Loving all the Parts

For a long time - nearly as long as I can remember - I have protected myself by only letting the man in my life see what I wanted him to see. It isn't something I am proud of - but rather, helped me feel like the inner most parts were safe and that I could walk away if I needed to. The kids know all about these parts - the basic things that men who only love the idea of you cannot see. The need to plant and watch things grow, the need to be productive and to take care of things. In my younger days I tried to deny these things and be the kind of person those around me expected. I remember vividly at my reunion that the people there said I had changed so much - yea, now I am openly a granola head.

It occurred to me that I have three dear girlfriends - all of whom know the real deal - all of whom have seen me at my not very great moments - and choose to love me anyway. It astounded me when, this week, in the midst of all the confusion, I realized that he knows me almost as well as they do.

As a Catholic, I have always liked reconciliation - you can tell someone your worst sins, and he tells you to make amends and that you are forgiven. The most important part is that as you are talking about what you have done - he doesn't run from the room screaming or chide you about poor behavior - it is absolute acceptance, no judgment - what is just is. Being in love for real is very much the same. We have to see the ugly parts of each other - when I don't shave my legs, when the kids are fussing and I am a push over - when he has that chew in his lip and cleans the house like a bachelor. We all have parts that we would rather hide - but in allowing those parts of ourselves to be loved, we are freed - knowing that there are no skeletons in the closet waiting to ruin things - knowing that we are loved for who we really are, instead of just a dream of someone else.

Thanks for seven more days

I posted yesterday, but the computer ate my lovely writing. I will attempt to re-create it, as the people involved deserve some credit

The Ogre wants to kill us - he even devised a plan. Because someone had the courage to speak up, we have had seven more days and hopefully many more. Lots of thank yous need to be said - for my folks who moved me again even though they said never again, for the Indianos who showed up to help and stayed until the bitter end, for Joshua's friends who carried lots of boxes, to the lady who kept my dogs with little notice, to Beth's dad who took in my ducks and not loves them too, to Steph and Lora and Alison for listening to me and challenging me when I was too buried to see things clearly. Special thanks to Steph and Mark for listening to me try to work things through in my head while they were on the other end of the phone - thanks for helping me look for jobs and houses, too. Thanks to Beth and Deb and Karen who absorbed my workload so that I could get to safety. Thanks goes to the family who welcomed us so warmly here - even though we came as refugees. Most of all, thanks goes to Justin, and those people who continue to allow him to vent, so that he can be there for me. Chris and Mel and Rich, you all have been his lifeline - and he has been mine - so thanks for helping bear the load. Over and over again I turn to him - a very new and uncomfortable thing for me - and he never disappoints me. How crazy is that - not an exaggeration - HE NEVER DISAPPOINTS ME. I have never depended on anyone in my life - or at least since Jerra came along 18 years ago. I don't think of myself as a control freak, however, when you have a lot of responsibilities, I guess there are some things you need to control. It has been wonderful to turn that control over to someone else - and have him effortlessly carry the burden. What a new and amazing thing. He has been kind and gracious and a better friend than I could have ever hoped for.
This week has been difficult for all of us - giving up everything you know and love can be a bit disconcerting - never mind that someone with a gun wants you dead. The kids have managed incredibly well, a little extra drama - but that's it. Jerra has spent a lot of time watching the boys while I try to restart our lives - and even the boys have been better behaved than I expected. I have been so greatly blessed and because I have been given seven more days than I might otherwise have had, I needed to say thank you.

California Dreaming

The sun is bright and it is nice and warm today. There is a little breeze that makes the temperature bearable. I went to Mass this morning again, trying to clear my head. I still feel so tired out by all of this. The reading talked again about how God is our protector through the ages.

A zillion things bouncing around in my head. Things I left behind, people I left behind, my ducks, my dogs, where the kids will go to school, how Jake will visit his dad from here - how we will visit our friends from here - what will happen - will we find a job, will we find a house - what will become of us - yea, that is a lot of bouncing.

