Justin sent me information about how to link websites in my blog - since he does this almost daily and my past attempts have failed miserably.
What better to link than a site devoted to little bits of wisdom and a page on Clarissa Pinkola-Estes' book, Women Who Run With the Wolves. Though smattered with New Age influences, this book was a catalyst in my life - enabling me to become recentered when is was drifting and also enabling me to see that not all women are quiet and polite and thin and perfect - and that women like me are alright, too. It has helped me find a balance with my wild nature and recognize when I allow myself to be trapped. ( Okay - it only works if you are paying attention and do not ignore all the things you see!) If you are interested - or you love a woman who needs to have her hands in the dirt, or throwing clay or spattering paint or writing at 2 in the morning, this may be a good site to check out. Women Who Run with the Wolves Synopsis Site
Friday, January 28, 2005
Shelter in the Storm
I lived in Indiana for most of my life, and beautiful Midwestern storms are a common part of that - Big thunderhead clouds, pouring rain, tornados, lightening and ice storms, and blizzards that could shut down a city for days. Perhaps it is that which caused me to fall in love with the new basement. It has a gas fireplace, but more importantly, it is perfect for tornado weather - low enough in the ground to offer protection, but with an access door outside so we won't get trapped. And it is perfect for ice storms which knock out powerlines - the gas fireplace will allow us to cook and have heat even when the power is off. The cinderblock construction, though not exceptionally warm, offers good protection and a solid space. The telephone poles used as supports can help section off a space to keep us all snug and warm. Now all it needs is a bathroom and it will be perfect!
As I walked around during the home inspection I found hardwood floors begging for polishing and walls in need of painting. Lots of little things were left - a canopy bed, a Calvin Klein shelf that came from a department store, some cookbooks, a Civil War picture book that Justin really would love to keep and a fridge full of goodies like wine and a Mrs Smith's pie. Funny the things we choose to leave behind. Having just done this myself, I was especially intrigued by the items. Many were the same things I left - things I liked but could live without. It will be interesting to see how much is left when we take possession of the house.
It is only two acres - I could handle a hundred, but that is not my destiny it seems - and the pecan tree holds promise, the beehive is waiting in anticipation and the little shed ( which bears the signs of being a hiding place for a still) awaits a time of usefulness again. It is a place of hope for a new beginning, for happily ever efter, for roots that will finally allow us to hang up the gypsy cloak and have a home.
As I walked around during the home inspection I found hardwood floors begging for polishing and walls in need of painting. Lots of little things were left - a canopy bed, a Calvin Klein shelf that came from a department store, some cookbooks, a Civil War picture book that Justin really would love to keep and a fridge full of goodies like wine and a Mrs Smith's pie. Funny the things we choose to leave behind. Having just done this myself, I was especially intrigued by the items. Many were the same things I left - things I liked but could live without. It will be interesting to see how much is left when we take possession of the house.
It is only two acres - I could handle a hundred, but that is not my destiny it seems - and the pecan tree holds promise, the beehive is waiting in anticipation and the little shed ( which bears the signs of being a hiding place for a still) awaits a time of usefulness again. It is a place of hope for a new beginning, for happily ever efter, for roots that will finally allow us to hang up the gypsy cloak and have a home.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
I have been married three times
Last night when the words were spoken, they smacked me right up-side my face. It is not something I try to hide, but it is not a great thing to remember. How the hell do you get to be 38 and have three ex-husbands? I can just see the 16-year old version of me yelling this and wondering what ever happened to the Italian guy across the river. Well, I have struggled all day with this, and honestly, I am not sure how it ended up this way. I never got married with the intent to get divorced. I got married twice to "do the right thing" and once because I wanted to. That is a lot of trips down the long aisle with nothing but beautiful kids to show for it.
I married Jerra's dad when I was just twenty. Two months pregnant, I had the edict from my parents that if I loved him enough to get pregnant, then I loved him enough to be married. Parts of that life were about love - but mostly they were about being needed by someone else. When Jerra was born and I couldn't shoulder the burdens alone, things fell apart quickly. She was six months old when I left. Funny thing is I lived through adultery then, and drinking, and waiting for a welfare check to come. He left lots of things undone, so I had to learn how to patch holes and fix toilets and sinks, or else it wouldn't get done. When I promised to honor and cherish, I meant it. I think he did too - it was the practical aspects of staying sober and employed that turned out to be a problem. Is it my fault - I don't know.
I spent the next four years dating, but refusing to get serious - even turning down a man who could have stepped up and been a great dad to Jerra because I was so afraid to trust someone again. Joshua was born during this time, to a single mother trying to work through nursing school. Probably could have gotten married, but the spark just wasn't there and I certainly wasn't going to drag someone else through the quagmire of loving me more than I could love them back.
Then two more years passed and Jake's dad came along. He needed a family, he needed grounding and he was charming. We were together for a year before I remotely entertained the idea of getting married. My plan was just to live together as long as I could get away with it. There was parental pushing again, and we got engaged - in that eternally romantic way: I asked him if he thought we should get married, he said he was in no hurry, but that we could get engaged. He said since it was my ring, I should find one and buy it. I did. About two weeks later we got married. He wasn't ready, I knew it, but I didn't want to lose him, so I walked the aisle. Seemed the only choice at the time. Didn't work. I got pregnant with Jake and after months of begging him to quit threatening to leave me during every disagreement, he finally left and didn't come back. Maybe I pushed, maybe I was a pain in the butt - very probable. Never should have gotten married, and living together would have run it's course soon enough. Even after he left and the papers were signed, I felt bound to love and honor - I promised and just because he renigged , didn't mean I was not still bound by my own promise. I still try very hard to honor him and watch what I say - because I promised.
