have learned about life, and loving and growing. It has meant a lot getting to know you all and I am so thankful that Justin talked me into starting a blog.
to keep this short, I am truncating the list of friends here
Also thankful that God has remained faithful to me, picking up the load for me when I cannot carry it anymore - and never forsaking me - even when I deserved it.

uh... important note to self

If you are going to be nice to your family by making chicken noodle soup and leaving it on the stove, you should turn the heat down to LOW before you leave for work.

PS - and review with Jake what to do - other than run - when the house is filled with smoke.


Addendum - say another prayer of thanks that only the pan was burned.

Thanksgiving

First, I am thankful for last night - an evening with no football where we actually had dinner before 8pm. I am not too thrilled about the huge drop in temperature - or the whipping winds which kept my feet feeling cold for hours - but I had a roof over my head, so what could I complain about.

Now on to the menu:
During football:
Hotwings and celery and baby carrots
Bleu cheese dressing
Cracked pepper crackers with summer sausage and cheddar cheese
Green and purple grapes

Dinner to die for....
spinach salad
cream of broccoli soup
Roast turkey with butter and fresh sage
Cornbread stuffing
Pear chutney
Green bean casserole
Sweet potatoes with brown sugar and pecans
Homemade dinner rolls
my mom's ( and Grandpa Loner's recipe) brown bread
pistachio pineapple salad
Pumpkin pie with toasted pecan crust
There is the possibility of lemon poppyseed bread, fig cake, gingerbread and chocolate chip cookies... but we will see how much cooking gets done on Wednesday when the kids are home.

Also I am thankful for my friends and family who have continued to pray that Justin would find a good job - there are at least two possibilities that did not exist yesterday morning when I was feeling the weight of the world. Funny how the moment I turn things over to God because I just can't carry it anymore - He comes through and does a much better job of carrying things.

Cold Rain

It started raining last night. I rushed out to the pens to make sure the bucklings were covered from the storm - and found Fred and George huddled under the stairs, trying - and failing to stay dry. I managed to corral them into the pet carrier - despite their efforts at dragging me through mud and all kids of brush - which again tore my hands up. This morning found them warm and dry - though a little befuddled about why they had slept in a maroon box all night.

I couldn't find John at first, and eventually found him sleeping between Paul and Sheba - safe and warm and dry. I wandered back inside - the rain had soaked through my field jacket - my hair was dripping - and even a hot shower didn't make it any better.

I felt chilled - as I have for several days. My temperature seems to keep spiking and according to my lab work, there is nothing wrong. Which means that most of these symptoms must be a shot immune system - probably from stress. I don't know what is wrong - but I feel like it looks outside- like a cold rain just keeps pouring over me - and I can't get warm - and I can't get dry - and I can't get comfortable enough to sleep.

My instincts know that something is wrong.....

Broncos rock

As of last night at 11:00 my son is a part of the championship team. They went 13-0 this season - not too shabby. The game was supposed to start at 7:30, but at 7:30 the game before us wasn't even at halftime yet - so I have no idea what time we started, but at 11:45 we were meandering back to our car.

It was a good game, the other team was also undefeated, but we beat them soundly, outscoring them by two touchdowns. I haven't' cheered this hard since Cathedral won the state championships when I was in high school.

Josh made the comment that he only got in one play last night - that it didn't really feel like he helped win the game. But - he missed most of the season last year - and this year more than half of the boys did weight training over the summer, but he didn't because we had him signed up in the wrong league. It is hard to be fourteen - and even though he didn't score the winning points like he did when he played back in Indiana -he was on the "A" team - his first year in the league - and they certainly aren't a bunch of schmucks - for a kid who transferred in and didn't spend the summer bulking up - he went really far on talent alone.

And to borrow his quote - if you are perfect then you don't have a goal to work toward. By next season he will be filled out, and his muscles will start to bulk up and I think he will be a real contender for a starting position... but time will tell. So this morning, we'll just bask in the victory.

new boys

John











Fred and George

Stace and George

Life, Death, and Resurrection

Last night we went to Rusty's to pick up our baby goats. We picked out three to replace the three we lost - though 5 weeks had changed their coats a bit, they were perfect. We picked out a sandy colored one who looked like Norbert - though when we got him last night, his coat had grown more pale and he looked much more like the other two boys we lost. I held him in my arms on the way home, filled with both joy and sorrow. We finally decided to name him John (yet another Beatle) after we saw the twins in action.

