merry christmas to all - and to all a good night

We had a great Christmas - but owing to the long trip to Indiana and now almost a week's worth of sleepless nights - I will post something more substantial later in the week. I took the week off to get Justin's house ready to put on teh market - so we will be up to our ears in paint until the weekend. Thanks to those of you who left souch good wishes for our Christmas - and said prayers for my dad. Your thoughts and kind words have really meant a lot.


It's dark now, and I need to cook dinner and put the ducks back in their pen. May His Face Shine down upon you!

Intra operative Note

The rooster crows as I leave my office
and the worried voice of my mother
on the other end of the phone says
that the lymph node was elusive in surgery

so the doctor who doesn't operate on necks
will have to push his limit, and find a node there
I can taste the fear it in my mouth
and there is nothing to do but pray

Tears well up in my eyes as I drive
where else would I go when I hurt
so my car veers into His driveway, His house,
where a Christmas Star already hangs in anticipation

The church is quiet, and a policeman drives past
Smiling and catching my eye as he waves
There are no lights, but the scent of pine
Greets me like an old friend as I walk in

To the front seat, wood smooth and warm
The Nativity is there, with the empty manger
But He is right there - looking down from the cross above
And He is my Lord so I ask

I ask for a miracle, I ask for angels
I ask for a blessing and a gift that I do not deserve
And the sacristy light flickers with a breeze I don't feel
The church is silent

I wait, and I pray and I let the tears come
Even on my best day, I still fall short
make mistakes, act like an ass, it happens
And I am sorry, but I am a child in deep need

A chill comes over me, my tears have stopped
I look over at the Nativity, they knew fear
They certainly knew sorrow and loss
The sacristy light burns straight and strong, only for a moment

And I know that He has heard my prayers
And will answer them as the Good Father that He is.

Merry Christmas - especially for Ian

Last week, Ian posted some beautiful pictures of Australia at Christmastime. Since he is my internet crush (it's okay, Justin already knows) - and possibly the crush of a few other girls I know, I wanted to say Merry Christmas properly. I found this on another blog, and had to share it:

Christmas, Aussie Style: http://www.kenduncan.com/echristmas

Merry Christmas, my friend.

Whirlwind Christmas

As I type this it is about 1:45. My dad is in surgery, getting shunts put in his kidneys to help them drain. I talked to him at lunch and he sounded fine. His back pain is gone - and the oncologist says there isn't a good reason why it should be gone. God cut him some slack - and maybe just maybe, we will be blessed with another miracle - we've lived through a couple already.

My dad survived a plane crash and a heart attack and lymphoma already, my mom and dad are still married and in love, I have a huge extended family. Jacob has survived brain surgery, Bear survived two car wrecks in two years, and Josh has survived the Ogre. We escaped intact last year and have found ourselves a bit displaced, but happy. All my kids are healthy, my animals are healthy, I have a husband who loves me and enough money to have all the bills paid before Christmas. I paid cash and there won't be any nasty credit card bills lurking in the January mail. I have some magnificent girlfriends - and have met dozens more through blogging - where I have really learned a lot this year.


Even though we hadn't planned on driving up to Indiana, that is the plan now. We leave before dawn Christmas Day. The local part of our family ( Including you YoJ, right?) are all coming with less than two day's notice over Christmas Eve - I don't think the house is clean enough - but who cares when you have presents!!!

In this country where there are people who don't have running water, or electricity or enough to eat, we are blessed. There were never any garuntees that the road would be easy " In this world you will have trouble, but I will be your Peace that where I am, there you may also be." And regardless of how this Christmas turns out, it is well with my soul.

Say a Little Prayer...

Tony Dungy, the coach of my beloved Colts, received word that his 18 year old son was found dead in his apartment in Tampa this morning. They do not suspect foul play. Take a moment and say a little prayer for this family, and for the man who gives so much to the community. No one deserves to suffer through such a thing at Christmas.

And while you are at it, add one for my dad, his name is Dave, and he is having surgery tomorrow to put in stents in his kidneys so his body is prepared to try to fight off cancer one more time. I can't be there so my prayers will have to do.

Reindeer Ticks

You can consider this my Christmas gift to you.
Merry Christmas and please heed this warning.

Tick Scam: If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on reindeer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around to shake off the ticks so they can count them, do not do it! IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid. Merry Christmas anyway!

(PS Thanks Sunny for this gem!)

Baby Garnet and I

Okay - two cute baby pictures - here is Steph and Mark's baby Garnet, the star of my visit to Albuquerque. What a beautiful baby!

Finally feeling silent night

As I reflect on last Christmas, we were a family still in transition. All of our Christmas things were in storage in Indiana, and I frankly wasn't sure how much of it we had managed to take with us. We had suffered a lot of losses, and were reeling trying to feel the spirit.

It has been a long year, full of trials and blessings alike. That is the way of things, living and dying, endings and beginnings. I have been having trouble getting into the Christmas spirit, even though I have been shopping for presents for three months now and listening to the Christmas CDs in my car. We finally boought a tree, unceremoniously last week. The tree was covered only in white lights, in a corner in the basement, awaiting children to adorn its branches, but days later they still lay bare.

Last night it was time to get the presents wrapped. I am pleased with the things I bought, and we had a bit of money this year, so we bought some great presents. Justin did the tape and the gift tags, while I wrestled with the paper. Each person gets one color paper so we can find things under the tree - hey there are five of us plus extended family, so the alternative is wading through a zillion things to find your presents.

Then the most amazing thing happened, as we were wrapping, I felt like the Grinch on Mount Crumpet, my heart filled with anticipation and joy at how thrilled the kids would be, about how cool the presents were for Justin and my folks, and the more I wrapped, the better I felt.

We were done at 12:30, I stacked the gifts and started taking them to the basement and the tree. The little white lights looked lonely, with the Fontanini manger as her only company. So I grabbed the basket of ornaments, things we gathered from Tsaile, Riodoso, Phoenix, Oklahoma City, Atlanta, Logansport,Indianapolis, Lukachukai mountains, Steph's Nutcracker, the kids handmade snowmen and gingerbread ornaments, Justin's wooden duck and the turtle dove my mom gave me. With each ornament, the tree looked more and more like it belonged in our house, like Christmas was finally on it's way, pressing forward, pushing its joyful message even though we weren't ready.

It is good to have our things, good to have our dorky Christmas ornaments and funny bent wreaths to hang about. And it is good when the house and the heart finally feel like Christmas is on the way.

Scene's from Loner's Ridge

I feel like I get bogged down with pictures, but I want to post them of the critters - so here is the address for pictures galore. Okay, I have only posted a couple so far, but here is where they will go: Scenes from Loner's Ridge


You can see the new goats, Nellie, Sophie and Jenny and the new puppy, Maggie.

In other news, we got our first EGGS from the ducks this morning - picture posted there as well!

I don't know how to do this

This is not my "happy life" post for today, mostly cause not every day is happy - go figure - that one is next - skip this if you aren't in the mood for something less than happy.

My dad is back to seeing the oncologist - and he asked me to keep this quiet - but since none of his friends and only my family read this, I don't think I am divulging anything.

The cancer is back - and has come back with a vengence. His kidneys are stressed from all the chemo - and the other antibiotics he is taking for an opportunistic infection in his lungs.

The upshot is that he is sick. And I don't know how to react appropriately, I guess.
I cannot find a definitive guide about how to act around someone who is sick - other than what years of nursing experience have taught me - be available, be open to doing whatever a person needs, and don't treat people like they are invalids - treat them like you did before.

For the duration of this, I have tried to treat him as I would want to be treated. That made sense to me since we are similar in how we deal with things like being sick. The last thing I would want is people fussing over me, calling me every day to see how I was feeling. I would want conversation about good things - funny things- focusing on living.

I have not wanted to be a pain - and the last thing I want to do is stress him out because he is trying to help me feel better about this. You can't make something like cancer all better just by wishing it away - but you can give it power over your life by having it be the focus of every conversation. That is not healthy.

I would do the same things my folks have done, making sure my plot is paid for and my funeral arrangements are made so as not to leave that to the kids - that is a pragmatic Loner thing to do. They have done this, we have talked about it - I feel pretty comfortable about it - but I don't see the need to keep bringing it up to him - when he wants to talk about it he will bring it up.