Had two weird confirmations, though, in the last 48 hours. When I went to get groceries yesterday, the lady at the checkout asked if I was on my way to work, I replied that I was actually job hunting. She said " Well, baby, sometimes the Lord takes away something that we love so that He can give us something more wonderful" Just said it out of the blue - I nearly started crying right there at the register.

Then my Dad called. Seems my mom went to dinner with a woman named Millie Bianco. Her granddaughter was killed by her ex-husband after multiple attempts at arresting him for invasion of privacy - on a morning that he was released from jail and she wasn't notified so she could get out - this happened in South Bend in the late 80s. I haven't taken the time to look up the story, but suffice it to say, I think it was a sign - don't believe in coincidence. Millie told my mom that the description of Dan sounded a lot like Allen Matheny, the man who killed her granddaughter.

I miss my friends, I miss my dogs - my ducks, - football practice - my family - my life and my job. It just doesn't seem fair. I feel like my life has been ripped away and I am just supposed to take it. There are perks to being here - not the least of which is getting some sleep - but it still hurts. I don't want to be a burden - but it seems I don't have much of a choice in the matter. Another week to rest - another week to sort things out - and dream of a new life.

For the Record

Had a rather disturbing phone call today from my friend. Seems the big drama about my moving away is not that it is traumatic - that I am packing alone - that I am walking away from a job I love and a town full of people I adore - the concern is that there is another man. That really ticks me off!!!! I am a good mother - even if I have a dozen other faults, that is something I do well. I would never move my family just so I didn't have to sleep alone.

Well, for the record, I got taken last time, it happens. Now I have found someone who is amazing adn intriguing and kind to me and I love this man with all my heart, but rushing is not what this is about. I am SO tired of defending myself on top of all the other drama. I got taken, but that doesn;t mean I am stupid or blind. I wasn't the only person surprised when things went sour - the girlfriend who showed up at the shelter yesterday was pretty shocked too. These accusations that I would move my whole life for a man who isn't committed to me - they are just hurtful and troublesome and give me yet another thing to worry about. I love him, but lets be honest - someone wants to kill me, I am not really spending all my time wondering if the man I love is thinking about me - don't have the luxury at the moment. This man doesn't make promises - this is new territory for both of us - even I have had some emotions I never thought I would feel. But no promises are made. I have to stop myself from saying how I feel lest the agreement to help is mistaken as a promise he hasn't made.

I am not upset about it, really. I understand the need to analyze the living tar out of something. I also understand that for me, when I really value someone, I want to go out of my way to make sure they know it. He does the same thing - different dialect, but the same thing.

So I guess my big conclusion is that I will take this chance, but it is knowing that there are "inherent" promises - and more importantly, that this is about being safe more so that being in love. I love him, but the move is not about him - it is about being able to sleep again - being able to drive through McDonald's without seeing the person who wants you dead, being able to rest in my own space. It is about being finally free.

What a difference a day makes

It was only this morning that I thought I was finally free. Less than ten minutes after I signed the paperwork, there was an urgent call from my lawyer's office. The women's shelter had called them. Unfortunately, the Ogre's girlfriend was there at the shelter and was concerned for my safety. Not only had he roughed her up, but he had confessed to having a plan to kill the kids and I after the divorce was final. My lawyer told me to leave for safety immediately, not going by the house and not picking up my kids - just take off and have someone else do that. The whole conversation was surreal. My voicemail light was on, so I checked it - and sure enough, it was the lady from the women's shelter ( who ironically, I had just met with yesterday to talk over how dangerous the Ogre might really be.) I called back, the girlfriend was still there and is also concerned for her own safety. I questioned whether this might be a ploy she said the girlfriend was visibly shaken and that she had bruises. Also said that the girlfriend was making a statement to the police. She agreed to call me back and talk about my plan.

Again, that feeling that the room was spinning and my adrenaline was cranking. I made a couple of calls to assure that the kids were safe and would be safe until I could get there. Then I started trying to get in contact with my safe-places. yeah, I have a happy place, and it will be safe and I can finally get some sleep.

