A woman approached the preacher after her marriage, it was her husband's first, but not hers. She thanked the preacher for telling this story:
Our lives are like the course of a river, there are places where the water is deep, places where it pools, places where it is shallow and safe, and places where there are rapids. To navigate this course safely it will take a guide who has been down parts of this river before. Blessed is the person who finds a guide who knows where the rapids begin and can steer the boat back to safety.
Normally we get our guidance from friends and family who have navigated parts of the river, but in her case, as in mine, I know all too well what the rapids look like and how easily they can throw you out of the boat.
I have been doing a lot of reflecting of late about marriage and what it takes to make a marriage work. I have watched my parents over the years, and other couples who seem to have it down and what they all have in common is the release of their hedonistic/egocentric view of how things should be. Marriage is a unique symbiotic relationship, if it is done well. Both people give up a little of themselves to help the other thrive. There has to be a balance, each person contributing actively and most importantly, each person showing up - being present in the moments spent cultivating the relationship.
After living through several divorces, and spending time "watching the films afterwords", I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what went wrong and when. A couple of years ago I started the process of an Annulment in the Church so that I could get remarried. Lots of introspection involved in that particular process - about a hundred questions that really make you think. The re-occurring theme was each partners ability to choose the marriage over their own demons. In the end of each marriage, it was teh choosing of what was best for one person over what was best for the family that ended them - adultery, alcohol abuse, unemployment and worst - only worrying about ones' self.
I think a marriage becomes very much like an additional member of the family- like an adoring child who warms your heart, but still must be fed. There are times when we must sacrifice what we want as individuals to keep the marriage fed. Catholics believe that marriage is a sacrament, a vocation and not everyone is called. It changes the whole focus of your life, and if you have true union with your spouse and with God, it changes your whole being into something new and transcendent. Though things have not always gone well, and there were certainly issues in the past, I remember those moments, where God was welcomed and where His presence was felt - and I have grown and changed as a result of those moments.
"You can become a Christian for free but it is expensive to be a disciple,” says Dr. Tony Evans. “You can go to heaven for free but to get heaven to come down here and join you on earth costs something…What’s the difference between a victorious marriage and a defeated marriage? Discipleship.”
Discipleship in marriage means the death of our old selfish psyche, no longer going your own way, considering the needs of other first - do they need to be noisy and joyful, need to be heard, need to be taught, need to be held? Then my need for quiet or peace comes secondary to this. Not to say that discipleship means we let the family run wild, but it does mean that the whole family is considered when decisions are made. Selfishness is sure death to a marriage, as is keeping score - ie he is sitting watching TV and I am still up working and it isn't fair. Those things need to be discussed, but the negativity, and the harboring of ill thoughts has to be banished SO quickly.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Another tomorrow becomes today
The sounds of the world awakening
Bring the promise of a new day dawning
The sunbeams dancing through leaves
get their toes caught on the lace curtains
The sun warms my face, bringing comfort
Like God Himself has cradled my face in His Hands
Telling me about love, about forgiveness
Reminding me of His promise to restore my dreams
Restoration is a new life, it isn't replacement of the old
It requires letting go of what I think I need
And accepting what He knows I need
Peace, love, acceptance, and and even playing field
As I leave for work, the daffodils smile up at me
The rainclouds have opened up, washing clean the earth
The birds sing their hearts out, trilling familiar songs
And the trees with high branches, wave from their canopy
The earth is my brother, formed by the same Creator
Who patiently loves us and uses both tree and children alike
To teach, to comfort, to embody love, and to show
That life goes on, through thunderstorms that shake our roots.
Bring the promise of a new day dawning
The sunbeams dancing through leaves
get their toes caught on the lace curtains
The sun warms my face, bringing comfort
Like God Himself has cradled my face in His Hands
Telling me about love, about forgiveness
Reminding me of His promise to restore my dreams
Restoration is a new life, it isn't replacement of the old
It requires letting go of what I think I need
And accepting what He knows I need
Peace, love, acceptance, and and even playing field
As I leave for work, the daffodils smile up at me
The rainclouds have opened up, washing clean the earth
The birds sing their hearts out, trilling familiar songs
And the trees with high branches, wave from their canopy
The earth is my brother, formed by the same Creator
Who patiently loves us and uses both tree and children alike
To teach, to comfort, to embody love, and to show
That life goes on, through thunderstorms that shake our roots.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Theme Song
This has become the theme song of late. Funny how I thought the road that brought me here was broken, and that I felt the need to apologize for my brokenness - but the truth is that we are all broken and have been hurt by life and extenuating circumstances. Thus is the plight of man in a sinful world. It is a miracle to find the dented lid to go with your own dented pot ( thanks for that line Steph). Here's to love, and forgiveness, and sunshine, and tears that help you see that joy comes in the morning.
Artist: Rascal Flatts
Title: God Bless the Broken Road
CD: Feels like today
I set out on a narrow way, many years ago, Hoping I would find true love, along the broken road,
But I got lost a time or two, wiped my brow and kept pushing through, I couldn't see how every sign, pointed straight to you,
Every long lost dream, led me to where you are,
Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars, Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms,
This much I know is true,
That God blessed the broken road that lead me straight to you,
I think about the years I spent, just passin through, I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you,
But you just smile and take my hand, You've been there you understand, It's all part of a grander plan, that is coming true,
Every long lost dream, led me to where you are,
Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars, Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms,
This much I know is true,
That God bless the broken road that lead me straight to you,
Now I'm just rollin home, into my lovers arms,
This much I know is true...
That God bless the broken road that lead me straight to you, That God bless the broken road, that lead me straight, to you,
Artist: Rascal Flatts
Title: God Bless the Broken Road
CD: Feels like today
I set out on a narrow way, many years ago, Hoping I would find true love, along the broken road,
But I got lost a time or two, wiped my brow and kept pushing through, I couldn't see how every sign, pointed straight to you,
Every long lost dream, led me to where you are,
Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars, Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms,
This much I know is true,
That God blessed the broken road that lead me straight to you,
I think about the years I spent, just passin through, I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you,
But you just smile and take my hand, You've been there you understand, It's all part of a grander plan, that is coming true,
Every long lost dream, led me to where you are,
Others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars, Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms,
This much I know is true,
That God bless the broken road that lead me straight to you,
Now I'm just rollin home, into my lovers arms,
This much I know is true...
That God bless the broken road that lead me straight to you, That God bless the broken road, that lead me straight, to you,
Monday, March 28, 2005
Dented Armor and Forgiveness
Blessed are those whose transgressions are forgiven. I removed the previous post because forgiveness and acceptance should be the themes of a marriage - not revenge, not chastisement, not bitterness. I am going to consciously refuse to keep an account of a wrong - as much because I love Justin as because I have had to ask for forgiveness a multitude of times and it was granted. So once again I am faced with a decision and my mom gave the best advice: Be careful and decide if one bad yesterday is worth giving up a whole future of tomorrows.
I am going home now to lick my wounds and unpack my boxes.
I am going home now to lick my wounds and unpack my boxes.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Chemo 102
This is the second installment of my dad's day in chemo... I am forever greatful to those of you who have added him to your prayer list.
UNABRIDGED VERSION
We're in the middle of our second game (chemo treatment) of the season. Chemo on Tuesday went ok (chemo can never rate a grade higher than ok in my book). Little tired - friend said I looked pale - probably right - but feel ok, maybe a little tired. I'm not sure how you get tired from sitting in a chair all day. Actual drip connection was 6.5 hours. Probably going to be the standard fare. Relaxing in a way. Chance for Pat and me to share some quiet reflecting moments.
Talked to the Coach before the game - he was his usual cool, but assured self. I told him I thought tumors in the neck had come back a little bit since they initially went down after first chemo treatment. He looked at me in disbelief. Like I had told him that last play he had sent in from the bench was a dumb call and he should have known it wouldn't work. He gave me a very careful exam, and said he didn't think so but it was hard to tell because my lymph glands were behind the large neck muscle. Like a blitzing linebacker hiding behind an oversize tackle. Couldn't see him coming. I said I didn't understand this since I was supposed to have a low-grade lymphoma. He replied, "But it's aggressive." I said, "What's that mean?" He reminded me that "it's throughout your body". "Oh". Coaches must get tired sometimes repeating themselves to players. We must be continually reminded - what a blessing to have a good and patient coach. He reiterated the risks associated with our new higher powered offense (new chemo regimen) - chance of temporary baldness (wonder how I will look bald - Stacey's finance( personal interruption, finance is daddy's word, I think he has been promoted to fiance', but at times it probably feels like there is little difference!) looks good bald - seems to be the in thing except for my grandson Josh - he has a head of hair that won't quit - looks like I did in the 5th grade), chance of heart trouble and leukemia down the road but relatively small risk. Coach says we've got to deal with the opponent at hand, not lose today's game because we tried to save ourselves for a possible future opponent. Makes sense to me. However, did get a jolt (reality check) a little later when reading sheet on potential side effects of new drug. It kept referring to special side effects for the elderly. I was glad when I saw that because I was sure that didn't refer to me. Then I read how they defined elderly - over 60. Whoops! May have to give retirement some consideration at the end of this season.
First quarter of game proceeded well - no surprises. Each game brings more confidence and knowledge of what to expect. Finished chemo about 5pm and was about to leave when assistant coach in pressbox (nurse) stopped us and wanted to check a low blood count with coach. Coach said not to worry about it yet - these minor injuries are normal playing in this league. So Pat and I proceeded home for a quiet dinner. Hang in there Pat. I couldn't make it without my star player. She leads the interference.