The last time, was my fault. After Jake's dad left I there was occasionally a boyfriend, but nothing serious and eight years passed. I wanted to believe the Ogre's lies and I didn't make him wait for me long enough. He was talking about marrying me the first week, and I should have seen it. But loneliness and abstinence makes a person do stupid things - so I got trapped. Should have known better. After asking to marry me, he didn't want to set a date, but he did want to be able to start sleeping over at my house. Should have bailed then - missed my chance.
So what does this mean???? I don't know exactly. I am not proud of the choices I have made - but I am proud that I have taken responsibility for the kids and didn't try to blame my troubles on someone else. I do know that I love someone now and it is not out of duty - or because he needs rescuing - or because I am lonely - or because I am settling. I have never felt like I do now - I can see my grandkids playing in the yard with him - envision us on a cruise boat eating jello with our dentures - I dream of the mornings after the kids are gone that we stay in bed just a little longer because we can. I never needed someone so completely - never wanted to be with someone just to watch him sleep and feel the heartbeat in his chest. I cannot stand to imagine that he ever took a lover before me - so precious is he, that I want that part of his life all to myself. He doesn't deserve to be my fourth husband - and for every moment that he has to think of me with someone else, I am eternally sorry. I cry about that sometimes because it is a hurt that I cannot take away from him.
And yet, the road has led us both here. I don't want to ever return the gift God has given me in Justin. I wish I could turn back the clock, that I had waited for him all this time - but then there would be no children and I would be a different woman. Every love has a price to pay - children require the sacrifice of our own agenda and this love requires acceptance of our pasts, painful and colorful as they may be.
I married Jerra's dad when I was just twenty. Two months pregnant, I had the edict from my parents that if I loved him enough to get pregnant, then I loved him enough to be married. Parts of that life were about love - but mostly they were about being needed by someone else. When Jerra was born and I couldn't shoulder the burdens alone, things fell apart quickly. She was six months old when I left. Funny thing is I lived through adultery then, and drinking, and waiting for a welfare check to come. He left lots of things undone, so I had to learn how to patch holes and fix toilets and sinks, or else it wouldn't get done. When I promised to honor and cherish, I meant it. I think he did too - it was the practical aspects of staying sober and employed that turned out to be a problem. Is it my fault - I don't know.
I spent the next four years dating, but refusing to get serious - even turning down a man who could have stepped up and been a great dad to Jerra because I was so afraid to trust someone again. Joshua was born during this time, to a single mother trying to work through nursing school. Probably could have gotten married, but the spark just wasn't there and I certainly wasn't going to drag someone else through the quagmire of loving me more than I could love them back.
Then two more years passed and Jake's dad came along. He needed a family, he needed grounding and he was charming. We were together for a year before I remotely entertained the idea of getting married. My plan was just to live together as long as I could get away with it. There was parental pushing again, and we got engaged - in that eternally romantic way: I asked him if he thought we should get married, he said he was in no hurry, but that we could get engaged. He said since it was my ring, I should find one and buy it. I did. About two weeks later we got married. He wasn't ready, I knew it, but I didn't want to lose him, so I walked the aisle. Seemed the only choice at the time. Didn't work. I got pregnant with Jake and after months of begging him to quit threatening to leave me during every disagreement, he finally left and didn't come back. Maybe I pushed, maybe I was a pain in the butt - very probable. Never should have gotten married, and living together would have run it's course soon enough. Even after he left and the papers were signed, I felt bound to love and honor - I promised and just because he renigged , didn't mean I was not still bound by my own promise. I still try very hard to honor him and watch what I say - because I promised.
The last time, was my fault. After Jake's dad left I there was occasionally a boyfriend, but nothing serious and eight years passed. I wanted to believe the Ogre's lies and I didn't make him wait for me long enough. He was talking about marrying me the first week, and I should have seen it. But loneliness and abstinence makes a person do stupid things - so I got trapped. Should have known better. After asking to marry me, he didn't want to set a date, but he did want to be able to start sleeping over at my house. Should have bailed then - missed my chance.
So what does this mean???? I don't know exactly. I am not proud of the choices I have made - but I am proud that I have taken responsibility for the kids and didn't try to blame my troubles on someone else. I do know that I love someone now and it is not out of duty - or because he needs rescuing - or because I am lonely - or because I am settling. I have never felt like I do now - I can see my grandkids playing in the yard with him - envision us on a cruise boat eating jello with our dentures - I dream of the mornings after the kids are gone that we stay in bed just a little longer because we can. I never needed someone so completely - never wanted to be with someone just to watch him sleep and feel the heartbeat in his chest. I cannot stand to imagine that he ever took a lover before me - so precious is he, that I want that part of his life all to myself. He doesn't deserve to be my fourth husband - and for every moment that he has to think of me with someone else, I am eternally sorry. I cry about that sometimes because it is a hurt that I cannot take away from him.
And yet, the road has led us both here. I don't want to ever return the gift God has given me in Justin. I wish I could turn back the clock, that I had waited for him all this time - but then there would be no children and I would be a different woman. Every love has a price to pay - children require the sacrifice of our own agenda and this love requires acceptance of our pasts, painful and colorful as they may be.
Friday, January 21, 2005
WOO HOO
Yesterday when I left work, I stopped by OUR NEW HOUSE. The bid was accepted, and we are on our way to making my dream come true. I have wanted roots forever and pray that now I will have them.
I bought a house in Logansport when the kids were really little. I worked almost every day until it was a home - a beautiful home with hardwood floors and the warm scent of recently used fireplace. I planted and painted and spackled until it was acceptable. Loved that house and I never wanted to leave. We had family and roots there. After Jacob survived brain surgery, and I was subsisting on $23,000 with three kids, I decided it was time to go. There was no choice, we could no longer function on those meager funds and we had to make a change. Since then, it has felt like we have not been able to stay anywhere. Two years in Arizona, three and a half years back in Indiana with three different addresses. I have felt like a gypsy - which is tough if you are inherently a farmer.
