Once, a long time ago, I knew what it was to be a girl
I knew to let the doors be opened, the bill be paid
A woman's worth is not measured in her income,
And the pleasure of her company is often the only repayment needed
Then things began to change and a cold wind swept in
Words were said and over time I started to believe them
Carry your load, this is your problem and your responsibilitiy
This burden is on you and will be carried with dignity
I was told that my shoulders were to bear my transgressions
Alone
And to ask for help meant accepting humiliation
and a recounting of my shortcomings - a list I know by heart
So I stopped asking for help - until I got so snowed under
I no longer had a choice but to ask and accept the consequences
And many days I just went without whatever I needed
Understanding that to dignity entailed self-sacrifice.
Now I am in a different place, and I feel like a starved child now being fed
I know there is another meal, yet deep down I am terrified
Afraid to go back to the emaciated life I had before,
Still trying to protect myself from a danger that is now a ghost
I feel uuncomfortable relaxing and filling up my soul
Yet, I need the air and the light that are in this new place
And I find myself gulping it down, savoring the goodness
I defy my own logic,sneaking nourishment and stashing it in fear
My soul has forgotten the comfort of depending upon another person
I had forgotten that the burden is often shouldered by two
I forget still that it is safe to ask
When help is needed - instead of waiting too long.
It is so hard for me to depend upon someone else
I sometimes feel like a burden - like I am not carrying my weight
But there is an abundance of blessed reassurance
And no review of my faults, only patience and kindness
And finally, I don't feel alone.
Monday, October 25, 2004
Saturday, October 23, 2004
At Least I Didn't use a Shovel
Found this story and couldn't help but belly-laugh at the similarities!!
MSNBC.com
Vacation leads to home makeover by squatter
Stranger greets Georgia woman returning from trip
The Associated Press
Updated: 1:34 p.m. ET Oct. 22, 2004
DOUGLASVILLE, Ga. - A woman came home from vacation to find a stranger living there, wearing her clothes, changing utilities into her name and even ripping out carpet and repainting a room she didn’t like, authorities said.
Douglas County authorities say they can’t explain why Beverly Valentine, 54, broke into an empty home and started acting like it was her own.
During the 2½ weeks the owner, Beverly Mitchell, was on vacation in Greece, Valentine allegedly redecorated the ranch home, ripping up carpet and taking down the owner’s pictures and replacing them with her own.
Mitchell was a complete unknown to Valentine, said Chief Sheriff’s Deputy Stan Copeland. He said he had no idea how Valentine knew Mitchell was gone.
“In 28 years, I’ve never seen something this strange,” Copeland said.
Valentine was being held in Douglas County Jail on a $25,000 bond, Copeland said. If convicted, she could face one to 20 years in prison. Copeland said Friday that he believed Valentine did not have a lawyer.
The case came to light when Mitchell, who lived alone, returned home Oct. 4 to find the lights on and a strange car parked in the driveway. Mitchell called police, who went in and found Valentine, who at first pretended she was renting the home.
Later, Copeland said, she admitted she broke into the house with a shovel and was squatting there. She was charged with burglary.
Authorities found a gun and $23,000 worth of Mitchell’s jewelry in Valentine’s car.
Valentine had the electricity switched over to her name and moved in a washer and dryer and her dog.
Copeland said she was even wearing some of Mitchell’s clothes.
“There’s a lot of people saying, ’What?”’ Copeland said.
Valentine was asked what to do with the washer and dryer she moved in, and Valentine said she didn’t care, so police will leave it up to Mitchell what to do with them, Copeland said.
MSNBC.com
Vacation leads to home makeover by squatter
Stranger greets Georgia woman returning from trip
The Associated Press
Updated: 1:34 p.m. ET Oct. 22, 2004
DOUGLASVILLE, Ga. - A woman came home from vacation to find a stranger living there, wearing her clothes, changing utilities into her name and even ripping out carpet and repainting a room she didn’t like, authorities said.
Douglas County authorities say they can’t explain why Beverly Valentine, 54, broke into an empty home and started acting like it was her own.
During the 2½ weeks the owner, Beverly Mitchell, was on vacation in Greece, Valentine allegedly redecorated the ranch home, ripping up carpet and taking down the owner’s pictures and replacing them with her own.