The twins are black in the front and reddish brown in the back - knowing Justin we will have pictures this afternoon. Originally they were to be john and George, however, after seeing them dodge the other goats and sneak through the fence and the wiggle all over the place - full of ornery personality - we decided they were the Weasley brothers - more so than the Beatles - So we have the twins Fred and George - hopping and climbing everything in site.

When we came home, Ringo had escaped from the pen - per usual. Only this time, it was cold - about 30 degrees - and Matilda our Big Kelpie ( thanks for that Ian) had decided he needed cleaning well because he smells like goat. This left him wet and cold on the grass - where I found him in the dark - bleating weakly. I picked him up and his eyes rolled. And all I could think is Please God, not another sick baby.

I brought him in, and handed him to Justin - he wouldn't take the milk bottle. We wrapped him in a towel and gave him to Jake to hold - he wasn't warming fast enough. Three hours, one heat lamp, a dose of Nutradrench, three microwaved towels, and a twice microwaved hot pack later - he started to perk up - and drank nearly the whole bottle of milk when I offered it to him. The goat sweater is going back on today - too cold out for a guy with no fur. I am sure the other goats will harass him - but at this point - it will be worth it not to have a nearly dead baby when I come home. I could pretty much do without that for the rest of my life.

I went out twice last night to check on the other goats, making sure they slept in between the warm straw bales I set up for them - they are pretty smart and decided to lay in a big pile of goats, all tucked in together. I dreamed again - but this time I dreamed I was dying and my dad had to give me shots and I apologized saying that no parent should have to bury their child and that I was sorry to put him through this. I woke up sobbing. Though the characters were different that was exactly how it felt when we lost Bubba and Little Bit - not something a person should have to do and yet it happened and thinking about it still makes me so very sad. I scooted over to Justin, laying my head on his shoulder until his warmth made me fall back to sleep.

But morning came at 6:45 - and on check number three for the goats I found them hopping over the straw bales looking for chow.

The Ridge feels complete - and this morning I realize that I finally have the life I have always dreamed of - and it only took me forty years to get there.

Happy Birthday, Ian!!!

Today, well - tomorrow here, today there already - is Ian's birthday - swing over and wish him happy Birthday!

Bird Flu Strikes the US ( compliments of my dad)

d'ja ever have one of those nights?

I ended up at the doctor's office yesterday evening - not my favorite thing, though I really like the doc.

I have assaulted my body over the past month, and between worrying about bills and Justin finding a job and worrying about the kids, the loss of our two baby goats and the five stitches in my finger, there have been a lot of negative stressors. Then there were good ones - my folks came to visit - there is the arrival of new goats, and three more to be added tomorrow - the addition of Sheila and both teenagers with a healthy relationship with a member of the opposite sex, football continuing to the championship and a number of projects now completed in the yard.

The upshot of this dissertation being that I think I have worn myself out. I went in last night because my blood pressure is up, I am tired and I have had this temperature for about five days. We did more blood work on top of what the GYN did and hopefully I'll find out what is going on when it comes bak today. I don't do being sick well - and frankly, I've had enough. I am achy - so before bed I took my cranberry juice with a bit of medicinal vodka.

About five this morning I started to dream. I drove to YoJ's place - but the yard had about a dozen boys in it - climbing trees, riding bikes, it looked like a playground out of a movie. There was one boy with a bunny in a harness hooked up to a fishing pole - I think that was from the vodka. I went inside and she was making breakfast - luckily for me it was cheesecake for breakfast - so now she is about my favorite person on the planet. Anyway we walked around talking to all the kids which for some reason were hers. I can remember vaguely talking to her husband who ironically thought I was up to something - right then kitten Bob came sprinting down the hallway and his bell woke me up.