So I pulled into the driveway, as the sun was sinking behind the neighbor's house. The ivy-covered slope yielded to some small trees and then the creek. Crunching through the ivy and the leaves it was evident no one has touched the leaves in a long time. The ground is rested and ready for a spade. I walked along the curve of the creek that will be mine - as much as anything is mine - marveling at the pine trees that had to be fifty feet tall, needled dancing in the breeze that I couldn't feel down below. One lone bush graces the little garden blocked off in front of the porch. I decided it might do with the company of some azaleas in a couple months. The moss-covered area next to the driveway was begging for some early spring bulbs - hyacinths and tulips and maybe some others in blue and purple that I have yet to learn the names of.
It is a good house, and there is a lot of room - enough to corral the dogs, till a garden, pen up some new ducks and maybe even a bunny or two. I think the deck might need a pair of finches in a huge cage to sing the sun awake in the morning. The backyard feeders are empty, so when time comes I look forward to throngs of birds coming. I need a new field guide since there are birds and trees in the yard I don't know. I did recognize some raspberry canes as they tugged at my legs, and I walked through a very old rose bush anxious for pruning.
What a blessing for a brain that loves intrigue - new plants, new trees, new house, new birds, and eventually new ducks. More to come as this dream unfolds, I cannot wait to share a season of joy with you, since 2004 held lots of days without joy.
I bought a house in Logansport when the kids were really little. I worked almost every day until it was a home - a beautiful home with hardwood floors and the warm scent of recently used fireplace. I planted and painted and spackled until it was acceptable. Loved that house and I never wanted to leave. We had family and roots there. After Jacob survived brain surgery, and I was subsisting on $23,000 with three kids, I decided it was time to go. There was no choice, we could no longer function on those meager funds and we had to make a change. Since then, it has felt like we have not been able to stay anywhere. Two years in Arizona, three and a half years back in Indiana with three different addresses. I have felt like a gypsy - which is tough if you are inherently a farmer.
So I pulled into the driveway, as the sun was sinking behind the neighbor's house. The ivy-covered slope yielded to some small trees and then the creek. Crunching through the ivy and the leaves it was evident no one has touched the leaves in a long time. The ground is rested and ready for a spade. I walked along the curve of the creek that will be mine - as much as anything is mine - marveling at the pine trees that had to be fifty feet tall, needled dancing in the breeze that I couldn't feel down below. One lone bush graces the little garden blocked off in front of the porch. I decided it might do with the company of some azaleas in a couple months. The moss-covered area next to the driveway was begging for some early spring bulbs - hyacinths and tulips and maybe some others in blue and purple that I have yet to learn the names of.
It is a good house, and there is a lot of room - enough to corral the dogs, till a garden, pen up some new ducks and maybe even a bunny or two. I think the deck might need a pair of finches in a huge cage to sing the sun awake in the morning. The backyard feeders are empty, so when time comes I look forward to throngs of birds coming. I need a new field guide since there are birds and trees in the yard I don't know. I did recognize some raspberry canes as they tugged at my legs, and I walked through a very old rose bush anxious for pruning.
What a blessing for a brain that loves intrigue - new plants, new trees, new house, new birds, and eventually new ducks. More to come as this dream unfolds, I cannot wait to share a season of joy with you, since 2004 held lots of days without joy.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Thanks
What do you say to someone who changes your life? What words can hold enough emotion or force to convey the depth of gratitude?
There was no way I could make an offer on the house. I could still use my downpayment money and get a rental place, I could stay another six months with Justin and hope to clean up the mess, or I could try to buy something on contract. I called him to tell him the news - this place was going to pass us by. I was upset and he probably could hear the tears in my voice. We had talked before about a back up plan - if mortgage didn't come through, he would help by cosigning. I thought I wouldn't have to take him up on it and I certainly wasn't going to ask him to help me out of this since it was my mess. It is one thing to offer abstarctly, quite another to actually sign your name. Then he offered to talk to the mortgage broker. He sent me an e-mail saying he had a solution.
When I got home, I was still stressed out from the whole day, so Jerra took the boys to see a movie - even though they had seen it before. The house was quiet, and we sat down for dinner. Justin said he would cosign the loan. I could scarcely believe my ears. Time and time again he amazes me with the depth of his kindness. This is a big undertaking, and not a small debt - but he has shown his faith in me and in us by agreeing to do this. I only hope I can make it a haven for us both.
When I talked to my friend that night, I asked her what to say - she said - just say thanks. It is inadequate, but thanks.
There was no way I could make an offer on the house. I could still use my downpayment money and get a rental place, I could stay another six months with Justin and hope to clean up the mess, or I could try to buy something on contract. I called him to tell him the news - this place was going to pass us by. I was upset and he probably could hear the tears in my voice. We had talked before about a back up plan - if mortgage didn't come through, he would help by cosigning. I thought I wouldn't have to take him up on it and I certainly wasn't going to ask him to help me out of this since it was my mess. It is one thing to offer abstarctly, quite another to actually sign your name. Then he offered to talk to the mortgage broker. He sent me an e-mail saying he had a solution.
When I got home, I was still stressed out from the whole day, so Jerra took the boys to see a movie - even though they had seen it before. The house was quiet, and we sat down for dinner. Justin said he would cosign the loan. I could scarcely believe my ears. Time and time again he amazes me with the depth of his kindness. This is a big undertaking, and not a small debt - but he has shown his faith in me and in us by agreeing to do this. I only hope I can make it a haven for us both.
When I talked to my friend that night, I asked her what to say - she said - just say thanks. It is inadequate, but thanks.
e put in an offer this morning, and offered the full amount the family is asking. This is in God's hands now and if it doesn't pan out, I know He will bring something else - maybe even something better.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Today is a great day
This has been an eventful day. First, I have to thank Justin for rescuing me and volunteering ( to use his words) to help with the financing. My two acres and garden and trees were taken from me, but now I have been given that dream again. It looks like more restoration is in store. I am hoping at any minute to be able to put an offer in on a house I really like and even if that one doesn't come through, I am ready to get on with our lives and start again.
