Well - poop

I love my new job - the variety is great. However, I have this one person I work with who continually talks to me as though I am the stupidest person on the planet. This is both disconcerting - and insulting. I have struggled to try to understand her perspective - we nurses tend to take our patients pretty seriously - as though each one was our own family - so maybe she was afraid to turn over that duty.

This morning, topped it for me. I came in on inpatient duty - and there she sat - looking at me. She asked if I had checked the schedule - well obviously I didn't because there I stood in the wrong office. Unfortunately good breeding prevented me from saying that if we do indeed change offices at the beginning of the week - as opposed to the beginning of the month which is what we did in January, it was HER responsibility as my preceptor to tell me - so she really needed to wipe the smirk off her face.

Why do we treat each other this way - what is gained from talking down to someone else - or acting pious or self-righteous or anything else but kind??? I truly do not understand it. Would have been very easy to offer me a bit of comfort and say - oh no problem, you don't have a patient until 10 - do you want to give me report - instead it was nasty. Well poop.

Want versus need and the new house

At the closing, we had to part with about a thousand dollars more than I had planned to part with - making our allowance to spend on the house and the move only about $4000. The moving trucks will cost us about $2000 - so the remainder is for things that need to be fixed.

I started with paint and light fixtures and a sander - $350 down pretty quickly. Rooms needed to be painted - more to make the house really ours than because the paint was bad. Now there are bright colors - a royal blue in the boys room, fuschia in my daughter's room, khaki green in the master bedroom, and butter yellow to go in the kitchen which faces south and gets monumental amounts of sunlight everyday. The floors will shine with a new coat of polyurethane, further accenting the light in this house.

I know I will need another hundred to finish all the floors and re-stain the doors, and that I need to buy carpet for the master bedroom - unless I decide to love particle board flooring. Need to estimate how much the carpet will run - and more importantly, if I can find someone to install it for me without breaking the bank.

I agreed to stick with essentials until we get a tax check back - but what is essential to fix before we move furniture and what can wait is preventing quite a dilemma for me. I am trying to estimate what it will run us to install a gas stove - the next essential on my list. Then on to the kitchen addition, which I think will be more costly because it entails tile counters and a new section of cabinets to house the dishwasher. I think that is going to eat up a lot of money - is a dishwasher a need or a want for a woman with three kids, a new husband and a full-time job? Guess it depends on how much this is going to run. Usually I am pretty good at doing my own renovations, but the cabinets and the dishwasher will probably require professional installation - this is out of my league. Are slate tiles a want or a need? Part of the floor has simulated wood tiles, part has slate - I want them to match, but I guess the house would still remain standing if they didn't. I made the executive decision that a zipline was an essential - mostly because I promised the boys we would put one up - and I ordered it today on Amazon.

Any hints out there - any good sites to help estimate costs or plan a renovation? I don't feel right about asking for a professional estimate for work that I will do myself - but I sure don't want to get in over my head repairing things and then run out of money either!

My list is this:
Paint
Stain and polyurethane for hardwood floors
new light fixtures for bathroom
Carpet for master bedroom ( plus labor)
Gas line and gas stove ( mostly labor)
Cabinet and dishwasher ( plus labor)
Tile countertops and backsplash
Slate tiles for basement
Mirrors to replace the ones in bathrooms

Pope John Paul II

I have had several lengthy conversations with co-workers about the leadership of the Catholic church - the Pope. It was suggested by my friends, who are not Catholic, that perhaps the Pope should resign and let someone stronger lead the Church. If you want to pass on my drivel - at least check out the link for the story I found.

I am letting my Catholic roots show here for a moment, because I want to take a little digression before I explain why he has not resigned. I like having one person who is ultimately responsible for the Church - a place where the buck stops. When I look to my Protestant friends, there is not a "single" person who heads most churches. Could you say that Billy Graham has more authority than James Dobson 0r than Max Lucado or Martin Luther or that any of these men has the power within the protestant church to declare the final decision? You can't really - and that is the benefit of a Pope - he is like the father of the family, lots of members of the family may express their opinions and disagree, but the bottom-line, final decision is his to make. There are many people who have insight into Christianity and it is easy for lines to become blurred and Christian doctrine can easily become intermingled with secular humanism and mysticism and all manner of New Age thinking. Though I am not a fan of hierarchy because it tends to bring out the worst in people - in this case I think it is a necessary evil. Someone has to be ultimately responsible until we come up with a direct phone line to ask God questions - without relying on merely passages from scripture - and their human interpretations.

