Performed by U2 and B.B. King
I was a sailor, I was lost at sea
I was under the waves
Before love rescued me
I was a fighter, I could turn on a thread
Now I stand accused of the things I've said
Love comes to town I'm gonna jump that train
When love comes to town I'm gonna catch that flame
Maybe I was wrong to ever let you down
But I did what I did before love came to town
Heard this song on the radio today and coupled with a disturbing scene from Clerks I was thinking that there are a lot of things I would have passed on had I known there was a real person who would make my life this great. All I can do is let it go. I wonder how things might have been different, then realize that had there been a different path, I might not have ended up here. And here is starting to really feel like home.
I have told the kids over and over to be careful with the object of their affection because even if the girl or boy in question doesn't end up married them, the person very well may be someone's spouse. There are a lot of things that boyfriends/girlfriends say to one another before we know enough to be careful with teh fragile ego of another person. Causing as little mental trauma as possible is important - and I feel at times like I am living proof, struggling at nearly forty with ghosts of things that were said and expectations placed nearly 20 years ago. I look at my son who is 13 - the same age I was when I started dating - and I think "HOLY CRAP" I kad no business leaving the house - let alone dating!!!
I have been blessed with a patient man who has a big heart. What more could a woman want?
Friday, November 12, 2004
On Kerry's T shirt which said I spent 250 million to become president and all I got was this crappy t-shirt
She:I am sending you a copy of this picture titled T-shirt
He: The picture didn't come through on this one
She: I'll pull it up tonight when we get home - worth seeing
He: Your t-shirt? Sounds good to me
He: The picture didn't come through on this one
She: I'll pull it up tonight when we get home - worth seeing
He: Your t-shirt? Sounds good to me
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Multiple Choice
New Job
I started my job on Monday. Finally as I don't think I could take another week at home. The kitchen paint isn't done, but the need to be productive is so overwhelming that I was running out of things to fix. I decided that if I hadn't had that pressing need for income so that I could get things paid off - and make another run to Target, I could probably handle being home all day. I liked being here when the kids came home and being around to chat with Bear when she was home between classes.
I think I am going to like the new job, though today I was in the actual office for the first time, in the room next to where my new boss was. I overheard her talking to the nurse at the office where I'll be about some personnel problems and her comment was that I am blunt ( well, I am by my own admission) and that it will be good to infuse me into that office. That's a little scary, but a pretty great compliment.
License
Just wanted to vent and say that there is no excuse for it to take 5 weeks to confirm that a person has a professional license. It is online for Pete's sake! I can call in about 2 minutes with the correct information and bam - there is the verification. I am sure these people, like may other government workers are busy, but it cost me a month's insurance and four weeks pay.
Money
Well, I am experiencing proof that what you sow, you will also reap. I have been broke most of my adult life as a result of raising three kids on one income. Plus, I really don't fuss much about having cash - when the money is gone we wait until we make more - it is just money and there are so many people in this life which are more important. This would probably cause my father to scream - but he has seen it in practice, so at least it wouldn't be a surprise. Anyway, I was thinking on my drive home today that there have been a couple of windfalls when I had money to pay off bills and give to my friends who were in a spot - a thousand towards a wedding, a couple hundred for bills, and nearly another thousand on Christmas for kids who had lost their parents and money spent on traveling and taking care of family. Maybe there were other things - can't remember, don't really care about where the money went - only that I am truly thankful I was on the giving end at one time. I have spent a long time feeling like to ask for any help was problematic - to ask for money was the ultimate sin. I hardly knew how to respond, other than to be deeply thankful, when I was told not to worry about bearing all the financial burdens of my family - that financial help was being offered and I was expected to accept it gracefully. It is really odd to be on the receiving end, but for yet another act of kindness, another thing I can never repay, I wanted to express my thanks.