Second, I have been sending notes back and forth to the Ogre for about a month now. I think it has been the final purging of my system. I wanted to walk him through letting go for a couple of reasons 1. He is sick as all get out and I don't want him tormenting my parents because he knows where they live 2. I needed to say that I forgave him - I don't want to , but I do want to be forgiven when my time comes, so I had to do it. 3. I had to get my mind finished with this whole process. I have had doubts - mostly about myself, and Justin doesn't deserve that. Rehashing things with the Ogre helped me conclude that it really wasn't me - not just in that flippant way that I thought that before, but in a more detached and analytical way. He still denies hitting me - and I have police records that show otherwise.
The most important part of this is that today I think he got it. His e-mail today said that if indeed I had stooped so low as to have taken a lover, that he was no longer interested (and this is supposed to upset me how???) He has now decided that I am a two-bit whore (a term of endearment second only to "hateful bitch" in his vocabulary) and since I have found someone else, I must be more worthless than I was before. He has decided that it was I who committed adultery ( not hardly) and that my relationship was the reason our marriage broke up ( actually it was that pesky girlfriend and divorce petition - but whose counting) Hallelujah!!
Second, I have been sending notes back and forth to the Ogre for about a month now. I think it has been the final purging of my system. I wanted to walk him through letting go for a couple of reasons 1. He is sick as all get out and I don't want him tormenting my parents because he knows where they live 2. I needed to say that I forgave him - I don't want to , but I do want to be forgiven when my time comes, so I had to do it. 3. I had to get my mind finished with this whole process. I have had doubts - mostly about myself, and Justin doesn't deserve that. Rehashing things with the Ogre helped me conclude that it really wasn't me - not just in that flippant way that I thought that before, but in a more detached and analytical way. He still denies hitting me - and I have police records that show otherwise.
The most important part of this is that today I think he got it. His e-mail today said that if indeed I had stooped so low as to have taken a lover, that he was no longer interested (and this is supposed to upset me how???) He has now decided that I am a two-bit whore (a term of endearment second only to "hateful bitch" in his vocabulary) and since I have found someone else, I must be more worthless than I was before. He has decided that it was I who committed adultery ( not hardly) and that my relationship was the reason our marriage broke up ( actually it was that pesky girlfriend and divorce petition - but whose counting) Hallelujah!!
Soapbox
I spend all day talking to people about what they eat. Now for a woman with a weight problem, this may seem silly. My weight is on the way down, but the numbers that really count - like blood pressure and cholesterol and blood sugar are great. I have taken it upon myself, using masters like Andrew Weil and Diana Schwarzbein to understand why my body acts and reacts to food the way that it does.
It amazes me the number of people who do not realize there is a connection between the artificial colors, processed-beyond-recognition foods, and preservatives that go into the body and the health of the body. Everything is interconnected: Insulin levels, estrogen levels, adrenaline levels, testosterone levels and seratonin levels. If your immune system is overloaded trying to clean junk out of your digestive track - it cannot do a good job chasing down free radicals and precancerous cells at the same time. Neither can it clean up cellular damage from high blood sugars and clean up cardiovascular damage all at once. It is like sending an army of ten against the damage wrought by a hurricane and expecting the job to be complete.
If your body has a predisposition to inflammatory processes like arthritis, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia and diabetes, it is imperative that you allow the immune system only one field to fight on - keeping inflammation in check. There have been recent advances in research for diabetes that points to a close link between Type 2 diabetes and autoimmune disorders - mostly because of the inflammation markers which are similar in each disease process. How do you get your inflammation markers lower - watch what you eat - try to focus on unprocessed or minimally processed foods. Why do you want to? Studies point toward the probability that inflammation has a large part in determining who will have a stroke or heart attack - who will have ulcers and who will have diabetes.
I read once that the key is if you could grow it on your farm, hunt in in the forest of find it on a tree - it is probably good for you. Pop tarts do not grow in the garden so I can still have them - but once a month, not once a day. I have told innumerable patients the same things - stick to food you can recognize - does it look like an apple - then it is probably safe - does it look like oats -then it is probably good for you.
It amazes me the number of people who do not realize there is a connection between the artificial colors, processed-beyond-recognition foods, and preservatives that go into the body and the health of the body. Everything is interconnected: Insulin levels, estrogen levels, adrenaline levels, testosterone levels and seratonin levels. If your immune system is overloaded trying to clean junk out of your digestive track - it cannot do a good job chasing down free radicals and precancerous cells at the same time. Neither can it clean up cellular damage from high blood sugars and clean up cardiovascular damage all at once. It is like sending an army of ten against the damage wrought by a hurricane and expecting the job to be complete.
If your body has a predisposition to inflammatory processes like arthritis, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia and diabetes, it is imperative that you allow the immune system only one field to fight on - keeping inflammation in check. There have been recent advances in research for diabetes that points to a close link between Type 2 diabetes and autoimmune disorders - mostly because of the inflammation markers which are similar in each disease process. How do you get your inflammation markers lower - watch what you eat - try to focus on unprocessed or minimally processed foods. Why do you want to? Studies point toward the probability that inflammation has a large part in determining who will have a stroke or heart attack - who will have ulcers and who will have diabetes.
I read once that the key is if you could grow it on your farm, hunt in in the forest of find it on a tree - it is probably good for you. Pop tarts do not grow in the garden so I can still have them - but once a month, not once a day. I have told innumerable patients the same things - stick to food you can recognize - does it look like an apple - then it is probably safe - does it look like oats -then it is probably good for you.
