What If...
God has a sense of humor
His time is not the same as mine
His Hand is on the butterfly, the sunset
And the platypus – humor incarnate
What if the time is now?
Would we be wise enough
To jump in, run free, trust our hearts
Be a part of something more
Or would we hide in the shadows
Of our hurts, our betrayals, our scars
Cowering at the risk of being hurt again
And hope that real love would pass us by
What if the other half I am looking for
Is standing right before me
With steel blue eyes and a quick wit
And honeysweet words on his lips
What if real love is the deep and
True feeling that cannot be denied
What if it makes us see the reality
Of our ugly and scarred places
What if those places were loved
For the person they created
Kissed for the soul they have built
For the rebuilding of something beautiful
What if love is knocking at my door?
Will I choose to open and receive?
Knowing there is risk, knowing there
Is always a chance it may be gone
Love without risk is not love.
This is the first poem I wrote - first poetry of any kind I have written since high school - and the inspiration to start a blog. It has been a little over a year now - and what a blessing it has been.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Archipelago Islands
We decided to take Thursday and spend more time on the water. We had a Stockholm passs, so we took the tour boat through Drugarten waters add looked at the home of princes and royalty - lovely tour - crowded boat.
Then for about $9 each, we took the ferry boat out to the Archipelago - to Vaxholm. Lots of people were traveling out of the city Thursday, since Friday was Midsommer. It was about a hour trip, so we chose a boat where we could sit outside on the deck - though in the shade - for our little trip. I had packed a thermos with sausages, chicken and peppers, sesame Wassa bread, butter, cucumbers, and some apples. By the time we ate, I was starving - food always tastes better when you are hungry. Then we relaxed, enjoying the ride.
It is good to have some time alone to talk about things. Both of us are used to running our own lives, and htoughg most of the time we are running in the same direction, it was great to talk about some things that we just hadn't gotten to yet.
Groceries in Gamleby
This guy is over the grocery store entrance - appeared to be made of wood - but I wasn't going to climb up and see.Did I mention that groceries were expensive - probably because of the exchange rate - and that a lot of items are imported. But people here stop by the store almost daily to get whatever is for dinner - so lots of fresh fruits and vegetables - most of which is organic.
Durgarten
This is the Nordic Museum - well, actually it is a view of the back. I was so impressed with the architecture - looks like something out of a fairy tale doesn't it?
This is a picture of the entryway erected by the king who decided this little island should be made into a park. It is chock full of museums and park spaces and even the aquarium. Skansen, whose pictures will follow later - is also on this little island. Just phenomenally beautiful.
Here is a shot coming across the bridge to Durgarten, complete with a front view of the Nordic museum and the electric trolley car.
We slept in a bit that morning - still struggling to get used to the time difference. We packed the day full - Vassa museum, Kings Garden, Aquarium, Roller coaster ride at Tivoli, and Skansen. What a wonderful day to be in Sweden. The weather cooperated with a little rain in the morning - follwed by sunshine the rest of the day.
Kohollman
I am pretty sure I slaughtered the spelling. This is a picture of our friend's summer home. We stayed there, jut the two of us, to have a little alone time. It is about 100 yards off the river, but had a lovely walk down to the waterside. This little red house is the guest house where we stayed. Our hosts grilled lamb and provided us with lots wine and great conversation. Just a lovely time, waiting for it to get dark. It was raining that night, the steady warm kind of summer rain we have here. We were awakened around four by lightening and thunder - it was already light out since it was so close to Midsummer. There were deer in the field right behind the house and we watched them, hoping they would come closer.
Stockholm bayside
Gamleby
This is the view from the porch in Gamleby, Sweden - the water is an inlet from the Baltic Sea. The tree in the center below is an apple tree. The town used to have a cider press where residents ocudl bring a bushel of apples and recieve a case of cider. Most of the homes we passed had a little orchard.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
The Girls
I am desperately trying to find a home for the girls. Frankly, it sucks. I love them, I have no desire to get rid of them, but there is on way they can stay anymore.
In the last year we have had to hunt for them four times after their escapes from our yard - costing me over $200 in fees and reward money.
I have had to repair the fence - adding chicken wire over the top, around the doors and over the holes they made in the horse fence, I also had to run electric fence wire around the bottom - though this didn't keep them in the pen either. The fence and related repairs have cost another $300.
Add in the $350 we spent at the Animal ER for the ducklings - and the girls have just exhausted all my spending money for the year.
unfortunately, my heart doesn't know anything about money - or care much about it - so searching for a new home for them has just brought me to tears. I look at their sweet faces, and I just makes me so sad.
I think we have homes for them both - one potential taker is coming over tonight - the other later in the week, hopefully.
This weekend we get the kids back - that is another post, though. Next week we are bringing home a pair of goats - and a new box of ducks - it will be a new beginning - and a good diversion. But I am really gonna miss those girls.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Glimpses of Sweden
Here is a shot of us from Stockholm that my sister in law took on our first night there.
This was a simply amazing trip - the land was pristine and even the subways were clean. The museums outdid anything we have in the states and the Stockholm pass allowed us to see a bit of everything wihtout spending a fortune.
What made this trip worthwhile, though were the people.
The Delvert family who welcomed us into their homes - their sailboats, their cars and their lives. They showed us part of Sweden that you just can't get from a guidebook.
Odd that we live so very far apart and yet, they love thier families, the brothers tell jokes and tease one another, the mothers tell their kids to eat, we throw water balloons and shoot BB guns and grill hotdogs while the summer light fades later and later. We talk of love and life and politics and spending money while drinking wine and listening to the midsummer rain over the porch.
Monday, June 27, 2005
Sweden - land of firsts
The trip to Sweden was phenomenal. This is my list of first:
1. Passport
2. Seeing Amsterdam
3. Flying over Greenland, England and Scotland
4. Seeing Europe - and Sweden
5. Riding in a Mercedes Benz full-sized van ( didn't even know there was such a thing)
6. Seeing a Smart car
7. Having real Swedish meatballs
8. Trying ligonberries
9. Trying Swedish Punsch (ew)
10. Trying herring
11. Trying salmon and gravelax
12. Trying real Swedish icecream - possibly the best stuff on the planet
13. Seeing gas prices at almost $6.00 per gallon
14. Flying out of Newark airport - and over the Atlantic Ocean
15. Sailing
16. Swimming in the Baltic Sea
17. Seeing Viking ruins - though my husband has some Viking blood - he doesn't count
18. Eating figs
19. Celebrating MidSommer
20. Taking the MARTA bus/railway
21. Seeing a Moose in the wild
21. First time I ever took a honeymoon with the family!
22. Trying hard cider - it packed a punch with green apple flavoring.
23. Had my flight changed to a whole other COUNTRY
24. Paying $5 per pound for chicken
25. Kayaking
26. Trying lamb - had mutton before - but the lamb was really good.
27. Made love to a younger man in Europe - wow, I could just die happy.
1. Passport
2. Seeing Amsterdam
3. Flying over Greenland, England and Scotland
4. Seeing Europe - and Sweden
5. Riding in a Mercedes Benz full-sized van ( didn't even know there was such a thing)
6. Seeing a Smart car
7. Having real Swedish meatballs
8. Trying ligonberries
9. Trying Swedish Punsch (ew)
10. Trying herring
11. Trying salmon and gravelax
12. Trying real Swedish icecream - possibly the best stuff on the planet
13. Seeing gas prices at almost $6.00 per gallon
14. Flying out of Newark airport - and over the Atlantic Ocean
15. Sailing
16. Swimming in the Baltic Sea
17. Seeing Viking ruins - though my husband has some Viking blood - he doesn't count
18. Eating figs
19. Celebrating MidSommer
20. Taking the MARTA bus/railway
21. Seeing a Moose in the wild
21. First time I ever took a honeymoon with the family!
22. Trying hard cider - it packed a punch with green apple flavoring.
23. Had my flight changed to a whole other COUNTRY
24. Paying $5 per pound for chicken
25. Kayaking
26. Trying lamb - had mutton before - but the lamb was really good.
27. Made love to a younger man in Europe - wow, I could just die happy.
A Note from the Gipper on Game 6
I left for vacation before I oculd post this from my Dad. Thanks for all your kind words - and for the multitude of prayers - seems like they worked.
After a little delay, I was able to complete my tests last week - bone marrow biopsy - CT Scan & PET Scan. We had a meeting scheduled with Coach this morning at 9:30 to review test results and then start 6th game (chemo treatment). Coach started with bone marrow results, since that is a tough place to get rid of cancer. After a few introductory comments, he said your bone marrow is clear - it's NORMAL!. Praise God!!!
Then he reviewed the CT Scan - all traces of tumors are gone. Some scar tissue remains, but that is normal. Coach is pretty thorough.
At any rate it was not necessary to play the 6th game - no chemo! It was a forfeit. What a deal. I asked Coach what this meant? He said you are in "REMISSION". ALLELUIA!!!
This cancer is incurable because it is so slow growing and difficult to detect all microscopic cancer cells that may exist in the body. But they will watch it pretty close. Follow up exams every 6 months for a couple of years, and then every year if all is OK. I will get maintenance treatments of Rituxan every 6 months. Rituxan is the targeted therapy which targets only cancer cells and does not destroy good cells. Very minimal side effects.
Enough for now. I just thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers and support. I could not have gotten thru without family and friends being there. As we have said, Prayer Does Change Things. Thanks for being there. God is Good. I am looking forward to getting back to feeling good without the chemo treatments. Coach said I can expect to get back to feeling normal within a few weeks. Thanks Lord!
Your teammate
After a little delay, I was able to complete my tests last week - bone marrow biopsy - CT Scan & PET Scan. We had a meeting scheduled with Coach this morning at 9:30 to review test results and then start 6th game (chemo treatment). Coach started with bone marrow results, since that is a tough place to get rid of cancer. After a few introductory comments, he said your bone marrow is clear - it's NORMAL!. Praise God!!!
Then he reviewed the CT Scan - all traces of tumors are gone. Some scar tissue remains, but that is normal. Coach is pretty thorough.
At any rate it was not necessary to play the 6th game - no chemo! It was a forfeit. What a deal. I asked Coach what this meant? He said you are in "REMISSION". ALLELUIA!!!
This cancer is incurable because it is so slow growing and difficult to detect all microscopic cancer cells that may exist in the body. But they will watch it pretty close. Follow up exams every 6 months for a couple of years, and then every year if all is OK. I will get maintenance treatments of Rituxan every 6 months. Rituxan is the targeted therapy which targets only cancer cells and does not destroy good cells. Very minimal side effects.