Yesterday I happened upon an article in Newsweek of all places which talks about the Pope and his suffering. The article points out beautifully what I have been trying to explain - this is an elected position within the Church, and there are diplomatic duties, to be sure, but the Papacy is ultimately a calling, like being an oncology nurse or missionary or a soldier in Bosnia. There is a deeply resonating duty and responsibility to do what you are called to do- even though it doesn't make sense to the outside world (blessed are you when people laugh at you and mock you because of Me). Truth is, a calling isn't supposed to make sense to others - but it makes sense to God. The calling is fulfilled when God's purpose is met - and more importantly, you can tell you are doing what you are called to do by the fruits of your labor. Are lives changed? Are you making a difference one person - or millions of people - at a time? Then you are doing it right.

The Pope leaves a remarkable legacy -lots of saints, dealing with the exposure and healing of the Church during the molestation scandals, traveling to see more countries than any Pope before, publicly visiting and forgiving the man who shot him, standing against the culture of death- even though it is not popular at all in America, and in spite of the fact that this very stand may prolong his own suffering. He isn't just talk, he has walked the walk he calls us to - and because he has time and time again shown himself to be a man of integrity - I trust that he will also know when and if it is time to step down. The Pope is a man who has devoted most of his life to God - and to the Church. I am infinitely comfortable believing that he knows some things that I don't about the will of God and the plans of God. I don't support his decision to stay Pope blindly, I support it because I trust him to continue to do what he thinks is right and because I have enough sense to know that in this particular arena - he has the doctorate - and I am still working on my diploma.

Good Housekeeping

The closing went off without a hitch -except that I really hit it off with the lady who had the house before. She gave us a list of all the flowers and trees planted in the yard. Much to my delight - the big tree that I couldn't identify - right behind the pecan is a FIG TREE!!!! Never had a fresh fig, though I suppose I had better learn to like them pretty quickly - it is a twenty foot tree. There are also blackberry and blueberry bushes. I had these same things planted in Indiana - now they are in my new yard - like God put them there so that I have really not lost a thing in the move. The seller said we were the right people for the house - that we were a different breed since we liked so many things the in common. That was probably true. In my one faux pas, I was so busy enjoying myself that I didn't notice Justin signing mountains of papers - and missed that his hands were sore afterwards. Usually I am pretty good about gauging that, but in my fervor for the house, I missed it.

Afterwards we met the kids at the house - it was the first time they had been allowed to roam around and they had a blast out in the woods looking for leftovers long buried. Then came the trip to Lowes and Home Depot for paint and light fixtures.

Saturday morning I couldn't sleep one minute longer - so Bear and I went over to the house and started working. By the end of the weekend, we have most of the carpet up - and the sanding started on the hardwood floors, two rooms nearly done with paint and taping begun on the master bedroom.

It feels like something out of a movie - like finally the dreams I have of a happy life and a little garden are coming true. And to top it off, there is a man who is excited about being my husband - not that he feels obligated, not that we are pregnant and he has to marry me for honor - he just wants to be with me. How incredible is that!?! It is a good house and the beginning of a good life.

Tidbits for Friday

House closing is at 3 today - I am investing a chunk of money, but I am so glad that I had it to invest. Right afterwards we are going over to bless the house and put in some spring bulbs. Can hardly wait.

Did I mention that my engagement ring is fabulous - the color of the diamond keeps catching the light while I am driving or typing and it is just a glorious thing.

My folks looked at the links I found yesterday in my quest for fixing this cancer dilemma - and they want to talk about some of the things they found. Maybe all that time in nursing school will pay off after all - at least my folks think I know enough to help - and for now, that helps me feel less like I have abandoned them in their time of need. ( My brain knows I didn't do anything wrong, but my heart hasn't figured this out yet, and wants to keep apologizing)

Had a great breakfast meeting this morning. Now that I have been here three months, my employer actually wanted to know if there was anything I needed or anything they could do differently - the longer I am here, the more I like it. Thank God for the blessing of a good job.

Justin has been calling me Wonder Woman - unfortunately not because of my figure (chuckle) this week he brought me a little surprise - a Wonder Woman keyring. I put my car and office keys on it - so I have been carrying it around all the time. It makes a lovely noise like windchimes while I am driving.

I learned a valuable lesson last night - Apparently boiled peanuts and tequila do not mix. I made a margarita - without using mix - last night and it went down very smoothly. Then Justin had the peanuts and the salty taste was wonderful - until about half an hour later when my stomach realized it had been invaded - not a nice surprise. This morning I am still feeling hung over - which is not convenient because I have a lot of work to cram into a three hour work day.

bottoming out

I have been online what seems like all morning - trying to get more information about lymphoma and treatments and what all of the results mean. I wonder as I look through, if being screened as a bone marrow donor might end up helping my dad in the long run, I read through all the information I can find about the previous clinical trials and how well they worked.
Mostly, I have been looking for something to reassure me that it will be okay - that he won't hurt, that there is something I can help with. Honestly, it isn't there. I can be support, but I can't fix this. The realization is a bit overwhelming, since fixing things seems to always fall to me - but I can't do anything.