So how do you cope with the unknown - do I act like he will die any day? I don't feel like we have a bunch of unfinished business to settle - like there are things left unsaid. I never have felt that way - we have talked openly for a very long time. So I guess that explains the lack of urgency - the reason I dont' feel like I need to call him every day to see how he is feeling - I know how he is feeling - he is tired, he is not sleeping, he is in pain - and I can't see where calling to remind him of this - and forcing him to recount this is any help.

I am sad, and I am afraid it will be difficult for him - but I am a Christian, and a Catholic and I know that Christ will take my dad to a place of peace and rest when his days are over. I'm in no hurry to give him up - but the truth is that if I really believe, I know that is the fate of a man like my dad on the other side.

So what am I to do? Quit my job and move back to Indiana? Go on medical leave so that I will be available to help run to appointments and decipher medical lingo? Call every day to check in? I just don't know what I am supposed to do to be the "good daughter" in this scenario. So for now I am just muddling through. Anyone with a how to guide is welcome to suggest one.

Maggie and the Gift of the Magi

Just like all good things, there was more to Maggie's story than we originally knew. Maggie came to us yesterday afternoon - and the sky was clear and the temperature was kind at 60+ degrees. She is not too sure about Matilda, but in time I think she'll be fine. As her family was getting ready to leave, Justin was sitting with Johnny on the porch - Maggie has decided Johnny was her master, and followed him right on the heels. Their story reminded me of teh Gift of the Magi, if you dont' remember it, here is a link.

Maggie was a gift to Johnny's son, Justin, from his fiance'. The fiance also had a poodle. When the gift was purchased it seemed like a great idea for them both to have a dog. But then life and reality took hold - they were just getting out of school, getting ready to be married and start their lives - and two pups and vet bills can be a real strain on finances when you are job hunting, so she decided she would rather have her fiance' than worry about vet bills, and put her beoved poodle up for adoption. He decided to do the same for Maggie. Johnny lives around other cattle farmers, so they had hoped to let Maggie come stay with his folks and then find somewhere close for her, but no luck. She adjusted quickly to farm life, sleeping outside with the other dogs, following Johnny around everywhere. Johnny thought about keeping her, but with the sacrifice Justin's fiance' made, that just didn't seem right.

So yesterday was the next chaper for them - letting Maggie go to a new house and freeing the college couple to begin their lives on more solid footing. It was tough on Johnny - who just sat on the porch saying his goodbyes while the women and I watched from the kitchen windows.

Maggie slept in with us last night, snuggled down in the comforter. As much as she was loved and valued - it was the least we could do to honor that.

Has it been two weeks?

Doesn't she just have the sweetest face? This is Maggie.

You may remember Matilda, who has revolutionized how we feel about dogs here. She is sweet tempered except for the occasional possum who finds himself on her bad side - she is very gentle with the other animals.

Just yesterday, while I was out working on the goat pen, readying it for the rain, Matilda snuck into the house, where I found her snuggled up with Kitten Bob and chewing Sheilas rawhide. Of course it was a picture moment, but I was without camera.

Anyway, Matilda needs a buddy - and ol' Sheila is not getting big fast enough, so Matlida has taken to roaming in the goat pen, trying to snuggle up with them, much to the goats' dismay. Enter Maggie - another Kelpie in need of a home, her owners are in school full time and cannot give her the attention she needs - so they contacted us. Still working out the details, but with her sweet face and experience of living on a farm already, she would be a welcome addition.

Winter wonderland

Our furnace went out the day before yesterday - the repairman is coming today.

The blessing of having an older house is that it was originally built with electric heaters in each room - which proved valuable in light of the freezing temperatures and lack of furnace.

I also hooked up the vent for the dryer - so that all that warm humid air would flow into the house and warm it up - it was tropical before bedtime.

Then the rain started, and the ice started accumulating.
About 5am I woke up, it was starting to get cold. I looked around to find pitch darkness - and thought we might have blown a fuse with all the electric heaters, then looking out my window I saw that everyone on the block had darkness. While I stood there at the window the lights came back on - like a magic wand had sprinkled white fireflies all over.

The drive into work was uneventful -and beautiful as the rising sun danced over the ice covered limbs. The roads were wet, but passable.

So we may not get a white christmas, but the iceglazed limbs were just phenomenal.

Do you believe?

I was reading Dear Abby this morning, and this little tidbit caught my eye. 'Tis the season - and in a couple of weeks we will be waiting patiently for Santa to come to the house and drop off our presents while we drive around and around the neighborhoods to see all the Christmas lights.

DEAR ABBY: I am 8 years old, and I have a question that has bothered me for months. Is Santa Claus a real person, and if not, why does everyone say he is? And if Santa Claus ISN'T real, where do all the letters go? -- CONFUSED IN KINGSTON, N.Y.

DEAR CONFUSED: Santa Claus is more than a human being. Santa Claus is the living symbol of selfless giving, handed down from one generation to the next. In 1897, a girl named Virginia asked the same question in a newspaper. A very wise newspaper editor, Frank Church, wrote in reply:
"Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. ... The most real things in the world are those which neither children nor men can see. ... Thank God, he (Santa Claus) lives, and he lives forever. A thousand years from now -- nay, 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood."
Letters to Santa Claus go where every other letter goes -- directly to the U.S. Postal Service, which makes sure the letters reach their destination regardless of "rain, hail, sleet or snow."

Read on for a testimony from a true believer:
DEAR ABBY: Yesterday afternoon, as I was opening my mail, I came across an envelope with my name and address printed on it, but no return address. I assumed it was junk mail that had been made to look like a Christmas card, but curiosity got the better of me, so I opened it.
Inside was a Christmas card. It was signed "Santa," and inside were five $100 bills!
I checked the postmark. It read, "Grand Rapids, Mich., Dec. 9." Abby, I don't know anyone in Grand Rapids.
I'm divorced. My ex-husband hasn't been helping me to support our children. Times have been hard. Obviously, the card was sent by someone who cares about us very much -- someone who went to great trouble to remain anonymous. The money was a blessing. An equally great blessing is the fact that my children had a chance to witness such an act of generosity and kindness.
I hope that Santa is reading your column today, because I want to say thank you very much from the bottom of my heart. I am grateful. -- STILL BELIEVES IN SANTA, HOUSTON

DEAR STILL BELIEVES: I'm printing your letter with the conviction that some kind of elf will ensure that it is delivered as far north as a reindeer can fly. A perceptive person once said that true generosity is doing something nice for someone without taking credit for it. However, your case is exceptional -- and how fitting of your benefactor, "Santa," to take a bow. I know readers of all ages will be as gratified as I was to read about his act of kindness in this, the season of giving.

In 1998 I was a single mom with three kids. Jacob's seizures and the medical workup related to them had forced me to give up working a lucrative night job in the ER to about half the salary as a public health nurse. Child support was sketchy at best and we were way past broke.

Christmas came, and Santa brought each of the kids a new coat, new socks and shoes, toys and a huge basket of food - nearly a week's worth. He also brought an envelope to help with medical bills - $500 from the people who worked for the county.

Do I believe - absolutely. There has never been any question that wherever there are people who are willing to give of themselves - help others in need - there is a Santa. The most real things in this world are those our eyes can never see...love, joy, peace

Uh - sorry 'bout that

I set up "comment moderation" - but forgot to key in my e-mail address - so I have no idea where the comments have gone for the past three days! URGH!

In other news, Monday night I let Bear trim my hair - and it looks good. I always hate getting my hair cut - always feels like too much has been taken off - but the color looks good and the cut is fine.

Pictures to follow...

Tidbits on another fabulous day

I came in right on time today - even after dropping off my daughter and acquiring a traditional chicken biscuit ( minus the biscuit) for breakfast.

I got the room set up for class - then -my insulin pump patient cancelled with the flu...

So I HAVE NO WORK TO DO!!!! I am all caught up - something that has not happened in about 8 months and now, be still my heart, I am headed home at noon to go hang Christmas lights.

I got a call from the Bone Marrow donation people - I had sent them an e-mail a few months ago to see if I could update my information - and they called me back to update my information. Side note here - if you have not registered with them, it is a simple blood test to determine you compatibility, I did mine at a time when I was donating my O negative blood anyway - and bone marrow can save someone's life, consider registering to be a donor.

Some mornings just rock

(See, all that baby and green chile and mesquite fire and good friends therapy worked!)