Enough for now. I just thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers and support. I could not have gotten thru without family and friends being there. As we have said, Prayer Does Change Things. Thanks for being there. God is Good. I am looking forward to getting back to feeling good without the chemo treatments. Coach said I can expect to get back to feeling normal within a few weeks. Thanks Lord!
Your teammate
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Wondering
I posted a picture last week - thought you shoudl at least be able to get a look at who I am on the outside since so much of who I am on the inside shows through here.
Caused me to wonder....
My kids look a lot like me -everyone says so
I remember my mom being told via the foster care that I resembled my genetic grandmother as a baby
and I wonder if there is a family somewhere in Michigan with 7 or 8 grown kids ...and someone will come across my blog and think how much I resemble their mother or aunt - or great grandmother.
I love my parents, never bothered to look for my birthfamily because I have plenty of family already. But this wondering, coupled with the drama of getting a birth certificate last month, makes me wonder if I have a genetic family out there somewhere that wonders why I haven't tried to find them.
I'm not opposed to it, I just haven't gotten around to it. Seeing as I am nearly 40 now, I should probably move this up on the list - my birthmother would be about 58 or 59 if the information I got from Catholic Charities was right.
Just another thing bouncing about in my brain.
Caused me to wonder....
My kids look a lot like me -everyone says so
I remember my mom being told via the foster care that I resembled my genetic grandmother as a baby
and I wonder if there is a family somewhere in Michigan with 7 or 8 grown kids ...and someone will come across my blog and think how much I resemble their mother or aunt - or great grandmother.
I love my parents, never bothered to look for my birthfamily because I have plenty of family already. But this wondering, coupled with the drama of getting a birth certificate last month, makes me wonder if I have a genetic family out there somewhere that wonders why I haven't tried to find them.
I'm not opposed to it, I just haven't gotten around to it. Seeing as I am nearly 40 now, I should probably move this up on the list - my birthmother would be about 58 or 59 if the information I got from Catholic Charities was right.
Just another thing bouncing about in my brain.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Miracles Happen
Back in December my daddy found a lump. Yea, that is the worst possible feeling I think. The lump was connected to other lumps - he had Stage IV Lymphoma. If you have ever seen an anatomy book, the lymph system covers all your important parts. There are hundreds of nodes all over the body.
Over the past few months he has handled in true Loner fashion the ups and downs of chemotherapy - hair loss, exhaustion, bodily misfunctions - by writing about it.
Well, the opponent has forfeited the final game - and we win by default.
The oncologist told him that he is in remission - and doesn't have to do his last chemotherapy treatment!!!
WOO HOOOO!!!
Thanks to God for blessing our family, for healing, for steadfastly seeing us through this, for providing us with friends who have supported us when it looked bleak. It was worth every prayer and rosary offered to get this kind of news. Thanks, Lord, most of all for giving Daddy a well-shaped head that doesn't look funny bald!!!
Over the past few months he has handled in true Loner fashion the ups and downs of chemotherapy - hair loss, exhaustion, bodily misfunctions - by writing about it.
Well, the opponent has forfeited the final game - and we win by default.
The oncologist told him that he is in remission - and doesn't have to do his last chemotherapy treatment!!!
WOO HOOOO!!!
Thanks to God for blessing our family, for healing, for steadfastly seeing us through this, for providing us with friends who have supported us when it looked bleak. It was worth every prayer and rosary offered to get this kind of news. Thanks, Lord, most of all for giving Daddy a well-shaped head that doesn't look funny bald!!!
Praktor ni Engelska?
We are leaving tomorrow for our honeymoon/family trip/getaway. About a year and a half ago, Justin's dad bought tickets for the family to go to Sweden with their frequent flyer miles. When I met Justin, last year, he had been talking about this trip with much anticipation - little did we know it would be our honeymoon trip!
It makes me a bit nervous to fly - I think because my dad had a plane crash when I was in the 5th grade. I always feel like I need to have my affairs in order and that I need to pray for protection. My parents say the rosary when they travel - as much for peace of mind as protection - and I have my grandfather's rosary to take along with me.
I am excited about the trip - have been packed for over 6 weeks now. We are flying seperately, mostly because we had to buy my ticket after the rest of the group - though I did get good flights and window seats. We are staying with extended family in Stockholm - and I am anxious to meet them all. Most people speak English - but I put together a few phrases in Swedish just in case - though I have not figured out how to find a bathroom yet - and that makes me a wee bit nervous.
It'll be quite for a week or so, here on the blog - and hopefully we can load some pictures when we get back. Godspeed us on our journey and God bless and keep you, dear reader, until we meet again.
It makes me a bit nervous to fly - I think because my dad had a plane crash when I was in the 5th grade. I always feel like I need to have my affairs in order and that I need to pray for protection. My parents say the rosary when they travel - as much for peace of mind as protection - and I have my grandfather's rosary to take along with me.
I am excited about the trip - have been packed for over 6 weeks now. We are flying seperately, mostly because we had to buy my ticket after the rest of the group - though I did get good flights and window seats. We are staying with extended family in Stockholm - and I am anxious to meet them all. Most people speak English - but I put together a few phrases in Swedish just in case - though I have not figured out how to find a bathroom yet - and that makes me a wee bit nervous.
It'll be quite for a week or so, here on the blog - and hopefully we can load some pictures when we get back. Godspeed us on our journey and God bless and keep you, dear reader, until we meet again.
New word of the day - Forgiveness
I struggled on Sunday evening and Monday morning with my hateful feelings toward our dogs. What happened was worse than any horror movie I have ever seen - especially because it was in real life. I talked to the humane society - it would only give them 10 days, then put them to sleep. I called several local rescue groups - but they never called me back with any information about getting the pups in.
When I came home last night, I let them out of the kennels and into their fenced yard. Couldn't love on them at all - and though they know they are in trouble, they don't seem to understand why. I spent 20 minutes and a good deal of blood putting chicken wire over the spot where they had gotten out of their pen on Sunday. I didn't want to be in there with the girls - it just hurts too much.
Then, the lady who is going to dog sit for us - well multiple pet sit - for us came over. I started with the dogs - Bear, Scout and the girlsI introduced her to the dogs and the girls were their charming selves - slobbering wagging their tails furiously. We talked about how they could point and how friendly they were - and that they might make good hunting dogs given the right training. And then it happened, the hate started to fade away as I thought more and more about the things I loved about the dogs. They were our babies, too - we spent a lot of time loving them, playing with them, training them - and it shows. But all of that couldn't override their instincts.
Any option which might lead to their being put to sleep is no longer an option. I love them too much, though I am exceptionally put out by their hunting behavior. I have posted an ad at work - and asked a couple of friends who have hunting dogs to help us find a good home for them.
There has been enough loss and enough sadness, I want to be able to look back and see that we did the best we could with the dogs - I want to have some peace and closure with this.
With forgiveness comes hope - knowing that we will be home for a week before we go get the kids - I am trying to get the duck pen refortified and ready for more occupants.
Fourth of July weekend we are picking up kids - and kids. My cousin has a fiance who raises pygmy goats - and we are going to get a couple of baby girls. Then the week of the 4th - we'll be receiving a batch of ducks in a box. Increasing the flock - increasing the joy. Keep plugging away at the dream until it happens.
When I came home last night, I let them out of the kennels and into their fenced yard. Couldn't love on them at all - and though they know they are in trouble, they don't seem to understand why. I spent 20 minutes and a good deal of blood putting chicken wire over the spot where they had gotten out of their pen on Sunday. I didn't want to be in there with the girls - it just hurts too much.
Then, the lady who is going to dog sit for us - well multiple pet sit - for us came over. I started with the dogs - Bear, Scout and the girlsI introduced her to the dogs and the girls were their charming selves - slobbering wagging their tails furiously. We talked about how they could point and how friendly they were - and that they might make good hunting dogs given the right training. And then it happened, the hate started to fade away as I thought more and more about the things I loved about the dogs. They were our babies, too - we spent a lot of time loving them, playing with them, training them - and it shows. But all of that couldn't override their instincts.
Any option which might lead to their being put to sleep is no longer an option. I love them too much, though I am exceptionally put out by their hunting behavior. I have posted an ad at work - and asked a couple of friends who have hunting dogs to help us find a good home for them.
There has been enough loss and enough sadness, I want to be able to look back and see that we did the best we could with the dogs - I want to have some peace and closure with this.
With forgiveness comes hope - knowing that we will be home for a week before we go get the kids - I am trying to get the duck pen refortified and ready for more occupants.
Fourth of July weekend we are picking up kids - and kids. My cousin has a fiance who raises pygmy goats - and we are going to get a couple of baby girls. Then the week of the 4th - we'll be receiving a batch of ducks in a box. Increasing the flock - increasing the joy. Keep plugging away at the dream until it happens.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Loner Love Story
My parents will have been married for 46 years today - and in this day and age that is something to celebrate.
They were born 14 days apart in a little hospital that is now a nursign home in Indiana. They were raised in the same parish, had First communion, confession, and Confirmation in the same school in that same little town.
In high school, my mom spent summers up at the lake water skiing. My dad spent them working at the family lumber company when he wasn't playing baseball or practicing football. If memory serves me correctly, they had a little family hamburger stand down by Riverside park - the Checkerboard I think.
My folks both walked to school, and my mom had to pass my dad's house on the way, so he later admitted that he would wait until he saw her and happen to be on the sidewalk at the same time.
They started dating their senior year, and things went well until my dad went to the girls choice dance with someone other than my mom. Luckily, he came to apologize on Ash Wednesday, ashes still in place - and my mom forgave him.
Dad went away to University of Detroit on a football scholarship, mom stayed and went to secretarial school. Since his parents had not completed college, there was a lot of pressure from My grandfather for my dad to finish college before he took on a wife and the possibility of children.
They were engaged at Indiana Beach, back when the Beach had piers that overlooked the lake. They had come to a dance at the club there, and dad walked her out to the beach and proposed. Indiana Beach has always had a special family meaning, and we go there often in the summer even though it is hokey - because it is where our family started.
They were married a year later - at the same church they went to as children. My dad jokes that he will have been baptized married and buried all at the same church. Mom had a beautiful white dress with a long train, Dad looks young and handsome in the pictures, surrounded by all of his family.
They lived in Detroit for a while - dad finished college with a degree in mathematics and got a job with Ford Motors. They tried having babies, but it just didn't happen for them. Things got tough and they decided to consider adoption. Dad was transferred to Germany for a bit, helping put in computer systems back when computers took up the whole room. Not long after things worked out (at least from my perspective) and I was adopted. Two and a half years later, my brother was adopted as well.