My hair is red and it is my own damn fault
I bought a box of hair color because I liked the results of the temporary color we did at Halloween. I thought I might like being a brunette, so I got the box. I have used this brand before, with no drama, only color I liked. Well, I took it upon myself to put the color on thinking that later in the evening Bear could apply the highlights. OOPS - it came out flaming burgundy - or mahogany - or whatever. It is a color I can definitely not pull off. SO last night Bear skipped the highlights - which by the way woudl have been pink - and added some brown so that my poor patients do not think they are getting dietary advice from a pudgy rock star.
I started my job on Monday. Finally as I don't think I could take another week at home. The kitchen paint isn't done, but the need to be productive is so overwhelming that I was running out of things to fix. I decided that if I hadn't had that pressing need for income so that I could get things paid off - and make another run to Target, I could probably handle being home all day. I liked being here when the kids came home and being around to chat with Bear when she was home between classes.
I think I am going to like the new job, though today I was in the actual office for the first time, in the room next to where my new boss was. I overheard her talking to the nurse at the office where I'll be about some personnel problems and her comment was that I am blunt ( well, I am by my own admission) and that it will be good to infuse me into that office. That's a little scary, but a pretty great compliment.
License
Just wanted to vent and say that there is no excuse for it to take 5 weeks to confirm that a person has a professional license. It is online for Pete's sake! I can call in about 2 minutes with the correct information and bam - there is the verification. I am sure these people, like may other government workers are busy, but it cost me a month's insurance and four weeks pay.
Money
Well, I am experiencing proof that what you sow, you will also reap. I have been broke most of my adult life as a result of raising three kids on one income. Plus, I really don't fuss much about having cash - when the money is gone we wait until we make more - it is just money and there are so many people in this life which are more important. This would probably cause my father to scream - but he has seen it in practice, so at least it wouldn't be a surprise. Anyway, I was thinking on my drive home today that there have been a couple of windfalls when I had money to pay off bills and give to my friends who were in a spot - a thousand towards a wedding, a couple hundred for bills, and nearly another thousand on Christmas for kids who had lost their parents and money spent on traveling and taking care of family. Maybe there were other things - can't remember, don't really care about where the money went - only that I am truly thankful I was on the giving end at one time. I have spent a long time feeling like to ask for any help was problematic - to ask for money was the ultimate sin. I hardly knew how to respond, other than to be deeply thankful, when I was told not to worry about bearing all the financial burdens of my family - that financial help was being offered and I was expected to accept it gracefully. It is really odd to be on the receiving end, but for yet another act of kindness, another thing I can never repay, I wanted to express my thanks.
My hair is red and it is my own damn fault
I bought a box of hair color because I liked the results of the temporary color we did at Halloween. I thought I might like being a brunette, so I got the box. I have used this brand before, with no drama, only color I liked. Well, I took it upon myself to put the color on thinking that later in the evening Bear could apply the highlights. OOPS - it came out flaming burgundy - or mahogany - or whatever. It is a color I can definitely not pull off. SO last night Bear skipped the highlights - which by the way woudl have been pink - and added some brown so that my poor patients do not think they are getting dietary advice from a pudgy rock star.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Finally
I have been struggling for the past six weeks waiting for some state verification for my new job - and finally everything has come through. I hope to start my new job tomorrow and then start the hunt for a permanent home.I am looking forward to planting my garden again and getting a new batch of ducks in a box.
God has been gracious - and even though I waited longer than I thought I should, it is better that I feel ready to start than starting when I am still feeling overwhelmed by all the other aspects of my life. So, another thing to celebrate, another step taken, another milestone reached in the effort to bloom where planted.
LOVE AND BASKETBALL
Two years ago, I signed my middle son up for basketball at the encouragement of one of the football coaches. It was the league from hell which overshadowed every evening with practice and every weekend for months with games that were hours away. This drama was complicated by a coach who butted heads with me time and time again becuase his cuastic comments were out of line and DEFINITELY not conducive to forging a love of the game.