So now I can think about is some palliative coping on my part, some distraction, something else to focus on - and there is not one ounce of my body that wants to be at the hospital today trying to meet the needs of others - I really want a day away. I am thinking about making a trip to look at appliances - or check out paint colors - or pick up some tools for the house - and probably I will make that stop on the way home - to burn up some steam before I have to go back to taking care of the boys. Luckily - tomorrow will be a busy and distracting day with the closing - then planning our move. I am ready for a nap and my brain is tired.

Cancer

Last night I got the call from my dad about the cancer, it is in fact Stage 4 Lymphoma, which means it has been around for a while. The good news is that the prognosis is good - he can get treatment and the cancer can go into remission for about 10 years. He sounded optimistic - which makes a big difference. My folks have used Shaklee supplements and tried to eat healthy and exercise for as long as I can remember - actually I have very vivid memories of my Dad wakign up the family in the morning doing his Royal Canadian exercises. Anyway - here is his note to the family about the visit:

Had a late afternoon (4pm) visit with the oncology dr yesterday to get the results of the tests. Wouldn't you know it, after calling the doc's office twice before driving to Lafayette to make sure they had received all results back, one test result had not come back yet. It was the biopsy of enlarged nodes in the neck. It had been sent to the Mayo Clinic and was not back yet. It is an important one as far as the doctor is concerned.

My sister and her husband had driven in from Kansas City and my brother and his wife had driven up from Indy and met me at the doctor's office. Their moral support was very much appreciated. Anyway the doc gave me the results of the other 4 tests, but said final treatment recommendations would have to wait until he received the biopsy results.

The bad news is the CAT Scan (the one Scruffy likes because it scorches those cats) showed that the lymphoma has spread throughout the body. There are swollen nodes (tumors) under left armpit, next to esophagus, and in the abdomen. The organs (liver, spleen, etc.) however are clear. The PET scan (the one Scruffy doesn't like) showed the tumors to be malignant. The bone marrow biopsy indicated it has also spread to bone marrow. However, the doc said this was no surprise and expected. This classifies it as Stage 4 (on a scale of 1 to 4, with 4 being worst). It is however slow growing which indicates it has been growing some time before I noticed the lump on my neck.

The good news is that if you're going to have a cancer, this is not too bad of a one to have. It can be treated and the tumors reduced, but it is not curable. Therefore one needs to keep coming back for checkups to see if it has come back (which it will do - it may be in remission for several months to several years) and then go through treatment again. The fact that makes it incurable is the fact that is slow growing. It seems (keep in mind that this is my understanding) that the medicine (chemo or new treatments) attack cells based on their activity, namely how fast they are dividing. Fast growing cancer cells are rapidly dividing and are easily identified and attacked by the medicine. Slow growing cells are not so rapidly dividing and as a result can conceal themselves from the medicine and not all of them will be recognized and attacked. As a result some of them avoid detection and may remain in one's system after treatment is completed, to rear their ugly head at a later time. Thus it is not completely curable. The main danger from lymphoma is the tumors becoming so enlarged that they may exert pressure on other structures, or spread to organs, or replacing bone marrow fluid with lymphatic cells, thus reducing the body's capabilities to produce a good blood supply. My blood test looked very good, so that was a relief. More good news is that life expectancy for lymphoma with current treatments is good : 7-10+ years

Treatment options are as follows: 1) do nothing at the present time - wait and watch for symptoms to occur - I feel great right now, 2) a combined treatment regimen of Rituxan ( new treatment) and chemo, or 3) get accepted for a clinical trial using Rituxan only. Rituxan is a new treatment and is not a drug like chemo. Thus there are not the usual side effects of chemo. Rituxan is a protein antibody which has been programmed to recognize and destroy cancer cells only and it is very effective. Each cancer cell carries a marker identifying it as foreign body cancer cell (CD-20 marker- as Chip says - like a neon sign saying here I am) and the Rituxan attacks it only, not good cells. The Lafayette Cancer Care Clinic is currently conducting a Rituxan clinical trial (Phase 3 - meaning that the drug has previously proved successful and each patient is treated - no placebos are used) and the doctor will see if I qualify. There are certain restrictions in that the tumors cannot be too bulky (exceed 7cm - I have a couple around 6cm). I think it would be a blessing to get in on the trial because Rituxan seems so successful, no side effects as with chemo, plus you are monitored very carefully in the trial.