The game usually doesn't get too rough until the 2nd and 3rd quarters - 5-7 days after chemo. At least that was about when all the serious side effects seemed to kick in last time. Right now, feel really good. Hit some golf balls today and cleaned up the yard. I think I will be better able to recognize beginning of side effects and nip them in bud this time. At least hope so - I think we have a much better scouting report for this game.
Pat gave me a tremendous gift. It's a CD done by Fr Jim Farrell, a Catholic priest from Indianapolis. He gives retreats at Fatima Retreat Center in Indy and is excellent. It is a mediation tape where Fr Jim leads you out the door, down the sidewalk to a path leading through the woods. He leads you down a hillside to a creek, across the creek, up the other side to an open field. We then continue across the field to a house with a wrap-around porch with a swing. We walk up the steps towards the swing on which a gentleman is swinging. The gentleman gets up and comes to meet us. He asks how He may help us. It is then that you recognize that the gentleman is Jesus. We sit down on the swing and Jesus says tell Him everything. He is very slow, loving. and patient with me. He continues to assure me that He loves me and will help me, just ask Him and trust Him. I do. We then finish, get up and walk with Jesus off the porch. Jesus vanishes and I walk back through the field, over the creek, and through the woods back home with Fr Jim. We talk together about our encounter with Christ. It is a moving experience and very healing. The music is also soothing. Gives one a lot of time to reflect and talk with one's Creator. Thanks again, Pat. What a wonderful gift from a great caregiver. This CD has gotten me through some very rough times, especially during the early stages as we were just learning about the opponent we would be dealing with. So we just proceed along one day at a time, enjoying each day together. Thank you, Lord, for your blessings, especially life and friends.
Not scheduled to meet with coach again until next game on Tuesday, April 12th. I have a blood test scheduled for next Tuesday, 3/29, just to check our progress. Coach said will probably do another CAT Scan ( the kind Scruffy likes) after third game to measure overall progress. Beginning to enter mid season routine.
God bless you and keep your thoughts and prayers coming. Prayer does change things.
UNABRIDGED VERSION
We're in the middle of our second game (chemo treatment) of the season. Chemo on Tuesday went ok (chemo can never rate a grade higher than ok in my book). Little tired - friend said I looked pale - probably right - but feel ok, maybe a little tired. I'm not sure how you get tired from sitting in a chair all day. Actual drip connection was 6.5 hours. Probably going to be the standard fare. Relaxing in a way. Chance for Pat and me to share some quiet reflecting moments.
Talked to the Coach before the game - he was his usual cool, but assured self. I told him I thought tumors in the neck had come back a little bit since they initially went down after first chemo treatment. He looked at me in disbelief. Like I had told him that last play he had sent in from the bench was a dumb call and he should have known it wouldn't work. He gave me a very careful exam, and said he didn't think so but it was hard to tell because my lymph glands were behind the large neck muscle. Like a blitzing linebacker hiding behind an oversize tackle. Couldn't see him coming. I said I didn't understand this since I was supposed to have a low-grade lymphoma. He replied, "But it's aggressive." I said, "What's that mean?" He reminded me that "it's throughout your body". "Oh". Coaches must get tired sometimes repeating themselves to players. We must be continually reminded - what a blessing to have a good and patient coach. He reiterated the risks associated with our new higher powered offense (new chemo regimen) - chance of temporary baldness (wonder how I will look bald - Stacey's finance( personal interruption, finance is daddy's word, I think he has been promoted to fiance', but at times it probably feels like there is little difference!) looks good bald - seems to be the in thing except for my grandson Josh - he has a head of hair that won't quit - looks like I did in the 5th grade), chance of heart trouble and leukemia down the road but relatively small risk. Coach says we've got to deal with the opponent at hand, not lose today's game because we tried to save ourselves for a possible future opponent. Makes sense to me. However, did get a jolt (reality check) a little later when reading sheet on potential side effects of new drug. It kept referring to special side effects for the elderly. I was glad when I saw that because I was sure that didn't refer to me. Then I read how they defined elderly - over 60. Whoops! May have to give retirement some consideration at the end of this season.
First quarter of game proceeded well - no surprises. Each game brings more confidence and knowledge of what to expect. Finished chemo about 5pm and was about to leave when assistant coach in pressbox (nurse) stopped us and wanted to check a low blood count with coach. Coach said not to worry about it yet - these minor injuries are normal playing in this league. So Pat and I proceeded home for a quiet dinner. Hang in there Pat. I couldn't make it without my star player. She leads the interference.
The game usually doesn't get too rough until the 2nd and 3rd quarters - 5-7 days after chemo. At least that was about when all the serious side effects seemed to kick in last time. Right now, feel really good. Hit some golf balls today and cleaned up the yard. I think I will be better able to recognize beginning of side effects and nip them in bud this time. At least hope so - I think we have a much better scouting report for this game.
Pat gave me a tremendous gift. It's a CD done by Fr Jim Farrell, a Catholic priest from Indianapolis. He gives retreats at Fatima Retreat Center in Indy and is excellent. It is a mediation tape where Fr Jim leads you out the door, down the sidewalk to a path leading through the woods. He leads you down a hillside to a creek, across the creek, up the other side to an open field. We then continue across the field to a house with a wrap-around porch with a swing. We walk up the steps towards the swing on which a gentleman is swinging. The gentleman gets up and comes to meet us. He asks how He may help us. It is then that you recognize that the gentleman is Jesus. We sit down on the swing and Jesus says tell Him everything. He is very slow, loving. and patient with me. He continues to assure me that He loves me and will help me, just ask Him and trust Him. I do. We then finish, get up and walk with Jesus off the porch. Jesus vanishes and I walk back through the field, over the creek, and through the woods back home with Fr Jim. We talk together about our encounter with Christ. It is a moving experience and very healing. The music is also soothing. Gives one a lot of time to reflect and talk with one's Creator. Thanks again, Pat. What a wonderful gift from a great caregiver. This CD has gotten me through some very rough times, especially during the early stages as we were just learning about the opponent we would be dealing with. So we just proceed along one day at a time, enjoying each day together. Thank you, Lord, for your blessings, especially life and friends.
Not scheduled to meet with coach again until next game on Tuesday, April 12th. I have a blood test scheduled for next Tuesday, 3/29, just to check our progress. Coach said will probably do another CAT Scan ( the kind Scruffy likes) after third game to measure overall progress. Beginning to enter mid season routine.
God bless you and keep your thoughts and prayers coming. Prayer does change things.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Cinderella Fantasies
I bought Wild at Heart for Justin- and for me since I am raising two boys, I need to read everything I can to help them navigate. The book talks about men in the world of Christianity - and how being "good" is boring. It starts with the idea that men were born in the wilderness, not in the Garden - and that there are aspects to the nature of men that need to be fed. If you are a man struggling with the role of men in Christian churches - or you feel like you just don't fit, you might really enjoy this book - I found it very similar to the Women who Run the the Wolves book by Clarissa Pinkola Estes - good read.
The first chapter I turned to discussed Cinderella fantasies, what women are taught men should be like, what they expect, what they dream about and how women think - and it hit me between the eyes. I have been feeling very uncomfortable about the level of addiction/love/passion/ entanglement I feel for Justin - and suddenly it made sense. Every fairy tale I have ever read includes the woman being rescued - and being a part of a grand adventure. It is the scenario I have longed for - though not the circumstance - for my entire life. I love sappy romance movies - where the man just can't help but be gallant and come to the woman's rescue - Never Been Kissed, 50 First Dates, French Kiss, Notting Hill, Hope Floats -I have a ton of movies that make me cry at the end when the man realizes he just can't live without her. For an educated woman this seems silly- I have been told that plenty of times - but the truth is, it happened to me.
I was rescued in every way that a person can be rescued ( to borrow the line from Titanic)- saved from fear, saved from actual physical danger, saved from certain financial ruin when I found myself jobless and homeless, saved from a future without the promise of love. How can you help but adore a man who actually comes to your rescue - proves that he will in fact do the things most men agree to only in theory - and then decides to keep you even though you have been a lot of trouble?
Today I am resolving to keep my boundaries, but to stop worrying that I love too deeply or feel too entwined. Worrying about these things is a tie in to old memories - and old needs to protect myself for when the man leaves. This is a new story and a new path. I tell my patients that when you are doing something new and it is uncomfortable, then you are doing it right. Perhaps I should take my own counsel on this one.
The first chapter I turned to discussed Cinderella fantasies, what women are taught men should be like, what they expect, what they dream about and how women think - and it hit me between the eyes. I have been feeling very uncomfortable about the level of addiction/love/passion/ entanglement I feel for Justin - and suddenly it made sense. Every fairy tale I have ever read includes the woman being rescued - and being a part of a grand adventure. It is the scenario I have longed for - though not the circumstance - for my entire life. I love sappy romance movies - where the man just can't help but be gallant and come to the woman's rescue - Never Been Kissed, 50 First Dates, French Kiss, Notting Hill, Hope Floats -I have a ton of movies that make me cry at the end when the man realizes he just can't live without her. For an educated woman this seems silly- I have been told that plenty of times - but the truth is, it happened to me.
I was rescued in every way that a person can be rescued ( to borrow the line from Titanic)- saved from fear, saved from actual physical danger, saved from certain financial ruin when I found myself jobless and homeless, saved from a future without the promise of love. How can you help but adore a man who actually comes to your rescue - proves that he will in fact do the things most men agree to only in theory - and then decides to keep you even though you have been a lot of trouble?
Today I am resolving to keep my boundaries, but to stop worrying that I love too deeply or feel too entwined. Worrying about these things is a tie in to old memories - and old needs to protect myself for when the man leaves. This is a new story and a new path. I tell my patients that when you are doing something new and it is uncomfortable, then you are doing it right. Perhaps I should take my own counsel on this one.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Seeking Enlightented Commentary
Rarely do I post to actually get some feedback - but I have two pressing issues and I could use some counsel.