There have been a lot of toils - my dad is trying to turn my mother's hair white - forcing us to live through a plane crash, a heart attack and now Lymphoma. They still hold hands, he still send cards and flowers, she still folds his undies and cooks things because he likes them. They go on vactation together - they sit and do nothing together. Mostly, they just manage to be together after all this time - and they make it look easy.
I asked my dad once how they made it so long - he told me to choose well.
They were born 14 days apart in a little hospital that is now a nursign home in Indiana. They were raised in the same parish, had First communion, confession, and Confirmation in the same school in that same little town.
In high school, my mom spent summers up at the lake water skiing. My dad spent them working at the family lumber company when he wasn't playing baseball or practicing football. If memory serves me correctly, they had a little family hamburger stand down by Riverside park - the Checkerboard I think.
My folks both walked to school, and my mom had to pass my dad's house on the way, so he later admitted that he would wait until he saw her and happen to be on the sidewalk at the same time.
They started dating their senior year, and things went well until my dad went to the girls choice dance with someone other than my mom. Luckily, he came to apologize on Ash Wednesday, ashes still in place - and my mom forgave him.
Dad went away to University of Detroit on a football scholarship, mom stayed and went to secretarial school. Since his parents had not completed college, there was a lot of pressure from My grandfather for my dad to finish college before he took on a wife and the possibility of children.
They were engaged at Indiana Beach, back when the Beach had piers that overlooked the lake. They had come to a dance at the club there, and dad walked her out to the beach and proposed. Indiana Beach has always had a special family meaning, and we go there often in the summer even though it is hokey - because it is where our family started.
They were married a year later - at the same church they went to as children. My dad jokes that he will have been baptized married and buried all at the same church. Mom had a beautiful white dress with a long train, Dad looks young and handsome in the pictures, surrounded by all of his family.
They lived in Detroit for a while - dad finished college with a degree in mathematics and got a job with Ford Motors. They tried having babies, but it just didn't happen for them. Things got tough and they decided to consider adoption. Dad was transferred to Germany for a bit, helping put in computer systems back when computers took up the whole room. Not long after things worked out (at least from my perspective) and I was adopted. Two and a half years later, my brother was adopted as well.
There have been a lot of toils - my dad is trying to turn my mother's hair white - forcing us to live through a plane crash, a heart attack and now Lymphoma. They still hold hands, he still send cards and flowers, she still folds his undies and cooks things because he likes them. They go on vactation together - they sit and do nothing together. Mostly, they just manage to be together after all this time - and they make it look easy.
I asked my dad once how they made it so long - he told me to choose well.
Word of the Day - well, yesterday and today
Information provided by Petersons.com
persevere
DEFINITION: (adjective) to continue despite difficulties
EXAMPLE: Although several of her teammates dropped out of the marathon, Laura persevered.
SYNONYMS: endure, persist, survive
This is the word of the day on my Yahoo! - oddly enough it is absolutely the anthem of the day. For those of you who haven't read Justin today - our dogs got out and broke into the duckling's pen, leaving us only one black duck of the six. It was gruesome, horrible and enraging - the last 24 hours have been filled with what if's - but I have come to the realization that there was nothing more we could do. And now we are left to persevere - to continue on with the dream of our little 2 acre piece of paradise even though it has been really difficult. We will have to get rid of the girls - much as we love them they will not stay in the pen - and $300 in improvements later, they are still escaping - and that just can't continue to happen.
Today I placed the order for another batch of ducklings - and I am anxious for there arrival - coming home the same week as the kids - the goats - and probably a new puppy( anyone have some herding dogs with pups?) Persevere - to keep going even when the day sucks and you want to cry and hide under the covers.
persevere
DEFINITION: (adjective) to continue despite difficulties
EXAMPLE: Although several of her teammates dropped out of the marathon, Laura persevered.
SYNONYMS: endure, persist, survive
This is the word of the day on my Yahoo! - oddly enough it is absolutely the anthem of the day. For those of you who haven't read Justin today - our dogs got out and broke into the duckling's pen, leaving us only one black duck of the six. It was gruesome, horrible and enraging - the last 24 hours have been filled with what if's - but I have come to the realization that there was nothing more we could do. And now we are left to persevere - to continue on with the dream of our little 2 acre piece of paradise even though it has been really difficult. We will have to get rid of the girls - much as we love them they will not stay in the pen - and $300 in improvements later, they are still escaping - and that just can't continue to happen.
Today I placed the order for another batch of ducklings - and I am anxious for there arrival - coming home the same week as the kids - the goats - and probably a new puppy( anyone have some herding dogs with pups?) Persevere - to keep going even when the day sucks and you want to cry and hide under the covers.
Friday, June 10, 2005
TMI WARNING - Intimacy and sex
I lost my virginity early - too early as a matter of fact. The age is not important, but what does have bearing is that from a very young age how I felt about my body and myself as a person was tied into someone else's opinion. I didn't understand it then - but I allowed that to happen
I have been thinking a lot about intimacy and sex of late and some things my dad and I talked about - unfortunately working through some of my own issues that I thought were long gone. I hope that by writing some things down, it will help me get them purged.
Sex changes the way you view yourself - and the way you view the other person. There is and intimate knowledge of a part of each other that we don't commonly share with the outside world. The body makes promises - whether our mouths say those things or not. Coupling and kissing and holding each other - they are private intimate things - and though we may choose to ignore the emotional aspects going on - it doesn't mean that they aren't still going on. There is an attachment that increases as time together increases - becoming attuned to one another, listening for changes in breath, the flush of the cheeks, the facial expression - all of these things are designed to bring people close during love making.
Put in the wrong context - this sense of attachment can do a lot of damage to the psyche - causing mistrust down the line. If you've ever had someone use you for sex, saying what they thought you wanted to hear, leading you, cajoling you - and then moving onto their next target, you can identify with the damage that can do. I'm not saying it has to be permanent damage - but it takes time to heal the wounds left by predators, male and female alike.
In changing the view of the self, lots of areas are affected. Body image is the first one that comes to mind. Comments made about things we cannot change can leave lingering scars and cause people to feel self-conscious. We have this running internal dialogue which can alter how we perceive ourselves. Mine changed, diminishing my own value. At first, I felt guilt, especially when my boyfriend didn't last and we didn't get married and live happily ever after right out of high school. Then I met someone I truly loved - and didn't sleep with. He left for someone else who put out. Maybe it was the combination of factors, but how I viewed myself was changing - and it wasn't good. After my daughter was born, I remembered the words of her father - that were proved true time after time - no one will want you with someone else's child. And each time I told someone about my child and they ran, it made that nonsense seem true.
When someone finally did show interest, I was careful and tried to keep them - even if I should have weeded them out as bad candidates. I settled - after all I had been in love once - that kind of love wasn't bound to happen again - so I would have to do the best I could.
What I bought into as liberation in retrospect really was selling myself short. Thinking that sexual freedom would enrich my life. Well - duh - what it actually did was reduce my view of myself to nothing more than animal - prowling to have needs fulfilled. Ridiculous in retrospect - and if someone had called me out on it - I would have denied it.
Being intimate too soon in a relationship is also problematic. We confuse sex with love, something even science is finding are two different things. Intimacy hides things - arguments are resolved by kissing and making up - rather than the harder version of talking things out. There are one-sided assumptions about fidelity and where the relationship is headed - if anywhere. Emotions run high and criticisms strike much deeper. It is possible that the false intimacy of sex can lead you to a day when someone says " I love you" and you realize they don't really know you at all.
I think the worst thing about false intimacy is that it can easily be confused and misinterpreted. False intimacy can come with sex - leading a person to feel close for a time, but then horribly distant later. Sex is not the same thing as emotional intimacy - but many people struggle trying to differentiate between the two. True that people often stop having sex as their marriages fail - but the converse is also true - there are people with terrible marriages who still have a good sex life. Emotional abusers do that, they cut off all physical contact - and that in turn reinforces negative feelings about the body. Nothing worse than to have someone who used to touch you decide that they don't like you anymore and that they never want to touch you again.
I have learned that there is no one right way to be intimate - holding hands at dinner, sharing popcorn at the movie, touching toes while sleeping - all of these things are intimacies that are just as important as sex. Being able to just sit together in silence - without the expectation of anything else - just sitting and breathing - that is a mind-blower. There is no right way to perform, no right thing to do, not best body formation, no right age (past the age of consent) - every body is different, and paying attention is the only way to know you are doing it right.
I am not sure how much of the past I would change - especially since it has taken me here. I am astounded at the differences in being married to the right man - how making love can touch your very soul - how much closer I can feel to someone - even when sex isn't on the menu - and how much more beautiful I can feel in the arms of someone who loves me regardless of how I look.
I have been thinking a lot about intimacy and sex of late and some things my dad and I talked about - unfortunately working through some of my own issues that I thought were long gone. I hope that by writing some things down, it will help me get them purged.
Sex changes the way you view yourself - and the way you view the other person. There is and intimate knowledge of a part of each other that we don't commonly share with the outside world. The body makes promises - whether our mouths say those things or not. Coupling and kissing and holding each other - they are private intimate things - and though we may choose to ignore the emotional aspects going on - it doesn't mean that they aren't still going on. There is an attachment that increases as time together increases - becoming attuned to one another, listening for changes in breath, the flush of the cheeks, the facial expression - all of these things are designed to bring people close during love making.
Put in the wrong context - this sense of attachment can do a lot of damage to the psyche - causing mistrust down the line. If you've ever had someone use you for sex, saying what they thought you wanted to hear, leading you, cajoling you - and then moving onto their next target, you can identify with the damage that can do. I'm not saying it has to be permanent damage - but it takes time to heal the wounds left by predators, male and female alike.
In changing the view of the self, lots of areas are affected. Body image is the first one that comes to mind. Comments made about things we cannot change can leave lingering scars and cause people to feel self-conscious. We have this running internal dialogue which can alter how we perceive ourselves. Mine changed, diminishing my own value. At first, I felt guilt, especially when my boyfriend didn't last and we didn't get married and live happily ever after right out of high school. Then I met someone I truly loved - and didn't sleep with. He left for someone else who put out. Maybe it was the combination of factors, but how I viewed myself was changing - and it wasn't good. After my daughter was born, I remembered the words of her father - that were proved true time after time - no one will want you with someone else's child. And each time I told someone about my child and they ran, it made that nonsense seem true.
When someone finally did show interest, I was careful and tried to keep them - even if I should have weeded them out as bad candidates. I settled - after all I had been in love once - that kind of love wasn't bound to happen again - so I would have to do the best I could.