Monday, January 17, 2005
Penalty for doing the right thing
When my divorce was final, I knew there were a lot of things that had been put into my name - and I wanted a chance to buy my own place and stand on my own two feet. So over the last few months, even though I had about 8 weeks without working, I used part of my savings and my earnings to pay off bills - including some old ones - to help improve my credit score.
THIS BACKFIRED!!!
I just got off the phone with the mortgage company - seems some of those bills were more that two years old and hadn't "reported" for more than two years - so they were no longer hurting my credit rating. By paying them, the companies have now reported them paid - and are now lowering my credit score. Great. So in trying to do the right thing by paying off old debts, I have in fact shot myself in the foot and lowered my credit score significantly.
Don't know what this will mean, as he is saying my interest rate will be higher than I will want to pay and that it will take some time to fix the errors/duplicates and establish a new line of credit - probably six months or more. Well, this just sucks and I think the system is wrong - I only spend money I have - using a debit card and NO credit cards I stay within my budget and don't go indulging in luxuries I cannot afford. Unfortunately, this doesn't help my credit - only makes the whole process harder.
1-19-04: A change in perspective this morning. I have been struggling with my own demons - knowing in my heart that Justin was committed, but still entertaining that doubt. This scenario presented him with an opportunity to step up - and he did. Cannot really question someone' s committment when they help buy your house. In the last 24 hours I have had this veritable epiphany that yet again God set up a circumstance to teach me, and ultimately to bring me comfort and vanquish my demons.
THIS BACKFIRED!!!
I just got off the phone with the mortgage company - seems some of those bills were more that two years old and hadn't "reported" for more than two years - so they were no longer hurting my credit rating. By paying them, the companies have now reported them paid - and are now lowering my credit score. Great. So in trying to do the right thing by paying off old debts, I have in fact shot myself in the foot and lowered my credit score significantly.
Don't know what this will mean, as he is saying my interest rate will be higher than I will want to pay and that it will take some time to fix the errors/duplicates and establish a new line of credit - probably six months or more. Well, this just sucks and I think the system is wrong - I only spend money I have - using a debit card and NO credit cards I stay within my budget and don't go indulging in luxuries I cannot afford. Unfortunately, this doesn't help my credit - only makes the whole process harder.
1-19-04: A change in perspective this morning. I have been struggling with my own demons - knowing in my heart that Justin was committed, but still entertaining that doubt. This scenario presented him with an opportunity to step up - and he did. Cannot really question someone' s committment when they help buy your house. In the last 24 hours I have had this veritable epiphany that yet again God set up a circumstance to teach me, and ultimately to bring me comfort and vanquish my demons.
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
My daddy has cancer
We found out last week that the biopsy, though not 100% conclusive, points to lymphoma. The cancer is slow-growing and has wrapped itself around his juglar vein, though blood flow seems to be normal to the brain.
I am close to my dad - he has really stepped in and been the father that my kids haven't had for most of their lives, taking them to Cub's games and Indian's games, coming to football every weekend - even when he had other things to do. He has really been the stability in our family because he is the even-keeled one. He is the one with sense, the voice of reason.
He has his moments, like everyone else. The weekend I left he took me aside and talked to me about being a good partner to Justin, told me to carry most of the burden with the kids and be careful not to wear out my welcome. Could have chosen a better time, especially since the talk had me in tear during an already stressful weekend - but then , he would have been perfect otherwise. We went to see him last weekend, he looks gray - whether that be from the cold he had or because I see the grayness of cancer - I am not sure. He is going to wait almost a month to even see an oncologist - a decision I don't quite agree with. But he has to be comfortable with his own decisions now.
A part of me is scared. I love my mom, but I don't trust her to consult anyone else about what to do with family property or family heirlooms. I have lost a lot of things in this move, and I really hate to lose more of them. More than that, I am afraid that when my dad goes, I will be left alone. I have decided the only thing I can do is to make my life right so that he can have the peace of knowing I am okay - and that the kids are okay. This is important to him, that I can take care of myself - as evidenced by the number of Craftsman tools he has given me over the years. Okay - can't talk any more about this, but I figured the longer I postpone it, the harder it will be.
I am close to my dad - he has really stepped in and been the father that my kids haven't had for most of their lives, taking them to Cub's games and Indian's games, coming to football every weekend - even when he had other things to do. He has really been the stability in our family because he is the even-keeled one. He is the one with sense, the voice of reason.
He has his moments, like everyone else. The weekend I left he took me aside and talked to me about being a good partner to Justin, told me to carry most of the burden with the kids and be careful not to wear out my welcome. Could have chosen a better time, especially since the talk had me in tear during an already stressful weekend - but then , he would have been perfect otherwise. We went to see him last weekend, he looks gray - whether that be from the cold he had or because I see the grayness of cancer - I am not sure. He is going to wait almost a month to even see an oncologist - a decision I don't quite agree with. But he has to be comfortable with his own decisions now.
A part of me is scared. I love my mom, but I don't trust her to consult anyone else about what to do with family property or family heirlooms. I have lost a lot of things in this move, and I really hate to lose more of them. More than that, I am afraid that when my dad goes, I will be left alone. I have decided the only thing I can do is to make my life right so that he can have the peace of knowing I am okay - and that the kids are okay. This is important to him, that I can take care of myself - as evidenced by the number of Craftsman tools he has given me over the years. Okay - can't talk any more about this, but I figured the longer I postpone it, the harder it will be.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Boys
Last night I spent about an hour and a half in the emergency room with Joshua. He has a brawler's fracture which was acquired when his right fist met Jacob's right eye in a brawl over yet another nameless thing. What is it about boys that causes them to want to start with hitting first? How many dozens of times must I reiterate that this is not appropriate behavior - to hit someone? I sunk to my lowest level in trying to get the point across to the boys - we left the Ogre's den because he thought hitting was appropriate - deserved - necessary - as a means of getting his anger across. I told them that if they wanted to live that way, they could go back.