You know it is going to be a good day when :
1. you have new jewelry to wear
2. it is just barely cold enough for a jacket, so the white coat will suffice
3. your husband still finds you attractive even though no makeup has been applied
4. you accidentally remembered your pager
5. upon arriving home you realize you only have two more Christmas gifts to purchase
6. you check the bank and find that YOU HAVE PAID ALL YOUR BILLS AND STILL HAVE MONEY LEFT OVER!

What I've Learned

I've learned . . . that being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned . . . that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned . . . that one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow you may have to eat them.
I've learned . . . that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do.

Courtesy of Andy Rooney

My friend pointed out to me that I am quick to forgive - that a person may hurt me over and over again and I forgive them. Sometimes this is a good thing, as harboring old debts eats up your soul. But sometimes, I forgive so quickly that the person is apt to hurt me again - and the repeated damage from getting hurt over and over again isn't too great for the soul either.

I have always been keenly aware of most of my faults - and after a rather rambunctious period in my twenties, I feel like I can understand a lot of "stupid" things people do - especially since I have made many of those mistakes myself.

I still struggle with finding that fine line between being forgiving and being a doormat.

face

Green Chile Therapy

Sitting last night on the heated porch of a restaurant in Bernalillo
The mesquite fire heating the air with a scent so delicious
The room felt like heaven with a bonfire and twinkling lights

Tequilla enriched margrita bothe salty and sweet
And the moon peaking through the cottonwood trees
My friends beside me, basking in their love dreamy-eyed

Fresh guacamole arrives with chunks of avacado, the color of spring
Red Chile encrusted ribs and savory green chile queso
Follow suit on a plate decorated with red and blue chips

The smell is intoxicating, taking me back to the Reservation
To a time when I was myself nearly all the time
No pretense, no worrying about what people think, peaceful

I think it is the mesquite smoke - which wafted from the nearby trailers
when the weather was cold and snow hung threatening in the air
That reminds me of mornings drinking coffee with my friends

Marveling at the intricacies of our lives

I feel better - finally - and realize that I have fallen
Back into my own trap, of holding in what I feel
Of suffering silently - of not asking enough of my family

I slept 10 hours Friday night - and aybe I'll get another 10 tonight
But more importantly, I have peace in my soul and
A plan to get my life back on track, following my instincts

I am going to away...

This afternoon Justin will drive me to the airport - where I will fly back to my other home out west - back to Albuquerque and mesas and sage and rabbit brush.

But most importantly, I'll get to see my girl Steph, her sweet husband Mark and the new bambini, Garnet. I still have baby-fever, though just a touch, and I can hardly wait to see them.

Just knowing that I will have a few days in the company of people I love - without my normal household chores -has covered me in a feeling of peace that I have lacked over the past couple of months. I hope to get to see a couple of my girlfriends, though so far it doesn't look like they will be able to make the trip out from Tsaile.

I never really thought about how blessed I am - I delivered all three kids without much trouble. Jake was a big guy - 10 1/2 pounds, but after a bit of oxygen, he did just fine. I did gain about 80 pounds after Jake was born, but had easy deliveries.

Steph has really struggled - and like a good mama, she took good care of her baby, preventing macrosomia ( ginormous baby in laymans terms) by diligently taking insulin multiple times a day. Then there was an emergency c-section and meconium staining despite her efforts. Several days of NICU later, Garnet is home and healthy and safe.

And though I never had that beautiful moment where I handed my baby over to the proud daddy and he said something sweet - like honey that was the most beautiful thing - or thank you for our baby - I do have the blessing of three happy and healthy kids - and now a man at home who loves them. And a person can scarcely ask for more of a blessing than that.

Wouldn't you like to be a quacker, too?

Justin took this shot a couple of weeks ago - I thought it was really beautiful - these are our ducks, several varieties of Indian Runners. The black ones are jsut starting to get their green highlighted feathers, and you can see the lovely tawny color of the chocolate hen in the very front. They are in their nighttime enclosure which has poultry wire across the top to keep out racoons and possums while they are sleeping.

Then in the background on the left, you can see Fred (or is that George) getting a drink - his fanny is right under the crossbar and Matilda is keeping watch, tongue lolling out, there at the door a kind of dogshaped grey mass.

A Day to Remember

Once upon a time there was a sneak attack on the US - oh wait, it has happened more than once. Each time we think it will never happen again, and yet it does. Today we remember those lost in Pearl Harbor and the 900+ men who were never found on that awful day.

Sometimes life throws us a sneak attack - sends us things we weren't prepared for - didn't expect and then, well, here we are.

Today is also my brother, Davey's birthday. And the whole idea of a sneak attack seems to relate.

He lives with Bipolar Disorder, a chemical imbalance that causes him to question most of his thought processes, his decisions and continue to live a life that has been disjointed at best. The demons of this imbalance attack without warning. One can be feeling well - then that feeling zooms ahead into mania - and the feelings of invincibilty cloud judgment. On the way back down, the body fails to stop at normal and spirals headlong into depression which cripples the ability to see any hope for the future - any point in trying again. This constant up and down cycle is exhausting at best - and for some people - it drains the very life from them.

When I was in Nursing school I worked at Wishard in downtown Indianapolis. People came right from the bus station to our Psych ICU unit and I saw all manner of things that mental illness can to do people. We used to joke that it was a good job because our return patients all came back loopy, but not dying. There were the blessings of clouded memories for people as the medications started to work and their brains returned to normal function. But my favorite folks were always those who were bipolar. Brilliant minds, racing thoughts - they were fun to work with, but the depression was just heartbreaking. We went to NAMI meetings to show our support and be with families trying to cope with something intangible.

Each day these folks, like my brother, struggle through. Sometimes it requires several medications to find not that works. Often times it requires therapy to learn how to cope with the mood swings. More importantly, it requires us to recognize that folks dealing with mental illness get up every day and deal with demons far worse than just a need for a cup of coffee. It takes courage to get through another day - it takes persistence to even dream of a better life - and it takes the wisdom to see hope and joy in the little things that go well.

So on Pearl Harbor day - I salute those of you who live through sneak attacks, and pause to remember those who were not able to make it through.

What are you some kind of rescue for wayward goats?

Well, as a matter of fact, I guess we are.

I have an ad in the agricultural newspaper that circulates throughout the state. I decided after losing the baby goats that I needed to do something a bit more altruistic with our land, and offered our number to anyone who had an animal in need of rescue. So far we have added two bunnies whose owner never came back for them, and received a call about three Nubian does who may be coming this weekend and a sick bunny - that we are still contemplating. On Saturday I got a call from a gal who adopted a baby goat - who now thinks he is a dog - and her husband is tired of the goat. She is afraid that he might end up going to a home where they would use him for food and since he is leash trained and very tame, she thought that would be a shame.

So last night it was freezing out - and had rained all day - but we made the 45 minute trip up to see her.

First thing, Chewie decided to stand on his rear legs and greet us, nipping at Justin's jeans looking for food. We knew he would be a good match. Lisa's daughter was heartbroken about giving the little guy away - so we told her to come visit anytime. She went inside before we left.

An hour and a half - and a pizza and hotwings later, this was the scene in my kitchen:



Chewie slept inside in a kennel - something he was not thrilled about. As I type this, Justin is introducing him to the other wethers in the yard. He was good therapy and I hope that he will help teach the other goats to be a bit more tame.

To compliment my fowl mood

Courtesy of Magz

GGGGRRRRRRR

For two nights in a row I have been awake at 4am
My house looks like an atom bomb went off
I had to deal with two grumpy sleep-deprived males this weekend
I spent my entire day Saturday and Sunday working and my body is sore
I need a nap and a vacation - instead I am booked up with patients all day.
I have a friend who isn't playing fair and keeps making little comments about other people's shortcomings while being totally incapable of seeing their own.
One phrase - work first, play later - why the hell don't people understand the importance of this?
I don't like feeling like this - sleep deprivation has taken over and I am hibernating for the day.

Winterizing

We have spent the past couple of weekends trying to get the house ready for winter - and just in time. The temps are steadily in the 30s now overnight - and it is a bit chilly in the air ( though this morning we were awakened to a thunderstorm - and it was only about 40 degrees out - weird.)

Anyway - there have been about 14 of the last 18 years where I was a single mom - just me and kids - and when that happens and you are a loner, you learn to fix stuff on your own.