I love it when I sleep well enough to have vivid dreams. I keep trying to plan a weekend away to sneak up and hang out with my girl YoJ, but football keeps getting in the way - eventually, though. So thanks to a bit of medicine, I got to visit YoJ anyway - and now I know that she makes a mean cheesecake.... or perhaps I just dreamed it up.

The girl loves shoes

Matilda - our wondrous Australian Shepherd needs a buddy - badly - she is bored and keeps chewing everything in the yard but the rawhides - which she promptly buries.

So this weekend, we heard back from a gal at the Aussie rescue - she had pups that were ready for adoption.

So we drove over and looked. I like black and white dogs - most of ours have been black and white or some mutation of gray - Bob, Scout and Matilda especially. She is mahogany - but what a looker!

young love

Isn't love wonderful?

My son has a girlfriend - and considering the usual amount of drama in middle school, finding someone you just like is tough.

So from Friday's football game - using the new camera phone- here they are.
Yea, I know he needs a haircut.

Vetrans Day

Okay - apparently it wasn't 'nuff

This is Josh - earwax boy - who is in desperate need of YoJ's brothers scissors in that hair.

This was taken at Friday night's high school game - at the field where he played on Saturday - I hijacked the picture from his friend Amanda - it was such a cute shot.

'Nuff Said

Dear Peyton,

Thank you once again for an evening of pure delight - and thank you for FINALLY beating the Patriots in Foxboro!

Scenes from The Ridge

A very happy Jake on his birthday. The swag came from Uncle Jim who is the epitome of birthday shoppers.














Sheba and Paul sharing a dish by moonlight.















Fawn and white runner; Cumberland Blue runner; black Runner; chocolate runner - one of each in this picture which makes it pretty unusual.










My handsome son, Earwax Boy - first thing in the morning - yep that is all his hair - and unfortunatly it looks great on him!!!

Southfield, Michigan 1966

My dad played football at the University of Detroit, back when they still had a football program. He and my mom lived in Michigan for a few years after graduation - and I still have the orange and black vase that was in those pictures of the house there from the '60s. I worked for a company doing HazMat consulting in the early 90's - and each time I drove through Southfield, there was a bit of emptiness. I visited St. Charles where I was baptized.

As I was checking stat counter - which I do only occasionally now - I saw that someone from Southfield Michigan visited my site. It always makes me wonder - if someone who knows my birthmother sees some commonality - as I am told there usually is - and ends up here. She would be about 58, and the eldest of 8 kids, the youngest of whom is a boy about three years older than I am - or so the "non-identifying information" from Catholic Charities said.

I always wondered what happened to her - if she married someone she was madly in love with - if she was happy with her life and if she knew that I was happy. I think in some ways she must be built like me - though I have a hard time letting people go out of my life, I don't like being a burden - this being the primary reason for never searching her out. The potential for life-disruption is very high for her - everyone around me knows I am adopted, and I cannot see where it would cause an issue here ( unless of course she needed money, and I don't have any , but I have some lovely ducks).

So if you know her - or you think you do - you are welcome to send me a note - I am chronically late in getting information updated, and I think the last time I updated the adoption database was about 8 years ago. Yea, I'm a slacker, I know.

Just messing with you

A guy painted his bathroom floor thinking it would be pretty funny when people used the bathroom after they had been drinking.









I have now planned my revenge for the accidental ingestion of the contents of a spit cup. Mwah ha ha ha

Don't mess with my cubs

Typically I am a peaceful woman, I have my moments - and the closer I get to forty, the more I am finding I have some hormonal moments sneaking in - but usually I am pretty mild. After living through an abusive situation, the kids and I tend to try to avoid confrontation and walk away from fights.

I found out yesterday that some child has continued to harass Jake, trying to "jump him" at a football game. This child has been warned, Jake has walked away - and now I have to give my son permission to hit this kid - we reveiwed over dinner how to punch someone squarely in teh nose, find an adult and end the bullying. Unfortunatly, this boy has a brother on Josh's football team, so he is at every game. It is my hope to talk to his folks at the game next week - unless I canfigure out who they are before then, but sometimes things have to eb settled without the parents.