What I bought into as liberation in retrospect really was selling myself short. Thinking that sexual freedom would enrich my life. Well - duh - what it actually did was reduce my view of myself to nothing more than animal - prowling to have needs fulfilled. Ridiculous in retrospect - and if someone had called me out on it - I would have denied it.
Being intimate too soon in a relationship is also problematic. We confuse sex with love, something even science is finding are two different things. Intimacy hides things - arguments are resolved by kissing and making up - rather than the harder version of talking things out. There are one-sided assumptions about fidelity and where the relationship is headed - if anywhere. Emotions run high and criticisms strike much deeper. It is possible that the false intimacy of sex can lead you to a day when someone says " I love you" and you realize they don't really know you at all.
I think the worst thing about false intimacy is that it can easily be confused and misinterpreted. False intimacy can come with sex - leading a person to feel close for a time, but then horribly distant later. Sex is not the same thing as emotional intimacy - but many people struggle trying to differentiate between the two. True that people often stop having sex as their marriages fail - but the converse is also true - there are people with terrible marriages who still have a good sex life. Emotional abusers do that, they cut off all physical contact - and that in turn reinforces negative feelings about the body. Nothing worse than to have someone who used to touch you decide that they don't like you anymore and that they never want to touch you again.
I have learned that there is no one right way to be intimate - holding hands at dinner, sharing popcorn at the movie, touching toes while sleeping - all of these things are intimacies that are just as important as sex. Being able to just sit together in silence - without the expectation of anything else - just sitting and breathing - that is a mind-blower. There is no right way to perform, no right thing to do, not best body formation, no right age (past the age of consent) - every body is different, and paying attention is the only way to know you are doing it right.
I am not sure how much of the past I would change - especially since it has taken me here. I am astounded at the differences in being married to the right man - how making love can touch your very soul - how much closer I can feel to someone - even when sex isn't on the menu - and how much more beautiful I can feel in the arms of someone who loves me regardless of how I look.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
50 Things about Me
I saw this on the View from the Escarpment - and couldn't resist!
1. Your name spelled backwards: Yecats
2. Where were your parents born? Logansport Indiana - 14 days apart at the same hospital
3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? Stupid hello - still won't post my pictures
4. What's your favorite restaurant? Bahama Breeze this week - of all time, Indiana Beach Skyroom
5. Last time you swam in a pool? Last weekend
6. Have you ever been in a school play? Yes, Pippin, The Miser, Oliver and Annie Get Your Gun
7. How many kids do you want? 12 - but I'll suffice with the three I have
8. Type of music you dislike most? Rap
9. Are you registered to vote? Yep - though not in my current state - oops
10. Do you have cable? No they didn't call me before htey showed up adn we missed installation on Tuesday.
11. Have you ever ridden on a moped? No
12. Ever prank call anybody? Yes
13. Ever get a parking ticket? Yes - a lot
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? No way in this world
15. Farthest place you ever traveled? Tijuana - though Sweden is in my near future
16. Do you have a garden? Duh - my whole yard is a garden
17. What's your favorite comic strip? The Far Side
18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? Yes - i sing it too loudly at games
19. Bath or Shower, morning or night? Shower, Morning
20. Best movie you've seen in the past month? Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - and Route 60
21. Favorite pizza toppings? Carnivorous please
22. Chips or popcorn? Popcorn - movie theater butter
23. What color lipstick do you usually wear? something my duaghter says is too brown
24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells? PEANUT SHELLS?? I've boiled some peanuts in my day.
25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? Nope - and another verse to that
26. Orange Juice or apple? Orange
27. Favorite type of chocolate bar? Dove Dark chocolate
28. When was the last time you voted at the polls? 2004
29. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? Last week when I used the tomato sauce I canned in 2003.
30. Have you ever won a trophy? Yes - but I can't remember what for
31. Are you a good cook? Chubby girl, duh - I have learned - simplicity and patience
32. Do you know how to pump your own gas? Yes - but a girl I work with didn't know how.
33. Ever order an article from an infomercial? Yes -Proactiv bleached my towels
34. Sprite or 7-up? Sprite Zero or Diet Cherry 7-Up
35. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? Nurse - yep
36. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? Three father's Day cards and a new less brown lipstick - just yesterday
37. Ever throw up in public? Yep - ew does the highway count?
38. Would you prefer being a millionaire or to find true love? True love - money cant buy you love
39. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yes - had that happen and kept him
40. Ever call a 1-900 number? yes and was very surprised to see who was on the other end
41. Can exes be friends? Friends with benefits -maybe - but too complicated to mess with.
42. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? Justin's grandpa, not work related - I see people in the hospital every day
43. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby? No - my mom taped bows to my head
44. What message is on your voice mail? Uh- it is still Justin's message - Hi this is JJ - another oops
45. What is in your briefcase? I have three - and I have no idea
46. Favorite thing to do before bedtime? Newlywed - be careful what you ask
47. What is one thing you are grateful for today? Second chances, rain, healthy kids and payday
48. What is the first concert you ever went to? Alabama
49. Who is your favorite musical group? Right now Rascal Flatts
Wanna try this - copy and post I'd love to see your answers!
1. Your name spelled backwards: Yecats
2. Where were your parents born? Logansport Indiana - 14 days apart at the same hospital
3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? Stupid hello - still won't post my pictures
4. What's your favorite restaurant? Bahama Breeze this week - of all time, Indiana Beach Skyroom
5. Last time you swam in a pool? Last weekend
6. Have you ever been in a school play? Yes, Pippin, The Miser, Oliver and Annie Get Your Gun
7. How many kids do you want? 12 - but I'll suffice with the three I have
8. Type of music you dislike most? Rap
9. Are you registered to vote? Yep - though not in my current state - oops
10. Do you have cable? No they didn't call me before htey showed up adn we missed installation on Tuesday.
11. Have you ever ridden on a moped? No
12. Ever prank call anybody? Yes
13. Ever get a parking ticket? Yes - a lot
14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? No way in this world
15. Farthest place you ever traveled? Tijuana - though Sweden is in my near future
16. Do you have a garden? Duh - my whole yard is a garden
17. What's your favorite comic strip? The Far Side
18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? Yes - i sing it too loudly at games
19. Bath or Shower, morning or night? Shower, Morning
20. Best movie you've seen in the past month? Star Wars Revenge of the Sith - and Route 60
21. Favorite pizza toppings? Carnivorous please
22. Chips or popcorn? Popcorn - movie theater butter
23. What color lipstick do you usually wear? something my duaghter says is too brown
24. Have you ever smoked peanut shells? PEANUT SHELLS?? I've boiled some peanuts in my day.
25. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? Nope - and another verse to that
26. Orange Juice or apple? Orange
27. Favorite type of chocolate bar? Dove Dark chocolate
28. When was the last time you voted at the polls? 2004
29. Last time you ate a homegrown tomato? Last week when I used the tomato sauce I canned in 2003.
30. Have you ever won a trophy? Yes - but I can't remember what for
31. Are you a good cook? Chubby girl, duh - I have learned - simplicity and patience
32. Do you know how to pump your own gas? Yes - but a girl I work with didn't know how.
33. Ever order an article from an infomercial? Yes -Proactiv bleached my towels
34. Sprite or 7-up? Sprite Zero or Diet Cherry 7-Up
35. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? Nurse - yep
36. Last thing you bought at a pharmacy? Three father's Day cards and a new less brown lipstick - just yesterday
37. Ever throw up in public? Yep - ew does the highway count?
38. Would you prefer being a millionaire or to find true love? True love - money cant buy you love
39. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yes - had that happen and kept him
40. Ever call a 1-900 number? yes and was very surprised to see who was on the other end
41. Can exes be friends? Friends with benefits -maybe - but too complicated to mess with.
42. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? Justin's grandpa, not work related - I see people in the hospital every day
43. Did you have a lot of hair when you were a baby? No - my mom taped bows to my head
44. What message is on your voice mail? Uh- it is still Justin's message - Hi this is JJ - another oops
45. What is in your briefcase? I have three - and I have no idea
46. Favorite thing to do before bedtime? Newlywed - be careful what you ask
47. What is one thing you are grateful for today? Second chances, rain, healthy kids and payday
48. What is the first concert you ever went to? Alabama
49. Who is your favorite musical group? Right now Rascal Flatts
Wanna try this - copy and post I'd love to see your answers!
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Navajo Skirts
About five years ago, I packed up my family and moved 1500 miles from Indiana ( Logansport to be exact). Everyone told me I was crazy, single mom with three kids moving to the middle of the Navajo Reservation. It was the best decision I have ever made.
I worked as a Public health Nurse for Shirley Stoner in the Chinle Service Area. She was a great boss - expected me to do my work with a minimum of hand holding. My office was in Tsaile, where my friend Helen still lives. I loved it there. I made some of the best friends I have ever had - Helen, Barb, Steph (of wedding fame), and Jim and Brenda. Tsaile is a bitty town - two gas stations, a Christian church, Dine College, chapter house and a grade school. The middle school and high school is 30 miles away in Chinle. It is at 7,000 feet elevation and the Lukachukai, Tsaile and CHuska mountains could be seen from my house. The scenery looks more like Colorado than Arizona - arroyos, creeks, Ponderosa Pines, Pinion Pines, rabbit and sage brush.
As a public health nurse, I got a stack of referrals, hopped in my Jeep and went to visit people everyday. Often times I had to use an interpreter - usually Ernie Begay or Marilyn Yazzie - two of my favorite people on the planet. Marilyn was the first one to clue me in on the skirts.
On the reservation, most of the roads are red dirt - there is a shortage of bathrooms and many houses have outhouses as their sole means of bathroom. When we were up in the mountains or off on the backroads, there is no gas station to pee. You gotta go on the side of the road - something I have grown quite proficient at.
So Marilyn told me the trick - Navajo Shimas(grandmas) wear skirts - both for their emphasis on feminity and functionality. If you have ever tried to discreetly tried to drop your drawers and pee on the side of the road - you know just how much flesh is showing. However, if you have a broomstick skirt on, you just move the fabric aside and do your duty - remaining covered.
Odd as this sounds, because most of the women there did not wear pants - and because I was immersed just long enough, I still wear the skirts, they are comfortable to me and I let my hair grow long because any woman worth her Navajo salt knows that a woman's beauty is complimented by her long hair.
So that is the reason for the skirt - so you can lean your bum on the bumper, relieve yourself without any "southern exposure".
This is making me homesick - I miss it there and look forward to the day I can go back. Maybe I need to post some pictures and share the love with y'all.