So we have built a rabbit hutch, installed weather stripping, installed a new light,new ceiling fan in the kitchen, installed a heating duct into our floor - though the rest of the flooring still needs to be replaced from old water damage, installed a flapper in the toilet, and the coolest thing - pardon the pun - is the automatic thermostat. A new ceiling fan wiht a light awaits me - actually it is still out in teh van waiting for someone to carry it in.

I read Mother Earth News - unabashedly - and we went down the list of things we could do to save money over the winter - turn down the water heater, install weather stripping, put plastic over windows, open the shades on the windows that get sun during the day and get an automatic thermostat to save on heating during the day when the house is mostly empty - or at least all the inhabitants have either fur or feathers. The programming was a bit lengthy - but is seems like it is working well.

I have been cold nearly every day when i come home - and hate to crank hte heat up to 70 just to warm up. I hope this will help - the house was very obviously not built by people who have lived through week after week of freezing weather - only one door had weather stripping and there was no insulation over our bedroom at all. I was hoping to put another roll in the attic, but that will have to wait.

In other news, I am going to get to see Steph and baby Garnet next weekend - flying out on Thursday and staying through Sunday afternoon - and I am looking forward to a much needed break.

No one has called about the stray puppy - but we have two people interested in taking him home - he is a cute guy - but a whirling dirvish in the house.

Now I am off to fold laundry...

a Blast from the Past

Sometimes we make an indelible mark on another person's heart. A very long time ago I actually had a good boyfriend. He had a beautiful voice and a kind heart and was genuinely good to me. He took me to my junior prom- and we had a blast. I used to go to his family place by the lake to collect my thoughts in college - though retrospectively, I probably should have gone more often because I didn't do so hot in college. Somehow things got muddled and it didn't work out, though a couple of times over the years I talked to his folks to see how he was doing. He has always held a special place in my heart because even when things were not great between us, he remained a gentleman. I haven't talked to him since I got pregnant with Bear.

He called my dad a couple of days ago and got my e-mail address just because I was on his mind - how sweet is that?. I got pictures of him and pictures of his kids. Time has been much kinder to him than me, but living happily has it's perks. Same lineman build, same piercing blue eyes - that looking at the picture reminds me that Jake's are almost the same color. It is so wonderful to get to catch up - and even nicer to be able to say that I am happily married and things are finally going so well.

Isn't it just lovely when you get to see old friends...

Opinion Poll

Here are the facts:
Bears father was court ordered to pay me $32 a week in child support, back in 1988.
I have never requested an increase in this amount, even though every year the prosecutor's office allows me to do that.
He has only paid towards this debt when the courts seized his tax check
He has not provided one minute of child care, never come to visit, never sent a birthday or Christmas card.

He owes me close to 30,000 in back support - 17 years times $32 per week.
The prosecutor sent me a letter asking if I woudl accept a lump payment of $15,000 to pay off the debt.

More opinionated facts: I don't think he can get a loan for 15 grand to start with, and I know he is gainfuly employed because they are sending me his tax refund.

So here is the poll - what would you do? Take the settlement - demand more money - take him back to court - something else? Leave me a comment, please.

Jonathan Micah Kelly

Just typing his name makes me miss him. Of course he is not a little boy anymore, but I still picture his sweet cherubic face, dancing with the Tigger song in my kitchen in Bloomington.

I wanted to be a mom from forever - and when I got married at twenty, and Joe had a two year old son, I was delighted. Jonathan had young parents, and from the time I married into his family, I wanted to be his mom. I remember that even though I knew it was time to leave, there was a long time I just couldn't, because I didn't want to leave him. I really struggled with that and put up with a lot of nonsense from his dad because I loved that child so.

Last night I talked to his grandma, Adeline, Bear's other grandma, and she tells me he has grown into a handsome young man. He will be nearly 21 by now - and certainly not a child. She also tells me that she isn't sure he knows he has a sister - that the family was discouraged from ever talking about her(yea, that's a discussion for a later post).

Anyway, I wanted to say something - say I'm sorry I didn't hijack him and move away to Canada to live happily in hiding - sorry I couldn't be there for him - sorry I couldn't legally do more. I never wanted to keep Bear from him, never wanted to see him struggle, and yet because of the stories I heard, I am pretty sure he did struggle.

If by some miracle Jonathan would read this, please know that you are always welcome in my home, because you have always held a place in my heart - and an e-mail from you would be a gift beyond measure.

Maybe that is why I have to keep adopting strays - trying to mother all the time, because when you have lost one baby, it is nearly impossible to fill that crevice, but I just keep trying.

Addendum - Adeline, Jerra's paternal grandmother, sent along this picture taken last year, so I wanted to add it to my post.

Sorry Peyton

I was tired, Justin's muscles were sore, it was a long Monday and it was cold and rainy - so at 11 when I saw your game was still on, I barely even eyed the screen. And I missed watching the Colts go 11-0 by beating the Steelers. Way to go Mr. Manning.

One last Thanksgiving photo

I have put a bar over the face to help protect the identity of this random Thanksgiving participant.


Unfortunately the photo also reveals that I have a very yellow kitchen with an unbeleivable number of things strewn about...


Uh and his commentary as he caught me posting this , laughing like a hyena - "Mom you are so queer!"

Thanksgiving in Color

First, a picture of the fig bread, made with the bourbon figs I canned over the summer, and the pumpkin chocolate chip bread, made with a real roasted pumpkin - none of that canned stuff...mmmmm
















The pre-dinner appetizer tray ( Breads on the top , then ginger cookies, brownies, no bake oatmeal cookies, summer sausage, red grapes, cheddar cheese, Ritz crackers, carrots, deviled eggs and dry roasted peanuts) and the WONDERFUL roaster where the turkey was cookin up. Uh, yes mom, that is still my morning coffee there to the left - and as usual, it is unfinished...














Kitten Bob and Sheila - the clean up crew getting the last bits out of the roaster...

A year and a half of living dangerously

"To truly heal we must say our truth, and not only our regret and pain, but also what harm was caused, what anger, what disgust, and also what desire for self-punishment or vengeance was evoked in us."

From Women Who Run with the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Someone asked me why things were different with Justin - why after years of failed and sadly unhealthy relationships, this one worked. Two words - no bullshit. I wasn't trying to impress him when we met - he wasn't trying either. From the beginning of our conversations, we just talked about stuff - and other than a couple of things we didn't share until later on - we were pretty upfront about our baggage. When I knew that this was something unusual - knew that I was in love with him - I just said so, even though he didn't say it for A LONG TIME LATER (okay still a bit irritated about that, hee hee) I didn't need him to be a father to my kids, I didn't need a lover, I didn't need a financial backer, I just wanted a friend - and left myself open to the possibility that it might work out.

The thing that is the most different is that I tell him what I am thinking - and before I open my mouth, I try to see where I have gotten things tangled in my head - or what part I am playing in this particular drama. Step two is trying to figure out where the he is coming from. Most things people do are not motivated by other people, so usually something that ticks me off is merely oversight - rather than intentionally trying to incur my wrath! There is little finger-pointing and a lot of personal responsibility - because it takes two people to make a marriage fail. We are both good at seeing, retrospectively of course, when we have been an ass.

You can only change yourself - and people will treat you as you allow them to treat you. Boundaries shift within a family and from time to time, I have to re-establish that I am not the maid and chief cook and bottle washer - but instead half of the governing body in the house. Though more with the kids than with the husband.

A lot of the time, there are things that I really am afraid to share - as though bringing up these demons will make them real instead of just figments of my imagination. I worry a lot about being a pain, being fat and being left again. I force myself to talk about these - also a BIG shift. I always thought before that if I talked about them, he would see what a putz I am and think he made a mistake ( see it is only an irrational fear if it never happened before). But instead, what has happened is that he can see who I really am - he can see my frailties and what I am afraid of - and that helps him avoid placing landmines in my path.

I used to hold everything in and just take it on the chin until I felt like I would pop (not wanting to be a pain) - then I would blow up and the poor object of my displeasure recieved a lot of bad karma all at once. He called me on that and it was about time that someone did. Not a nice way to behave. Now, maybe it is age or experience, I am finding it is much easier to talk about things when they are little problems instead of waiting for an atom bomb to go off. Nothing is outside the bounds of human forgiveness. Nothing.

Anyway, I am rambling, and I don't want this to sound like I have all the answers. I struggle - I read everything I can get my hands on about how to be a better person. I read other people who I think have it together, try to learn from them, and sometimes actually do. Each day I make a conscious decision to try to be a good wife, a good daughter, a good mom - and some days I am lucky enough to succeed - other days, not so much.