Mitchell was a complete unknown to Valentine, said Chief Sheriff’s Deputy Stan Copeland. He said he had no idea how Valentine knew Mitchell was gone.
“In 28 years, I’ve never seen something this strange,” Copeland said.
Valentine was being held in Douglas County Jail on a $25,000 bond, Copeland said. If convicted, she could face one to 20 years in prison. Copeland said Friday that he believed Valentine did not have a lawyer.
The case came to light when Mitchell, who lived alone, returned home Oct. 4 to find the lights on and a strange car parked in the driveway. Mitchell called police, who went in and found Valentine, who at first pretended she was renting the home.
Later, Copeland said, she admitted she broke into the house with a shovel and was squatting there. She was charged with burglary.
Authorities found a gun and $23,000 worth of Mitchell’s jewelry in Valentine’s car.
Valentine had the electricity switched over to her name and moved in a washer and dryer and her dog.
Copeland said she was even wearing some of Mitchell’s clothes.
“There’s a lot of people saying, ’What?”’ Copeland said.
Valentine was asked what to do with the washer and dryer she moved in, and Valentine said she didn’t care, so police will leave it up to Mitchell what to do with them, Copeland said.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Sing a New Song
This morning my kids were singing. This doesn't really seem on the outside like a newsworthy event - except that it has been ages since I heard my daughter sing recklessly in the shower - or my son singing while he got dressed. When you have lived with someone who constantly complains about the noise level, not only do the extraneous sounds cease, but the joyful noises of happiness bubbling over stops too. I have moments where I still question if I did the right thing, but this morning, seeing the kids back to their "old" noisy selves confirms that the choice was right!
Killing me Softly
What is it about our personalities that requires a bad habit to feel alive? Is this yet another therapy issue - or is it just the way people are made? I was thinking about it this morning, and it is really odd. I spend extra money to buy produce that is organic -don't buy much processed food at all because of all the artificial junk in it and the damage that does to the immune sustem. I can and grow my own garden when I am able just to know there is nothing in that food but food. But every morning, I line up at the fountain for a Diet Coke or Diet Dr Pepper. That is really messed up. Spend all day trying to avoid additives and junk - then load up with 2 litres worth of chemicals that will eventually cause my gut to leak or my heart to palpitate from the caffeine. It would be worse for my body if I ate junk food all day long on top of the pop, but it is not good.
Choosing to eat healthy seems to most people like a chore - rather than a reward for making enough money to be able to afford healthy food - as opposed to subsisting on Ramen noodles and Macaroni and cheese. It somehow seems like punishment to use the low-carb or low fat versions, rather than a reward. The wiring is definitely off. Eating healthy does all kinds of great things to help me live longer and keep all of my parts working and attached as long as possible - it helps to assure that I will be around to see my grandkids. And yet - there is much less joy in Chicken and broccoli than there is in a big bacon cheeseburger.
When I worked as a smoking cessation counselor, a lot of people said that they smoked because it was the one decadent thing they had in their lives, it made them feel vibrant and alive. Nicotine is just as ugly on the immune system - and the nervous system as caffeine is - and smoked tobacco is laden with tons of other chemicals. People don't continue to smoke because they don't know cigarettes are dangerous. But there is a pressing need to do something decadent. A Juice smoothie or carrot sticks just don't do it.
So I guess the conclusion drawn from this little exercise, is that I have to find something that feels decadent, but won't really hurt me. For a while there I went out to breakfast almost every morning - that felt great, but wasn't really dangerous. Maybe I need to try more low carb ice cream - or spending the extra money to get exotic fruit - or hair color or a massage. There have to be some ways to feel indulgent without sacrificing my body to do it - it defies logic to reward my life by killing myself slowly.
Choosing to eat healthy seems to most people like a chore - rather than a reward for making enough money to be able to afford healthy food - as opposed to subsisting on Ramen noodles and Macaroni and cheese. It somehow seems like punishment to use the low-carb or low fat versions, rather than a reward. The wiring is definitely off. Eating healthy does all kinds of great things to help me live longer and keep all of my parts working and attached as long as possible - it helps to assure that I will be around to see my grandkids. And yet - there is much less joy in Chicken and broccoli than there is in a big bacon cheeseburger.