Joshua's new love interest has an exboyfriend - whose friends tried to start a fight with him at Friday nights playoff game. He is old enough and has enough friends, that I think he can work it out - but if it keeps up, I am not above calling that kids parents either. I had been dropping him off at the game to meet his buddies - but no more - next weekend I'm tagging along and keeping an eye on him - and this exboyfriend. It is a mom-job.

Kids are weird these days - and things we never would have thought of doing - like fighing with weapons -are done in this day and age.

Really , as I write this I think - these boys don't know what kind of trouble they are bringing upon themselves - it takes a long time to ignite my temper - but if you mess with my cubs, things will not go well for you.

One Person can Make a Difference

Here is a story from CNN about the woman was brutally raped on orders of the village council as punishment for her brother. Her statements have an extraordinary amount of strength. She said that no matter what, a woman must speak up - must fight back and stay strong.

She was woman of the year, according to Glamour - a magazine she had never heard of.

She sued the government, and took the money to build a school. She is using the money from Glamour to build a women's shelter - in a place where they certainly need one.

Little studio filled with women
Wooden floor cool on my feet
and me in my tie-dyed T-shirt

The rhythmic music feels alive
Pulsing warm through my ears
Strangely familiar and intoxicating

She says that every woman
Has a dance inside her, somewhere
I genuinely believe her

My hips seem to forget
they have born children
they have marks and scars

My arms remember to alight
From sessions of ballet
For a big girl to be graceful

My feet take a minute
Trying to find comfort
then realizing this is restful

My shoulders start to burn
As my arms are held outward
Moving in the dance

The mirrors are harsh
As they always are
And I catch my reflection

Oddly I see a woman
Lots of women in the mirror
All trying to release their bodies

Into the joyful bliss
of moving freely, sensually
with the lilting song in the air

My body seems to follow
the waves of their bodies
swaying effortlessly, fluidly

She asks us to bring a scarf
To accentuate the hips
That I have long been trying to hide

And inside I smiled
This may have been
The medicine my soul needed.

Love has a mind of its own

Sometimes love comes at a time and a place we don't expect it. Rarely does it come in the package we expect - my husband has a penchant for tiny Asian women- I am a tall ( 5'10") definitely not tiny - or Asian. I have a thing for linemen and wide receivers - 6'2" - 6'5" you know, tall broad shouldered - and the love of my life - he is about 2 inches taller than me on a good day -and a soccer player.

My parents were born 14 days apart - baptized at the same church, same grade school through high school. They knew each other forever and have been married for 46 years.

I have an uncle by marriage who was astounded when he found my aunt, saying he was fat, forty and had four kids - and thought love had passed him by. Five years later, they are happy as clams.

My grandmother found my grandfather, and Irish Catholic, and risked being disowned by her father, a Scottish Protestant Stewart. But love called and nine kids and a lot of living later, they passed away just weeks from one another.

I have been privvy to a couple of really fantastic people who are newly in love - sometimes you luck out reading blogs and chance upon people who you genuinely like and think of as family, even though you've never been in the same room. Magz and her sister Taza are like that for me( okay you all know they aren't the only ones - but this part is about Taza!). I wanted to share something written by Farmer Chris - because each time I read it, well it just about makes my heart pop with joy for them.... and helps me to remember what a blessing and a rarity true love is.

My girl Steph and her girl Garnet

Garnet was born two days ago - it was a tough trip for mom and baby. Her mom is VERY brave - and it seems Garnet has had to show her strength of character early on, spending a bit of time in the NICU and having to use a bottle instead of breastfeeding. Sweet little moppet. Here is a picture- and I'm booking a flight to come see them as soon as football is over!!!

HELP!

Would someone please quit their current job and create Garanimals for grown ups because I am tired of wearing black. I cannot tell if the shades of brown or green or blue go together. (I do know about navy and black/ brown and black, Betty, my mother was a Barbazon model, so I have been educated, just missed out on those genetics) I came to work twice in the last week in clothes that did not match, causing Bear to roll her eyes and say "Mama, I should have looked at you before you went to work" Great - I am going to be known for my brains, charm and complete lack of ability to dress myself. GRRRRR.