So here we are in a new place, the kids have not found an abundance of friends, so I took them over to sign up for basketball. As happened in teh past, I was talked out of the first sign up with a lot of theatrics. However, the second one, we stayed for. Luckily, the director was at the sign up. A lovely white-haired man who looked me squarely in teh eye and held my hands as I was describing my concerns about signing the boys up again. He was charming, as so many people here are, and I think this will be a good opportunity to get the boys out of the house. Interstingly enough, right after sign up, Josh came home to tell me that a boy in his class is also signed up and he thinks now that it will be fun. It certianly does not make up for missing the end of football season - Bubba really got cheated because he has waited to play for two years - and his season was ripped away. But I am finding that God has a design and a plan and that so far, everything has worked out way better than I could have planned on my own. So the Saga of Basketball begins with tryouts in a couple weeks - and we'll see how it ends!
God has been gracious - and even though I waited longer than I thought I should, it is better that I feel ready to start than starting when I am still feeling overwhelmed by all the other aspects of my life. So, another thing to celebrate, another step taken, another milestone reached in the effort to bloom where planted.
LOVE AND BASKETBALL
Two years ago, I signed my middle son up for basketball at the encouragement of one of the football coaches. It was the league from hell which overshadowed every evening with practice and every weekend for months with games that were hours away. This drama was complicated by a coach who butted heads with me time and time again becuase his cuastic comments were out of line and DEFINITELY not conducive to forging a love of the game.
So here we are in a new place, the kids have not found an abundance of friends, so I took them over to sign up for basketball. As happened in teh past, I was talked out of the first sign up with a lot of theatrics. However, the second one, we stayed for. Luckily, the director was at the sign up. A lovely white-haired man who looked me squarely in teh eye and held my hands as I was describing my concerns about signing the boys up again. He was charming, as so many people here are, and I think this will be a good opportunity to get the boys out of the house. Interstingly enough, right after sign up, Josh came home to tell me that a boy in his class is also signed up and he thinks now that it will be fun. It certianly does not make up for missing the end of football season - Bubba really got cheated because he has waited to play for two years - and his season was ripped away. But I am finding that God has a design and a plan and that so far, everything has worked out way better than I could have planned on my own. So the Saga of Basketball begins with tryouts in a couple weeks - and we'll see how it ends!
Beauty School
It is probably my fault that my daughter has such an affinity for beauty school. As the daughter of a Barbazon model who by virtue of size and an ugly scar on my neck, never lived up to her modeling potential, I was fascinated by makeup and what a person could do to their appearance through the use of color. My hair has not stayed the same for more than about six months at a time.My most recent foray in color caused a skipped heart beat when he awoke to find a brunette.
In my younger days, before there were children to get ready every morning, it was not unusual for me to spend an hour in the bathroom with a makeup kit like a Hefty Bag. The current regimine can be accomplished in about 15 minutes, with makeup being applied as I drive to work. Definitely a more minimalistic approach.
A took a big step this week and not only let her color my hair much darker - which I like by the way, but I let her trim it. I am fussy about getting my hair cut because it grows back so slowly. It seems like the norm that my hair gets to a length I like and then I trim it only to find it too short again. She broke the pattern and did an excellent job of reshaping my hair (something that was desperately needed since I am starting a job) and leaving the length alone. I knew she was good, but this comfirmed it - the tuition will be worth it if I can finally get a good hair cut!!
In my younger days, before there were children to get ready every morning, it was not unusual for me to spend an hour in the bathroom with a makeup kit like a Hefty Bag. The current regimine can be accomplished in about 15 minutes, with makeup being applied as I drive to work. Definitely a more minimalistic approach.
A took a big step this week and not only let her color my hair much darker - which I like by the way, but I let her trim it. I am fussy about getting my hair cut because it grows back so slowly. It seems like the norm that my hair gets to a length I like and then I trim it only to find it too short again. She broke the pattern and did an excellent job of reshaping my hair (something that was desperately needed since I am starting a job) and leaving the length alone. I knew she was good, but this comfirmed it - the tuition will be worth it if I can finally get a good hair cut!!