I have an appointment with the doctor on Tues 2/22, to review biopsy results and finalize treatment plans. Of course after all this, I can get a second opinion, but at the present time I feel pretty confident with Dr K. I have in effect already had 2nd opinions in that 3 different Pathology groups (including Mayo) have reviewed results and offered opinions re type of lymphoma. We'll see. Keep those prayers and thoughts coming and ask the Spirit to guide Pat and me. Also it's kind of hard on Pat, so keep her in your prayers also. Thanks family and friends.

Wednesday is Full of Anticipation

First the good anticipation: Tonight Justin and I will get to tell his neice and nephew that we are getting married. They have politely asked about getting cousins - and now we get to tell them the good news when we go look at the house tonight. Can hardly wait to see thier sweet faces when they find out they are getting cousins who have two acres of woods to play on!!

Today is the "Oncologist Appointment" - where my dad will get the reports back - and when we will finally have the ability to make some sort of fact-based plans on what to do. The appointment is at 4 - and afterwards my aunts and uncles will join him for dinner to talk about what happens next. Over the past two weeks he has had a PET scan, a CAT scan, a bone marrow biopsy, and an excisional biopsy - all of these things should tell us where the cancer started, where it has moved to, if anywhere, and roughly what we should expect as far as treatment and prognosis.

I have Loner coping, as I have mentioned before - not sure if it is my great grandmother's German influence - or the Scot Stuart of my grandmother or the Irish of the Loner clan, but somehow we have this family coping that doesn't panic first - we wait, we gather information, we plan, we make the best of things. I cannot see any reason to fall apart at the seams when I don't know all the facts yet - tomorrow, I may need to fall apart.

I have been keeping busy - getting engaged, doing a final house inspection tonight, closing on the house Friday and then a Saturday full of basketball games for the boys. All these things to do have enabled me to "work off" some of the adrenaline I have pent up from moments of worrying about Dad's prognosis. Truth is, when I am stressed, I work. I am not a good housekeeper - I repeatedly have said that I missed the Martha Stewart gene that my mother possesses. When I am stressed, things get done - and usually the house is cleaner than ever. ( always reminds me of that line from Jeff Foxworthy "Come on in, excuse the mess, but this is the cleanest our house has been in years!")This week, I have been cleaning - have more planned for tonight!

Thanks to you, dear readers, who have kept my family in your prayers. After we get word tonight, I will post tomorrow and fill you in.

At Last, My Love has Come Along

Typically people get married, buy a house and then have children. We have done this totally backwards. I invaded Justin's house, complete with three kids and five dogs, then we decided to buy a house, and now we are deciding about getting married. Yep - backwards, but when I look at how odd our lives are - it fits perfectly!

The Spa
I have never had a massage before - and we decided to use my Christmas present to get a couple's massage, then go out to dinner downtown. The poor woman giving directions was somewhat directionally impaired, so we were lost and had to call again for directions - then we were late. Our hour massage was cut to half an hour...The spa however is known for it's excellent customer service and they not only comped the half hour massages we received, but also gave us a new gift certificate for two hour long massages for another time. WONDERFUL is all I can say about the massage. I remember a scene from At First Sight with Val Kilmer where he is doing a massage and the recipient cries - I thought it was odd, until I almost started that myself. Amazing how you can physically carry things around without even knowing it. The body is so complex.

The Dinner
We opted for dinner at The Cheesecake Factory - phenomenal spot - the lighting made the place a warm amber color. We waited in the bar and I had a lovely pink lemonade with Citron Vodka and Chambord - very refreshing, very potent. We were seated about twenty minutes later not far from the bar. Our waitress, Topaz, was friendly and efficient. She kept our water full the whole time - I think I drank about a gallon - apparently massage makes you thirsty. After we ordered, we decided to open presents during dinner - and I gave Justin the first part of his, a card and a cute book on 365 ways to kiss - which included a schnapps kiss reminiscent of the first time he kissed me.

I couldn't decide what to get - so I went for breakfast - THE BEST EGGS I have ever had - Italian sausage, spinach, mushrooms, onions and garlic -it was so good that I didn't even bother touching the hashbrowns ( which were also good) until I was completely done. I have to figure out how to duplicate that particular dish because it was healthy and excellent! Justin got a Chinese chicken salad that was about a foot high - incredible as well - we brought some leftovers of that dish home!
After dinner we ordered cheesecake - of course we did it is a Cheesecake factory! Again I was vexed by indecision - so we used the best method possible - Justin closed his eyes and pointed to the menu. So we ordered Dulche de Leche - which came with praline pecans and whipped topping. I gave Justin the rest of his gift, a watch that keeps time with the Atomic Clock -some little chocolates and a new lighter. The cheesecake came and a couple of bites into it Justin asked if I was ready for my present - in true classic form I had to ask to finish what was in my mouth first!
Next thing I knew he was down beside me on one knee, ring in his hand, looking right at me with those piercing blue eyes - saying "will you marry me". I kissed him before I answered him - then I said yes. Of course I said yes. Then the grin took over - this inexplicable grin that nearly shattered my face and made my insides feel like they were about 200 degrees - a moment of complete joy.