I worked as a Public health Nurse for Shirley Stoner in the Chinle Service Area. She was a great boss - expected me to do my work with a minimum of hand holding. My office was in Tsaile, where my friend Helen still lives. I loved it there. I made some of the best friends I have ever had - Helen, Barb, Steph (of wedding fame), and Jim and Brenda. Tsaile is a bitty town - two gas stations, a Christian church, Dine College, chapter house and a grade school. The middle school and high school is 30 miles away in Chinle. It is at 7,000 feet elevation and the Lukachukai, Tsaile and CHuska mountains could be seen from my house. The scenery looks more like Colorado than Arizona - arroyos, creeks, Ponderosa Pines, Pinion Pines, rabbit and sage brush.
As a public health nurse, I got a stack of referrals, hopped in my Jeep and went to visit people everyday. Often times I had to use an interpreter - usually Ernie Begay or Marilyn Yazzie - two of my favorite people on the planet. Marilyn was the first one to clue me in on the skirts.
On the reservation, most of the roads are red dirt - there is a shortage of bathrooms and many houses have outhouses as their sole means of bathroom. When we were up in the mountains or off on the backroads, there is no gas station to pee. You gotta go on the side of the road - something I have grown quite proficient at.
So Marilyn told me the trick - Navajo Shimas(grandmas) wear skirts - both for their emphasis on feminity and functionality. If you have ever tried to discreetly tried to drop your drawers and pee on the side of the road - you know just how much flesh is showing. However, if you have a broomstick skirt on, you just move the fabric aside and do your duty - remaining covered.
Odd as this sounds, because most of the women there did not wear pants - and because I was immersed just long enough, I still wear the skirts, they are comfortable to me and I let my hair grow long because any woman worth her Navajo salt knows that a woman's beauty is complimented by her long hair.
So that is the reason for the skirt - so you can lean your bum on the bumper, relieve yourself without any "southern exposure".
This is making me homesick - I miss it there and look forward to the day I can go back. Maybe I need to post some pictures and share the love with y'all.
Eavesdropping on what women talk about in the lunchroom
I have spent a lot of time lately talking to other women at work - seems it comes more easily when you are newly married - brings back good memories for people. There were several things that kept coming up over and over again and I thought I'd share - though Iwote this from a woman's perspective, most of these things apply to both men and women.
1. Women are not stupid. Just because I don't flaunt all of my degrees, or certifications or the fact that I only missed one my SATs and 10 on my MCATS - does not mean that I am not intelligent. I have learned in my socialization that most men are put off by intelligent women - especially if they have a genius IQ. That is not a lesson that goes by the wayside easily. We are forced to be overly nice and helpless in some social situations (think getting help at the hardware store) lest we be branded "bitches" --- so have the sense to know who we really are.
2.Please remember that men and women tend to be wired differently, thinking with opposite sides of the brain - but using the brain just the same. Just because something does not make sense to you, doesn't mean it is not logical. If a woman had that good sense to do some research and consult other women or other authorities in a particular area - don't diminish her decisions (see #3)
3. Choose your battles with a woman - if there is a genuine problem that is interfering with your ability to function, have a solution or two to go with your criticism - otherwise you become a part of the problem rather than the solution. Think for a moment that the way someone sets up the kitchen or arranges the bathroom is based on what they thought would work. If you weren't around to give input when things were unpacked, you can offer suggestions but do not say -"I just don't like it" or "It doesnt' makes sense." Any good parent knows that if you offer a substitution or a diversion or another way of doing something you are likely to get the results you desire.
4. Show respect. You may have a fancier job title, but most women hold a full time job plus maintain the household and childrearing responsibilities. I don't work a 60 hour week because I have another full time job at home. Don't even for one minute diminish the fact that she has worked all day, checked homework and still managed to get your underwear washed and dinner on the table. If things run late, the dishes aren't done or you see dirt on the floor that needs to be swept, don't freaking wait to be asked, pitch in even if it isn't your job.
5. Never yell in anger at a woman. First of all, it is just rude. If you are miffed or inconvenienced, control your temper and resist the urge to be an ass. Women are much like flowers - if you give us rain and sunshine and the nutrients we need to grow - we will bloom and open ourselves to you in ways you cannot even imagine. We will go out of our way to do nice things for you - even if you don't really deserve it. If you hail down anger and negativity on us we will wither - becoming a dark and cold presence in your home.
6.Try to learn the nature of a woman - does she need dirt, paint, clay, pen and paper - what feeds her soul? Feeding this helps her be happy - which in turns helps her spread that happiness to you. It is in your best interest.
6. Stop what you are doing and listen. I don't care if she has said the same thing fifteen times - a woman who loves you and wants to share her heart with you deserves five minutes of your time uninterrupted. This means you stop typing or reading whatever is on the computer, or ask her to wait until the commercial if you just can't turn the TV off. If you ask her what is wrong and she say "nothing" this is a bad sign. Be especially well behaved until she is ready to talk about it.
7. Don't ever think for one moment that a woman loves you too much to leave you. The divorce rate is over 50%. Most relationships are reciprocal - if you aren't busy trying to keep her, she may not be able to see how valuable she is to you - or worse, she may not think you love her. Frankly, the woman is working her ass off, you need to let her know she is important to you- or someone else who is lonely and in need of a good woman will.
1. Women are not stupid. Just because I don't flaunt all of my degrees, or certifications or the fact that I only missed one my SATs and 10 on my MCATS - does not mean that I am not intelligent. I have learned in my socialization that most men are put off by intelligent women - especially if they have a genius IQ. That is not a lesson that goes by the wayside easily. We are forced to be overly nice and helpless in some social situations (think getting help at the hardware store) lest we be branded "bitches" --- so have the sense to know who we really are.
2.Please remember that men and women tend to be wired differently, thinking with opposite sides of the brain - but using the brain just the same. Just because something does not make sense to you, doesn't mean it is not logical. If a woman had that good sense to do some research and consult other women or other authorities in a particular area - don't diminish her decisions (see #3)
3. Choose your battles with a woman - if there is a genuine problem that is interfering with your ability to function, have a solution or two to go with your criticism - otherwise you become a part of the problem rather than the solution. Think for a moment that the way someone sets up the kitchen or arranges the bathroom is based on what they thought would work. If you weren't around to give input when things were unpacked, you can offer suggestions but do not say -"I just don't like it" or "It doesnt' makes sense." Any good parent knows that if you offer a substitution or a diversion or another way of doing something you are likely to get the results you desire.
4. Show respect. You may have a fancier job title, but most women hold a full time job plus maintain the household and childrearing responsibilities. I don't work a 60 hour week because I have another full time job at home. Don't even for one minute diminish the fact that she has worked all day, checked homework and still managed to get your underwear washed and dinner on the table. If things run late, the dishes aren't done or you see dirt on the floor that needs to be swept, don't freaking wait to be asked, pitch in even if it isn't your job.
5. Never yell in anger at a woman. First of all, it is just rude. If you are miffed or inconvenienced, control your temper and resist the urge to be an ass. Women are much like flowers - if you give us rain and sunshine and the nutrients we need to grow - we will bloom and open ourselves to you in ways you cannot even imagine. We will go out of our way to do nice things for you - even if you don't really deserve it. If you hail down anger and negativity on us we will wither - becoming a dark and cold presence in your home.
6.Try to learn the nature of a woman - does she need dirt, paint, clay, pen and paper - what feeds her soul? Feeding this helps her be happy - which in turns helps her spread that happiness to you. It is in your best interest.
6. Stop what you are doing and listen. I don't care if she has said the same thing fifteen times - a woman who loves you and wants to share her heart with you deserves five minutes of your time uninterrupted. This means you stop typing or reading whatever is on the computer, or ask her to wait until the commercial if you just can't turn the TV off. If you ask her what is wrong and she say "nothing" this is a bad sign. Be especially well behaved until she is ready to talk about it.
7. Don't ever think for one moment that a woman loves you too much to leave you. The divorce rate is over 50%. Most relationships are reciprocal - if you aren't busy trying to keep her, she may not be able to see how valuable she is to you - or worse, she may not think you love her. Frankly, the woman is working her ass off, you need to let her know she is important to you- or someone else who is lonely and in need of a good woman will.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
What Kind of Mother am I?
I was reading my buddy Wash-Lady's blog this morning and oddly enough she was talking about parenting - something that has been on my mind of late.
First, I have been thinking about it because I have had a week without kids - and frankly, I am not designed to be without the kids for very long. I keep walking through their rooms, adjusting their things because I miss them.
Secondly, my kids are staying with other relatives/friends so I have been receiving some input about their behavior. Not all of it I am thrilled about. For some reason, perhaps it is the years of single parenting, my family/friends sometimes cross the line, criticizing my kids for who they are instead of criticizing their actions. I don't think they are an emotional mess, or they are lazy, or argumentative or lacking in self control. I want them to be social and funny and talkative - it will help them maneuver and adapt - oh wait, it already has.
So what kind of parent am I? I like James Dobson myself - I have spanked my kids, though they are a little old for that now. Errors made innocently are forgiven, but I do expect respect, and errors made in defiance are punished swiftly. Truthfully, I see my job as loving the kids, giving them guidance direction so they can live on their own and allowing them room to make mistakes while living with me - as opposed to going off to college unparented to make those mistakes. I wanted my kids to wait as long as possible before complicating their lives with sex and dating - of course I did, those were big problem areas for me. I expect them to take care of themselves, to some degree. They will balk at picking up - but when it comes down to it, the kids can cook, get themselves to bed, wash their own clothes - and manage to get themselves to school most days long after I have left for work.
When I took them for counseling after we had do move and leave everything, my daughter ran through all the drama that has taken place in our lives. He said she was very well adjusted. Of course they are - we talk the living tar out of everything, I don't have any secrets from them and since I have battle scars and faults, they are allowed to as well.
While I am not proposing that they are something special, I am saying that the goals I had for the kids are being met. We don't have a rigid schedule - how could I when my schedule varied and then we added in the factors of play practice and football practice? More importantly, I am not that organized, I am doing the best I can - and if it is working for me - and working for the kids, why do other people think their criticisms are helpful. I don't' understand why having kids who are doing well in school and have friends isn't enough? Some things don't vary much like the routine at bedtime, my need to kiss them all goodbye and tell them I love them, my need to screen what they are watching on TV, and getting to Mass on the weekends. Yep - sometimes these things fall through the cracks, but these are the things I do consistently and they are much more important than who took out the trash.