I was asked about a gift registry for the wedding - Justin's first- not my first. Is this appropriate? Factors here include that the wedding will be small - immediate family and a couple close friends. We will have a house warming/reception a couple of weeks later for friends and co-workers - but I don't want people to feel obligated to bring something. I am thinking of attaching a registry like Target or Amazon to a website on the Knot - and directing people there for questions. Don't want to be uncooperative - more importantly, don't want to be greedy - we have a lot of stuff!
Also there was the issue of changing my last name. You know how women write thier first name and their fiance's last name down to see how it looks? I have not even written it down for fear of jinxing the whole thing. I am really struggling with what to do. There is the possiblity that children 1 and 2 may be adopted, but no conclusion about changing their names to his. Odds are that the kids will keep my maiden name, at least for the time being. I could hyphenate (not my first choice) or I could change it personally, and leave my maiden name professionally, or I could change it both places and have a different last name than my children - any thoughts???
I was asked about a gift registry for the wedding - Justin's first- not my first. Is this appropriate? Factors here include that the wedding will be small - immediate family and a couple close friends. We will have a house warming/reception a couple of weeks later for friends and co-workers - but I don't want people to feel obligated to bring something. I am thinking of attaching a registry like Target or Amazon to a website on the Knot - and directing people there for questions. Don't want to be uncooperative - more importantly, don't want to be greedy - we have a lot of stuff!
Also there was the issue of changing my last name. You know how women write thier first name and their fiance's last name down to see how it looks? I have not even written it down for fear of jinxing the whole thing. I am really struggling with what to do. There is the possiblity that children 1 and 2 may be adopted, but no conclusion about changing their names to his. Odds are that the kids will keep my maiden name, at least for the time being. I could hyphenate (not my first choice) or I could change it personally, and leave my maiden name professionally, or I could change it both places and have a different last name than my children - any thoughts???
Monday, March 21, 2005
Blessings Abound
The weekend spent gathering my things from storage and moving them south went exceptionally well. Other than Justin's gun in the glove compartment, and my need to cover my face as we drove near the Ogre's house, there were only wisps of him and the weekend was mostly peaceful.
First, I got to visit with my folks who looked pale and tired, but are holding up well. My dad had an opportunity to talk to Justin for awhile - something both men needed - and explained that he has given me away already - so his lack of attendance at our wedding should not be misconstrued as lack of approval. Justin also told my dad that he would take care of us - something he is proven he certainly intends to do.
Second - it was just like Christmas - opening boxes and trash bags to discover things we forgot we had. Some of these things have been packed for almost a year - so it was great. My boxes were pretty easily identifiable - the scent of vanilla and lavender wafting from them. I have a lot of clothes - and for that I am thankful (though ironically, today I am once again wearing the same gray skirt that I have worn twice a week for the last six months!!)
We got everything to fit in the U-Haul trucks, made a quick run to Goodwill to drop off a couple of items and got to eat lunch at Culvers- not health food, but man it was good. Packing took from about 8 until 2:30, the kids got to see their friends, Jake got to see his dad and I slept like a rock. Unloading was fairly uneventful -though I developed a deep respect for semi drivers - I had to back the U-haul with trailer in-tow down the road to the house - it wasn't pretty.
Third blessing was the realization that God had planted my new yard - there is a tulip tree, hundreds of daffodils in a range of colors, tulips are peeking up, Irises and Daylillies are about eight inches high, little violets are blooming in the yard and there is a Bradford pear awash in white clouds already. I was so sad about leaving all my bulbs and flowers in Indiana - it is like God knew what I was going to lose, so He planted them at the new house.
Fourth blessing - we set a wedding date, which gives me about 6 weeks to get the new house unpacked and ready for visitors! I am happy and tired and my muscles feel like I over did it a bit, but it is a good kind of tired. More boxes to unpack and some bed frames to set up today - and we should be ready to sleep at the new house by the weekend. Can hardly wait!
First, I got to visit with my folks who looked pale and tired, but are holding up well. My dad had an opportunity to talk to Justin for awhile - something both men needed - and explained that he has given me away already - so his lack of attendance at our wedding should not be misconstrued as lack of approval. Justin also told my dad that he would take care of us - something he is proven he certainly intends to do.
Second - it was just like Christmas - opening boxes and trash bags to discover things we forgot we had. Some of these things have been packed for almost a year - so it was great. My boxes were pretty easily identifiable - the scent of vanilla and lavender wafting from them. I have a lot of clothes - and for that I am thankful (though ironically, today I am once again wearing the same gray skirt that I have worn twice a week for the last six months!!)
We got everything to fit in the U-Haul trucks, made a quick run to Goodwill to drop off a couple of items and got to eat lunch at Culvers- not health food, but man it was good. Packing took from about 8 until 2:30, the kids got to see their friends, Jake got to see his dad and I slept like a rock. Unloading was fairly uneventful -though I developed a deep respect for semi drivers - I had to back the U-haul with trailer in-tow down the road to the house - it wasn't pretty.
Third blessing was the realization that God had planted my new yard - there is a tulip tree, hundreds of daffodils in a range of colors, tulips are peeking up, Irises and Daylillies are about eight inches high, little violets are blooming in the yard and there is a Bradford pear awash in white clouds already. I was so sad about leaving all my bulbs and flowers in Indiana - it is like God knew what I was going to lose, so He planted them at the new house.
Fourth blessing - we set a wedding date, which gives me about 6 weeks to get the new house unpacked and ready for visitors! I am happy and tired and my muscles feel like I over did it a bit, but it is a good kind of tired. More boxes to unpack and some bed frames to set up today - and we should be ready to sleep at the new house by the weekend. Can hardly wait!
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Fear is the Enemy
We are going back to seem my dad and get my things this weekend. Saddly enough, I am scared. Scared that there will be a confrontation with the Ogre, scared that somehow he will find us and hurt someone, scared to drive back into the area and possibly run into him. I know that Justin is able to protect us, but truth is that I am still scared. I haven't slept now in two nights, weird dreams and scenarios palying out in my head. I decided last night to augment sleep with a little White Russian, but it didn't help. First awakening was at 1 and they continued throughout the night. This morning at 3:25 I was sure I heard the alarm sound that someone was in the house, so I padded out with the BB gun and checked on everyone - haven't done that since September and it upsets me that I had to do it again.
Fear is the absence of faith and I know better than to be afraid - but I think we are so mu more susceptible when we are sleepy. Hope to sleep tonight so that I can be prepared for the trip!
Fear is the absence of faith and I know better than to be afraid - but I think we are so mu more susceptible when we are sleepy. Hope to sleep tonight so that I can be prepared for the trip!
Monday, March 14, 2005
We need to watch what we say
I am blessed to live in a land of free speech. However, just because we can say something does not mean we should. I have been listening of late to a lot of political rhetoric about the war in Iraq and the soldiers stationed in Afghanistan - and whether I agree with the politics or not, there are men and women who have given their lives and that deserves our respect. There are ways ot disagree with the cause without dimishing the people involved - just like talking to your kids about not liking what they have done, but still loving the child.
I grew up with a Vietnamese boy across the street whose family was killed in Vietnam. I remember being in awe when he and his friends from home would start to talk and when they would cook for us and burn our tongues with the peppers. I was just a child during Vietnam, but what I do remember is that there were a lot of soldiers who came home to a country which did not outwardly appreciate the sacrifice. We handled it badly and our hospitals are filled with Vietnam Vets who have all sorts of mental ailments from the drugs they took to forget. I know there is a lot more to it, like personal responsibility, but the bottom line is - people made a sacrifice for their country - at the bare minimum, they interrupted their lives - some of them even gave their lives. Whether we agreed with the politics or not, there should be respect and appreciation. Argue politics with politicians, give they guy who stood in front of the gun your respect.
This is in my brain because I heard a guy on a call-in radio show talk about how disgraceful the soldiers - actually the whole cause - is in Iraq and it just steams me. On the drive to West Virginia over the weekend we drove through lots of little towns with sheets painted " Welcome Home Private so and so from Iraq". Lots of families have made a sacrifice of their children to do what they think is right by joining the armed forces. These folks are giving up their lives - there are over a thousand children in the US who have lost a parent in Iraq, let alone the thousands of mothers who had to see their sons and daughters come home in a flag-draped box.
We should watch how we use words like disgrace and shame and war-for- oil. What child wants to hear someone say her daddy died in a war for oil??? And what schmuck has the right to say such a thing? With great freedom comes great responsibility - and though it isn't a law, we who posses free speech should remember that the tongue is mightier than the sword - and the careless word can scar a child - or a generation - in deep ways we cannot see. Truth is we should watch what we say - use our words to heal, bring positive change, find creative ways to help one another so guns won't be necessary.
I remember when Josh was little, I would tell him if he couldn't find something constructive to do that he should think up a cure for cancer - maybe this guy on the radio could use some of that energy to come up with another solution, a better solution - those kids who lost their parents in Iraq would surely welcome a solution that didn't involve guns.
I grew up with a Vietnamese boy across the street whose family was killed in Vietnam. I remember being in awe when he and his friends from home would start to talk and when they would cook for us and burn our tongues with the peppers. I was just a child during Vietnam, but what I do remember is that there were a lot of soldiers who came home to a country which did not outwardly appreciate the sacrifice. We handled it badly and our hospitals are filled with Vietnam Vets who have all sorts of mental ailments from the drugs they took to forget. I know there is a lot more to it, like personal responsibility, but the bottom line is - people made a sacrifice for their country - at the bare minimum, they interrupted their lives - some of them even gave their lives. Whether we agreed with the politics or not, there should be respect and appreciation. Argue politics with politicians, give they guy who stood in front of the gun your respect.