On the way out of the restaurant, a woman with her two daughters stopped us -"Did you just propose to her?" Seems they had never seen that happen before - we grinned like Cheshire cats and said yes. They congratulated us and we explained that we met at our best friend's wedding - funny. We left the restaurant and the wind was cold. I tried to wrap my self and walk at the same time - and unfortunately missed the curb. Picking me back up off the ground, skinned knee and all - Justin was very kind and didn't laugh. I told him that it was a good thing he had asked me to marry him before he saw that graceful trick!

So now I have been promoted from girlfriend to fiance' - feels pretty good. And I am looking forward to my next promotion - wife of the finest man I have ever known.

Holly's Blessings sent to the Wind

Last year at Christmas I had the honor of meeting my step-daughters fiance', Tony. He was a really great guy and I was genuinely excited for Holly. Such a sweet girl who had been through so much with her folks - and since I was at the time married to her dad, I could imagine with clarity what kind of a father he had been. But Holly had risen aboove all of that, had a good job, nice apartment and most of all the sense to choose a wonderful man to marry.

I write this because my relationships with Holly and Scotty were severed unceremoniously when the Ogre filed for divorce. I was not allowed to go to her wedding - and that crushed me. I really had grown to love those kids like they were my own - no surprise there - and I am sad at times that there isn't a way to salvage that relationship when a marriage ends for the better.

My thoughts are on Holly because I got another e-mail from the Ogre - Holly and Tony became parents last Wednesday, to a beautiful baby girl - and I picture in my mind a baby with the same chock of red hair that she has. I wish that I could call, or send a gift, or tell her that I think she is going to be a really great mother, but I cannot. Too many lies have been told, and she believed her father, so that is out of the question.

So I send my blessings to the wind in the hope that maybe one morning she will feel the sun on her shoulders when she is worn out from mothering, and that will be my blessing lighting upon her. Congratulations, Holly, and welcome to the hardest job you will ever love.

Well, I asked for it

When I was reflecting about how well I have been doing what God has called me to do - I decided I needed to work on it - that I wasn't always giving 100% at work, that there were ways I could go over and about what was needed to do a truly remarkable thing. I have people with needs at my disposal all day - I should be really connecting and doing better.

I decided this week to start working on that. I think I am doing better. I came back last night after a meeting across town because there was one more patient to be seen. I could have passed that on to the ICU nurse, but opted to take care of it myself. I was glad I did, because there were some items I had in my office stash that the nurse didn't have - and the patient was in need.

More importantly, it enabled me to get some great positive feedback. I had a patient who was discharged on Monday after having a sore go from bad to gangrene to amputation in about a weeks time. He was charming, and I spent a lot of time talking to him about diet issues and medications and doctors. Last night when I came back to the hospital, he was in the hallway. He grabbed me in this big bear hug and said he was glad to see me - I usually don't get THIS kind of a reaction. Anyway, he was concerned, he is still getting IV antibiotics, but he has another sore - I could see the thoughtline continuing - and this one was further up on the foot and he didn't want to lose the whole foot. I assured him that he was doing the right thing, getting it looked at early on. And that this time was different - he was already on antibiotics. He was visibly relieved.

When things like this happen, it helps me see that sometimes there is a whole other plan in operation than what I can see in my little circle - people who come into our lives to heal and offer comfort like Christ would if He were standing in front of you. The Body of Christ is like that - sometimes we are the hands, and the voice - for me it is usually totally by accident.

Dinner with Forrest Gump

Last night, after attempting to fast during the day - I was sideswiped by nausea at about 6:30 - right in the middle of Mass. As a result, we left early, right after the ashes, and went in search of dinner. I am not a good cook when I am nauseated - so I took the boys out to eat. There is a little Chinese buffet near work that has excellent shrimp, and since this is a day without meat, we opted for eating there.

We sat down and the boys promptly left me there while they went up to the buffet, leaving me questioning their manners. When it was my turn, I went up and in the background I heard them talking to someone. Upon my return I realized they were in conversation with a man in his forties, handsome face, dimpled chin and a pile of dark hair, streaked white with age. He was friendly and teasing them about saying prayers before they ate. The man continued the conversation , talking about boyhood and fathers and how good the shrimp was. I had the vague feeling of being uncomfortable with his attention to me and the boys, concerned that maybe he was flirting - stranger things have happened.