Maybe there are some moms who can do it all - have a rigid schedule - have a great love life - clean house and a full time job. I figured something had to give - so fussing about the house is the first thing. When they are grown, they will not remember how many times I polished the wood, but they will remember sitting out on the swing until we fell asleep, Laughing over dinner on the porch while we watched the fireflies, cuddling up on the couch watching movies, hanging out in the yard watching me dig something else out of the garden.
So what kind of mother am I? I am a blessed mother, blessed with three very different and wonderful children who have taught me a lot about life, about truth and about how very much a life is improved by love.
First, I have been thinking about it because I have had a week without kids - and frankly, I am not designed to be without the kids for very long. I keep walking through their rooms, adjusting their things because I miss them.
Secondly, my kids are staying with other relatives/friends so I have been receiving some input about their behavior. Not all of it I am thrilled about. For some reason, perhaps it is the years of single parenting, my family/friends sometimes cross the line, criticizing my kids for who they are instead of criticizing their actions. I don't think they are an emotional mess, or they are lazy, or argumentative or lacking in self control. I want them to be social and funny and talkative - it will help them maneuver and adapt - oh wait, it already has.
So what kind of parent am I? I like James Dobson myself - I have spanked my kids, though they are a little old for that now. Errors made innocently are forgiven, but I do expect respect, and errors made in defiance are punished swiftly. Truthfully, I see my job as loving the kids, giving them guidance direction so they can live on their own and allowing them room to make mistakes while living with me - as opposed to going off to college unparented to make those mistakes. I wanted my kids to wait as long as possible before complicating their lives with sex and dating - of course I did, those were big problem areas for me. I expect them to take care of themselves, to some degree. They will balk at picking up - but when it comes down to it, the kids can cook, get themselves to bed, wash their own clothes - and manage to get themselves to school most days long after I have left for work.
When I took them for counseling after we had do move and leave everything, my daughter ran through all the drama that has taken place in our lives. He said she was very well adjusted. Of course they are - we talk the living tar out of everything, I don't have any secrets from them and since I have battle scars and faults, they are allowed to as well.
While I am not proposing that they are something special, I am saying that the goals I had for the kids are being met. We don't have a rigid schedule - how could I when my schedule varied and then we added in the factors of play practice and football practice? More importantly, I am not that organized, I am doing the best I can - and if it is working for me - and working for the kids, why do other people think their criticisms are helpful. I don't' understand why having kids who are doing well in school and have friends isn't enough? Some things don't vary much like the routine at bedtime, my need to kiss them all goodbye and tell them I love them, my need to screen what they are watching on TV, and getting to Mass on the weekends. Yep - sometimes these things fall through the cracks, but these are the things I do consistently and they are much more important than who took out the trash.
Maybe there are some moms who can do it all - have a rigid schedule - have a great love life - clean house and a full time job. I figured something had to give - so fussing about the house is the first thing. When they are grown, they will not remember how many times I polished the wood, but they will remember sitting out on the swing until we fell asleep, Laughing over dinner on the porch while we watched the fireflies, cuddling up on the couch watching movies, hanging out in the yard watching me dig something else out of the garden.
So what kind of mother am I? I am a blessed mother, blessed with three very different and wonderful children who have taught me a lot about life, about truth and about how very much a life is improved by love.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Today I am 39 - really 39
I have seen before women who work so hard to appear younger. I have, in my time, bought thousands of dollars of cosmetics, only to find that my state of mind has more bearing on my appearance than my makeup.Think I'm kidding - I looked at Justin's blog only to see that I look younger this year than I did in last years picture!
Thank you to all of you who are coming by today to wish me Happy Birthday. I thought I would share a list of things I have to be thankful for:
1. Three marvelous, strong-willed, good humored, charming children who are all in good health and who, at the moment, love me in spite of my flaws
Bear - who is stronger than she thinks and becoming a woman of character
Josh - who is growing into a great man and a good friend
Jake - who is just joy incarnate
2. The miraculous apparition of the man I've been waiting all my life for - about a year ago - and many months of loving someone who loved me back
3. My folks - especially my dad's brave fight against cancer and my mom's willingness to still play mom even though her own task pad is overflowing
4. My girlfriends: Lora, Alison, Steph, Barb, Helen, Karen, Beth, Terri, Abbey and Lyssa - and my new sister Shirsten. Nothing better than having a pack to run with and laugh with. These women are my inspiration, my sounding board and sometimes my sanity. Talk about a blessing
5.Lots of dogs, both present and past - even when they break out of the pen, I still love those dopey dogs who worship the ground we walk on.
6. A second chance at a little farm, complete with new ducks, herb garden, pecan tree, and high bush blueberries.
7. My first love - who taught me what it felt like to love and lose, and enabled me to see Justin for who he really was right from the beginning.
8. My brother who taught me about persistence
9. Being an American, where I can pursue my dreams and whine out loud if I need to
10. Having an awesome and faithful God who has given me a multitude of "one-more chances" and Who has carried me when I could not make the way on my own.
You never know how much longer you have whether it is another 39 years - or 39 days, I am a happy girl with lots of blessings to count. Have a happy day - it is so much easier when you are busy being thankful.
Thank you to all of you who are coming by today to wish me Happy Birthday. I thought I would share a list of things I have to be thankful for:
1. Three marvelous, strong-willed, good humored, charming children who are all in good health and who, at the moment, love me in spite of my flaws
Bear - who is stronger than she thinks and becoming a woman of character
Josh - who is growing into a great man and a good friend
Jake - who is just joy incarnate
2. The miraculous apparition of the man I've been waiting all my life for - about a year ago - and many months of loving someone who loved me back
3. My folks - especially my dad's brave fight against cancer and my mom's willingness to still play mom even though her own task pad is overflowing
4. My girlfriends: Lora, Alison, Steph, Barb, Helen, Karen, Beth, Terri, Abbey and Lyssa - and my new sister Shirsten. Nothing better than having a pack to run with and laugh with. These women are my inspiration, my sounding board and sometimes my sanity. Talk about a blessing
5.Lots of dogs, both present and past - even when they break out of the pen, I still love those dopey dogs who worship the ground we walk on.
6. A second chance at a little farm, complete with new ducks, herb garden, pecan tree, and high bush blueberries.
7. My first love - who taught me what it felt like to love and lose, and enabled me to see Justin for who he really was right from the beginning.
8. My brother who taught me about persistence
9. Being an American, where I can pursue my dreams and whine out loud if I need to
10. Having an awesome and faithful God who has given me a multitude of "one-more chances" and Who has carried me when I could not make the way on my own.
You never know how much longer you have whether it is another 39 years - or 39 days, I am a happy girl with lots of blessings to count. Have a happy day - it is so much easier when you are busy being thankful.
Remembering D-Day and other trivia
Busy today, but I wanted to post some interesting things I read about today. First of all , I have spent most of my life explaining to people the the mark of the Beast is 3 "6's" not the four in my birthday, so weirdign out about a June 6th birthday - well it is just plain silly.
Second I want to thank the nice girl at WalMart who carded me last week for the Killians - still happy about that.
And now for some bits of birthday trivia:
On June 6, 1944, the D-Day invasion of Europe took place during World War II as Allied forces stormed the beaches of Normandy, France.
In 1925, Walter Percy Chrysler founded the Chrysler Corporation.
In 1933, the first drive-in movie theater opened in Camden, N.J.
In 1934, the Securities and Exchange Commission was established.
In 1942, Japanese forces retreated in the World War II Battle of Midway.
In 1966, black activist James Meredith was shot and wounded as he walked along a Mississippi highway to encourage black voter registration.
In 1966, I was born to a single mom in Southfield Michigan - and adopted by my folks about a month later.
In 1968, Sen. Robert F. Kennedy died at Good Samaritan Hospital in Los Angeles, a day after he was shot by Sirhan Bishara Sirhan.
In 1985, authorities in Brazil exhumed a body later identified as the remains of Dr. Josef Mengele, the notorious “Angel of Death” of the Nazi Holocaust.
In 1987 I went with my parents, while about 8 months pregnant with Jerra, down to Union Station to have my first legal drink - a Strawberry Daqueri.
Ten years ago: U.S. astronaut Norman Thagard broke NASA’s space endurance record of 84 days, one hour and 16 minutes, aboard the Russian space station Mir.
In 2000, the kids were at my folks for the summer, so I went out to dinner with Steph, Barb, and Helen to the Holiday Inn in Chinle Arizona for free-range chicken.
In 2004, We were driving back home from Kansas City where we had stopped on our way home from Steph and Mark's wedding.
Second I want to thank the nice girl at WalMart who carded me last week for the Killians - still happy about that.
And now for some bits of birthday trivia:
On June 6, 1944, the D-Day invasion of Europe took place during World War II as Allied forces stormed the beaches of Normandy, France.
In 1925, Walter Percy Chrysler founded the Chrysler Corporation.
In 1933, the first drive-in movie theater opened in Camden, N.J.
In 1934, the Securities and Exchange Commission was established.
In 1942, Japanese forces retreated in the World War II Battle of Midway.
In 1966, black activist James Meredith was shot and wounded as he walked along a Mississippi highway to encourage black voter registration.
In 1966, I was born to a single mom in Southfield Michigan - and adopted by my folks about a month later.
In 1968, Sen. Robert F. Kennedy died at Good Samaritan Hospital in Los Angeles, a day after he was shot by Sirhan Bishara Sirhan.
In 1985, authorities in Brazil exhumed a body later identified as the remains of Dr. Josef Mengele, the notorious “Angel of Death” of the Nazi Holocaust.
In 1987 I went with my parents, while about 8 months pregnant with Jerra, down to Union Station to have my first legal drink - a Strawberry Daqueri.
Ten years ago: U.S. astronaut Norman Thagard broke NASA’s space endurance record of 84 days, one hour and 16 minutes, aboard the Russian space station Mir.
In 2000, the kids were at my folks for the summer, so I went out to dinner with Steph, Barb, and Helen to the Holiday Inn in Chinle Arizona for free-range chicken.
In 2004, We were driving back home from Kansas City where we had stopped on our way home from Steph and Mark's wedding.
Obi Won Cannoli
Funniest thing I have seen in a long time! For all fans of organic foods - or Star Wars - you gotta see this!
Friday, June 03, 2005
Canyon de Chelly - where I used to work and where we went for Thanksgiving this past year. This is the most beautiful national monument - you can hike in the canyon at no cost, the local restaurants are great and the Navajo people - well, they are simply my favorites. If you ever have occasion to work the Canyon into your plans - it is well worth the detour!
The Day Before You
Have you heard the song by Rascal Flats by this name? If you are waiting for that person to come along, it brings some solace.