Ode to Jacob, my favorite Jacob in the world

The seizures started when he was still just a baby. The very first time, I didn't know what had happened. He was sitting on the couch and all of a sudden he looked at me, panic stricken , an rolled off the couch. His lips were blue, eyes rolled back in his head and his little Michelin-man arms were flexed close to his body. He started to breathe again, but it seemed to take forever. When we got to the emergency room, the doctor told me I was mistaken, that it was not a seizure and that I was overreacting. He looked fine - so I thought perhaps I was mistaken, after all Psych nursing was my specialty, not neurology.

By the time he turned two, we were preparing to move to our new home, my first real home, complete with fireplace and hardwood floors. The first event was long forgotten, until the boys were chasing one another across the floor and he looked up at me again with those big blue eyes, panic stricken. ONly this time I knew what was happening. He fell to the floor like a dead weight, face turning blue. I held him in my arms and did rescue breathing until he started breathing on his own. Jerra called the paramedics, and by the time they got to the house he was post-ictal, disoriented but cheerful.

This began the path of a hundred trips to Riley Hospital in Indianapolis, and EEGs, Cat Scans, MRIs,EKGs, neurology clinics and lots of questions. I held his little arms countless times as they tried to find his little veins to do more bloodwork. They could not figure out what was wrong with him -there was always the sense that they thought I was making it up for attention. As a single mom with three kids, I had plenty of stress, I didn't need any more attention.

The tides changed when we went for yet another CAT scan to recheck. The radiologist, whose name I still don't know to this day mentioned that when the seizures had stopped, I should see and ENT doctor to get the nasal polyps removed from his nose. He asked if Jake snored, he did. Ever since the seizure started, I had put him in bed with me so that I could wake up and check him periodically throughout the night.

Six months later I took him to see the ENT who removed Bear's tonsils. He took one look up Jake's nose and said " Oh my gosh, take a look!" I looked and there was what looked like a large red grape inside his right nostril. Another CAT scan later, I got the call from the ENT doctor:

"I just got off the phone with the neurosurgeon, your son will have surgery as soon as possible"

Obviously there is more to the story, but Jacob endured 52 stitches and six hours of brain surgery to correct a hole in the sphenoid bone that left brain tissue in his sinuses. He has some atrophy in his frontal lobe as a result of the surgery. He has to take seizure and ADHD medicine every day. He never complains.

More importantly, he is one of those souls who doesn't know a stranger, he loves everyone and fears very little. He has a soft heart and cannot understand it when someone is mean to him because that is so very foreign to his nature. He always kisses me hello, he likes to hold my hand, he is kind to people - hugging folks and making them feel genuinely welcome. He is a blessing each and every day - even when I have to remind him fifteen times to do something. He is a hard worker and someday will make some woman a great husband because he is a kind soul and those are few and far between in this world.

So for the blessing of this child, to a mother who is hardly worthy of such a blessing, I thank you, Lord. He brings me joy and shows me Your love every day.

Just joyful

Here are our cute new baby ducks - they are straight run, so no idea if they are boys or girls. They are from the same bloodlines as the ones we lost in June, the two with the cream colored chests look very much like the others. They are healthy and Matilda didn't bother them much. I am hoping that they will warm up to us over the next couple of weeks, they are skittish which is one of the disadvantages of getting them at a month old instead of days old.

I took a picture of this tree - anyone have any idea if it is some kind of cherry tree? Choke cherry maybe. I took this picture just a day or two ago. I am sending a copy to the DNR to see if they can help - but these are all over the yard and the berries have not turned anything but green, nor have they changed in size. Cannot positively identify it from my Peterson's guide and if it is a cherry - I'll have to cut them down because the leaves might be poisonous to our goats.

November First

Happy All Saints Day!!!

Happy Birthday to my favorite Jacob!!!! He's 11 today and I will post a list of things I adore about him, but for now, I have to get back to work.

Also Happy Birthday to my new niece - Garnet Shundiin Waldrop, daughter of my friends whose wedding brough Justin and I together, born last night about 2 am - and already establishing that if she wants to show up at 2, that is what she will do. Strong spirit like her mom. Congratulations Mark and Steph!!!