Jacob went up for plate number 2 - or maybe number 3 - hard to tell with Jake - and returned with a pile of crab legs. He wasn't exactly doing penance by eating seafood! The man commented that they looked good - "But I love the shrimp" Josh looked at me and giggled. The man got up to get another plate - I saw the orthopaedic shoes and the tremble in his gait. The waitress returned carrying his plates. He put the body-end of the crab leg in his mouth - it was not a nice surprise, then he struggled to work open the crab leg. The waitress said something curtly. Maybe it was the two years I spent thinking Jacob would be mentally retarded - before teh surgery and the siezures stopped - maybe it was the purity of the man's heart, reflected in the big doe eyes that looked like a lost puppy out in the rain.

I asked Jake if he would show him how to eat the crab legs, jake was in mid-bite, so Josh got up and went to the man's table. He stood there, later joined by Jacob, walking him through the enjoyment of Alaskan King Crab legs - when to use the butter, where to put the salt - how to get all the meat out without losing any. The waitress backed up to my table - saying "too much beer" indicating the man had been drinking. I told her I didn't think so, that maybe he was mildly retarded - though outwardly he looked fine.

The boys stood there for a long time, talking, laughing with him at the sloppiness of the crab and agreeing that the shrimp were much easier - and when Jake determined it had been long enough, he went back up to the bar. Returning with a plate of fruit, I mentioned that it was good for him. The man interjected that the fruit would give him a good BM - actually he said it rather loudly for an interjection - but we laughed with him anyway.

Two things really struck me about last night 1. When it comes right down to it, the boys have a good heart and chose to do the honorable thing, showing kindness when they really could have ignored this man like other people in the restaurant did. 2. We were there as Christians - something I didn't even realize until later - but we sat there with ashes on our foreheads - hardly discreet - so it was a good thing we acted in a way that reflected that. And you just never know when there will be the opportunity to be kind to a soul who really needs it - funny thing is, I think I may have needed it more than Forrest did last night. When he said "Have a good night ya'all", I knew that we would.

borrowed wisdom and menopause cake

I was reading a really interseting woman's blog and she asked about menopause cake. This caught my interest and lo and behold I found a recipe on a site with several alternative medicine articles. Here is the link for your viewing and cooking pleasure: Menopause Cake!

Welcome to Lent

Today is Ash Wednesday - and the start of Lent. We started it of right last night by watching thee Passion of the Christ. I saw it last year three times in the theater - so last night was the fourth time. I never get past the unbelievable amount of pain - all the blood - and the number of times Jesus looks like he is ready to give up- then he makes eye contact with his mother, with Peter, with Simon - and he stands up and takes some more. Last night, though, I felt differently watching the movie - I seemed to be really focusing on how painful this all was for Mary - to watch, knowing the whole backstory about Jesus, as people taunted him and hit him mercilessly. If some kid mouths off to my sons on the bus I am ready to rush to their defense - cannot even fathom being the mother in her place.

Food for thought here - one thing that Mel Gibson said in his interviews last year was that he has gotten his life and priorities straightened out by meditating on the "Dolorous Passion of the Christ" - a visionaries account of the final hours of Jesus. This account is very similar to Valtorte, whom I mentioned in an earlier post. If you are a seeker - or if you are not sure what to believe - these are deep, moving, and present Jesus in a way that even the Bible cannot match. After spending two hours thinking about how difficult this was for His Mother, I have gained a new respect for her.

So off we go into another season of Lent - of self-reflection, of trying to be more Christlike - of self-sacrifice in the hope that we will grow in spiritual depth.

Nice Guy Syndrome

Justin is one of those men that women like to befriend - he is funny, he is kind and he definitely has nice guy syndrome. Since we have been here, I have met a lot of his female friends and co-workers who have all said what a great guy he is. Luckily for me, none of them stayed romantically interested - and he has been a blessing to me and the kids every day since we met. Amazingly enough, I knew from the first night we were together that this was different - and that he was the kind of man a woman like me could count on. This time, I think my instinct was right - or more likely, God took pity on both of us and shoved us in the pool together - hoping we'd figure it out. He posted this yesterday and I felt compelled to add it here because it is a portrait of the genuine beauty of his heart.