I had spent the night last night praying for a sign so that I could discern what to do, here's your sign. When the women's shelter and you lawyer CALL you and says to run now - guess it is time.
So I have a 30 day leave from work, all my ducks in a row, so to speak, and I am off on a new and incredibly frightening adventure. I have about ten thousand emotions all flying around at once, but mostly, I am so thankful that I found out early - and that I have people I can count on to protect me. Thank you.

It's Official!!!!!

Last night the Ogre called me three times - then again this morning to talk about a trade. Seems he can't get his cable hooked up until Tuesday - and would like to pirate mine over the weekend - ummm, no.

He continues to obsess, saying he doesn't want to lose the family. Said that he thinks there is something wrong with him because he just can't let it go. That something would be the ideal that you can hit someone, hit her child, say anything that comes to mind, even if it is cruel, and sleep with someone else as entitlement during a marriage. Of course he doesn't want to lose us - I was patient even when he was a mess. I believe in forgiveness, possibly to a fault - cooked all the meals, did all the housework and still worked a full time job, making more than he did. Yea, he had it pretty good, no wonder he doesn't want to let us go!! He also said that if he doesn't sign the divorce papers, I would be forced to stay with him. Also ummm, no.

So I convinced him ( now I need to go to confession) that the only way for him to keep us was to sign and enable us to get a house - which we can't with the papers unsigned. He agreed with the condition that we get together tomorrow to sign the car titles - yea, I'll get together with him, and bring the sheriff along for the ride.

So at 11 am today, I signed the divorce papers after he signed the papers and by the end of the day, I will be legally free of the Ogre. Physically free is yet another matter, to be determined at the end of the day today. Keep your fingers crossed.

Thinking deep thoughts today

I finally got to review the divorce decree and should get to sign it tonight or tomorrow.
The property I really was excited about - the one with the deer picture - didn't come through because of a glitch so that dream is out the window.
I met today with the lady from the shelter just to bounce some things around. I am having a lot of conflicting feelings about moving - where to go, how far to go - the only thing I know for sure is that I have to go somewhere by the end of October. She says that the Ogre's move to work in just a block away from where Josh goes to school is just the next phase in the plan to try to keep tabs on us even after we vacate the house. We went through the risk checklist - and we are at risk, still at that stage before things start to escalate in the cycle. She agrees that he is stalking us and that we need to get out. I asked about whether he would be likely to just drop it - she says the weird conversations the Ogre had about still wanting to keep me and win me back prove that he is not being rational, and that we are really at risk if we stay because he may decide that if he can't have us, no one can. This is the same man who freaked out about not being employed, then got a job and went in after the first day at 3am to remove all of his stuff and turn in a resignation to an empty city hall. The fact that he had a recent fall out with his girlfriend makes matters worse because now he is a bit cranked up - even if I am not the cause.

I also talked to her about Mom and Alison's argument that the other exs are still alive and kicking - but the difference in this scenario is that I have not placated him, while they have. She says that this puts me a greater risk since I challenged his skewed perception of his masculine supremacy. I have tried using jail as a deterrent - but since he has now been arrested three times, twice for violating the no contact order, she thinks he will continue to push the limit. We batted around the ideas I sent to you all, starting with just changing houses and staying here. She also said she didn't think it would be far enough. The more we atlked about it, the more clear it bacame that since he is unpredictable, it woudl be best to get away and be safe. It makes me so sad.

I think I could take him - hand to hand I may be a chuggy girl, but I am stronger than he is - feel pretty firm about being able to protect my family - but I am not always home. We have hotel deadbolt locks on the doors, the kids don't want to go out after dark alone and worst of all, Jerra has been sleeping with a big butcher's knife under her bed - I have had the pellet gun under my pillow. This is a stupid way to live. It has been almost two weeks since I got an entire night's sleep - and that was because Justin was here and I felt safe. Every night I get up and check to make sure everyone is safe. When the dogs start barking, I have to get up again. Seems like I am lucky to get even 3 hours in a row - and my mind is just running non-stop with all the things I need to do to start my life over.