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Letter to the Bane of my Existance
As of October 31st, you no longer have any valid reason to contact me. I no longer live in your house or under your sick, twisted tyranny. For the next two years, and hopefully longer, you may not contact me - it is a court order and every time you contact me, I will report it to the police. You may no longer call and leave messages that you love me. How dare you even utter the words - you don't dismiss a woman that you love by going on dates and signing up for internet dating services, you do not show love by telling her to have sex with you and then threatening divorce, you do not file for divorce and date other women saying it is a way to work on your marriage. Love never includes hitting your wife or her 11-year old son. You do not love me, nor have you ever. You may have loved the idea of posessing me, perhaps even loved having someone to take care of you, but it was never me that you loved. There were so many parts of me that you never even bothered to ask about or learn about. I take comfort in the fact that I never showed you the deeper aspects of myself, and those stayed protected from your assault. I have peace with the notion that the man you pretended to be - the man I fell in love with - was never real. Kind of like falling in love with a character in a movie and finding that it was just a shadow of the actor.
My children and I have a right to pursue freedom and happiness and we have chosen to take that path, even though it has come at great personal cost - my job that I love, my family, their schools. You have taken all of that from us with your threats of hurting us. But you cannot hurt us anymore. I am stronger now - months of being out from under your control have enabled me to see how twisted your thinking is - how we could never have been perfect enough for you. Frankly, I prefer honest and broken to your false vision of perfection.
Your deciet and your lies - but mostly your vicious tongue have left scars and nightmares in their wake. I don't know if I can ever forgive you for what you have done to my children. It may require more fortitude than my heart posesses. You have twisted the very words of Christ that you used to lure us in. You have used His words to damage a family who wanted nothing more than for you to be the father and husband you promised to be. You will have to answer to God for that, just as I will have to answer for my transgressions. Woe be unto him who leads one of these little ones to sin.
Mostly I want to say, be wary. I have tolerated what I must in the pursuit of peace. It is not the way of the world, but it is what my Savior requires, that even when it makes no sense to me, I am to treat you as one of His children and to honor the vow I made even when you didn't. That season is over, and a new one has begun. I will not seek revenge, I leave that to Him. I will say, though, that should you be fool enough to seek us out, and I have occasion to face you, you will not wake to see the morning. I will no longer be tormented and hunted and if it takes my last breath to defend my family, I will do it gladly.
Be gone from me, Satan.
My children and I have a right to pursue freedom and happiness and we have chosen to take that path, even though it has come at great personal cost - my job that I love, my family, their schools. You have taken all of that from us with your threats of hurting us. But you cannot hurt us anymore. I am stronger now - months of being out from under your control have enabled me to see how twisted your thinking is - how we could never have been perfect enough for you. Frankly, I prefer honest and broken to your false vision of perfection.
Your deciet and your lies - but mostly your vicious tongue have left scars and nightmares in their wake. I don't know if I can ever forgive you for what you have done to my children. It may require more fortitude than my heart posesses. You have twisted the very words of Christ that you used to lure us in. You have used His words to damage a family who wanted nothing more than for you to be the father and husband you promised to be. You will have to answer to God for that, just as I will have to answer for my transgressions. Woe be unto him who leads one of these little ones to sin.
Mostly I want to say, be wary. I have tolerated what I must in the pursuit of peace. It is not the way of the world, but it is what my Savior requires, that even when it makes no sense to me, I am to treat you as one of His children and to honor the vow I made even when you didn't. That season is over, and a new one has begun. I will not seek revenge, I leave that to Him. I will say, though, that should you be fool enough to seek us out, and I have occasion to face you, you will not wake to see the morning. I will no longer be tormented and hunted and if it takes my last breath to defend my family, I will do it gladly.
Be gone from me, Satan.
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