When I worked as a smoking cessation counselor, a lot of people said that they smoked because it was the one decadent thing they had in their lives, it made them feel vibrant and alive. Nicotine is just as ugly on the immune system - and the nervous system as caffeine is - and smoked tobacco is laden with tons of other chemicals. People don't continue to smoke because they don't know cigarettes are dangerous. But there is a pressing need to do something decadent. A Juice smoothie or carrot sticks just don't do it.
So I guess the conclusion drawn from this little exercise, is that I have to find something that feels decadent, but won't really hurt me. For a while there I went out to breakfast almost every morning - that felt great, but wasn't really dangerous. Maybe I need to try more low carb ice cream - or spending the extra money to get exotic fruit - or hair color or a massage. There have to be some ways to feel indulgent without sacrificing my body to do it - it defies logic to reward my life by killing myself slowly.
Monday, October 18, 2004
A new garden starts
I have started my garden again - just pots now, but in teh spring, my herb garden will have a foundation. I brought my nasturniums with me from Indiana. I lovely friend gave me potted basil - some of which will go into lasagna tonight. I found terra cotta colored pastic pots with rosemary, chives and parsley at the grocery store. So the garden begins from scratch with rescued nasturniums, a little basil and terra cotta pots.
Friday, October 15, 2004
Life, Death and Brick Walls
I had a most interesting and necessary conversation yesterday. I was due. I started down that path of old and very bad coping - and thank God, I was called out on it. Being in love - hell, being alive - requires both life and death to complete the cycle and keep things in balance. It is the same cycle in my garden - a time for everything. There is life and fire that comes from finding someone you are compatible with - an inexplicable joy when kindness that you don't deserve and didn't expect is displayed over and over again. There is a new life - almost like a new entity - in the boundaries of the relationship - it is a creature that changes your course, effects what you think about and colors your dreams.
But there is also death - doors that close and I had forgotten that part. I know better, but I had forgotten. The door has closed on my old life - the place is gone, the things left at the house are gone, my lovely job, going to football games all weekend and watching the Boilermakers, the garden and the ducks are gone. It is not sad anymore - it just is.
There is also the death to the parts of the psyche that deceive me into believing I am better off alone, that I am safe when I am alone. There is a death to the idea that I am able to live without the help of others. It is a death to my pride - which should have been buried weeks ago. Without accepting the death of those ideas, I trivialize the great gifts of generosity and kindness bestowed upon me - and I am sorry for that. Having a little difficulty moving through the stages of mourning, but at least now I figured out what the problem is.
It is a cycle, old things pass away and new things are born. I know sometimes it takes a brick wall for me to get it - I hate being bullheaded. The lesson continued today as I was reminded that Job lost everything - including his wife and kids and he never lost faith that restoration was coming. I only lost dreams and ducks - so I need to stop the whining and feeling sorry for myself. I have been given the gift of friendship in a time when I didn't have enough sense to accept it freely. I doubted, for a couple of days now, that restoration was forthcoming. But I know better - my heart is restored every morning when I awaken to find there a man who loves me, my children nestled sleeping safely in their beds and a new day dawning with possibilities.
But there is also death - doors that close and I had forgotten that part. I know better, but I had forgotten. The door has closed on my old life - the place is gone, the things left at the house are gone, my lovely job, going to football games all weekend and watching the Boilermakers, the garden and the ducks are gone. It is not sad anymore - it just is.
There is also the death to the parts of the psyche that deceive me into believing I am better off alone, that I am safe when I am alone. There is a death to the idea that I am able to live without the help of others. It is a death to my pride - which should have been buried weeks ago. Without accepting the death of those ideas, I trivialize the great gifts of generosity and kindness bestowed upon me - and I am sorry for that. Having a little difficulty moving through the stages of mourning, but at least now I figured out what the problem is.
It is a cycle, old things pass away and new things are born. I know sometimes it takes a brick wall for me to get it - I hate being bullheaded. The lesson continued today as I was reminded that Job lost everything - including his wife and kids and he never lost faith that restoration was coming. I only lost dreams and ducks - so I need to stop the whining and feeling sorry for myself. I have been given the gift of friendship in a time when I didn't have enough sense to accept it freely. I doubted, for a couple of days now, that restoration was forthcoming. But I know better - my heart is restored every morning when I awaken to find there a man who loves me, my children nestled sleeping safely in their beds and a new day dawning with possibilities.