Most frustrating is that there is some "acceptance" of this behavior. I have been reassured repeatedly that boys will be boys - that is a load of crap. A person cannot always control the emotion - but you can control what you do about it. Why do we tolerate this and then act surprised about bar brawls and drive by shootings?
This will be a hard lesson for Josh - and I don't think we are there yet. The carpal is broken off and sitting at a diagonal angle according to what we saw on the x-ray. It is splinted now, but will have to be set at the orthopedic surgeon's office. And that is not going to be fun - high pain tolerance or not. The other part is that this ordeal is going to cost me about $150 in co-pays - possibly more. The boys will have to earn that money in labor for me over the next week and a half. Unfortunately for them, we have a lot that needs to be done - so I am going to get my money's worth from them.
At times I am just exasperated that I continue to deliver the same messages to the kids and they don't hear it. It was embarrassing to show up and explain that I am so inadequate as a parent that my kids think it is alright for them to hit one another. Someday they will be grown, and this phase will be over, but today, in the midst of it, it seems like it will never end.
Most frustrating is that there is some "acceptance" of this behavior. I have been reassured repeatedly that boys will be boys - that is a load of crap. A person cannot always control the emotion - but you can control what you do about it. Why do we tolerate this and then act surprised about bar brawls and drive by shootings?
This will be a hard lesson for Josh - and I don't think we are there yet. The carpal is broken off and sitting at a diagonal angle according to what we saw on the x-ray. It is splinted now, but will have to be set at the orthopedic surgeon's office. And that is not going to be fun - high pain tolerance or not. The other part is that this ordeal is going to cost me about $150 in co-pays - possibly more. The boys will have to earn that money in labor for me over the next week and a half. Unfortunately for them, we have a lot that needs to be done - so I am going to get my money's worth from them.
At times I am just exasperated that I continue to deliver the same messages to the kids and they don't hear it. It was embarrassing to show up and explain that I am so inadequate as a parent that my kids think it is alright for them to hit one another. Someday they will be grown, and this phase will be over, but today, in the midst of it, it seems like it will never end.
Friday, January 07, 2005
Still Crazy After All These Years
This is first of twelve notes I received since about a week before Christmas. Apparently the Ogre has been unable to fill his bed and hopes that getting to me will cure his lonliness. I am posting to get it out of my system - and embrace the craziness contained in it.
Gentle Reader, if you love a woman, don't throw chili at her, or leave her stranded with three kids at Universal Studios, or go see a girlfriend on the weekends and lie about it, or threaten to divorce her every time you don't agree. Doing that will ensure that the universe will try to make it right by giving her the most wonderful man on the planet the minute she is away from you. Being married is so hard when the person you love is hateful at every opportunity. Does he genuinely miss us - well, probably. He is alone and he hates being alone almost as much as he loves money and things.
" of course things ar not going well for me.I truly miss my family........you and the children.I didn't want to get the divorce from about midway on to when you ask me to sign the final papers.I Signed because you wanted me to do so.I know you don't believe this ,but I love you and the children.I miss you guys every day. You should believe it because it is true.
You said if I would sign the papers, we would get together about a month later and talk. I surely looked forward to that day' but it has been three months since I last saw you.This is the first contact since you called me on 10/04/2004 and threatened me with arrest. I didn't get possession of the house till Nov.1st.Someone placed the keys on the kitchen table.I stayed away from the house just like you requested.Boy, that stuff outside was sure water soaked.
My short talk with your mom was pleasant. I'm not sure why she would paint it any other way.She said you didn't take a job out west.I find that hard to believe.You told me that you had a good opportunity at your old job out there. If indeed that is where you went, I sure wish I was there with you all.
I don't know where you are at, but it would really help my mental state if you would tell me. I really miss you guys in my life.I don't want to be divorced from you.
If you are still in Indiana, I will give you the house next door if it would help you to come back to me. I know that you are not at Arnett anymore.Like you wanted to do, you guys live in it and I would be next door. I wish we would have both tried that route as a last resort. I'm not sure we could have afforded it, but it would have been much better than what happened over the summer.
I am learning to look at the glass as being half full, instead of being half empty. I think that was one of my problems in dealing with stressful events. I am so sorry for the pain and trouble that I caused.
I am willing to do anything to have you back.I will even sell out everything and eventually move to where you are at. I know this is all foreign to you, but I have missed you all since May 1st and even more so since you left.
Please, let's start a dialog via this email address. you and the children are perhaps my last chance at happiness in raising a family.I now know what you were talking about when you said that the kids would be around for our old age.I want to regain their trust again.Christ promotes renewed beginnings.
I still type with two fingers, so you can guess how long it took to peck this out.Please take this serious. I don't want any trouble.......This is my first chance to tell you what is on my heart.
Some mail has come to the house. How can I get it to you. This is sad, but Blessed Sac. called and wanted our family to lit candles during the holiday season.That really tore up my heart.
Family is most important.I didn't handle mine well at all. I ask for God and you to forgive me....and give me another chance.Not another chance with someone else, but with you.
Please think about what I have said.We started out with many dreams and ideas. You helped me with the lose of my dad and job. Two of the most difficult things to deal with in life, besides losing a child.One of the dreams was going back to the reservation.I still want to do that with you now or in the future.Don't blow me off.I want to make things right before God, you and the kids.It is causing me much pain to not know what happened to you and where my family is at.
Please show mercy to me and write again.....I love you"
As an aferthought, I should include here that I sent a note back, telling him that I am not coming back and that absolution was between him and God now. I have forgiven, it is a requirement if I have the gall to call myself a Christian, but that doesn't mean I have to ever crawl back into that pit again.
Gentle Reader, if you love a woman, don't throw chili at her, or leave her stranded with three kids at Universal Studios, or go see a girlfriend on the weekends and lie about it, or threaten to divorce her every time you don't agree. Doing that will ensure that the universe will try to make it right by giving her the most wonderful man on the planet the minute she is away from you. Being married is so hard when the person you love is hateful at every opportunity. Does he genuinely miss us - well, probably. He is alone and he hates being alone almost as much as he loves money and things.