This is in my brain because I heard a guy on a call-in radio show talk about how disgraceful the soldiers - actually the whole cause - is in Iraq and it just steams me. On the drive to West Virginia over the weekend we drove through lots of little towns with sheets painted " Welcome Home Private so and so from Iraq". Lots of families have made a sacrifice of their children to do what they think is right by joining the armed forces. These folks are giving up their lives - there are over a thousand children in the US who have lost a parent in Iraq, let alone the thousands of mothers who had to see their sons and daughters come home in a flag-draped box.
We should watch how we use words like disgrace and shame and war-for- oil. What child wants to hear someone say her daddy died in a war for oil??? And what schmuck has the right to say such a thing? With great freedom comes great responsibility - and though it isn't a law, we who posses free speech should remember that the tongue is mightier than the sword - and the careless word can scar a child - or a generation - in deep ways we cannot see. Truth is we should watch what we say - use our words to heal, bring positive change, find creative ways to help one another so guns won't be necessary.
I remember when Josh was little, I would tell him if he couldn't find something constructive to do that he should think up a cure for cancer - maybe this guy on the radio could use some of that energy to come up with another solution, a better solution - those kids who lost their parents in Iraq would surely welcome a solution that didn't involve guns.
Friday, March 11, 2005
OOPS - I need another calculator!
Did you ever do something, then after thinking about it, come to thr conclusion that you really messed things up?? Then to top it off, not ask for anyhelp because you were ashamed to admit you messed things up?
I was on duty to buy carpet and get it installed before the move. I went to an outlet store last night, felt like I got a good deal and then looked at the receipt. It said 27' ( that is 27 square feet I assumed). Well, I did the math and checked the receipt - and it looked like I paid $6/square foot for my carpet - which is not a good deal. I called Justin to have him use a calculator to check my math - still bad and he came up with the same amount.
Luckily, on top of having bad judgement, I also measure poorly - and a recheck of my measurements yeilded 4 extra feet of room to be carpeted - another oops.
I called back to the salesman, he could fix the problem for the same price and would just charge the extra yards to my Visa again. I asked if it was $6 a square foot as well, he chuckled - actually was pretty close to a belly laugh - no, no, no he said - it was $6 a square yard. Well, I rechecked my math and now feel much less like a goofball. I paid $1.48/square foot, not $6 per square foot and now I have again confirmed that my math skills are lacking. Odd thing is that I can figure an insulin ratio or an IV drip rate flawlessly - and if you are a recipeint of my nursing skills, you could care less about my bad financial skills!
I was on duty to buy carpet and get it installed before the move. I went to an outlet store last night, felt like I got a good deal and then looked at the receipt. It said 27' ( that is 27 square feet I assumed). Well, I did the math and checked the receipt - and it looked like I paid $6/square foot for my carpet - which is not a good deal. I called Justin to have him use a calculator to check my math - still bad and he came up with the same amount.
Luckily, on top of having bad judgement, I also measure poorly - and a recheck of my measurements yeilded 4 extra feet of room to be carpeted - another oops.
I called back to the salesman, he could fix the problem for the same price and would just charge the extra yards to my Visa again. I asked if it was $6 a square foot as well, he chuckled - actually was pretty close to a belly laugh - no, no, no he said - it was $6 a square yard. Well, I rechecked my math and now feel much less like a goofball. I paid $1.48/square foot, not $6 per square foot and now I have again confirmed that my math skills are lacking. Odd thing is that I can figure an insulin ratio or an IV drip rate flawlessly - and if you are a recipeint of my nursing skills, you could care less about my bad financial skills!
Taking Turns
I have always felt that it was my responsiblity to be there for my folks. I know in my rational mind that they are able to do things for themselves, but still had this nagging feeling that it was my responsibility to be there to help with planting on Mother's Day or putting in the piers at the lake house. With the exception of our time on the Reservation, we have always lived within a hour drive - usually less than half an hour - from them.
Now my dad is sick and I am 600 miles away. I am not doing as well with this as I thought I would. Yesterday was tough on him, as the symptoms of the lymphoma and chemo are starting to drain his strength. Mom tells me his face is pale, and while I know that she tends to exaggerate, it has me scared. I think I was trying to delude myself into believing maybe he would not get any side effects.
My brother, Davey, is in West Virginia at the moment - he has had moments off and on where he was around for the folks, but his own demons often make this impossible. Talking to him on the phone I realize that right now, he can do something I cannot - he can sympathize and baby my mom. I want her to be stronger, want her to carry the burden of a sick husband without falling apart - to be strong and patient with him - like I had to do waiting for my son to die from a brain tumor. I know as well as anyone how painful those minutes and hours of wondering and worrying are - and try as I might to be more patient, I still expect her to handle it. I can't understand why it is my job to bring her comfort in a situation where I can find little comfort of my own. I can't fix this!
I remember when I came crying to my dad after Jacob's dad left - I was eight months pregnant and had the two kids already - he told me in true Loner fashion - Well, looks like you have some kids to raise. It isn't goign to be easy, we'll help you where we can, but you don't have the luxury of falling apart right now. This may sound a bit harsh, but actually, it put things in perspective. I had to count on myself - so couldn't fall apart!
I want her to do the same, and I am finding myself being overly critical. I have always felt that we defer way too often to my mom's whims - and right now, I don't feel like coddling her. But Davey does. So to rectify this as much as possible - I am going to West Virginia to pick him up - then I am taking him with me to the folks. It is his turn - and I hope that he can be a help and be a comfort to them - they need someone around, and right now, I just can't do it.
Now my dad is sick and I am 600 miles away. I am not doing as well with this as I thought I would. Yesterday was tough on him, as the symptoms of the lymphoma and chemo are starting to drain his strength. Mom tells me his face is pale, and while I know that she tends to exaggerate, it has me scared. I think I was trying to delude myself into believing maybe he would not get any side effects.
My brother, Davey, is in West Virginia at the moment - he has had moments off and on where he was around for the folks, but his own demons often make this impossible. Talking to him on the phone I realize that right now, he can do something I cannot - he can sympathize and baby my mom. I want her to be stronger, want her to carry the burden of a sick husband without falling apart - to be strong and patient with him - like I had to do waiting for my son to die from a brain tumor. I know as well as anyone how painful those minutes and hours of wondering and worrying are - and try as I might to be more patient, I still expect her to handle it. I can't understand why it is my job to bring her comfort in a situation where I can find little comfort of my own. I can't fix this!
I remember when I came crying to my dad after Jacob's dad left - I was eight months pregnant and had the two kids already - he told me in true Loner fashion - Well, looks like you have some kids to raise. It isn't goign to be easy, we'll help you where we can, but you don't have the luxury of falling apart right now. This may sound a bit harsh, but actually, it put things in perspective. I had to count on myself - so couldn't fall apart!
I want her to do the same, and I am finding myself being overly critical. I have always felt that we defer way too often to my mom's whims - and right now, I don't feel like coddling her. But Davey does. So to rectify this as much as possible - I am going to West Virginia to pick him up - then I am taking him with me to the folks. It is his turn - and I hope that he can be a help and be a comfort to them - they need someone around, and right now, I just can't do it.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Balance
I was talking to a coworker yesterday about Justin and she remarked how great it was that we seem to balance each other out. I was giving that a bit more thought today and realized that this is the first symbiotic relationship I have had (other than a couple of my girl friends) - every other one has been parasitic.
I like to work on projects - give me something to work on in the house and I am happy as a clam. I like to see aspects of the yard that need tilling or planting and I am fulfilled in seeing the fruits of my labors. I have been both gifted and cursed by broad hips, big hands and a strong back. Physical labor suits me. I don't have money, but I build in sweat equity.
Justin's body is not as strong. His muscles ache when he spends time digging or sanding or painting. These activities do not bring him joy, but discomfort. No problem there, I have it covered.
I work myself to exhaustion and have a really hard time asking for help. He on the other hand is very perceptive about when I have reached the exhaustion point, and he pitches in and gathers reinforcements to help me. Never had that happen before. Justin helps me stop. He gently pulls me aside, closes the door, pours me a drink, or moves me out of the line of fire when I have reached my exhaustion point - just as I can tell when he is working too hard and I will try to make his life easier by cooking dinner or doing the laundry. It is a team effort.
I get tired and I let things slide that I should follow up on. I think I am mostly consistent, but I could do better. Justin is more objective and less worn out, so when I have had it and the boys still need guidance at the end of the day, he goes in for guy time, sitting on the side of the bed chatting about the really important things which make a boy into a man.
I stink at money management - I am not just bad, I really stink at it. Last year I paid over $500 in fees for stupid overdraft fees. Justin is great at paying bills. His credit score rescued us when it came time to get the house. Having him take over this arena has been a Godsend because as I said, I cannot do this well.
I always loved listening to couples who truly saw the amazing person his/her spouse was and said things like - I was lucky enough to get her to marry me, or he knows me and stays anyway, or he was the best thing to ever happen to me. It is a testimony of our own self knowledge and a testimony to the incredible value in finding the person who was made for you. I marvel to the point of tears when I think of just how blessed I have been and wonder what I could have possibly done to deserve so much happiness.
I wanted to post this because I think a marriage is about balance - each of us using our strengths to make the family a better place to be - each of us helping the other. Most importantly, there isn't a scorecard. Frankly, I am thankful for that - how could you catch up the score in a match where the other person allowed you and your kids and your dogs to invade his house while unemployed, use nearly every inch of it - not to mention the utilities - and never complain? All I can say is that I am glad there is no tally sheet - because I am no where near being caught up if we are keeping score.