So now it has been nearly 18 months since I met Justin - since my life changed and his did too. It has been well worth the risk.

Clarity while washing dishes

I have struggled over the past couple of weeks to figure out exactly what my problem was - I had all the physical symptoms from being overstressed - and even 12 years of nursing expereince was not enough to save me from myself so to speak.

No I want to preface this by saying that Justin didn't do anything wrong - and that things are okay in paradise this morning - but yesterday - well, that was another matter.

I figured out that little things he was doing were causing a disproportionate reaction - and they were really getting under my skin.

Washing the dishes while he slept and the boys were busy with video games, I realized what had happened.

I have been left before.

And not just once unfortunately - and the fear of being left again is a demon that haunts me.

The little things, like still having the other house and seperate bank accounts, and a dozen little things were all adding up in my mind that once again someone had found that loveing me was just too much trouble. And it smacked me like a load of bricks standing at the sink. All of those feelings like something was wrong, all centered around this one thing. It took me about five hours of crying and trying to sleep and then trying to talk myself out of it before I could say anything to Justin. As though not talking about it kept it unreal - but my emotions were very real, and the best way to vanquish demons is to put them into the light.

Suffice it to say, this came out of left field to him - he had never entertained the idea, but after some discussion, could see where I was getting things tangled. I was picking up cues, but rather than being an escape plan, the things that were bothering me were just kinks in blending a man who has lived alone for 11 years as adult - and a woman who hasn't lived alone since I was 20 - actually, hasn't ever lived alone- I went from my folks to a dorm, to roommates to a husband - then there were always kids. My perspective is colored and sometimes I forget that - and I should know better but perfection eludes me, and I still get this messed up in my head, making me quite the unpleasant person to live with.

I tell my kids to be careful with the hearts of people they Date - because even if that girl isn't going to be your wife, she will be someones and you don't want her heart to carry scars from you into her marriage. And you hope that someone else, who is dating your future wife right now, is taking the same care with her.

Things I am Thankful for

A husband who actually loves me back
My folks
My dad in remission from cancer
My mom being brave enough to consider adoption in the first place
Memories of thanksgiving in Kansas City
Bear - each and every day she astounds me and I cannot express how amazed I am at how fantastic she is
Josh- his quick wit, his soft heart, his ability to surprise even himself, he brings me great joy especially when he says : mom, you gotta come look at this on the screen
Jake - his huge tender heart and that he comes to hug me almost knocking me over every day when I get home
Lora - my girl who always comes through when I need her - we have been friends since before Josh was born and she is one of the best things that ever happened to me.
My inlaws, who are mostly fun to be with and who like me - thank goodness
Steph - my buddy - and now sleepy new momma. A friend who always has time for me - ( and also that I get to come see her in two weeks!!!! woohoo!)
Alison - though I don't know where things are with us anymore, she was my friend through a lot of rough times and I miss her
Tammy - who has made me get out of the house to do something for myself at least once a week Shirsten - my sister in law - who amazingly is also a girl I would have picked as a friend anyway
My daily reads, through the writings of John, Maggie, Chris, Taza, Dora, Marc, Dale, Jeanna, Ian, Jerra and Justin, I have learned about life, and loving and growing. It has meant a lot getting to know you all and I am so thankful that Justin talked me into starting a blog.
to keep this short, I am truncating the list of friends here
Also thankful that God has remained faithful to me, picking up the load for me when I cannot carry it anymore - and never forsaking me - even when I deserved it.

uh... important note to self

If you are going to be nice to your family by making chicken noodle soup and leaving it on the stove, you should turn the heat down to LOW before you leave for work.

PS - and review with Jake what to do - other than run - when the house is filled with smoke.


Addendum - say another prayer of thanks that only the pan was burned.

Thanksgiving

First, I am thankful for last night - an evening with no football where we actually had dinner before 8pm. I am not too thrilled about the huge drop in temperature - or the whipping winds which kept my feet feeling cold for hours - but I had a roof over my head, so what could I complain about.

Now on to the menu:
During football:
Hotwings and celery and baby carrots
Bleu cheese dressing
Cracked pepper crackers with summer sausage and cheddar cheese
Green and purple grapes

Dinner to die for....
spinach salad
cream of broccoli soup
Roast turkey with butter and fresh sage
Cornbread stuffing
Pear chutney
Green bean casserole
Sweet potatoes with brown sugar and pecans
Homemade dinner rolls
my mom's ( and Grandpa Loner's recipe) brown bread
pistachio pineapple salad
Pumpkin pie with toasted pecan crust
There is the possibility of lemon poppyseed bread, fig cake, gingerbread and chocolate chip cookies... but we will see how much cooking gets done on Wednesday when the kids are home.

Also I am thankful for my friends and family who have continued to pray that Justin would find a good job - there are at least two possibilities that did not exist yesterday morning when I was feeling the weight of the world. Funny how the moment I turn things over to God because I just can't carry it anymore - He comes through and does a much better job of carrying things.

Cold Rain

It started raining last night. I rushed out to the pens to make sure the bucklings were covered from the storm - and found Fred and George huddled under the stairs, trying - and failing to stay dry. I managed to corral them into the pet carrier - despite their efforts at dragging me through mud and all kids of brush - which again tore my hands up. This morning found them warm and dry - though a little befuddled about why they had slept in a maroon box all night.

I couldn't find John at first, and eventually found him sleeping between Paul and Sheba - safe and warm and dry. I wandered back inside - the rain had soaked through my field jacket - my hair was dripping - and even a hot shower didn't make it any better.

I felt chilled - as I have for several days. My temperature seems to keep spiking and according to my lab work, there is nothing wrong. Which means that most of these symptoms must be a shot immune system - probably from stress. I don't know what is wrong - but I feel like it looks outside- like a cold rain just keeps pouring over me - and I can't get warm - and I can't get dry - and I can't get comfortable enough to sleep.

My instincts know that something is wrong.....

Broncos rock

As of last night at 11:00 my son is a part of the championship team. They went 13-0 this season - not too shabby. The game was supposed to start at 7:30, but at 7:30 the game before us wasn't even at halftime yet - so I have no idea what time we started, but at 11:45 we were meandering back to our car.

It was a good game, the other team was also undefeated, but we beat them soundly, outscoring them by two touchdowns. I haven't' cheered this hard since Cathedral won the state championships when I was in high school.

Josh made the comment that he only got in one play last night - that it didn't really feel like he helped win the game. But - he missed most of the season last year - and this year more than half of the boys did weight training over the summer, but he didn't because we had him signed up in the wrong league. It is hard to be fourteen - and even though he didn't score the winning points like he did when he played back in Indiana -he was on the "A" team - his first year in the league - and they certainly aren't a bunch of schmucks - for a kid who transferred in and didn't spend the summer bulking up - he went really far on talent alone.

And to borrow his quote - if you are perfect then you don't have a goal to work toward. By next season he will be filled out, and his muscles will start to bulk up and I think he will be a real contender for a starting position... but time will tell. So this morning, we'll just bask in the victory.

new boys

John











Fred and George

Stace and George

Life, Death, and Resurrection

Last night we went to Rusty's to pick up our baby goats. We picked out three to replace the three we lost - though 5 weeks had changed their coats a bit, they were perfect. We picked out a sandy colored one who looked like Norbert - though when we got him last night, his coat had grown more pale and he looked much more like the other two boys we lost. I held him in my arms on the way home, filled with both joy and sorrow. We finally decided to name him John (yet another Beatle) after we saw the twins in action.

The twins are black in the front and reddish brown in the back - knowing Justin we will have pictures this afternoon. Originally they were to be john and George, however, after seeing them dodge the other goats and sneak through the fence and the wiggle all over the place - full of ornery personality - we decided they were the Weasley brothers - more so than the Beatles - So we have the twins Fred and George - hopping and climbing everything in site.

When we came home, Ringo had escaped from the pen - per usual. Only this time, it was cold - about 30 degrees - and Matilda our Big Kelpie ( thanks for that Ian) had decided he needed cleaning well because he smells like goat. This left him wet and cold on the grass - where I found him in the dark - bleating weakly. I picked him up and his eyes rolled. And all I could think is Please God, not another sick baby.