Worst case scenario, we move away and start looking at a move back when Josh gets to high school age. From two of the locations we could get home over a long weekend. I just don't see any way for us to stay without looking over our shoulder for Dan all the time. That is just no kind of life. I have been a single mom in a strange land before, even if something would happen and my friends/family at either spot would not be able to help, I think I could do alright. It is a lot to ask of a friend - hey I have to relocate because a nut job is stalking me - we all are having some baggage from not sleeping and being assaulted -could we crash at your house until we can sort something out? Geez - it sounds worse on paper!!

Preparations

There is a lot to do when you are changing the direction of your dreams. I spent the last two years collecting things that someone with a little organic farm would need - herbs, pots, markers, ducks and tons of books on how to make it all work. That dream and the five acres that bear my raspberry canes and cherry trees, are soon to be gone.

Last night the Ogre moved back into his house - alerting me by unceremoniously calling my HOME phone number at 11:30 to see if I had an air mattress he could use. A little aside here - the only reason I had an air mattress is that I bought one so I could sleep on the floor of the boys room - I used that mattress nearly every night from November of last year until I moved out at the end of April. The audacity of asking for the symbol of something that ugly - I bought it after I received the ultimatum that either I would "put out" or sleep on the floor - I chose the floor apparently.

Today, I had to start seriously paring down. I found a home for my ducks - this being yet another affront I am holding bound - I love those little ducks and watching them has brought me so much joy - now I have to give that up. I gave up ownership of my house by letting my folks buy me out. I opened a new bank account and will close my others out as soon as the papers are signed, have to move all of those things that already come out automatically. I am preparing myself for this evening - when, after helping Jacob construct a brain for school tomorrow - I am going to go through my closet mercilessly, giving way more to Goodwill than I want to - and box up things I won't see again until we get where we are going. Planning on living out of a suitcase of carefully chosen things so that we can be ready to go quickly if needed. The boxes are next - I have this sentimentality problem, but a quick move doesn't afford me that luxury, so the paring down begins.

I keep thinking I should be afraid - there are so many factors that are unknown - feels eerily similar to when we moved to Arizona - who knows, it may be the next best thing that ever happened to us. I keep praying, but all the anxiety I feel is about the Ogre - not about moving.

Looking for the Signs

I have more decisions to make - actually, I just want to take a nap and feel safe again - but that only happens when I know I have someone there who is on watch instead of me. I want to just curl up next to a hairy Swede and find some rest...

I am tired - probably getting close to sleep deprivation because even when I sleep - I wake up - walking around the house making sure everyone is still safe and that the Ogre isn't sneaking around. I am working frantically trying to pack things up and get ready to bolt if I need to. I am looking for a clear sign that I need to take action immediately, but I am too tired I think to see things very objectively.

I had four separate friends - in different zip codes - who do not talk to each other - tell me over the weekend that they are sensing a change and that I am in danger. The Ogre has taken a new job so that he will be working for the town about 2 minutes from my house and the kids' school. He even offered to pick the kids up from football -which I took as a thinly veiled threat that he COULD do such a thing. He has been driving by my house, sometimes several times a night - at about 5 miles an hour and last Friday he came to my office on business, but also checked the lot for my car. His creepiness factor is increasing. During the same conversation about the new job, he again reiterated that he loved me ( never mind that he has been banging another woman since March and didn't even have the decency to file for divorce before jumping on her) and that he is very sad the I have found someone else. Says he may not sign the divorce papers that were drawn up three weeks ago. I am still in Limbo.

Here is the real catch - if he dismisses the petition, my restraining order also is dismissed - little loophole in our county. I am back to those those first days in May when the police were called and I was told that everything was joint property until the divorce was final and that they couldn't do anything about him breaking in my house. Cannot put my family through that again. And since he is certifiable - I may have to move anyway. Moving brings safety, but also a wealth of other complications including relocating a 13-year old who is Joe Popularity at his current haunt.