Additionally I want to say thank you to God, who has remained faithful and seen fit to bless me with the love of my life, a deliverer, a knight in shining armor - just when I needed it most. May I live my life worthy of the blessings that have been bestowed. Thank you for giving a father to my sons and a man (other than my dad and uncles) that my daughter can respect.
I like to work on projects - give me something to work on in the house and I am happy as a clam. I like to see aspects of the yard that need tilling or planting and I am fulfilled in seeing the fruits of my labors. I have been both gifted and cursed by broad hips, big hands and a strong back. Physical labor suits me. I don't have money, but I build in sweat equity.
Justin's body is not as strong. His muscles ache when he spends time digging or sanding or painting. These activities do not bring him joy, but discomfort. No problem there, I have it covered.
I work myself to exhaustion and have a really hard time asking for help. He on the other hand is very perceptive about when I have reached the exhaustion point, and he pitches in and gathers reinforcements to help me. Never had that happen before. Justin helps me stop. He gently pulls me aside, closes the door, pours me a drink, or moves me out of the line of fire when I have reached my exhaustion point - just as I can tell when he is working too hard and I will try to make his life easier by cooking dinner or doing the laundry. It is a team effort.
I get tired and I let things slide that I should follow up on. I think I am mostly consistent, but I could do better. Justin is more objective and less worn out, so when I have had it and the boys still need guidance at the end of the day, he goes in for guy time, sitting on the side of the bed chatting about the really important things which make a boy into a man.
I stink at money management - I am not just bad, I really stink at it. Last year I paid over $500 in fees for stupid overdraft fees. Justin is great at paying bills. His credit score rescued us when it came time to get the house. Having him take over this arena has been a Godsend because as I said, I cannot do this well.
I always loved listening to couples who truly saw the amazing person his/her spouse was and said things like - I was lucky enough to get her to marry me, or he knows me and stays anyway, or he was the best thing to ever happen to me. It is a testimony of our own self knowledge and a testimony to the incredible value in finding the person who was made for you. I marvel to the point of tears when I think of just how blessed I have been and wonder what I could have possibly done to deserve so much happiness.
I wanted to post this because I think a marriage is about balance - each of us using our strengths to make the family a better place to be - each of us helping the other. Most importantly, there isn't a scorecard. Frankly, I am thankful for that - how could you catch up the score in a match where the other person allowed you and your kids and your dogs to invade his house while unemployed, use nearly every inch of it - not to mention the utilities - and never complain? All I can say is that I am glad there is no tally sheet - because I am no where near being caught up if we are keeping score.
Additionally I want to say thank you to God, who has remained faithful and seen fit to bless me with the love of my life, a deliverer, a knight in shining armor - just when I needed it most. May I live my life worthy of the blessings that have been bestowed. Thank you for giving a father to my sons and a man (other than my dad and uncles) that my daughter can respect.
Monday, March 07, 2005
When all else fails - play football
My dad played football - actually it was a lot more than that. To say we live football sounds obsessive - but we live and love it in the best possible terms. Daddy played in high school and was a local town hero whose passing records still held nearly twenty years after graduation. He went to college on a football scholarship and did a little stint with the Baltimore Colts - back in the Day of Johnny Unitas. More importantly, he coached - from the time I was in grade school through the end of my college days. Hundreds of boys had him as their coach - and he treated each of them as he treated his children - encouraging, cajoling and yelling when the need was there. My own boys knew that playing football wasn't optional - it was mandatory - at least in the beginning. Every fall is overbooked trying to watch college games, the Colts ( Peyton has such a lovely arm) and then the boy's games. Makes for a cheap date when all you really need to entertain me is a decent game and a Diet Coke.
This explains all the references to the game during the cancer treatment. Football has become like our own family secret language - and when it is written in this context - we understand. Below is Daddy's latest installment:
I've got a few minutes and quite a bit has happened since last update, so let's see how our current drive to the end zone is progressing. Of course, It's still the 1st quarter. After 1st Chemo treatment, major concern was Creatinine level (measures kidney function - Normal range = .7 - 1.2). Mine was 2.0 before chemo started. Not good because body discards cancer cells thru kidneys, so kidneys can be expected to slow down after chemo starts, but one doesn't want to start behind the 8 ball. I had to go back to Lafayette on Wed, 3/2 for blood test. Creatinine had dropped to 1.8 - good sign. Feeling really good. Neck tumors seem to be disappearing and stomach bloated feeling is pretty much gone. Went back to Lafayette again on Thurs, 3/3 for another blood test. The blood draw was an experience - our offense really struggled here - it looked like the drive was over.
It all started with nurse, Donna, who took the blood draw. She was a dandy. About a 305 lb defensive tackle - MEAN! She had to stick me twice for the blood draw. 1st time missed my port - didn't think that was possible - that's the reason you get a port installed, to make it easy and painless for administering chemo and drawing blood. She said it must have moved when she wasn't looking - Illegal Motion it looked like to me. Oh well, at least unnecessary roughness (got to protect those quarterbacks you know). Rest of blood draw proceeded OK - just didn't run the ball to Donna's side. Back to the chemo treatment room for an unplanned treatment.
After waiting for blood test results, nurse comes out and reports that Dr says I need an I V - "Oh no, what's wrong?" Need an I V saline solution. Should take about an hour. Delay of game call.
Pat and I retired to the chemo treatment room, I sat in the recliner, and we waited for a nurse to come in to administer I V. Guess who comes moseying in - yep - you guessed it - all 305 lbs of Deadly Donna. Our offense really started to struggle now. My 1st play called was, "You've got one chance to get that I V needle in that port!". The pressure was on. Needle went into the port - real slick - didn't hurt. Wow, maybe we can get moving again. WHOOPS! Donna was hooking up I V monitor to the pole which supports it so you can walk it to bathroom (remember). Suddenly heard a large crashing noise. I V monitor had crashed to the floor. "Oh, that sometimes happens" she said, and proceeded to pick up the pieces and reattach it. Major infraction -- we're backed out of the red zone. We got the offense rolling again and I V proceeded without difficulty. After drip was over, monitor started beeping and Donna came in to disconnect. OUCH! She pinched me when she withdrew the needle - pinched right where I had all the previous needle sticks. Illegal contact, I yelled. Earlier during the I V I learned that her husband just bought a funeral parlor in Lafayette. I think she's trying to drum up business. Let's just kick a field goal and get out of here (way to kick, Falk).
.Dr (great guy) came in to see me during I V and said Creatinine had dropped to 1.7, doing I V as precautionary measure- conservative coach. Wanted another blood test on Fri (3/4 - my birthday), but said could be drawn in Monticello Friday's test results were 1.4. Yea! (Cheerleaders). Creatinine level is coming down. Chemo seems to be really working in destroying cells (hopefully mostly cancer cells) and Dr wants to make sure kidneys stay flushed out.
All in all, I feel great - no nausea nor other side effects. I'm a walking drug store - let me know what you need and I can probably fix you up
First quarter is drawing to a close. Next meeting with Coach (Dr) is Tues, 3/8, 11:30. Will get some more input from pressbox. Approximately 5-7 more treatments to go. Thanks for the thoughts & prayers.
This explains all the references to the game during the cancer treatment. Football has become like our own family secret language - and when it is written in this context - we understand. Below is Daddy's latest installment:
I've got a few minutes and quite a bit has happened since last update, so let's see how our current drive to the end zone is progressing. Of course, It's still the 1st quarter. After 1st Chemo treatment, major concern was Creatinine level (measures kidney function - Normal range = .7 - 1.2). Mine was 2.0 before chemo started. Not good because body discards cancer cells thru kidneys, so kidneys can be expected to slow down after chemo starts, but one doesn't want to start behind the 8 ball. I had to go back to Lafayette on Wed, 3/2 for blood test. Creatinine had dropped to 1.8 - good sign. Feeling really good. Neck tumors seem to be disappearing and stomach bloated feeling is pretty much gone. Went back to Lafayette again on Thurs, 3/3 for another blood test. The blood draw was an experience - our offense really struggled here - it looked like the drive was over.
It all started with nurse, Donna, who took the blood draw. She was a dandy. About a 305 lb defensive tackle - MEAN! She had to stick me twice for the blood draw. 1st time missed my port - didn't think that was possible - that's the reason you get a port installed, to make it easy and painless for administering chemo and drawing blood. She said it must have moved when she wasn't looking - Illegal Motion it looked like to me. Oh well, at least unnecessary roughness (got to protect those quarterbacks you know). Rest of blood draw proceeded OK - just didn't run the ball to Donna's side. Back to the chemo treatment room for an unplanned treatment.
After waiting for blood test results, nurse comes out and reports that Dr says I need an I V - "Oh no, what's wrong?" Need an I V saline solution. Should take about an hour. Delay of game call.
Pat and I retired to the chemo treatment room, I sat in the recliner, and we waited for a nurse to come in to administer I V. Guess who comes moseying in - yep - you guessed it - all 305 lbs of Deadly Donna. Our offense really started to struggle now. My 1st play called was, "You've got one chance to get that I V needle in that port!". The pressure was on. Needle went into the port - real slick - didn't hurt. Wow, maybe we can get moving again. WHOOPS! Donna was hooking up I V monitor to the pole which supports it so you can walk it to bathroom (remember). Suddenly heard a large crashing noise. I V monitor had crashed to the floor. "Oh, that sometimes happens" she said, and proceeded to pick up the pieces and reattach it. Major infraction -- we're backed out of the red zone. We got the offense rolling again and I V proceeded without difficulty. After drip was over, monitor started beeping and Donna came in to disconnect. OUCH! She pinched me when she withdrew the needle - pinched right where I had all the previous needle sticks. Illegal contact, I yelled. Earlier during the I V I learned that her husband just bought a funeral parlor in Lafayette. I think she's trying to drum up business. Let's just kick a field goal and get out of here (way to kick, Falk).