This is a week of reflection - since I am turning 39 on Monday and I have started this new life. I love the line from You've Got Mail when Kathleen Kelly ( Meg Ryan) is told that she is very brave to dream of a new future, a new life.
Last year on June 3rd, I had spent the night with the kids at Jim and Brenda's house in Wheatfields, Arizona. They were good hosts and I had blue curaco margaritas the night before until my sides hurt from laughing. That morning we got up, got our things together and headed back to Albuquerque to see Stephanie. She finally found the right man and was getting married to him in two days, and I got to be in the wedding. I was feeling pretty quiet. The morning before I found out that the Ogre had let my dog out of the 6-foot fence and she had gotten hit and killed on the interstate. He denied letting her out, but unless she grew opposable thumbs, there was no other way it could have happened. I had talked to him the morning before and thoughts of losing sweet Chloe kept climbing back to the surface.
The drive took us about 4 hours - unfortunately, the boys had covered themselves in Rez dirt and were way past disgusting, so we checked in early to the Days Inn in Bernalillo. I did have the good sense to feed them from Sonic - which we didn't have in Indiana - before stopping at the hotel - single mom trick - keep them fed if you want them to behave.
I left the kids to bathe and swim and went to meet Steph and the rest of the wedding party at the Nail Salon. As usual - I was late. Sorry Steph. The salon was relaxing - though I still think the lady filed my nails down way too far. I got to meet Magnolia, one of Steph's aunts who is a massage therapist. There is a gal you want to have come over so you can get drunk and laugh about life. What a great lady. Also there was her mom, mom's best friend Anita, sister in-law Janene - whom I just adore - and Erin -Steph's best friend from Chicago - who is always fun, always gracious and a joy to be around. We Midwesterners have to stick together!
After the nail session, we were supposed to meet at the Albuquerque Isotopes Stadium for a ball game about an hour later. I got back to the hotel and Jerra and I decided to mess with my hair by putting in some highlights. The Ogre wanted my hair auburn, so I was doing my best to silently protest by making it blonde. That being done, we fished the boys out of the pool and brought them upstairs to get dressed while I hopped in the shower. Once in the shower, I heard a knock on the door. Jake answered it and let in our friend and former neighbor, Larry. He had seen the kids downstairs. Unfortunately, when I came out in a towel, Larry was still there. He said that he didn't realize I was up for that much skin - and if I would wait a minute, he'd get rid of the kids and be right back. I was so far past embarrassed - probably red up to my eyeballs. I shooed him out of the room and got everyone else ready.
The pants I was going to wear to the game had been accosted by my 9 year old with some sort of blueness - I think from the slush - so I had to wear my white linen skirt. I threw on makeup - though I finished it up in the car. I remember looking in the mirror thinking how old I looked, then being so thankful that I had gotten to see Helen and Barb, Jim and Brenda and that I just felt better being on the Reservation.
Then we piled into the Cherry Van and hopped the interstate to the baseball game. The drive was noisy - Jake and Josh bouncing in the back seat like their shorts were on fire. I was not looking forward to the game, it was hot and I was tired of running all day long. We parked and walked across the street.
Jake was out ahead of us and bounded to the top of the stairs. I saw Steph's dad and the rest of the party. There was a guy in a grey shirt with big pink flamingos with them. Jake was in his flame/dragon red and orange shirt in a similar design. He reached the top of the stairs first and went up to the man. Later I learned that he bumped into him, body slamming hello. I looked for the rest of the group while trying to keep and eye on Jake. After the group settled on tickets, I went over to the man, who was with the group. I wasn't sure who he was since Steph had invited a couple of old friends as well as some of Mark's college buddies.
I apologized to the man since now Jake was standing arm and arm with him, walking in the stadium as though they had been friends forever. He said Jake was fine and walked in to sit down. I remember vividly thinking that he was very kind and looked very tired.
That is my first memory of Justin, and the last memory I have of feeling alone in the world.
We have both written about that night - how we talked about Harry Potter and politics and religion and fatigue and fibromyalgia and dating and the Ogre and kids and a hundred other things. I remember that he drank beer, ate nachos with too many jalepenos on them and had blue eyes the same color as Jacob's. Steph turned around as did her mom, a couple of times when we got too loud, laughing about one thing or another and asked what was going on - we both replied nothing - but apparently we were mistaken.
Neither of us have any idea who won the game - oddly enough it just occurred to me that we haven't bothered to ask about it yet.
It is a story of divine intervention or luck or chance or whatever you want to call it. To me it is just proof that you never know which day will be "the day before you".
This is a week of reflection - since I am turning 39 on Monday and I have started this new life. I love the line from You've Got Mail when Kathleen Kelly ( Meg Ryan) is told that she is very brave to dream of a new future, a new life.
Last year on June 3rd, I had spent the night with the kids at Jim and Brenda's house in Wheatfields, Arizona. They were good hosts and I had blue curaco margaritas the night before until my sides hurt from laughing. That morning we got up, got our things together and headed back to Albuquerque to see Stephanie. She finally found the right man and was getting married to him in two days, and I got to be in the wedding. I was feeling pretty quiet. The morning before I found out that the Ogre had let my dog out of the 6-foot fence and she had gotten hit and killed on the interstate. He denied letting her out, but unless she grew opposable thumbs, there was no other way it could have happened. I had talked to him the morning before and thoughts of losing sweet Chloe kept climbing back to the surface.
The drive took us about 4 hours - unfortunately, the boys had covered themselves in Rez dirt and were way past disgusting, so we checked in early to the Days Inn in Bernalillo. I did have the good sense to feed them from Sonic - which we didn't have in Indiana - before stopping at the hotel - single mom trick - keep them fed if you want them to behave.
I left the kids to bathe and swim and went to meet Steph and the rest of the wedding party at the Nail Salon. As usual - I was late. Sorry Steph. The salon was relaxing - though I still think the lady filed my nails down way too far. I got to meet Magnolia, one of Steph's aunts who is a massage therapist. There is a gal you want to have come over so you can get drunk and laugh about life. What a great lady. Also there was her mom, mom's best friend Anita, sister in-law Janene - whom I just adore - and Erin -Steph's best friend from Chicago - who is always fun, always gracious and a joy to be around. We Midwesterners have to stick together!
After the nail session, we were supposed to meet at the Albuquerque Isotopes Stadium for a ball game about an hour later. I got back to the hotel and Jerra and I decided to mess with my hair by putting in some highlights. The Ogre wanted my hair auburn, so I was doing my best to silently protest by making it blonde. That being done, we fished the boys out of the pool and brought them upstairs to get dressed while I hopped in the shower. Once in the shower, I heard a knock on the door. Jake answered it and let in our friend and former neighbor, Larry. He had seen the kids downstairs. Unfortunately, when I came out in a towel, Larry was still there. He said that he didn't realize I was up for that much skin - and if I would wait a minute, he'd get rid of the kids and be right back. I was so far past embarrassed - probably red up to my eyeballs. I shooed him out of the room and got everyone else ready.
The pants I was going to wear to the game had been accosted by my 9 year old with some sort of blueness - I think from the slush - so I had to wear my white linen skirt. I threw on makeup - though I finished it up in the car. I remember looking in the mirror thinking how old I looked, then being so thankful that I had gotten to see Helen and Barb, Jim and Brenda and that I just felt better being on the Reservation.
Then we piled into the Cherry Van and hopped the interstate to the baseball game. The drive was noisy - Jake and Josh bouncing in the back seat like their shorts were on fire. I was not looking forward to the game, it was hot and I was tired of running all day long. We parked and walked across the street.
Jake was out ahead of us and bounded to the top of the stairs. I saw Steph's dad and the rest of the party. There was a guy in a grey shirt with big pink flamingos with them. Jake was in his flame/dragon red and orange shirt in a similar design. He reached the top of the stairs first and went up to the man. Later I learned that he bumped into him, body slamming hello. I looked for the rest of the group while trying to keep and eye on Jake. After the group settled on tickets, I went over to the man, who was with the group. I wasn't sure who he was since Steph had invited a couple of old friends as well as some of Mark's college buddies.
I apologized to the man since now Jake was standing arm and arm with him, walking in the stadium as though they had been friends forever. He said Jake was fine and walked in to sit down. I remember vividly thinking that he was very kind and looked very tired.
That is my first memory of Justin, and the last memory I have of feeling alone in the world.
We have both written about that night - how we talked about Harry Potter and politics and religion and fatigue and fibromyalgia and dating and the Ogre and kids and a hundred other things. I remember that he drank beer, ate nachos with too many jalepenos on them and had blue eyes the same color as Jacob's. Steph turned around as did her mom, a couple of times when we got too loud, laughing about one thing or another and asked what was going on - we both replied nothing - but apparently we were mistaken.
Neither of us have any idea who won the game - oddly enough it just occurred to me that we haven't bothered to ask about it yet.
It is a story of divine intervention or luck or chance or whatever you want to call it. To me it is just proof that you never know which day will be "the day before you".
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Intricacies
The fine line between love
and obsession have blurred
smudging together the end of me
and the beginning of you.
Perhaps all newlyweds feel this way
Euphoric, tired, scared, happy
Totally unmotivated to do anything
But linger in another sweet kiss.
Never have I loved so deeply
That it seems the breath in my lungs
Waits for your return
Eagerly patiently blue
My own life is still here
Kids and dogs and ducks and dishes
White coat consults visiting
People in need of hope
Never have I been so afraid
To be myself, voice my thoughts
and yet I am compelled
Forced by my own emotions into honesty
There are parts of who I am
That I keep hidden, protected
And to expose these intricacies is the final
Step in being truly loved
But fear is intermingled with hope,
Rational thoughts suspended in your arms
What if you see me for who I really am
and decide you don't like me?
Or worse yet... The real fear
What if there is a reason that I have been
left before, like discarded paper plates at a picnic
And the day comes that I wake up alone again.
and obsession have blurred
smudging together the end of me
and the beginning of you.
Perhaps all newlyweds feel this way
Euphoric, tired, scared, happy
Totally unmotivated to do anything
But linger in another sweet kiss.
Never have I loved so deeply
That it seems the breath in my lungs
Waits for your return
Eagerly patiently blue
My own life is still here
Kids and dogs and ducks and dishes
White coat consults visiting
People in need of hope
Never have I been so afraid
To be myself, voice my thoughts
and yet I am compelled
Forced by my own emotions into honesty
There are parts of who I am
That I keep hidden, protected
And to expose these intricacies is the final
Step in being truly loved
But fear is intermingled with hope,
Rational thoughts suspended in your arms
What if you see me for who I really am
and decide you don't like me?