2005-02-07
Responsibility
Despite feeling as poorly as I do, I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning talking with Bear. This week has been a rough one for her, and also for her mother. There have been arguments and harsh words, and a lot of folks have spent some time walking around feeling hurt. The talk did us good. It was due. It also underlined for me the awesome responsibilities that I've taken upon my shoulders.The responsibility has (thankfully) revealed itself to me in steps. Step one was that of being responsible for the safety of a family that felt unsafe. In all honesty, I've never had to fear for my life. When I took these four people into my home, I appointed myself as protector for them against something I couldn't actually fathom. I rank this as the first responsibility because safety is the reason that they all moved here to begin with. It took time, but the hard edges softened. Both boys no longer scream in fear while they sleep. Bear is able to socialize and get around, and can sleep at home without obsessively making sure everything lockable was locked.Another step was that of being a good role model. I only had a vague idea of what this would entail when this whole roller coaster ride began. First is my responsibility to Loner. She's a woman who has been hurt and mauled at almost every turn in her life. With nobody else to depend on, she has always been a fiercely independent woman who always found a way to do things on her own. For her to be willing to allow someone else to shoulder some of the burden took a lot. There's also the constant threat hanging over her, as well as the family: Is he going to leave? How do we know, I mean really know, that he's not going to cut and run? When he gets mad, is he going to hurt us? For Loner, and for all of them, I have to be the kind of man that they need. I have to show that I'm willing to take the bad times with the good and not run away.For Bear, I need to be a genuinely good man. I don't know how many of those she has known. Her Grandpa, certainly, but I don't know how many others. It's not easy, and I make mistakes. Still, I don't want her to spend her whole life thinking that Men (in the generally specific sense) treat women badly, leave when the going is rough, and don't care what kids have to say. I want her to see a man who continues to carry the burden that he has chosen, if for no other reason than that he said he would. I also want to be a friend to her. Her life has been really messed up - this is something we agreed on. I don't want to be simply The Guy Who's Seeing Her Mother. I want to be for her what my father was for me: a friend, an occasional confidant, someone to whom she can go when the other options stink, someone who has to discipline without liking it, someone who wants to help her become the person she wants to be.Then there are the boys. They're both so young and full of life and anxiety and energy and yearning. How can I be a good role model to these guys, who have never had a good man in their lives for any extended length of time? I try to show them how a man should treat the woman in their lives. For that matter, I try to show them what it means to have the characteristics of a good, Southern gentleman. I've never been perfect at being that, but it's something worth teaching. I want to show them that I care about what they have to say. I care about what's going on in their lives. I care if they can't sleep. I care when they're sad, or mad, or happy. When they're upset with me, I want to know why so that I can make sure I'm setting the kind of example that I want to set.For all four of them, there's one thing that I try to convey at every chance that I can. I love them. Even when I have to scold, and especially when I praise, I love them. I love them when I have to hound them to pick up their things. I love them when we all run out back to play with the dogs. I love them when they're being pains in my backside. I love them when they can't sleep and need someone to lay next to them. I love them when I'm at mass on Sunday, kneeling and thanking God for what I have.Yes, it's a huge responsibility that I've chosen to take. When I look around the house, though, I feel like I'm doing pretty well. The signs of healing are everywhere: Loner relaxing at day's end, Bear happily flopping down on the sofa to tell me about her day, Jacob liking me even though I make him clean his room, and Josh when he lets down his facade to geek out and talk with me about movies. It's tough, and it's scary as hell, and it takes a toll on me. When I look around me, though, and I see the family that is still taking a chance on me, the responsibility is still there but the load seems somehow lighter.

Start of Lent

This is the first week of Lent - starting on Wednesday. Some of the traditions seem to be difficult for my non-Catholic friends to understand. There is a dichotomy of thought - which actually I have never seen as either side being mutually exclusive. One side believes in salvation by profession and the other supposedly salvation by works. Before I talk about this I am reminded of the parable of the fig tree - being a farmer myself. A tree is known by the fruit it bears. If a person has God as their King, their Savior, their Lord, the life and fruits of their life should reflect that. To suggest otherwise would mean it is reasonable to expect to see apples beneath my pecan tree next fall.

When I claim to be a Christian, a Catholic Christian, my claim is to being broken and sinful and in dire need of some direction. I believe that I have been saved as my protestant compatriots define it. I saw the Passion, I saw the price that was paid. And in conjunction with my mouth saying I am a Christian, so should my works say that. Do I give to the poor, do I serve others, do I comfort the hurting, do I try to love even people who have hurt me? yep - though not always as well as I would like - part of that being broken and human thing.

Last year I went on opening day to see Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ in the theater. All I could say afterwards was wow. It is a powerful reminder that it was not accidental - that Christ didn't get "caught off guard" - that he looked Satan in the face and said - you dare me to pay this price? - just watch me. The scene in the garden of Gethsemene makes even the "Governator" look weak.

This week I will go once again on Ash Wednesday to remind myself that I am dust - filled with the breath of God - and someday I will again be dust - better not waste any time. I will choose something in my life to work on - this year it will be my finances, making sure I am paying things down and becoming debt free. This week I will again watch The Passion of the Christ - to remind me of the cost of my freedom. This week I will abstain from meat on Friday - as several generations of us have done - out of respect and because it is a very minimal thing to do, minimal inconvenience to show respect for the price that was paid.