.Dr (great guy) came in to see me during I V and said Creatinine had dropped to 1.7, doing I V as precautionary measure- conservative coach. Wanted another blood test on Fri (3/4 - my birthday), but said could be drawn in Monticello Friday's test results were 1.4. Yea! (Cheerleaders). Creatinine level is coming down. Chemo seems to be really working in destroying cells (hopefully mostly cancer cells) and Dr wants to make sure kidneys stay flushed out.
All in all, I feel great - no nausea nor other side effects. I'm a walking drug store - let me know what you need and I can probably fix you up
First quarter is drawing to a close. Next meeting with Coach (Dr) is Tues, 3/8, 11:30. Will get some more input from pressbox. Approximately 5-7 more treatments to go. Thanks for the thoughts & prayers.
Friday, March 04, 2005
This is really silly
Last night I called home to check on Josh. Seems he has earned yet another day of in school suspension. I want him to grow up respecting authority - I want him to know that the rules aren't always fair, but to combat them we have to play fair anyway. Most of all I want him to become the kind of man who takes responsibility for his actions. Unfortunately, he has one teacher who has put him in detention nearly every week. Word gets around, and he has been labeled a trouble maker. The first suspension was because he started laughing when another kid in the class was singing some rap lyrics. This kid's mother took him out of the teacher's class because she felt the treatment was unreasonable. I left Josh in - to help him figure out how to deal with people who are fussy.
The second was for lighting a match in class - okay, this was stupid, I backed up the principal, but he got an entire week for lighting and blowing out a match - he didn't try to burn anything - didn't try to hurt anyone - just lit a match. And we took the punishment because he should have known better.
Now he is in suspension today because someone in the lunchroom yesterday threw a Cheerio at him. He threw it back. Another person joined in and threw syrup, hitting a fourth student. Josh got blamed for the syrup- even though he didn't throw it. I can see that this might warrant a trip to the principals office - but suspension??? For throwing a Cheerio??? How in the world is the child supposed to enjoy learning when he is in trouble for nonsense every week?
So I am instituting parental rights - I withdrew him today -this suspension will hopefully be his last - and he can start fresh on Tuesday at a new school system - where he was going to transfer anyway with a new address. I am not naive enough to think this will stop all the problems, but he needs a new start - and since the school administrators aren't listening, I have to step in.
Okay - since this post I got a call from the gifted program teacher. She has been working tirelessly for months to try to get Josh into the program - and give him more to do. Last week he scored higher than any other kid in his class in a math aptitude test - including the kids in the gifted program - so she went the extra mile and gave him another gifted program test. About an hour after I called in his withdrawl - she called me to say that finally everything is done and he is in the program. Luckily this will transfer over to the new school - so we are still switching. But she restores my faith in the system - when one person sets out to make a difference, it really can be done!!
The second was for lighting a match in class - okay, this was stupid, I backed up the principal, but he got an entire week for lighting and blowing out a match - he didn't try to burn anything - didn't try to hurt anyone - just lit a match. And we took the punishment because he should have known better.
Now he is in suspension today because someone in the lunchroom yesterday threw a Cheerio at him. He threw it back. Another person joined in and threw syrup, hitting a fourth student. Josh got blamed for the syrup- even though he didn't throw it. I can see that this might warrant a trip to the principals office - but suspension??? For throwing a Cheerio??? How in the world is the child supposed to enjoy learning when he is in trouble for nonsense every week?
So I am instituting parental rights - I withdrew him today -this suspension will hopefully be his last - and he can start fresh on Tuesday at a new school system - where he was going to transfer anyway with a new address. I am not naive enough to think this will stop all the problems, but he needs a new start - and since the school administrators aren't listening, I have to step in.
Okay - since this post I got a call from the gifted program teacher. She has been working tirelessly for months to try to get Josh into the program - and give him more to do. Last week he scored higher than any other kid in his class in a math aptitude test - including the kids in the gifted program - so she went the extra mile and gave him another gifted program test. About an hour after I called in his withdrawl - she called me to say that finally everything is done and he is in the program. Luckily this will transfer over to the new school - so we are still switching. But she restores my faith in the system - when one person sets out to make a difference, it really can be done!!
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Lots of News
First, my friend, Steph is pregnant and it is fantastic news and the answer to a lot of prayers. Apparently a call was made to her aunt Magnolia- of wedding story fame ( see the red note below) and she said she already knew about the pregnancy and that the baby had red hair. Okay then. I am going to be an aunt - and I can hardly wait. So congrats to a woman who will be a great mom, congrats to the husband who has been wonderful to her and thanks for bringing me the love of my life totally by accident!!
Magnolia is the woman who was outside with Justin and I cutting fruit in preparation for the wedding reception back in June. She picked up that there was somethig between us long before we did. Kept talking to me about sparks and love and destiny. She was the one who told me that I would be married to Justin and that we were meant to be together. Normally I would just think someone like this was nutty - but her sincerity and the thick South American accent made it believable - and now - here we are engaged and happy - she has connections.
Second, the first hardwood floor has been sanded and refinished - using Pecan - what else. It looks lovely and now I am starting to see the results of all the hard work - the house is really coming along - and I may be done sooner that I could have hoped. If I can figure out how to post pictures without freaking out my computer - I will try to let you see them.
My friend Lora got admitted into a teaching prep program. Lora has the uncanny ability to tell a joke perfectly - that was what I remember from the first night we were friends - and she will also be an amazing teacher. Kids love her and it will give her a chance to change the world one baby at a time. Funny that the closer we all get to forty, the better our lives are....hmmmm.
Yesterday my dad underwent the first round of chemo - His note just makes me laugh - so I am copying it here for your amusement as well. One little thing - in the end, he comments about Denny from the Methodist church. Oddly enough, I knew Denny for about a year when I went to the Christian singles group at that church, I am good friends with a man who was dating her daughter and we have some other friends in common as well. The Spirit works in strange ways and sent my dad one of my friends without him asking.
"Heading down that chemo treatment slippery slope pretty fast now, but not yet out of control, well-maybe just a little. Started out with a blood draw at 8am, and then saw doctor at @ 8:45. He said blood results looked good, except for creatinine level - has to do with kidney function - reading is abnormally high. This is expected after chemo starts because the cells killed by the chemo are flushed out of the body thru the kidneys and urine.. After chemo starts, the kidneys can sometimes get plugged up with all the cell refuse and needs to be kick-started. Not real good to have this happen before chemo starts. We will just have to watch. However he modified my chemo regimen to start me off with a liter of saline solution (water to help flush my kidneys) and a kidney pill. So we started chemo at 9:40.
Where they administer chemo is a bunch of small rooms, most private, but several holding 2-3 patients. You sit in a recliner connected to an IV pole holding the bags of "drip". They started to put us in a room with 3 recliners - looked kind of crowded. Pat started to look around for a place for her to sit - reminded me of a look I've seen in a cat's eyes that Scruffy had cornered. There's a guy in this room already receiving treatment - he seemed nice enough. Pat was looking around for a chair for her to sit on. Couldn't find one - one could have been drug in, but it would have been real tight. The nurse had to leave for a moment. Pat continues to survey the situation just like that cat that Scruffy has cornered (the truth be known, Scruffy doesn't have a chance against that cat). Pat spots some empty private rooms across the way. Michelle (the nurse -Scruffy) returns shortly. Pat (the cat) starts making a beeline for one of the empty rooms across the way with Michelle (Scruffy) in tow, explaining that since this is our first time, plus we're going to be here for 8 hours or so, plus there's no place for me to sit, I don't like this room, etc., etc.. I was kind of oblivious to what was playing out, but a master (the cat) was at work. I was still standing there beginning to make small talk with my prospective roommate "Hi - nice day isn't it (had snowed 4" overnite) how're ya' doin", etc.. I over-heard Michelle say, "Well, you're right, I'm going to take charge and move you to a private room" (the one Pat was already heading for). The cat had escaped again - way to go Scruffy.
Michelle began transferring all the paper work (they double and triple check everything) to another nurse, Judy, (who turned out to be great) assigned to that room. It's awesome to watch the Spirit in action. I hurriedly said good-by to my ex-roommate, and followed along to my private room, with my private TV, that I can endlessly surf on. Way to go, Pat (the cat).
The chemo treatment is going to last loner now because the doc added the saline drip. Plus the fact, one never knows how long the 1st treatment will last because they don't know how fast they can administer the drugs - it is based on the patient's reaction. They start slow and periodically kick it up a notch until your body says "whoa- that's fast enough". Then they drop it back. Judy brought out several bags of drip, hung them on the pole, and started the saline solution. I took one look at the bags, the slow rate of current drip, and started doing some quick calculating in my head. My math brain quickly figured I should have brought some jamies and an extra pair of shorts. We should finish this by the weekend.
At any rate the saline finishes dripping 1 1/2 - 2 hours later. Judy (God bless her) then starts the drip for the first treatment - another large bag holding Rituxan. This is the new treatment that we have heard so much about - a multiclonal antibody that attacks only the cancer cells. It's not a drug, but a protein. As I watch it, I think, "At last, we're about to go on the offensive against this disease. We have finally got our hands on the ball and can march toward the opponent's goal line". Oh no, the 1st play we run, we fumble. Judy explains that Rituxan doesn't have hardly any side effects, but one may be, I understood her to say, rickets. My mouth drops and I ask, "What's that - what symptoms does that have? Isn't that what sailors used to get when they were on the ocean for months on end - like in Christopher Columbus' day? My God, America has already been discovered - I can see that re-created on the History channel!" Judy laughed and replied, "NO, I said riggers (sp), - it's chills and the shakes. We just wrap you in blankets and slow the drip." That didn't sound like a lot of fun, but it sure sounded a lot better than rickets. Life is a bunch of tradeoffs, based on your perspective. So we got started, a very slow drip at first.