I brought him in, and handed him to Justin - he wouldn't take the milk bottle. We wrapped him in a towel and gave him to Jake to hold - he wasn't warming fast enough. Three hours, one heat lamp, a dose of Nutradrench, three microwaved towels, and a twice microwaved hot pack later - he started to perk up - and drank nearly the whole bottle of milk when I offered it to him. The goat sweater is going back on today - too cold out for a guy with no fur. I am sure the other goats will harass him - but at this point - it will be worth it not to have a nearly dead baby when I come home. I could pretty much do without that for the rest of my life.

I went out twice last night to check on the other goats, making sure they slept in between the warm straw bales I set up for them - they are pretty smart and decided to lay in a big pile of goats, all tucked in together. I dreamed again - but this time I dreamed I was dying and my dad had to give me shots and I apologized saying that no parent should have to bury their child and that I was sorry to put him through this. I woke up sobbing. Though the characters were different that was exactly how it felt when we lost Bubba and Little Bit - not something a person should have to do and yet it happened and thinking about it still makes me so very sad. I scooted over to Justin, laying my head on his shoulder until his warmth made me fall back to sleep.

But morning came at 6:45 - and on check number three for the goats I found them hopping over the straw bales looking for chow.

The Ridge feels complete - and this morning I realize that I finally have the life I have always dreamed of - and it only took me forty years to get there.

Happy Birthday, Ian!!!

Today, well - tomorrow here, today there already - is Ian's birthday - swing over and wish him happy Birthday!

Bird Flu Strikes the US ( compliments of my dad)

d'ja ever have one of those nights?

I ended up at the doctor's office yesterday evening - not my favorite thing, though I really like the doc.

I have assaulted my body over the past month, and between worrying about bills and Justin finding a job and worrying about the kids, the loss of our two baby goats and the five stitches in my finger, there have been a lot of negative stressors. Then there were good ones - my folks came to visit - there is the arrival of new goats, and three more to be added tomorrow - the addition of Sheila and both teenagers with a healthy relationship with a member of the opposite sex, football continuing to the championship and a number of projects now completed in the yard.

The upshot of this dissertation being that I think I have worn myself out. I went in last night because my blood pressure is up, I am tired and I have had this temperature for about five days. We did more blood work on top of what the GYN did and hopefully I'll find out what is going on when it comes bak today. I don't do being sick well - and frankly, I've had enough. I am achy - so before bed I took my cranberry juice with a bit of medicinal vodka.

About five this morning I started to dream. I drove to YoJ's place - but the yard had about a dozen boys in it - climbing trees, riding bikes, it looked like a playground out of a movie. There was one boy with a bunny in a harness hooked up to a fishing pole - I think that was from the vodka. I went inside and she was making breakfast - luckily for me it was cheesecake for breakfast - so now she is about my favorite person on the planet. Anyway we walked around talking to all the kids which for some reason were hers. I can remember vaguely talking to her husband who ironically thought I was up to something - right then kitten Bob came sprinting down the hallway and his bell woke me up.

I love it when I sleep well enough to have vivid dreams. I keep trying to plan a weekend away to sneak up and hang out with my girl YoJ, but football keeps getting in the way - eventually, though. So thanks to a bit of medicine, I got to visit YoJ anyway - and now I know that she makes a mean cheesecake.... or perhaps I just dreamed it up.

The girl loves shoes

Matilda - our wondrous Australian Shepherd needs a buddy - badly - she is bored and keeps chewing everything in the yard but the rawhides - which she promptly buries.

So this weekend, we heard back from a gal at the Aussie rescue - she had pups that were ready for adoption.

So we drove over and looked. I like black and white dogs - most of ours have been black and white or some mutation of gray - Bob, Scout and Matilda especially. She is mahogany - but what a looker!

young love

Isn't love wonderful?

My son has a girlfriend - and considering the usual amount of drama in middle school, finding someone you just like is tough.

So from Friday's football game - using the new camera phone- here they are.
Yea, I know he needs a haircut.

Vetrans Day

Okay - apparently it wasn't 'nuff

This is Josh - earwax boy - who is in desperate need of YoJ's brothers scissors in that hair.

This was taken at Friday night's high school game - at the field where he played on Saturday - I hijacked the picture from his friend Amanda - it was such a cute shot.

'Nuff Said

Dear Peyton,

Thank you once again for an evening of pure delight - and thank you for FINALLY beating the Patriots in Foxboro!

Scenes from The Ridge

A very happy Jake on his birthday. The swag came from Uncle Jim who is the epitome of birthday shoppers.














Sheba and Paul sharing a dish by moonlight.















Fawn and white runner; Cumberland Blue runner; black Runner; chocolate runner - one of each in this picture which makes it pretty unusual.










My handsome son, Earwax Boy - first thing in the morning - yep that is all his hair - and unfortunatly it looks great on him!!!

Southfield, Michigan 1966

My dad played football at the University of Detroit, back when they still had a football program. He and my mom lived in Michigan for a few years after graduation - and I still have the orange and black vase that was in those pictures of the house there from the '60s. I worked for a company doing HazMat consulting in the early 90's - and each time I drove through Southfield, there was a bit of emptiness. I visited St. Charles where I was baptized.

As I was checking stat counter - which I do only occasionally now - I saw that someone from Southfield Michigan visited my site. It always makes me wonder - if someone who knows my birthmother sees some commonality - as I am told there usually is - and ends up here. She would be about 58, and the eldest of 8 kids, the youngest of whom is a boy about three years older than I am - or so the "non-identifying information" from Catholic Charities said.

I always wondered what happened to her - if she married someone she was madly in love with - if she was happy with her life and if she knew that I was happy. I think in some ways she must be built like me - though I have a hard time letting people go out of my life, I don't like being a burden - this being the primary reason for never searching her out. The potential for life-disruption is very high for her - everyone around me knows I am adopted, and I cannot see where it would cause an issue here ( unless of course she needed money, and I don't have any , but I have some lovely ducks).

So if you know her - or you think you do - you are welcome to send me a note - I am chronically late in getting information updated, and I think the last time I updated the adoption database was about 8 years ago. Yea, I'm a slacker, I know.

Just messing with you

A guy painted his bathroom floor thinking it would be pretty funny when people used the bathroom after they had been drinking.









I have now planned my revenge for the accidental ingestion of the contents of a spit cup. Mwah ha ha ha

Don't mess with my cubs

Typically I am a peaceful woman, I have my moments - and the closer I get to forty, the more I am finding I have some hormonal moments sneaking in - but usually I am pretty mild. After living through an abusive situation, the kids and I tend to try to avoid confrontation and walk away from fights.

I found out yesterday that some child has continued to harass Jake, trying to "jump him" at a football game. This child has been warned, Jake has walked away - and now I have to give my son permission to hit this kid - we reveiwed over dinner how to punch someone squarely in teh nose, find an adult and end the bullying. Unfortunatly, this boy has a brother on Josh's football team, so he is at every game. It is my hope to talk to his folks at the game next week - unless I canfigure out who they are before then, but sometimes things have to eb settled without the parents.

Joshua's new love interest has an exboyfriend - whose friends tried to start a fight with him at Friday nights playoff game. He is old enough and has enough friends, that I think he can work it out - but if it keeps up, I am not above calling that kids parents either. I had been dropping him off at the game to meet his buddies - but no more - next weekend I'm tagging along and keeping an eye on him - and this exboyfriend. It is a mom-job.

Kids are weird these days - and things we never would have thought of doing - like fighing with weapons -are done in this day and age.

Really , as I write this I think - these boys don't know what kind of trouble they are bringing upon themselves - it takes a long time to ignite my temper - but if you mess with my cubs, things will not go well for you.

One Person can Make a Difference

Here is a story from CNN about the woman was brutally raped on orders of the village council as punishment for her brother. Her statements have an extraordinary amount of strength. She said that no matter what, a woman must speak up - must fight back and stay strong.

She was woman of the year, according to Glamour - a magazine she had never heard of.

She sued the government, and took the money to build a school. She is using the money from Glamour to build a women's shelter - in a place where they certainly need one.

Little studio filled with women
Wooden floor cool on my feet
and me in my tie-dyed T-shirt

The rhythmic music feels alive
Pulsing warm through my ears
Strangely familiar and intoxicating

She says that every woman
Has a dance inside her, somewhere
I genuinely believe her

My hips seem to forget
they have born children
they have marks and scars

My arms remember to alight
From sessions of ballet
For a big girl to be graceful

My feet take a minute
Trying to find comfort
then realizing this is restful

My shoulders start to burn
As my arms are held outward
Moving in the dance

The mirrors are harsh
As they always are
And I catch my reflection

Oddly I see a woman
Lots of women in the mirror
All trying to release their bodies

Into the joyful bliss
of moving freely, sensually
with the lilting song in the air

My body seems to follow
the waves of their bodies
swaying effortlessly, fluidly

She asks us to bring a scarf
To accentuate the hips
That I have long been trying to hide

And inside I smiled
This may have been
The medicine my soul needed.