" of course things ar not going well for me.I truly miss my family........you and the children.I didn't want to get the divorce from about midway on to when you ask me to sign the final papers.I Signed because you wanted me to do so.I know you don't believe this ,but I love you and the children.I miss you guys every day. You should believe it because it is true.
You said if I would sign the papers, we would get together about a month later and talk. I surely looked forward to that day' but it has been three months since I last saw you.This is the first contact since you called me on 10/04/2004 and threatened me with arrest. I didn't get possession of the house till Nov.1st.Someone placed the keys on the kitchen table.I stayed away from the house just like you requested.Boy, that stuff outside was sure water soaked.
My short talk with your mom was pleasant. I'm not sure why she would paint it any other way.She said you didn't take a job out west.I find that hard to believe.You told me that you had a good opportunity at your old job out there. If indeed that is where you went, I sure wish I was there with you all.
I don't know where you are at, but it would really help my mental state if you would tell me. I really miss you guys in my life.I don't want to be divorced from you.
If you are still in Indiana, I will give you the house next door if it would help you to come back to me. I know that you are not at Arnett anymore.Like you wanted to do, you guys live in it and I would be next door. I wish we would have both tried that route as a last resort. I'm not sure we could have afforded it, but it would have been much better than what happened over the summer.
I am learning to look at the glass as being half full, instead of being half empty. I think that was one of my problems in dealing with stressful events. I am so sorry for the pain and trouble that I caused.
I am willing to do anything to have you back.I will even sell out everything and eventually move to where you are at. I know this is all foreign to you, but I have missed you all since May 1st and even more so since you left.
Please, let's start a dialog via this email address. you and the children are perhaps my last chance at happiness in raising a family.I now know what you were talking about when you said that the kids would be around for our old age.I want to regain their trust again.Christ promotes renewed beginnings.
I still type with two fingers, so you can guess how long it took to peck this out.Please take this serious. I don't want any trouble.......This is my first chance to tell you what is on my heart.
Some mail has come to the house. How can I get it to you. This is sad, but Blessed Sac. called and wanted our family to lit candles during the holiday season.That really tore up my heart.
Family is most important.I didn't handle mine well at all. I ask for God and you to forgive me....and give me another chance.Not another chance with someone else, but with you.
Please think about what I have said.We started out with many dreams and ideas. You helped me with the lose of my dad and job. Two of the most difficult things to deal with in life, besides losing a child.One of the dreams was going back to the reservation.I still want to do that with you now or in the future.Don't blow me off.I want to make things right before God, you and the kids.It is causing me much pain to not know what happened to you and where my family is at.
Please show mercy to me and write again.....I love you"
As an aferthought, I should include here that I sent a note back, telling him that I am not coming back and that absolution was between him and God now. I have forgiven, it is a requirement if I have the gall to call myself a Christian, but that doesn't mean I have to ever crawl back into that pit again.
Thursday, January 06, 2005
2004 Good Riddance
Last year brought domestic violence, sleeplessness, epilepsy, moving twice, ugly divorce, and cancer to my home. Nothing pleased me more than to be surrounded by people I loved watching the 2005 New Year begin. God only gives us what we can handle - and thankfully He has also given me the blessing of good friends and family to help me through what has been an unbelievable year. A couple of shining moments, though, made all the drama worthwhile...and more importantly, gave me hope that there could be a better life ahead.
So far this year has been pretty tame, the unnamed lump my dad has, found a name, and now we know what to do about it. That is a good start. This weekend we are headed to Florida to see the sun and walk along the ocean - seems like a good beginning to me.
Adapted from the "Social Readjustment Rating Scale" by Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe. This scale was first published in the "Journal of Psychosomatic Research", Copyright 1967, vol.II p. 214. It is used by permission of Pergamon Press Ltd.)
STRESS EVENT VALUE
DIVORCE - 60
SEPARATION FROM LIVING PARTNER - 60
SERIOUS PERSONAL INJURY OR ILLNESS - 45
MARITAL OR RELATIONSHIP RECONCILIATION - 40
CHANGE IN HEALTH OF IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBER - 40
CHANGE IN HEALTH OF IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBER - 40
WORK MORE THAN 40 HOURS PER WEEK - 35
GAIN OF NEW FAMILY MEMBER - 35
BUSINESS OR WORK ROLE CHANGE - 35
CHANGE IN FINANCIAL STATE - 35
CHANGE IN NUMBER OF ARGUMENTS WITH SPOUSE OR LIFE PARTNER - 30
SLEEP LESS THAN 8 HOURS PER NIGHT - 25
CHANGE IN RESPONSIBILITIES AT WORK - 25
TROUBLE WITH IN-LAWS, OR WITH CHILDREN - 25
CHANGE IN LIVING CONDITIONS (visitors in the home, change in roommates, remodeling house) - 20
CHANGE IN PERSONAL HABITS (diet, exercise, smoking, etc.) - 20
CHANGE IN WORK HOURS OR CONDITIONS- 15
MOVING TO NEW RESIDENCE - 15
CHANGE IN SCHOOLS - 15
CHANGE IN RELIGIOUS ACTIVITIES - 15
CHANGE IN SOCIAL ACTIVITIES (more or less than before) - 15
MINOR FINANCIAL LOAN - 10
CHANGE IN FREQUENCY OF FAMILY GET-TOGETHERS - 10
VACATION - 10
PRESENTLY IN WINTER HOLIDAY SEASON - 10
MINOR VIOLATION OF THE LAW - 5
TOTAL SCORE ____690_______________________
This should be enough to kill me - but instead, it seems to have forged a bond between the kids and I that is stronger than I had ever imagined.