So here are the options:
1. Stay here and put up with it, hoping he signs eventually - or filing myself if he drops it and waiting it out. Possible - I am finding I am a lot stronger than I thought - but Dan's risk of being killed because he threatens one of us is also much greater. Miffs me that this is not feeling like a better option because the kids have built a comfy life here - except for the Ogre-aspect.
2. Stay every night with my folks so that we can feel safe. Honestly, I am really tired and I love my folks but my mom is just stressing me out more right now, so this is not an option. Plus - if I need to move out of the current house anyway, I need to work after work every night at reboxing and sorting things.
3. Move away - if he doesn't sign and I have to refile, I could move away. If he continues to be a threat after the signing - I could still move. Would have to be where I know someone, I am tired and I don't want to go it alone right now. Could go to Indy, I have friends there and know my way around a bit. Job wouldn't be difficult. Could go to Steph or could go to Justin. Either place would be good - and I think I would feel safe there - he won't be taking the initiative to drive by that far away.

I am making a decision by Friday - hopefully God's timetable will intersect with my own and I will be able to decide then.

Just in case you think He isn't paying attention

This has been a tough weekend - Jerra and I are both sick. Between the fever and the Ogre's multiple drive-bys this weekend, neither of us has slept. Then there is this sudden shift among my friends - from viewing the Ogre as a nuisance to viewing him as a real threat. These conversations were very enlightening - especially because I have so much on my agenda already.

Well, yesterday after Jacob's football debut ( he started on Defense and also played Special Teams) my folks wanted to have a conversation about all of this at the park close by. Won't go into the details of that now - suffice it to say that tempers flared and tears were shed. During the course of this meeting, my purse was left on the ground. I retrieved it before we left and went home about 6:30.

This morning as I followed my normal routine of zipping through McD's for my eggs and sausage, I discovered that my wallet was no where to be found. I asked the nice lady taking orders if I could get breakfast on my good looks this morning - she just smiled and shook her head ( told you I was sick!!)

Then it came to me - a picture of my wallet beneath the bench at the park. At 9:30 this morning I went to the park, and there was the wallet - just as I had pictured it. Safe and intact with every piece of ID I possess.

Just in case you think God isn't busy watching us - remember that He watched over that wallet and kept it safe from all the kids that were in the park last night and the dog-walkers who were there this morning until I could get back to retrieve it. Things like that don't happen in a world where He isn't paying attention. Wonder why I live by Faith - why I am an optomist - because every single time I need Him, He shows up and takes care of things I didn't even realize I needed help with. Just needed to testify a bit here -especially because this could have gone MUCH worse.

Unfortunate Circumstance

What brings you here?

"I am here because of an unfortunate circumstance at the wedding of a friend. I fell head over heels for this girl who lives six hundred miles away. So here I am."

Hearing it described this way, as we were walking hand in hand through the yard of a house I am thinking of buying, it occurs to me that this makes a pretty good story - two people who have never met, but know each other's stories through their mutual friend, meet at her wedding where they are both bridesmaids, get entrenched in chemistry and tequila, then spend months and money driving/flying the 600 miles required to get them in the same zip code. Isn't there a movie like this - (Justin, I know you can find one!!)

I don't know how the story will end - though at the moment, it seems to be a series of new beginnings. The more time we spend together, the less I am able to tolerate being apart, though I know it is a necessity at present. I am looking forward to see how it plays out - as he takes a fantastic new job and she moves to a new home with deer in the yard and ducks in the pen.

AT LAST

The greatest difficulty in dating someone 600 miles away is wishing you could spend more time together. Although he is exceptionally conscious about calling me when he thinks I am having a tough day, most of the time that contact just makes me acutely aware that I cannot reach out and touch him. I miss you seems to be the mantra - but not today.