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Stranger in a strange land
(Warning: Personal vent - if you are going to get your feelings hurt, stop reading now)
I haven't found a job I can live with yet. Oddly enough, this is really stressing me out. I am back to being a loner - having taken time last Friday to change my name and my status back to officially single - though single with three dependents would be more appropriate. I am finding that I am tired and I want to withdraw back to that place where I only have to answer to myself about what is going on in my life - but I am not in a position where I can do that right now - depending upon the kindness of others in a way I have never had to do. I don't like being dependent - never have been before -and it feels dangerous. Even worse is this overwhelming need of late for reassurance - feeling needy - and for a loner, neediness is a death sentence.
Perhaps it is the old habit of being responsible - solely responsible for the kids that has me in such a funk. I have taken very little personal time - time to do what I wanted to - over the past seventeen years. I do not regret for one second the choice to become a mom - but I have been a mother now since I was twenty. There are a lot of things I have passed by and on occasion - especially now when I am trying to clear my head - I feel that lack of personal time. Actually, I am feeling the self-induced guilt for relying on others, taking any personal time during the day - not getting enough done. This "enough" thing keeps popping into my head, and indicating to me that maybe I have to start clearing it out of my head. The need to do enough or be good enough is not healthy, but it is an old habit I am falling back into in teh current situation. Add in the mantra I am hearing about "It hasn't been long enough" and I would like to strike the word from Webster. Who draws the line at "enough"? Where is it? I am drawing my own damn line and from here on out, I will decide when it has been long enough, or when I have done enough or if I am enough. Y'all want to agree, that's fine - want to disagree, that's fine too, but I am really tired of people protecting me and making decisions about how my life will go without talking to me first.
The worst part is that I feel the Loner coping coming on. I used to joke that it was not a name, but a lifestyle choice. Having proven that I can be by myself (though who I proved this to is questionable) I want to pull away and be safe. At least when I am by myself I cannot get hurt. I am lonely as hell, but safe. Not a great coping skill set because I find that I am willing to forgo what I need because to ask makes me even more vulnerable. The adrenaline of running has drained and now I am just tired. I just can't ask - I don't know if I can heal it myself, there seem to be so many gaping wounds in my chest already. I have been so busy worrying about the kids, that I haven't bothered to stitch up my own wounds. Seems like it is time now, but there has been a lot of blood lost and I am feeling it.
I haven't found a job I can live with yet. Oddly enough, this is really stressing me out. I am back to being a loner - having taken time last Friday to change my name and my status back to officially single - though single with three dependents would be more appropriate. I am finding that I am tired and I want to withdraw back to that place where I only have to answer to myself about what is going on in my life - but I am not in a position where I can do that right now - depending upon the kindness of others in a way I have never had to do. I don't like being dependent - never have been before -and it feels dangerous. Even worse is this overwhelming need of late for reassurance - feeling needy - and for a loner, neediness is a death sentence.
Perhaps it is the old habit of being responsible - solely responsible for the kids that has me in such a funk. I have taken very little personal time - time to do what I wanted to - over the past seventeen years. I do not regret for one second the choice to become a mom - but I have been a mother now since I was twenty. There are a lot of things I have passed by and on occasion - especially now when I am trying to clear my head - I feel that lack of personal time. Actually, I am feeling the self-induced guilt for relying on others, taking any personal time during the day - not getting enough done. This "enough" thing keeps popping into my head, and indicating to me that maybe I have to start clearing it out of my head. The need to do enough or be good enough is not healthy, but it is an old habit I am falling back into in teh current situation. Add in the mantra I am hearing about "It hasn't been long enough" and I would like to strike the word from Webster. Who draws the line at "enough"? Where is it? I am drawing my own damn line and from here on out, I will decide when it has been long enough, or when I have done enough or if I am enough. Y'all want to agree, that's fine - want to disagree, that's fine too, but I am really tired of people protecting me and making decisions about how my life will go without talking to me first.