Or worse yet... The real fear
What if there is a reason that I have been
left before, like discarded paper plates at a picnic
And the day comes that I wake up alone again.
Rainy Day Reflections
It is raining like mad again this morning. I decided to forgive the ducks for their adventurous nature yesterday since they followed me without incident to the big pen this morning. I changed out of my nightgown and into my tie-dye shirt - perhaps that helped. I have named the ducks - unintentionally. The Crested is Flopsy - I keep calling her that it may as well be her name! The Pekin is Madge - then the ducklings have a couple who are named: Stripe and Purdue. Funny how the names just come to you.
When I came home yesterday it was still raining - so I went out to do animal check. Our white dogs are almost entirely red from the mud in their yard. The ducks loved the rain, but were a little put out that their food got wet - have to come up with a way to stop that. Since it was pretty pleasant in spite of the rain, I decided to plant the blanket flowers and yarrow I bought two weeks ago. I am having trouble discerning where there will be enough sunlight for full sun plants, so they may get planted and then moved later depending upon what happens suring the summer. The hydrangea bush is blooming - actually it has exploded into this huge mound of powder blue blooms. Our shower is two stories up and the window in the shower overlooks the backyard. When I looked out of the shower this morning, I think there is a second hydrangea bush starting to bloom and I can see the ducks in the big pen waddling around eating mosquitoes - good girls.
Over the weekend, I found a red honeysuckle bush - made the trip to Indiana worthwhile. I am trying to do the flowers in the back yard in reds and oranges and yellows to go with the redwood deck and the brown house. I think I will plant the honeysuckle and a Joseph's coat rose bush side by side at the edge of the deck so that we can smell the fragrance as we sit out on the deck. Justin loves the smell of honeysuckles - they remind me of growing up. When we lived in Indianapolis, there was a hedge of honeysuckles that grew just outside my window and I could smell them all summer long - it was a heady sweet fragrance that seemed to cling to the moisture in the air.
The jasmine that climbs up the wall smells better that the stuff I smelled at Home Depot - good thing because I was seriously considering cutting it down. I also made the executive decision that my vegetable garden will have to go outside the fence - probably in that little area that cleared when the trees fell last winter.
I have noticed that a lot of this house is a reflection or a shadow of the house I grew up in . Our bedroom walls are olive green - the same color as the carpet in my room. The kitchen walls are lemon yellow - like the wall in my room - and the yellow my mom uses at the lake house to paint all the bird houses. The basement is in browns and oranges - like our family room in the old house. It had this great built-in bookcase, maybe I will find a spot in this house to do the same thing - goodness knows we have enough books. The walls bear my mom's paintings - just like the house I grew up in .
Funny how much changes and how much stays the same.
When I came home yesterday it was still raining - so I went out to do animal check. Our white dogs are almost entirely red from the mud in their yard. The ducks loved the rain, but were a little put out that their food got wet - have to come up with a way to stop that. Since it was pretty pleasant in spite of the rain, I decided to plant the blanket flowers and yarrow I bought two weeks ago. I am having trouble discerning where there will be enough sunlight for full sun plants, so they may get planted and then moved later depending upon what happens suring the summer. The hydrangea bush is blooming - actually it has exploded into this huge mound of powder blue blooms. Our shower is two stories up and the window in the shower overlooks the backyard. When I looked out of the shower this morning, I think there is a second hydrangea bush starting to bloom and I can see the ducks in the big pen waddling around eating mosquitoes - good girls.
Over the weekend, I found a red honeysuckle bush - made the trip to Indiana worthwhile. I am trying to do the flowers in the back yard in reds and oranges and yellows to go with the redwood deck and the brown house. I think I will plant the honeysuckle and a Joseph's coat rose bush side by side at the edge of the deck so that we can smell the fragrance as we sit out on the deck. Justin loves the smell of honeysuckles - they remind me of growing up. When we lived in Indianapolis, there was a hedge of honeysuckles that grew just outside my window and I could smell them all summer long - it was a heady sweet fragrance that seemed to cling to the moisture in the air.
The jasmine that climbs up the wall smells better that the stuff I smelled at Home Depot - good thing because I was seriously considering cutting it down. I also made the executive decision that my vegetable garden will have to go outside the fence - probably in that little area that cleared when the trees fell last winter.
I have noticed that a lot of this house is a reflection or a shadow of the house I grew up in . Our bedroom walls are olive green - the same color as the carpet in my room. The kitchen walls are lemon yellow - like the wall in my room - and the yellow my mom uses at the lake house to paint all the bird houses. The basement is in browns and oranges - like our family room in the old house. It had this great built-in bookcase, maybe I will find a spot in this house to do the same thing - goodness knows we have enough books. The walls bear my mom's paintings - just like the house I grew up in .
Funny how much changes and how much stays the same.
Body Image
I read once that there is no supposed ot be in bodies. I see people everyday here at the hospital - and the array of what makes us is astounding. Length of bone, body wieght, hair, skin color -so much variation. This occurs to me becaues yesterday I was looking at a blog that had something akin to flat belly friday - pictures of girls with flat bellies and the obligatory sexy underwear. My first thought was how much I miss the days of a flat belly. Then I remembered that I gave up that belly after I had my daughter - then more lines as I added the sons. My belly bears the scars of three beautiful children - the muscles stretched to carry them. Some women have three kids - or twelve kids - and their bodies get back into line -not mine.
Body image is such a touchy thing. I really can't complain - my cholesterol is good, my blood sugar is good, my blood pressure is fine - everyting functions like it shoudl with a minimun of muscle pain when I overdo it. I don't really have any physical problems except that my stupid wieght won't come down. Truth is I know i need to exercise, I know that would do it but I am apparently not tired enough of it
Body image is such a touchy thing. I really can't complain - my cholesterol is good, my blood sugar is good, my blood pressure is fine - everyting functions like it shoudl with a minimun of muscle pain when I overdo it. I don't really have any physical problems except that my stupid wieght won't come down. Truth is I know i need to exercise, I know that would do it but I am apparently not tired enough of it
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Seriously... This isn't a Monday???
I was awakened by the ringing of the cell phone alarm. I could hear the rain outside, but was already going through the list of things to do in my head.
Justin was tired and didn't get up until late - which meant I was also going to be late because we share a bathroom. Sharing doesn't really mean the way it sounds, usually, he gets ready first and I wait until he is done so I can hop in the shower.
So, he gets up late and I decided to tackle the dishes. We have family coming over tonight to drop some things off and I don't want the house to look like we live in pestilence, so I get the dishes done. Now it is 7:25 and he emerges from the bedroom ready to go - I still have to shower and get the ducks and dogs taken care of. I was hoping the rain would subside, but it doesn't.
I go outside still in my nightgown, barefoot, to take care of the ducks. The Pekin and Crested decide they are going to tour the yard rather than follow me this morning - so I spend 15 minutes trying to get them in the pen. Now it is 7:40 and I have to get water for the ducklings and my feet are dirty and my nightgown is starting to stick to my back because I am soaked.
I come back inside, hop in the shower and my fingers are cold - making the water from the shower seem like it is scalding hot. I take the fasted shower known to man and rush out to get dressed. As I am putting on my shoes, it occurs to me that I haven't heard the dogs. Shit.
I call Justin and he indeed kenneled the dogs - meaning that they are trapped and unable to get out to relieve themselves. More importantly, I will have to go out, now dressed for work, and let them out of the kennel into the mud and rain. Great. I switch shoes and clomp back out to their pen. I can't find Bear. She is notorious for escaping, so I search the edges of the pen looking to see where she dug out. Still can't find her - the rain is coming down harder and I am getting red mud splashed up the back of my pants . There is a loud crash behind me and THREE dogs come bursting out of the pen - Bear being in the back. Then I let Scout out of the kennel and bend one of the prongs on my ring. I run for my life out of the pen hoping none of them will jump up and spread red mud all over my clothes.
I get out to my van and the seat back on the drivers seat gives way. It now reclines back nicely - but offers no support while driving. I am seriously thinking about calling in sick.
I get to work, breakfast is good, the workload is good. I have to go back out to my van to get some insulin start kits - it is sprinkling when I leave the building but of course pouring on my way back in. I want a nap - I have put in a 10 -hour day from my stress level alone.
I seriously don't want to be at work and luckily I only have two more hours to kill until I can get outta here!
Justin was tired and didn't get up until late - which meant I was also going to be late because we share a bathroom. Sharing doesn't really mean the way it sounds, usually, he gets ready first and I wait until he is done so I can hop in the shower.
So, he gets up late and I decided to tackle the dishes. We have family coming over tonight to drop some things off and I don't want the house to look like we live in pestilence, so I get the dishes done. Now it is 7:25 and he emerges from the bedroom ready to go - I still have to shower and get the ducks and dogs taken care of. I was hoping the rain would subside, but it doesn't.
I go outside still in my nightgown, barefoot, to take care of the ducks. The Pekin and Crested decide they are going to tour the yard rather than follow me this morning - so I spend 15 minutes trying to get them in the pen. Now it is 7:40 and I have to get water for the ducklings and my feet are dirty and my nightgown is starting to stick to my back because I am soaked.
I come back inside, hop in the shower and my fingers are cold - making the water from the shower seem like it is scalding hot. I take the fasted shower known to man and rush out to get dressed. As I am putting on my shoes, it occurs to me that I haven't heard the dogs. Shit.
I call Justin and he indeed kenneled the dogs - meaning that they are trapped and unable to get out to relieve themselves. More importantly, I will have to go out, now dressed for work, and let them out of the kennel into the mud and rain. Great. I switch shoes and clomp back out to their pen. I can't find Bear. She is notorious for escaping, so I search the edges of the pen looking to see where she dug out. Still can't find her - the rain is coming down harder and I am getting red mud splashed up the back of my pants . There is a loud crash behind me and THREE dogs come bursting out of the pen - Bear being in the back. Then I let Scout out of the kennel and bend one of the prongs on my ring. I run for my life out of the pen hoping none of them will jump up and spread red mud all over my clothes.
I get out to my van and the seat back on the drivers seat gives way. It now reclines back nicely - but offers no support while driving. I am seriously thinking about calling in sick.
I get to work, breakfast is good, the workload is good. I have to go back out to my van to get some insulin start kits - it is sprinkling when I leave the building but of course pouring on my way back in. I want a nap - I have put in a 10 -hour day from my stress level alone.
I seriously don't want to be at work and luckily I only have two more hours to kill until I can get outta here!
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