Love has a mind of its own

Sometimes love comes at a time and a place we don't expect it. Rarely does it come in the package we expect - my husband has a penchant for tiny Asian women- I am a tall ( 5'10") definitely not tiny - or Asian. I have a thing for linemen and wide receivers - 6'2" - 6'5" you know, tall broad shouldered - and the love of my life - he is about 2 inches taller than me on a good day -and a soccer player.

My parents were born 14 days apart - baptized at the same church, same grade school through high school. They knew each other forever and have been married for 46 years.

I have an uncle by marriage who was astounded when he found my aunt, saying he was fat, forty and had four kids - and thought love had passed him by. Five years later, they are happy as clams.

My grandmother found my grandfather, and Irish Catholic, and risked being disowned by her father, a Scottish Protestant Stewart. But love called and nine kids and a lot of living later, they passed away just weeks from one another.

I have been privvy to a couple of really fantastic people who are newly in love - sometimes you luck out reading blogs and chance upon people who you genuinely like and think of as family, even though you've never been in the same room. Magz and her sister Taza are like that for me( okay you all know they aren't the only ones - but this part is about Taza!). I wanted to share something written by Farmer Chris - because each time I read it, well it just about makes my heart pop with joy for them.... and helps me to remember what a blessing and a rarity true love is.

My girl Steph and her girl Garnet

Garnet was born two days ago - it was a tough trip for mom and baby. Her mom is VERY brave - and it seems Garnet has had to show her strength of character early on, spending a bit of time in the NICU and having to use a bottle instead of breastfeeding. Sweet little moppet. Here is a picture- and I'm booking a flight to come see them as soon as football is over!!!

HELP!

Would someone please quit their current job and create Garanimals for grown ups because I am tired of wearing black. I cannot tell if the shades of brown or green or blue go together. (I do know about navy and black/ brown and black, Betty, my mother was a Barbazon model, so I have been educated, just missed out on those genetics) I came to work twice in the last week in clothes that did not match, causing Bear to roll her eyes and say "Mama, I should have looked at you before you went to work" Great - I am going to be known for my brains, charm and complete lack of ability to dress myself. GRRRRR.

Ode to Jacob, my favorite Jacob in the world

The seizures started when he was still just a baby. The very first time, I didn't know what had happened. He was sitting on the couch and all of a sudden he looked at me, panic stricken , an rolled off the couch. His lips were blue, eyes rolled back in his head and his little Michelin-man arms were flexed close to his body. He started to breathe again, but it seemed to take forever. When we got to the emergency room, the doctor told me I was mistaken, that it was not a seizure and that I was overreacting. He looked fine - so I thought perhaps I was mistaken, after all Psych nursing was my specialty, not neurology.

By the time he turned two, we were preparing to move to our new home, my first real home, complete with fireplace and hardwood floors. The first event was long forgotten, until the boys were chasing one another across the floor and he looked up at me again with those big blue eyes, panic stricken. ONly this time I knew what was happening. He fell to the floor like a dead weight, face turning blue. I held him in my arms and did rescue breathing until he started breathing on his own. Jerra called the paramedics, and by the time they got to the house he was post-ictal, disoriented but cheerful.

This began the path of a hundred trips to Riley Hospital in Indianapolis, and EEGs, Cat Scans, MRIs,EKGs, neurology clinics and lots of questions. I held his little arms countless times as they tried to find his little veins to do more bloodwork. They could not figure out what was wrong with him -there was always the sense that they thought I was making it up for attention. As a single mom with three kids, I had plenty of stress, I didn't need any more attention.

The tides changed when we went for yet another CAT scan to recheck. The radiologist, whose name I still don't know to this day mentioned that when the seizures had stopped, I should see and ENT doctor to get the nasal polyps removed from his nose. He asked if Jake snored, he did. Ever since the seizure started, I had put him in bed with me so that I could wake up and check him periodically throughout the night.

Six months later I took him to see the ENT who removed Bear's tonsils. He took one look up Jake's nose and said " Oh my gosh, take a look!" I looked and there was what looked like a large red grape inside his right nostril. Another CAT scan later, I got the call from the ENT doctor:

"I just got off the phone with the neurosurgeon, your son will have surgery as soon as possible"

Obviously there is more to the story, but Jacob endured 52 stitches and six hours of brain surgery to correct a hole in the sphenoid bone that left brain tissue in his sinuses. He has some atrophy in his frontal lobe as a result of the surgery. He has to take seizure and ADHD medicine every day. He never complains.

More importantly, he is one of those souls who doesn't know a stranger, he loves everyone and fears very little. He has a soft heart and cannot understand it when someone is mean to him because that is so very foreign to his nature. He always kisses me hello, he likes to hold my hand, he is kind to people - hugging folks and making them feel genuinely welcome. He is a blessing each and every day - even when I have to remind him fifteen times to do something. He is a hard worker and someday will make some woman a great husband because he is a kind soul and those are few and far between in this world.

So for the blessing of this child, to a mother who is hardly worthy of such a blessing, I thank you, Lord. He brings me joy and shows me Your love every day.

Just joyful

Here are our cute new baby ducks - they are straight run, so no idea if they are boys or girls. They are from the same bloodlines as the ones we lost in June, the two with the cream colored chests look very much like the others. They are healthy and Matilda didn't bother them much. I am hoping that they will warm up to us over the next couple of weeks, they are skittish which is one of the disadvantages of getting them at a month old instead of days old.

I took a picture of this tree - anyone have any idea if it is some kind of cherry tree? Choke cherry maybe. I took this picture just a day or two ago. I am sending a copy to the DNR to see if they can help - but these are all over the yard and the berries have not turned anything but green, nor have they changed in size. Cannot positively identify it from my Peterson's guide and if it is a cherry - I'll have to cut them down because the leaves might be poisonous to our goats.

November First

Happy All Saints Day!!!

Happy Birthday to my favorite Jacob!!!! He's 11 today and I will post a list of things I adore about him, but for now, I have to get back to work.

Also Happy Birthday to my new niece - Garnet Shundiin Waldrop, daughter of my friends whose wedding brough Justin and I together, born last night about 2 am - and already establishing that if she wants to show up at 2, that is what she will do. Strong spirit like her mom. Congratulations Mark and Steph!!!

Goat in a Sweater

Five Stitches

It was a weird day yesterday -
I got my feelings hurt by a text message - and unfortunately it tainted most of my afternoon.

I got paid and then went to H*me Dep*t to get replacement boards for the bridge and insulation for the attic above the bedroom ( there is NO insulation up there now - just the ceiling panels and then the roof and it is a bit chilly to be without insulation). I had already stopped to get wheat straw bales that I use to line the outside of the dog pen for the winter - good insulation and wind break for them - and for $20 I can also reuse it in my garden next year.

Got home and emptied things out of the van with the ever-helpful Jake - then took Josh over to football practice and went to W*&mart to get Jakes birthday present - it is cool - but I can't post until next Wednesday because none of us can keep a secret more than about a minute.

Well, the evening was winding down - Jacob had to do a biome project - and was busy loading Shrek cupcake liners to substitute as grass. Right about then Ringo woke up and I took him outside. It was brisk and I spent a few minutes petting Matilda until she rolled over on her bag, lolling out her tongue. Went inside and microwaved the milk for Ringo while he rounded about my feet trying to climb up my leg to get to the milk.

When I took the cup out of the microwave, something went wrong and the next ting I knew I had that sensation that I was about to have stitches in my finger. The handle on the cup broke off and sliced my pinkie finger about three inches down. Stupid Chaco Canyon cup.

The frenzy that ensued as I tried to talk everyone out of taking me to the ER, the rounding put of the goat and kitten and bringing the dogs in and getting the boys hurriedly to bed was something straight from keystone Cops - the endorphins working in my system and the finger numb we tried to regain control.

I am now the proud owner of five black stitches and about a pound of gauze wrap on my right hand.