Most every day, I have to tell him I miss him - but not today, and not tomorrow or the next day. He is back with me at last. When we get to see each other it is as though the rest of our lives were some kind of weird dream - and the real life only occurs during the time we are together. We sat chatting at Joshua's football game with my folks last night - as naturally as if we had been doing that for a dozen years. He has become a natural extension of my family - whether I wanted that or not.

When our friend Steph called to see if he had made it in one piece at last - he started singing the song - At Last - same one I have been humming for weeks - much to the dismay of the kids. He didn't know that before - but the rolling eyes from his audience probably gave it away.

Josh had trouble sleeping and while I was brushing my teeth, he crawled onto the bed and chatted with him until I came back in. There was no conversation about why he was in my room - no awkwardness when he and the kids are together. And the most amazing thing - I came home like a whirling dervish - usually a term I use, but he used it yesterday - and still he was happy to be there and help me wind down at the end of a very long day. If you have never worked yourself to the bone day after day, it is probably difficult to identify with how incredible it feels to have someone tell you to sit and stop working - that you deserved to rest. I need to hear that because I forget sometimes.

When I went to sleep last night, I waited, with much difficulty, until I knew that he was asleep before I allowed myself to doze off. An aside here - I can sleep through about anything and about anywhere - so keeping myself awake was quite the task. I didn't want to lose one minute of our time together - there is never enough time - and I always leave wanting more time to just listen to him breathe.

Today I woke up with the most wonderful sensation of not being alone. This is not the first morning I have awakened with a man in my room, but it always surprises me that the emotional impact of having him there is so much different than anything I have ever experienced. Watching him curled up in my comforter brings feelings I don't have words to name - a comfort, a longing, a desire to keep all of me in one place. It is one of those emotions that only tears of joy can express. I feel overwhelmed by the blessing of this man and what he does for my family.

We are going to see a movie tonight - and we are also calling Magnolia, the woman at the wedding who told him " Listen to me, I am serious. You two, I see something there. You have to see this girl again. " Okay, I am now willing to admit she was right!!

Why my daughter cannot be a bartender

My daughter is a creative art project in motion. She loves to create things in the kitchen - candy, hot sauce, cookies, new variations on every dish I have ever made. Like me, she is addicted to the Food Network and loves nothing more than watching Emeril or the Iron Chef's create something beautiful out of nothing.

She has the same passion about makeup - this is the child who had 21 lip balms of assorted flavors, colors and glitter contents in her purse at the Coca-Cola museum. She loves the color and texture of the whole thing - and has loved makeup and hair color ever since I can remember. Being a real blonde, she can get away with a lot.

She has taken art at school for the past two years. One of her projects, a tie die piece that has a fancier name than I can remember - hangs at my desk - the azure, pinks and purples dancing a waltz at the center of the piece. Even her room bears the distinct marks of an artist in process.

For the past two years - and actually the two years we were in Arizona, there was little to no alcohol in the house. Being a good Irish Catholic, I immediately bought bourbon and wine when I moved into my own place. Over the last four months, I have added other items to the liquor cabinet. She likes to experiment - so I have had mango margaritas - wouldn't recommend those - some seriously beautiful regular Cuervo Margaritas, a couple of drinks that resemble a White Russian - but have the added Buttershots, and a lot of cold beers.

Her most recent concoction is the reason she cannot become a bartender. I bought a bottle of Sambuca - she decided it would make an interesting martini - so off she went. The Sambuca and vodka was just a bit harsh for me - so she mixed it. Little did I know that the cream was also mixed with more Butter shots - the licorice in the Sambuca covered the flavor. It was not a big glass, but the cream and the ice made it more like dessert than a drink. So 5 shots of alcohol later - I was surprised at how easily the drink went down. Yea, that's dangerous. In the morning I concluded that my child may never become a bartender because I haven't been plagued by a hangover since my 20's - and the one after the Sambuca concoction really hurt. Creativity is lovely - adding more sugar or a little more vanilla is great in baking, but adding 3 more shots of alcohol is the difference between relaxed and drunk with a hangover on the way!