So far this year has been pretty tame, the unnamed lump my dad has, found a name, and now we know what to do about it. That is a good start. This weekend we are headed to Florida to see the sun and walk along the ocean - seems like a good beginning to me.
Adapted from the "Social Readjustment Rating Scale" by Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe. This scale was first published in the "Journal of Psychosomatic Research", Copyright 1967, vol.II p. 214. It is used by permission of Pergamon Press Ltd.)
STRESS EVENT VALUE
DIVORCE - 60
SEPARATION FROM LIVING PARTNER - 60
SERIOUS PERSONAL INJURY OR ILLNESS - 45
MARITAL OR RELATIONSHIP RECONCILIATION - 40
CHANGE IN HEALTH OF IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBER - 40
CHANGE IN HEALTH OF IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBER - 40
WORK MORE THAN 40 HOURS PER WEEK - 35
GAIN OF NEW FAMILY MEMBER - 35
BUSINESS OR WORK ROLE CHANGE - 35
CHANGE IN FINANCIAL STATE - 35
CHANGE IN NUMBER OF ARGUMENTS WITH SPOUSE OR LIFE PARTNER - 30
SLEEP LESS THAN 8 HOURS PER NIGHT - 25
CHANGE IN RESPONSIBILITIES AT WORK - 25
TROUBLE WITH IN-LAWS, OR WITH CHILDREN - 25
CHANGE IN LIVING CONDITIONS (visitors in the home, change in roommates, remodeling house) - 20
CHANGE IN PERSONAL HABITS (diet, exercise, smoking, etc.) - 20
CHANGE IN WORK HOURS OR CONDITIONS- 15
MOVING TO NEW RESIDENCE - 15
CHANGE IN SCHOOLS - 15
CHANGE IN RELIGIOUS ACTIVITIES - 15
CHANGE IN SOCIAL ACTIVITIES (more or less than before) - 15
MINOR FINANCIAL LOAN - 10
CHANGE IN FREQUENCY OF FAMILY GET-TOGETHERS - 10
VACATION - 10
PRESENTLY IN WINTER HOLIDAY SEASON - 10
MINOR VIOLATION OF THE LAW - 5
TOTAL SCORE ____690_______________________
This should be enough to kill me - but instead, it seems to have forged a bond between the kids and I that is stronger than I had ever imagined.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Whining
Do you ever catch yourself whining about something in your life that isn't going how it should? It is so easy to get wrapped up in your own stuff that you lose perspective. Other than being constantly broke as a result of caring for three children, my life is going really well. My biggest problem is that I am in love with a fantastic man who balances out my impulsive nature by wanting to wait and feel sure before we commit to being with each other forever. Cannot believe I allowed myself to actually get upset about that!! Just eight months ago, I was fearing for my life and a psychotic man was stalking me and wanted to hurt my kids. A little perspective is required here.
This hit me today, when I went to see a patient who is 37, uses street drugs, has no insurance, and was just diagnosed with breast cancer which has metasticized to her spine and who knows where else. Beautiful woman, yourng woman, and I see that my life could have turned out much differently. In the face of the day she is having - anything I am upset about is just whining.
This hit me today, when I went to see a patient who is 37, uses street drugs, has no insurance, and was just diagnosed with breast cancer which has metasticized to her spine and who knows where else. Beautiful woman, yourng woman, and I see that my life could have turned out much differently. In the face of the day she is having - anything I am upset about is just whining.
Monday, January 03, 2005
Sure
Well, what in the world does that mean? How can you be sure of the choices that any person complete with free will is going to make? How can you guarantee that he or she won't have a nervous breakdown, or a car accident or a stroke and change the person you loved forever? What if depression sinks and and the person you loved never comes back to the life-filled person you now know? Life is full of curves and hairpin turns without warning signs. We have to keep our eyes open and grasp onto goodness when we find it.
It is only fair that I answer the "are you sure" question, since I seem to be the one so focused on it these days. The answer is yes, I am sure. Which then begs the question how do I know. Scripture says you may know about the character of something or someone by the fruit it bears. One look at my home and the transformation that has taken place in all of our lives gives the confirmation I need. The branches are heavy with ripe fruits of joy and love and hope. My kids are laughing, playing and singing, freely, in the knowledge that they are loved. They accept discipline from a man who is not their father, because they were loved first. There is music and laughter and light in a place that was darkness, there is hope of a new beginning, where despair used to live. There is peace in a family that feared death and was afraid to sleep in their own home.
How many times have we heard how good we are for each other - that each of us was rescued from ourselves as a result of the other? How many days have we had with just overwhelming gladness - not just that lonliness is gone, but that the words "I love you" are totally insufficient to describe the intensity of emotion wrapped up in that moment. When I have been unable to trust in anything else, on the day I had to pull my kids out of school, pack up my house and leave, in fear for our lives, I trusted in us. That is how I know.
It is only fair that I answer the "are you sure" question, since I seem to be the one so focused on it these days. The answer is yes, I am sure. Which then begs the question how do I know. Scripture says you may know about the character of something or someone by the fruit it bears. One look at my home and the transformation that has taken place in all of our lives gives the confirmation I need. The branches are heavy with ripe fruits of joy and love and hope. My kids are laughing, playing and singing, freely, in the knowledge that they are loved. They accept discipline from a man who is not their father, because they were loved first. There is music and laughter and light in a place that was darkness, there is hope of a new beginning, where despair used to live. There is peace in a family that feared death and was afraid to sleep in their own home.
How many times have we heard how good we are for each other - that each of us was rescued from ourselves as a result of the other? How many days have we had with just overwhelming gladness - not just that lonliness is gone, but that the words "I love you" are totally insufficient to describe the intensity of emotion wrapped up in that moment. When I have been unable to trust in anything else, on the day I had to pull my kids out of school, pack up my house and leave, in fear for our lives, I trusted in us. That is how I know.
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