The good news is that I am off DISH DUTY for the next ten days - the ER got me in and stitched including an X-Ray in about 2 hours and with the exception of one poopy nurse, everyone else was fabulous. Made me proud to work here.

For the record there are no pictures because I went to the ER with NO makeup ( it was 10:30 after all) dirty farm jeans and a sweater that was splashed by Coke Zero just moments before I left the house. Not a photo op by any stretch. I googled pictures - but they grossed me out, so I'll save you that pain.

Hope a restful weekend is in store for you and me BOTH!

For Burb... and every other person who has to use a public potty during the day

Bathroom Rules: ( not suggestions, RULES)

1. Do not speak to other people who are trying to use the restroom
2. If you came to do Number 2, try to find another restroom that has only one toilet
3. Put paper down on the seat - trust me, you want to
4. If you hear a funny noise, don't laugh, instead pretend like you didn't hear anything
5. Pick up any paper you dropped on the floor and put it in the toilet
6. Flush the toilet when you are done - using your foot is best
7. Wash your hands - use the paper towel to turn off the faucet
8. If someone was making funny noises, turn the water all the way up to drown out the noise
9. Do not start a conversation with others washing thier hands, smile politely
10. Use a paper towel to open the door to the restroom - DO NOT touch the handle


Burb and YoJ have both posted about people who talk to them while in the restroom - don't these people have parents? It is hard enough to pee in a room with a stranger - or a co worker, let alone pee while having a conversation. (Mothers of multiple children are exempt from this altruism, we are used to a crowded room when we try to pee).

Liberty's Miracle...

Last weekend, my girl, Lora, called me. She has been without internet access for a bit, so she didn't know the story yet about how we lost the boys.

She called because her foal, Liberty, who was about 18 months, had contracted West Nile Virus. It was heartbreaking - and the vet bills were mounting. She was so sad about her baby being sick - and having to stand there and watch it. The poor foal was so weak she could not stand - but she was rolling across the field to get to more grazing area. Lora recounted how she couldn't really do anything but stand there and speak soothingly with tears down her face. She didn't expect the foal to live, but asked if we could say a prayer. We did.

Sunday morning she went out - and her foal was up walking around, still a bit weak, but there was a definite transformation. The vet told her he had only heard of one other horse getting West Nile and living through it - and that is was nothing short of a miracle.

So for all those moments when I wonder if He is paying attention - if He hears me at all - there are moments like this - where you know that something happened which defied logic and science and can only be explained by divine intervention.

Being a Farmer

I went to a private school in Indianapolis - where most of the kids whose parents owned banks - or huge construction firms - or had houses next to the Pacers and Colts went to school. It was suburban... but there was always a part of me that liked the dirt - putting my hands in and watching things grow. We had a bitty garden growing up where Mom planted carrots and radishes and some tomatoes. ( I digress and say that I put up the tomatoes you brought me, Mom, and they made a lovely aromatic sauce - nothing beats homemade tomato sauce)

I am a Gemini - and though I don't put a lot of credence in astrology - I definitely have two personas inside - the well educated, well bred one that likes fine jewelry and nice things and is madly in love with every advertisement from Coldwater Creek...and the other one, the Earth Mother who went to Kroger with wet hair braided in cargo shorts and a tie dye shirt Sunday afternoon to pick up groceries and wheat straw. The dichotomy is tough to reconcile - as I sit in my silk shirt and heels, checking my dark pink nails to make sure the polish isn't chipped from feeding and watering the ducks last night before I go into a patient room.

I found Yahoo! Groups of late - and joined one for Wholisic goats (natural therapies) and also one for Organic Homestead Farmers. I have learned a lot and am finding definition for who/what category I fit in. In reading the posts, I guess that is what we are, homestead farmers. I have a "goat garden" - for cold weather there are cabbages, turnips, chives, parsley and some spinach planted to help feed them through the winter. Rabbits to provide fertilizer ( and cuteness) to the garden, goats to help tame the weeds and maybe provide milk, ducks for tick and mosquito control - and eggs in a month or so, Kitten Bob who will help with those water bugs and the mice in the attic, and Matilda (who has decided the baby goat, Ringo, is her baby as evidenced by breaking into his pen yesterday to lick him nearly to death) yes, Matilda who has shown her Australian Shepherd genes by beign able to birng escaped goats back to us without ever showing a fang.

The picture up above is Navajo - mother earth and father sky- my friends gave me this sandpainting when I left the reservation... maybe they knew already who and what I was. It hangs in our bedroom.

Funny that it is not the life in envisioned back in college - or high school - or even ten years ago.

But it is a good life, and a healthy life and on most days it just doesn't get any better. The weather is winter now, so tonight we are cooking up brats - beer and smoked - and some brown rice pasta slathered in butter and olive oil...maybe some cauliflower and broccoli - finished off with an apple pear crisp...

Yep, it's a good life.

Ill Winds

I got a call from my folks last night, seems that while they were on vacation the police came looking for me at their house.

Now I will readily admit that while the Ogre was interfering with my life, there were two - count em two warrants for my arrest - both for failure to appear in court. The first one was for a check that bounced when he cleared out my accounts - I paid it - but it was still turned into the prosecutors office - when they sent me a letter - the Ogre kept it -hoping I would get arrested. Luckily I found out about it and took care of it .

The other one I found out about on a moving day when the police came and arrested me. There had been a judgment against me on a bill left over form the 90's when Jake had brain surgery - something I didn't even know about. When I didn't show up at court ( again the notice being sent to the Ogre) they issued a warrant. Trying to stay within the law, I had stopped by the Sheriff's office to file a complaint that the Ogre kept violating the no-contact order - they came by to get me about a half hour later - and as usual, he didn't get arrested.

Given this bit of recent history, you can imagine that I am not in a hurry to see what the police are after. I did a little digging, though, and it looks like the little Japanese women that my daughter was in a wreck with are suing the Ogre and Bear. He wanted to make sure these papers got served (jerk) so they are trying to reach us through my folks.

I hate that they get tied up in this - I hate that I still feel like I have to hide may address and come upon things second or third-hand - instead of getting information right from the source.

Most of all, I HATE that the Ogre gets to stay in Lafayette, doesn't get arrested when he breaks the law, and seems to always have some advantage when it comes to the legal system. Most of all on the HATE list is that he just won't go away - time goes by but thoughts of him - or dealing with him, or threats of him continue to seep into my life.

When my mom called me last night - I also checked the obituary pages, hoping against hope that finally he was gone and my nightmare was over...

Wouldntcha like to be a Loner, too....

Here is the test.

Apparently I am 55% Loner - weird

"You're a happy medium on the loner scale. You enjoy socializing, but you also have your moods when you'd rather be alone. Social interaction is important for forming human bonds, getting support and affirming your own personal identity. (As Charles Augustin Sainte-Beauve said, "Tell me who admires and loves you, and I will tell you who you are.") But it's equally important to do things for yourself, have time to reflect and explore the world in your own way. In fact, doing things on your own makes you a stronger, more interesting person. Whether or not you consciously aspired to this state of harmony between independence and human bonding, you seem to have achieved it!"

I am off work tosay - get to goof off -since i am teaching on Saturday. Well relatively goof off - I have to move the animal pens today . Pictures to follow - since I also have to send the pictures to a rescue group here in town that has MORE ducks they want to send us! woo hoo!

Why we don't eat Venison

I saw this gem at Idgie's Place today, trying to catch up, and I reminded me... (cue the going back in time music)

When I was 21, Bear was just a baby and we lived on the outskirts of Bloomington in a house that was owned by Joe's parents. There was no central heat and half the time we couldn't' afford to pay the electricity bill, so we often cooked and heated the house with the wood stove.

Joe had been gone with his buddies for a couple of days. This was not unusual, and being a young wife I didn't know I was entitled to ask where he had been. Bear was in the swing in the kitchen and I was finishing up some dishes with my back to the door when he came in.

He said hello and I leaned down to wipe my hands on a dishtowel. Before I could turn around, there was a THUNK on the counter beside me. I looked over and there was the hind leg of a deer - fur and hoof intact - from hoof to hip.

He nonchalantly said they had been deer hunting and brought this back for me to clean, then walked into the other room to get a shower.

I went to a private Catholic high school in the suburbs. Meat comes under cellophane.

I did clean the leg, made stew and then froze the rest - but the smell lingered in my nostrils and to this day the smell of venison reminds me of the unpleasant task of butchering the leg for the first time.