Earlier during the saline drip, I asked Judy "how does one go the bathroom, hooked up to this pole with all the bags hanging on it". Also it's plugged into a wall socket. Plus by that time I also had a automatic blood pressure monitor hooked up to my arm. I thought I may just have to pull a Scruffy, raise my leg and do it on the recliner. Judy quickly erased that thought and said they will just unplug the IV temporarily, unwrap the monitor from my arm, and I get to wheel my IV pole with the bags hanging on it down the hall to the restroom. Scruffy's idea sounded better. Judy explained the key was not to upset the pole (that would be a major fumble - a turnover for sure).
Anyway we recovered our rickets fumble and began to slowly move the ball upfield (a slow drip). As time went by, we picked up speed with no major penalties nor fumbles. Coach Judy periodically adjusted the drip speed and all seemed to be going according to the scouting report. However, about halfway thru the drip, I began to experience a sore throat and a pain below the right side of my chest. I yelled at Coach on the sidelines for instructions. Coach Judy came in, did a quick scan of the monitors, and then asks, "Where is your lymphoma located?" I responded, "Both sides of my neck and throughout my abdomen." Coach responds "Well, that's the Rituxan going to work on those tumors." Man, I think, we must be running the West Coast offense - that's quick."
We finish the Rituxan drip at max speed and move on to the drug part of the chemo (the so-called CHOP). It turns out the "P" part of CHOP is a pill, so that's quickly handled. The "O" part of CHOP has been excluded from my game plan by the doc. That's great, because that's the one that causes you to lose your hair. So I only have the "C" and the "H" to go. One of them (I forget which one - Pat has it in her notes - God bless her, she has been a real trooper thru all this) is a push. That means the nurse injects it into your IV line with a needle, so it is not a drip, but like a long pass, covering a lot of yardage in a hurry. The other one is a much smaller bag, so it goes pretty fast. Before I know it the chemo is over as Coach Judy and I are finishing our discussion regarding her book club meeting that night on a book entitled "CAN YOU DRINK THE CUP OF WHICH I AM GOING TO DRINK". It's a book about Christ's response to the two apostles who asked if they could sit one at His right and the other at His left when He enters His kingdom. Judy knew Fr. George, thought he was a neat guy. Her kids had him in class at Central Catholic. Sure made the time go by fast. (Also had a very interesting discussion with a Methodist minister chaplain - nice lady named Dennise - Denny for short - remind me to share it with you sometime)
We left at 6:30. Pat was neat. She kept track of what I was getting, start & stop times, closely watched for side effects, and overall was a great supporter (you know what I mean). I don't know if we have scored a touchdown yet, certainly don't know if we have won. The game is still in the 1st quarter. The doc wants two more blood tests Wednesday and Thursday (2 more trips to Lafayette) to monitor creatinine levels. Set up a follow-up doctor's appointment for 3/8, and then next chemo treatment on 3/22. Thanks again for your prayers, cards, calls, and just "being there". It means a lot."
Makes me think that there are so many times when God reaches his hand down to comfort us with people who have family, friends and memories in common with our own. Makes us feel like we are not alone - that others are walking the same path and that things will be okay.
Magnolia is the woman who was outside with Justin and I cutting fruit in preparation for the wedding reception back in June. She picked up that there was somethig between us long before we did. Kept talking to me about sparks and love and destiny. She was the one who told me that I would be married to Justin and that we were meant to be together. Normally I would just think someone like this was nutty - but her sincerity and the thick South American accent made it believable - and now - here we are engaged and happy - she has connections.
Second, the first hardwood floor has been sanded and refinished - using Pecan - what else. It looks lovely and now I am starting to see the results of all the hard work - the house is really coming along - and I may be done sooner that I could have hoped. If I can figure out how to post pictures without freaking out my computer - I will try to let you see them.
My friend Lora got admitted into a teaching prep program. Lora has the uncanny ability to tell a joke perfectly - that was what I remember from the first night we were friends - and she will also be an amazing teacher. Kids love her and it will give her a chance to change the world one baby at a time. Funny that the closer we all get to forty, the better our lives are....hmmmm.
Yesterday my dad underwent the first round of chemo - His note just makes me laugh - so I am copying it here for your amusement as well. One little thing - in the end, he comments about Denny from the Methodist church. Oddly enough, I knew Denny for about a year when I went to the Christian singles group at that church, I am good friends with a man who was dating her daughter and we have some other friends in common as well. The Spirit works in strange ways and sent my dad one of my friends without him asking.
"Heading down that chemo treatment slippery slope pretty fast now, but not yet out of control, well-maybe just a little. Started out with a blood draw at 8am, and then saw doctor at @ 8:45. He said blood results looked good, except for creatinine level - has to do with kidney function - reading is abnormally high. This is expected after chemo starts because the cells killed by the chemo are flushed out of the body thru the kidneys and urine.. After chemo starts, the kidneys can sometimes get plugged up with all the cell refuse and needs to be kick-started. Not real good to have this happen before chemo starts. We will just have to watch. However he modified my chemo regimen to start me off with a liter of saline solution (water to help flush my kidneys) and a kidney pill. So we started chemo at 9:40.
Where they administer chemo is a bunch of small rooms, most private, but several holding 2-3 patients. You sit in a recliner connected to an IV pole holding the bags of "drip". They started to put us in a room with 3 recliners - looked kind of crowded. Pat started to look around for a place for her to sit - reminded me of a look I've seen in a cat's eyes that Scruffy had cornered. There's a guy in this room already receiving treatment - he seemed nice enough. Pat was looking around for a chair for her to sit on. Couldn't find one - one could have been drug in, but it would have been real tight. The nurse had to leave for a moment. Pat continues to survey the situation just like that cat that Scruffy has cornered (the truth be known, Scruffy doesn't have a chance against that cat). Pat spots some empty private rooms across the way. Michelle (the nurse -Scruffy) returns shortly. Pat (the cat) starts making a beeline for one of the empty rooms across the way with Michelle (Scruffy) in tow, explaining that since this is our first time, plus we're going to be here for 8 hours or so, plus there's no place for me to sit, I don't like this room, etc., etc.. I was kind of oblivious to what was playing out, but a master (the cat) was at work. I was still standing there beginning to make small talk with my prospective roommate "Hi - nice day isn't it (had snowed 4" overnite) how're ya' doin", etc.. I over-heard Michelle say, "Well, you're right, I'm going to take charge and move you to a private room" (the one Pat was already heading for). The cat had escaped again - way to go Scruffy.
Michelle began transferring all the paper work (they double and triple check everything) to another nurse, Judy, (who turned out to be great) assigned to that room. It's awesome to watch the Spirit in action. I hurriedly said good-by to my ex-roommate, and followed along to my private room, with my private TV, that I can endlessly surf on. Way to go, Pat (the cat).
The chemo treatment is going to last loner now because the doc added the saline drip. Plus the fact, one never knows how long the 1st treatment will last because they don't know how fast they can administer the drugs - it is based on the patient's reaction. They start slow and periodically kick it up a notch until your body says "whoa- that's fast enough". Then they drop it back. Judy brought out several bags of drip, hung them on the pole, and started the saline solution. I took one look at the bags, the slow rate of current drip, and started doing some quick calculating in my head. My math brain quickly figured I should have brought some jamies and an extra pair of shorts. We should finish this by the weekend.
At any rate the saline finishes dripping 1 1/2 - 2 hours later. Judy (God bless her) then starts the drip for the first treatment - another large bag holding Rituxan. This is the new treatment that we have heard so much about - a multiclonal antibody that attacks only the cancer cells. It's not a drug, but a protein. As I watch it, I think, "At last, we're about to go on the offensive against this disease. We have finally got our hands on the ball and can march toward the opponent's goal line". Oh no, the 1st play we run, we fumble. Judy explains that Rituxan doesn't have hardly any side effects, but one may be, I understood her to say, rickets. My mouth drops and I ask, "What's that - what symptoms does that have? Isn't that what sailors used to get when they were on the ocean for months on end - like in Christopher Columbus' day? My God, America has already been discovered - I can see that re-created on the History channel!" Judy laughed and replied, "NO, I said riggers (sp), - it's chills and the shakes. We just wrap you in blankets and slow the drip." That didn't sound like a lot of fun, but it sure sounded a lot better than rickets. Life is a bunch of tradeoffs, based on your perspective. So we got started, a very slow drip at first.
Earlier during the saline drip, I asked Judy "how does one go the bathroom, hooked up to this pole with all the bags hanging on it". Also it's plugged into a wall socket. Plus by that time I also had a automatic blood pressure monitor hooked up to my arm. I thought I may just have to pull a Scruffy, raise my leg and do it on the recliner. Judy quickly erased that thought and said they will just unplug the IV temporarily, unwrap the monitor from my arm, and I get to wheel my IV pole with the bags hanging on it down the hall to the restroom. Scruffy's idea sounded better. Judy explained the key was not to upset the pole (that would be a major fumble - a turnover for sure).
Anyway we recovered our rickets fumble and began to slowly move the ball upfield (a slow drip). As time went by, we picked up speed with no major penalties nor fumbles. Coach Judy periodically adjusted the drip speed and all seemed to be going according to the scouting report. However, about halfway thru the drip, I began to experience a sore throat and a pain below the right side of my chest. I yelled at Coach on the sidelines for instructions. Coach Judy came in, did a quick scan of the monitors, and then asks, "Where is your lymphoma located?" I responded, "Both sides of my neck and throughout my abdomen." Coach responds "Well, that's the Rituxan going to work on those tumors." Man, I think, we must be running the West Coast offense - that's quick."