The worst part is that I feel the Loner coping coming on. I used to joke that it was not a name, but a lifestyle choice. Having proven that I can be by myself (though who I proved this to is questionable) I want to pull away and be safe. At least when I am by myself I cannot get hurt. I am lonely as hell, but safe. Not a great coping skill set because I find that I am willing to forgo what I need because to ask makes me even more vulnerable. The adrenaline of running has drained and now I am just tired. I just can't ask - I don't know if I can heal it myself, there seem to be so many gaping wounds in my chest already. I have been so busy worrying about the kids, that I haven't bothered to stitch up my own wounds. Seems like it is time now, but there has been a lot of blood lost and I am feeling it.
Thursday, October 07, 2004
Things I need to say
I am heading back to take care of a few details. Back into the lair. I am not particularly fearful, but I can feel myself being preoccupied with the things I have to remember.
What I need to say is this: I am happy - I have lived, of late, the life I have always dreamed of - with someone who loves me and someone who loves my kids. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would have a day like this - let alone day after day. I have felt comfort and concern and most importantly, I have felt safe. I have joked that if I died tomorrow, I could die happy... the world is an uncertian place. My family has peace at last and if I died tomorrow - or the next day, it would be with the knowledge that the life I wanted since I was little arrived just in time.
What I need to say is this: I am happy - I have lived, of late, the life I have always dreamed of - with someone who loves me and someone who loves my kids. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would have a day like this - let alone day after day. I have felt comfort and concern and most importantly, I have felt safe. I have joked that if I died tomorrow, I could die happy... the world is an uncertian place. My family has peace at last and if I died tomorrow - or the next day, it would be with the knowledge that the life I wanted since I was little arrived just in time.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Meet the Parents
Went to lunch today with the man who is all things male (how was that honey??)'s mother and sister. I espected that since we have casually had conversation, there would be the obligatory round of questions that I would ask if aforementioned man was one of my sons. Luckily, I have been practicing the punchline: I know that things have not worked out for me in the past - or for him. As a single mother I don't have the luxury of living with someone, so I ended up married, early in a relationship, for the wrong reasons. More importantly, I settled. I will not do that again, ever. Neither will he.
It was a great lunch because we talked about my favorite topic - the man who is all things male. They were incredibly gracious - and I chose, as usual to be as straightforward as I could. Tough to explain away three marriages and three kids. Any mother would feel concerned. And yet, they were both kind and I think they could see how very much I love this man. We both have our own demons and we have some scars from years of trying to figure out which way was up! He has been good to us - beyond what I could have ever hoped for - and I told his mother that - actually I had one of those surreal moments where I was so busy basking in the thought of him that I forgot I was talking to his family. I also had a chance to relay that he has been honest with me about several parts of his life that weren't pretty - me too, and that we didn't really intend on dating - we just started talking on the phone and it progressed into this bonfire. Though I think I withheld the bonfire description. Gave me a minute to think - did I need some time alone - well, actually, I don't need to have a man in my life, I have proven that time and time again - but do I envision a life without him - absolutely not. It is such a lovely feeling to tell someone else about the blessings that have been bestowed on me and my family - wonderful to concentrate on what is going well and how safe I feel here.
So the first girl's lunch is out of the way - and now we can get on to the fun girl stuff.
It was a great lunch because we talked about my favorite topic - the man who is all things male. They were incredibly gracious - and I chose, as usual to be as straightforward as I could. Tough to explain away three marriages and three kids. Any mother would feel concerned. And yet, they were both kind and I think they could see how very much I love this man. We both have our own demons and we have some scars from years of trying to figure out which way was up! He has been good to us - beyond what I could have ever hoped for - and I told his mother that - actually I had one of those surreal moments where I was so busy basking in the thought of him that I forgot I was talking to his family. I also had a chance to relay that he has been honest with me about several parts of his life that weren't pretty - me too, and that we didn't really intend on dating - we just started talking on the phone and it progressed into this bonfire. Though I think I withheld the bonfire description. Gave me a minute to think - did I need some time alone - well, actually, I don't need to have a man in my life, I have proven that time and time again - but do I envision a life without him - absolutely not. It is such a lovely feeling to tell someone else about the blessings that have been bestowed on me and my family - wonderful to concentrate on what is going well and how safe I feel here.
So the first girl's lunch is out of the way - and now we can get on to the fun girl stuff.
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