First Visit to the Oncologist

Loners make light when the situation is bleak. Cannot tell you the number of times I have heard little tiffs between loners and their spouses when there was a bad joke made out of something that really isn't funny. True to form, when my father came back with bad news from the oncologist, he continued to make light and try to find the humor in this situation. I am posting his note:

"We just returned from Lafayette to see the oncologist. Great guy - very thorough. Not the greatest news however. Got a chance to read the pathologist report (2nd one using flow cytometry) and didn't leave much doubt - malignant stamped all over it - malignant lymphoma - like saying I have a boy son. Stage II actually - found enlarged nodes on both sides of neck. But prognosis does not seem to be so bad - average is 10 years. Here's the funny part - Stage I & II are incurable, Stage III & IV, which are much more aggressive and worse, are curable. I told the doc the answer seems easy to me "Let's just do nothing and wait for the disease to progress to III & IV, and then cure it." He smiled, but said it doesn't work that way. Wouldn't you know it - I thought I found the cure.

This doc really seems to know his stuff. We now start down the slippery slope of multiple tests to establish a base line for the disease so he can establish where it has spread to, also can tell when it is in remission. Also the tests provide additional info needed to develop a treatment plan. Chemo will probably be necessary. The tests consist of a full body CT scan (identify any additional tumor locations), PET Scan (I asked if that was for Scruffy), - it identifies any other cancer cells ("hot spots" he called them) that may be in the body, excisional biopsy of the neck, full blood workup, and bone marrow biopsy. I think I got it all. Just may move to Lafayette. However, they are one of the top cancer care clinics in the state. In fact, he said they are currently conducting a clinical trial (top research study) that he may want to put me in. Will talk about that after test results are in. Not sure I want to be a guinea pig. It's an adventure. But really, the prognosis is good. He was very optimistic, friendly, and thorough. I can think of a lot of worse things to have.

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. They count for a lot. The tests start tomorrow and we just live one day at a time. He could not guarantee the treatment would improve my golf game, so BIG DOG (brother Paul) & six-pack Carl can relax."

The Nature of the Father

What do I know about God - not much. Seems the more I learn about Him, the more there is to know. Twleve years of Catholic school and hundreds of books on apologetics and theology and saints and faith - and still the full nature of God eludes me. Yet He has been my comfort and my source of strength when the days are long. He has been the "one who loved me" even when I was alone. I remember during a lesson at church, I think on Father's Day, the priest was talking about how we develop our perception of God. For many of us, God the Father is a reflection - at least partially - of the character of our own father. This places an enormous burden on fathers, to be good examples not only to their families, but to also keep in mind that their actions translate to the image of God in their own children. For my children, who have not had a consistent father in their lives ever, this could be a problem. We have stayed active in church, but I wonder if God has more maternal traits because they are being raised by a mother.

In my case, however, I never felt like a "sinner in the hands of an angry God" because my father is a benevolent dictator. He has ultimate power, and will use it to make decisions when I cannot, but he does what he decides out of love for his family. My image of God, as one would imagine, is very similar. God calls me out when I need it ( something my Protestant friends call conviction), He gives me chance after chance to get it right ( spoken from a woman who has walked the aisle a couple of times) and more importantly, when I pray for Him to be clear about what I should do and where I should veer, He is plain as day ( ie a call from both the Women's Shelter and my lawyer that we were in danger and needed to leave). My father, after studying the visions at Medjugoria, decided we should read Maria Valtorte's Poem of the Man God, which recounts her visions of the life of Christ. My view of God has never been the same. He is real, He has a sense of humor ( not sure? Check out a platypus)and more importantly, He acts on the love He claims to have for me.

This past year has been difficult, as I referred to in an earlier post, but I never felt like God had abandoned me. Maybe overestimated my abilities, but stood there to catch me nonetheless. I can hear echoes of my own father " You will take responsibility for your actions, you will take care of these kids and you will be fine".

Every sparrow ever pushed out of the nest knows that when the final moment comes - a part of you thinks the parent is mean or cruel to push you out and make you fend for yourself. But after that moment is the joy and freedom of knowing you did something. During each trial, there is the feeling that I have been put to the fire, and yet, rather than melting, I am burnished and my metal is stronger.

I heard Max Lucado speak about how God loves us as nearly irrational. He loves us more than we can imagine, He chases after us even when we ignore Him and He gives us a chance to come back to love Him until the last breath leaves our lips. If a person did this we would say they were obsessed - but it is exactly that kind of love that could motivate the use of a sinless soul to pay for the debt of sinners.

The odd thing is that a good father has traits that are common to both moms and dads. He is stern when needed, and able to comfort when the occasion calls for nurturing. He is both protector and partner in creation, he is willing to risk the love and approval of a child by being honest, constructively correcting flaws before they ruin a life. A good parent has both sides, using each one at the appropriate time - listening, comforting , chastising, and picking up the pieces when the world turns inside out.