We finish the Rituxan drip at max speed and move on to the drug part of the chemo (the so-called CHOP). It turns out the "P" part of CHOP is a pill, so that's quickly handled. The "O" part of CHOP has been excluded from my game plan by the doc. That's great, because that's the one that causes you to lose your hair. So I only have the "C" and the "H" to go. One of them (I forget which one - Pat has it in her notes - God bless her, she has been a real trooper thru all this) is a push. That means the nurse injects it into your IV line with a needle, so it is not a drip, but like a long pass, covering a lot of yardage in a hurry. The other one is a much smaller bag, so it goes pretty fast. Before I know it the chemo is over as Coach Judy and I are finishing our discussion regarding her book club meeting that night on a book entitled "CAN YOU DRINK THE CUP OF WHICH I AM GOING TO DRINK". It's a book about Christ's response to the two apostles who asked if they could sit one at His right and the other at His left when He enters His kingdom. Judy knew Fr. George, thought he was a neat guy. Her kids had him in class at Central Catholic. Sure made the time go by fast. (Also had a very interesting discussion with a Methodist minister chaplain - nice lady named Dennise - Denny for short - remind me to share it with you sometime)
We left at 6:30. Pat was neat. She kept track of what I was getting, start & stop times, closely watched for side effects, and overall was a great supporter (you know what I mean). I don't know if we have scored a touchdown yet, certainly don't know if we have won. The game is still in the 1st quarter. The doc wants two more blood tests Wednesday and Thursday (2 more trips to Lafayette) to monitor creatinine levels. Set up a follow-up doctor's appointment for 3/8, and then next chemo treatment on 3/22. Thanks again for your prayers, cards, calls, and just "being there". It means a lot."
Makes me think that there are so many times when God reaches his hand down to comfort us with people who have family, friends and memories in common with our own. Makes us feel like we are not alone - that others are walking the same path and that things will be okay.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Chemotherapy 101- Loner Style
Just got off the phone with my dad. He started the chemotherapy today along with Rituxan and was in mid-therapy when I called. They put in a port in his chest last week to facilitate the administration of the drugs, but still had to draw blood from a vein this morning.
When I called he told me he was living the "Life of Riley", sitting in a private room, watching TV and getting ready to play cards for awhile. I don't know what the Life of Riley is - but between patients, I am going to look up just what that entails - because he was having a really good time.
He had needed extra saline this morning because his kidney enzymes are off - so he has had to learn to maneuver to the bathroom with an IV pole. He said he had already turned the IV pole over twice on the way to the potty - and had saline running all over! The nurses are getting wise because when they added the blood pressure cuff on the other side, they told him they'd unhook it before he tried to get to the bathroom again - didn't want to see him try to wrestle with both poles down the hallway.
Says he is feeling fine - but that with all the chemicals it looks like some kind of meth lab. ( Do 65 -year old men know about meth labs - one can only wonder).
He asked about my house - and I told him I was done enough that if I needed to come up to help this weekend I could - and he informed me drolly that 90-year olds come in for this treatment alone, so he should be just fine.
The doctor was in and had a cold. He was wearing a mask - and we agreed that it wouldn't speak much to his abilities if he killed all of his immune-suppressed patients with the common cold he brought to the Oncology center himself. Okay, it isn't funny - but we laughed anyway.
They have asked dad to cut back on the Shaklee supplements he takes - and he responded that some Shaklee Vita-C would take care of the cold that doctor was sporting. He has sworn by the supplements ever since he cheated death the first time in the 70's - he had a plane crash and ruptured the aorta - which is now joined by a big piece of teflon.
I ordered two items from Amazon at the suggestion of one of my friends - they were both entitled Cancer as a Turning Point- they arrived today at his house - so he was able to bring them along - though I hope he waits to read them tomorrow. It is a loner thing - if you don't know how to fix something, buy a book and learn how from someone else.
When I called he told me he was living the "Life of Riley", sitting in a private room, watching TV and getting ready to play cards for awhile. I don't know what the Life of Riley is - but between patients, I am going to look up just what that entails - because he was having a really good time.
He had needed extra saline this morning because his kidney enzymes are off - so he has had to learn to maneuver to the bathroom with an IV pole. He said he had already turned the IV pole over twice on the way to the potty - and had saline running all over! The nurses are getting wise because when they added the blood pressure cuff on the other side, they told him they'd unhook it before he tried to get to the bathroom again - didn't want to see him try to wrestle with both poles down the hallway.
Says he is feeling fine - but that with all the chemicals it looks like some kind of meth lab. ( Do 65 -year old men know about meth labs - one can only wonder).
He asked about my house - and I told him I was done enough that if I needed to come up to help this weekend I could - and he informed me drolly that 90-year olds come in for this treatment alone, so he should be just fine.
The doctor was in and had a cold. He was wearing a mask - and we agreed that it wouldn't speak much to his abilities if he killed all of his immune-suppressed patients with the common cold he brought to the Oncology center himself. Okay, it isn't funny - but we laughed anyway.
They have asked dad to cut back on the Shaklee supplements he takes - and he responded that some Shaklee Vita-C would take care of the cold that doctor was sporting. He has sworn by the supplements ever since he cheated death the first time in the 70's - he had a plane crash and ruptured the aorta - which is now joined by a big piece of teflon.
I ordered two items from Amazon at the suggestion of one of my friends - they were both entitled Cancer as a Turning Point- they arrived today at his house - so he was able to bring them along - though I hope he waits to read them tomorrow. It is a loner thing - if you don't know how to fix something, buy a book and learn how from someone else.
Credit where credit is due
Had a good conversation last night with Jacob's dad - and he made a point about the blogs - and he was mostly right - so I am going to try to correct something.
I can honestly say that when Jake was born - and we were married, he and I didn't have any idea about how to make a marriage work. Since then, he has found a woman who has been a good wife to him - and we have both grown up a bit. I have endured years of comments from a particular friend that apparently I was not a good wife because his current wife and he are very happy and he is doing well. Probably a grain of truth in that - but more likely that we didn't have any business being married in the first place. It was not a good situation, things were said and done that neither of us would do again.
When Jacob had to have brain surgery, it was a wake-up call that we both took seriously, and Larry has tried to be a good father ever since. There are times that I think he should call more often - and he of course feels like I should have Jake visit more often - it is a two way street and we are both right on this one. He is doing the best he can - and whether it meets my random standards, or not, he has been a good father to Jake. He has always paid support, sometimes even more than he had to. He wants to see his son- and that is more than I can say for a lot of people who just decide it is too much trouble to deal with an ex-wife and coordinating two families.
More importantly, he did something I think deserves credit. He apologized. For a man to take responsibility for his shortcomings and admit to his faults, without fussing at me about mine -took a lot of heart - and for that he deserves respect.
We haven't always agreed on how to do things - and I am not a particularly easy ex-wife to deal with because my life seems to be so unconventional(this is pretty much the understatement of the century). We are both mere humans and sometimes our mouths run off in directions we shouldn't go. But mostly, we both love Jacob, and there is the mutual understanding that without either of us, the miracle that is Jake would have never happened.
Having a man who is in Jacob's life daily will make a real difference - just as being with his dad for vistiation makes a big difference. Justin has voluntarily taken on a huge responsibility - and handled it well. It is difficult to raise someone else's children- just ask my ex husbands. Both boys have been able to see, for the first time in their lives, what it looks like to love each other, to live without arguing and to genuinely be happy. Jacob has seen this during weekends with his dad - and I look forward to the day that thier lives are surrounded by a loving home on a daily basis.
Hope this leaves you with a better feeling - Jacob is one of my best contributions to this world, and for that I am very grateful.
I can honestly say that when Jake was born - and we were married, he and I didn't have any idea about how to make a marriage work. Since then, he has found a woman who has been a good wife to him - and we have both grown up a bit. I have endured years of comments from a particular friend that apparently I was not a good wife because his current wife and he are very happy and he is doing well. Probably a grain of truth in that - but more likely that we didn't have any business being married in the first place. It was not a good situation, things were said and done that neither of us would do again.
When Jacob had to have brain surgery, it was a wake-up call that we both took seriously, and Larry has tried to be a good father ever since. There are times that I think he should call more often - and he of course feels like I should have Jake visit more often - it is a two way street and we are both right on this one. He is doing the best he can - and whether it meets my random standards, or not, he has been a good father to Jake. He has always paid support, sometimes even more than he had to. He wants to see his son- and that is more than I can say for a lot of people who just decide it is too much trouble to deal with an ex-wife and coordinating two families.
More importantly, he did something I think deserves credit. He apologized. For a man to take responsibility for his shortcomings and admit to his faults, without fussing at me about mine -took a lot of heart - and for that he deserves respect.
We haven't always agreed on how to do things - and I am not a particularly easy ex-wife to deal with because my life seems to be so unconventional(this is pretty much the understatement of the century). We are both mere humans and sometimes our mouths run off in directions we shouldn't go. But mostly, we both love Jacob, and there is the mutual understanding that without either of us, the miracle that is Jake would have never happened.
Having a man who is in Jacob's life daily will make a real difference - just as being with his dad for vistiation makes a big difference. Justin has voluntarily taken on a huge responsibility - and handled it well. It is difficult to raise someone else's children- just ask my ex husbands. Both boys have been able to see, for the first time in their lives, what it looks like to love each other, to live without arguing and to genuinely be happy. Jacob has seen this during weekends with his dad - and I look forward to the day that thier lives are surrounded by a loving home on a daily basis.
Hope this leaves you with a better feeling - Jacob is one of my best contributions to this world, and for that I am very grateful.
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